#that's the post i wanted to make about 'transient' thanks

[detectiveconnor]

“A machine was destroyed.  And another machine was sent to replace it.  I don't understand what's bothering you.” (it) (cuts out the ‘I’ as much as possible) 

“The previous model was destroyed. I'm the new Connor.” (the) (not ‘a’ or ‘another’ but just ‘the’. the presumed new Connor. the necessarily required Connor. the destined next connor. the transient self)

“I’m not a unique model, am I? How many Connors are there?”  (I’m) (still multiple - there is more than one Connor/more than one machine that could fill this role/but ‘I’m’, and ‘are’)

“If I don't solve this case, CyberLife will destroy me. Five minutes. It's all I ask.” (I, me, separate from Cyberlife who is capable of malevolent (at least negatively-coded) action) 

transient like smoke. transient like it is not made to be held onto, it cannot be held at all. transient like he is a passer-by in people’s lives and he is surprised to find people have thought about him while he’s not there. transient like the only space for him that is going to be his is space that he holds for himself (and he holds it well, he holds things very well). transient like ‘i am loved like an ache in my throat’ and being held-space-for is startling, and sometimes sharp.

transient like ‘wanted’ is a feeling worth noticing.

transient like being torn into and taken and taken and taken and taken and taken from was at least at one point what he was there for. intended function (there has to be a way to talk about that without using those words, which feel dirty). prototype.

transient, is what the feeling is, often. even still, in his day-to-day life. he is still there and he is still warm and he is still doing what he needs to do, but people look away and he does not make them look back again. It’s not that Connor doesn’t think he is worth more than it, it’s not that he seeks to be it, it’s not that he thinks people do not love him, it is not that he is undervaluing himself or his work. he knows he is good, and the work that he does is good, and he is an excellent part of the teams that he works in.

but it’s that there is that background, quiet thought, just around, a learned set of rules for navigating his life which he can slip into or slip on if he isn’t paying attention. rules he learnt through the prototype he was and the things cyberlife did with his body.

there’s always that little flash of surprise and affection when someone has Noticed Connor and/or Remembered something about him. it is rare that people pay attention. he is quiet, does not demand the attention of people who discount him, does not care whether people are seeing him or not when he does the good work that he does. but it is nice to be seen. his name is connor. it is nice to be seen.

[dayseternal-blog]

Hello DAYS8!

If you didn't know this will be the 4th question/rec I will have for you!

I only noticed this on NightOwl's story but I do wonder if you ever made a Naruhina recs centering around stories where it's narrated on Naruto's Perspective?

Now, now don't look at me like that okay? I do love when the story is in Hinata's perspective most of the time but reading fics where Naruto's the one feeling it and seeing the story unfold is a one of a kind thing and I know there's only a few stories or fics you will think of about this one. But I do hope you can find some fics though, I'm kind of craving for such fics these days.

I'm rooting for you to find a LOT hehe! Thank you DAYS8 and....

Please pray for me to finish my naruhina one shot! TT~~~TT Lol!

I hope you finished your one shot! Especially since it's been over a year since you sent this 😅

I don't know what face you're expecting from me? I love writing Naruto's perspective. A lot of other people do, too...

I think you're referring to

"Weird Hinata" by @nightowl27-writer - Rated E, Canon-Divergent AU, One-shot. Naruto thought Team 8 was out on a mission, so why is Hinata here in the middle of the night? And what is up with her new mission gear? How did she get a key to his place? Is she getting naked!?!? Who is this weird Hinata!?

I love that one! If you haven't read these yet, I think you'll love them, too, because they have that "Naruto feeling it" aspect you mentioned:

"Casual Touches" by @lunawrayth - Rated M, Canon-Divergent AU, Multi-chapter, Complete. It's the casual touches that do it.

“Misfired Attempts of an Uzumaki” by Transient Joy - Rated T, Canon-Divergent AU, One-shot. Happy Birthday Hinata! In an attempt to celebrate Hinata’s birthday, Naruto causes havoc along the way. At age 5 he pushes her down a hill, at age 9 he almost poisons Hinata and gifts her weeds, and age 13 was a failure. Can Naruto make it right this time? Or will everything crash and burn in it’s wake?

Chapter 32 from “Between the Trees” by @utsus - Rated T, Canon-Divergent AU, One-shot. NaruHina Prompt: (because it was hot as heck here today) how about NaruHina and bathing suits.<3

“Call Her Mine” by @peppercornpress - Rated G, Canon-Divergent, One-shot. Post-war NaruHina one-shot. Naruto is NOT oblivious in this.

“The Red Scarf” by peppercornpress - Rated T, Canon-Divergent, Multi-chapter, Complete. Just two people who realize how they feel for each other. That’s it.

and not to be conceited, but I think you'd like the ones I wrote if you haven't read them yet:

“Nightdreams” - Rated E, Canon-Divergent, Multi-chapter, Complete. Naruto and Hinata find comfort in each other after the war.

“Tell Me of Forevers” - Rated T, High School AU, Two-shot. Delinquent Naruto is trying to change himself for the better.

Mostly/Only Naruto's POV

“Heart-Shaped Sticky Notes” by the point - Rated T, Canon-Divergent AU, One-shot. Naruto’s life had always been spontaneous, always going and doing something. It’s good, then, that Hinata’s able to give him some stability in the little notes she leaves for him. But one day, there is no note. Suddenly, Naruto’s life doesn’t make sense.

Untitled for NHMonth 2015 Day 5  by @flowerslut - Rated G, Canon-Compliant (?), Short one-shot. Prompt: Laughter.

Untitled for one-wayward-girl by flowerslut - Rated G, Canon-Compliant, Short one-shot. Prompt: Naruto seeks out Hinata after the fight with Pein.

“Flipped” by @cajuncherrybee - Rated G, Canon-Divergent AU, One-shot. In which Naruto is the blushing mess and Hinata is the oblivious one.

“Common Side Effects” by katarinahime - Rated E for a lot of things, Crime/Modern AU, Multi-chapter, Incomplete. Naruto and Hinata, in a struggling relationship, must confront the pain inside before they can love each other.

“Music” from “Naruhina Week 2017” by @hinatamyqueen - Rated T for language, Modern AU, One-shot. It’s Sakura’s birthday, so as per tradition, she gets to force Naruto and Sasuke to do whatever she wants to do.

Untitled by @jadeandonyx - Rated T, Modern AU, One-shot. Prompt: 4. teacher/single parent au + 5. one night stand and falling pregnant au

“The Forever Girl: Naruto’s Story” by @cherryjutsu​ - Rated G, Soulmate AU, Two-shot. The feeling of watching everyone around you grow old and die, while you stay young, is something that can never be forgotten, that is, until love finds you.

“The Ramen Booth” by @chloelapomme - Rated E, College AU, Multi-chapter, Ongoing. Years have passed since her unanswered confession in intermediate school, since his humiliating hazing incident in high school, since blossoming popularity drew their attentions away from each other. Yet time has only sharpened friendship into painful longing, even as their time runs out with the approach of the university fundraiser. Can 7 Minutes in Heaven at a crazy flat party be enough time to clear the air between old best friends?

"In-laws" from "Some Type of Love" by chloelapomme - Rated E, Modern AU, One-shot. "Boy, I'm tryna meet your mama on a Sunday Then make a lotta love on a Monday"

"Thunderstorm" from "With You in the Future" by chloelapomme - Rated E, Canon-Compliant, One-shot. Naruto fought against the odds for most of his life. However, today, he goes where the wind decided to lead him; Hinata’s arms. and "Dirty Little Secret" and "Promises" from WYITF

"August - Cultures/Around the World" from "Still Falling For You" by chloelapomme - Rated T, Modern AU, One-shot. "Diversity is not about how we differ. It is about embracing one another's uniqueness" - Ola Joseph

“Powerless” by bunny-hoodlum - Rated E for a lot of things, like depictions of violence and character death. Multi-chapter, Incomplete. His family’s past can’t be taken at face-value, and it comes clawing back to hurt him in ways that are out of his control.  DELETED FIC.

A good deal of "Postscripts" by WaterRolls is in Naruto's POV - Rated T, Canon-Divergent / Various AU, Series of unrelated one-shots. Mostly humor but will have occasional drama. Slice of life, romantic fluff, family bonding, what-ifs, AUs, angst.

"Permission to Engage" by WaterRolls - Rated T, Canon-Compliant, One-shot. Our romantic leading man tries to propose, but things just don't go the way he plans.

"Resolution" by WaterRolls - Rated T, Canon-Compliant, One-shot. On a mission with Sai and Rock Lee, Naruto reflects upon his relationship with Hinata, then a brush with death and an encounter with a stranger leads him to make a decision.

WaterRolls writes a lot in limited 3rd Naruto's POV, so go through her profile.

"Lessons" by utsus - Rated T, College AU, One-shot. Prompt: Class president Hinata and delinquent Naruto.

“Chapter 5″ from “Between the Trees” by utsus - Rated T, Canon-Divergent, One-shot. Prompt: Can u do an angst prompt where hinata gets rlly hurt and naruto gets rlly mad and ends up crying in front of the kids? maybe an old enemy please?

“Chapter 6″ from “Between the Trees” by utsus - Rated T, Canon-Divergent, One-shot. Prompt: Can you do one where they are in battle can be sometime before they have kids or after but hinata is close to dying (still survives) and naruto freaks out and tries to help her u know what I mean??

Several one-shots of Between the Trees by Utsu is in Naruto's perspective.

“Day 22: Technology” from “A Love Story Like Never Before” by @journalsofagoddess - Rated T, Canon-Divergent, One-shot. It was the same feeling he always got when she left on missions. He felt useless that he wouldn’t be able to be by her side to protect her from everything and anything. But he was here now and he wouldn’t let anything hurt her. He promised.

"Drunk in Love" by @wickermayne - Rated E, Canon-Compliant, One-shot. Naruto and Hinata's wedding night.

"Fill" by wickermayne - Rated E, Canon-Compliant, One-shot. “I was thinking, Naruto-kun, now that I’m fully settled in, living with you…I was thinking that we should try.”

VulgarAssassin/Wickermayne writes a lot with mostly Naruto's pov, so if you don't already read his stuff, you should! Mostly smut.

“Tainted and Possessed” by cafrye017 - Rated E, Demons/Angels AU, Multi-chapter, Incomplete. Naruto, enslaved by the Sanctified for his Forsaken blood all his life, learns that he holds a power great enough to one day change the system, but he’s not on this journey alone.

“101 Ways to Make Hinata Hyuuga Faint” by Keidra369 - Rated T, Canon-Divergent AU, Multi-chapter, Incomplete. Naruto finds out early on in the academy that he has an amazing talent. He can make Hinata faint! Now he is determined to find all the ways to make her faint. Starts in academy years and ends sometime in their married life.

“Picture Frames” by Forever_in_Your_Heart - Rated T, Canon-Divergent, One-shot. They say it’s healthier to give up, but he is Uzumaki Naruto and he never gives up. (Can’t. He can’t, not this time)

Untitled by @jadeandonyx - Rated T, Modern AU, One-shot. Prompt: 4. teacher/single parent au + 5. one night stand and falling pregnant au

“If You Said You Loved Me” by destiny’s sweet melody - Rated T, Canon-Divergent, One-shot.  Naruto begins to realize he took her feelings for granted and now he’s too late.

