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strangerqueerthings · 1 year

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Chapter 12- Seen

(Posting the chapter here until AO3 is back up; full fic here when the servers are back up.)

Eddie finally gets a good look at Billy's other side- and while Billy tends to his wounds, Eddie divulges in his own secret, which only brings them closer... and one step closer to moving on and healing from the trauma of Billy's death.

CW for mild-moderate gore and violence.

(It's a hefty post; 6k+ words. Also, bc I need to reiterate this- trans folks in the 80s-90s used the term transsexual. Some trans folks STILL use this term. It's what Eddie uses for himself, it's era appropriate.)

Eddie wasn't sure when or how they got back to the cabin- he blacked out as soon as Billy picked him up in his arms. His ribs screamed in agony, and the pain of having them pressed against Billy's chest had him falling into a blissful state of unconsciousness.

He came to as Billy laid him down gently on the porch, and he saw Billy's form begin to shudder. His limbs twitched, his joints starting to pop and crack, and Eddie coughed out his name.

“Billy, wait.”

Billy stopped, halting his transformation as he turned his head and focused four of his eyes on him- the other two still scanning the area around them, ever vigilant, watchful. Scared.

“What is it?” he asked.

“Let me see you, Billy,” Eddie said, getting to his feet.

His head swam, and he swayed a little, but managed to stay upright when Billy put a large hand to his waist, long, taloned fingers curling around his lower back. Those hands were massive, the talons were long and wicked, and he could feel the tips through his clothes, but Billy's hold was so gentle, so careful, that Eddie wasn't afraid of being hurt by them.

“Eddie…,” Billy began, but Eddie reached up and touched his face.

He ran his hands over the smooth bone of his skeletal muzzle, fingers tracing over the curves of his cheekbones, before running fingertips over the sharp edges of his teeth, along the length of his ripping fangs.

Billy's mandibles fluttered as Eddie moved his hands to touch them, and an expression of wonder crossed his face as the mandibles moved under his fingers.

Billy held his breath the entire time, not wanting to exhale the scent of blood and gore into Eddie's face. He didn't want the touch to stop, for Eddie to be scared or draw back. He wanted more of his soft warm hands on his monstrous face as he stared into those big, soft, brown eyes that were wide with wonder- even if one was still swollen shut from the beating he'd taken.

He didn't want those eyes to be filled with fear- not from him, not of him.

The last thing he wanted was for Eddie to be afraid of him. Eddie, his only friend, his family, the boy that he loved.

Eddie, the boy he'd killed nearly ten men to protect.

The boy he'd crossed over and through two different realms to save.

He was glad that Eddie had been hiding during the slaughter. Billy had ripped them all apart, dug into their ribs and eaten their hearts, devoured their livers, gorged on kidney and spleen alike, filling his gut with offal like he was at an all-you-can-eat buffet. He was full of viscera, flesh, and blood, and he'd never felt so satisfied.

And still, it wasn't enough. Still, there was a hunger, a desire, an itch he couldn't scratch, and he had no idea what it was.

He just hoped it wasn't Eddie that his monstrous side was craving. He'd rather starve and die than hurt Eddie. He'd rip through entire armies, tear them limb from limb, if it meant keeping Eddie safe.

He’d charge into the Other Side and face that massive creature by himself, even if he died in the process, if it meant protecting Eddie from it.

Eddie lifted Billy's hand, sliding his own into Billy's massive palm. His hand- even with its long, musician's fingers- was engulfed by Billy's palm alone. It was so pale, almost delicate, against the dark, scaled skin of Billy's clawed hand.

“I'm a monster,” Billy said, breaking the silence, his voice thick, guttural, his breath hot, reeking of copper and salt, but Eddie didn't flinch, didn't pull away. He looked right into Billy's eyes, his expression serious.

“I still love you.”

Eddie had debated on it since Billy had showed up on his doorstep. Yeah, it had only been a few weeks, yeah, they had only been dating for those few weeks, and some people would say it was too soon to be making declarations of love, but given their track record, there was no such thing as too soon.

Eddie had learned that waiting for 'the right time,' and not taking risks ended up with him never getting the chance to say what he felt, to the people that mattered.

He wasn't going to let that happen again. If he and Billy were separated again, or worse, he wanted to make sure Billy knew how he really felt.

Billy stared at Eddie, his jaws and mandibles slack, his ribs tight, his heart racing.

I still love you.

