#staring of into the distance and rethinking my life fr

[babygirlcowboy]

happy birthday evyn!!!!!

Tehehe thank you 💕

[jaehyunskitten22]

Important // Namjoon Scenario // fluff

A/N: My sister was talking about cuddling with Namjoon and somehow I got this from that lol. For fair warnings sake, there is a kind of panic/anxiety attack in this and a slight mention of self injury (but nothing graphic I promise!) I will put that section in italics so if you want to skip it you can, it won’t really hurt your understanding of the story if you don’t read it.  I hope you enjoy! 

Namjoon said that he would be done hours ago. Of course you understand that this is very important to him and of course you understand that 'you can't rush the process' and that this process took a long time, which was okay, but you needed to talk to him. You even offered to leave, knowing that this track was important and even telling him so, but his response was nothing more than a simple:

"You're important too."

And he begged you with his eyes to stay, to keep him company, to cherish the time that you guys got together and not waste it. You readily agreed, knowing that you had been lonely in his absence and thinking that you would be content with just staring at the back of his head for a little while longer, he just had 'one more bit to go'.

He was wrong, and so were you.

'One more bit' turned into another bit, which turned into another hour, him wanting perfection, but you were wanting comfort. A shoulder to lean on, someone to hug you and make you feel like things were going to be alright. Maybe you shouldn't bother him with your stupid problems, them seeing completely irrelevant and mundane compared to the complexity of the issues that he was facing, but you were still hurt. You felt unimportant, like a burden, confused, and not knowing why. You felt like you were slowing him down and you knew that people finding out that he was friends with a fat girl would cause him problems, and you didn't want that to happen. You were growing cold on the couch, both physically and mentally, your brain feeling like a fuzzy TV screen, and you really just wanted to go home and cry, trying to get his help was a mistake. You had grown way too dependent on him, and grown too attached. You had grown to love him more than a friend should, and you needed to get away from him before he found out. Maybe you could go home now, he didn't even know that you were feeling this way or that you wanted to talk to him, it would be easy.

"Joon, I think I'm gonna go." You stood to leave, not really trying to meet his confused gaze, and you shuffled towards him, pressing a light kiss to his cheek, mumbling a quick 'I love you'.

"Hey, you don't have to go. I got distracted with this, I didn't mean to ignore you. We can hang out now, if you want." He reached out his hands and slid them down your arms, wrapping his hands loosely around your wrists with a bashful smile. You briefly considered staying again, but the tingles and jittery feelings of his hands on your squishy arms reminded you of your need to go. You smiled tiredly, your round cheeks protesting against the simple action, and shook your head.

"It's fine, Joonie. I have to get up early for class tomorrow anyway. I'll text you." You weren't sure if you lied or not, your mind was blank and you weren't sure of anything at this point. You bent over and tugged your boots over your chubby calves and tugged your hoodie over your head, fluffing out your hair and offering a wave while you walked out the door, closing it with a small sigh. Everything would be fine.

~

Everything was not fine. As soon as you walked through the door to your apartment, you felt frustration build up in your chest, not understanding what was going on, what had went wrong to make you feel this way. It was nothing short of a miracle that you managed to keep it together during the walk home, the brisk night air gave you something to focus on. There wasn't a distraction here. The silence of the apartment closed you in, made you feel like a caged animal with no where to go or hide. It told you that it knew everything, your shortcomings, your flaws, your fears and doubts, and it mocked them. You turned on music, trying to fill the silence with something, anything, but it was still there. You found yourself pacing, walking around in a circuit- in front of the silent TV, the window and door, behind the couch. You started digging, sinking your nails into the chubby skin of your forearms and picking and scratching, needing to fidget, needing to distract. You couldn't think to turn on the TV, you couldn't think to maybe call someone, like your sister or friend, and have them talk to you about unimportant tasks, distracting you from yourself. You were crying, you felt the tears streaming down your face but there was nothing you could do. You were trapped, a prisoner of your own mind.

