#that art trade i did a while back?? gonna actually trade the arts irl today

[willczek-art]

TFTBL Rhysie sticker! or a button! or just a doodle!!

[rusa-moved]

5, 9, 18, 29, & 44 (

5-Coke or Pepsi

Coke.  Pepsi is too sweet for me idk

9-What’s your dream job?

Artist/Comic artist.  :D I’ve already had a few commissions so I’m on my way!!

18-Obsession?

Art supplies.  It’s a problem.  There’s this store in the Chicago area called Blick’s.  It’s…I can’t leave there without buying SOMETHING.  Currently Mob Psycho 100 as far as fandom lol

29-Worst mistake?

Ah.  This question gave me something to think about.  I know what I consider my worst mistake but I was more…hesitant on how honest I wanted to be.  But fair’s fair.  So it’s gonna be a long one.  But essentially…I’m a shitty friend.

Uh…warning for those who need it: Suicide, suicide attempts, death, alcohol, abuse, eating disorder, self harm

I’m going to give some context.  Not…as an excuse.  Maybe as an excuse.  Or maybe just to….I don’t know.  I actually…haven’t ever told anybody this in full.

My mother was an alcoholic.  I say was because she’s dead now.  Alcohol got her in the end and honestly?  I don’t miss her.  I’m still angry.  

I’m the oldest out of 5 kids, two of which are autistic.  One is higher functioning, the other is not.  One of them is schizophrenic, as well.  The youngest of us is 12 years younger than me.  Regardless, routine was very important.  So it fell on me.  Bathing them, feeding them, dispensing medications, helping with homework and getting them ready in the morning for school.  My dad is a workaholic.  He was largely absent.  He would leave before we woke up and come home after we went to bed.  We only saw him on the weekends.  So, beyond financial support, I was the only parent.  And it kinda fucked me up.

Sometimes my dad would ‘work’ from home.  After her death we found out it was only when she threatened to kill herself as a plea for attention.

I never wanted my siblings to have to deal with this so I took the brunt willingly. I would usher them upstairs when she got bad.  I’d host ‘movie nights’ in the basement until she passed out and it was safe for them to go upstairs.

Through all of this art and writing became my one ‘healthy’ outlet.  I ended up being invited to a TMNT roleplay back on Gaia Online.  And I made two really awesome friends.  They were really understanding and eventually we traded IM messages, then phone numbers.  They let me vent to them and they…cared.  Which was really big when my irl friends never asked why I…was the way I was.

I wasn’t in school at this time(just graduated high school), didn’t have a job, no car or license.  So my entire day revolved around dealing with my mother, taking care of my siblings and drawing/writing.  And talking to them.

After a while…things got bad.  I stopped eating, I was sleeping 12 hours a day, I had…picked up some bad habits just to cope (some I am still struggling with).  Broken glass.  She had broken a lightbulb and didn’t tell me till I stepped on soe shards.  I kept a few of the pieces.  Just in case.  We lived by a forest, too.  Had some rope in the garage.  This way I didn’t have to worry about my siblings finding me.  I didn’t want them to go through that.  I couldn’t even stand up for more than 10 mins.  It was…. it was really bad.

I started taking it out on my friends.  They kept me afloat.  Kept me from drowning.  And I was manipulative.  I was really really manipulative.  I needed them but I…used them?  I’m not sure how to word it.  But… I turned into my mother in those moments.

I was terrible.  I was god awful and I will legitimately never forgive myself.  Nobody should have to go through that.  I would not wish that on any one.  And I, of all people, should have known better.  It was the same shit I was going through but I turned it around and lashed out.

Eventually they had enough.  They cut ties, stopped responding.  And I am so proud of them.  They took care of themselves.  They did what was needed for them.  I’m just…so so proud of them.  And so thankful they did that.  I was absolute shit and they removed that.  They didn’t need that shit in their lives and they took care of it.