Eddie loved him? Even after what he'd seen? Despite standing right here, in front of a monster over twice his size that reeked of gore? Even though he'd been kidnapped, interrogated and beaten because of his connection to this monster that he'd become?

“Eddie, I-”

“I'm serious, Billy,” Eddie cut him off. “Fangs, claws, and all, I still love you. I've been in love with you since…”

He rubbed the back of his neck with his free hand. When had he fallen in love with Billy? He wasn't sure, because it was such a slowly encroaching, encompassing feeling, something that started so subtly, so slowly, he had no idea when it began.

“I don't know,” he admitted. “All I know is that I've loved you since before you disappeared, when everyone said you'd died, and it broke my heart into pieces. All I know is that I was getting punched and kicked, shown and told awful things about you, and I wouldn't tell them where you were.”

Billy was quiet, watching Eddie's hand disappear as he curled his fingers around it. It was something, really, how small Eddie was in comparison to him. He was so easily broken, so fragile in his grasp, but Billy knew otherwise.

He could easily break Eddie without even thinking about it, but Eddie was stronger and braver than anyone gave him credit for.

And Billy loved him for it.

Billy gathered Eddie into his arms, a low rumble issuing from his chest as he lowered his muzzle to press into Eddie's hair, breathing in the scent of him, devouring his presence, drinking in his warmth, the pressure of his body against his, listening to the way his human heart sang in his bruised ribs like a bird in a cage.

This beautiful, fragile human had upended his entire life for the monster that held him now, had taken a beating for him in his staunch refusal to give away his location. He put his small hand in his massive claws, looked into his monstrous face, and told him he still loved him.

Despite being nearly fourteen feet tall, with hooves and claws and a twisted, skeletal face, bristling with fur and claws and spines, Billy felt human again for the first time since coming back to life.

All for the love of the human boy he cradled in his arms.

“I love you, too, Eddie,” he managed. It felt flat, meaningless. He didn't know how to word the way he felt for Eddie, for the way Eddie made him feel, especially in that moment. It was all he could think to say, and he felt foolish for it.

Eddie didn't need Billy to say it back to him. The way Billy held him so carefully, but so close, the way he snuffled in his hair, the way his hand cradled his, and the other hand curled around his waist and the small of his back so gently, so tenderly, as if he were holding a cracked egg he was afraid of breaking, all told him how Billy felt. Words were unnecessary in the face of every physical cue that Billy was showing him.

Eddie pressed his lips to Billy's chest, kissing the scar there. It was large, deep, and Eddie didn't know how he'd gotten it, but he didn't care. It was Billy's and it was part of him. The skin was almost waxy, knotted, gnarled, the result of the trauma that had been life-ending for Billy. He loved it.

It was proof that Billy Hargrove wouldn't be taken by death without a fight.

Billy had felt shame over the scar on his chest when he'd first come back from the brink. He'd avoided looking at it, kept a shirt on when he could, and had recoiled when the doctors and scientists had touched it. It was a mark of everything that had gone wrong, of all the wrongs he'd committed.

Now, however, with Eddie's lips on the scar, his hand moving to trace the lines of the darkened skin, he felt less ashamed. It wasn't the mark of a sinner, the mark of the damned.

It was proof he survived.

Eddie pressed his ear to Billy's chest, listening to his heart beat under his skin. It was still his, albeit louder, slower, but stronger. It was calm, and steady, and it reassured Eddie that Billy was okay, that he wasn't scared, and that he shouldn't be, either.

Eddie let go of Billy's hand and pulled back so he could further explore his boyfriend's “other side.” Before he put hands to Billy's skin, he looked up at him questioningly.

“Can I?”

Billy was grateful that he had no flesh on his face to flush- but his mandibles flared, giving him away. At least, he knew they flared in the equivalent of a blush, but he didn't know if Eddie knew that.

“In a minute,” he said, noticing that Eddie's lip was bleeding again.

“Your lip is bleeding again, and you need ice on your eye,” Billy fussed, worried. “I'm worried about where else you might be hurt.”

“All over, if I'm being honest,” Eddie admitted. “But I don't care about that. I'm okay. Promise.”

The way he shook in Billy's arms said otherwise, and Billy's mandibles twitched- the pair on the left flattened against the side of his skull, and the pair on the right twitched outward.

“You won't fit inside in that form, and I want to get to know this new side of you. I want to know you. All of you,” Eddie said, still tracing the lines of Billy's scar with his fingers.