~

You woke up the next morning in your bed, not remembering getting there but also remembering that you blacked out when things became too much, your mind being put on neutral and your body just going through the motions. You had no class today, you accidentally lied to Namjoon, and you were thankful and upset. Thankful, because you felt like an exhausted mess, and upset because there were no distractions. You sent a brief text to Namjoon, apologizing for your odd behavior and apologizing for being wrong about having class today. You shut your phone off without waiting for a response and chucked it somewhere on the couch next to you. You flipped on the TV, looking through the channels aimlessly until you settled on some nature documentary, it being the perfect background for you to zone back into your thoughts.

School was going well enough, your social life was lacking but then again it always has, nothing 'bad' had really happened lately. You still felt like you were being too reliant on Namjoon, too clingy and needy, loving him too much, and you knew that you wanted to distance yourself from him a little bit, learn to deal with things on your own. You decided to turn your phone back on after you managed to rethink every single one of your life choices and regretted them in some way, needing the distraction and something to focus on, to keep you occupied; the nature documentary wasn't cutting it. You received an influx of notifications, most from Namjoon, all asking you if you were upset, if you needed to talk, to all of which you just responded with a simple 'no' and you started scrolling through Instagram, double-tapping every single post without even looking at the picture or reading the caption, the rhythmic tapping somehow calming you a little. You put your phone on 'do not disturb', Namjoon had grown a little irritating, texting you constantly and trying to get you to respond, he was 'worried about you' and saying that you 'seemed off' and 'maybe you should talk to me'. Something that you wanted so badly yesterday now seemed terrifying, the thought of trying to voice your doubts and fears scaring you, knowing that they probably sounded ridiculous to someone who had to work so hard to get to the place he was, and wanting to deal with it on your own, feeling like he felt obligated to care and help. You were also afraid of him catching onto your feelings, feelings that definitely would not be reciprocated. You could handle it.

~

You hadn't really talked to Namjoon in four or five days, you hadn't really talked to anyone in four or five days, simply going back and forth to class, coming home and doing your work, and just trying to fall into a routine that kept you distracted. His texts slowed down but they never completely stopped, stating that he 'may be busy, but he still wanted to talk to you' and that definitely sealed the deal on not telling him or bothering him, not wanting to get in the way when he was busy working and making something of himself, unlike you. You were proud of him and didn't want to hold him back.

It went on like that for another week, you being numb to your feelings and missing Namjoon, but knowing that he was busy doing what he loved and that you were a distraction, something that could ruin his image. You texted him back occasionally so he wouldn't think you were dead and he wouldn't worry too much, telling him that you were fine and that nothing was wrong and that you needed space. Things slowly became a new version of normal, and you shoved your feelings into a box and put them on a high shelf in the back of your mind.

You just finished the last class of the week and you were ready to go home and relax to the best of your abilities, maybe watch a movie and take a nap or go to bed early, the thought speeding up your walk to your apartment door. Before you were even down the hall, you saw a familiar head of brown hair pacing by your door and your heart sank into your stomach, slight panic taking its place. You tried to ignore the feeling of relief that you felt, pretend it didn't exist, at seeing him in person again after avoiding him for almost a week and a half. You considered turning around and high-tailing it to a nearby café, but seeing how worried and scared he looked, you felt guilty for even thinking about it. So you steeled your nerves and pushed your shoulders back and almost stalked down the hallway, a trick you learned when you were an unconfident and uncomfortable high school student: when you feel unconfident, fake confidence. A look of relief washed over his face when he saw you, and he looked like he was going to yank you into his arms, but at the last second he thought better of it.

"I'm sorry that it seems like I don't appreciate you, but I do." You furrowed your brows and cocked your head to the side, unlocking your door and pushing it open.

"I know you appreciate me. You have nothing to apologize for." You gave him a soft smile and made to walk into your apartment but he gripped onto your hand and gently pulled you back, intertwining both of your hands in his while looking down at you with a small smile and raised brows.

