#that is so so so cool. giving you myy. entire heart

[pillowspace]

Seeing your tags made me look up these little guys and I have a new favorite sea creature now. They’re just so darn cute! Thank you for inadvertently introducing me to them.

[lotstradamus]

But Lottie, we cry, you haven't talked about Cursed Child yet, the people need to know

OOOOOOOHHH MYY GGGOOOOOODDDDDD

you’re right, I haven’t, I got distracted by going on holiday immediately after and then starting a new job so now The Cursed Child feels like it happened TEN THOUSAND YEARS AGO!!! but oh my god, I will talk about it. will I talk. 

ok, so, firstly MILD SPOILERS PROBS! 

before seeing it I would’ve been like ‘oh spoilers, but at this point who doesn’t know everything that happens haha’ but it turns out the answer to that is LOTS OF PEOPLE, and the #1 best thing about seeing it was HEARING THE UNSPOILED PEOPLE IN THE AUDIENCE GASPING IN SHOCK ABOUT THINGS! IT WAS SO PURE! the Single Best Gasp was when Scorpius pops out of the lake at the end of the first part and Umbridge is like ‘?!?! I’m Dolores Umbridge!!!’ the gasps of shock were DEAFENING, IT WAS SO COOL! 

so anyway, yes, spoilers.

I DON’T REALLY KNOW WHAT TO SAY. WHICH IS RARE FOR ME. I feel like I need to review it in two parts, because I felt so differently about the two parts. I also feel like seeing it on stage highlighted a lot of the things I really didn’t like about it. ALSO, my friend works in the theatre, HENCE THIS INSTAGRAM PICTURE (!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!), and he gave us a) a backstage tour, and b) insider info, which changed how I felt about parts of it a lot as well. BASICALLY IT WAS A ROLLERCOASTER FROM START TO FINISH, I SPENT NEARLY £100 ON MERCH, AND @scorbius SAT ON THE STAGE AND CRIED. 

so! first of all! all the magic stage stuff was amazing. all of it. literally every single instance of magic was incredible. if you were reading the script and you were like ‘hmm, I wonder how they do that on stage?’ the answer is FUCKING BRILLIANTLY. while I was watching it I kept FORGETTING magic isn’t actually a thing. my brain would just be like ah, yep. magic. and then it’d be like wait, no, this is a STAGE and WIZARDS AREN’T REAL. I can’t even begin to explain any of it (my pal’s little backstage tour filled us in on what we wanted to know and honestly it all sounded so improbable and difficult I’m starting to suspect they all might actually be wizards), but know that it was WONDERFUL and SPELLBINDING and SO UNBELIEVABLY IMPRESSIVE. my mouth was straight-up falling open at some parts. even when you thought you maybe knew how they did it, you did not for a second see it happening. just so clever. 

secondly: SHOUT OUT TO THE DEMENTORS, THE SINGLE COOLEST THING I HAVE EVER SEEN ON STAGE. I actually really don’t want to spoil it for anyone who hasn’t seen it and might in the future, that’s how amazing they were. I was like the little open-mouthed crossed-eyes emoji at them. it seems insane to me that the dementors could be so lacklustre in the films, because they were literally breathtaking on stage. terrifying and so, so real. I got CHILLS, MAN. 

another very cool thing that had me all 😵  was Al and Scorpius in the lake. it looked amazing. ALSO THE FACT THAT THERE WAS REAL WATER UNDER THE STAGE THAT THEY WERE POPPING OUT OF AND HAVING SCENES IN. my #connections told us that at one point one of them (Albus or Scorpius, I couldn’t remember if you paid me) is under water for 3 ½ minutes with scuba gear waiting for his cue. imagine.

SO YEAH, ALL THE SPECIAL EFFECTS AND MAGIC AND #MOMENTS WERE VERY WELL DONE IN THE FIRST HALF. they were pretty well done in the second half as well, but I really wasn’t into the Voldemort effects (INACCURATE AND PANDERING TO THE FILM AUDIENCES), the Lily and James death scene (kind of awkward), and the Hagrid-rescuing-Harry bit (basic). but everything else was great. Harry and Draco’s duel was a fucking DELIGHT from start to finish, the Polyjuice scenes were athletic feats, AND THE HOGWART’S EXPRESS ESCAPE SCENE WAS INDESCRIBABLY HILARIOUS AND VISUALLY AMAZING. THE WHOLE THING WAS VISUALLY AMAZING. 