“I can change at any time, Eddie. For now, we need to look at your wounds. I'm scared your ribs might be broken,“ Billy growled softly.

Eddie nodded. Now was as good a time as any. He'd resolved to tell Billy everything before being abducted, but now, he was more sure than ever that it was the best idea to tell him.

He was also a bit reassured that Billy wouldn't see him as a monster if he told him everything. That, or he'd see him as a fellow monster, and they could be monsters together.

“Okay,” he said. “I have something to share with you, anyway, since we're both opening up about everything.”

Billy tilted his head, but said nothing, his joints and limbs starting to creak, pop, and groan as they shifted, and Eddie watched as his frame shrank and reshaped itself into the boy he loved so much.

A very naked boy.

Eddie flushed, and Billy did, too, but he tried to cover it up with a smarmy grin.

“Clothes aren't an option when I change- not if I want to keep them,” Billy said, his grin fading as Eddie swayed again. He quickly moved close to help hold Eddie up, and led him inside. Billy took Eddie to the bedroom, sitting him down on the bed.

”Take your shirt off,“ he instructed, grabbing a pair of his boxers and slipping them on before going to the main room to grab their first aid kit.

Eddie hesitated, but took a deep breath, then removed his battle vest, jacket, and shirt, leaving the tight layer of spandex wrapped around his chest.

It was once the legs of a pair of yoga pants- he'd cut the black fabric into multiple tube-tops of sorts, then sewn them together, to add to their compression. Worn under his shirt, the compression garment hid his chest, helped him pass. He was reluctant to remove it- even if it was pressing on his sore ribs.

Billy came back into the room with a washcloth wrapped around a baggie of ice, and the first aid kit. He had two cold beers tucked between his forearm and chest, and a bottle of tylenol. He paused, frowning at Eddie's clothing.

”Eddie, what're you wearing that for?“ he asked.

Eddie patted the bed beside him, and Billy sat down. Eddie took a deep breath to steady his nerves- and was actually relieved when it didn't hurt too bad. Maybe his ribs weren't broken, only bruised.

”Billy, I need to tell you something. After you showed me your other side, using it to save my life, it's only fair.“

Billy cocked his head, still frowning, but he was quiet, waiting for Eddie to tell him on his own time, in his own way. Part of him was worried that Eddie was going to tell him he'd changed his mind, that he wasn't really gay, that he'd just missed him as a friend- that the monster side of him made Eddie realize that Billy really was an awful person, inside and out.

Eddie reached out and took Billy's hand, squeezing it.

“It's not about you, promise,” he said reassuringly. “It's… me, and what I am, who I am.”

Billy squeezed Eddie's hand.

“Nothing you could say, do, or be would change my opinion of you, Eddie.”

“I'll hold you to that,” Eddie joked, his voice cracking a bit as he choked back nervous laughter.

“I'm transsexual, Billy. That's why I have this top on- it flattens my chest. I've been using steroids since I was fifteen to make my periods stop and to get facial hair- even though I never really did, but I did get hair on my stomach and legs.”

Eddie took another breath and continued.

“I never thought or felt I was a girl, and since I've been using the steroids and the compression top, no one has ever really noticed. Wayne, he's really great about it. He calls me his nephew, he lied to the teachers and kinda had someone forge some of my records so the school doesn't know any better, and he takes me to a doctor in Chicago that doesn't ask questions- if I need to go to the doctor, anyway. Gareth and Jeff and Frank, they don't know, but they've never asked or suspected, and I guess you didn't, either, but I wanted to tell you because I love you, and I want more, but I didn't want to shock you if we ever-”

Billy put a finger to Eddie's lips to quiet his rambling.

“I get it,” he said softly, and Eddie tried to swallow, his mouth suddenly very dry.

“And?”

Billy smiled.

“I still love you, Eddie,” he said.

“You don't mind that I don't-”

“You don't have to have anything, Eddie- unless it's me you want, in which case, you have me. All of me.”

Eddie felt his eyes sting, and he hiccuped a little, trying to bite back the sob that leapt into his throat. He winced as his ribs gave a sharp throb of protest, and Billy's expression grew serious.

“Right now, though, I want to look at your ribs. Can I?”

Eddie nodded. Billy had had CPR training, along with repeated certification to be a lifeguard, and he was told that CPR could result in broken ribs, and he was taught how to identify them for EMTs.

“Where does it hurt?” Billy asked, and Eddie turned his side to him.