“Ravenous” from “NaruHina Month December 2022” by @sessakag - Rated E, Modern AU, One-shot. “Hinataaaa,” Naruto pouted, leaning inside the open bathroom door, “you ready yet? I’m starving!” and "Can You Read My Pain?" and "Turning Point" and "A Drunk Mind Speaks a Sober Heart" and a bunch of others in NHM2022.

Sessakag also writes a lot in Naruto's pov. If I go through linking every one-shot, I'd be here all night.

“Down the Rabbit Hole” by @vegebulsoup - Rated E, Modern AU, One-shot. Despite his protests, Jiraiya takes Naruto out to a hostess club for his birthday and it’s not quite what he expected.

That's a lot and there's way more, but I'm kind of tired now 😅 in any case, if you've read the people who are active here on Tumblr, including my own stuff, you'd find a lot of NaruHina fanfics with limited 3rd Naruto's perspective.

Happy reading!

[snapscube]

hey big fan of your channel and art!! was wondering if for the midnight snap series what kind of sound design you were doing it rlly sounds nice!! (also smth that could be nice with it is maybe a little bit of like tape saturation or something might be able to make the audio sound "warmer" if youre like not already doing something like that already, but you probably know better than me!!) feel free to ignore that, but wanted to say in general its so well done and sounds so good!!! its really cozy and nice!!

hey thank you!!! yeah i'd.... genuinely LOVE to talk about my thinking and approach behind the sound design, i'm actually so happy you asked me this LOL this is the kind of shit i live for.

you might assume that it's just me recording the game audio and talking quietly with my normal stream settings, and that is kinda how it STARTS, but there's actually a bit more i've been doing behind the scenes :) nothing too crazy just yet but a little goes a long way when it comes to sound! i'm hoping to really nail down the soundscape and increase the quality over time and specifically up the soothing vibes by a lot. as well as get a little better about mic etiquette and my style of speech. BUT in terms of what i'm doing in post:

the first piece of the puzzle and definitely one of the most important sauces in the whole mix is the Hard Limiter. it does what you might imagine it does, basically just places a hard barrier and says "any sounds that exceed this volume.... no you don't", sort of like a much more intense compressor. currently i have a Hard Limiter on both my commentary AND the game audio, commentary i have set to peak at around -15 to -12 db, whereas game audio is more around the -23 to -20 range. in my more polished audio from later in the AC episode it's enough difference that one doesn't drown the other out in most cases, but not a wide enough gulf that people are struggling to pay attention to one in particular or have to frequently change volume (preferably they don't have to change it at all!). i took this screenshot of the episode's complete waveform when rendering out the audio-only version of AC part 1 and it was super satisfying cause like.... yeah. this is exactly the kind of waveform read i was going for. just super even and smooth across the board, save for a couple anomalies i'll buff out over time.

the next thing i do to both my own commentary and the game audio is actually just cutting down on harsher, higher frequencies with an EQ and just upping the bassier, warmer tones. i started with something super small in the first couple of episodes, i'm probably gonna go a bit harder on it for future stuff though. i wanna find a balance that doesn't make the game sound unrecognizable or anything but is noticeably easier on the ears and sounds more like a nice rolling wave rather than beep boop pac-man time.

past this i have a couple more things added to the commentary track:

to intensify the previous effect mentioned and cut down on harsh frequencies in my speech, i actually have a dedicated de-esser on my voice as well as my usual warmer EQ. i have the de-esser going pretty hard too, you might hear the difference from my usual stream commentary if you were to listen closely. really just taking those harsh t's and s's in my speech and making them sound more like a nice "shhhh", this one is super important i think

last thing i have to speak on otherwise is actually a plugin i found and bought specifically for this show and ends up being subtle but i think SUUUPER helpful in the long run, and that's this plugin called "spiff". spiff is a plugin by oeksound and i guess it's referred to as like, a transient editor? i'm actually not sure how it works at all on the nitty gritty level BUT the important thing is that they have a very important preset in the software, and that is a preset specifically designed to lessen and/or remove like... mouth sounds. yknow like lip smacks and the like. just kinda the gross smacks and clicks you don't hear as much in normal speech but can come through really intensely on a recording and kinda make ya uncomfortable. it obviously doesn't remove a lot of the more intense stuff, it's not a magic wand in my experience. but listening to the output of what it's removing on its own makes it REALLY clear there's a lot of little things it picks up and just kinda makes speech more soothing to listen to. not something i'm racing to apply to my normal streams, BUT for a sleep aid series where good audio is key????? 100% worth it, i like it a lot.

anyway yeah that's about it for now! a lot of it is pretty simple in and of itself but it's stuff i've been working at and experimenting with since i first started doing tests for the show and it's gonna be real nice to keep honing this stuff in. also cool suggestion with the tape saturation idea, i might look into something like that! once i nail stuff like leveling and frequency tuning for this show, i wanna look into some fancier ways of making the soundscape unique to this show compared to my normal streams so ideas like that are super helpful!

[judesmoonbeauty]

Ellis Twilight Chapters 11-15 Summaries 🗡

Fan translation only. Not 100% accurate. Please expect grammatical errors. This is an extremely pared down SUMMARY of each chapter. Cybird owns everything. Feel free to re-blog, but please do NOT post my translations elsewhere. The summaries will be uploaded in groups. Additional notes are marked with ***.

Chapter 11

After he kisses her forehead, she doesn't have anymore nightmares. The next morning Ellis comes to her room to take her out for breakfast. Since her leg is messed up she asks him how she is going to get around, and he says not to worry because he has a secret weapon. Kate is gliding in the middle of town on a contraption she's never seen before – a chair with wheels. She had heard of these “wheelchairs”, but they were relatively newly developed to help invalids. Kate is slightly embarrassed of being wheeled around by Ellis, but she let's him anyway.

She asks where he got it from and he said that he remembered how to make one, so he made it just for her. Kate asks if someone he knew had gotten injured, and he suddenly goes to that scary dark Ellis that makes you think he's gonna jump out of your phone at 1 AM and slash at you, therefore giving you a jump scare because you read his route in the dark. He says yes, and Kate realizes that she asked something she shouldn't. She quickly changes the subject and sincerely compliments him and thanks him for making it for her since it's not shaky, the ride is smooth, the chair is comfortable. She can tell he put a lot of care into it and this snaps him back to reality, shocked that she feels such a way about it.

They eat breakfast and Kate asks if it's okay to be skipping work. Ellis says it's alright because Jude gave him permission, most likely, since she got hurt while on a mission with Jude, him lending Ellis to her is his way of paying her back for the injury. After breakfast, they spend they entire day together going to parks, looking at things in the store, and the like. Finally, he pushes her up to the top of a beautiful hill, where she feels so happy that she doesn't want to go home. Ellis tells her that they don't have to.

(***The earliest estimated wheelchairs are thought to have been developed in the 4th and 5th centuries, with additional notable years of 1655, 1750 & the 18th Century. However, the basic wheelchair we most commonly use today was invented in 1901. I was just curious myself. Sorry for the history lesson.)

Chapter 12

At twilight, on top of the hill Ellis tells Kate that he'll take her as far as she want's to go. He asks her if she's happy, and of course she is, so much so, that she wants to experience it again and again, and he asks if we shall end it here tonight then? She wonders what he means by that, does he mean, should they go home? She says that next time, she would like to go up and down the hill slowly on her own, and try to learn how to maneuver the wheelchair herself.

He smiles and says, then let's go home, and as he pushes her down the hill, she hears hears him sigh what sounds like a sound of relief. There is a flash of the screen and you see the hill at twilight (this is a dream/memory), and it says that like twilight, happiness is transient. Ellis opens his eyes and says he feels like he's having a nostalgic dream.

After he gets up he starts thinking of going to see Kate for breakfast. It has been a few days now since she was injured and this has become a part of his daily routine. When he puts on his necklace he thinks about the bracelet he gave her and how it resembled his jewelry. He never even realized it at the time, but he sees her wear it everyday and he hopes that she likes it. He is happy as long as she is happy. This makes him think.....could this be???

Then he feels the lid of the heavy box holding his desires starting to shift. (I believe at this point his desires in the box become personified.) They say that, in the end, he is very greedy and he says he's not that he just wants to make her happy because she's a nice girl. He decides to hurry to Kate for breakfast and when he reaches her he finds her getting around on her own with the wheelchair. Kate shows Ellis how she's been practicing with the wheelchair, and he breaks into a smile and commends her.

She is so excited as Roger gave her the clear to start rehabilitative exercises, soon she'll be good as new and he won't need to see her everyday anymore. Ellis just says, “I see”. You can tell that he doesn't like that idea LOL. He says that since he's already there today, they should start that tomorrow, and she agrees asking where he wants to have breakfast since he usually takes her to wherever makes her happy. She wants him to be able to relax. He thinks and then says he wants to go to his room, which takes her aback, but ultimately she says yes, because she wants to make him happy and be true to his desires. He's like: Really, are you sure?

Chapter 13

Ellis takes Kate to his room and lifts her from the wheelchair to the sofa, and they eat a large and delicious breakfast. His room faces the forest on Crown's property, it’s filled with natural light, lots of green plants and it smells like freshly washed laundry just like Ellis. Kate feels her heart beating faster and changes the subject saying she is going to start walking around the castle to strengthen her leg, Ellis is silent and just looks at her. (He doesn’t like that.) She calls out to him and he says: Oh, yea that’s great, but just hold my hand for a bit because you may be wobbly and she agrees.

They make it to the common room where Jude, Harrison and Roger are meeting. Ellis asks why Jude is still at the castle since he should be at work by now? They explain Harrison has intel that the kidnappings are still happening even though the case they just worked is closed. He confirmed that all the thugs who were still alive are still in prison, so this leaves on suspect: Jake Grace. Kate is shocked that the jovial and victimized Jake Grace could be the kidnapper, but Harrison quotes Sir Canon Doyle: “When you have eliminated all which is impossible, then whatever remains, however improbable, must be the truth.”

Jude was going to tackle the case alone since Ellis is helping Kate, but Kate wants to see this through and since Roger gave her the clear to start exercises she is given the okay to help. Jude is upset and says that if she dies it’s not his fault, while Ellis says he will protect her. After a few days of information gathering they arrive at Jake’s place - an abandoned house on the outskirts of town. Getting closer to the house they hear music from a gramophone and the cries of children.

Peeking inside are 12 children huddled together begging to go home. Jake arrives and he’s talking to the kids with a jolly countenance and smile, trying to convince them that they will all be part of a grand circus soon! Jude busts down the door and Jake smiles at them too inside of being fearful.

The guy has clearly lost it at this point. Jude walks up to the children and one by one, he puts them to sleep with Kate rushing over to catch them as he does so laying them down gently. Jude is pissed and he turns around to ask Jake if he was going to let them go. Jake is obsessed of getting back his glory days of his circus, and he’s not going to stop trying to reach those days again. He would’ve done anything to make that happiness last forever.

Ellis says that ‘Eternity only starts after time ends. You know that, don’t you?’ Jake finally senses that he's in danger, turns to run to the door, but a black blade to his black brings him down. Tears well up in Kate’s eyes over Jake's death. She knows he’s a sinner and what he did was wrong, she’s just saddened that his obsession with the glory days turned into malice. Ellis looks very sad and says that if he had known him 20 years ago when Jake was at his happiest, he would’ve taken his life then.

