#the concept of fearing God meaning to have a healthy fear in terms of awe and respect because of that

[tatyana-dreaming]

Potenza irresistibile: Leonora is Unstoppable

aka an empowered reading of (yet another) tragic opera heroine

aka my thoughts on Il Trovatore pt 3

(title from Manrico’s line in Act 2: Potenza irresistibile hanno de' fiumi l'onde! - The waves of the rivers have an irresistible force!)

with pictures because I have provided you ample walls of text as it is

Quick aside before we get into the libretto: in part 2 I concluded that both Azucena and Leonora are the only ones who really get what they want in this opera, and I think it’s pretty clear with Azucena... “Sei vendicata, o madre!” (even if we are unclear if she intentionally organized Manrico’s death and/or was conflicted by it or not).

Leonora. “I just came out to have a good time and honestly I’m feeling so attacked right now.” @ Ines, @ di Luna, even @ Manrico at the end

Because, out of everyone in this opera, Leonora is... happy? (I mean, yeah, she’s kind of set 100% of her hopes and dreams on this guy, and when she thinks he’s dead, she’s ready to head to the convent to pray to God until she can be reunited with him in death, saying “un riso, una speranza, un fior la terra non ha per me!”  - earth no longer has for me laughter, hope, or flowers! But look at her circumstances and context, and it’s still a choice she’s making, herself, about how she wants to live. Respect.)

[sociological examination about religious/cultural factors influencing WHY she would make that particular choice: coming to a bookstore near you in 2022]

“I swear go God, Ines (literally, I just did) can you just support me for once and trust me on this” (jk I love Ines she’s just doing her best too)

Okay, but to get back to the point... Leonora just has this sparkle. She’s filled with life and joy and happiness in the beginning (and - while yeah, my 21st century feminist me is like *facepalms* don’t make it dependent on another person, especially not a guy, especially not a guy who isn’t really even that focused on you as a person, but more as a possession he has to jealously protect from Rivals - her joy is revived when Marico returns and honestly thank gosh he does, since otherwise di Luna was gonna wreck those convent plans.) ANYWAYS  - di Luna clearly sees and wants to possess this sparkle, clearly having none of it himself.

Some exerpts from the libretto of this sparkly joy none of the characters ever get....(di Luna tries, haha...“la gioia che m'aspetta, gioia mortal, non è!“ but learns that maybe trying to seize someone against their will isn’t the best way to Spark Joy)

We’ve got Act 1 - “Gioia provai che agl'angeli solo è provar concesso! ...Di tale amor che dirsi mal può dalla parola...”  Joy only the angels can feel...such love that cannot be described by words! - Act 2, upon rescue by/reunion with her beloved - “Non regge a tanto giubilo rapito il cor, sorpreso!”  My surprised heart cannot bear such joy! - and finally, Act 4, once she is certain of saving Manrico - “ Vivrà! Contende il giubilo i detti a me!” He’ll live - my joy strips me of words!

Gosh, for such a tragic opera (if you take it seriously), Leonora is just this bundle of joy. Even in Act 4. It’s impressive.

She just has this energy, and I think it’s some sort of radiance from self-awareness and knowing exactly what she wants. You also may notice Leonora doens’t leave a body count the way di Luna, Manrico, and Azucena do. Well, unless you count herself :( but my point is she’s not about hurting people to get what she wants. And Leonora makes it explicitly clear from Act I: “ S'io non vivrò per esso, per esso morirò” - if I cannot life for him, I will die for him.

Leonora knows what she wants and nothing, NOTHING, and NOBODY is going to get in her way! And HOO BOY does di Luna try! So the convent kidnapping shit he tried to pull with the “not even God can claim [Leonora]” attitude didn’t pan out... but it also proved to Leonora that God wouldn’t necessarily save her (convent-style at least) so she leveled up and remembered OH YEAH PLANTS! *cue Juliet line*:

“ I'll to the friar, to know his remedy: If all else fail, myself have power to die.“

And honestly, she’s badass about it, too. From Act 1, she’s pretty fearless, from the moment Ines expresses fear and doubt about her infatuation with Manrico -

INES: Quanto narrasti di turbamento m'ha piena l'alma! Io temo...   What you say disturbs my soul, I fear [for you!] LEONORA: Invano! [You fear] in vain! (or: don’t fear!)

Leonora’s not afraid. She’s simply on a mission. Once Shit Gets Real and di Luna promises to kill Manrico, maintaining strict alignment with Mission “S'io non vivrò per esso, per esso morirò,”  asking di Luna to “Piombi, piombi il tuo furoresulla rea che t'oltraggiò, vibra il ferro in questo core che te amar non vuol né può”- Let your fury fall on the evil girl who offended you; plunge your sword into this heart that cannot, will not love you!

[again, not condoning Leonora’s choices, such as throwing herself under the ‘di Luna is going to blame Leonora for all his psycho actions’ Bus, but I respect her making her choices and fighting back]

Of course, di Luna is like “YOU CRAZY!” and literally tells Leonora her blood wouldn’t be enough to quell his rage. “l tuo sangue, o sciagurato, ad estinguerlo fia poco!” - Your blood, wretch, would hardly be enough! ~really playing the romance here~ :)

Leonora doesn’t get the point, since in Act 4, she repeats her pleas to exchange her live for Manrico’s - still not getting the Blood is Not Enough memo, apparently - “Svenami, ti bevi il sangue mio!” - Take me out**, drink my blood!

**no, di Luna, she isn’t asking you out on a date (sorry it’s so hard not to just 100% shitpost this opera) - but I couldn’t find a better translation. You don’t really say “faint me” in English and I don’t think the direct translation is “kill” but “take me out” seemed like an acceptable euphemism.

Of course, Leonora ultimately ends up accomplishing her Mission. [Like I said in part 1, my initial reaction to her self-sacrificial death was just anger and disappointment. But in context, she’s pulling a valid Juliet move... her circumstances are awful and suffocating and there are very few ways out for her in the world she lives in... but she ends up exiting the game on her terms.

{At the subjective level, at least. Objectively, her only choices are a vampire who will suck her life dry [di Luna] - in which life might be merciless - or choosing to withdraw from life with Help from Plants [poison] - in which death is merciful. Again, sociological exploration of Leonora’s CHOICE ARCHITECTURE coming to booksellers near you. Might even include Alternate Ending: running away into the mountains with the gypsies instead, but we all know that isn’t part of Mission “S'io non vivrò per esso, per esso morirò.” Plus I think we are all familiar with the concept that as humans we are more likely to stick with the evil we know rather than strike out into the great unknown. Heck, somebody stop me, these asides will be the death by boredom or exasperation of us all. Wait, are you reading this!??! WOW and bless you!! Thanks and I’m sorry}

Unfortunately, Manrico has to be a little turdball and start cursing Leonora, being the jealous self-centered guy that he ultimately is, before he realizes what she’s done to save him. “Manrico I’m literally dying FOR YOU and this is how you repay me?”

In Act 1, she begs di Luna to see reason through his jealous rage, but by Act 4 it’s her own beloved, the person she’s organized her Life Goal around, who is displaying the same jealous, blinding rage, refusing to listen to her. “Oh come l'ira ti rende cieco! Oh quanto ingiusto, crudel, crudel!” Oh how rage blinds you, how injust, how cruel you are [Manrico]!

Oh, the sweet and cruel irony Leonora getting her unconditional, immense, “eternal” love dismissed because Manrico doesn’t get it the way he wanted it [i.e. uh oh are we going to circle back to possessiveness/jealousy? Is Leonora the only one - and granted, she is a little psycho/obsessed/infatuated à la di Luna, but without trying to POSSESS her object of affection -- who can love in a semi-healthy way in this opera?? apparently]. My poor girl. At least Manrico Comes to his Senses before she dies (just in time for him join Leonora’s fate himself). *sad cheering*

Let me end by emphasizing that Leonora did not die JUST to “save Manrico.” Yes, the libretto says “Prima che d'altri vivere, io volli tua morir! “ - Rather than live as another’s, I wanted to die yours. But to me, it’s pretty clear she’s dying for herself - dying as her own self, as hers (I mean, technically she never became Manrico’s “legal property” anyways if we want to get into the morbid lack of womens’ rights, so she wasn’t even “his” in that way). And in the end, choice architecture aside, the point is that all the way, Leonora knew what she wanted, made her own decisions, stayed true to herself, and accomplished what she set her mind to. Nothing and nobody stopped her. Who’s to say what else she might have wanted if she had had different opportunities, choices, knowledge, or most importantly had been born in a different context.

(*faceplams* had been born?!! She’s a fictional character god Karo go to bed already) (*peels hands off face* it’s okay you are processing outrage over the Female Experience and Leonora represents a lot of real women, living and dead)

I conclude. LEONORA IS UNSTOPPABLE. Let’s part with some lovely lines from our complex (if a bit compulsively devoted), tragic, yet joyful, empowered, and fearless heroine:

Tu vedrai che amore in terra mai del mio non fu più forte: vinse il fato in aspra guerra, vincerà la stessa morte. 

You will see that never on earth was there a stronger love than mine; it defeated Fate in violent strife, it will defeat death itself.

