#struck by this memory i had of when i was so into rvb. probably the most fun was interacting with other fans when the episodes came out and

[becquerel]

biggest reason tumblr doesn't do live crazy posting anymore is that streaming services killed liveposting . when eveyrthing gets dropped at once you have no time to be making crazy unhinged theories or keysmash posts watching everything happen at the same time as everyone else

[cockbiteproductions]

just another person Going Through It with hashtag ryangate lol f

i was going through jeremy’s twitter likes because someone said he liked friend of mine’s tweet about feeling bad for fiona in this situation and i wanted to see it myself. and then i scrolled down and in the older likes was a tweet from ryan qrting the rt account from like october 1st and he had attached a video of him. and the date just struck me as so fucking recent. this was less than a week ago. less than a week ago everything was fine and he was acting like he hadn’t done any of this shit and business was carrying on as normal. and i just viscerally had to close the tab and get up and go outside on a walk.

and i just hate this i hate how deeply ryan was embedded in rt and ah and how many years of memories are tainted now. just a few hours ago i was like oh well maybe ill go watch [an ah video] to make myself feel better but then i remembered i can’t. like even if he wasn’t in it i couldn’t, it all just feels dirty now. i don’t want to in a year from now open up an old ah video and then immediately have to close it because ryan was in it. like going back to old old ah videos and seeing ray in it is a pleasant surprise but seeing ryan would just be. like almost every time i type his name i have to pause and physically shudder. it just fucking sucks. i hate that years of positive memories are now fucked up because of him. god how hard is it to not cheat on your wife with fans.

and i keep going back and forth on being able to laugh about this. like joking to lighten with the fuckery of it all and being glad that he has been exposed for the creepy and cheating fucker he is. like i keep remembering this one tweet i saw that was like “lol rip to everyone who bought a ryan body pillow” and it’s fucking hilarious and i laugh every time i think about it. but then 2 seconds later i remember those people legitimately looked up to him and found him to be a source of comfort. and how fucked up i would be if My Favorites were exposed for something like this and then it just isn’t funny anymore. and it wasn’t like i didn’t like ryan like he was a solid member in the ah cast and i very much liked him in videos and i already feel like shit because of this. so ill see people making jokes about this and laugh momentarily and then think to myself ok stop being fucking rude this isn’t funny stop making jokes about this. even though i was laughing myself a second ago.

but also i feel like just the tiniest smidgen of sympathy for him in having his nudes leaked like. fuck. if that happened to me i would be mortified. and people are making jokes about it and how he looks and it just doesn’t sit right with me like i know he did a terrible thing but god those were still personal and he didn’t deserve nudes of him leaked. like i guess some people could argue it’s retribution for what he did but i’ve never been one for revenge except in the most extreme cases and i know this is bad it’s so bad i understand what he did was terrible i even answered an ask explaining why but this isn’t one of those Most Extreme cases im willing to say that he deserves this.

and also in the comments of that ryan situation video from tessa i kept seeing things that were like “i have no sympathy for you. you knew what you were doing. you knew he had a wife and kids.” and. i understand what kind of point you are trying to make here but truly i don’t think they understand the power parasocial relationships can hold over people. they are your favorite person. you would do practically anything to feel close to them. and especially at that young age. like not to discount the critical thinking skills of a seventeen year old because i mean i was seventeen once and i had a brain but with the idol worship/stan culture and not fully developed brain you cannot possibly think that what she did was entirely of her own. i dont know the word im going for here. i guess of her own volition. that’s not very right but i can’t think of another word right now. like to a small small degree she is culpable for what she did there but not NEARLY anywhere in the ballpark of what ryan did. ryan, in his 30s at the time, married with children, should have absolutely known better and not been recipient &| solicit sex from his fans. they’re just nowhere near the same ballpark of blame in this.

and as for ryan’s tweet like. “i made mistakes.” yeah bro you sure fucking did. mistakes is the weakest word for it i can think of. god again just how fucking hard is it to not cheat on your wife. but the “please stop harassing and threatening my family” like holy shit i am livid that people are doing this. they are the victims of this and people are going after them????? what is wrong with people. everything about this is disgusting.