Chapter 14

Kate realizes what Ellis said about killing Jake when at his happiest moment, and even though she thinks it’s an extreme idea, it’s better than dying tragically like Jake did, so she can’t disagree with it as there is a dark persuasiveness to it. She's asks what will happen to the children and Jude says they’ll take them to a special wind at the royal hospital. The three of them load the children into the carriage and then Kate notices that Jake is gone. Jude is angry at Ellis and tells him to stop throwing knives into peoples backs, and to find Jake because if not, then there will be a problem.

Kate and Ellis follow Jake’s trail to a cliff where’s he’s pulled the knife out of his back. He’s staggering around like a dazed lunatic, and then starts talking as if he is performing at a circus calling for people to watch his amazing tricks. He takes the black blade and hurls it at Kate, but Ellis grabs her out of the way and it hit the tree instead. Jake cheers that he hit his target without hurting the lady, next he hears a thud and it’s Jude’s saying the show’s over with his sword piercing through Jake. He pulls out his sword and Jake’s body falls silently off the cliff like a curtain quietly closing on an act.

Ellis is still holding her tightly and clings to her saying that was scary. His heart is beating rapidly and he tells her not to let others kill her on their own without her being at her happiest. He also tells her to never leave him and to always have her hands tied to him. Kate says she won’t leave him and then Ellis let’s go realizing that he’s acting on his desires and apologizes for saying something weird. Ellis leaves and then Jude walks past Kate saying that she didn’t heed his advice of not letting Ellis get clingy. Well, she couldn’t care less because Ellis' happiness is all that matters.

Ellis & Kate have hot milk back at the castle and Kate notices that Ellis’ smile has been empty since the cliff incident. He says they should plan to do something fun and she suggests a horror house she sees in a newspaper add on the table. The next day, she, Ellis and Harrison all go together. Harry thinks it’s awkward for him to be there, but Ellis wants Harry to watch him. Apparently, Harry isn’t good with horror either.

They enter the horror house and there is a sign that suggests groups should hold hands because it’s so dark you can’t see in front of you. Ellis suggests Kate holds Harry’s hand and they’re both like: huh? Kate declines and walks on her own. She gets scared and shrieks at everything. Harry who is near the murderous dark Ellis calls his name, but Ellis doesn’t hear him, so he touches Ellis and Ellis snaps out of psycho mode. He asks if Kate is near him and he says no.

Premium Story

Kate’s all on her own and gets to a point where she is lost. She’s scared and is reaching with her hand in the darkness, soon Ellis comes and grabs her wrist scaring her. He holds her tightly, saying he's glad he found her and he wishes he held her hand from the start. He apologizes to her and as if it offer his penance, he kisses on her eyes, temples and cheeks. Which confuses her because he barely made eye contact with her earlier. With each kiss his embrace becomes stronger and stronger to the point that she speaks up. He let's go of her and then apologizes, he entwines his fingers with hers and they head for the exit saying they should stay like this until they reach the exit.

She asks where poor third wheel Harrison is at and Ellis says he is probably waiting for them at the exit. Kate apologizes her being so much trouble since she was just trying to help Ellis by distracting him with the horror house. She says she wanted to take away his melancholy the way he did by taking her up the hill in the wheelchair. He goes silent, squeezes her hand and when she calls his name, he says that if she says that to him then he won't be able untie her hands. After they reach the exit, they meet up with Harrison who ends up leaving them alone. 

Chapter 15

The scene opens to a dream/memory on the hill again: You loved to run. He said he wanted to go everywhere, chasing the twilight, laughing that he wanted to travel all over the world. He was happy to be anywhere. No matter where you are or what you are doing. If only I could be with my loved ones all the time. “I'll leave you here if you keep talking like that.” I don't want to. Don't go anywhere. “I'm not going anywhere”.....”Are you satisfied?” - Dream/Memory ends.

Ellis and Kate get caught in a rainstorm, he let's go of her hand, and puts his jacket on her and pulls her close. Everything he does makes her feel sweet and tingly and she thinks that she's happier now than the day she told him she was so happy she could die from watching the play she wanted to see. Back at the castle, he takes her to her room and asks if she's cold, she says she'll be fine once she dries off and says he needs to dry off too. He treats it as if his well being is no big deal, but Kate protests that and she invites him to her room to dry off. Inside her room, she hands him a towel, as he stands near the thinly opened door. He dries himself off after unbuttoning his shirt.

This embarrasses Kate and she looks away, but soon homeboy is untying the lace to her blouse and then wiping her off. This sends her mind and heart into overdrive, she knows that this is probably not a big deal to Ellis, but when his fingertips graze her skin she let's out an,”Mmmm”, noise accidentally. Ellis' hand stops and she feels bad for letting her voice slip, then she confesses that she's in love with him. She turns and faces Ellis and his eyes have more heat to them than usual, so he asks her if that means if she wants to be his lover?

She nods yes. He asks if she would be happy if she was? He comes close to her and her back hits the wall, he's trapped her against the wall with her arms. She stares at him intently as she doesn't want to miss any of his emotions, expressions or desires. She wants to know everything there is about Ellis. He says, “Fine. Shall we be lovers?” This doesn't sit well with Kate, so she asks him how he feels about it? Does he want to be her lover? She asks, “If you kiss me now, is it because you want to?”

Ellis silently gulps. She says that if he doesn't then she doesn't want it. She continues that he told her to stay with him and not untie her hand from his, and she thinks that this must be what he truly feels, so if she's wrong then he just needs to say so and she'll give up. Well, this triggers him to cover her eyes with his hand. He says he's sorry for telling her not to leave him or let go of his hands since all his feelings are selfish. She can't see him, but she felt that he must've had an anxious expression on his face. She tells him it's not selfish.

“That's not good enough. Since he's sure he'll make her unhappy. Until I make you the happiest you've ever been, my desires must be bound. So... I can't tell you right now that I like you.” He asks her this question, “If you were destined to despair tomorrow, would you want to make the present an eternity? Or suffer from a happiness that you can never get back like Jake, and go crazy? Would you want to live then?”

She recognizes that this is an important question to him, but she tells him she doesn't know since she can't think straight. He let's go and says sorry, and dons a dark unreadable smile saying he's in trouble since he wants to make her happy, but doesn't know how to and that he needs some time and leaves the room. Kate searches for Jude and finds him in the palace library, and he tells her to leave him alone because he's busy, she ignores him says that she wants to know what the purpose behind Ellis' kindness is?

He says she finally got into trouble and is scared now, but she says that it's different, she wants to know why he is so obsessed with making others happy, but kills his own feelings. Jude's businessman persona takes hold and asks what he gets for giving the information? Noting that his eyes are looking at her as if counting the gains and losses, she says she will a fair price for the information. He snickers, “He wants to kill you at your happiest moment. He want's to take the happiest moment of your life, kill it, and make it last forever. That's what he's after.”

[Next] [Previous] [Master List]

[stevetonyisendgame]

It’s the fifth day of work reveals for A Second Chance: A Steve/Tony Endgame Mini-Exchange and we have 12 fics and 1 artwork today!

Thank you to all participants - we’re so excited to share all these beautiful gifts with you! Enjoy and remember to leave kudos/comments for our hardworking creators to show your appreciation!! ❤️

A reminder to our dear creators that you can change the publication date of your works now that they have been revealed, so that they appear on the first page of the tags.

Let’s Stay a While for geekymoviemom | ART - M

Some one had to return the stones just with a little company this time around and hopefully a little less chaos. They’d dealt with a life time supply of crazy already as it was if you asked Steve.

2. Sound the Reveille for AirlocksandAviaries | FIC - 2.1k, T

Steve wasn't in denial about his feelings toward Tony but they weren't something he expected to confront on the battlefield, either. Then Tony put the gauntlet on and snapped his fingers, and Steve thought he wouldn't get another chance.

3. don't fear our futures and dreams for captainstars | FIC - 8.9k, T

“Do you accept this chance, Steve Rogers?” There is no trace of laughter in the Keeper’s voice now, only grave formality. “I do.” For the first time since Tony had looked at him in that long-ago-2012 and asked you trust me? and Steve had replied without hesitation, Steve feels completely sure in the choice he’s making. During his journey to return the Infinity Stones, Steve discovers to his horror that Tony is in fact, not dead, but trapped inside the Soul Stone. The Keeper grants Steve one chance to save Tony. He takes it.

4. ever be afraid to say for captainstars | FIC - 1.4k, T

Steve sees it happening a moment just before it does, Tony snapping on the Gauntlet and facing Thanos head-on, eyes bright and ever-defiant. And Steve—Steve’s heart falls to his feet. No.

5. Once More for the First Time for Neverever | FIC - 4.1k, G

It was like clockwork. Get together, do a mission, part ways. Steve wondered what would happen if he asked Tony to stay.

6. Zero to One for lomku | FIC - 2.8k, T

Steve returns the Stones, comes back to 2023, names Sam the successor to Captain America, and sets off on his bike. Life is transient, and grief is all-encompassing, until Steve starts dreaming of Tony every night.

7. you are all I was hoping for for Areiton | FIC - 4k, T

His life had been so much emptier without Tony in it, and he missed him. He missed him so much that he felt better being in his company for even a little while.

8. way to a father's heart for robertdowneyjjr | FIC - 6.8k, G

Steve loves kids, and kids like him. He’s never met one who hadn’t immediately taken a liking to him. He’s good with kids. At least, he thinks he is. But these are Tony's children, and that fact alone makes all the difference in the world. He needs to make sure that he gets along with them. Otherwise, he can kiss his chance to be with Tony goodbye.

9. Right Where I Belong for This_Is_Captain_Handsome | FIC - 1.8k, G

After Endgame, Steve struggles with Tony's injuries. Will he ever recover?

10. Here To Stay for wingheads | FIC - 5k, M

Steve visits Tony (not unscathed but alive) in his cabin, post-endgame, and stays there longer than intended, because they have so much to do and because Tony never tells him to leave.

11. A New Vision of the Future for Thahire | FIC - 3.8k, G

Natasha watches Steve and figures out he's watching Tony - a lot. She watches it all become a mess and watches as Steve never stops pining.

12. Momentum for Thahire | FIC - 6.9k, M

He had said “resentment is corrosive.” He had shaken Steve’s hand, had nearly said more. He wanted to say more, but what was left to say? “Resentment is corrosive and I hate it, but I still feel it, and also I feel a lot of things about you and I don’t know how to untangle them all?”

13. Darling, let’s run for IronChantress3000 | FIC - 1.7k, G

Now, if I were a supersoldier, where would I go? Tony quickly scanned the doors with his glasses for Steve. He spotted his figure behind the door labeled Margaret Carter, Director. Of course. Where else would he be? Tony thought wryly.

Creator reveals will take place tomorrow on June 21st! Get excited to see who created these awesome works!

[thestagsheadsblog]

Seeing you again

Pairing: Robert "Bob" Floyd x Reader, Childhood Friends

Word Count: 2.3k

Chapter 1

"This place is a meat market."

Your first impression of The Hard Deck was not altogether positive. The ratio of men to women was much higher than any normal bar in San Diego. The place was charged with masculine bravado, momentarily hyper-focused on you and your sister as you walked through the door.

"I know, isn't it great?" Emily said as she made a beeline for the bar.

You sighed and followed her, trying your best to ignore the looks thrown your way by any number or sailors and pilots still in their uniforms.

