#sorryyyyyyy yall i am kinda going thru it

[publicuniversalenemy]

this post has been bouncing around my head for a while i think. so like feel free to ignore me but. fuck. skincare culture fucking disgusts me. rambling vent below the break.

this is coming from probably the silliest skincare boy you will ever know. ive been in to this shit since middle school and to be perfectly frank i have no intentions of stopping now but like. shit man. i am genuinely nauseated by the amount of brainspace and energy i have dedicated to this shit. i am nauseated by the hyperconsumption and products and how readily i let this messaging get shoved down my fucking throat and imprinted on my brain. i think about it constantly. the past several days with no fucking exaggeration i have thought about sunscreen alone more than anything else. more than food, more than my upcoming top surgery, more than enjoying my time abroad, more than the anarchist literature im trying to read (believe me yes, i do see the fucking irony in calling myself an anarchist whilst willingly sucking down rancid capitalist propaganda that only teaches me that my body’s largest organ is unacceptable as is). it makes me want to fucking cry when i consider how much time, how much goddamn life, i have put into combing through product reviews and digital magazines and ingredient lists and the virtual shelves of sephora and ulta and sokoglam and ohlolly and target and and and FUCK. the money i have splashed out on products that dont work, hell, on products that DO work. makeup is one thing. i dont feel ‘better’ or more like myself with makeup on, not anymore. its just fun little trimmings and an aesthetic choice i make sometimes. and i fuss with my hair like once a week, on wash day. but skincare. fucking SKINCARE. not to be dramatic but my soul feels fucking contaminated by this bullshit. maybe the worst part is that i thoroughly enjoy every fucking second of it. the day i willingly chose to skip my serums or toners or essences or lotions or WHATEVER, not out of chronic illness-related fatigue but by CHOICE?? the day i chose to leave the house without a lick of sunscreen, without having even rinsed my face? that will be the day i have won. but i really cant fathom that happening. because goddamnit its soothing. because it makes me feel good and happy and like ME. like its a part of my fucking identity or something. and that is sickening. utterly disgusting. and its not totally on me that i drank the fucking coolaid but i have to take SOME responsibility for my wellbeing, right? like this is actively harming me mentally. theres no way in hell that it isnt. it doesnt fucking matter that it feels joyful cuz its fucking. poison. and i hate to use this term but there is no alternative that really does it justice. its brainrot. pure and fucking simple. like at what point do i need professional help with this shit. cuz i know i NEED to give this up. i NEED to radically and fundamentally change the way i see/experience/think about/understand/whatever my skin. like there is no question about it anymore. but even THINKING about that makes me feel deeply and horrifically panicky. but i am hopeful because this nausea is new. i think this is the first step in reconfiguring my mindset. but shit man this is gonna be rough. and thats what i think about that. : \