since i guess i’m just ranting about everything about this right now also in relation to ah’s tweet on monday about cancelling the stream, the quote rts were so fucking wild. like you had people defending ryan and saying that even if the rumors were true, they would continue to stand by him. and then on the other hand people were calling ah cowards for having replies turned off and saying it was classic rt, avoiding the problem. like the news broke literally that previous night. an account is posting actual pornographic material in the replies of tweets about ryan. in what fucking world would they have replies to that tweet on. no way should a social media manager have to deal with that. and it’s been less than a fucking day you can’t say they’re fucking avoiding the problem when you haven’t given them time to actually come up with anything. i’m surprised ryan “resigned” as soon as he did. all of you have 0 fucking brain cells and no sense of nuance and i fucking hate it here.

oh and i keep thinking about how he was the voice for a villain this season of rvb and now i wonder if they’re going to get someone to redo the voice.

also i guess if you continue to post ryan content ill probably unfollow you like i get having a comfort person/character i really do and i get that the vagabond or whatever is almost an entirely separate concept from ryan at this point but i personally cannot handle seeing him on my dash anymore so nothing against you but i don’t want to see it.

[battle-scarred-raven]

Fanfic: Change Isn’t Easy (Part 3)

Title: Change Isn’t Easy

Part: 3

Fandom: Halo/RvB

Pairings: Past California/Carolina (mentioned), Past Yorkalina (mentioned), CarWash, California/Kesan (@k-dradom‘s Sangheili character)

Summary: Carolina, Wash and the Reds and Blues travel to Sanghelios. The Freelancers run into an old friend who has moved on with her life. Meanwhile, California nervously awaits seeing her friends again, knowing she didn’t part with them last in the best way and a lot has happened since…

As they say, change isn’t easy. Takes place after Season 15 of RvB. Probably going to end up canon divergent.

Warnings: Canon typical language in both English and Sangheili.

Notes: Translations for Sangheili throughout this fanfic are provided via hyperlink (hover over linked text to see the translation. Some phrases are not exact.)

It had been a while since the Freelancers had been in a city on a planet. The last had been Armonia, well over a year ago now, back on Chorus, and they had been forced to destroy that. As impressive as the Chorusan capital had been to Carolina, though, it paled in comparison to... what had Tucker called it?

Vadam, that was it.

The keep itself was built into a mountain, much of its structure and the surrounding city even running inside the mountain itself, and overlooked the entire territory surrounding it. Fal had mentioned in passing ever since the House of Vadam had officially claimed the site as their own, no other clan or military force had been able to seize it. Carolina was inclined to believe him, in all honesty. It certainly looked impenetrable. She wondered if Wash was thinking the same thing, before the walls of the mountain closed in on them as Fal led them yet further in.

Expecting a large cave, Carolina was stunned to find a sprawling and rather advanced metropolis far below them of ancient and modern structures, and a myriad of Sangheili just going about their daily lives. Somewhere far below them, she could hear the sound of a river. The sight was enough to make her pause and out of the corner of her green eyes, she could see Wash doing the same, too.

“Impressive, isn’t it?” Fal stopped beside them, also admiring the view. “Vadam is one of the younger city-states on Sanghelios, relatively speaking, yet it is among the most impressive.

Despite her unease about being around Sangheili, Carolina couldn’t help but agree. “It’s beautiful. I’m not sure what I was expecting, but it wasn’t this.”

“Hmm.” Fal hummed, before gesturing for the two Freelancers to follow. “It isn’t much farther.”

As he stepped out onto one of the natural stone bridges that lined the cavern with its very lethal looking drop on either side of it, Carolina cringed and turned to Wash. Judging by how stiff the other soldier was standing, she guessed he was about as horrified as she was at the narrow rocky path.

“Come!” Fal called a little ways ahead of them, “It is perfectly safe. There are barriers installed to stop a fall. Observe...” and to demonstrate, he threw a small rock towards the ravine floor, only for it to bounce off some kind of blue forcefield back into his hand.

“Yeeeah, maybe after you, Carolina?” Wash told her after watching the demonstration, still not entirely convinced.

“Oh, don’t be such a baby.” She admonished him.

He snorted at her in return. “Like you weren’t afraid either.”

“Just... shut up and start walking, Wash.”

Despite everything, they both ended up catching up with the old Sangheili warrior at the same time. They were taking across to a large platform built into the inner cliff of the mountain, where a large temple like structure had been hewn directly from the rock. It looked at least a thousand years old, judging by the heavy weathering and more recent looking battle damage.