”Side, slightly to the back.“

Billy gasped despite himself as Eddie pulled the top off, exposing his back and side. On Eddie's pale skin, multiple bruises were already blooming in angry, ugly splotches of black, blue, and purple. One of them looked very much like the toe of a boot.

”Did they kick you?“ he managed between gritted teeth.

”They were aiming for my kidney. I squirmed out of the way, but they got my ribs instead,“ Eddie replied, his voice cutting off in a gasp as Billy carefully palpated the bruised area.

Billy was grateful for his new enhanced senses- he could hear how Eddie's heartbeat spiked with the pain, but what he didn't hear was any crunching or cracking. Nor did he feel any bumps or swelling over each rib.

”Good news. No breaks, just really bad bruises that are going to hurt like hell for a few weeks,“ he said, gently pressing the makeshift icepack to Eddie's side.

Eddie hissed, but leaned into the cold of the ice pack, moving his own hand over to hold it in place. Billy pressed a beer into his free hand, then cracked open his own, chugging it in one long, noisy quaff.

”Hedonist,“ Eddie teased gently, and Billy responded with a bed-rattling belch that made Eddie laugh- then wince as it jostled his ribs.

”Ooof, don't make me laugh, that hurt!“

Billy leaned over and pressed a kiss to Eddie's forehead, then opened the first aid kit. He opened the bottle of tylenol and shook four into his palm.

”Probably not the best idea to drink beer right now, but you deserve it,“ Billy said, holding them out to Eddie.

”That, and a big fat joint,“ Eddie agreed, taking a swig of beer, then tilting his head back and tossing the tylenol into his mouth and swallowing them with the beer.

Eddie sighed and drank some more of his beer, watching as Billy began taking inventory of his wounds. He flushed from his hairline to his chest when Billy lowered his head and ran his tongue over each cut, every abrasion, licking the blood away with a low hum, savoring the taste on his tongue.

His blood wasn’t satisfying like food was, like those men had been. It was special. It was Eddie’s, and it wasn’t supposed to be outside of his veins. It couldn’t, shouldn’t be wasted.

It would be a sin to waste his blood.

Eddie was quiet and still, feeling Billy’s tongue run over his wounds, watching how Billy was practically reverent in his actions, his hands so gentle, so careful, as they ghosted over his bruised flesh. Every time he pulled his blood stained tongue back into his mouth, his eyes fluttered shut, his thick eyelashes brushing over flushed cheeks as he swallowed.

The way he held him, the way he tasted him, his fingers trembling, his breath shaky against his injured skin, the way his lips parted like a sigh before his tongue lovingly laved over his wounds, all made Eddie think of a man at prayer, worshiping at the damaged altar that was his body.

Billy tasted his blood, felt every drop in his mouth, down his throat, felt it in his stomach, swore he could feel it surging through his own veins, and he let out a soft sound that was neither moan, sigh, or sob, but a little of all three, and yet nothing of the sort.

He’d lost his faith, but taking Eddie’s fragile, wounded body into his hands, bringing his blood into his mouth, his very veins, was an act of transubstantiation that no Eucharistic wafer, no watered down wine could ever hope to achieve. It was an act of worship that left him feeling far more satisfied, more enlightened, more sure of his place in the universe than any sermon, any prayer had ever given him.

God had abandoned him, but had given him Eddie in His place.

He came back to himself when every wound had been licked clean, and worried about what his saliva might do, Billy followed up by wiping each one gently with a damp cloth, and applied neosporin to them.

Billy was careful to avoid touching, or looking at Eddie's chest too closely- thankfully, he didn't have any major injuries there, so a surreptitious glance was all he needed. The bruises he couldn't do much for, save for ghosting his lips over each one, murmuring ”I'm sorry,“ with every single one.

”Why are you sorry?“ Eddie asked when he was done. ”You saved my ass back there.“

”You wouldn't have needed saving if it weren't for me,“ Billy replied, guilt etched into every line, every angle, every curve and plane of his face.

”I'd do it again,“ Eddie said simply, taking another long chug from his beer.

”You'd better not!“ Billy scolded.

”You think I'd let those assholes drag you back to the lab? Or kill you? Hell no! I finally got you back, and I intend on keeping you!“ Eddie retorted, setting the beer on the nightstand and pulling out one of his Metallica shirts from the drawer.