*              *              *              *              *               *              *             *        

Screencaps from IL Trovatore (Met 2011) ft. Sondra Radvanovsky, Dmitri Hvorostovsky, and Marcelo Álvarez

[treacherous-dwarf-of-the-seas]

I had a lot of Thoughts about the Steven Universe Future finale

It’s exactly a month after its premiere, but I still have a lot of feelings and I wanna organize my thoughts a bit so I can have them somewhere, perhaps for any future ideas I may have. I think I’m just gonna list my thoughts on the 4 individual episodes, the finale (and season) as a whole, etc. Overall, I liked most of it, but I’m gonna get a bit su critical because although I absolutely loved many things about this finale, Oh boy. Some things I downright Did Not. Spoilers ahead I guess, this is a long one. 

This is my favorite part of the finale by far. To me, it did almost everything right.

I loved picking up right after Fractured, and Steven’s expression and body language, *chef’s kiss*

Poor Jasper gets killed *twice*

Homeworld looks so good! It’s all gardeny and disorganized in a good way.

Purple pearl?

SPINEL’S BACK!!!

Edgy theories that spinel and the diamonds were a disaster waiting to happen (I agreed with these) were wrong and this makes me happy. 

Steven’s reaction to Spinel kissing him? Was a tad strange//

SO GOOD to see Spinel being mentally healthy and happy and while still being herself.

The Diamonds! Actually working to better themselves!

I love the idea of diamond powers “working in reverse”. Like, Yellow diamond can change bodies and destabilize bodies, Blue can change emotions for better or worse, White can take over others or let others in. Honestly the idea that Pink/Rose could bring random plants to life and basically heal anything always struck me as so overpowered and random. The context that she was a goddess of destruction that changed into a goddess of creation makes the concept make a bit more sense to me, I appreciate that. 

I’m so ambivalent about Yellow’s scene. 

Like, its so satisfying to see. The thing that everybody (including me) was complaining about was that the diamonds’ redemption did not change the millennia of shattered, corrupted and amalgamated gems and suffering they had directly caused. Its very nice to see them putting their money with their mouths are. There’s acknowledgement that redemption isn’t just saying sorry and being less of a dick than you were before, it’s also correcting past wrongs and making it up to the people who were hurt.

However, I’m not totally sold on the idea of healing every shattered gem and the cluster. Like, I guess it makes sense considering a shatter is just a crack that’s been finished, and cracks in gems can be healed. But I don’t think it should be as easy as it is, and in any case, it just feels like it cheapens the impact of shattering, and even the forced fusions when they were so impactful in the original show. I wish the healing could still be done, but in a way that respects how awful and impactful the harm was.

I totally understand Steven in the Blue Diamond scene. I had had mental health problems where my mom had just offered drugs instead of talking to me or trying to help in a way that showed she cared about the issue, so this scene hit a bit hard.

Blue gets a song!

White, by far, my favorite scene in all of Future. 

Spinel White, no joke, gave me nightmares. 

The little moment of Steven yelling at himself for being a diamond is exactly what I wanted and I needed so much more of it. 

Triggered by everything White Diamond does. *chef’s kiss*. I especially love the little subtle moment of looking uncomfortable and pushing away white’s fingernails.  

Finally seeing similarities between Steven and White is canon, though I wish it was more explored. 

THE HALLUCINATION

Zach Callison is Intense(TM). This man always goes so hard and deserves mad respect.

TOO BAD.

Intrusive thoughts being represented in this way is amazing.

I still wonder if White knows what happened. Can she read thoughts in that state? 

He used White Diamond’s power to go into her body, and then while in her body, used her power of possession to take over his own body to puppet himself? I actually love the twistedness of this concept. It shows how twisted Steven himself has become. It’s so much about self-harm, while also not being self harm? vengeful thoughts, intrusive thoughts, anger, just everything. This moment could take all day to analyze, and I think it is way more thematically relevant to Steven’s internal struggle than the corruption.  

Love that the diamonds were still willing to help and only seemed concerned after how Steven was acting. They have changed!

Fairy tale imagery, noice.

This one is odd in the best way.

My favorite scenes in anything with supernatural beings is when they look at their own eyes in the mirror and realize that it’s not human or changed from what they should be. The way this scene played out was in a way I’ve only seen in fanfiction, and I am Here for it. The horror on Steven’s face when he’s looking at his own appearance is just wonderfully done. 

Very uncomfortable that there is an actual painting of Steven as an angel in his own room. I love how it ties into this episode, but I genuinely feel uncomfortable that he was thought of in that way at all. 

The flat out denial that he had just done the things he had done simply by virtue of who he is, I love the idea that “Steven Universe” has become more of a concept/symbol to him rather than being his own name. It reminds me of his concept of his mother and how her name is more of a symbol to Steven than a person. I just love the subtle parallel. 

I love the fact that “toxic positivity” is being explored in this show. I never really see it being discussed, and in a show so centered on being honest about emotions, no matter how painful they are, its so wonderful that the protagonist’s main character flaw is the exact opposite, to the point of being forcefully happy and smiling and actively ignoring things going wrong. It really strengthens the message by showing the opposite extreme.

I love the recontextualization that is present in suf. The criticisms of Steven being “too happy” during the cluster arc, being strangely positive after Lars’ death, etc. Although it was uncomfortable when those episodes came out and those events were all but ignored, I’m happy that it is being addressed as this culmination of madness in Steven, being so forcefully happy that its obvious that those episodes weren’t trying to ignore the problems, Steven was. 

I’m also happy to see a genuine “hero complex” in a protagonist. (usually the term is used incorrectly to mean “anyone who is a hero who works too hard.”

Steven talking to himself in typical protagonist fashion. 

The crystal gems staging an intervention, good shit.

“Steven’s here to help. Steven help. Help Steven.” Not subtle, but I’m always a slut for the glitchy messages. 

The confession of his crimes, love that we get to see the gems react to that. 

The whole monologue. Once again, Zach goes hard. I love the manic energy and still the ending is so raw and broken. 

“Oh, don't worry! I fixed that too! I can fix anything. I can just keep messing up and fixing things forever, and you'll never have to know or think about any of it! How messed up is that? That I've gotten away with this for so long. You have no idea how bad I am.”

 It honestly feels like some projection? (Idk something to do with that). It feels like hes a little put out by the things he learned in Homeworld Bound. Like, maybe he feels the same way I do? That the diamonds got off too easy? Maybe it’s simply that hes put out that they’re getting better and he seems to be getting worse. Maybe even, into the worst parts of his mom? I mean from his perspective, his mother had reverse character development and went, in his mind, from a goddess to a petty teenager, to an actual monster. How upsetting would it be to see the galactic dictators who got to live, do so many awful things, worse things than her, and just get to make everything better, to the point of total reversal of their crimes, while pink just ran away and left steven to deal with the mess.While he had to deal with the aftermath of EVERYTHING. Everyone seems to just be okay with the diamonds now, the monsters he feared for so long, so how come he has to be the bad one? How come he has to be like them now? Maybe it’s even coming back to his whole theory that he’s just a reincarnated version of his mom. (I know that he knows it isn’t true, but old fears and old habits can come back during a manic episode, and he spent a long time thinking that he was just there to clean up his mom’s mess and thinking that he was her in disguise.) If you look at what he’s saying, it’s a little strange that he’s talking about how bad he is and how he messes up and then fixes the stuff and no one has to know. It doesn’t even sound like he’s talking about himself, not really.

This sounds like a hysterical realization of what being a diamond means for steven. This is better explained in this post here :https://pennylogue.tumblr.com/post/613441610438590464/steven-is-a-diamond-and-thats-okay . Like, he is panicking that being a diamond means that he can just destroy everything and just fix it like the other diamonds. It’s terrifying that he can just destroy anything and hurt anybody, and people will still worship the ground he walks on just by virtue of who he is. (This isn’t true, obviously, but after what had just happened with jasper, a terrified mind would latch on to that.)  

 Dude, I could just go on all day this monologue is just fascinating. 

Love the parallel of Connie’s “backpack butterflies” and Steve’s back exploding. Its like a subtle way to show that the thoughts are “suddenly swarming.”

Oh god. I’ve gotta be honest. I hated this one. But I’ll start off with things I liked. 

The general concept is okay, but I feel like it is not thematically consistent, which I will get into later. 

The moment when the gems tell Greg to leave, and he stamps his foot down saying he needs to be with his son, I like that it is very apparent that his stomp makes almost no sound or impact, which really shows how different Steven is from him, aka, his separation from his own humanity that has been building up. 

Connie being amazing as always. 

“Yoo hoo! Steven! Is this a bad time?”

Spinel’s entire thing, from her reaction to seeing pink godzilla to her thinking that she is the main villain of steven’s story. It reminds me of Peridot’s “leader of the crystal gems, traitor to homeworld” thing and it makes me so happy. 

“WHy is something like this always happening when we show up for a visit?” 

The ending. Jesus. Zach always goes so hard I don’t doubt he was actually sobbing. I wish I could have cried during this moment. 