“Was Vadam attacked recently?” Wash couldn’t help but ask in spite of himself.

“Yes.” Fal’s voice was solemn. “The Blooding Years, the Sangheili Civil War. The Neru ‘Pe Odosima – the Servants of the Abiding Truth in your language – struck out at Vadam lands. Vadam Keep was heavily damaged during this time, including the temple to our old gods here. The last such Temple in Vadam. I think Kaidon ‘Vadam keeps it as a reminder of what our species was once reduced to – great, yet foolish warriors blinded by lies and faith and willing to die for what turned to be a pointless, non-existent cause. There was no honour in what we did, what some still continue to pursue, and there never will be.”

“Is that why the Sangheili are fighting one another?” Carolina asked, her voice a whisper.

“Indeed. Or... rather, one of many reasons, I suppose.” The old Sangheili nodded, his expression a little grave. “It is true; some of us are still blinded by our faith. Others feel that Kaidon ‘Vadam is false, that he should have died as the Gods and his position of Arbiter decreed in the name of the Great Journey. Others still find it unacceptable to ally with your kind, saying humans are too dangerous or that the Sangheili are strong enough to stand alone and being allies with humanity only weakens us. This is why we need people like Lavernius, his son and T’las. To help keep the peace. To prove that we need each other. Those short-sighted fools that, whatever their reasoning, conspire against the notion of peace would doom us all without second thought.”

“Speaking of... why does T’las want to see us, specifically?” Wash piped up after Fal had finished talking. “Does she... think we can help her out, or something? Because Tucker would be better at that, in all honesty-”

He was cut off by Fal laughing suddenly.

“Do not presume I know the Swordmaster’s mind, Eenngahnehenn.” He interrupted in an amused tone, like the idea was absurd and, truth be told, it probably was. “T’las’ business with you is not mine to know unless she wishes to share it with me. Wort. She awaits you inside.”

Under her helmet, Carolina raised an eyebrow. “And what about you?”

“I will await your return out here.”

The cyan Freelancer once more looked at Wash, then to the darkened entrance of the temple, then back to her fellow Freelancer, who gave her a shrug. What did they have to lose? Taking a breath, she walked inside, Wash following shortly thereafter.

Inside, the temple betrayed its true size, and it was massive. Littered around its derelict hall were ancient alien artifacts, some obviously Sangheili, but most reminded Carolina of the relics on Chorus. She wondered if perhaps they, too, belonged to Santa’s long-dead, mortal masters. Similarly, Wash was in awe beside her, looking around him, and for the second time that day, both Freelancers were stunned for a moment.

After a while, they proceeded further inside the main hall of the temple, past many statues of Sangheili, before coming to an open space dominated by a giant statue of a being that looked like a human, except it had six digits per hand, was wearing highly advanced looking armour and its facial structure was somewhat different, sporting no visible ears, more fur like hair and two slits for a nose. At the base of the vast statue, obscured by shadows, was an armoured and cloaked humanoid figure waiting for them, back facing towards them.

Was this her? Both Freelancers looked at each other once again, confused. Both had been expecting another Sangheili, not... a human?

“No, you aren’t hallucinating.” The figure addressed them in a familiar voice, turning to face them as she answered the question they were both dying to ask. Her dark steel and blood red armour, the Helioskrill variant, made her look remarkably like a Sangheili, to the point where the boots were split in two in mimicry of Sangheili toes. Even the helmet was remarkably similar to Fal’s, except with a golden, polarised visor.

“T’las?” Carolina frowned deeply under her helmet.

The other soldier waved a dismissive hand. “Please. That’s just what the Sangheili call me because most have difficulty pronouncing my actual name. That, or out of respect for Thel inviting me to his clan. Or both. You, however, know me better than that.”

The figure wasn’t wrong. Carolina did know her better than that, or at least she thought she had. Memories unbidden came rushing to the surface, causing the cyan Freelancer to clench her fists in anger.

“California?” She forced out, struggling to keep the anger from her voice. “What the hell are you doing here?”

“Keeping the peace.” The new Freelancer answered her calmly. Then as if sensing Carolina’s underlying rage, she turned her head to Wash. “Hey Wash, sorry for you to be dragged up here, but we can catch up later, alright?”

