#thank me for restraining myself from reccing the n****philia fics

[stanfordsweater]

What fics make you viscerally upset 👀

i believe i've recced most of these before, but here's a list of fics that are absolutely amazing and just as heart-wrenching, bittersweet, or disturbing. a lot of them are in line with the more creepy things that happen in canon, just taken to a more emotionally devastating place than the show ever brings us. mind the tags, take care of yourself, don’t use any of these to harm yourself if any of them make you uncomfortable (in a way you aren’t looking to feel uncomfortable, in any case)

behold, a pale horse by cherie_morte, 19k+:

AU after 8x23: When Sam fails to complete the third trial, a tear in the barrier between Earth and Hell is created and hellspawn called shadon are unleashed. The only way to bind these creatures and close the gates of Hell is for a sacrifice to be made by the man who chose his own life over completing the trials, and this time, the price is even greater. In order to correct the apocalypse he's released, Sam must kill his soulmate and live with the consequences.

After years without Dean, Sam dies on a hunt and thinks he will finally be reunited with his brother in Heaven. But when his reaper appears, it's Dean himself, and he's not as willing to reap Sam as Sam is to be reaped.

i sobbed for days after i finished this fic and i woke up from nightmares about it for a few *months* after i read it. i truly think this is the worst possible ending for sam and dean, but it’s not necessarily unhappy-- it hits a lot of my worst fears, which is why it affects me so badly. i can’t say anything else without spoiling it, but i truly think this is one of the best fics in this fandom. devastating. (would love to talk about this after you read it!!!! it drives me crazy!!!!!!!! but seriously, go in without spoiling yourself, you’ll thank me later. through tears.)

a list of typos made by god by cherie_morte, 44k+:

The summer before Sam leaves for Stanford, Dean begins to forget his relationship with Sam. Every morning he remembers less, and Sam is just waiting for the day Dean forgets him completely.

iirc this one isn’t as emotionally devastating as the last one, because it’s partially dealing with sam coming of age. it’s a really interesting look at who a teenage sam could be in a world where dean doesn’t remember the things they’ve done together, doesn’t remember their relationship. what do you do when the only person who really knows you begins to forget about you? it’s very well-written and a unique perspective on their dynamic.

fly by askance, 5k:

Sam wakes up in an unfamiliar room with Dean and finds that he can't remember anything past the moment when those angels began to fall from Heaven. He has a sneaking suspicion that something is not quite right.

a what-if variation on how dean could have saved sam at the end of season eight if the angels hadn’t been an option. this is a real horror fic, so be VERY CAREFUL of the tags!! this is such a delicious character piece. ahhh, i don’t want to spoil it for anybody, but askance does a great job bringing sam’s creeping horror to life. just read it, if you’re okay with insects-- it’s that good. (and i love the double meaning in the title, haha)

the hollow summer by deadlybride, 17k+:

Sam rescued Dean from hell, but when it was over only Dean came back to earth. Every summer they steal a few months together, but Sam can never stay. Dean's figuring out how to live with that.

hnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn ;~; holy shit, i don’t even know what to say-- just read this!! it’s uniquely miserable, yet there’s a strange kind of hopefulness underneath that keeps me from wanting to throw myself off a building like the first fic on this list did. (cherie_morte, if you ever see this, this is a positive review, i swear, jgfjgf) i LOVE any fic that confronts the way that sam and dean are always paying the price for whatever slice of happiness they carve out. they’re cursed. this fic is a gut-punch, and in that way it’s the most interesting version of the sam-saves-dean-from-hell trope. i loved the way different mythologies are woven in-- there’s the persephone parallels from the prompt, but there’s also some orpheus parallels later on, and it’s written in the way that liz always writes like she’s dipping cloth into dye full of atmosphere and emotions and posting the result. we’re so deep into dean’s headspace that it’s a shock when we find out what happened, so long ago, to bring them here, and there’s no way around feeling the same things that dean does, with how rich the descriptions are. 

all the long years by nigeltde, 900+:

Nothing changes

unrequited love makes me want to cry. when it’s between sam and dean, that multiples itself tenfold. this is a beautiful ficlet that makes my heart turn over and ache whenever i return to it.

willing by interstitial, 13k+:

After expelling Gadreel, Sam kills himself to close the Gates of Hell. Dean copes poorly alone, and then they cope poorly together.

this one has what i’d consider a happy ending, but it fits here because it has a very sad premise. ...also i’ll plug it anywhere i can because it’s in my top five fics for this fandom. i looooove this fic, i’ve read it five times (and after posting this i’m going for a sixth!!!) i think the characterization of sam and dean is really compelling and it has a great take on hell politics and the shifting landscape with different rulers. love dean’s trauma-related mutism and the echo of sam post-season four running himself ragged to get dean back juxtaposed with dean, in this fic, doing his best to get sam back or die trying. if you love the codependency you’ll love this.

at least he died human by pinbitch, 2k+:

Dean doesn’t believe for a second that the detox can really kill Sam. That’s not the only thing Dean’s wrong about.

i’ll admit i don’t usually enjoy the dean-accidentally-kills-sam fics out there, but the fact that this one is written from dean’s pov made it interesting. i like the bits of what-if horror here, like the idea that they easily could have burned sam alive without realizing he had been resurrected by lucifer, and i loved this line from castiel’s section:  The only power he’s been able to muster is just enough to preserve Sam’s body, and he’s starting to think that was a mistake. Maybe if his brother started to smell Dean would be more inclined to burn his remains. i also loved the way that cas isn’t able to identify dean’s very obvious intention to commit suicide as soon as he’s put sam to rest. because i love pain and suffereing i’d be even happier with this fic if they accidentally killed sam again without realizing he had come back to life but that’s a fic i need to write myself i guess

thinking of you by deadlybride, 1k+:

February 17, 2010. Sam struggles with his addiction.

and for a different take on sam’s detox, this is a spectacular “missing scene” from the episode where dean comes to check on sam. cw for addiction, because it felt like a very accurate take on the come down/detox. phew. loved the language around vessels, the repetitive theme of sam being unable to be filled up, and the way that the abruptness every few paragraphs feels like sam suddenly comes to awareness after blacking out. 

like it was yesterday by nomelon, 4k+:

Sam can't remember a time when Dean wasn't there. Dean is always with him. Sam's whole life, there's never been anyone else.

there’s literally nothing i can say about this one without spoiling it, but god damn. the best summary for this fic is that Something Terrible Has Happened and you just need to read it, because the slow creeping realization of exactly what has happened is an experience.