I respect the message, that it’s not about fixing it, it’s about being there for the person struggling, and Steven wasn’t cured, he finally hit a breaking point. I understand that the problem was not “solved with a hug” as so many say.

I love that before I saw the episode I saw pics of Garnet being as big as the kaiju and actually said to myself, “Wow the heights really ARE inconsistent.”

I don’t like that Connie included herself as one of the people that depend on Steven. They are the healthiest relationship in the entire show and Connie is always there for Steven? sometimes even more than he can be there for her? Where is this coming from? She has literally always been there. Her calling everyone out did clear my skin and water my crops though. 

Also, where is Connie’s emotional resolution? Didn’ she go through alot of the same trauma as Steven?

I don’t think it’s unreasonable that a diamond, Steven, could corrupt themselves. It’s not necessarily a bad ending to have Steven be corrupted into a giant monster. However, I don’t think it’s the ending that was really built up to. The only real build up was the presence of “Wyrm boi” in the theme song, and that’s about it. It’s not as prevalent as eye symbolism and foreshadowing of someone (Steven or Connie) losing a hand or an eye.

The episode itself was 11 minutes long, and the monster was very underwhelming and way too quick. I feel like the emotions were too rushed, and although everyone else seemed to put in their emotional 2 cents, I feel as though Steven did not get the emotional climax that he really needed. 

Also why didn’t we have a sweet little moment of connection with Nephrite Jade/Centipeetle? Wouldn’t that have been such a bittersweet parallel? The whole “being there for Steven like he was there for us?” So where is she? 

There was so much imagery and thematic elements in both Steven Universe and Steven Universe Future, that did not build up to the kaiju monster in the way that it was.

The imagery with one eye, the eye patches, cat steven, the heterochromatic eyes with Onion’s doll, Cookie cat, split Steven, etc etc, most people have many many more examples. I feel like someone could have lost an eye, or maybe Steven could have had a corruption scar that left his eyes permanently heterochromatic. It also would have been thematically relevant to have Steven come out of this with more of a balance of his gem half and human half. This never really becomes relevant in “I Am My Monster.” His gem half turns him into a monster, his gem half helps him turn back. It’s nice that his gem and human family were there as support, but there was never a sense of balancing both sides of himself in the fact that they are there, as there are only two humans and mostly gems there, and this lack of balance and security with both parts of himself was one of the major themes throughout the series and one of the sources of Steven’s identity crisis. 

Connie is always a parallel to Pearls. Our Pearl and Pink Pearl. I wish something had come of that. (There are amazing comics that show her losing an eye like Pink Pearl, as it seemed to be foreshadowed in Open Book and Sworn to the Sword.)

This idea isn’t mine, but I’ve seen it done really well and I feel like it would have been a better ending than 10 minute godzilla monster. I wish I could have seen Steven split up again. I am personally fascinated with the otherworldly enigma that are Steven’s two halves, but I feel that that would have tied into the themes better and tied up more loose ends. By the end of the series, we don’t know Steven’s opinion on his mother, and last time we heard him mention her it was in a negative light. This is connected to Steven’s conflict within himself, his desire to understand his human side better, his fear of his power as a diamond, his insecurity and loneliness as a totally unique being. Homeworld Bound was the closest we got to seeing Steven talk to himself, and confront the two sides of himself. This was also the closest we’ve seen Steven come to being honest with the diamonds about how he really sees them. However, this ended with Steven hurting himself, (wanting to hurt White was a response to trauma as well as symbolically confronting his own diamond self), and running away. We never get to see the resolution to that conversation. We never see Steven accept that he is a diamond and that it isn’t necessarily a bad thing. Furthermore, Rose Quartz/Pink Diamond is not resolved. The negative character development took a huge toll on her character. Not only does the audience think of her as a terrible person, but the characters also forget her positive character development after hearing about all the mistakes of the past. Rose/Pink’s redemption arc still happened. I think it would have been fitting to remind us here, like all the other diamonds get their moment in this special. I feel like having Steven split up would tie up these loose ends. It would be a dramatic ending while also being a way for Steven to confront these issues within himself in a grounded way, while also making genuine peace with Pink Diamond. We could have Steven talking to himself, maybe starting out the way he did with White in Homeworld Bound, then steadily coming to terms with the sides of himself that he is afraid of, maybe how both sides help each other, how Pink Diamond is not a symbol of all that is wrong in his life, but just a person with flaws who was able to be better, like he can be better, too. This was touched on a little in Change Your Mind, but I would love to see Steven’s thoughts on Pink after the events of Fractured and Homeworld Bound, as there has to be some difference in perspective there. I feel that if Steven split into his components, these themes and ideas could be explored more and we could have a better climatic resolution for Steven’s character arc.  Even if Steven came out with no scars, even with both his eyes, the imagery and thematic elements would still be satisfactorily resolved if we got to see the two halves of Steven actually talk to each other. This also explains it better. https://scatterpatter.tumblr.com/post/615024679798915072/hmmmm-okay-so-i-just-watched-one-of-those-rose

Btw, if anybody has fanfiction recs with this concept, please hmu. 

I think I hate the kaiju ending because it seemed like such a waste of potential and didn’t really resolve any conflict besides functioning as a sort of breakdown.

The Future. aka: Welcome to another episode of Crying Breakfast Friends!

Boogle

The cookie cat rap. Pearl obviously kills it because she’s awesome and I was dying the entire time. 

Steven/Therapy is canon!

I like that Steven puts up a poster of Kerry Moonbeam in his room that he’s giving to his dad. It’s like he’s made peace with the whole “mr. universe thing” and it makes me happy to see that he’s not holding it against his dad or even avoiding the subject. 

I appreciate alot of little moments with the family while it still lasts.

It is genuinely like watching Crying Breakfast Friends. 

Steven gets to be “petty” with his emotions! He is finally honest with his family. I do appreciate the subtle resolution to his character arc (despite my opinions of the climax).

My favorite thing about Steven and Connie is that the fact that they are “canon” has basically always been true. Like, they’ve always loved eachother as best friends and they still do, it’s just that they get to kiss now. I absolutely love that its not a huge dramatic thing, its just Steven and Connie and they are otp for life. 

The fanfic potential is strong with this one. 

I wish I could have seen a therapy session or at least meeting the therapist. Maybe Steven walking into the office with his family behind him and its a moment of doing the first steps toward getting better.

But as is, this one is fine. 

Love the idea of a road trip with our little weirdo interacting with normies. 

Time to hit up Gravity Falls, lmao. 

TLDR:, the finale was good, but I did not particularly care for the climax. I am genuinely sad to see this show go. I was not a fan until I was already 18, but even after 5 years this show has taught me so much about self love, acceptance, tolerance, emotional honesty, etc. (I’ll probably do another post about it because holy shit this is long.) But this season, or epilogue series, has gotten me through such a difficult time in my life that is still happening, and has given me the tools to get through it. I sympathize with Steven so much, and I know alot of other people did too. It was so nice to be part of a community that just adopted this feral child. Some of future was rushed and of course it wasn’t perfect, but I greatly respect what it was doing. Bringing up PTSD and mental illness in this way in something like this was not something I was prepared for, even in this show, and I certainly couldn’t have imagined it even 5 years ago. Even with its missteps, this show took so many risks and was so incredibly detailed and it was obvious that it was made with alot of love and the fans in mind. I criticize because I love this show and while I feel it is necessary to acknowledge its flaws, I have so much love for the possibilities that this little world makes me dream of. These four episodes in particular was an emotional roller coaster and I am so sad to see it go, but I enjoyed the ride. Thank you, Crewniverse!

[itsamydav]

Esperar: to wait, to hope, to expect

It’s been a long time since I’ve posted on this blog, but I’ve been mulling over a new concept and have been planning a re-start. Considering the news I have to share, I think the new concept (the idea for which, funny enough, started forming long ago) is quite fitting; I’m sure you’ll see why. I’ll post more about the name change and new directions later, but for now... the story at hand...

A few months ago, maybe back in May or June, Nicholas (Buddy) and I watched one of Judah Smith’s sermons online. In that sermon, he spoke about deferred hopes and how we often confuse hope with faith. Faith and hope are both important and valuable, but they are not interchangeable terms. In Spanish, the word for hope is esperar. As the title of this post suggests, there are other meanings for this word as well, which are somewhat interchangeable, but faith is not one of them. 

We’ve all experienced hopes deferred, haven’t we? Life is full of those—some lives more so than others. In our 13 years of marriage, my husband Nick and I have shared the same faith, and we have experienced all sorts of hopes fulfilled and hopes deferred. Throughout our years together, one of the biggest hopes deferred we’ve experienced is that of having children of our own. On many occasions, I have considered sharing about our story publicly. Those close to us have known, though even then without much detail, about our struggle with infertility, but I’ve never addressed it on a public platform like this.

Our hopes for children were deferred month after month. Maybe you’ve experienced that; maybe you haven’t. It can be devastating. It can make you both sad and angry, make you question, make you doubt. But hope is not faith. And faith is not hope. Hope is in the what; faith is in the Who. And, “I know in whom I have believed,” (2 Timothy 1:12). I didn’t always take on this attitude, Lord knows, but that sermon hit home, and I understood instantly that sometimes, perhaps, I was allowing my hopes and the lack of fulfillment thereof to dictate or at least impact my faith, and that should not be.