His compression top was not going to be comfortable with his bruised ribs, so he was going to go without for a few days- thankfully, the holiday break was starting in a week. Eddie would just wear some baggy clothes, and attend classes just long enough to get his exams done, then skip the rest and convalesce.

It was yet another reason he was relieved that he’d finally let Billy know- now he didn’t have to hide anything, and could recover all the faster for it.

Once he'd pulled the shirt on- which was two sizes too big for him- he turned around to face Billy again, sitting cross-legged on the bed. Billy looked at him reproachfully.

”Even after what I did? After what you saw?“ he asked softly.

His voice was small- small, guilty, and afraid- and it scared Eddie. He'd only ever heard that voice a few times, and it was when Neil had been about to unleash his rage on Billy.

Eddie took Billy's hands carefully, rubbing the backs of them with his thumbs. His aching ribs and swollen black eye were both forgotten as he looked into Billy's face and saw the nervous fear written over his countenance.

”What I saw was my boyfriend, literally turning into a rage monster because I had been abducted and interrogated by the same men who had treated him like a lab experiment,“ he said softly, reassuringly.

”Eddie… I ate them. Parts of them. I liked it. I hate that I liked it, but I LIKED it. I tore them apart with my hands, stomped them with my hooves, crushed bones in my mouth and even cut off a guy's head with my tail…. They were human beings, and I was the blender that turned them into paste, and I LIKED IT.“

Billy looked away, and Eddie leaned in, nuzzling against Billy's temple, kissing his cheek. He kept rubbing his hands, giving them a gentle squeeze.

”Adrenaline does that to you, I've noticed,“ he said matter-of-factly. ”You enjoyed beating the shit out of Harrington, if I recall correctly.“

Billy winced, taking his hands away to grab a hair tie from the nightstand and pulling his hair back into a lazy, sloppy ponytail.

”Yeah, and see where that got me?“

“Water under the bridge now, Billy. What matters is the fact that I don't care. The guy that kicked me? Billy… he kicked me in the crotch, because he thought I had balls.”

Billy looked at Eddie, realization dawning on him.

“He didn't….-”

“He realized something was off,” Eddie admitted. “He was threatening to strip me right before you burst in like the Kool-Aid Man.”

Billy's face twitched, his lip curling in a snarl, his exposed teeth lengthening, sharpening into points as a growl rose in his throat, and his fingers started to turn black, knuckles popping as they curled in the comforter.

Eddie took his hands again.

“Hey. No shifting in the cabin. You're too big, and you'll break the bed.”

Eddie gave him a mock serious look.

“When my ribs are healed, I'm hoping you and I can break the bed TOGETHER.”

Billy's teeth shrunk, his fingers shortened, and his sclera went from a gradient of white to black back into a blood-shot white. His face turned red, and a ridiculous grin spread over his face.

“Really? You're okay with that?”

Eddie sighed.

“More than okay- I've been wanting it for over a year now, but I was too much of a coward to say anything… or be truthful with you. I was afraid I'd lose you.”

Billy slid his hands around Eddie's hips and gently tugged him into his lap. Eddie wrapped his thighs around Billy's waist and hooked his ankles together behind Billy's back, draping his arms around his boyfriend's shoulders. Billy sighed contentedly and pressed his forehead to Eddie's, the tips of their noses brushing.

“You're not the first transsexual I've met, Eddie. I lived in San Diego, for crying out loud. You would be the first I've dated, though.”

“Does it matter to you? I mean… if you aren't into… my equipment, we don't have to-”

“Babe,” Billy said gently. “I like men, mostly, but it's a presentation thing. You look, sound, dress and act like a guy. You smell like a guy. Most importantly, you SAY you're a guy. So you're a guy… who just happens to have a pussy.”

Billy smirked at him.

“I sometimes make exceptions for girls- if Chrissy Cunningham had been available, and if Heather wasn't a lesbian, I'd have helped myself to either one of them. And even if I'm not really into a girl… I mean, I had a cover to keep, so I did what was expected of me, and I never had any complaints in that department. So, no, I don’t have issue with pussy- it’ll be nice to enjoy some attached to a guy for once.”

“So am I an exception?” Eddie asked carefully.

“You're not an exception, Eddie. I wouldn't care if you had both, neither, or whatever else. I wouldn't care if you didn't want sex at all, because you mean the world to me. I’d be happy just having you here, loving me, letting me love you.”

Billy kissed him, sliding fingers through his messy hair.