"Then I want to spend time with you. I miss my best friend." You bit your lip, the offer sounding tempting, but you felt that you should turn him down, say you didn't feel well so you didn't have to do it; no matter how tempting the proposition was. He felt your hesitance and his shoulders sagged along with his smile, and he dropped your hands and rubbed at the back of his neck sheepishly.

"We don't have-"

"I want to. I miss you too." You pulled him into your apartment and shut the door, watching with a smile as he ran over to your couch and flopped down on it, hugging a pillow to his chest. You sighed, your heart fluttering at his actions, and you realized how much you really missed him.

"I'm calling in a pizza, you pick a movie."

~

"Come closer to me~. You're never this far away." The movie was playing in the background and you could tell that neither of you were really focusing on it, which wasn't really surprising. You followed his request and scooted closer to him and he rested his head on your pillowy thighs, smiling contentedly when you moved to start playing with his hair by reflex. He had a dopey look on his face, he wouldn't look away from you even if you were watching the movie, and you raised your brows at him in search of an explanation.

"You're really beautiful, you know that?" You looked up to the ceiling and snorted, intent on hiding your rosy cheeks, believing that this was a joke and you didn't want him to see how affected you were by it.

"Beautiful for a fat chick, right?" You clarified, and he clicked his tongue in a scolding tone while sitting up off your lap, turning his body to face you and you did the same.

"Why would you being fat put you on a different standard of beauty, Y/N?" You looked away and shrugged, not really having an answer other than the fact that you were told that your whole life. He slowly reached forward to tilt your head back towards him but you moved your head away from his palm and he settled for tucking your hair behind your ear and stroking your cheek with his knuckles.

"Why didn't you talk to me for a week and a half? Why won't you look at me?" You released a shaky sigh, trying to come up with a believable lie and failing, so you decided to settle for half-truths.

"You were busy." It was a horrible lie. He was always busy and that's never stopped you before. He gently grabbed your arms and flipped them palm up, looking at the scabs that you created on yourself from your anxiety a week ago. He swore under his breath and pulled your face to look at him, holding it there firmly. He didn't speak for a while, trying to figure out what to say and how to say it you assumed, and you were preparing yourself for the worst.

"You know that I'm never too busy to talk to you and help you through your problems, Y/N." You sighed and rolled your eyes, not believing him at all.

"I'm not going to put my stupid problems on your plate when you're already working so hard." You snapped, becoming uncomfortable because he was getting too close to the truth and he narrowed his eyes at you, studying your face and body language.

"You're not a burden or a waste of time, Y/N." Bingo.

"I... I never said I was-"

"You don't have to say anything. I noticed. I notice you." You were silent, terrified of the other possible things that he could have noticed. He continued.

"You have no idea of how hard it was for me to blatantly see you struggling and waiting for you to bring it up when I have the sneaking suspicion that you never will. But I kept waiting, believing that when you were really struggling and in pain that you would trust me enough to tell me, but I guess I was a little wrong." You're eyes widened at the notion of him thinking that you didn't trust him, the notion sounding absolutely ridiculous. Of course you trusted Namjoon, he's your best friend for a reason!

"The fact that you think I don't trust you is almost laughable. There's a reason why you're the only person I even considered bringing up my problems to. There's a reason why I let you touch my stomach and hips and trace your mindless doodles on them. There's a reason I let you hold me at night when you can't sleep, even though it makes me slightly uncomfortable to be so close to someone that means so much to me. I trust you." You raked your nails through your hair, moving to get off the couch and he grabbed your hips and hauled you onto his lap, you automatically struggling, not wanting to be held so close to him when you were already struggling with your feelings.

"Then why won't you trust me now? Why won't you let me hold you now?" He had a sort of teasing lilt to his voice, something that confused you but you ignored. He had you straddling his lap, something you two had always done, but it felt different this time. The way his thumbs were rubbing small circles into your wide hips and the way his eyes, with a hint of a smile in them, peered into your own felt different this time. The feelings were overwhelming, the look in his eyes was equally overwhelming and hard to read, everything was overwhelming. So overwhelming that you needed to get away from it or you would do something that you would regret, like kissing him like some cliché movie moment, so you opted for the truth, which you were sure would scare him away.