To those who are up against the struggle of infertility or some other deferred hope of life-altering proportions, I hope that sharing our story now, in some way bolsters your hope and helps to heal your aching heart. But even if that hope is long deferred even from now, please, please do not let this control your faith. They are two very separate things. Keep your faith in the Who, and trust Him for the what in His way and timing.

Thankfully, even when our hopes are deferred indefinitely, He is still the better reward. 1 Corinthians 13 ends with a poetic and profound truth, “And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.” And 1 John 4:8 says, “8 Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love.” Did you catch that? God is love. Faith, hope, and love. The greatest of these is love. So if God is love, it stands to reason that God is greater than the size or strength of our faith. Well, we know that to be true because in Matthew 17:20 Jesus says, “...Truly I tell you, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there,’ and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you.” He moves in ways that are bigger than our faith (but still in response to it).

And then it also stands to reason that God is greater than our hopes. Ephesians 3:20-21 encourages us, “Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen.” He is able to do more than we could ask or imagine. In other words, He’s greater than our hopes.

This is so true for Nick and me. After some unusual goings-on, back in February 2019, I was diagnosed with endometriosis and a large ovarian cyst. I’ve been in the process of setting up and awaiting a surgery ever since. Hope deferred, again, and even more profoundly so. (But by this time, and even well before, we had resolved ourselves to being thankful for, investing in, and loving the kids we already have in our lives, and talks of adoption have always been in the mix. We were content with the blessings God had given us. You know, in Christ we *can* be content without having everything we want and hope for.)

Fast-forward to June 24th of this year; I was uncharacteristically late, if you know what I mean—extremely late even for the wonky things the cyst would do to my cycle. And so, that night, with dinner getting cold on the stove, Nick and I stood in the kitchen, stunned and in tears, huddling over a little plastic stick with pink lines on it. After 13 years of marriage, at 36—almost 37—years old, with endometriosis, and a 9 cm ovarian cyst, I am a living testament to God’s ability and desire to fulfill our deferred hopes in His timing, even the ones we might have allowed to die altogether. But, then, God has always had a way with dead things and dry bones, hasn’t He? We are still stunned, and so immensely in awe of how God has chosen to bless us. Thank God for being greater than our faith, greater than our hope.

Present day: We’re at 16 weeks now, and mom and baby are both happy and healthy! (For obvious reasons, we've waited a little longer to announce.) But that cyst still has got to go; a new surgery date is likely in the works. So, the fight for baby Davenport isn’t over. At this point, we have settled on calling (SPOILER ALERT) HIM Harvey: battle warrior. We’ve fought to get him here, we’ll fight to keep him here. He’s fighting too—mostly for space, I think! Maybe he’ll heel-kick that cyst outta there… sometimes I think he’s trying to. So, pray with us for continued protection for our little warrior, and for the whole miracle—that this cyst would be healed either through another miraculous touch from God, or through the miracles of modern medicine.

But do not be fearful. We aren’t. Speak life over us, not fretful what-ifs. We are confident and at peace because our God is greater, and we know God’s way and will is that of life and life abundant. Thanks for reading! Thanks for celebrating with us! We are so, so blessed. So elated. So excited for this crazy-awesome surprise that’s been 13 years in the making. If you take nothing else away from this, just remember that faith and hope are two different things, and that your faith should dictate your hope, not the other way around. And, either way, God is still greater than both your faith and your hope, even hope deferred.

[radical-revolution]

People still ask me, "Robert, what do you see when you look at us? Do you see

energy? Do you see consciousness? Do you see a play of lights? Do you see emptiness?"

If I saw any of those things I wouldn't be able to function. I see what you see, you! The only difference is, I realize I am not the body. And when I say, "I'm not the body," I'm speaking of the universal body, which contains you.

Therefore, if I'm not the body, and I see that, I see that you are also not the body.

I simply see the world as superimposed images on the screen. But I'm always

aware that you are images. And so is the body, and so are the trees, and the sky, and the planets, and the animals, and the insects, and everything else. For some reason I'm always aware of that.

I'm aware that it's like a bubble, and the bubble bursts, and the reality ex-

presses itself as consciousness.

Therefore I see you as you see me, but I see you as consciousness, the reality. Or I

see you as I see myself, as a screen, and the whole universe is simply a superimposition on the screen. I do not see you as a human being. I do not see this radio, or the lamp, or this table, as a entity of itself. I see it as consciousness.

This doesn't mean that consciousness manifested these things. As I always explain, consciousness is self-contained, and only manifests itself. These things are like optical illusions. They do not really exist, as a dream does not really exist.

In the dream you're carrying on, you're flying back from New York to California, you're experiencing all kinds of things in your life, and everything appears to be real. But you wake up and the bubble is burst.

So I guess the only difference between you and me is that I'm always aware of

that. If you're always aware of that, there's no fear. Fear only comes when you believe the world to be real.

When the world proves to be an illusion, where is there fear?

What in the world can upset you, if you know the world is but a dream?

You may say, "Well it may be a dream, but I don't want to be hurt in the dream. I want my dream to be smooth and easy. I want to be happy and harmonious and healthy."

If you think in those terms, you are not aware yet of what consciousness is. Consciousness transcends all of that. Consciousness is divine harmony.

None of those things exist.

I realize that's hard to comprehend. The worst things can appear to happen to my

body, to my affairs, to my life, yet I am aware that it's not happening. I'm not imagining that it's not happening. I'm not repressing it. I'm not saying to myself, "Robert, you've got to see only the good." It's beyond all that. There is no good. There is no bad. It's total freedom, total liberation.

Look at it this way. You have an idea what God is because God has been branded

into your head since you were a little kid. Can you imagine God having fear, of anything?

Or God going through any kind of experience?

Or God saying, "This is good, this is bad,

this is right, this is wrong, I'd rather have this than that?"

There is no duality in God.

So the universe is ultimate oneness. Ultimate oneness is another word for divine harmony. It is beyond all concepts and preconceived ideas. The human mind cannot comprehend it.

Suffice it to say that all is well. It is when we begin to quiet the mind that you

come closer and closer to this understanding.

It's when the thoughts begin to stop, when

they slow down, that you become more aware that all is well and the reality comes to you by itself.

As long as you keep identifying with the world and the things of this world, you

can never know the truth about yourself.

And again you may say, "Well, I've got to function in the world. I've got to work,

I've got to have a family, I've got to look after my interests." Who says you don't? But it has nothing to do with you.

You have to understand that your body will take care of itself. The dream will go

on by itself. You will do whatever it is you came to this earth to do, without you thinking about it, without you trying to make something happen, without trying to straighten out anything in this world.

This is what I mean when I say,

"Be yourself. Just be yourself. Live

in the eternal now." That's being yourself.

Be spontaneous.

Allow the world to unfold as it should.

Do not be judgmental.

Look at everything fresh and new, with awe. Have reverence for all of life, and ask yourself, "Who am I?"

Then things will begin to happen.

~ Robert Adams Satsangs

[strangesmallbard]

Would you mind doing the fic commentary on "all my children can become me"? Thank you!

thank you, anon! this was fun! 

fic link

Lyra was perfect when she was born. A prone creature no harder to control than her own arm; move her little hand that way and it goes there, turn her on her side and she looks at the new world in wonder.

Then she cried. A baby’s first cry is a sacred thing of course of course. Lyra tucked her little arms safely away from comfort and Marisa ached for any maternal instinct to snap on, if only to shut her up.

Wow, Yikes Marisa! those sure are some healthy thoughts. i wrote this one because i was thinking about mrs. c and the particular qualities to her love for lyra. i rail against the concept that her maternal love is inherently redeeming as it inspires some of her more heinous acts - drugging/kidnapping her (to save her life, but Uh), the implication that she wanted to use lyra to kidnap more kids for her child murdering experiments (again, to save her life, But Uh.) 

but she does love lyra; this growing affection arguably drives her arc in both the book (particularly ASG, you could make several different arguments for TGC/NL) and the show. however, i don’t think her first emotions towards lyra involved love and affection--i’d say curiosity, wonder, like staring at the aurora and contemplating how it works. if it is love, it is possessive. mrs. c lives in a world devoid of agency, particularly as a woman. she’s been taught how to act and be her entire life, and suddenly she has a Thing All Her Own. until lyra cries, and she realizes that lyra’s a small person with needs, and she wants no part of it. (until she does!) i wasn’t thinking of it while writing this, but you could also read mrs. c’s reaction to lyra crying as a reaction to shame she feels about lyra’s birth--and she really hates feeling shame.

But Lyra is hers now. Hers. Everything slips away, even the world from one to the next, but Lyra is her own thing to shape. Her dæmon will prove an issue, just like how Ozymandias clung to her shoulder in his lemur form until she tossed him out a window with a shriek, her own shoulder stinging at the marrow from the effort. Marisa made him stay there all night long, watching her from the trees.