“I love you, Eddie. All of you, and everything that comes with it. I don’t entirely understand it, not from a human point of view, but… I get it in my own way, because no matter what form I’m in, there’s a part of me inside that doesn’t match the inside. I’m always gonna be a monster stuck in a human body, or a human stuck in a monster body, y’know?”

Eddie kissed him back, sighing through sinuses suddenly full of tears.

“I love you, Billy- not in spite of your monster side, because I love it, too. Not in spite of your temper or your trauma, because I love them, too. They’re all part of you.”

“I don’t like them, though,” Billy said softly.

“We can’t really get rid of the shit we go through, but we can heal from it,” Eddie replied. “I’ll help you recover, Billy. Just promise me you’ll let me know if you need something from me- support, or if you just need space. Let me know and I’ll give it to you, okay?”

“Does that include ass?” Billy grinned, his teeth glittering, his eyes hungry, then he sobered up a bit.

“I mean… if you’re okay with it, that is.”

“We’ll talk about that when it doesn’t hurt me to breathe and my eye isn’t swollen shut,” Eddie replied, mirroring Billy’s grin and feeling a rush of blood to his loins- Billy’s cock was getting hard, and it was nudging his tender crotch with an incessant pressure.

He wanted Billy- badly- but just having Billy’s hands brush his ribs set a painful fire burning in his bones. Having Billy on top of him wouldn’t be as enjoyable as it should be, and Eddie wasn’t going to have their first time ruined by his injuries.

“Will you tell me everything now?”

Billy didn’t have to ask what Eddie meant, and he was kind of glad Eddie changed the subject- his crotch was so warm against his swollen cock- and the abrupt change to a serious topic had him so distracted that he was going flaccid in a matter of minutes. All the better, really- Eddie was in no shape for the pounding Billy wanted to give him.

“It’s a really, really long story, and it’s going to be hard in places,” he said. “Roll us a joint? I feel like I’m gonna need one to go over this shit again.”

Eddie nodded, and Billy flopped onto his stomach to grab the metal box with Eddie’s stash, handing it over. Eddie opened it, and Billy smiled, understanding washing over his face.

“Was wondering if you were selling steroids, but they were yours all along.”

Eddie flushed a little.

“Yeah, I just tell my source that I’m selling to the local meatheads down here. The less any contacts know, the better.”

Billy leaned back against the pillows and let Eddie lean his good side against him, wrapping an arm around his shoulder to support him. Eddie let out a shuddering breath that spoke measures- of relief, of pain, and of a tension that Billy was familiar with and trying to ignore.

“Your secret is safe with me, babe,” Billy said gently, pressing a kiss to the top of Eddie’s head as he carefully rolled the joint.

“I’d hope so, considering your secret is bigger than mine,” Eddie teased, licking the edge of the rolling paper to seal it, then twisting the end.

“Literally,” Billy agreed with a smirk.

“Light it? My ribs aren’t up to it right now,” Eddie said, handing him the joint.

Billy took it and lit it, then took a few drags to get it started. He tilted his head back, holding the smoke in his lungs before letting it spill from his mouth and nose. Eddie tilted his own head back, watching him with renewed appreciation- clearly, being connected to the Upside Down had affected him, because he didn’t so much as sputter from the deep drag he’d taken.

“Impressive,” he commented, taking the joint and drawing a long drag from it himself- and still coughing a little, much to his chagrin and discomfort. He’d put up with it- the high would help with the pain soon enough.

“Comfy?” Billy asked. Eddie nodded, and Billy kissed the top of his head tenderly.

“Good, because it’s a long story… and you might not believe all of it.”

Eddie snorted.

“After what I’ve seen tonight, I’ll believe anything.”

Billy snorted in amusement, then began telling Eddie everything.

Eddie was quiet as Billy recounted the night he was driving to the Hideout to see Corroded Coffin play, how something had made him crash his car, then dragged him into the bowels of the steelworks.

Billy hesitated when he tried to explain what the monster had done to him, and Eddie stroked his hands gently, reassuringly.

“Skip what you need to, babe. It’s okay.”

Billy nodded, swallowed, then continued. He told Eddie what he’d been made to do, what had happened in that week before his death and resurrection. His voice shook when he talked about the people he’d been made to hurt, the people who’d ended up dying.

“Heather… she was my friend, and the only person who gave a damn about me that day when I was so sick from that… that thing. It’s like I was invisible to everyone once I wasn’t strutting around like a swimsuit model,” he choked out.

