#that most monogamous relationships (whether romantic or qpr or whatever) do

[dreadeves]

hm. yknow, if riz was to be in a relationship it’d have to be a poly one, because a monogamous one would be doing the pairing-off-esque thing that he deeply doesn’t want to happen. if you presume he has a ‘favorite friend’ you’re falling into the same trap he is by presuming that some friends mean more (and he presumes there is always the least favorite friend). it feels like this kind of relationship hierarchy is what he doesn’t like, because he feels like he’s always going to be the odd one out and the one that everyone’s leaving

[its-no-biggie]

Have you looked into QPRs/Queerplatonic Relationships? It’s kind of like that!!!!!

yes i know all about them! i actually have a lot of thoughts about this so strap in bc we're in for a long one.

for me personally, i dont think its really necessary to distinguish a platonic relationship where you live together or do other "marriage things" from any other kind of friendship. some friendships are closer or last longer than others and thats fine, so i just dont see why i would need a different word for it? like, every description of a qpr ive seen is different from a regular platonic relationship in up to 2 ways: 1. its "deeper" or "more meaningful" than regular friendships (implies that friendships cannot be as deep or meaningful as a marriage, which i reject) and 2. you do things together that regular friends dont do (but who says we cant do those with all of our friends? why can you only break these rules with one special person? when does it go from a slightly unconventional friendship to a qpr? idk doesnt really make sense to me). im sure those distinctions matter to some people, but i just dont really find them useful

and the deeper issue here is that society has drilled into us that we need to have one person that is The Most Important, that we rely on to fulfill all of our relationship needs. this is the concept of "amatonormativity": the idea that everyone needs to settle down with someone into a traditional monogamous relationship, and that no other relationship is as important or fulfilling as that one. and i just dont subscribe to that kind of hierarchy (for me personally! obviously not telling anyone how to live their life. your relationship boundaries and labels are your business). like im already throwing out the idea of a traditional marriage by not wanting a sexual relationship, so may as well throw out everything else i dont like while im at it. i dont think the person youre having sex with has to be the person youre closest with in the world, i dont think the person you share finances with has to be the person you primarily rely on emotionally, i think physical and emotional intimacy should not be reserved for sexual relationships, and i think every relationship fulfills a different role and combining them all into one Ultimate Most Important Relationship- FOR LIFE- isnt always a good idea. whether its a marriage or a qpr or whatever else.

and honestly i think the main reason this viewpoint is so uncommon (well, aside from the fact that most people dont really examine what theyre taught about marriage and monogamy and the way things "should" be) is because of jealousy. i totally understand the desire to be The Most Important Person in someone elses life, to feel wanted and needed by someone that you love. and finding out that someone youre very close to also relies on someone else definitely stings a bit! but just because something makes you a little upset doesnt mean that its actually bad. i think everyone should have lots of people to rely on outside of their partner, and people they trust just as much or more than their partner, and i think we would all be a lot healthier and happier if we accepted that and got rid of the traditional hierarchy of "everyone must come second to your spouse, because your spouse should fulfill all of your relationship needs, and if they dont then theyre a bad spouse"

like. sometimes people who are very good for each other are not compatible sexually. why shouldnt they fulfill those needs elsewhere? (IF theyre both okay with it. im not condoning cheating, im talking about unconventional relationship boundaries that are mutually agreed upon.) sometimes people who love each other do not agree on how a household should be run. why should they move in together just because their relationship has reached a certain stage? why should someones long-term friendships suddenly become less important to them once they get into a romantic relationship?? all these rules are made up! i reject them all! relationship anarchy!!

and just to be clear- im not saying that traditional monogamous relationships are bad. if you want those kinds of relationship boundaries, where one person is the most important to you and your relationship is very exclusive, more power to you! but that isnt the only option, and its frustrating how much our society devalues friendship in favour of marriage. i mean, even people who dont want a romantic relationship needed to define something thats MORE than "just friends". because friends dont get married. friends dont sleep together. friends dont raise children together. those things go beyond "just friends". but i say screw that! friends can do whatever they want together! i love my friends a lot and i refuse to be confined by what friends are and arent "supposed" to do together. and its a shame that you really only see these kinds of unconventional relationship dynamics in the polyamorous and aro/ace communities. everyone should question what they know about relationships and how theyre supposed to function, and decide for themselves what kind of boundaries work for their specific relationships. at least thats what i think