#that’s wonderful! wont help me to not kill myself ffs

[goththembo]

Hard to make arguments for the parentals at this point like metronoming btwn staying a part of their lives and just disappearing to as physically far away from them as possible when i move out

[tumbleweedbloodbash]

Litterally a MASSIVE vent under the cut

Cw: neglect talk, childhood truama, school truama, fakeclaiming self, being used, self hatred, seeking abuse, suicide implications and everything familiar

Silas / Tumbleweed [he/it/they]

I am so pathetic. So fucking pathetic. I am the biggest disappointment in my family 🤷‍♂️ I'll never be anything, I'll never be what they expect of me and it's all my own fault. I really could have been better, I mean I could have changed so much been so much more but I didn't.

I will quite litterally NEVER be what they wanted out of me because how down to earth pathetic I truly am. I'm better off dead and sheltered from any chance to succeed because there is no point, every opportunity im given I throw away because I can't mentally push through it. I feel pathetic for it honestly. I want to be able to go to school I should be able to but I just can't, my mentality and my body stop me- I can't even try to go to school without being in so much pain from stress worsening my chronic illness.

Trying to be the one who stays in front for most of the day but the stress of school causes us to rapid switch so often now. The way I FUCKING TRY! to avoid the people who dislike us but first dya back I quite litterally run into them by accident. I made contact with them ffs I was trying to avoid them, I find it funny how they went from being nice to fucking lol cow farmer reddit junkies it's wild how much a few months and a shitty influence can do to someone. Idk I just feel like I'm reaching my breaking point.

I know I say that alot especially on here aha, but its just getting worse and worse. I feel the need to isolate myself again to try and live some sort of life because I'm not outside of this, im just an vicious animal to my family, a trick dog to our friends and a fucking stepping stone to anyone who I put before myself. I don't actually have a life because I spread mine out so much for the people around me to just walk all over.

I never NEVER put myself first because I'd be seen as selfish, I'd be seen as ignorant, uncaring and rude. So I'll sit there having a shut down in the car. I'll lay there holding back tears, I'll kick others out of front and take it over, I'll sit there in class and try not to violently breakdown, I'll suppress my rage just abit more so I can be there for you. I'll rid myself of hatred to seem more nice! I'll fucking break the walls so you don't have to see me break myself. I'll walk away so you don't see me cry, I'll act like I didn't just get triggered from you raising your voice, I'll suppress that really icky feeling inside me because I need to be there for others. I'll act like I'm not about to have a sensory melt down. I'll downplay every issue of my own to make yours seem so much worse so I need to help. I'll pretend like I'm not triggered by so many small things! I'll be perfect! I'll be seen as fucking perfect in that scenario!

Because truly I'm not even fucking real. I'm not real! I'm just a fucking peice of a shattered identity that only broke this badly because I was too pathetic to just deal with the childhood truama! I was too pathetic and let it all get to me :) I was so pathetic that I had to have coped by dissociating through the neglect, abuse, mental torture and nearly being killed multiple times. Couldn't even face my problems than no wonder I can't now because I'm even more fragmented and I can't stop splitting on people! IM FUCKING TRYING NOT TO IM SORRY I DONT WANT TO BUT I WONT FUCKING STOP!.

But guess what. I'll put on another act, like there isn't a thing going on! Like I'm just a trick dog made to follow people around as it's only job, I'll be your dog. I'll be a dog to anyone who needs one! I have no feelings because I'm not human afterall! So use me. Please just use me, please. I crave it, I crave just being used and fucking abused. I know when it's happening but I just keep repeating it because I deserve it.

Sometimes I wonder why I still care to do specific things when every single time I do them it's followed by atleast 1-3 scenarios. There isn't any changing it, believe me I've tried- I have tried so many diffrent things but it's also a 3 scene scenario! Maybe I keep doing it in hopes one day, ONE FUCKING DAY! there might be a chance it won't play out the same- it's always played out like this. Every. Single. Fucking. Time. I'm starting to get sick of it, im starting to resent so much now and I hate it! Maybe our ex was right and that we will never fucking change.

I feel like him now, waiting for a change in something thats never going to fucking happen because no matter how long we wait, no matter how many things we try, no matter what we do it's always a repeat of the last time. I'm starting to lose ideas on what to do or how to cope through it, im losing it I really am. I think I need to just shrivel up and never come back, I can't even live. I'm sorry, im so fucking sorry to the people who know me in person im a horrible person.

I don't think you understand just how bad I am tbh, I care about people but one second later I don't give a shit, I think whatever happens to them is karma for how I've victimised myself to things they have done. Things I've probably over exhausted to make myself hate them even more. I don't end up hating them though, whoever it happens to I end up just missing them so much IT physically hurts me. But I'm fucking horrible! I have the worst jealousy issues, I can't handle people liking the same stuff as me because I am so convinced that they will steal the ONE things I find that makes me unique! I can't fucking handle when people copy me intentional or not but it gets under my skin and I feel like I'm no longer an individual and I start to absolutely hate what I used to like!

I ruin things for everyone.

I'm better off fucking dead.

I'm sorry boris.