#synthazapine

[leadendeath]

sometimes i get so pissed off that i need to take meds and i get dangerously close to spiraling existentially over the whole having a brain that aint right and then the good part of the brain goes: "0_0 wait. this is spiraling." and then promptly takes them lol

also the part of my brain that goes "STOP TAKING THEM WE DONT NEED THEM" can accurately be compared to the "it's me or the ps5" gremlin man's voice. it's so cartoonish in there at times

[leadendeath]

ive been on my meds about 2months now and haven’t forgotten a single dose… rare me epic win

[leadendeath]

if theres a lot of typos its because the manic has dominated the "hasnt had the meds yet"

[leadendeath]

i havent been advised to do this, i wanna do it of my own accord, but... im gonna keep somewhat of a meds diary, and tumblrs a great place because I Will Lose a paper irl diary. and just not update it. visual background noise and all that.

so if you guys don't wanna see that, want me to tag it, please send me a quick ask!

don't wanna bore anyone or make you uncomfortable <3

eventually i'll be artposting more, when i have this under control i hope, so! we can all go on this positive journey together! <33

[leadendeath]

i learned WAY too late (this year or last? after i’d used 3 different ssris since about 2016?17? maybe even earlier but to no avail D: ) about the meds making heat intolerance. i’m reading up on it now because yeah im medicated and finally found one that works but omfg yknow that saying “can’t string two words together” when someone speaks disorganised? (like me lol) i cannot even string two THOUGHTS together the heat is making me so mad. like stoppppp

[leadendeath]

i’m glad it has A on it and not a worse letter….. if it was E i’d be forever thinking of

[leadendeath]

thinkin about being medicated and my work..

i still have intense trouble getting started.

(that post i recently rbed about "the world feeling like it's wrapped in a thin layer of cling wrap that i gotta break through every time i want to do an action" is so so accurate bless op of that post)

AND staying focused i have trouble.... but it is clearer in my mind what i need to do.

like example: i have a simple animation/animatic in mind, and i have the first three frames done already, and know i next need to gather some ref images to progress to the next part. another example: i have an art req to complete, i thought about how i wanted it to look for the first day, then the next day used heroforge like you would use a mannequin to make the pose i wanted, to help me draw it, and then i started drawing!!! i'm already on the colour stage, go me!!! and i'm actually having fun with it?!? not clickbait

so there's that. but i thiiink... i might overall- in the big picture of things- work a little better. or a lot better. idk. it's certainly improved, because two of the most monumentally difficult problems to deal with which i have (which are chemical) have been corrected. my chemical levels are at a normal person level now, so that reduces some of the terrible brain fog that depression gives, which hinders accomplishing anything. (i have brain fog also due to a chronic neurological illness but yeah it's reduced all of it by like 25% :])

it feels like i have uninstalled a lot of the bloatware that depression/ocd gives your brain! i've already described it as the brain feels cluttered with all the unwanted shit in there and how much time is taken up when you have to check and repeat things. and now there is more space for nice stuff and thinking clearly :)))

but i'm sad to say meds hasn't fixed everything :/ i knew it wouldn't, i mean it's not specifically intended to help executive dysfunction/dopamine levels, it's for better amounts of serotonin and noradrenaline. but yeah i know i still have dopamine levels to fix. but this has just cemented it in my mind that "hmm yeah buddy, u got more than just the two other chemicals out of whack ://"

when i have my 6-month check in to update the docs on how i'm doing, i'll definitely ask to be put on the adhd waiting list. 3 years wait last time i heard!!! yayyy!!! ᕕ( ᐛ )ᕗ /sarcasm

and that's for the free service. yes i get free healthcare in my country. no it isn't very good. yes i realise how lucky i am regardless. i don't think i've ever owned 4 digits in the bank in my life but the place i want to go to for private healthcare was if i remember correctly around 2,500 for the full assessment and follow ups. eh, we'll see what happens first, i move up the waiting list or somehow earn a few thousand. at least we don't have that barbaric "you can only have $2,999.99 in the bank at any time or you get no disability anymore" system like you guys have in the states, i think about that all the time and it's so upsetting :'( *sympathetic hug to u*

[leadendeath]

remember when

(=when meaning TEN FREAKIN DAYS AGO i just checked and. oh my god.)

i asked for one-word prompts of anything at all? i have in fact been working on them

(instead of not doing them and feeling overwhelming guilt)

and am finalizing them now!!