The steel and yellow Freelancer looked between the two women, but it didn’t take long for him to understand. “Yeah. I’ll be outside with Fal, then. It’s good to see you again, Cali.”

“Likewise.”

Silence followed as Washington turned to leave. Only after she was sure he was gone completely, did California remove her helmet with a hiss of air that reverberated from the temple walls, revealing her battle-scarred and tattooed face as if Carolina needed any more confirmation it truly was her. Her expression was remorseful, guilt dancing in her only working eye.

“Carolina...” She began after another silence.

“Don’t you dare ‘Carolina’ me!” The barely suppressed fury from before suddenly burst free. “You-you let me believe I had a future again! That there was more to life than fighting wars! And then you just... you just left, without so much as a goodbye! No looking back, no message left, nothing!”

Didn’t you do something similar, from what I heard? California wanted to say, but suppressed the urge, knowing it would only make thing worse. Instead, she apologised, “I’m sorry, Carolina.”

“Sorry? Sorry?! You left me hanging for months!” Carolina gestured angrily at her. “Not to mention, right after Epsilon as well! Right when I needed you most! And all you have to say is, sorry?! Why, damn it?! If you had wanted to run off and play diplomat so badly, why couldn’t you just say so?!”

California waited until her resentful echoes died down before quietly uttering her softly spoken sentence. “I... I wasn’t sure I was ready.”

It was enough to deflate Carolina for a good minute, mouth agape as her next accusation died on her tongue. “I... I’m-what?”

“I wasn’t ready.” California repeated, a sigh escaping her lips and her whole body slumped a little like the action physically deflated her, not unlike a puncture in a Warthog tyre. “Or, at least I didn’t think I was at the time. I wasn’t sure I was ready to commit to you, to us, because of my past. So I ran away and left you, like I left Wash when the Project came crashing down and I didn’t know what to do. I guess some things don’t change, huh?”

Carolina remained silent, trying to process what California was saying to her. She left because she was... afraid? It contrasted starkly with the image of her fellow Freelancer that she was used to seeing, but then even she herself had fears, she supposed, even when putting on a front.

“I should have left some sort of message though.” California continued, heedless of whether Carolina wanted to interject or not. “I’m sorry for that. It’s ironic, my reasons for leaving, considering what’s happened since, but it’s not an excuse. I should have explained myself, not left you hanging blindly in the dark like that. You deserve so much better than me, especially after the shit you’ve been through.”

Not just me, the cyan armoured Freelancer almost stated in newfound sympathy, until her processing mind caught up with the rest of her and realised just what the other woman had said, which left her somewhat confused. “Wait, what do you mean? Why is it ironic?”

No sooner had she posed the question, the answer presented itself when footsteps echoed from even further inside the temple, eventually revealing their owner to be a huge Sangheili that dwarfed California by a good head and shoulders amount.

“I heard shouting. Is everything alright, Dallas?”

Even as the Sangheili spoke, Carolina had already whipped her Battle Rifle out on anger filled instinct. Her next few sentences rolled out almost all as one. “What the hell?! I thought this was a private conversation! Who the hell is he?! Has been here the whole time?! How the hell does he know your actual name?!”

California was quick to shift, getting between the pair of them. “Carolina, calm down! It’s alright. Just... lower your rifle. You’re going to frighten Thaea.”

The cyan soldier’s grip on her rifle loosened and her head cocked slightly, obviously puzzled until she saw the small bundle in the Sangheili’s arms. She uneasily lowered her weapon, a question on her lips, but not one she got to ask out loud.

“This is my husband, Kesan, and our daughter, Thaea.” The other woman introduced her, and Carolina went entirely numb, heart shattering as the implications of California’s prior statement were fully realised.

“You...-Your husband? And... daughter?” Carolina eventually stammered out as she struggled to think. “As... as in... you... you’re married? You... you adopted a kid?”

“Had, actually.” California rubbed the back of her head uneasily, tousling her black hair a little. “But... yeah. Took a few goes, but-”

In the space of a second, there was a whirring sound followed by a sickening crunching sound as Carolina utilised her Speed Unit to rocket a punch straight into California’s jaw, both cutting off the other woman and sending her to the floor from the impact and pain. Kesan moved to shield his wife from further harm, but with a kid in his arms, there was little else he could do to help, and before he could stop her, Carolina was already leaving the temple without so much as a glance back to see the consequences of her actions. Not long after that, the steel and yellow form of Wash came running in to see what the commotion was about.