I think my #1 main qualm, WHICH ANYONE WOULD BE ABLE TO GUESS, AS I AM A ONE-NOTE HUMAN BEING AND TRANSPARENT IN ALL THINGS, is The Albus Problem. 

it occurred to me when I read the script, but it’s not as Glaringly Obvious in the book as it is onstage - mainly because when it was happening in my head it was 25000x gayer (I’ll get to this later, don’t fucking worry). the main… not plot, precisely, but the main, like, Emotional Drive of this play is Albus and his relationship with Harry. it’s a classic ‘but it’s your dream, son!’ ‘no, dad… it’s YOURS!’ kind of father/son relationship: blah blah misunderstanding, blah blah can’t fill your shoes so I AGGRESSIVELY DO NOT WANT TO, I’m a REBEL, you’ll NEVER UNDERSTAND ME DAD, etc. etc. ad nauseum. you get the picture. Albus resents his famous father, hates being compared to him every second of every day, hates that he’ll never, ever measure up to him, the usual. 

and Albus isn’t the only one being like ‘You Don’t Get Me, Dad!’ everyone is saying this to Harry - or implying it, at least. there is SO MUCH CHAT re: Harry not ‘getting’ Albus, Harry not seeing him for who he really is, Harry not understanding him, Albus being DIFFERENT from his siblings, Albus being DIFFERENT in general, Harry needing to handle Albus DIFFERENTLY because he’s so DIFFERENT. Albus Is Different is the theme from the get-go: the play starts, he’s sorted into Slytherin, and we’re off. Albus ‘Different’ Potter rises. 

here’s the thing: we’re never really shown how Albus is Different, other than the fact that he’s in Slytherin. (which… like, I know it’s a BIG DEAL in the books and a BIG DEAL to 11-year-old knobheads, but honestly if I’d come home from school like MUM, I’M IN ST. PATRICK’S HOUSE, YOU’LL NEVER UNDERSTAND ME!!! she’d be like ‘aww ok, love!’ it’s just a school house. it’s just a way of organising a bunch of prepubescents. it’s not life and death. get over it, @ every single person in the Harry Potter series.) and RE: ALBUS IN SLYTHERIN - and Scorpius in Slytherin, to an extent - we’re really never shown WHY they’re Slytherins. I LOVE that they don’t fit the usual Slytherin mould, i.e. they’re not ~*~evil~*~ bullies or indescribably cool, but we’re not shown any Slytherin traits at all. like… ok, guys. barely even the Not Evil Traits. weeehhh. 

so, yeah, the main emotional thrust of The Cursed Child (and lol, don’t even get me started on that title) is that Albus Is Different And His Father Will Never Understand Him, but it seems like different = Slytherin and bratty. there’s lots of YELLING AND STORMING about how he’ll never be understood, but… there isn’t that much to understand. or misunderstand. like, not being funny, but it’s not hard to understand that your son is a rude and grumpy little shit who hates authority, like every other teenager in the world. 

AN Y WAY. Harry tries to understand Albus and relate to him and it all goes shockingly tits the fuck up. 

Albus and Scorpius almost destroy the world, it’s a whole thing, dreadful. 

after the world is not destroyed but Harry is forced to watch his parents get murdered, HAZ AND ALB SUDDENLY SEEM TO GET ON. I understand that trauma brings people together etc. etc. but Harry, after being a shit dad who we’ve been repeatedly shown Does Not Understand His Son, seems to Understand His Son. 

WHAT IS THERE TO SUDDENLY UNDERSTAND? WHAT??? WHAT???? ‘OH MY SON TIME TRAVELED AND NEARLY FUCKED THE WORLD, I #GET HIM NOW!’??? THERE IS S T I L L NO EXPLANATION AS TO WHY ALBUS IS [DEEP SIGH] DIFFERENT AND WHY IT’S SO HARD FOR HARRY TO [EYE ROLL] UNDERSTAND HIM! THEY SEEM TO JUST… SORT OF GET ON AT THE END. 

there is, in my humble opinion, a big, glaring hole in this story, and that hole is where The Reason Albus Is So Different To His Siblings, His Father, And Seemingly Everyone At Hogwarts Except Scorpius should be. and I think

you know

what I 

am 

going

to 

say. 

when you read the script, it is fucking unbelievably gay. unbelievably. I mean, for starters: the stairs scene, the ridiculous ‘you’re kind, Scorpius’ scene (which makes me sick to my stomach with LOVE and I will not think about it), the whole Severus Snape #1 Scorbus Shipper scene. for seconds: child going through puberty is different from his peers and siblings for no discernible reason, doesn’t fit in, doesn’t think he’ll ever be understood, closes himself off from almost everyone and is angry and prickly all the time. his dad doesn’t #get him, he doesn’t WANT his dad to get him, his mum SORT OF gets him and gently tries to explain to his dad that he needs to UNDERSTAND that their son is DIFFERENT from their other children. 