[leadendeath]

my meds are orodispersible (dissolve in ur mouth) so they come with flavouring. strawberry and mint, which are just fine together. but. guess who forgot the mint part then had a harsh reminder when it drank orange juice shortly afterward

[leadendeath]

positive ~

sleeping way better <33 they say you might get more nightmares but none for me yet. they’re infrequent for me anyway.

they also say you may get vivid dreams and that rules because as i’ve got older (and mentally iller) i’ve slept worse and sometimes don’t dream at all… that’s so sad :( all nights i’ve been using this medication i’ve had dreams!! i’ve thought about keeping a dream journal to help remember them for years but never got round to it. partly because they truly cannot be written down due to incomprehensibleness. one that i do remember from recently was i met the voice actor for my fav character from Latest Hyperfixation Show, who is a guy i generally like as a person too :))) we were on a beach and went exploring in a cave together it was so cool (he made a live action appearance in an episode where he was lost at sea so this is very fitting hehe (…you can probably guess what show it is now and might remember that, the whole show is 100% sea themed lol)) i love it when i have fun in the dream world

sadly nothing to report on how meds affecting me creatively, i am extremely busy with irl life things right now and have had 0 time to draw or even be online much! i do not feel stunted though. i’m still able to feel the high ends while the meds act as a shield, a barrier against the bad feelings. just as it should be. thank goodness i also don’t feel worse… i HAVE experienced that before when trying other different meds, and it’s a whole new circle of hell you never thought possible. (thanks pr°zac, you were the worst… -_-)

[leadendeath]

at first i thought "hey i wonder if meds would made me act funny (as in humorous) if i fought to stay awake whilst feeling the effects" (i don't get that "delirious" side effect with these, so no worries there btw) like when people take a little too much legal medicinal product like benadryl or ambien or i think melatonin, yknow those times when you get funny posts out of it and the OP has no recollection of making those funny posts/texts.

but then i remembered oh yeah, right, i've been putting off getting dental work done for years because the last thing i want to end up doing is, for example, accidentally reveal how much i want to **** ******** from ********* *********** while medically intoxicated for medical reasons

[leadendeath]

why are there such perfect already-existing memes to slap my specific experiences onto

(it's a meds diary post)

when i was doing meds research and reading peoples' anecdotes about it, they said "the sleepy effect is almost instant" and "you can't have intrusive thoughts/obsessive rumination when you're not awake!!!" and YEAH GODDAMN THEYRE SO RIGHT

the dosage specifically for sleep is 7.5mg and my tablets are 15mg, i was gonna just break em in half but thought frick it, let's do whole tablet. you get more antidepressant effect/Bad Thoughts suppression the higher the dose, but the lesser the sleepy effect. if that makes sense. if i ever got up to 45mg there'd be no sedative all antide but i don't wanna do that ever

when i took it at 9:45 it was hittin by 10. won't be doing that again lol i want SOME evening to myself!!! i couldnt keep me eyes open. and felt sooo heavy it was nice tho. not fatigue like im used to. i havent smonked wed in years but it reminded me of that a little. nice. pleasant.

thing is i stay up til like 1-2am usually, and this will Force me to develop better sleeping habits... maybe. i woke up at 10am because i have an alarm; that's like my cutoff point for sleeping in. i really want to be normal and wake up at like 8am or earlier someday. if i can control when i get tired, that would be nice. not being kept awake by my brain dragging me through hell would be even nicer.

no bad side effects so far \o/