#that confusion was only mine but yknow for interest; reference

[unproduciblesmackdown]

also, with all that knowledge now about 7th through 9th xmas shows vis-à-vis the hicks & the krampuses, seeing 12th annual xmas's flashback joe iconis afresh like Aha

on the basis of overalls alone maybe i'd think nothing of it but with the white tank top also & knowing "yeah, this wouldn't be a coincidence that nobody thought about & yeah, they would do an homage thusly" exactly as i did when i saw the bloodsong role being named Hick In Overalls & went wait a minute, photo recollection of "who's this xmas role in overalls i wonder? especially memorable in this case b/c [standing, saluting] when they seemingly crop up again going extra hard as a virgin mary dancer" like if that happened to also be jeremy morse then that wouldn't be a coincidence that nobody thought about & yeah they would do an homage thusly....definite twelfth annual it's like i can still hear his voice stop telling people i'm dead Reference there / plausibly kinda role mashup with flashback joe lol

while i'm here, also just enjoyed these twelfth annual sweet baby jesus pics b/c it's heartwarming when people are just going i am looking directly at it & great when there's people clearly cracking the fuck up at any point in the show

[dear-systems]

TW/ CSA, COCSA, SA, abuse, possible internalized Something Bad But I Dont Know What, general panic, idiocy, and self doubt akdj

Hiiiii,,, can I ask some for advice/opinions/guidance for me possibly being a system? It’s a very scary thought, I don’t think I wanna be a system, not really. It’s all confusing, it’s all a lot, and idk what to do. I don’t remember a lot of my childhood, sure, but like, I remember some things! I remember enough! What could’ve happened to me? I lived close to a predator that’s true, but I never slept over more than a couple nights, and I can’t remember anything they could’ve done to me, they never showed any signs. I grew up in a home, though, with a sibling of mine, and theyre… a complicated at best story. They were def preyed upon, and they also sexually assaulted me. I have blurry memories from when I was little of them playing “”games”” with me that make me wanna throw up, but they never really crossed the line into the assault like that one time. I repressed that one time soo much anyway, because I was so ashamed and horrified. It happened when I was 11. Could you even develop a dissociative disorder at age 11? And how would I remember ish and acknowledge that trauma without even KNOWING about others??? And that’s not considering the idea that I might not be traumagenic, which somehow is scarier?? It makes me mad at the world, cause I feel like I’d be even MORE hated and called fake and believe it myself. And also, that there wasn’t a reason. That I’d be going through this pain for no reason other than brain go brr, not brain go cope. Am I making sense?? I’m sorry if not, and I’m sorry if I have said/will say something offensive. I don’t wanna downplay their experiences, but also I don’t know a lot and I just. Aghh, yknow? I haven’t done too much research, cause I’m lazy and I’m scared akdhsjhfj, and most of the time I just ignore this. Until it just hits me for a couple weeks or days that this isnt normal, is it? I don’t think I really hear voices, my body is never out of my control. I always want whatever it’s doing. If I hear anything, its just in my head, and in MY voice, and it could be just like,,,, not alters yknow? Just me thoughts. I’m genderfluid, of that I am certain, I was only ever a solid gender when I didn’t feel like me. Even if there’s other people in here with me, I’m genderfluid, and none of them have ever shown interest in anyone in a romo/smexy way, just as I have. So idk what’s that about??? Different genders but same orientation? Idk. Phibi isn’t a human, and it doesn’t like calling itself by human terms, so though it too doesn’t feel attraction, technically it isn’t aroace like the rest of us. Or me. Idk man I’m confused. I have such terrible memory. That’s the worst part. One time I forgot how old I was lmao. Everything is a blur, but none of it is completely a blackout. If it ever feels empty, all I have to do is try real hard to get SOMETHING, and eventually I will, so. Eh. But it’s all so, so blurry. I can recall things I did, but it isn’t like… attached? It’s strange. It takes me a moment, like getting a file in a computer and it lagging, and it just seems so distant. Sometimes tho, it isn’t, and sometimes it is. It’s all inconsistent. That’s what really gets to me, I think. It’s hard to make out, and I suck at handling things that are hard to make out. Usually I thought I either repressed things or got over them quickly or something when I get triggered (I have PTSD oof) but today with the whole who-are-i thing when I got triggered, I was very panicky at first as usual. I was not having a good time akdjdjj, as per usual. Then I kinda became numb, dissociated, and then came to… feeling surprisingly ok? I didn’t feel like Me, of course. This is confusing. I felt like someone else. I STILL do! I feel like that person! I feel like the one that panicked is another, it’s weird to refer to us like this, I’m sorry. It’s so confusing. So that doesn’t bode well for my “oh I’m perfectly fine and a singlet” case. I still feel the closest to them, though. Everyone else is more separate. This doesn’t make sense ahdhskfj. I feel like I’m faking it. I feel like I can’t possibly be plural. (1/2)