And Lyra would learn, as she did. Small attachments mean nothing when the world is as large as it is, when men are stupid as they are. Marisa enjoys God’s world, and her top floor apartment just a bit more.

more narration on mrs. c’s possessiveness. after 12 years, lyra is Hers once again--no longer a very small baby, but a willful person with agency who likes to climb on rooftops and swear. and who, perhaps, isn’t dissimilar to mrs. c. that’s a problem for marisa, who wants zero problems. 

here, i delve into my headcanon for Why the Monkey is Like That. as a kid, i think the monkey was very clingy. he preferred monkey shapes to cling more strongly; to mrs. c, this reflects insecurity and fear that she really wants to repress. ozy can leave her side because of a deliberate effort to separate herself from him. since mrs. c was able to repress herself for the needs of her society, she believes she can train lyra in a similar vein, but mostly to be an obedient, loving daughter who only makes the fusses mrs. c wants her to make. also a weird contradiction, because mrs. c doesn’t view herself as a detrimental attachment for lyra to have.

also! i wrote this early on in my reread so i forgot that they call god “the authority” in lyra’s world. oops! i’ll fix that at some point. anyway, i think mrs. c ultimately uses religion to further her own personal quests. (ruth wilson discusses this in her podcast episode!)

(Paste on a smile. Wait for everything to fall into place. Everything would.)

i tried like, four times to delete this line. it doesn’t fit this fic perfectly, but it aided the rhythm enough that leaving it out felt wrong. it’s very inspired by the way ruth wilson smiles as mrs. c - faux sweet, calculating, a bit menacing.

Lyra dives onto her shiny new bed with a delighted yell and Ozymandias looks on with a carefully tepid curiosity. Marisa can read him, of course she can. Her hand curls by her side and he stills. A smile curls on her lips before she can notice. Or no, it doesn’t curl. It settles. It creeps. She remembers the crying. She will always remember the crying.

whenever mrs. c realized she had affection for lyra and tried her best to Not (until she stopped trying), it’s such a Moment to explore. here, i wanted to highlight that realization through the monkey. i chose “tepid” as a word to illustrate that the monkey is also trying to pretend it isn’t happening. he’s just worse at hiding than marisa. i also brought back the crying motif - i think mrs. forgot about lyra, like genuinely didn’t care for all 12/13 years, but was never able to repress that first outburst of emotion & need. especially as someone who represses those things within herself. it Stuck.

She wipes it away. Lyra is a wild thing, but Marisa—smarter than her father, smarter than anyone she will ever meet—can see the edge of a forest, want to look beyond, and know the right moment to pull back. The many worlds will cower and bend to God when she is done, and the men who love to smile will stare in awe.

i know we find out more about mrs. c’s family in the book of dust, but i went off my own headcanons. i think her dad is probably just like. look up the definition of Patriarchy and there he is. she loves the notion that she’s smarter than her father; than any man who’s ever looked down on her. she’s fixated on power - some paralleling to asriel’s motivations can be read in here. i’m gonna leave the rest alone; i’d rather it be up for interpretation! 

The children are hardly a sacrifice, but Lyra—Lyra who’s safe, no not safe, settled and growing (at home) now. Lyra who will never leave again, who’s hers hers hers (until she won’t be until Marisa must push her from—)

here, i want to talk specifically about narration & voice. up until this point in the fic, mrs. c’s narration is collected and calculated. she wants to keep her work and keep lyra, and hasn’t figured out yet that keeping both will be impossible. (keeping lyra will also be impossible as lyra is, once again, her own human person with agency.) she fears that choice too, that she’ll lose lyra because of her own work. in this context, i wanted this fic to somewhat foreshadow her choice at bolvangar.

Well. A sacrifice is what a prophecy gnaws to the bone. And Marisa remembers the crying.

what prophecy, marisa? what do you know? what do you think you know? i was originally alluding to lyra’s prophecy, but managed to completely forget that canonically she only finds out during the events of tsk. i’ve decided to keep it because we only get marisa’s pov in asg--pullman intentionally keeps her true intentions & knowledge of things hidden. i can also believe mrs. c would frame her own actions in terms of prophecy. 

[eldritchsurveys]

752.

Does your best friend bother you more than anyone else? >> --- Who is your best friend? >> --- Do you like someone right now? >> No. Do you even think you stand a chance with this person? >> --- Do you consider yourself truly happy? >> I don’t think of “happiness” as a constant state of being. It’s an emotion like any other -- you feel happy for a period of time, and then you return to baseline or you have a different emotion. So, yeah, sometimes I am happy. A lot of the time I’m something else (or nothing). Feeling one emotion all the time at the expense of others would be awful no matter what the emotion is.

How often do you cry? >> Relatively often, lately. It’s like once you decide to stop berating yourself for having feelings, you start just having them randomly and shit. I teared up watching a youtube video yesterday and it took me a couple of minutes to figure out that it was probably the effect of the music used in the video (he used a lot of that kind of “dramatic emotional moment” music that they use in movies to cue to your brain that you’re supposed to have An Emotion right now). Are you emotional? >> I mean, yes, I experience emotions... What is the worst thing you would do for 10 million dollars? >> No. Have you ever had/do you have an eating disorder? >> No. Have you ever cut/burned yourself intentionally? >> Yep. What do you think of people that do? >> I don’t have an opinion about other self-injurers? We all just tryna survive. What’s your opinion on drugs? Have you ever done any? >> I don’t have an opinion on drugs. Like, in general, I don’t have sweeping opinions on any broad subject like this! It doesn’t make sense to me and I am constantly frustrated at being asked what I think about a general concept as if my thoughts shouldn’t be based on contextual information and a basic understanding of nuance. Anyway. Yes, I’ve done drugs. Have you ever noticed the hidden adult jokes inside of kid shows/movies? >> Sure. Do you want to be famous? Why? >> Not at all. Because included amongst my highest values are my privacy and my ability to live my life on my own terms as much as possible. Also, it just flat-out doesn’t seem like a healthy way to live.

Do you sin often? >> Dude. What are your views on God? >> I don’t have any sweeping views on the concept of divinity. My opinion about the Abrahamic God specifically varies based upon what we’re talking about -- what holy text, what cultural interpretation, what sort of human-divine relationship, etc. What do you think happens after you die? >> My working interpretation is that the specific network that I think of as my consciousness will dissipate and that energy will rejoin the general concept of “consciousness”, from which every specific instance of consciousness arises. So to speak. Also, my body will decay (provided I’m not chemically processed and shut up in a metal box), worms will eat me, etc etc. Are you afraid to die? >> Yeah. But my feelings about death are more aptly described as, like, “holy dread”, or the kind of fear that is part-and-parcel with a strong feeling of awe and wonder. If you had the chance, would you want to know the date of your death? >> Fuck no, dude. Have you ever felt that you weren’t good enough? >> Yep. Do you have any siblings? If so, are you jealous of them? >> --- Do you have a good relationship with your parents? Why or why not? >> I don’t have any relationship with them. Because one abandoned me at birth and the other one flat-out doesn’t like who I am as a person.

Are you always wanting more? >> Sure. Hunger is one of my defining concepts. Do you make good first impressions? >> I don’t think I do, no, because I’m not interested in following certain social conventions that people expect me to. That’s not to say I’m rude, but when you refuse to shake hands, you don’t stare in people’s eyeballs, and you don’t smile at literally everything, people get tetchy. Do you feel bad for obese people, or do you just laugh? I am so unimpressed with this question. <-- like.... what the actual fuck. What would you do if you were obese? >> What do you mean, what would I do? Am I supposed to be doing something specific just because I’m fat? Like, you know, hate myself for existing in a way that isn’t acceptable to the society I live in? Bloody hell. Are you ashamed of your past? >> No. Do you miss your past? >> “My past” isn’t a real thing, it’s a story that my brain tells itself. There’s nothing to miss. Do you have a song lyric that describes where you are in life right now? >> If I did, there’s no way I’d be able to think of it right now. Who are you closest to in your family? >> --- Do you ever open up to people? >> Ever? Maybe. It’s always a possibility, if not a probability. Do you consider yourself guarded? Why or why not? >> Absolutely. Because I’m post-traumatic, that’s why. Are you an honest person? >> Sure. Do you like animals? >> I mean, I don’t actively hate animals or anything. I don’t have any specific feelings about the existence of other creatures on the planet.

Do you think doctors prescribe medicine too often? >> I wouldn’t know. I think that’s an opinion people assert when they are following an anti-meds agenda, but it’s not necessarily grounded in provable fact. Are you a control freak? >> I have tendencies. Do you enjoy getting drunk, or do you feel like you’re losing all control? >> No. I enjoy the buzz from a certain amount of alcohol, but anything beyond that is uninteresting and often annoying. I don’t feel like I’m losing control, exactly, I just feel logy and tired and irritable. Also, headaches. What do you think happens when you go into a coma? >> I assume it varies. Do you think the internet is dangerous? >> The potential for danger is always present when interacting with other people in any context, including digital.