It’s been years.  And I want to apologize.  I want to say I’m sorry.  No excuses, no explanations.  Just “I’m so sorry and I’m so proud of you”.  I’ve written emails in the past but never sent them.  I’m honestly…scared that it would hurt them again.  I don’t want to bring up painful memories or hurt them again.  And it’s been years.  Even if I tried now I probably couldn’t find them.

I really hurt two people who were trying to help me.  They cared for me and loved me.  That is my worst mistake.  One I can never take back or make amends.  It is my biggest regret.

well.  There you have it.  My worst mistake.  One that I am constantly trying to fix.  I want to be a good person and I never want to hurt anybody ever again.  I never want to be like her, I never want to make anybody hurt like that ever again.  Nothing I went through excuses what I did.  They say ‘everybody makes mistakes’ but…this is mine.  This is what I did and I will always own up to that.  I will never deny what I did, no matter what light it puts me in.

I rarely get people asking me for those ask memes so I usually don’t read them through lol.

Oh.  Uh…I’ll post #44 later today, lol.  I’m gonna...just take a break from tumblr till tonight lol.

[makesureee]

1-150 plz ty~~

omg holy shit that’s a lot and i’m on adderall this will be fun omg yay

1. Who was the last person you held hands with?some bitch ass bitch who’s dead to me

2. Are you outgoing or shy?DEFINITELY shy

3. Who are you looking forward to seeing?any three of my friends, whenever they happen to hit me up, my dog, and my fUTURE GIRLFRIEND WHERE ARE YOU

4. Are you easy to get along with?it depends how well you know me i suppose but i am generally kind, or at least i try to be

5. If you were drunk would the person you like take care of you?i do not like anyone so i just get drunk by myself

6. What kind of people are you attracted to?i reallyyyyy love masculine looking girls (could be short hair, shaved hair, tats, piercings, just an all around “gay” look, which is kinda funny for a straight guy XD) but i ALSO LOVE feminine girls fat girls skinny girls just…..GIRLSbut as far as finding people attractive even tho i’m straight boys can be hecka cute too and i typically find myself finding the more feminine looking bois cuteand as for anyone nonbinary or genderqueer it’s pretty much the same

7. Do you think you’ll be in a relationship two months from now?no but boy i sure hope so

8. Who from the opposite gender is on your mind?fuck heteronormativity but uh no one really. i don’t like anyone. if you mean literally in general then i’m waiting for my friend to hit me up so we can smoke XD

9. Does talking about sex make you uncomfortable?yeah but not for reasons you’d think

10. Who was the last person you had a deep conversation with?no fuckin idea

11. What does the most recent text that you sent say?“well i also gotta head back to my house so you’re good” cause my friend needed some time to get weed and food before i head over

12. What are your 5 favorite songs right now?Sad Clown - Kate MicucciPick a suburb, find a culdesac - Amy Bruce Spaceshowstraight kids playing dress up - the official suckersGot High and Still Got No Friends - Shelf LifeOld Maid Cards - Kate Micucci

13. Do you like it when people play with your hair?only if it’s someone i’m really really really comfortable with

14. Do you believe in luck and miracles?nope. i believe in coincidence and probability

15. What good thing happened this summer?nothing honestly

16. Would you kiss the last person you kissed again?fUCK to the NO

17. Do you think there is life on other planets?um…definitely?? without a doubt??? we’re so small we’re so small we could just instantaneously die any second bruh we’re dust in the breeze this question gave me another existential crisis i want a refund

18. Do you still talk to your first crush?lol no

19. Do you like bubble baths?i used to but now it’s just like……im hot and sweaty and can’t breathe why is the air so wet……

20. Do you like your neighbors?i don’t know my neighbors but i like them because their christmas lights are aesthetic and ONE OF MY NEIGHBORS just has like 20 FUCKIN DUCKS chilling in their front yard. they’re like 3 houses down across the street but if i leave my window open sometimes i can hear them having a good time

21. What are you bad habits?drug dependency/addictive tendencies

22. Where would you like to travel?i wanna go back to italy. spain would be nice. idk. like……the earth has so many places…..