I remember as a child feeling so sad and helpless, that I would relish in my own mind, if that makes sense. I liked the fact it was Mine, and no one could take that from me. No one could know what was inside it, not really, not unless they were a mind reader, which I chose to believe for my sanity didn’t exist akdjsj. I had full control over it. If I wanted there to be a palace with me as the sole ruling prince with a pink gown and infinite cake and toys in there, I could. If I wanted to go “home”, even when physically and logically I was there, I could. Im scared that being plural will take that from me. On one hand, it’s kinda nice. I remember Phibi once took themselves to school for me, planned to go through the whole day if a switch hadn’t happened, if I’m allowed to even use those words akfjakd. I was relieved at not having to go to school. But also. This is scary, this is strange, this is invasive, and it’s giving me far too much of an identity crisis. I just. Uh help?? Somehow?? In any way?? That would be nice tho obvs you don’t haVe to akdjskjd (2/2)

You're definitely not alone, anon, and it certainly sounds like you're a system. It is hard, to adjust, but you'll get there in time.

May I recommend having things that are exclusively yours? A blog, a spot in your innerworld if you have one, a playlist, etc. Something that is just yours.

[rockcandyshrike]

Info on Chirrut and Baze from the Guardian of the Whills Book (Part 1/???)

Hey y’all so @senator-organa is the bestest person in the whole wide universe and she let me read an epub of the book and there’s SO MUCH GOOD STUFF I WANNA SHARE/POINT OUT. Spoilers ho below the cut!

Okay first, I am pleased as punch that some of the characters of Jedha in the Visual Dictionary show up and weren’t just interesting bits of world-building to never be touched upon again. They are Angber Trel, Silvanie Phest and Killi Gimm (the red-robed ones on the first page) who are Disciples of the Whills, and Kullbee Sperado, Beezer Fortuna, and Leevan Tenza (the ugliest motherfuckers ever on the second page) who work for Saw. Good on Greg Rucka for utilizing them.

LOOK AT THAT UGLY TWI’LEK

After the Empire came to Jedha and stripped the Temple of its artifacts and kicked everyone out, there are only a handful of Disciples left, and only two Guardians.

“Or, if you were to listen to Baze Malbus tell it, one blind Guardian and his long-suffering  friend husband.”

Which makes me think there weren’t that many Guardians in the first place and they were likely outnumbered by Disciples.

We called it fandom, Chirrut panhandles not for credits, but to listen to the pulse of the city.

A Disciple comes to them for help with someone at the Temple who is (falsely) calling himself a Jedi in order to foment violence and Baze immediately wakes up from napping in a patch of sunlight to say, “No.”

What a man.

There’s an entire paragraph talking about how “No” is the “perfect embodiment of who Baze Malbus had become.” No to the Empire, no to the suffering of Jedha, no to the Force. (Greg Rucka you are already murdering me.)

Interestingly enough, the Disciple still refers to Baze as a Guardian, which he quickly denies by saying Chirrut is the only Guardian.

“Chirrut’s smile turned to a grin as he felt Baze jerk a thumb in his direction.” 

They’re so married.

There’s a part where Baze turns on a faucet and has to wait for thirty seconds before it turns from rust red to black to “something approximating clear.” (Ye gads.)

Two good lines on how they feel about what the Empire’s done to Jedha

“It made Baze, who had nursed an anger all his own for so long, even angrier.”

“It just made Chirrut sad, and all the more determined to keep his faith in the Force and to find a way to ease the suffering of those around him.”

The sentence is a little inaccurate because there are several lines that clearly illustrate Chirrut is also angry as fuck, but he tries to hide it.

It also makes me think that maybe a little part of why Chirrut keeps his faith is to say “Fuck you” to the Empire which suppresses all faiths.

Chirrut’s sense of smell is ridiculously good and he can smell fear on everyone in Jedha, and even sometimes on himself.

“But never from Baze.” (Hmmmm, interpret that how you will)

He’s able to smell that the dude who’s trying to pass himself off as a Jedi is actually from Jedha and used to work in the kyber mines. (holy shit Chirrut has got one helluva super sniffer)

We called it again fandom! Chirrut is Force-sensitive, tho minorly so. He can sometimes high-tune his senses and feel people’s auras.

Baze is *twice* called “reassuring.”

Gay

Baze confirmed for walking armory; carries a shock-stick up his left sleeve. (He also carries around a pair of macrobinoculars in his belt.)

Baze confirmed for tea snob; most people like Tarine tea but Baze thinks it’s foul and only good for washing the taste of dust out of his mouth.

Baze confirmed (again) for being Extra™ as fuck; before he got his cannon he had an E-5 carbine he’d modified to be able to punch a hole *through* a stormtrooper.

And it “no longer [had] a stun setting. There was a time when this would have bothered him. He had been a younger man...”

;n;

Baze confirmed for giving best hugs; “he stepped in and wrapped his arms around her and lifted her in a hug that took her off her feet.”

Baze confirmed for BIG BUFF BOY.

He rips the tops off of a couple crates with his bare hands.

He also lifts one of these crates like it’s no big deal, when earlier the stormtroopers needed *gravhooks* to lift them.

His friend Denic is shook. “Her eyes widened for a moment at the display of strength.”