Name all the social networking sites you use: >> Tumblr and Facebook are the only ones I use. Do you think anyone truly knows who you really are? >> “Who I really am” isn’t a concept that I find useful. People learn different things about me, are exposed to different personality traits and idiosyncrasies at different times, and filter all that knowledge through their own perceptions and biases and understandings. There is a different version of me for every person that perceives me, including myself, and all those versions are part of the intersocial network that forms the concept of “me”. (I’m sure if I lived completely alone in the middle of nowhere and had no contact with any other humans, my concept of myself would grow into something completely different -- it might grow even more fluid and less anthropomorphic, because the concept of the self is reinforced by our interactions with others.) Have you ever given anyone the chance to really get to know you? >> Sigh. Do you block people out of your life when they start to get too close? >> I don’t know, people getting close isn’t a situation I’m too familiar with these days. Who do you think has the most pressure to be good-looking; guys or girls? I think both experience a lot of pressure in very different ways. It’s not a contest. <-- Do you care what impression you make on people? >> Sometimes, depending on the person. Most of the time I understand that a lot of it is out of my control, unless I’m willing to do some things I really don’t want to do. Do you think TV is too much of an influence on today’s youth? >> I think That’s Complicated(tm). What do you think people would do if all the computers crashed? >> Like, if all computers stopped working at the same time? How... would that even happen, is my question. Unless something happened to the grid in general, or something. Any wide-scale breakdown of digital infrastructure would have immediate negative repercussions in this part of the world, though, I can wager that much. Honestly, do you say racist things? >> I can’t think of anything racist I’ve said in recent memory. Aside from your general “white people” jokes, I guess. I try to keep those to a minimum, though, because most of the time it’s just... unnecessary. Do your parents put way too much pressure on you? >> --- Has anyone you loved ever died? >> Sure. Do you think people overreact when their pets die? >> I don’t think people overreact at all. I think it’s the appropriate reaction, to be upset and to grieve. I think my disconnection to pets is stranger than normal people’s connection to them, which is why I’m always self-conscious about my detachment. People don’t like it when you don’t have feelings. Do you know who you are, or what you want to become? >> *gestures in frustration at my earlier ramble about selfhood* Do you have your future mapped out? Or are you just taking it day by day? >> I find the concept of planning out one’s future to be a little silly, although I understand it’s a perfectly reasonable and healthy thing for a human to do. It just... doesn’t work for me. The only stretch of time I can be confident of is the present, and even that’s questionable sometimes. What are you going to do now? >> I think I might go out for a short walk now, the temperature’s at a good place. I wish I could go somewhere specific -- a park would be incredible right now -- but I can’t be getting on public transportation for non-essential purposes. And I can’t go to the convenience store... Guess I’ll just... walk down the sidewalk and then back *shrug* (This would be a great time to have a dog to walk.)

[kroabot]

Love of God and How to achieve it (part 1 of 2)

Description: Types of love, what does loving Allah mean and what it necessitates, and the relationship between love of Allah and worship.

By Imam Mufti

Published on 14 Dec 2011 - Last modified on 25 Jun 2019

Printed: 589 - Emailed: 0 - Viewed: 29770 (daily average: 9)

Category: Lessons > Increasing faith > Means to increasing faith

Click here to play this lesson's video

Objectives

· To understand the different types of love.

· To understand what is meant by the love of Allah and what it necessitates.

· To appreciate how the love of Allah is different from other forms of love.

· To understand the relationship between the love of Allah and worship.

Arabic Terms

· Hajj – A pilgrimage to Mecca where the pilgrim performs a set of rituals. The Hajj is one of the five pillars of Islam, which every adult Muslim must undertake at least once in their life if they can afford it and are physically able.

· Salah - the Arabic word to denote a direct connection between the believer and Allah. More specifically, in Islam it refers to the formal five daily prayers and is the most important form of worship.

Love is such a rich phenomenon that some scholars suggest that it has no definition, it is known only by its effects. Love is categorized into different types in Islamic worldview. Some forms of love are healthy and encouraged, yet others are blameworthy. Some people or things we love are natural and we have no control over, whereas others build over time and develop into strong relationships.

The first type of love is emotional love, such as the love for one’s parents, children, and spouse. However it may vary in a sense, for example, the love of a mother for her child will be different from the love one has towards his or her spouse. In married couples, the love will be stronger if the spouse has qualities valued by the other like beauty, wealth, stability, or religious commitment. This type of love is not within one’s control. One is not responsible in front of Allah for loving one child more than the others.[1]

Love for one’s parents is also natural since a child has an innate inclination to love his parents. A child gets love and security from them and realizes the hardship they went through to raise them. By extension, one also loves his relatives and family members.

The second type of love is romantic love which can further divided into two types. The first type is when someone is in love with another person, yet the person fears Allah, and does not indulge in anything Allah has forbidden and remains chaste. The best solution for someone genuinely in love is to get married to the person if possible. If it is not meant to be, one must turn away from them for fear of falling into something forbidden by Allah.

The second type is when romantic love turns into an obsession. Obsessions in most cases take control of the person and become their main purpose of existence. Thus obsessive ‘love’ is forbidden and sinful. Scholars consider it to be an ailment of the heart that afflicts a heart empty of Allah’s love. Islamic Law has laid many safety nets to protect people from such destructive emotions that they themselves can not control.

The last category is the most sublime and pure form of love, the love of Allah. A Muslim should keep a few simple points in their mind:

First, love of Allah is not optional; it is required of every Muslim. It is an integral component of one’s faith as Allah states in the Quran:

“…But those who believe, love Allah more (than anything else)....” (Quran 2:165)

Second, love of Allah is different from all the above categories of love. Love of Allah is not a claim to be made; it is something that resides in the heart. The learned scholars of Islam consider love to be an ‘action’ of the heart, something that actually motivates the heart and moves a person to obey Allah and leave sins. Love of Allah is strongly related with the concept of worship in Islam and one’s faith. Worship is the fruit of a person’s love of Allah, and love of Allah in reciprocate is its aim. Love is the fuel behind worship that keeps it from becoming a habit. ALL acts of devotion, worship, and obedience spring from its fountain. The very definition of worship states that it is everything Allah loves and is pleased with. Love enters every good work we do. When we offer salah, read Quran, fast, perform Hajj, give charity, or remember Allah, His love should be part of it.

Third, love of Allah is different from natural, emotional types of love described above. True love of Allah is always combined with a feeling of awe in front of divine majesty and glory, a feeling of insignificance in front of divine might. On the other hand, love for one’s spouse or child is not coupled with such feelings of awe. What this means is that a person does not just say, ‘I love God’ and leave it there, but actually carries out what Allah loves and leaves what Allah has forbidden, because a person realizes Allah’s might and ability to punish.

Fourth, love of Allah supersedes love for anyone else. Whenever there is a conflict between the two, a person must give precedence to what Allah loves.

Fifth, the more a person obeys Allah and worships Him the more his love for Allah will grow.

[spamzineglasgow]

(ESSAY) The Ritual of Panic, by Rhiannon Auriol

Rhiannon Auriol situates panic in its personal, cultural and political contexts. With reference to fire festivals, witchcraft, film, visual art and literature, historical upheavals and contemporary crises, the essay considers the tensile, sometimes erotic, functioning of panic in relation to ritual, fetish, social boundaries and the pressures of adolescence.

> The opposite of an orgasm is a panic attack. It is also its twin. Both can leave you shaking. Breathless. Sweaty. You can have them in multiples (if you’re female-bodied), sometimes in a row for hours. There is a sense, to both, of a ritual release; once the last throes dissipate there is a violent shape of relief. And although the emotional aftermath of each is radically different, one thing is for sure – you always remember your first time.  

> The ritual of panic is brutal and cyclical. I had my first panic attack aged 14. At school, they were reliable company. I would lock myself in a toilet cubicle when I felt one coming. I learned early on how to have panic attacks very, very quietly. Learned to carry all the right kit in case of an emergency rendezvous with my panic: tissues, makeup remover, water, gum, rescue remedy (I’ve graduated now to cigarettes and CBD). I have been panicking in this routine for years; all my life high-functioning anxiety has affected by ability to form healthy relationships with food, sex and work. I came of age nervously and erratically, swinging from confidence to collapse on a roughly six-month rotation. Terrified and in thrall to my panic, I was prepared to try anything to satisfy its crippling needs. And in this way my panic became ritualistic, a deity, pacified ineffectually by a private ceremony performed in bathrooms up and down the country. I got by without ever asking why I felt so trapped in this cycle, without examining what my struggle showed about the myth of worry that so many live by. Then I tripped over an essay by Fiona Duncan which struck home with its line, ‘Anxiety is a story I am telling myself’. My panic controlled me through my belief in it, I realised.

> Ritual, panic and sexuality are old lovers, intimate enemies. One of the definitions of panic is ‘of or relating to the god Pan’, the pastoral deity and mythological figure who has been portrayed alternatively as a kindly satyr or a sexual-Satanic symbol of ritualistic sacrifice. The myth goes that if the sleeping god was disturbed, panic would ensue, the flocks and herds of his slumberlands scattered by the resultant wrath. In order to placate the divine sleeper and avoid panic, animals were ritualistically slaughtered at Pan’s altars, ancient blood spurting onto stone in perfect harmony with the people’s nervous heartbeats. Pan’s association with nature also ties him to ideas of fertility and sexuality, to the rhythms of the seasons and their accompanying rituals such as the pagan celebrations of solstices and equinoxes. To an extent these festivals, as with many religious rites, are also sacrificial acts, alternative performances of homage to the power of the worshipped object (be it moons or gods) while also hoping for protection from fearful forces of change.