You were new to San Diego, the city your younger sister has called home for several years. Fresh out of your doctorate, you got your first real job on the west coast and this was a new beginning. Having your sister local is a bonus- sometimes- and she claims to know all the 'best' spots in the city to meet people. Always the more adventurous of the two, places like The Hard Deck enthralled her with possibilities. You on the other hand, were overwhelmed the moment you walked in.

At the bar, Emily was quick to strike up conversation with a pair of ensigns who were happy enough to pick up her (and your) tab.

"The best part about this place," Emily said into your ear over the 80's hair band ballads coming out of the jukebox, "is that you almost never need to pay for your own drink! Just don't put your phone on the bar!" She pointed to a sign by the taps warning patrons that such an offense could lead to a round for every other customer in the establishment. "I don't think I can flirt our way out of that tab!"

You smile and thank the ensigns for your drink. They're polite enough, and you have to admit that the uniform does make even an average looking man seem much more attractive, but military men have never been your type. The idea of someone else's transient career dictating where you should live and for how long was not appealing, especially after breaking your back to get your PhD these past several years. No, these men might be handsome and charming but they weren't for you.

Emily hopped off her stool, drink in hand. "We're going to play darts! Want to join?"

You made your excuses - bad eyesight, didn't bring your glasses - Emily pouts but is happy enough to show off her competitiveness without her sister holding her back. The ensigns gladly follow the 'fun' sister to the dart boards.

The bar continued to fill with servicemen and women of all ranks and you entertain yourself in people watching, no shortage of rowdy antics erupting from military clientele blowing off some steam. You were watching a group of pilots around a pool table when one man turned around and you're struck with an inkling of recognition.

It's been years...no, decades? but you're certain it could be him - as certain as you could be when you haven't see a person since they were 12. The eyes, the smile, the glasses - the striking resemblance to his dad. You dug your phone out of your purse, careful to keep it on your lap and not place it on the bar. You opened Facebook and searched his last name and he popped up as one of your 'friends'. When this invite was sent or received you can't recall, probably initiated off-hand at the suggestion of an algorithm. When you clicked through you scrolled down a sparse profile of mostly birthday posts from friends and family and find a tagged photo from 2014 at what appears to be at the Naval Academy. The man in the white uniform matches the pilot across the room and you're dumbstruck at how small the world is.

"You know, they won't bite if you want to talk to them," the man immediately beside you at the bar said.

You glanced over at him in surprise and then blushed furiously when you realized he thought you were ogling the pilots at the pool table.

"They're a great group of guys - and girls," he said with obvious affection. You wonder briefly if he is their superior. "Friendly - mostly...especially to civilians."

"Oh no, I'm not..." you stammered, trying not to look like a desperate voyeur on the hunt for a uniformed hook-up. "I just thought I recognized the man in the glasses. Is his name Robert?"

"It is!" the man confirmed. "Lt. Robert Floyd. You know him?"

"Used to," you smiled. "He grew up on my street but my family moved away when I was in middle school and we lost touch."

The man returned your smile. "Bob in middle school...that'd be something to see."

"He goes by 'Bob' now?" You almost laughed. The name seems inappropriate for your childhood friend, but you suppose you're both in your late 20s now and he isn't a kid anymore.

"Both as his first name and as his callsign," the man said. "He's one of the best F-18 weapon systems officers in the Navy. A Top Gun graduate. Suppose a lot has changed since you last saw each other?"

"Just a bit..." you said off-handedly. You watched your old friend concentrating on a shot at the pool table, trying to imagine him in a fighter jet.

"I'll re-introduce you," the man beside you made to get up, but you quickly stilled him with a hand on his arm.

"No, please! That's not necessary." The twinkle in the man's eye told you that he wouldn't let you step away from this serendipitous occasion without talking to the pilot across the room. It would be less awkward to pretend you ran into him on your own and not be introduced by a man who saw you ogling him in secrecy. "I'll go say 'hi'".

You finished your drink in one gulp and gathered your courage. You glanced over at Emily who was still occupied with her ensigns before snaking your way through the throngs waiting for service at the bar and into the pool area. Your social anxiety nearly got the best of you when your old friend turned around and you were suddenly face to face for the first time in nearly 20 years. No backing out now. Recognition flickered across his features as he took you in.

"Robbie Floyd?" you asked with a polite, inquisitive smile, hoping to God he recognizes you in turn and saves you the embarrassment of explaining how you know his name.

"Y/N?" your smile was matched tenfold bringing on a wash of relief. "Is that really you? It's been forever!"

You nodded and you both stepped into an awkward shuffle where neither of you were certain whether you should shake hands or hug or just not touch each other. You finally settled on a brief hug and you were struck by the physical differences between the two of you now - once of a height, now he was so much taller.

"It's good to see you," he said, stepping away. You noticed a blush creep up his cheeks and suddenly you see a bit more of the boy who used to live on your street and built forts in your backyard.

"Good to see you too, Robbie," you smiled.

"Robbie?!"

You were both suddenly aware that you had an audience in the other pilots at the pool table, who had paused their game to watch their colleague interact with this stranger who emerged from the ether.

"You go by Robbie now?" one of the pilots - a tall blonde who was exactly Emily's type- laughed. "Since when?"

The group's attention focused back on Robbie - Bob - as he composed himself. "We, uh, me and Y/N," he introduced, "we grew up together. Everyone used to call me Robbie back then."

You gave an awkward little wave to the pilots who inspected you from around the table. "We haven't seen each other since we were 12," you offered by way of explanation, "so I guess you're called 'Bob' now?" you asked, looking at his badge.

Bob nodded as the blonde pilot came around the table and gripped him by the shoulder. "The one and only!" the pilot said with mock sincerity. "Tell us, Y/N, does Bob here look exactly the same as he did when he was 12?"

You recognized the good-natured insults of military personnel. Bob didn't seem to mind when the other pilots laughed at his expense. He was still as affable as you remembered.

"Different uniform from the last time I saw him," you admit with a smile directed at Bob, which was returned with a small shake of his head.

The blonde pilot's eyebrows shot upwards. "Let me guess? Boy Scout?"

"No. Catholic school boy," you said with another apologetic smile to Bob as the pilots erupted in laughter followed by a plethora of jokes about choir boys and priests and nuns with paddles. Bob took it in stride as you silently mouthed 'I'm sorry' before joining in with his and their laughter.

When the laughter died down and the pool game resumed Bob changed the topic to you. "So are you just visiting San Diego or...?"

"No, I just moved here," you said, not missing the fact that he perked up a bit at that news. "You remember my sister Emily? She's been here a few years and I always liked visiting. When I finished my degree and got a job offer here it was kind of a no brainer."

As though speaking her name brought her into existence, Emily arrived right on cue.

"Hey, I was looking for you all over and I find you-" she stopped and stared at your companion. "No way! Robbie Floyd is that you?!"

Before Bob could even confirm his identity Emily threw her arms around his shoulders, his panicked eyes meeting yours as your tipsy sister manhandled him into an overly familiar hug.

"Hey Bob! Leave some for the rest of us!" one of the pilots joked at the scene of yet another woman approaching Bob in so many minutes.

Your sister mercifully released Bob and looked him up and down. "Damn Robbie, looking good. Lieutenant?" she assessed before looking at you. "See what I said about uniforms? Doesn't he look good?"

You swallowed and looked at Bob. Despite what the other pilot had joked, Bob was clearly not a kid anymore by any stretch of the imagination and you were not unaffected by the man in the uniform in front of you. You were well aware that you and Bob were now both adults and that your innocent childhood friendship was a thing of the past.

"He looks great," you admitted, sincerely.

"You look great too," Bob said with a lopsided smile and you know he is telling the truth - he was always a terrible liar - but also because you know you were quite the ugly duckling in middle school. Any improvement on your frizzy hair, acne and braces would be noticed but you weren't too humble to admit that a certain subset of people found you particularly attractive. You were pleased to see that Bob might be in that subset of people.

The potentially tender moment was dutifully ruined by your drunk sister. "Hey remember when you told all the girls in your class that Robbie was your boyfriend?"

Your heart nearly stopped and your social anxiety came ripping back through your body in a cold sweat. You looked at your sister in desperation please don't do this, not in front of him, not in front of them.

At the interested guffaws of the other pilots, Emily continued despite your pleading look. "We went to public school, me and Y/N," she explained, "while Robbie went to St. Ignatius, so there was no way for Y/N's friends to know whether Robbie was really her boyfriend or not. So they grilled her one day on whether she had ever had a boyfriend or been kissed and this weirdo made up a whole story about her and Robbie being in a relationship..."

"I was 11," you reiterated, getting increasingly annoyed with your sister. "We all say a lot of dumb shit at 11."

"You even told me that you two had kissed in the basement!" she laughed and was joined by some whistles from her audience of pilots. You refused to look at Bob to gauge his reaction to your sister's stories but you noticed him awkwardly shuffling his feet from the corner of your eye. "I don't think you ever told me whether that story was actually true or not."

The pool area went quiet in anticipation as all eyes focused on you and Bob.

"Well? How about it Bob?" the blonde interrogated, "Did you get to first base in Y/N's basement? Or was she making it up?"

You finally met Bob's eyes and he looked at you as though he was seeing that awkward, insecure pre-teen girl who would make up stories about the boy down the street to avoid being teased because none of the boys in her class liked her that way.

"We kissed," he said to your sister. "She wasn't making that up."

You exhaled in relief amidst the barrage of hilarity between the pilots and your sister. Bob, the middle school Casanova slash good Catholic boy; the jokes wrote themselves.

When the teasing died down your sister charmed her way into the next game of pool, Bob handing her his cue stick. You were only just coming down from your adrenaline high, thankful for the casual (and much less embarrassing) conversation with some of the other pilots when Bob sidled up to you. "Have you seen the beach yet?" he asked.

You looked out the window where the late summer sun was setting on the horizon. You've been to San Diego's beaches before but not since you moved, and never on North Island.

"Not yet," you replied.

Bob cocked his head toward the door on the far wall leading out to the bar's namesake deck above the beach, a discreet invitation to join him while your sister and the pilots form teams at the pool table. You grabbed your purse and slunk through the crowd to the exit.

Chapter 2

[darker-overlord]

My OCs from different fandoms!

thank u @kindan-no-kanojo for the tag i'm about to be INSUFFERABLE for one full post <3

i wasn't the type to make ocs until last year so it's like 20% actual old ocs and 80% unintroduced dl charas :D it's my personal acc anyway someone HAS to see them before i go insane (they have lore drops tho so just look at the pretty pictures if u don't wanna know (?))

(also using the dividers on the oc blog i'm too lazy to find a cute one >:D)

Diabolik Lovers OC/s (introduced)

Komori Kayo x2 (human and fiend)

we have the babygrills of the blog, kayo and edgy kayo. jk but for ocs i only made like? january of this year i have spent WAY too much time thinking about and drawing them. hunter came first and the loser meowmeow drenched in milk pathetic loser one came after actually :p

i can go on and on about how i designed her appearance in specific but that's for another day :D just know that her blue/yellow color palette is literally a forget-me-not, and hunter's red/yellow color palette is a forget-me-not drenched in blood :D

hunter kayo's "species" is actually called a fiend (a term i just stole from csm LMAO) which is a very rare set of humans that are able to successfully be transplanted with a demonic organ. yes, yui is technically a fiend too in this case.

Lilith

mother <3

in terms of power levels, she's karlheinz on steroids (bc their powers have the same origin but u didn't hear that from me) but she's on another level of psychopathic. was she a demon before she was banished, or did god make her a demon? who knows.

kayo, seiji, and yui's relationship closely mirrors lilith, god, and eve's relationship.

