#sports are going to make me a calvinist literally there is no such thing as free will everything is predestined

[foxglves]

it really is crazy how much being a panther suits matthew like. he made the flames who they were during the time he played for them but he was made for florida.

[fromfaewithlove]

One thing i realized is that I’ve compromised every single aspect of my existence and it’s so unhealthy. It’s turned me into a walking oxymoron. This is a hard thing to put into words but I don’t have real fun yet still I lack discipline.

Having fun makes me feel guilty to my core so I don’t really know what I enjoy or what I like - I never bothered to figure it out. I don’t do what I want. I do what I should. But deep down I want to see the world and learn languages and play video games and go to sports events take risks and be youthful.

But I was ultimately raised to be very passive and puritanical. If I’m not doing work in some way shape or form or I can’t make an argument as to why what I’m doing is productive — I can’t justify spending time on it.

So instead I do boring things that aren’t very healthy in the end of the day. I work 60-70hr weeks (I literally work at a club because going out dancing makes me feel guilty), I hurt my body working out more than I should, and I obsessively read the news all day. Don’t get me wrong, I love journalism but a lot of what I absorb isn’t actually journalism but instead a circle jerk of bad news no one can do anything about (ie old man in Loire valley drives his car into a ravine, stray dog attacks hiker family, etc etc).

Instead of having real discipline that is poised towards meeting goals that make me happy I just waste time having not fun and then I brag about how sophisticated that makes me but really. It just makes me fucking puritan. I don’t even believe in heaven or hell or a god figure why am I working myself into a dead end? I’m a Buddhist I believe in dharma, in Nam Myoho Renge Kyo, and in self reliance! Why is the concept of enjoying my life somehow offensive to me?

And because I don’t actually take time to enjoy myself I am burnt out all the time.There is no real value to discipline beyond paying my bills to support my basic necessities. Why have goals, why achieve anything if it’s not work? I have this burning desire to go to law school even though I don’t want to be a lawyer why? Because im addicted to work, the aesthetic of working, the austerity that comes with of working a lot. When you’re working yourself away you don’t have to think about your happiness you can just keep going on idley.

And all of this because a bunch of Calvinists who were so eager for any sign that they were gonna go to heaven and also believed that everything in their life was predetermined felt too guilty to have fun or take a stand to achieve their own happiness. And this permeated into American work culture and American Christianity as a whole which is how I was raised.

So my 2024 resolutions are to have real fun, practice real discipline and make real progress - not try to do some hodgepodge amalgamation of it all that ultimately leaves me in the same spot year after year.