"Because I like it too much! I like you too much!" You whined, just wanting out of the situation, watching his eyes widen and waiting for the inevitable.

But he laughed.

You groaned and he tugged your head into his shoulder, letting you hide your blushing face in his hoodie while holding the back of your head, with his other hand caressing your side gently, tracing every bump and swell that he found.

"Now was that so bad?" He sounded smug and your stomach did an uneasy flip, fearing that he was teasing you, mocking you and that he had been waiting for this moment for so long, to make fun of you and embarrass you, something you knew he wouldn't do out of meanness, but it still scared you. He tried to tug your head out of his shoulder but you refused to be moved so he let you be and wrapped you in a hug, his arms sinking into your skin, something you knew he liked the feel of because of how much he told you about it, how often he called you warm and comfortable, like a fluffy and soft blanket.

"How long have you known?" You had turned your head so you wouldn't be muffled, but it still came out rather hesitant and shy and he shivered beneath you, because your breath accidentally puffed against his neck. He was silent for a few moments, thinking.

"The guys probably knew way before you did because they were watching us like hawks, believing that we would eventually get together, so they noticed the small changes in your personality easily." He paused, gathering his thoughts and you could imagine his face, eyebrows knotted together, lips pursed and eyes towards the ceiling in thought.

"And when Seokjin told me I had refused to believe him, calling him crazy because in my mind there was no possible way that you liked me back, not your dorky and too tall for his own good best friend. So I ignored it until I started to notice it too, the way you blushed when I touched your hips or played with your hair and you had the cutest little blushes and smiles when I treated you very gently, which gave me a huge confidence boost because I thought I was touching you wrong for the longest time." You felt your face heat up, remembering the first time you felt his wandering hands mapping out the features on your face or rubbing at your side while he was holding you when he couldn't sleep, remembering the way your heart leapt out of your chest in worry, afraid that he was going to find something that he didn't like. You pulled away from his neck and met his eyes, noticing the little blush adorning his face and the shy smile tugging at his lips with his hair falling into his eyes, causing you to reach forward and gently comb it out of the way with your fingers. You blushed and slowly removed your hand but before you fully moved it he snagged it in his hand and pressed a small kiss to the inside of your wrist and refusing to meet your gaze afterwards, but not letting go of your hand.

"You said 'back'."

"What do you mean?"

"You said 'liked me back'. So you like me too." It was a statement more than anything but he nodded anyway and it was his turn to nestle his head into the space right above your heart with burning cheeks, and you felt the way his breath fanned against your left breast and you shivered as well, the feeling pleasant and comforting for some reason. Once he calmed down, he moved his face and pulled you closer to his body on your lap, not leaving a whisper of space between you two and your height difference was evened out, leaving your eyes level. He looked like he was going to kiss you, slowly moving his head forward and his gaze flickering to your lips every now and then, bit at the last breath of distance between your lips he grew shy and blushy, mumbling apologies with a breathy laugh while pulling away.

"I'm sorry. I'm too shy to kiss your lips right now. Can I kiss you here instead?" He pointed at your heart and you rolled your eyes, giggling nonetheless and nodding. He leaned down and pressed his lips against the skin and you felt your skin spark at the intimate contact, wondering how this kiss was better for him, but enjoying it anyway. He let his lips linger, almost avoiding your gaze when he pulled away.

"Why are you being so cute and shy? I'm not the first girl you've kissed." You giggled, watching the tips of his ears grow a little red and he pouted, meeting your gaze.

"Yeah but it's the first time I've kissed you." He cringed at his words and swore under his breath, you groaned and lightly hit his shoulder.

"Way too cheesy, Joonie. Way too cheesy."