DOES THIS SOUND AT ALL FAMILIAR TO ANYONE?

this kid gay. or, at least, this kid gay IN MY HEART. the first time I read it I was like, ‘WOW, YOU CAN DEFINITELY DO A QUEER READING OF THIS, WHAT A SHAME THAT THEY’RE GONNA GIVE US SOME OTHER LESS COMPELLING REASON FOR THE WHOLE ‘ALBUS IS ~DIFFERENT~’ THING.’

but they don’t. cast your mind back -- do they ever actually get around to explaining what makes Albus so Different, other than hormones and general Teen AngstTM? no! they don’t! he’s a Slytherin, but that’s PART of his being different, not the reason for it. and other than that... he’s a grumpy shit? bit of a knob? doesn’t like his dad? OMG, HOW DiFfErEnT and oRiGiNaL! they never give us a real, concrete Here’s What Sets Albus Apart explanation. at all. and this was GLARINGLY OBVIOUS ONSTAGE, in a way it just WASN’T (as much) when you read the book. because when you read the book -- or, at least, when I read the book -- it’s gay as hell in your head, because it’s gay as hell on page, regardless of Albus’s implied thing for Bellatrix Lite and Rose being entirely demoted to a love interest. I barely even noticed that they didn’t give us a reason for Albus Being Different when I read the book, BECAUSE IN THE BOOK THEY DID, AND IT’S THAT HE’S GAY. 

but, for some reason*, it just doesn’t come across the same way on stage. 

*haha, kidding, I know why. wanna know why? here’s why: 

The Cursed Child, in the wake of the script’s publication and every person in the world knocking on JKR’s proverbial door yelling ‘JO, THIS IS GAY’, has been thoroughly straightened. they couldn’t really straighten it off the bat, what with the cast all rehearsed and perfected and ready to go, but it has been thoroughly straightened with cast #2. well and truly de-gayed. and I KNOW THIS TO BE TRUE, because I have the aforementioned [dramatic pause] insider info. 

the friend I mentioned earlier, who for the sake of me not distantly worrying about him getting sued for spilling secrets I shall call Chad, works at The Cursed Child. his job is something terrifyingly technical like Lighting And Effects Assistant Manager or something or other. Chad and I have been friends for many a year. Chad, like 90% of people who read this script, thinks that The Cursed Child is gay as hell. CHAD LET US PLAY WITH PROPS, TOOK US ONSTAGE, RUINED ALL THE MAGIC BY TELLING US HOW THEY DID IT ALL (SO AMAZING AND COMPLICATED IT MAY AS WELL HAVE BEEN ACTUAL MAGIC), and THEN said, when the subject inevitably came up, that the first iteration of Albus and Scorpius were 5000x times gayer to the point that Chad used to make jokes to them about their Love Scenes. (which makes me Mad Jealous, but apparently he and Anthony Boyle didn’t get on. imagine knowing someone from TCC cast well enough to know you don’t get on. insane.) 

obviously I didn’t let this ‘it used to be much gayer’ comment slide, attempted to downplay my interest, and was like, ‘oh, really? is this version... less... romantic?’ (he was immediately like ‘OH HAHA, I FORGOT ABOUT YOU AND FANFICTION’, which: [annoyed Marge Simpson noise]) and TOO LONG, DIDN’T READ: YES. THE SECOND CAST IS SIGNIFICANTLY LESS GAY ABOUT IT. HE SAID IT’S ALMOST LIKE A DIFFERENT SHOW, AS FAR AS THE ALBUS/SCORPIUS STUFF IS CONCERNED. FAR LESS INTENSE, FAR LESS STARE-INTO-EACH-OTHER’S-EYES-Y. and, don’t get me wrong, it was still pretty fucking gay. I mean, the lines haven’t changed -- it is well and truly romantic af. BUT IT’S CHANGED ENOUGH THAT SOMEONE WHO’S BEEN THERE FROM THE BEGINNING IS LIKE ‘THIS IS ALMOST BELIEVABLY HETEROSEXUAL NOW! GOLLY!’ 

I can’t remember what point I was trying to make 1500 words ago. 

right, yes: this was my main, unconquerable problem. (well, this and the fact that the second half is so batshit insane you just can’t suspend your disbelief anymore and you’re sitting there like ‘this looks incredible, but wtf?’) at best it’s a plot hole or a loose thread, AT WORST IT’S INEXCUSABLY BAD STORYTELLING AND PURE COWARDICE. either way it niggled at me all the way home and then all the way to Paris, and it’s still the thing that niggles at me now. it really just feels like something’s MISSING. which is... a shame. 

even more of a shame that they’re such a bunch of horrific twats that they changed the direction of the play so it was less gay, but I’m choosing to interpret it as IT IS BLINDINGLY HOMOEROTIC THROUGH AND THROUGH AND THEY’RE HAVING TO ACTIVELY FIGHT AGAINST IT BUT IT’S STILL GAY AS A MAYPOLE, HA HA, FUCK YOU!!! 

anyway. 

I’m not sure if I have anything else to say. 

to sum up: it was truly gorgeous, and parts of it were so incredible that they’re quite literally indescribable. I have never in my life seen anything like it on stage, and I would see it again in a heartbeat. Draco Malfoy deserved his redemption arc, Harry needs to leave the wizard cops immediately, and Albus and Scorpius are in love. alright. the end. whatever.