Eddie lifted Billy’s hand to his lips, kissing each fingertip, knuckle, the lines of his palm, the inside of his wrist. He wanted to say that if he’d been there, he’d have known, would have done something, said something, but it was empty platitudes.

“Heather gave a damn, and she ended up dying because of it.”

“It wasn’t your fault, Billy,” Eddie said firmly. “You had your choices taken from you.”

Billy wanted to tell him that it wasn’t anything Doctor Weyland hadn’t already told him, but it felt better, felt more real, more sincere, coming from Eddie. Someone who loved him, believed him, trusted him.

“I’m trying to come to terms with that,” he admitted. “It’s hard. Sometimes it was hard to tell if I was being controlled, or if I was doing something by suggestion. The line between me and that thing were so blurred, I lost all sense of myself. I almost forgot who I was.”

“Almost?” Eddie asked.

“I remembered you,” Billy said bluntly. “I remembered you, and did everything in my power to avoid you. You were the last person I wanted to hurt. If you’d become part of that… that thing, I would have killed myself after coming back to life.”

“I didn’t, though.”

“You didn’t,” Billy agreed. “And I cannot tell you how relieved I am that you didn’t.”

“I’m glad I didn’t, because I can’t imagine this world without you in it.”

“If you did, then you wouldn’t be here to know I wasn’t here, either,” Billy said, and Eddie grinned.

“Yeah. Kind of a catch twenty-two, right? We can’t exist without each other.”

“Either you’re being a goober, or we’re both high.”

“Both,” Eddie agreed. “Definitely both.”

Billy laughed softly, grateful for Eddie’s silliness lightening the mood, and he dipped his head to kiss him. Eddie hummed, tilting his head back to give Billy better access, reaching up with his free hand to stroke Billy’s jaw.

“Mine,” Billy growled softly between kisses, and Eddie felt a thrill run through him from head to toe and back again at the possessiveness in Billy’s voice.

“Yours,” he confirmed. “All yours.”

They fell into comfortable, companionable silence for a few minutes, passing the joint back and forth until it was gone, draining their beers. Billy reached over and turned out the light, pulling Eddie into his arms, letting Eddie shift until he was comfortable.

“So… the Upside Down. The other side. Are there monsters there?” Eddie asked into the warm, soothing dark.

Billy was quiet for a few moments. The dark was safe, comforting, but it was no longer pitch black like it was before his death. Now, he saw the outlines of everything as if it were early morning, just before the sun rose.

It was comforting because he knew humans couldn’t see him hiding in its depths- but he could see them.

“Yeah. There’s monsters there. Not like me, because they weren’t human. They always were. And there’s… something else there. Something huge, something I can’t describe because I haven’t seen much of it. I just felt it, saw one of its limbs rise from the ground. When it moves, it feels like the earth is falling apart under your feet, and it sounds like the earth is groaning in agony. There aren’t words for it, except massive and unknowable,” he finally said.

“The Thing cannot be described - there is no language for such abysms of shrieking and immemorial lunacy, such eldritch contradictions of all matter, force, and cosmic order,” Eddie quoted.

Billy laughed into the darkness.

“I teased you for liking that Lovecraft stuff but… yeah. There aren’t any words to describe the thing on the other side, and when I try to think of them, my brain hurts.”

“It’s not the thing but the attempt at trying to understand the thing,” Eddie agreed.

He rolled over, wincing and gasping as he jarred his bruised ribs, but was determined to face Billy. He snuggled close, pressing his face into Billy’s chest, and Billy buried his nose in Eddie’s hair, inhaling deeply.

“It doesn’t matter,” he murmured. “What matters now is you. Us.”

“We’ve laid ourselves bare,” Eddie said, voice muffled. “Nothing left to reveal. It’s all exposed. The good, the bad, the ugly.”

“There’s nothing ugly about you, Eddie,” Billy said firmly.

“Just like there’s nothing ugly about you, Billy.”

He lifted his head. He couldn’t really see Billy’s face in the shadows, but he could feel his breath, taste the beer and weed lingering on his tongue as their lips met.

“How can I find anything ugly in someone who makes me feel so seen?”

Billy let out a trembling laugh as he pulled Eddie close, doing his best not to hurt him. Eddie was right, and it made him feel like he was a few steps closer to accepting himself, and the events that had led up to this moment.

At that moment, he had never felt so seen.

#fic: take me away #mungrove #sqt fic

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