#the fire really solidified to me what i actually care about so im trying to finally actually pull off the mari kondo-ing

[ccsthemovie2]

(I think it's a word over 500, but:)

"Speaking of Tsukishiro, how's he doing?", Eriol asks. Frying pan to fire to volcano.

"He's good," Touya says quickly, before Sakura can say anything. Yukito is not even in the ballpark of "good". Yesterday he called Touya and begged him to bike over and said it was important and when Touya showed up he was asleep, and stayed fast asleep right through to the next morning. He keeps trying to make appointments with doctors, and then falling asleep before he can call, or, when Touya calls for him, before he can make it out the door. Privately, Touya isn't sure how much good a doctor can do for him, but anything has to be better than this, right?

"Really? I'm glad to hear it." Ugh, how much has Sakura told him. Not that she doesn't have a right to talk to her friends, but, come on, would it kill her to least keep it between her and Tomoyo and the funny looking cat.

He's good, that's an obvious lie. Ruby has said Yukito could barely stand upright at school. Every inch of Touya Kinomoto is packed full of magic. Sooner or later, Eriol figures, either Sakura will be powerful enough to sustain him, or Yue will have to get over himself and just eat already. Touya can't actually do anything with his magic, so it's not like Yue, even weak as he is, will have to face much of a struggle to take it. (Aside from competition with Ruby, of course. There's something to that, right, articles and studies about animals being healthier if they need a bit of careful planning to get their food? Yes, so this works out nicely.)

Or maybe- oh, that's probably it. Yue's on to him, isn't he? He's just being stubborn as usual, figuring sooner or later Clow will appear via Eriol and save him. He can imagine how surprised, overjoyed, grateful Yue would be, if Eriol showed up and saved his life. He can imagine Yue's head resting on his neck as clearly as if he had kept Yue well-fed with magic a thousand times in his lifetime. It would be nice, in the short run, but it wouldn't be right, no. Clow is dead, and Yue needs to learn to live with that. If he knows what's good for him, he will take responsibility for his own life, and if he doesn't...

Ahh, well, maybe it's Clow's old sentimentality, maybe Eriol is just warming up to Sakura's moon guardian all on his own, but he can't bring himself around to the idea of letting Yue just die. He'd save him, if it came down to it. But, he tells himself sternly, only as an absolute last resort. He's just worrying because he misses Yue and wants to get to know him better all at once in that past-and-future way- it's worth a visit, soon. Yes, a nice little visit, and Yue will never even have to know it happened. Just to check in.

(sorry the formatting got weird when i copypasted lol!)

hiiii thanks for the ask!!!

if we talk about this convo we need to back up and talk about how it got here. this should give you some idea of how badly this needs to be under a cut for length lol.

so it all starts with the bit about how someone falling and being caught is something that happens a lot in ccs. how with eriol, it's purposeful, and with fujitaka (and i misremembered it but since found out she fell *on* him and not *caught* by him, which lolol i hope he broke a bone, but also its fine the fic's already marked canon divergent, or maybe the story gets misremembered, whatever, in any case), it's an echo of clowriol's intentional artificial-trustbuild-dangersaves but without the magic or purpose to back it up (just like fujitaka himself!), but it's a situation he quickly makes favorable to him, because it may be a blank slate but it's made of the same material.

this whole convo was part of one of the very first chunks written, but everything was going to go in a very different direction at first. (there's a lot of Cut Content from this fic, some that i just didn't like, some that wasn't connectable with the rest of the fic after it took the shape it took but might pop up somewhere else one day idk). in this particular bit i cut the later half of the conversation because i really didn't like what i'd written, but then even though the direction of the story changed the conversation was still going so it had to bounce somewhere else, so it bounced to yukito. here we are answering your ask 2 paragraphs in!

yukito, iirc in the anime, did catch her from a fall, (in the manga, which made way more sense for why she had to change her clothes and rest so much, he saved her from drowning, again iirc because who can trust a memory) and at a point where eriol still has some investment in making yuekito/sakura (ewwwww) happen, he's going to try and draw on that symbolism to nudge her in that direction, right?

so all this said, SPEAKING of yuekito. how are they doing.

