#the fact that i cried nonstop to the point of quitting my dumb little job

[chocohuahua]

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[wodnes--coyotl]

a note on odin (on that post/reblog I made earlier): I don't wanna scare people. I think anyone who follows me probably has had their own experiences and already knows - but I think if you "have never seen that side of Odin yet" you should consider yourself ... well in some part lucky, but also, my introduction to Odin wasn't "ooh scary". I mean, I had read on r/heathenry about people's feelings - reverently, not the majority, but a large chunk of people have/are/will be saying shit like "Odin did XY thing when I asked for XY, and you will get what you asked for, but only after heavy trial". I can't say they're wrong, but I also approach magick in this way, you are asking a DEITY for something instead of just doing it yourself, and they will likely, at least in Odin's case, push you to do do it yourself with plus bonus help. In Odin's case sometimes he will do it for you and you might not fucking like it at first, or he will make his take on the matter very fucking clear. After my trip, I was pretty shook. But I'm also a pretty heavy-handed and fatalistic person myself, so I'm sure that Odin felt his actions were... well, would be understood by me, since I made it clear that I was in the business of understanding him (I would like to say while typing this I am either smelling a weird smell due to something I can't track down in my house or am hallucinating a smell which I do not typically do but have done sometimes and so here we are...not sure if the smell of some kind of painting chemical which makes sense or shaving cream...). I think the issue here is simply fearing it, ... won't really gain you any favors. I had to fight this urge a lot. We faced a lot of times when like, for real, we were not sure if we were gonna make it out alive on this trip and I had to put my trust in something I couldn't see to make sure that didn't happen, while actively fearing it was partially due to him. Very weird dynamic and not my favorite. And some people will be quick to point out, the shit Odin sacrificed, of his own, or the lives of others,.... that doesn't count for nothing. Take that as you will. It doesn't have to be quite so bloodthirsty as like, the myths and brosatru's might have us believe, but uh, it... it kinda is at the same time. That being said, I have had many altar moments with Odin that were warm. I don't really "hang out" or "talk" to deities and I don't entirely understand it when people do or say they do in a casual sense, I certainly talk to them and am casual if I feel I can be, if not even crass (with Odin, at times), and I've had moments that were shockingly vocal in the mundane, I've even had some really funny tarot divination convos about some shit that maybe wasn't "the most important" and I was surprised at how honest and real the response was - very different than just "me pulling tarot" (I will say, I do feel like Odin can and will hijack my tarot but I KNOW it's him). I've felt his reassurance almost like a hand on my shoulder, and in the same sense, a warm and comforting laugh. I have also felt his absence in the time when I needed comfort most. In fact, when G died, the gods were fucking silent. And they had been for two months. This was after like, nonstop interaction. I settled with it, clearly there was a reason for this. Things were going awry anyways. It was the middle of winter. Then he died. There were things, in the month, and week, and days preceding, that were clues, but I wouldn't have known at the time. I even wrote a poem that unfortunately seemed a little too prophetic. On a Wednesday of course. Oh God, I cried the Wednesday before he died, I was biting my nails for everyone in the family, and it never crossed my mind that it would be big G and not someone else. Of everyone who was taken. Well. It's not a competition, but his loss has been a big one. One of the biggest ones. I still can't believe it. However, not only were the gods 'silent', I was dumb to the obvious signs. The guy who drank and almost died at my workplace, the robbery, the lightning strike *and the hopper, the blues

duo, long story, but if not even from Odin inherently, it was a collaboration of..well...something. Oh, and the pagan couple* who only showed up when trouble was abound but they showed up to wish me well, and then, well, kind of disappeared. The couple that only showed up when Loki entered in my life, when I asked for a 'sign of the hammer', and there they were. Odin, Loki, and I believe at times Freyja and Thor, were trying to desperately tell me, between his death and my quitting my job for this trip. I mean everyone in the neighborhood talked about that lightning strike for weeks.

They were loud on our trip. Just as they were on mom's trip. I wish I could remember what in the hell caused me to look up mom's ink. Her big strange O tattoo on the back with Cerberus which made only partial sense (now) and none (then). It was 2 months after she died - G's trip about 3 months after his death. I felt the space the gods gave while sending me urgency. But the kind of people who have shown up from Odin and Loki, the kind of sheer miracles of nature, it's not to be laughed at. And one of the wildest parts is other people don't get it, won't believe you, don't, and you can't really spend the time explaining it all anyways, nor should you, because it isn't their's to even know.

Well, I'm going on tangents, I can feel The Presence, when I write like this. The hooded drifting towards me, show shuffle and tall presence inside the house. It is neptune retrograde, and before I learned that, on the full moon in my own damn moon sign, I pulled the hanged man for today.