#the author had to hold multiple boundaries this week and she's being so brave about it

[drarrily-we-row-along]

This can be read as a sequel to "I Need You" or read as a stand alone (it will totally make sense without the prequel)

Draco found him curled up in a ball, in the corner of their office, the door warded against everyone but him. And as far as embarrassing places for Draco to find him went, well at least this wasn’t the top of the list for Harry.

“Do you want to talk about it?” Draco asked him as he folded himself down to sit cross-legged in front of Harry, their knees brushing, and the casual intimacy of that all but crushed Harry.

He shook his head, refusing to look up at meet Draco’s eyes as he plucked a string off his pants.

“Can I sit here with you?” he asked softly.

Harry nodded but couldn’t bring himself to say words back.

Draco pressed his knee against Harry’s, offering him a lifeline, anchoring him in the flood of his emotions.

After a few minutes of silence save the ticking of the clock in their office, Harry opened his mouth, “I couldn’t do it,” he whispered. “Well, I could have but-"

“Couldn’t do what, love?” Draco asked.

He swallowed, the pet name making him ache and burn with desire to allow Draco in, to trust that he actually wanted to be there with him when he was a mess. It was a desire that often remained unfulfilled because he couldn't bring himself to allow it. He took a deep breath and opened his mouth, “They wanted me to do another press circuit,” he said, lip curling with derision in spite of his best intentions to keep his emotions under wraps.

Draco hummed softly in acknowledgement.

Shaking his head, Harry pressed on, brave as he could be, letting Draco see all of the aching in his chest, “I just can’t keep doing all of the things that suck up all of my energy.” He raked his fingers through his hair before finally looking up to see Draco's eyes already on him, face open and earnest, so much gentleness that Harry wanted to claw his own chest open.

"Harry," Draco said softly, grounding him, not trying to stem the flow of emotions, just trying to help him not get swept away. He offered him a hand and Harry's fingers clenched in his.

"And I know they need it," he managed through how tight his chest felt, straining under the weight of his guilt. "I know that it helps to garner people's approval-"

"Hey," Draco said softly, squeezing Harry's hand, "You're allowed to have boundaries. You're allowed to need things too."

Harry's eyes filled with tears, they spilled over and he shoved his glasses up in his hair so he could scrub at his eyes.

"You're good," Draco murmured. "You're so good, darling," he whispered softly. "Your heart is so soft, so generous, but everyone has their limits. You can't do everything."

"Not everything," Harry agreed, shaking his head, "But I could have-"

"At what cost?" Draco interrupted. "You've already died for them, you've already given your time working to them, what are you even keeping for yourself?"

He blinked but couldn't form an answer, he just started to cry again.

"Sweetheart," Draco said, stroking his thumb over Harry's knuckles, "You can't do everything," he repeated, "but more to the point, you shouldn't have to. You get to be a whole person, with needs and desires. Who has things that he's good at and that fulfill him, and who equally has things that he's not good at and that don't bring him any fulfillment."

"Everyone has to do things they don't like," he protested.

"Sure," Draco agreed, "All of us have some things that we just have to do, but you spend more of your time doing things that you hate, things that are hard and make you feel empty, because you are so used to being asked to be the hero, to save the world. What you do is not the same."

"I don't know how to do this," he whispered like a confession.

The other man smiled softly at him, "you're doing it," he murmured. "There's not an easy way to build boundaries when you don't have the experience to, when you weren't taught and allowed to when you were young. It's just practice."

"Does it always feel like this?" he asked.

"Like what?"

He swallowed, "Like you're the worst human to ever live. Like you've been given so much that you'll never be able to repay what you've been given, so asking for more seems greedy? Like just doing it would have been hard but would have felt better than doubting who I am."

"Ah," Draco said softly. "Want to know a secret?"

Harry nodded uncertainly.

"Who you are is not what you do."

He swallowed around the tears that were suddenly threatening to choke him, tried to hold back the ugly sob and failed, letting out a gasping, shuddering sound that felt like it was ripped from the pit of his stomach.

"Can I hold you?" Draco asked, his own voice a little desperate.

Harry nodded and collapsed forward willingly as Draco shifted and pulled Harry's body against his, cradling his face in his neck and rubbing his back.

When his tears started to abate, Draco squeezed his shoulder and said, "it does get easier, love."

"You're sure?"

He nodded, "And the fulfillment you'll feel getting to exist in a world where you aren't constantly stretched to thin, constantly at the end of your rope, will be amazing," he promised.

Harry buried his nose in Draco's neck, breathing in his warm scent. "Sorry," he whispered after a moment.

"What for?" Draco asked, like he was being ridiculous.

Pulling back, he tried to look Draco in the eye, then dropped his gaze to his chin when that was too hard. "I feel like you only get all of the worst bits of me. I'm such a mess right now, I feel like this wasn't what you were imagining. And you say you love me but I can't," he shook his head and changed tracks, "and I do love you, you know I do, but I'm not ready to be in an actual relationship-"

"Harry, I like getting the worst bits because it means I get all the bits and it's fine, I'm not in a rush-" he interrupted.

"-and I'm so afraid."

"Afraid of what?"

"That by the time I'm actually ready for more than just spending time with you, eating dinner, watching movies, occasional kissing on the sofa when I haven't fallen straight to sleep, that you will have realized I'm not worth it," he rushed out. "Afraid that you'll feel the way that I feel about me."

"Oh," Draco breathed, reaching out and gently tipping Harry's chin up to look in his eyes.

But he couldn't do it, he squeezed his eyes shut and shook his head, another tear slipping down his cheek.

He sighed softly, "Harry, I love you. I am not in a hurry. And my love does not require any particular response from you to feel like it's fulfilled. Sitting here with you, in your grief is so," he blew out a breath. "I love you so much it takes up all of the space in my body sometimes," he confessed. "And getting to sit with you, getting to listen to you, to the real you, Harry," he squeezed his hand, "It's a declaration of love and trust unlike any other. Being allowed to see you, it tells me so much about what you feel for me. It's a really beautiful gift."

Harry huffed a disbelieving laugh, "I want to believe you," he said softly. "I do. I want to believe that I'm enough but I'm so afraid of not being enough and of you realizing it. And if I let you in and you leave-"

"Me too," Draco said softly. "I'm afraid of the same thing. Terrified of letting you in, of getting to love you and be loved by you, and then having you realize that I'm not worthy of it. Because getting to have you really deeply for a little while and not getting to keep you, feels unbearable."

"How do you bear it?" Harry whispered, looking up at Draco because of the two of them, Draco seemed to be doing a better job of letting Harry in and loving him without constant panic.

He shrugged, "because I only have control over myself and this moment," he said. "And I've had lots of experience being afraid and being a coward, and I know it feels better to be afraid but still do the thing that my heart is pushing me to do. So I love you, and I'll keep doing it as long as you let me, in all of the ways that you're able to let me."

"Can we leave?" he whispered, suddenly exhausted, longing for nothing more than a cuddle on the couch after eating takeaway straight from the containers.

Smiling at him, Draco nodded, "Come on. My house? I can order Chinese?"

Harry nodded back, a little shy, a little unsure about accepting this much love from the other man.

"I want to," he assured softly. "I want to love you, I want to be with you and take care of you. You just have to say yes."

"Yes," Harry whispered, reaching out and taking Draco's hand and tugging him closer. "Can I kiss you?" he asked softly.

Draco nodded and leaned in to press a soft lingering kiss to Harry's lips and Harry let himself relax into it, letting go of all of his fears for as long as he could, and just let himself be loved.

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