Cecilia Lune

like spring, gone too soon. all that's left are the ashes she left behind.

Jumpscare warning: G*nshin Imp*ct OCs

i censored it bc i can't believe my first ocs were for THIS GAME...

i have a love-hate relationship with the game don't mind <3 i still think back to these three fondly and i'll talk about their lore for a bit cause this is probably the only time they'll see the light of day.

the two sisters are inazuman-mondstadter(?) in blood, but in nationality they're both inazuman, and their visions have inazuman casing. however, maya lives in fontaine and miya lives in sumeru.

Mikoshi Maya (Wandering Princess)

players complaining about too many sweet girls? here's another one!

from the last name, maya is a descendant of mikoshi nagamasa, the human son of the oni chiyo that served the raiden shogun. that part of her backstory doesn't matter to her as much as it matters to her older sister.

maya's a spoiled and lazy child of one of richest businesswomen of fontaine, and she's also a huge hermit. but she has the power to dream of the future, and it always involves someone needing help. even though she's spoiled, she's very kind in nature, so even as a hermit she often travels to help those she finds in her dreams. she's a dancer and has a very pretty appearance so 'wandering princess' is the title she got from traveling the other nations.

ironically, her nickname in fontaine is actually the rumored hermit, from her tendencies to almost never show up. people see her so little some are convinced that she doesn't actually exist.

her future dreams come into play in an interlude quest.

Mikoshi Miya (Transient Swordsman)

mommy. her name's miya bc i wanted it to match with maya

on the surface, she's a kshahrewar graduate who specializes in mechanics, and she specifically works on machines that can bridge the gap between vision holders and non-vision holders. she's pretty relaxed and sisterly, but at first she seems almost drawn in on herself.

in her past, she was trained as a swordsman by her father, a mikoshi himself. she was considered the greatest prodigy for her time, and she was 'destined for great things'. this was for a specific job that would need way too long to explain but related to this job is the fact that they're a bit of a problem for the fatui. this, and her mother's relationship to the fatui, culminated in someone attempting to subdue her mother with a very special fire made from delusions. however, they mistimed the mission, and instead caught a young miya and her father in the crossfire, which lead to her father's death and miya's hatred for the fatui and for visions.

no matter how much people told her that she was a once in a lifetime swordsman, and how her skill was almost completely unmatched, miya gave up swordsmanship. her skill never saved her father.

miya is intelligent, and always liked making gadgets (her first creation was a mechanical train set at the age of seven), so she instead focused her efforts on helping non-vision holders, including herself, by studying at the akademiya.

miya only gets her electro vision in her story quest, where she confronts her father's killer. she also decides to take up a sword again because of the quest :D

Irina (Witch of Thorns)

mother. that's my name yes but it kind of fits her. i go by yna anyway so i don't really see myself in her JFKJFSD if miya's past seems like a lot this woman has a whole document just about her lore......

to summarize, she's actually gold/rhinedottir's "accidental" creation, something too long to talk about but trust me on this. she's her first child in that regard, and rhine actually tried to raise her like a regular daughter.

they got separated in the cataclysm and irina ended up in mondstadt, which lead to her considering herself a mondstadter. fatui shenanigans happen with dottore and she changes her original appearance to become the witch of thorns, a witch specializing in an artificial flower with medicinal properties. she changes appearances every other decade and pretends she's the daughter of the last witch of thorns, all the way to the present.

miya and maya are her very real daughters though. maya resembles her true appearance more, while miya resembles how she was when she was younger.

(i also have two men who work under irina, yuuya and a runaway adeptus but their lore is like wayyy shorter than the three and these gi ocs are already taking up way too much of the post...)

Diabolik Lovers OCs (unintroduced)

HUGE LORE DUMP AHEAD.................... bc i need to vomit it out

Lunar Clan

the descendants of lilith's eldest, nyx.

while all demons are descendants of lilith, there is one uninterrupted line of daughters that are genetically clones of lilith herself. while their appearances do have variation, they all one defining trait: pure white hair. in my lore, white hair is a trait impossible to have if you're a pure founder. the only founders to naturally have this hair color are these clones, who are called lilith's avatars. makes you wonder how carla has white hair, though not purely white. doesn't that make him special?

there can only be one avatar born from a previous one in every generation, and any other child ends up as a regular founder. back then, this line of daughters were the royal family of the founder clan, then known as the lunar kingdom when all kingdoms were comprised of founders rather than the subspecies that arose from evolution.

they were overthrown in an event known as the fall of lunacy, a coup d'état arranged by the final queen, scylla's adviser. despite being overthrown, their connection to lilith and scylla's own sacrifices continued to keep them in an important noble position. their estate is located the closest to lilith's tomb, lilith's resting place, a garden of forget-me-nots the size of a town.

another special trait of the avatars is the ability to control and summon butterfly familiars, all with a unique appearance. they can also take up the butterfly's form.

all avatars are assigned epithets at one point in their lives. in their time as royal family, they were usually assigned their titles post-mortem, but afterwards their epithets tend to be assigned some time within their lives.

in order of appearance and birth.

Lilith ; Queen of the Night ; Lilith herself wasn't technically part of the Lunar Clan, as it only began upon the establishment of the Lunar Kingdom, long after her supposed death. Still, she was given the epithet due to her reign on Old Eden, characterized by her absolute control over all territories, like the all-encompassing embrace of night.

Queen Nyx ; Lunacy's Founder, the founder of the Lunar Kingdom and the first to take on the last name Lune. Lilith's eldest.

Queen Raikou ; The Silent Queen, the longest-reigning queen, second to only Lilith herself, ruling for 700 years compared to an average of 100 years. Her rule was characterized by its stability, though quickly overturned when the event known as the War of the Fallen occurred.

Queen Scylla ; The Children's Princess, the shortest-reigning queen, Raikou's daughter, and the final ruler of the Lunatic Dynasty. Becoming queen at a young age after her mother's death, she followed her adviser's ill-meaning advice due to the widespread famine in neighboring kingdoms, earning the peoples' ire and contributing to the successful coup d'état. That adviser's family became the reigning royal family up until Giesbach.

Zarya and Krone Lune ; The Dawn and the Dusk, a pair of identical twins. They are the first and only case of two avatars being born in one generation. Due to magic being the focus of the Demon World, Zarya's interest in medicine and biology was seen as a disgrace, especially compared to her twin sister, who excelled in magic and swordsmanship. Zarya was later exiled from the kingdom, though was reluctantly brought back upon the beginning of the spread of Endzeit. She managed to quell the disease's spread all the way until her disappearance, just before the War of Prophecy occurred, which trapped all Founders within the Pandemonium and allowed Endzeit to spread rampantly.

Cecilia Lune ; The Spring Bloom ; Zarya's daughter, the end to the line of avatars. Founders' eyes don't reflect light, and merely glow. Cecilia's eyes sparkled like stars. Hated, then loved by the people, who grieved her death for centuries.

She was known as the human among demons.

extra fact: the divider icon is the lunar clan's family emblem:3 it used to represent the lunar kingdom as a whole, but upon the fall of the dynasty it became associated with the former royal family instead.

anyway that's all this has gotten very long <3 thank you again for the tag ;w;

[suspiciousmindsxo]

February 1,2024 John Jansky Insta Post :

Happy Heavenly birthday to Lisa Marie Presley We had talked about tattooing her son Ben's portrait a little over a year ago. Ben had previously taken his own life. She wanted it on her arm. I know you all have heard this story before but here are a couple things you might not know. She wanted it on the top of her forearm but I tried to plant the idea that the inside might be better protected from the sun. Here are a couple layouts that she liked best. I suggested putting cherry blossoms in the portrait. A cherry blossom tattoo holds deep symbolism and can mean different things to different people. In general, it represents beauty, fragility, and the fleeting nature of life. Just like the delicate cherry blossom blooms for a short period each year, our own lives are also transient and precious. Lisa told me that it was Ben's favorite flower and they put cherry blossoms around his casket. I was speechless. She thought it was perfect. We made plans and as you know, she unexpectedly passed before we could make it happen. I am thankful for many things in my experiences that came from my art career. My very short lived opportunities with Lisa were among the top. Tattooing, painting, art like music can be therapeutic and a bridge to bring people close. In a very good way. P.S. Her daughter Riley is releasing her memoirs in September. You pre order them now. Also, Lisa has several albums of her own music out. Check them out.🤘🎂

[pof203]

A Summoner Birthday (to me)

After doing a story for Wakan Tanka's birthday, I should do one for my own.

Sorry if it's coming a little late, I had so many other things to do that I didn't have the time. I must also apologize if this post will be a bit short due to the limits with this new editor, but it's the only way I can save my work without fear of losing it thanks to the automatic save to drafts.

Story (Prologue)

Taking place after Valentine Fantasy: An Eternal Fairyland, Melty Dream with Wakan Tanka∞.

April 22.

Café Asterism has been known to attract all kinds of visitors. Not just locals and Transients, but also certain higher-ups from various Guilds. Tonight was no different.

Here it is.

Bigfoot: And there's Boogeyman.

Good evening, Bigfoot. It's been awhile.

Bigfoot joins Boogeyman at his table as the night's entertainment comes on stage.

Benten: It's the Buzzle Dreamers launch live! So, Ebisu, come sing a duet with me!

Ebisu: We used to sing along with the biwa. Okay, let's do it, Benten!

Bigfoot: I guess you got a message, too, huh?

Boogeyman: No doubt. I got a message this morning about someone wanting to meet here.

???: Well look no further. I'm here!

Hey, yo yo! Alp is in the house!

Okay, just don't over do it.

Alp does his breakdance until the band finishes up. He later joins Bigfoot and Boogeyman at their table.

Bigfoot: I take it you're our mystery host.

Alp: You bet.

Boogeyman: But why call us here at such a time.

You bet. And I kinda need your help with something. Y'know about our boy... Lupin.

Bigfoot: Indeed, we do.

Boogeyman: I teach at the elementary school next door to his school. Why do you ask?

Alp: His birthday is coming up soon. April 27. I wanna do something awesome for his birthday... Especially after what happened.

Bigfoot: What happened?

Alp: Well, during Valentine's Day... I peeked into his dream and saw something private and special to him.

Boogeyman: Yes, I think I've heard of that dream... His boyfriend visted him from what I've heard.

Alp: But he didn't want anyone else to know. What happened in that dream is strictly between him and Wakan Tanka (Infinity). When he found out, Lupin was burning mad at first, but he eventually got over it and forgave me. Though, I still feel a little guilty and I wanna make up for it... And you two are gonna help me.

Bigfoot: And how will se do that?

Alp: I heard you turned Wakan back to who he was before he became an Invader.

Bigfoot: Yes. But it only lasted 24 hours for Wakan's birthday.

Alp: Well, I'd like you to do it again.

Bigfoot: (surprised) Are you serious? I just said it will only last a day.

Alp: But I think I know how to make it last longer... That's why Mr. Boogeyman is here.

Boogeyman: And what do you want me to do?

Alp: I heard about this virtual fantasyland you made with the Crafters.

Boogeyman: What are you sugesting?

Alp: Well, in a virtual world, time pretty much comes to a stand still.

Bigfoot: (excited) Oh, I think I know where you're going with this. In that world, my spell will last a little longer. Maybe even permanent.