23. Do you have trust issues?nah i’m very forgiving and it sucks

24. Favorite part of your daily routine?drugs!

25. What part of your body are you most uncomfortable with?how in the world do i pick

26. What do you do when you wake up?roll a blunt…and smoke it

27. Do you wish your skin was lighter or darker?that question is complicated. i’m white, so ideally (in this corrupt awful world), it’s the most advantageous so i wouldn’t change as to have better opportunities and less judgement. however, hOLY SHIT ALL THE COLORS OF THE PEOPLE ARE SO COOL AND BEING WHITE LOOKS SO BOORRINGG so if we lived in a hypothetical world where every ethnicity was held at an equal standard yes a darker skin color would be cool

28. Who are you most comfortable around?nobody really. i’m not emotionally close to anyone right now

29. Have any of your ex’s told you they regret breaking up?no but one relationship i ended and the other party did not want it to end

30. Do you ever want to get married?marriage doesn’t really matter to me. just a certificate. if it can help with taxes and whatever, sure, as long as i can remain the important parts of my independence. but imo i don’t even think that marriage should give people tax benefits but you take what good things the fucked up world gives ya

31. Is your hair long enough for a pony tail? LOL YES BUT I’D LOOK RIDICULOUS

32. Which celebrities would you have a threesome with?michonne from the walking dead is super attractive and i can’t really think of anyone else but i probably would not have a threesome with celebrities that’s too much pressure

33. Spell your name with your chin.samkel (THAT WAS CLOSE)

34. Do you play sports? What sports?ew

35. Would you rather live without TV or music?TV but like does netflix count

36. Have you ever liked someone and never told them?not really i have this ability to not like people unless i’m almost certain they like me and terminate all feelings for a person if rejected. i mean like, i liked someone in high school once and dropped hardcore hints but never outright said it so killed my feelings and they actually told me recently that they used to have a crush on me too XDD funny ass shit

37. What do you say during awkward silences?“i’m gonna play some music”

38. Describe your dream girl/guy?cute funny stoner who loves and accepts me for who i am and supports me and helps me grow and does pills with me and loves all my new favorite music i show her and WITH LIKE A ONE IN BILLION CHANCE i’d like her to be shorter than me cause i’m really short and that’s really killer on my self esteem….but like….if we were both super short imagine how cute that’d be…..we’d be like ruby and sapphire….we’d get made fun of and be the smol couple but we would be smol together

39. What are your favorite stores to shop in?my local headshops lolol

40. What do you want to do after high school?i’m already after high school but ultimately i want to be a glassblower and make bongs and shit

41. Do you believe everyone deserves a second chance?i don’t believe in blanket statements (lol that in itself is a blanket statement)

42. If your being extremely quiet what does it mean?i’m awkward or anxious and don’t know what to say because i don’t know how to be a person

43. Do you smile at strangers?sometimes

44. Trip to outer space or bottom of the ocean?NEITHER IF I AM NOT GUARANTEED TO SURVIVE but space even though i would still have massive panic attacks with that guarantee like i can’t even be on a road i don’t know by myself without having an anxiety attack

45. What makes you get out of bed in the morning?the hope that one day i’ll have something that makes me feel less empty

46. What are you paranoid about?holy shit EVERYTHING everyone hates me and i’m a disappointment to my parents and i’m super unattractive and everyone that sees me judges me and like these are straight up facts yo

47. Have you ever been high?i’m high right now

48. Have you ever been drunk?i’m drunk right now. just kidding on that one. i kinda used to be an alcoholic but i traded it in for pot lol. best decision ever. worst financial decision ever tho

49. Have you done anything recently that you hope nobody finds out about?i put 12 shucks of corn up my asshole

50. What was the colour of the last hoodie you wore?black. almost everything i wear is black when will i not act like im in high school