> There is something to be said for exploring the erotic element of these acts. As a child I regarded pagan celebrations in the same light as sexuality; they seemed mysterious and thrilling peaks of energy, climaxes if you will, strange and enchanting and (according to my Catholic mother) forbidden. When I moved to Edinburgh for university, I was free to go to the Beltane Fire Festival on Calton Hill, a ‘ritual drama’ and Gaelic celebration of May Day which throbs and flickers with sexual energy – from the raw allure of the dancing to the fierceness of flesh painted red, flowers of fire streaking the night sky. I saw how Beltane welcomed chaos and through this sense of liberation and lightness, the darker side of our impulses, panic, was staved off.

> It is possible however for the object of worship to become fetishised through rituals, symbolically distorted into something it is not. In the 18th century ritualism began to be associated more and more with notions of perverse sexuality, as did the god Pan. The goat-like form of the nature god began to take on a Satanic symbolism, largely due to Christianity’s moral panic over anything to do with sexuality and alternative deities, both of which Pan embodied. Consequently, people who worshipped Pan or Satan were denigrated by mainstream society as Satanists, pagans, witches. Demonstrating this shift in attitude with his Black Paintings series the 1798 Francisco Goya painting Witches’ Sabbath depicts a Satanic Pan surrounded by a coven of worshipping yet cowering witches. The great goat is garlanded and presides over the painting as if a priest in ceremony, the object of awe but also fear as indicated by its emphasised size and centrality to the composition, as well as the terrifying eye contact it maintains with the viewer. One of the witches clutches a baby, suggesting at first the Christian ritual of baptism, except the way the infant is grazed by one of the Devil’s hooves means it could also be a sacrifice, thus the baby is transformed into a signifier of both life and death. As a symbol of fertility, the baby also contrasts with the barren landscape of the piece’s background, which is littered with the skeletons of children. Such ominous depictions of Pan became rife, particularly in Europe at this time. And through such widespread portrayals, the concept of Pan was fetishised as the image became more powerful than the reality, especially when coinciding with proximity to moments in history such as the Basque Witch Trials. The tendency towards fetishisation taps into something fevered and feared stemming from how our societies are organised – the psychosexual release that comes for many with the mystery of worship is tempered by the craving to have control over a dominant wildness in our being, to shape power into a more limited comprehension.

Francisco de Goya, Witches’ Sabbath, 1789, oil on canvas. Museo Lazaro Galdiano, Madrid.

> From witchcraft to devil worship and paganism (among a plethora of other beliefs and practices), people get nervous about what they can’t comprehend. Deviant sexuality makes people panic. In fact, anything considered out of the norm does – that is why ‘witches’ were hunted. Witch hunting was political panic warfare, of a kind we still see today and have done throughout history under different names and faces, from the Red Scare to the Satanic Panics of the 80s. A lot of the time politics is about Eros, not Logos, as evident from looking at how it is emotionally guided voting which underpins the rise and normalisation of extreme and dangerous political phenomena – 20th century fascism, Donald Trump, Brexit. Each of these things could be described as having been fetishised by its supporters, while creating a sense of extreme panic or doom in its opponents. Susan Sontag describes how ‘the fascist dramaturgy centers on the orgiastic transactions between mighty forces and their puppets’ where the former requires placation and the latter worships or is punished. Sontag goes on to locate Nazi control within a cult-like eroticism: ‘the colour is black, the material is leather…’.

> On the 29th March 2019, incidentally the day that Brexit was supposed to have its chaotic way, I experienced a major depressive episode which lasted most of the following summer, triggered by a violent panic attack which woke me up in the night and made me see static. Mine was unrelated to Brexit (at least consciously) but others’ mental health is being disastrously affected by the Brexit cacophony, from counselling for MPs to the new term of ‘Brexit anxiety’ the uncertainty is eroding the country’s peace of mind. In failing to make sense out of public sacrifice – very literally, in the form of taxation, time and trust – the ritual of government has failed over Brexit, something which we are perpetually made aware of thanks to the fuel of media panic. Yet even amidst so much chaos, tradition and structure are clung to, the rituals repeatedly performed (Boris Johnson asking the Queen for permission to prorogue Parliament strikes me as a prime example), still hopeful of something changing, something miraculously being fixed. This is comparable to the more quotidian scale of ritual action. We seek control over things we cannot predict or see, all these things keep happening and there is no control over any of them, so we fill each day with things, with plans and schedules and jobs and lists to try and wrestle something back but only succeed in being so busy that we cannot breathe at night.

> As was the case with the mythological rites to Pan, vital things are sacrificed to my panic – relationships, money, time, happiness. The normalisation of the anxiety-inducing rites of passage which we describe as ‘coming of age’ is reflected in the documentary film All This Panic (2016) which follows a group of teenage girls through their Upper West Side lives in modern day New York, that city of anxious architecture and nerve-wracking streets. Throughout the documentary, directed by Jenny Gage, the girls exude a childish confidence which fails to mask their inner struggles with anxiety. ‘There’s all this panic…people are texting each other all the time… I’m petrified of getting older’ are just a few such indicative lines in the film which capture the sharp contrast between a mulled blasé outward attitude and the confusion within as the girls ricochet between casual crises. They are analogous characters to J M Barrie’s creation Peter Pan, a figure whose defining feature is eternal youth, a boy forever, fetishising the state of childhood. Peter plays the pan pipes, an instrument named after the god Pan, and in possessing the secret to flight appears to be a free spirit – and yet ‘he can never quite get the hang of [life]’.[i] Exaggeratedly careless, the iconic character appeals to the desire in readers to regain the laissez-faire boldness of youth. Today however, this idealised formative country is under siege. All This Panic portrays a post-wounded girlhood where beneath the ritual of performative femininity – make-up routines and coven-like cliques – is a terror at what may be waking, at what has to be covered up.

> What All This Panic highlights is how the milestones and expectations young people are expected to meet as they carve out lives for themselves are literally ‘rites’ exerting immense pressure upon the individual to follow them, to perfect each one: the correct clothes must be worn, the magic words that will make everyone want to be friends with you must be said, everything must be documented online, everyone must know when you start having sex for the first time, and you hide the 99% of things which don’t measure up to the pretty and perfected life – such as losing your mind. But what happens when these rituals fail, when the sacrifice is not enough, when things go wrong, and the sleeping demon is woken? Panic.

> The artist Laurie Anderson treats panic with a dose of hope in her video We Are In Constant Panic Mode. She would have us ‘try to see these great surges in a mode that’s not panic’. When a wave of anxiety approaches instead of drowning in it, we should ‘find a really good way to ride that. Fighting is a disaster’. What I took from Anderson’s observation is that perhaps the death of panic is found not in liberation from fear but in its acceptance. As the news that ‘The Great God Pan is Dead’ struck despair through the hearts of the ancient citizens of Palodes, they were simultaneously freed to explore new conceptualisations and interpretations of the world. We have a habit of killing our gods, of suffocating our emotional life, denying our desires. Perhaps after all it is not the panic which must be fixed, but the rituals we are restricted by. Rituals which are distancing us from nature and distorting our spiritual clarity – rituals which are creating, rather than placating, all this panic. But first there are more immediate things sufferers of anxiety can do – seeking medical help, taking (prescribed) pills, reducing intake of caffeine and alcohol, meditation and reconnection to the natural world. Like first figuring out how to have an orgasm, the body and brain must learn how to make positive joyful connections rather than repressing those pathways, and that is what anti-anxiety medicine can help create. The stigma around taking pills and the fearsomely described side effects led me to the most ironic panic of all – anxiety over taking my anti-anxiety medication. But I took it anyway and stepped outside the prison of my panic. And that is how the ritual ends.

~

Text: Rhiannon Auriol

Illustration: Maria Sledmere

Published: 19/3/20

[i] Barrie, J. M. Peter Pan. 2008.

[ellenlucasonlinedatingblog]

Amelia Is Shouting: A Conversation About Abortion

Caroline Reilly

I wanted to have a candid conversation about abortion for the benefit of young people, like what to expect, how to help a friend having one, and the best candy to keep on hand for recovery, and I knew Amelia Bonow was just the right gal for the job.

In 2015, Amelia Bonow shared her abortion story to her Facebook page, and she forever changed the way many of us talk about abortion. What started as one moment in a long history of abortion storytelling turned into a larger movement, and Shout Your Abortion was born. Since its inception, SYA has been a feature in the abortion advocacy movement, creating a safe space for folks to talk about their abortions without shame or stigma. Most recently, SYA released a book; a beautiful candy colored collection of abortion stories, resources, and magnificent artwork – an celebration of the importance of abortion as a social good.