Boogeyman: (unsure) Well, maybe not permanent. Wakan Tanka Infinity is not like any Transient we know. That's why the word "Infinity" is in his name. I don't think we'll be getting rid of the other Wakan that easily.

Alp: True. But what else do we've got.

Boogeyman: That's true... (smiling) Alright, why not? Let's try it.

Bigfoot: I guess we can. I already did this for Wakan Tanka's birthday, we can do it for Lupin's.

Alp: Then it's settled.

Not too far, listening in...

Interesting. I wonder what Hephaestus's Guild is up to.

My, are you suggesting we pay him a visit? I've heard about this virtual fairy tale.

Hecate: I've also heard about it from Arachne. She even took part in it... I think we should pay this world a visit.

Hermes: (curious) What do you mean "we"?

Hecate: Are we still not considered married, dear Hermes?

Hermes: We're not on Olympus anymore. But I suppose I can tag along. I'm rather curious myself... But first, I believe I'm on.

Hermes gets on stage and plays the last song of the night.

Also not far...

In your dormroom, you just laid down for bed. Having just finished your nightly conversation with Lil' Solomon, you were ready for bed. As you laid in bed, you drifted off to sleep...

This is...

Heyoka. Lupin, I have established a connection in your dream again.

Lupin: (happy) Wakan! You're here.

Wakan Tanka Infinity: Yes, I am here.

Lupin: I miss you so much.

Wakan Tanka Infinity: I know. Even though the loop may keep us both apart...

Wakan Tanka Infinity: But for now, in this dream world, we are together. It will feel like an eternity here.

Because that is what our love is.

Yes, it is.

You and Wakan Tanka Infinity lie close together.

Wakan Tanka Infinity: If only we could have moments like this in reality. But it cannot be helped. We are always destined to be apart when the time comes.

Lupin: Maybe if you were the way you were before you became this, things would be different.

Wakan Tanka Infinity: If only it were that simple. Bigfoot's spell cannot keep me in that form for more than a day.

???: I think that can be fixed.

Entering the tent... was Alp!

Lupin: (furious) Alp?! Again?!

Alp: I know, I shouldn't be here. But I just had to come to tell the both of you the good news.

Wakan Tanka Infinity: What news?

Alp: In honor of Lupin's birthday, me, Bigfoot, Boogeyman, and the Crafters have something special for you.

Lupin: What is it?

Alp: It's a surprise. Come to the Crafters' workshop, the both of you, on the 27. You'll see.

Lupin: ... We'll try.

Wakan Tanka Infinity: I am rather curious, myself.

Alp: (excited) That's the spirit! See you then.

Alp leaves.

Wakan Tanka Infinity: We still have time before you must awaken. Shall we?

We stay close together and enjoy our time together.

At the Penitenia Academy prison...

... My grandfather senses are tingling... My grandchild is about to do something big.

Balor then notices his fellow member of the school who had a guest with him.

Well, that's the facility for you. Though, I'm not sure why you want to do this. A magic show is hardly appropriate for a place like this.

Well, I need something to do to kill the time until something bigger and better comes along. I thought you could let me perform here. From one cat to another, can you do this for me?

Tezcatlipoca: (still unsure) I don't know. We're all doing just fine for now. Maybe some other time in the future.

Cait Sith: (a bit disappointed) Aww, okay.

Balor: Psst. You two.

Tezcatlipoca: Balor, what is it?

Balor: Well, it about my grandchild.

Tezcatlipoca: (confused) Your grandchild? ... Oh, you Quetzalcoatl.

Cait Sith: Who? ... You mean Lupin? What happened?

Balor: Well... It's sort of hard to explain. I feel that something big is going to happen.

Tezcatlipoca: And you want me to just release you again to check up on him? I don't know. I've been letting you out of your cell too many times already. And we still remember what happened last time.

Balor: (sighing in defeat) I know, I did something stupid over Valentine's Day, but for a good reason. I've learned my mistake... I'm just worried, that's all.

Cait Sith: I can't help but feel that you're right. Lupin's been getting into a bunch of stuff lately. The least we can do is check up on him.

Tezcatlipoca: ... Oh, alright. But I do have a request.

Balor: What kind?

To be continued...

NOTE: Like I said, this came very short. Unless Tumblr announces that the new editor can let us post infinite pictures and stuff in a text post like with the legacy editor, this is just how it is.

[veronika-tserber]

Hello Veronika! How are you doing? I hope you’re great.

I’d like to learn about my progressed sun if the slots are not full yet.

My progress sun degree: Libra 7’32 (natal 10th house)

Thank you for your time. I’m so excited to learn more about degrees, can’t wait for your new posts!

Have a great day ☀️

Hey, Raven! *I really like that name/word, hope you don't mind!* I'm doing fine, thank you. But I'm definitely feeling the Mars/Pluto opposition happening in the sky right now. 💣😅 Thank you for the kind words and for giving me the exact degrees! <3

I am looking at the Symbols for both the 7th and 8th degrees. We round a Sabian after it passes 30 minutes.

Sabian Symbol for 7°♎: "A woman feeding chickens and protecting them from the hawks"

This has been your energy for a while now. Watching over others and oneself. Concerns for safety. Looking after ideas. Responsibility. On a negative note - overprotective and always looking for potential issues. Worrying - again, about your own well-being and that of people around you.

Sabian Symbol for 8°♎: "A blazing fireplace in a deserted home"

Coziness and warmth. A sense of safety. Finding comfort in being alone. A place of refuge. Alternatively - loneliness/isolation. No one is at home.

Gene Key 18 (Judgment->Integrity->Perfection)

"Morally speaking, judgment gets a bad rap in the modern world. We talk about being non-judgemental as though it were one of the highest goals in life. In fact, it is impossible not to judge because judgment is the way in which the human mind thinks. What defines the low frequency of the victim mind is that you identify with what you think — in other words, your judgments define your identity and make you feel more secure. However, if you can make a judgment and at the same time be aware of judging then you are no longer trapped by your own mind, and thus the frequency around that judgment changes."

When you aren't in alignment, you feel JUDGMENT: The need to challenge authority (bonus points since it's in your 10th house of authority figures and the stricter parent). Being attached to your opinions. Being affected by other people's opinions of you. The need to be right. Complaining and feeling like a victim. People misunderstanding you/reacting harshly to what you have to say. Judging yourself. Feelings of inferiority/superiority.

When you are in alignment, you feel INTEGRITY: Understanding your past conditioning - what made you the way you are? Forgiving your parent(s). Developing your own values. Striving toward self-improvement. Accepting imperfection and striving for excellence, instead. Maintaining high standards. Growing up. Being objective - removing the ego attachment to your opinions. Learning to communicate corrections/critique in an impersonal way. Accepting yourself as you are, more and more.

So, all and all, during this transient period (which will end as soon as the Sun moves into 9° 30' ♎), you are called to learn more about yourself, your upbringing, and especially your relationship with one of your parents - the disciplinarian one. This GK could be affecting you at your workplace, and in your relationships with teachers/bosses and co-workers where you could, for example, have some sort of a critique or suggestion to share, but people take it the wrong way. Or you could be the one feeling judged, and wanting to defend yourself.

You might have spent a lot of time in the past worrying about what people think of you (quite normal when you are young), and it's essentially a period of growing up and letting go of unhealthy perfectionism and self-judgments you could've absorbed from your early environment.

"Wherever you see someone living with Integrity, you are seeing someone using the power of judgment in an objective and impersonal way. This is the great Gift of the 18th Gene Key — not to use or take judgment personally, but to learn to judge from your heart. Judging from the heart can never be cruel because true Integrity has only one purpose — to serve the whole in the spirit of truth and compassion."

Your heart is the fireplace from the 8° Sabian - your source of comfort and warmth during this time! It's a stage of healing past hurts, and releasing self-judgment, first. Only a healed person can receive and offer advice/critique to others without filtering it through the lenses of their past pain.

I hope that was helpful!

All quotations are from the amazing book "The Gene Keys" by Richard Rudd. 💜

- Foxbørn

ᴍᴀꜱᴛᴇʀʟɪꜱᴛ 1

ᴄʜᴀʀᴛ ʀᴇᴀᴅɪɴɢꜱ

ᴡᴀɴᴛ ᴛᴏ ʙᴜʏ ᴍᴇ ᴀ ᴄᴏꜰꜰᴇᴇ?

[hospitalterrorizer]

diary15

9/19-20/2023

less exhausted now than yesterday.

i got 5 songs re-mixed today, which puts me at 13/25 (yes there are songs i forgot i had to work on and there's one i added that's out already but i should redo it for like, bandcamp and spotify/whatever (and there's some i'm still not counting because they're pretty simple and honestly i feel like they won't be too difficult)).

today i did get really happy doing all of this at least, i had a breakthrough w/ the guitar processing stuff that's at least gonna help a lot on some of these songs/tones, where i use something that simulates a lossy mp3 and stick it early in the chain, parallel with something, and then use the chime-y sound that it creates, essentially a warbly reactive bandpass with some random elements, and it helps add a sense of real guitar, it also helps un-deaden and de-cotton-ball some of the sounds, but i think i can work on that still. there's an answer somewhere to that problem.

maybe i can go do that now, who knows. i've got some loose time i guess but i should actually let myself relax, all the best ideas come to me when i'm not overworking myself. i think partially the problem is the sound loses a lot of dynamics/transients which would give it more textural shape.

it's also just the nature of distortion. stacking so much makes the sound, i dunno, rounder, or not round, it's sharp, but it's kind of like razor thin in ways. i like the razor part, and i like thin, but i want it to be a little more present, i think that means needing some more low end, it could be a situation where there's two channels, one maintaining the lower end.

also what the hell is up with impulse response cabinet things and them sounding so freaking, i dunno, weak.

whatever. but this is all my life is right now. kinda. tomorrow i'm going to do errands (woo (actually crying but whatever)) and hopefully i'll get to do some of the short songs before i am whisked away.

oh my god i can get post-grunge impulse responses. honestly i could on a lark but honestly no thanks i don't need to fool around with an impulse response based on the guitar cabs the guy from hoobastank uses. what is the point.

there's people who would see that and say they're going to make the most fucked up music ever using that, like a dare, i'm going to be brave and say that i am too good for that. even if i'm stupid and cleaning up a 25 song (+ more) mess. maybe i sound like i hate fun but i just hate what some people treat as fun, or i don't hate it. i just feel bored and frustrated by it cuz it's like, i'm gonna handle trash and act above it and also extol it because x y or z and it's a lame impulse and also i guess gently tied to some weird revivalist bent people can take up.

sorry for bitching and moaning about something that's essentially really specific and dumb.

listening to other fucked up guitar music makes me feel good about where my stuff is at, it's like i can figure out some tiny things and get it where it needs to be. i think as it stands the biggest issue could really be the bass sounds, they still come out a bit loud, which is an easy thing to fix, i just wonder if lowering the db is actually what i should do, but what else, who knows.

vocals also are a bit tough but they always are, you just find where they sit and stick them there, is how i feel about it.

who knows how much longer this whole mixing talk is gonna go on for. it could be my life forever. i don't want it to be, i want to write again soon but my mind is wholly on this, on the communion w/ soundwaves through abstract graphical and numerical means. an extremely material circumstance i think.