Much later he pushes aside a heavy metal panel door that survived being blown up and “It moved, grudgingly, and he leaned into it even harder, heard the metal grinding against the frame, against the sand, until it gave with a sudden snap of broken cable.”

Baze is also surprisingly quite in shape; he easily parkours a block without breaking a sweat.

Though when he does a superhero landing (totally impractical, they all do it) “he landed heavy and hard, felt the ground stab back at him, sending pain through his legs to his knees.”

THIS IS WHY YOU SHOULD ROLL WHEN YOU LAND BAZE

The next line is intriguing tho, “There had been a time when such a jump wouldn’t have given him even the slightest discomfort.”

YEAH AND THAT’S WHY YOUR KNEES HURT NOW BAZE

Both of those points and Chirrut being -waves hands- yknow, Chirrut, are feeding my headcanon that the Guardians of the Whills were trained to be akin to supersoldiers in terms of abilities.

*coughcoughWinterSoldierAUcoughcough* (http://lionmettled.tumblr.com/post/157044874024/cindy-semi-reluctantly-presents-a-spiritassassin)

Also zawa-shimo canonically allows a person to do “near-supernatural” things. Baze may no longer be a Guardian, but that doesn’t erase the years, maybe decades, when he was.

Chirrut confirmed (again) for cheeky little shit; wisecracks a bunch, makes at least two blind jokes. Baze thinks he’s hilarious.

“Baze roared with laughter, loud enough that the crowded street took notice of them, including two helmeted and robed worshippers of the Central Isopter, who stepped curiously closer. Baze grinned big at them, showing his teeth, and they stopped, then stepped back...”

Baze. No.

I kept count. Chirrut makes Baze laugh 4 times and Baze makes Chirrut laugh 2 times.

They’re so fucking cute I love them so much.

Chirrut confirmed for saying ridiculous shit; ““There is a space between ‘next to impossible’ and ‘impossible.’” Chirrut smiled at something only he knew was there. “That is where we will fit.” “This guy, you believe this guy?” Denic said to Baze. “Yes,” Baze said.”

Chirrut confirmed for loving kids; he hears a child laugh and wants to laugh too (He’s such a sweetie).

Chirrut also had a friend he used to teach zawa-shimo (operative word being /had/).

CHIRRUT CONFIRMED FOR CONMAN AND BAZE HELPING HIM.

I won’t quote the one that most ppl have probably seen in the spiritassassin and associated tags about “my stick! I seem to have dropped it! -gropes around on the ground and holds up stormtroopers-” Instead, have this good bit (with a few things cut out for brevity)

“Where?” Chirrut asked. He sounded convincingly innocent. “There. In there.” She [indicated] the broken door. “Where?” Chirrut repeated. “Several people saw you forcing your way into the building. We were standing right here when you came out. In there, the building, there.” “This building?” Chirrut reached out with his left hand [to touch] the stonework. He managed to look surprised. “He gets confused.” Baze told the sergeant.

*I love them so much.*

Chirrut confirmed for being a goddamn nuisance; “In [Baze’s] experience, Chirrut could be a tremendously frustrating person when he chose to be, and often enough, even when he didn’t.”

Baze can read Chirrut so well he can tell Chirrut is going to fight some stormtroopers when he moves his hand by a *centimeter.*

This level of married and drift compatible I cannot deal with

LET’S TALK ABOUT BAZE’S GUN (no, not the one in his pants)

Baze’s cannon is not for personal use. His buddy Denic tells him this *twice.* It’s supposed to be mounted on a vehicle. 

“He looked back into the crate...He looked at Denic. He grinned. “I like it,” he said.

BAZE. NO.

The smart targeting system doesn’t work well without the person being chipped or wearing power armor, but Baze still manages to use it later to take out almost the entirety of a landing bay. -shrug-

He can use it with one hand, which a person really shouldn’t be able to do since it’s supposed to be a vehicle-mounted weapon I just want to point that out again, but he’s Baze fucking Malbus he does what he wants (to keep Chirrut happy and safe and to kill Imperials)

The cannon was actually Imperial property they were going to use  to slaughter Jedhans “for crowd control”, but Baze and Chirrut stole it when they jacked an Imperial supply speeder for the food and medicine it was carrying.

Denic is the one who helps Baze by making the body armor/coolant tank rig for him. Denic is a good bro. If you’ve ever wondered how it hooks up, it uses magnets (magnets, how do they work?)

And it’s capacity for 35,000 rounds has been jossed! In actuality, IT SHOOTS CLOSE TO *40,000 ROUNDS* BEFORE RELOADING.

I’M /HOWLING/

The next scene is great too. Baze walks into their home saying, “Honey, I’m hooooome” “Chirrut, I found a new gun.” Saw’s recruiters who’d been stalking them that day are drinking tea with Chirrut. He points his gun at them and Chirrut says, “Resist, please, the urge to use it.” *awkward pause filled in with audience laughter*

Okay it’s 2am I’m crashing I’ll write another thing later where I gush over Denic, my new pilot wife ;)