#starting art teaching made my confidence improve somewhat maybe i was just a little chronically online

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every time i see a new zine pop up i get a pit of dread in my stomach because i want to apply but also i dont want to risk not getting in because not getting into tht one zine made me spiral so bad bc irl stuff was also happening at the time and i eventually just came to the irrational conclusion that the mods probably hated me personally and also i shouldnt have wasted 4 years getting an art degree if i cant even do one random zine and thats why they also led me on w that one tweet. i think that part fucks me up the most because i really truly started believing i was gonna get in 100% when the account replied to my tweet when they didnt do that for anyone else. and i genuinely dont know if its dramatic of me or not to be upset by it bc i try to be aware i have rsd so its hard to rationalize these things. and i know it’s irrational but at the same time if i think about it too much im like oh i see i understand now this makes total sense. im worried its an unspoken rule ive never noticed that zines are a friend based thing and bc im not friends w people everyone is like why is this guy applying. is he illiterate. and i feel like any time the topic of zines comes up in a chat i annoy the shit out of everyone bc i cant help being like “oo im nervous i wont get in :(“ i need to stop saying that all the time i know. sorry