i got distracted from my #superimportant diary by a conversation with a friend, it's veered into a discussion of when we've felt insulted by artists people compare us to. the two of us have been burroughs'd by people, and not to say he's a bad writer or anything, but it's not what either of us are going for, and it's interesting how people can be really appreciative of what you're doing or something and vocalize that, and you can sit there and feel, in the wake of someone being really nice to you, and honest with you, and a lot of things i feel like i should appreciate, i am left incapable because of a bad taste. this isn't what happens even most of the time with comparisons, especially with my music. it's always nice to hear what people think. often they feel kind of left field, but good, or they're so left field it's like, i'm glad you got that out of it, but something about how people do it with writing in particular, there's a level of people treating your voice like it's a party trick and a condescension i guess.

it's also such an asshole thing to complain about someone being nice to you, but at the end of everything, it's just whatever, it's a thing. i think i'm allowed to ruminate when it's something that's a strange feature of my life. it's an ugly kind of rock formation i see that isn't a terrible eyesore but it's strange the earth's mantle and crust and everything conspired towards that, and the strangeness not so great and not especially meaningful, you are just put before it and nod at it and think about it later, i guess.

i shouldn't have to justify everything about my life or inside my head but i do i guess cuz i'm cuhrayzzzzeeeeeeee.

when i type like that i feel like i'm actually getting myself across, not in a way where like, i know someone understands, it's just letting something deeper inside out. it's how i actually feel and i guess no one could understand why it makes me feel, i dunno, whatever cluster of things it makes me feel.

i just remembered ryuichi sakamoto's passing, and almost cried, might cry, kidn of crying, crying.

not much to say about it, just a real tragedy, a real legend and genius. i love him a lot.

it's a bad idea to listen to forbidden colors, but i will.

what a perfect articulation of something, that song. i don't know why sakamoto is one of the musician deaths that makes me the saddest, i really do cry over him more than any other, it's not new at all really, it's not fresh anymore and it still gets to me, and he was old, it wasn't shocking really. but i guess we all knew it was coming, those who keep up at least saw the stuff about his cancer. i think it's because his music and how he wrote music represents something fairly singular to me. it's hard to get me to sit and listen to anything classical adjacent, him doing solo piano stuff a lot makes that easier, since i love that anyways, but his particular interpretations of older kinds of music are just really moving. you can sense his entanglement with that music and the will to move past it, the recognition of others, through time.

now i'm thinking about house music. good house music always makes me really melancholy, even if the song is happy, endlessly joyless, really it's the joy that makes me sad, it makes the gulf apparent, i am here and now, and all the parties these old songs were made to keep going and start and end, never even expected me to be there. meaner kinds of dance music are what i end up making, because of that emotional reality. i guess it's not that house is uncomplicatedly happy or something either, dj sprinkles talks about that on an album. it's also where a lot of queer people collected themselves, and partied, but not really escaping a miserable material reality, things like that. the sense of loss and distance and alienation is greater now. only for a night, and in the night, do you and your body join, a question is asked, how long can the night go on for, and a journey starts there, and what are all the ways we can modulate time, and so on, not to escape, but to be embodied, to exit the escpaism that surrounds us at all times (something something the spectacle (which on some level includes dance music, especially now.))

us being general and not localized to queerness, only to the downtrodden, of which there are many.

this is a lame pick, but for these particular emotional reasons/resonances, the song i'm your brother by round one (basic channel basically) is one of the best house songs, it feels like it's speaking to that exactly.

and i guess i'll end this entry with a link to another dance song, colder, not house, but it's a song that perfectly captures how it feels to walk home from work at night, not liberated but feeling liberation on your tongue and that denial, the slim hours you have to live your life, all our desperate existences, and stuff.

byebye !!!!

[qunz1]

please note this is a personal headcanon. it is not based on any true canon, though i take examples from canon for reasoning. please do not steal/sample any part of this for your own canon. i am an individual with borderline personality disorder, so i am acutely aware of the symptoms and stigma surrounding it, and i have done extensive research on this topic. all sources will be linked at the bottom of the post. thank you.

according to the DSM-5, you must meet at least five of the nine criteria (symptoms) listed on this webpage ( click through for full list/explanations. ) below, i will summarize the nine symptoms that i see in harley through various media sources ( i.e. comic books, animated series/films, live action films, etc. ) with the most apparently being bolded for emphasis/further analysis.

affective (emotional) instability including intense, episodic emotional anguish, irritability, and anxiety/panic attacks.

anger that is inappropriate, intense and difficult to control.

self-damaging acts such as excessive spending, unsafe and inappropriate sexual conduct, substance abuse, reckless driving, and binge eating

recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, threats, or self-injurious behavior such as cutting or hitting yourself.

these behaviors might not always be self-damaging; they can also affect other people and/or property.

a markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of yourself

suspiciousness of others thoughts about you, and even paranoid ideation, or transient and stress related dissociative episodes during which you feel that you or your surroundings appear unreal.

split- or “all-or-nothing” thinking, difficulty “pulling” your thoughts together so they make sense, and rational problem solving, especially in social conflicts.

you may engage in frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment

your relationships may be very intense, unstable, and alternate between the extremes of over idealizing and undervaluing people who are important to you.

as listed above, harley hits… basically all of the criteria for a borderline personality diagnosis. It isn’t hard to see these moment’s in action:

her rocky relationship with her family would have created a solid foundation that was only exacerbated by her relationship, and subsequent abuse, at the hands of the joker. it’s also that foundation that would have made her vulnerable to the joker’s tactic to seduce her in the first place, preying on the unstable self-image as a way to draw her in by making her feel loved and giving her affection she desperately desired.

her inability to stray far from him/constantly returning to a situation she might logically know is not good for her, ties into the desire to avoid abandonment at all costs. we see this time and again as she talks herself into the belief that, no matter what he says or does, she believes he loves her, because the alternative is unthinkable.

even after we see her break free of that cycle of returning to abuse, harley’s mental health doesn’t just magically change. in a comic series by jimmy palmiotti and amanda connor, harley visits the joker in prison and nearly beats him to death, which points to the symptom of anger that causes harm to not only herself, but others. there are repercussions for those actions, but that isn’t what’s on harley’s mind, and as much as the joker might deserve anything coming to him in some minds, this isn’t about that; it’s about harley’s mental health and well-being. actively seeking him out put herself in a dangerous position as well ( reckless, harmful behavior toward herself that could result in imprisonment or backlash at the hands of his allies ).

in many iterations of harley, comic and film alike, she is shown to have strange visions and moments of disturbed reality ( i.e. talking to a stuffed beaver and imagining responses, just as one example ). this dissociation is a way to escape the reality of situations she doesn’t want to confront.

these are only a few examples, and i could probably dig through movies and comics all day to pull resources, but this post would be massive by the end of it, so i’ll leave it on this one final note:

i am not a psychiatrist. i do not study mental health, past trying to understand my own mental health issues. as someone who lives with bpd, i see a lot of my own tendencies and thought processes displayed in harley that have made her a character that is very important to me. this is not a projection, but a connection. it isn’t necessary for you to agree with me on this, but i do ask that if you’re interacting with harley/my blog, you respect my headcanon in this matter.

i will also not accept any hate/backlash about bpd on this post or any other. i am not villainizing harley or others with bpd by suggesting it’s something that harley suffers from. i am humanizing a character, who is still going through the midst of redemption in comics and television. harley quinn is a victim of abuse, and the effects that has had on her mental well-being are numerous. while she might be categorized as a villain by most, that’s not what i’m here to do. please respect that, and keep any negative sentiment toward those with bpd far, far away from here. sources: xxx

[awideplace]

Thank you for being so candid about your desire for relationships (of all categories). I'm faced with the same struggle and I think it has broad societal implications. my friendships have all seemed to be transient, like no one values connections today. I have always felt like the one pursuing and maintaining relationships with others who didn't seem to care to put in the same effort. I think back on days before the intrusion of the internet where the average family had a single TV in their home and everyone wanted to be outdoors socializing, meeting new people, making memories. my heart yearns for connection but people seem so calloused and socially stunted from these technologies that have served to isolate and separate us like streaming and delivery services that encourage isolation and deter people from pursuing relationships through constant consumption of entertainment, and even self checkout lanes in grocery stores that remove the human connection element. I am discouraged often and wonder if I'll ever have lasting friendships with even the same sex or be blessed with someone to weather this world with and build a family, but I also see how God used Covid to remind people of the value of community and social settings and I hope I'm not just an optimist in my observation. Sorry for the rant, but in a way it's comforting to know that I'm not the only one who has my hard days concerning this. I've always thought of those who accuse others of making an idol out of desiring connection whether romantic or social a little pious considering they're usually the type to have been blessed to marry young and don't know what it's like from our side of the fence. we were created for other people, we find peace when we focus less on ourselves and prioritize the needs of those we love instead of spending our time looking inward, to say otherwise would be to imply that anything outside of independence is weakness and that is antithetical to the Word. His will be done, if we find ourselves in a season of loneliness, then surely there is something to be accomplished in our hearts, but it is not wrong to want good things. ♥️ many of us are in the same boat, sister

Hey, thanks so much. You've worded things well and how I often think, too - like about the self-checkout lines, hehe. I love human connection as well. I have realized a few things though, I'm overall rather shy - I've always been the quiet girl who observes a lot, loves books, is friendly, but a touch distant. I have been told that I have a guard up, that I'm mysterious (by men), and one of my friends in college sang the line about me "She's a Brick House" - hehe, so the consensus is I'm definitely more difficult to really reach. Even my daughter made a comment a few years ago that I'm not meeting a man because I'm like Belle from Beauty in the Beast and the moment a man smiles at me I look at a book. I also just simply don't always like a lot of people, not that I hate others and I would never bully someone or be unkind, that's so not me as I've actually stood up to bullies even as a child. Rather, I just don't find a lot of people very interesting or perhaps can go very deep or even actually funny...like, actually funny, not crude humor funny which is not funny to me as it's easy to do on a base level and rather unintelligent. I am just not impressed with many people and don't want to waste my time (ouch, that sounds bad, especially coming from someone who is not wanting to be alone so much). Also, I don't use social media. I always was uncomfortable posting on FB and Instagram (this was way back; in 2016 or 2017 I got off social media platforms) and people would always compliment and leaving gushing things about me/my life/my appearance and I felt uncomfortable the compliments being so public. Especially since some of the people didn't even know me that well in real life. I felt so exposed. Also it felt strange that people only saw the highlights of my life, yet I never liked to post negative things either which can also draw attention to oneself in kind of a brooding way. I think I like this platform because it's more for creatives, for writers, for introverts, for those who like cozy-spaces over self-promotion and face-filters. My loneliness is definitely partly created by myself and I know that, and I do long for wonderful people in my life that are encouragers, lovers of God, and trustworthy. I pray this for both you and I, I think it may be rare, but I'd rather wait for what is rare than make compromises and still be longing for so much more relationally. It's a different kind of loneliness when you're with others and really have no deep connection with them or respect for them.

[lovejustforaday]

2022 Year End List - #15

Teen S****de - Honeybee Table At The Butterfly Feast

Main Genres: Lo-Fi Indie Rock, Indie Folk

A decent sampling of: Post-Rock, Emo, Slowcore, Dream Pop, Neo-Psych, Noise Pop, Folktronica

WARNING: Too many potential triggers on this one to make a proper list. It's even in the band name (which I am uncomfortably ambivalent about). If you are going through a very rough time mentally, this could either comfort you or make things worse. Proceed at your own discretion.

So I decided to start off my 2022 year end list with a little bit of back story as to how I discovered the album which ended up placing at number 15. There’s a fair bit of context that I want to explain first, so buckle in.