51. Ever wished you were someone else?only always

52. One thing you wish you could change about yourself?confidential

53. Favourite makeup brand?none i ent wear makeup

54. Favourite store?i’m not a shopping person so i’d again have to go with my local headshop

55. Favourite blog?i cannot choose

56. Favourite colour?black

57. Favourite food?also cannot choose

58. Last thing you ate?i have no idea i haven’t eaten today

59. First thing you ate this morning?i have no idea i literally have not eaten today

60. Ever won a competition? For what?you bitches better wATCH oUT cause this guy got SECOND PLACE in his THIRD GRADE SCIENCE FAIR for a poster board about EVAPORATIONand eh i think i won an art show award or two in high school

61. Been suspended/expelled? For what?no i never even skipped class in high school cause with attendance you get exemption rights from exams~ now that i’m in college i skip occasionally tho lol

62. Been arrested? For what?dear god no i’d have a panic attack so hard i think the cop would feel bad for me

63. Ever been in love?yep

64. Tell us the story of your first kiss?ugh ew ok so like i was bi at the time and so was he (but i wasn’t into this guy at all) but so anyway it’s after school and we’re behind it with our friends and we start walking away and he pulls me aside and the friends keep walking and his face kept getting closer to mine and in my head i’m just like dude…..why you….getting closer….that’s close….what…..oh….okay. that’s. lips. okay. it was like a gross quick kiss and then like when we talked about it and i rejected him hE WENT AND TOLD ALL HIS FRIENDS THAT HE REJECTED ME. luckily a friend i used to have and/or fuck jumped in while i wasn’t present and defended me cause that’s some straight bullshit.

65. Are you hungry right now?nah i’m on adderall

66. Do you like your tumblr friends more than your real friends?eh nah only because it’s harder to form a bond. not that i have strong bonds with my irl friends but we communicate more and smoke together

67. Facebook or Twitter?neither

68. Twitter or Tumblr?tumblr

69. Are you watching tv right now?no

70. Names of your bestfriends?lexi is me only best friend but even we aren’t suuuper close anymore

71. Craving something? What?fulfillment and happiness and a girlfriend

72. What colour are your towels?green

72. How many pillows do you sleep with?bruh…….9 ok but 2 are for my dog when she isn’t sleeping next to me on my pillows

73. Do you sleep with stuffed animals?nah but i use my dog as a cuddle buddy. if she doesn’t wanna cuddle we just hold hands

74. How many stuffed animals do you think you have?i probably have a good bit lying around my room. idk maybe like 5-8 somewhere in a drawer or whatever

75. Favourite animal?cliche as fuck but like….dogs i love dogs i love themi illove them so much i lvoe dogs

76. What colour is your underwear?currently grey with black stripes lol

77. Chocolate or Vanilla?vanilla for sure

78. Favourite ice cream flavour?oreo!

79. What colour shirt are you wearing?black XD

80. What colour pants?BLACK

81. Favourite tv show?black. nah probably adventure time or rick and morty

82. Favourite movie?i don’t like movies that much

83. Mean Girls or Mean Girls 2?have seen neither

84. Mean Girls or 21 Jump Street?nope?

85. Favourite character from Mean Girls?who

86. Favourite character from Finding Nemo?stoner turtle

87. First person you talked to today?my adderall buddy. she texted me like the second i woke up some how

88. Last person you talked to today?she literally just texted me as i was writing that out soooo

89. Name a person you hate?i aint no snitch

90. Name a person you love?lexi cause that’s positive

91. Is there anyone you want to punch in the face right now?myself

92. In a fight with someone?never been, never want

93. How many sweatpants do you have?one

94. How many sweaters/hoodies do you have?i had one but as of today i have THREE

95. Last movie you watched?suicide squad and it sucked but pretty colors tho

96. Favourite actress?ent got one

97. Favourite actor?nope

98. Do you tan a lot?not at all what is the sun

99. Have any pets?two! daisy and ko bear!

100. How are you feeling?i’m feeling okay. i’ll feel better cause now my friend hit me up but i’m rushing to finish this!

