#the bathroom is so tiny it feels smaller than my old bathroom even though they're the same size and my old one had a slanted ceiling

[daedrabela]

SO ALL NIGHT FOR THE PAST FEW DAYS I KEEP FLICKING LITTLE ANTS OFF OF ME WHILE I'M GAMING AND I KEEP THINKING IT'S JUST THE SAME ONES OVER AND OVER

WELL I JUST FUCKING LOOKED OVER AT MY TOMIE LAMP AND THESE FUCKERS HAVE THE THING COLONIZED THEY'VE GOT EGGS AND SHIT AND THEY'RE ALL BUNCHED TOGETHER

SO I FREAK OUT BECAUSE THERE'S TOO MANY BUGS IN ONE SMALL PLACE FOR MY LIKING AND WE GET THEM VACUUMED UP

I'M SNIPPY WITH HIM BECAUSE HE'S SLACKING ON GETTING THE VACUUM TO ME QUICKLY BECAUSE AS SOON AS I TURNED THE LAMP OFF THEY STARTED TO SCATTER

AND I'M ALREADY SPIRALING BECAUSE THE SPARE ROOM IS FULL OF SHIT AND I'M SICK OF LIVING LIKE THIS AND THEN!!!!

THEN!!!!!! THIS GUY ASKS ME "you know what bugs me?" BITCH IT'S TAKING EVERYTHING I HAVE NOT TO THROW HANDS WITH ANYTHING IN SIGHT RIGHT NOW YOU CAN'T JUST SAY SHIT

[scoops-stevie-archive]

the "eddie feeds trailer park raccoons" posts made me remember my tags on this post so i cleaned them up and made this ✨

wayne takes him hunting one season and while eddie doesn't particularly enjoy waking up before the sun and bundling himself in camouflage and traffic cone orange on a saturday, he does enjoy a good homecooked meal made with meat you hunted yourself. makes him feel good about what's going into his body (though you'll never hear him pass up burger king, especially if someone else is paying.)

eddie's got himself a hefty prize pile going in the sled they brought, made up of smaller game.

(he's only a little disappointed it isn't deer season.)

wayne's grumpy about it and says eddie's got an advantage because of his age and his eyesight being better. normally, they'd be in the woods from sunup to sundown, but wayne's gotta work the next day, a rare day shift, so they call it quits around three pm. wayne gets his last shot in and he goes to pick the animal up, lamenting the lack of a retriever dog as his knees crack and pop, when he hears a rustling in a nearby tree trunk.

ah shit.

a tiny, furry grey head pops up and wayne doesn't figure it's old enough to fend for itself yet. he motions for eddie with a flick of his fingers and puts them to his lips. he drops the body in the sled as eddie scruffs the raccoon kit and lifts it from the tree so it doesn’t put up a fight and scratch or bite him. they're strapped for cash enough as it is and rabies shots are expensive.

"what do we do with it?" he asks, holding the thing up to eye level. it can't be more than a couple months old, still completely dependent on its mother for survival.

wayne sighs and starts packing their gear. "got a buddy who works at the rehab center. we'll take it there and see if they can do anything."

the drive there, eddie keeps the little thing tucked into his coat. the middle of january still brings cold snaps and snow and the animal is shivering despite its thick winter fur. eddie thinks it's kind of cute.

they were right about the raccoon's age; around three months, wayne's buddy estimates from her weight. she's a female, which delights eddie for a reason he can't explain. after she's got her shots, he tells them that, legally, they need a permit to keep her, but since he and wayne go back a ways, he can let a few things slide.

so they go home and dig out an old cage to keep her in until she stops growling and hissing at them when they get close to her. she lives off a diet of eggs mixed in milk and has to be bottle fed. it's eddie's favorite part of the day because he gets to hold her and he thinks she's getting used to it because she stops trying to squirm out of his arms and doesn't bite him as often.

he calls in a favor to nancy and asks if her mom has any of holly's baby onesies and she is rightfully curious.

"it's for a raccoon."

"....right."

he dresses her up and thankfully, nancy brings diapers (he doesn't ask how awkward that particular shopping trip was) because the baby has started treating the trailer like her bathroom and wayne's already threatened to throw her back out into the woods if he has to clean up another mess. so she walks around the place in her little onesie and diaper like the little trailer park princess she is and everyone knows who she belongs to. max has already claimed the spot for cool aunt.

eddie has to stop himself from buying a secondhand stroller.

unfortunately, eddie's spent the last couple weeks so caught up in the thrill of being a single parent, he forgets that he's not actually single at all.

steve pulls into the trailer park on a cold, cloudy day and before he can even get a foot out the car, he's greeted by a raccoon wearing a pastel pink baby onesie with white lace frills that's clearly meant for a human baby. he blinks down at it, visibly confused, and looks around to see where it came from.

the trailer door opens and his boyfriend is yelling with all the energy of an exasperated parent, hands on his hips and a dish rag thrown over one shoulder, a baby bottle in one hand,

"jezebel munson, you get your furry lil hind end back inside this trailer right now!"

as if the raccoon understood, it toddles toward the porch steps and eddie moves aside to let it pass, pointing inside. "straight to the couch, little missy!"

steve slowly follows behind her and stops at the last step, watching as the animal climbs a jerry rigged set of steps next to the couch.

"eddie. what the hell."

eddie turns to grin down at him, hands still on his hips. "stevie, we're parents now! meet your daughter, jezebel."

steve can only sigh and pinch the bridge of his nose before accepting his fate and going inside for father daughter bonding time.