I’m lucky enough to call Amelia a friend. She is the raddest, most badass woman in town. She is always there to lend advice or support. Her bravery is infectious. She’s the kind of friend who gives you permission to be a more authentic, less apologetic version of yourself, because she is the most authentic and unapologetic version of herself and she’s so fucking cool you can’t help but want to be just like her. When faced with challenges or decisions big and small, I often find myself thinking, “What would Amelia do?” So, when I wanted to have a candid conversation about abortion for the benefit of young people, like what to expect, how to help a friend having one, and the best candy to keep on hand for recovery – I knew Amelia was the right gal for the job. Here’s what she had to say.

Can you walk me through what your own abortion experience was like? Did it hurt? What was your recovery like?

I remember waking up and getting ready for my appointment and feeling some sense of gravitas around the situation. I remember putting on my shoes and thinking to myself “I am putting on my Keds. I am wearing black Keds to have an abortion.” I wasn’t scared or upset, but the day had a sense of magnitude. As I walked into the clinic and settled into the waiting room, I realized that everyone there was having an abortion, that all of us had decided NOT to stay pregnant, and that the clinic staff was literally just here to help us all stop being pregnant. That felt really… special. I felt totally overcome with gratitude for the people working there—like, of all the jobs you could have, you have decided to help people have abortions all day, and in doing so, you are helping all these strangers live the lives they want to live. I just felt super grateful and in awe of the whole deal. So in a way, my abortion was this intensely special and unique emotional experience for me.

Although the procedure itself took about three minutes, I remember being at the clinic for hours. It’s a long day! But the procedure itself just felt like a totally run-of-the-mill medical experience—for me it felt physically comparable to having an IUD inserted. I couldn’t believe how quick it was, and how relatively painless. I don’t remember the recovery experience a ton, probably because there wasn’t much of one. I think I just laid in bed for a day with my boyfriend and ate a lot of delivery.

What are your top 3-5 items to have on deck post-abortion?

Hmm. I guess in my personal ideal would include someone to cuddle with, a pile of kittens, some CBD gummies, lots of crunchy salty things, and bubble water.

What was something you wish you knew going into your abortion that you know now?

I really can’t think of an answer for this one, my experience was pretty idyllic!

What’s would you tell your younger self about abortion? What would you tell any young person about it?

Abortion is a normal reproductive experience. You likely know LOTS of people who’ve had abortions, for all sorts of different reasons. Your abortion is yours to define! There’s a lot of cultural noise telling you how you’re supposed to feel or what this is supposed to mean to you, but ultimately you are the only person who knows whether you want to end your pregnancy and what it means to you to do so. There’s no right or wrong way to feel after an abortion; it’s ok if you feel sad, but it’s also totally ok if you don’t. And it’s totally normal—in fact, 95% of people who have abortions report feeling relived afterwards.

What’s the best way to support a friend who’s having or who has had an abortion?

Ask them if they’d like to talk about it. If they do, simply ask how they are feeling and be a good listener. If they don’t, ask if there is anything else you can do to support them. Maybe you can drop off some food or treats, or maybe they’d like to just have you come over and hang out in their space without talking. Maybe they’d like for you to check on them via text and send cute animal videos. I think the only best way to support someone through an abortion (or really anything!) is to ask them what they need.

How did you deal with ~haterz~ or people who judged you? What’s your advice for a young person going through the abortion process who has people in their life who aren’t supportive?

I didn’t experience any haterism from friends, family or people in my life—I’m very lucky in that all the people close to me are totally okay with abortion. All the haterz who come at me are essentially random people on the internet (although some of them are high profile conservative media people, they are still literally random people on the internet to me). I guess in terms of how I deal, I truly just do not give a fuck what those people think about my choices—their opinions are irrelevant to me. Like, would these people be bothered if I contacted them to let them know I think they are trash because I think that judgmental Christians are wrong about life? Of course they wouldn’t! Why would anyone care what some stranger with totally different values thinks about their choices? Unfortunately, many anti-choice people seem to feel like harassing people who have had abortions is like…a call from God or something. And in the last couple decades, all this harassment has successfully created a cultural climate in which silence and shame and secrecy are the norm. Someone like me represents a threat to them, because it is impossible to shame me for having an abortion. I am literally shameless. Not just about my abortion, but in general! Shame is fucked up and poisonous and it can totally derail people’s lives when they don’t find healthy ways to work through it. In my opinion, the best way to inoculate yourself against any kind of shame is to be just accountable to yourself and the people you respect and fuck what anybody else thinks about your choices.

What are some resources where young people can learn more about abortion or get abortion support?

Of course, there’s Scarleteen, which has been an unparalleled resource for inclusive, accurate, affirming info about sex and reproductive health for decades. (You can find out about our direct services and how to access them here.) All-Options is a toll free hotline which provides unconditional, judgment-free support for people in all of their decisions, feelings, and experiences with pregnancy, parenting, abortion, and adoption. I haven’t used them but I’ve heard wonderful things.

As far as abortion positive media, I’ve gotta plug the Shout Your Abortion book, which was released last November! It’s a collection of stories and tons of art and creative organizing ideas for people who want to get more comfortable talking about abortion and learn more about what it’s actually like to have one. Or more than one! The book is beautiful and I’m so incredibly proud of everyone who was a part of the project. Also, if you sign up for the SYA mailing list sometime soon (don’t be scared, we send like one email a month) we’re just about to launch a book club program where you and your friends can get a pile of free or discounted books and we’ll send you swag and discussion questions!

Can you talk a little bit about sex and abortion? Why is it important for sex positivity to be part of the abortion conversation?

A lot of pro-choice advocacy feels like it’s trying to keep the conversation as far away from sex as possible, arguing for abortion rights on the grounds of economic stability, medical safety, the right to self-determination. One thing we rarely ever talk about is that we should have the right to have sex without fearing that if an unwanted pregnancy happens, we will be forced to make a baby that we don’t want.

All of us all been conditioned to avoid talking about sex when we talk about our abortions. “Wanting to fuck” is definitely not on the traditionally approved list of acceptable reasons why you got pregnant. I think that’s ridiculous! It’s especially ridiculous when I think of like, how many cis men are huge babies about wearing a condom because it makes their dick feel slightly cooler to do it without one. And at the end of the day, literally NO ONE ever looks at a pregnant person who wants an abortion and is like, “Why didn’t your partner choose to wear a condom?”. Women are framed as solely responsible for unwanted pregnancies AND we are solely blamed for our abortions AND we are somehow supposed to avoid correlating any part of the situation with positive sexual experiences.

All that said, not everybody likes talking about sex (or having it for that matter) and being comfortable talking about sex is not some sort of feminist imperative or badge of honor. I think that the concept of sex positivity has mutated in some unfortunate ways, so that sometimes it feels like just another source of pressure for women to be very sexual in a particular way. You are not a bad feminist if you want monogamy! It’s okay if you hate sex or think it’s overrated! Just because you don’t like rough sex doesn’t mean you are repressed! And you don’t need to talk about sex if that doesn’t feel right to you. However, I think it’s important to look at the reasons why abortion and sex are rarely discussed in the same breath, even though they are, ahem, intimately related.

To that point – any advice for how to talk to your partner about sex after abortion?

If you are the partner who got someone pregnant, I would advise that you ask questions, listen, and do your very best to find out how your partner is feeling, emotionally, physically, psychologically, and find out what they need from you in all of those areas in order to feel good. I think especially with something as sensitive as sex, we should air on the side of over communicating. Your partner can always say, “We don’t need to talk about this anymore,” if that’s what they want.

Young people in 37 states have to either let a parent know they’re having an abortion, or go to court to get permission from a judge. What words of wisdom would you have for young people facing that process?

For help navigating judicial bypass, I would recommend contacting Jane’s Due Process. They are focused on helping minors get abortions without parental consent in Texas specifically, but their hotline can help you find a referral to an org that might be able to help you in your area. I would also definitely advise that young people facing a judicial bypass call All-Options. Ideally, you will have friends or other supporters around you, but even if you do it might be nice to process the situation in a totally anonymous way, with experts who are familiar with your type of situation. Overall, please just remember that you are not alone.

What should young people look for in a provider?

I’m a huge fan of independent abortion providers. Most of us in the United States associate Planned Parenthood with abortion care, but indie providers actually provide the majority of abortions in this country. Indies are smaller, community focused health clinics, and indie providers are very serious about providing abortion care. The indie providers I know are the most caring, compassionate people I’ve ever met, and they’re incredibly dedicated to making sure that each patient they see receives an exceptional level of care. Because abortion access is steeply declining, not all of us can afford to be super selective about which provider we choose, but I suggest checking the indie provider list at Abortion Care Network if you are able to shop around a little bit.

I think that there are a couple questions you could ask to help you be comfortable with a provider. For starters, you might ask how long they’ve been providing abortion care and what called them to do that work. Their answer to that might help you to extrapolate whether they share your values. You also might just ask them to walk you through the abortion process, ask some questions, and see whether you like the way they communicate and the vibe between you. I also like asking providers whether they provide trans health care and how they feel about that, even though I’m not trans. To me, a provider’s level of comfort discussing trans health care can tell me a lot, including whether or not they’re interested in practicing patient centered care.

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