“What the heck, I leave you two for five minutes and then Carolina comes storming out and-oh, shit.” He stopped himself short, both physically and in a speaking sense, before running over to kneel by California’s side. “What the hell did you say to her? Did she punch you?”

“Yes, she did.” It was Kesan who answered him in place of California, who was too busy clutching her jaw in pain. It was enough to send Wash reeling back in surprise. “It is alright, Washington. I mean no harm.”

“No offense, but the last time I saw a Sangheili before today, they insulted me, and the time before that, they nearly killed my whole platoon.” Wash offered as way of explanation, barely relaxing. “So you’ll forgive me if you and your people put me on edge.”

“Understandable.” The Sangheili’s green eyes held deep sympathy in them as he looked first at the Freelancer, before shifting his gaze to Thaea and cooing her, keeping her calm despite his own alarm. “Do you have any biofoam?”

“Only for personal use.” Wash’s frown was almost audible in his tone. “I have a Healing Unit in my armour that might help, but...”

“I’m fine.” California moved her hand from her jaw, revealing a sizeable bruise already forming, before spitting out a little blood, a few flecks of which landed on Washington’s armour. “I’ll be fine.”

“Carolina isn’t known for light jabs when she hits someone.” Wash shook his head. “You know when she punches you, she means to do damage. What if your jaw is broken?”

“He has a point, monerasha.” Kesan agreed, shifting a little uncomfortably. “You even told me as much before we traveled down here.”

“Listen, both of you, I’ll be fine. If my jaw was broken, then we wouldn’t be having this conversation.” California spoke between gritted teeth. “It’s just a bad bruise. Dias – Digamma - even said as much.”

Wash was silent for a moment, surprised California still even had her AI after all this time, but made no comment on the matter as he offered a hand to help her up. “Alright, but at least have someone have a look at it properly, just to be sure.”

She accepted his hand gratefully, allowed herself to be pulled up. “Yeah, yeah. It’s not like I didn’t deserve it though.”

“Do I want to know?” Wash asked, then changed his mind. “Actually, probably not. Do you want me to go talk to her?”

“I doubt it’ll do much good, but knock yourself out.” There was a beat, before California added, “Pun not intended, by the way.”

“Good, because that would be a terrible joke to make right after you just got punched by Carolina.”

With that, Wash left, leaving California alone with their husband and their daughter, who was now fussing a little in Kesan’s arms. He offered her one of his long, slender fingers to play with as way of distraction, before he spoke.

“You didn’t deserve that.” He rumbled at his wife, brows furrowing.

“Oh, believe me when I say I did.” California answered, before whirling around to face her Sangheili husband. “Fruqo’t cha, Kesan, I left her without so much as a word! Right when she was hurting the most! What kind of person does that to someone they care about?”

There was a long silence as Kesan regarded California carefully with his green eyes.

“You two were close.” He inferred, though whether it was a statement or a question, only he knew.

“I...” California realised her blunder then. Her relationship with Carolina wasn’t one she’d ever disclosed with her husband, not out of shame, but because she truly thought it would never come up and be an issue. Still, she felt somewhat guilty. “Shit, I’m sorry. I should have told you. I didn’t think...”

“What you did in your past isn’t any of my business unless you wish to tell me.” Kesan sighed quietly, and California got a vague sense of déjà vu. It was a conversation they’d had a few times before.

“Still, I should have told you this, at least. If I had, things might have gone differently. I could have come to you for advice, or something.” California echoed his sigh, shoulders slumped in defeat. “Now all I have is a giant headache, a severely bruised jaw and an ex-girlfriend who’ll probably never forgive me.”

“Even if you had told me, that still might be the case. No-one can predict the future.” Kesan shook his head. “Did you at least tell Carolina why you did what you did?”

California slumped even more. “I tried and... well, you saw the result of that.”

“Then perhaps you should give her time.” Her husband offered lightly. “At any rate, we should head back to where we are staying in the main keep. Thaea is fussing, so she is likely either tired or hungry again. Perhaps both. And you need to see a medic about your jaw, still.”

“Yeah, alright. Probably for the best.” California slid her helmet back on, clicking the seals into place, before walking with her husband out of the temple and back to the main keep.