#tell me im not the only one that died upon hearing sherlock just straight up choking him

[jay-wasreblogging]

Everyone: *laughing*

Sherlock:

[pog-with-a-blog]

I wrote this at 1 am after taking sleeping pills it’s great I’ma queue it for tomorrow idk if it’s worth reading but I, in my current mental state, consider it my magnum opus

I like honestl was led to believe that edgar allen poe was a good author but like. Damn. 

So I really like reading murder cases, like complicated ones, idk why. But I decided to see if I could do something slightly less creepy and I ended up on “the murders in the rue morgue” and like not to spoil a shitty disappointing mystery or anything but

Ok first off before the murder even happens he trys to pull a BBC sherlock. Like he met the fuckin guy at a book store and they were both trying to find a book that very few people had ever heard of. And then he saw him 2 more times and he was like “o shit damn I MUST get to know this guy”

and like honestly just take a quote that will explain everything else 

 “the force of his busy mind was like a bright light in my soul. I felt that the friendship of such a man would be for me riches without price. I therefore told him of my feelings toward him, and he agreed to come and live with me.”

no homo and then the guy watches him for 15 minutes while they walk in silence and then proceeds to tell him his entire thought sequence all because he knows him so well he says shit like “you looked at the stars so I looked at the stars and noticed orion was super bright so you must be thinking of orion and we read an article in the newspaper about an actor that quoted a book we both read about orion and I knew you would think of that actor and then you stood up straighter so I knew you were thinking of how short he was and he would do better in less serious plays”

“so then I was like ‘I agree, he is p short’ not to like impress you or anything just, like u know”

no homo tho. totally no homo. just 2 really good buddy pals

Ok done with that now the fuckin mystery. Two women sitting in a bedroom with only one bed, but multiple tables and chairs, reading some old papers and letters of no interest door locked from the inside but window wide open, fake locks on the windows but real hidden locks also

The mob heard an orangutan and not one person recognized it as an animal, they all thought it was a person speaking a language they didn’t know. 

Multiple people hear this orangutan in this room they were not in, but *noone* saw it running through the streets of paris or into the house

Not only that but there just happened to be someone who was a native speaker of french, english, spanish, and italian, all of whom heard the orangutan, just by chance. Also one of them, in france, did not even know enough french to tell the difference between an orangutan and a person speaking french, or recognize the phrase “mon dieu”

and also *neither* of the women hear the fuckin thing come in and stand there watching them (o btw it carried a knife all through paris and also while it climbed up a pole it still didn’t drop the knife) 

so then it, no motive, pure fear, cuts the woman’s head *almost* off, but not all the way off, and throws her out the window and she falls 4 stories, which still did not result in the full detachment of her head. Yet it fell off on it’s own when her body was picked up minutes later. 

then, again, pure fear, strangles a girl, like immediately upon seeing her goes straight to the “hands around neck til she dies which probably is not instantaneous idk??” but like. no motive just a scared stupid monkey. We know he’s stupid and acting with no intention because at one point he runs around the room aimlessly in fear, breaking all the furniture. But also he is patient enough to keep his hands around her neck til she dies

Now a note: If I were to find a bed ripped to pieces and covered in blood, I would probably not describe it as “there was one bed. everything has been taken from it and thrown into the middle of the floor”, I doubt  I would refer to it as a bed honestly considering it sounds like it was quite deconstructed??? 

Back to monkey. Not smart enough to kill with intention, but smart enough to attempt to know he did wrong and shove a body up a chimney and throw the other one out the window before fleeing

or maybe that’s just what monkeys do when they get scared. Shove dead bodies up chimneys and throw them out windows. 

oh and he closed the window behind him when he left how sweet

and then continued to roam the streets of paris without being found or committing more murders

and then mr. Gunna Fuck a Book  is totally getting off to Mr.  Book telling him that he posted an add in the paper saying they found an orangutan and the person who lost it should come get it and they know he’s a sailor btw

and he’s like “yeah I know it was an orangutan bc noone could tell what it was saying and I honestly don’t know he’s a sailor but sailors are strong enough to climb poles into the house like that and also they go to faraway places where orangutans can be acquired so like yeah it probably is might as well say that in the ad” and then  he’s like “shh I hear footsteps and right on cue mr. ex-orangutan-owner walks in in his sailor suit asking if they got his orangutan like im sorry do you see a giant ass monkey here bc i don’t

and then he tells them all abt how he and his male friend went into the forest, like no, i gotta quote this shit again

“But we went — a friend and I — we went into that forest — for pleasure.” 

no homo anyway we cought the monkey and brought it back and it caused ALOt of problems being all big and strong and stuff so I was like “why not bring it to paris haha what a great idea :)” 

and he keeps it in his apartment and I guess either it didn’t make noise or it did and all the neighbors just though he has like a new friend who didn’t speak a language they knew and yelled alot idk?