I have been a big fan of the often underappreciated electro pop / synth pop / trance / chillwave rapper/singer Kitty for a few years now. The unlikely Tumblr girl who rose to semi-prominence as an ‘internet’ rapper  — before such a phenomenon became widespread thanks to soundcloud rap and the rise of music streaming services — has often been ahead of the curve when it comes to fusing pop and hip hop with very online aesthetics and sounds.

Kitty is also married to Sam Ray, a prolific artist who has been making music since at least 2009 as part of nearly a dozen solo projects and bands such as Ricky Eat Acid, American Pleasure Club, The Pom Poms, and of course Teen S****de (not the literal band name, but please bare with me as I try to get this review past the Tumblr and Instagram filters). As part of these projects, Ray has made music that ranges anywhere from indie folk to stuff like ambient, industrial, and even miami bass.

As I follow Kitty's instagram, I was made aware of Sam Ray's hospitalizations last year due to chronic respiratory problems. At one point, his condition was considered potentially life-threatening.

Fortunately, Sam is still alive and kicking. As you could imagine, the events of last year significantly impacted the music on this new record.

I myself had not listened to a full-length release from any of Sam Ray's musical projects up to this point. But I was inclined to check this one out, especially since the man had clearly gone through so much hardship to reach its completion. As an added bonus plus, Kitty also sings backing vocals on some of the tracks, so that’s pretty cool.

Upon listening, I have this to say: Honeybee Table At The Butterfly Feast is not an easy record. It is a folksy, watery, haphazard mishmash of three or more indie subgenres per song, with transient reflections from a man who has come very close to death on (as it turns out) more than one occasion. It is a collection of songs that are tenderly pessimistic, at times embracing something more like a nihilistic bliss (From "complaining in dreams" : "Everything is everything is everything is nothing / And when they finally kill me, I hope at least they make it funny").

Dropping another disclaimer right here: this album is not at all congruent with where I personally am in my life right now. All things considered, I have had a pretty good 2022 (and 2021 for that matter). I am mostly past the messy depressive/anxious episodes that rocked my life in waves between the years of 2017 and 2019, and I have a modestly comforting sense of security in where I am right now with my life.

And yet, this still resonates with me emotionally. I may be far in my current state from sharing the grim outlook that this record maintains almost religiously, but like most good music, it manages to transcend whatever my current mood is and make me feel its affecting pulse in a way that resonates. Several of the songs in particular managed to not only resonate, but access deeper pockets of the emotional faculties in my mind.

“get high, breathe underwater (#3)” is a mesmerizing lament of neo-psychedelic piano folktronica. The piano riff floats somewhere above and around the listener while remaining mostly static, sustained in an awkward stasis that mirrors lyrics describing the feeling of being completely stuck in one’s life position.

“new strategies for telemarketing through precognitive dreams”, apart from maybe being the best song title of the year, is also another major highlight, with compressed lo-fi indie guitars churning and decaying into wounded howls.

The album peaks with "coyote (2015-2021)", a long instrumental trek of slowcore-post-rock through a forest of once-forgotten memories. I imagine myself growing very old over the course of the song, years of life becoming mere footnotes and chapters that are part of a longer story, where I’m the protagonist nearing the end of a tragic young adult romance novel.

“complaining in dreams” is a dreamy lo-fi lullaby, musically not unlike something by The Radio Dept. This one has a particularly defeatist attitude towards the future of humanity, but the words are expressed in a manner so leisurely and whisper-soft that it’s as if these musings are the typical end-of-day thoughts passing through your head right as you fall asleep, only hoping to wake up in some universe completely different from our own current version of reality.

I have to say that not all of this stimulates me musically as consistently and successfully as it manages to resonate with me emotionally. Sometimes I feel like Teen S****de are bringing new ideas and breathing new life into the well-established tradition of ‘slow sad indie with folk guitars and noisy lo-fi’, while other times it feels like this record is paying a lot of homage to those artists in a similar vein that came long before this record, such as The Microphones.

Still, I simply had to include this record on my 2022 list, even if it was a pretty darn close choice for number 15 between this and at least three or four other albums that I ended up omitting. At the end of the day, this one formed a stronger connection with me than those other records. Honeybee Table At The Butterfly Feast is an album meant to be appreciated by the deepest recesses of the right side of your brain, marked with murky paintings of the adult imagination and overflowing with profoundly uneasy sentiments needing to be felt as much as they are heard.

8/10

Highlights: “coyote (2015-2021)”, “get high, breathe underwater (#3)”, “new strategies for telemarketing through precognitive dreams”, “death wish”, “complaining in dreams”, “you were my star”

[nerdskii]

•• LONG BLOG POST ABOUT LIFE KEEP SCROLLING ON BY or read if you want ••

I have bipolar disorder and thanks to years of searching to truly understand myself I know that I have had it for as long as I remember my feelings. I was officially diagnosed with it in 2008 and took medicine for it all the way until 2018. Ten years of hard fought depression and mood stabilization and I really did get better.

But what bar is better measured by? I no longer randomly explode with bottled up emotions; I can process them in real time and I am capable of calmly explaining what I am feeling to another. I can identify when manic mood has set in and know to make no decisions of any consequence during it. Such as spending money, giving away items, or deciding to live or die. I can play a videogame instead but I do very poorly in that state and get enraged so it isn’t best option but I still choose it sometimes. I can’t really focus on reading or watching a show so yoga, meditation, and listening to music while running on my elliptical is nice.

I think about watching my nieces and nephews grow and how much they love me. How I can be useful to my family or things I can arrange or rearrange in my room. I don’t fall into extended manic moods or depressions. In the year 2015 I was depressed for 11 months and spent three or those months manic while working a job. Oh boy! That was a doozy I mostly felt nothing and when I did it was sadness or anger and I developed insomnia as a little treat for my declining mental health. It was difficult but I never quit my bipolar meds and immediately got on an sleep aid/antidepressant combo after four days of being awake and was sorted.

The bar to measure success by is am I current miserable and the answer is a resounding no.

However. . .

I still have bipolar disorder and that my feeling great no passion in my life due to the medicine has led me where I am meant to be. I feel like I truly have achieved inner peace with how I express my love for my family, the acts of service I give freely, that my lack of desire to achieve or experience isn’t bad; it’s Tao.

All that mental suffering and the process of feeling terrible medicine stripped away my ability to emote from me led me here. Like it was supposed to all along. I am a person that doesn’t need passion it made want to die back then. I don’t need to compete it makes me not want to be around other people. I don’t need to do anything but help others and show them harmony is best through being peaceful myself.

I don’t know why I felt like typing that out but it’s kind of the line some of my meditation thoughts take. I couldn’t meditate for peace when my mind decides to attack me if I never got my prescriptions so many years ago in my 20s. We are all in the process of building the foundation tomorrows us will stand on everyday. What may feel like a pebble today will soon be a stone.

Not quitting my medication when I felt down and couldn’t get out of bed and slept 13 hours, not quitting another day when I said, “This is bullshit I am not even happy” as I laid in bed unable to asleep, not quitting when my only thought was “I’m invisible everyone would get over me dying sooner than they think.”

I know no measure for happiness but what I know I am not this body, I am the electricity that powers it. I know that the brain is a powerful computer we don’t really know how to use, it suggests things simply to let you know it’s something you *could* do. I know I am not my thoughts. I know feelings a transient and are only blowing through but eventually they’ll return so I must welcome them and bid them farewell each and every time, even the negative ones.

I don’t know why I am writing this instead of just meditating but I know I felt like a stream cloudy with kicked up silt when I started but now I a peaceful and the stream has cleared. I hope to read this again one day and find some clarity I missed; meaning I’ve grown more wise.

☯️

[glowupmd]

Get Ready for a GLOW-UP with Botox - What to Expect and How to Make It Last!

Botox in Katy is just what you need if you want to lessen the effects of aging without turning to intrusive procedures. Our cutting-edge procedures using pure botulinum toxin type A may help smooth out wrinkles including forehead lines, frown lines, crow's feet, and lipstick lines for a young look that won't quickly fade thanks to the team of skilled medical specialists at Glow Up MD, lead by Dr. Kim.

What to Expect?

Prepare to get rid of wrinkles with Houston Botox. Purified botulinum toxin is injected into specific regions of your face in a quick, minimally invasive treatment. You may anticipate softer skin free of bothersome frown lines and crow's feet after only 10 minutes in the chair and two weeks for it all to settle in.

Little doses of Botox are accurately injected into the targeted muscles by Dr. Angie Kim, MD, using specialized procedures and apparatus so that there is no pain throughout the operation. In order to get the best benefits following your session, make sure you follow any suggested follow-up recommendations given by our medical team. These instructions may include minor swelling or bruising that may be easily treated at home. While we advise checking in often if required, the majority of people who choose a Botox treatment enjoy long-lasting results that last between three and nine months.

Botox Treatment: How Does It Work

Many people choose Botox treatments to help prevent wrinkles from developing. Neuromodulators are injected beneath the skin during the procedure to temporarily block nerve impulses, enabling muscles to relax and resulting in smoother outcomes for fine lines and wrinkles. Every age may benefit from this therapy.

Botox: What Should I Do Before and After?

For a successful Botox procedure, be sure you prepare ahead. If at all possible, avoid taking any ibuprofen, aspirin, or other non-steroidal anti-inflammatory drugs one week before your injection since this may increase the risk of bruising or swelling at the site. Moreover, it's advisable to refrain from drinking alcohol the day before.

To get the finest results from your Botox cosmetic procedure, it's crucial to adhere to some simple post-care guidelines.

During the first 24 hours after injection, refrain from excessive physical activity and avoid making facial expressions to prevent toxin migration.

Dress correctly throughout the healing process to protect against direct sunlight exposure as well as very hot or cold conditions; this may help minimize side effects like swelling and bruising.

Stay up with your doctor's checkups so that any necessary adjustments may be watched carefully while you heal.

Risks and Side Effects of Botox

Botox cosmetic procedures may provide numerous aesthetic advantages, but they come with possible hazards and adverse effects. It is vital to talk to a medical expert before undertaking this therapy, since there may be transient bruising at the injection site or other undesirable effects such as Headaches, drooping eyelids, and facial muscle weakness.

Anaphylaxis, a severe allergic response, may sometimes happen. You must also be cautious of any potential spread beyond the targeted location that can cause paralysis or diminished strength in other parts of your body. Study all available choices completely for an educated conclusion about if Botox cosmetic is appropriate for you.

Which Issues May Be Cured With Botox?

Botox is an effective tool for both aesthetic and medicinal goals. It may aid in minimizing the appearance of wrinkles in places such as forehead lines, crow's feet, frown lines, and glabellar lines.

Moreover, it has been shown to reduce TMJ discomfort, modify face muscles with masseter injections, and even treat hyperhidrosis (excessive sweating) by concentrating on hyperactive sweat glands in various locations in the body.

It's also wonderful for fixing gummy smiles, giving you an eyelift without surgery, and giving your nose tip a modest lift.

Conclusion

Want to appear younger and more rested? Botox injections are the best option. An expert in medicine in Katy, Texas, may temporarily stop the nerve impulses that lead to dynamic wrinkles by using an FDA-approved procedure. For up to 4 months at a time, the end effect is smoother face skin with a reduction in the appearance of fine lines and wrinkles. Try it now for an age-defying makeover.