101. Do you type fast?YA DAMN RIGHT I DO I GOTTA FINISH THIS

102. Do you regret anything from your past?i regret like almost everything?

103. Can you spell well?the answer is no

104. Do you miss anyone from your past?nope

105. Ever been to a bonfire party?yep

106. Ever broken someone’s heart?yep

107. Have you ever been on a horse?ONCE WHEN I WAS LITTLE BUT I WANNA DO IT AGAIN but i’ve been on a camel does that count

108. What should you be doing?bagging my weed and leaving the house right now

109. Is something irritating you right now?myself as always

110. Have you ever liked someone so much it hurt?nope

111. Do you have trust issues?i trusted you not to repeat a question so maybe i do now

112. Who was the last person you cried in front of?A STUPID ASS BITCH I REGRET IT SO MUCH i never cry in front of ANYONE before that it had been THREE YEARS since i cried in front of someone but i trust horrible people

113. What was your childhood nickname?sammy

114. Have you ever been out of your province/state?yep. i was born in florida, live in georgia. been to a few other surrounding states but nowhere far other than abroad

115. Do you play the Wii?nah

116. Are you listening to music right now?nah the album ended

117. Do you like chicken noodle soup?i don’t like soup

118. Do you like Chinese food?not really i wanna eat normal food with chopsticks tho

119. Favourite book?ew

120. Are you afraid of the dark?nah but i still get the creeps

121. Are you mean?some people seem to think so. i think so a lot of the time.

122. Is cheating ever okay?yes. i don’t do blanket statements

123. Can you keep white shoes clean?dear god no i avoid super messes but pretty much do whatever

124. Do you believe in love at first sight?fuck no

125. Do you believe in true love?i believe that love can be true but i do not believe that one single individual is your “soul mate” or “perfect match” or whatever. there are potentially thousands of people that you could fall madly in love with and it’s just probability and coincidence that allow you to collide with them

126. Are you currently bored?with my life yeah

127. What makes you happy?drugs and friends and dogs

128. Would you change your name?i have and it’s awesome now

129. What your zodiac sign?taurus

130. Do you like subway?never ridden one

131. Your bestfriend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do?heteronormative again and i don’t have a best friend but the only two female friends i have i would not have sex with, although me and one of them make cute jokes about dating and romance all the time

132. Who’s the last person you had a deep conversation with?BRUH STOP REPEATING

133. Favourite lyrics right now?“you tell me all the reasons you hate meand it feels like you’re listing off the symptoms of a borderline personalityand I know I am not tetheredto all the behaviors or the thoughtsI know one day I could rise above it allbut for now my illness makes people think I really suckand I guess for a couple more years I need to suck it up”- Don’t Blame Yourself by Human Kitten

i relate hella cause i’m pretty sure i have bpd and i can’t afford health insurance so i’m just kinda here

134. Can you count to one million?fuck no

135. Dumbest lie you ever told?i never remember shit. that’s seriously not a lie i don’t remember

136. Do you sleep with your doors open or closed?my door is always closed unless i’m home alone but eVEN THEN it’s closed if i’m sleeping

137. How tall are you?ew 5′2

138. Curly or Straight hair?mine? straight

139. Brunette or Blonde?brunette

140. Summer or Winter?winter

141. Night or Day?both or in between

142. Favourite month?october or december. i like the october vibe but like the december $$$$$

143. Are you a vegetarian?nooope

144. Dark, milk or white chocolate?milk

145. Tea or Coffee?green tea with mint please!

146. Was today a good day?it was not terrible. first day of the new quarter. worked my ass off but made some money. aboutta go smoke. it’s been alright

147. Mars or Snickers?neither

148. What’s your favourite quote?too many good quotes

149. Do you believe in ghosts?nope i believe in science and facts homie g

150. Get the closest book next to you, open it to page 42, what’s the first line on that page?“While some people will argue that this (A) may not exist or (B) is certainly not part of our physical forms, I’m going to go ahead and boldly state that consciousness (at the very least) is an irrefutable part of the human experience.” no shit that was Hannah Hart’s My Drunk Kitchen