bad, obviously. touya's freaking out. i imagine that part of what's stopping yukito from seeing a doctor is yue, though- he knows it wont help, and i dont think yukito has, like, person insides that will stand up to medical tests, and yue would pick up on yukito like, not wanting to be outed to the doctor as a magic construct because he, like, doesnt actually have a real heart that pulses, just a repeating heartbeat sound. doesn't for real have blood etc to test, just records of blood type (for personality reasons).

and also touya's a very like keep-ur-problems-not-everybodys-business type so hes like imagining sakura venting her fears to this weirdo and getting pissed off. but that didnt actually happen, eriol knew all on his own lolol. touya you have to say something nice should happen to sakura to make up for wrongly suspecting her now

and this bit on eriol's end is all wrong information and inaccurate conclusions and i was really worried ppl would take it at face value but i hope nobody did. in ccs we get moments where eriol wants sakura to take power, or to learn that power can be taken- his final battle with her, for example, where the answer to his light and dark puzzle is to use kero and yue's power, except that's not something she would ever Want to do or would even Occur to her to try. the power is gifted to her by kero and yue (and syaoran!) because they love her.

same concept, here- the answer to the 'yue is dying' puzzle is to eat touya's power, and he can't imagine the real reason why he won't just do that, and when he thinks about it too long it goes right to his ego- yue looovvvvesss clow, and by extension me. he wants meeeeeee to save him. he wants to neck kissy MY magic soo sooooo bad. but yue isn't considering any of that at all. he's thinking about yukito and what touya means to yukito and why that would make yukito hesitate to reach out, and that no way in hell will he just ambush his other self's crush down a dark alley and take his magic, even to save both their lives. he's a lot more selfless than clow and eriol ever realize. maybe- this is just a half formed thought right now, i dont know if im like certain about it, but- maybe they feel his devotion to clow was a form of selfishness, that he Wanted Love as a thing he could hold and own, whereas pretty much everybody else who meets him goes like YOU SELFLESS MAN YOU CANT JUST DIE FOR PPL YOU CARE ABOUT YOU GOTTA TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF TOOOO

and there’s also that bit of teacherliness intrinsic to the three of them again: im doing this to teach him a lesson. im letting ruby do her thing without telling her what’s going on to help and encourage yue, etc.

anyway, that (in terms of fic weaving itself into canon) solidifies his decision to do uhmmmm a thing that creeps me out real bad in the anime (knocking yue out to have a moment with him, and oh, ding, there's another 'you fell but i caught you' moment!). eriol loves this manner of hanging out with people, you see it later in this fic, even:

It's important to say what's in your heart to the people you want to say it to, even if you have to make sure the other person never hears it. It's important for your own emotional freedom.

he loves to spend time with people exclusively on his terms, to the point where the other party never even knew he was there, because he knocked them out, or because he was just staring creepily at the outside of sakura's house while she did homework, etc etc etc.

tldr: it's all connected, aaaaaaaaa

[mayabishopapologist]

station 19 - season 4, etc

this is long but i want to put down my thoughts before thursday comes and i guess i have A Lot To Say.

honestly didn’t pay much attention to this show until halfway through season two—  always liked maya and was glad that they gave her more to do. going into season 3, i was excited for more character development &stronger storylines. however, by the end of  301 the dip in quality was glaringly obvious. a quick google search revealed that there was a new showrunner and, well, it showed. 

while the show had been going in a really good direction with balancing the screen time between andy and the other regulars, this season, the plot was all over the place. it was uber dramatic and just. so much happened just to happen? seemed like every other episode had a major event(deaths alone; ryan,rigo,pruitt?!!?). they were so frequent, it was hard to process. it was also hard to get invested as the characters themselves moved on(or were shown to have moved on, extremely quickly!) 

i enjoy the show for what it is and i have no delusions about broadcast tv shows (or shondaland productions, for that matter)but the suspension of disbelief.... i mean: a stabbing, a robbery, a shooting and a car crash? all in one episode? please! lmaooooo. drama for dramas sake is always boring and weakens the story.  

& as for the characters... .

everyone felt like a hollow version of themselves this season and it was hard to watch sometimes, actually. characters switched motivations /personalities for the sake of the current episode and i know this show is very ‘monster/emergency of the week’ but. some consistency! please! like—

maya: she’s always been determined and focused but they went so far with it this season, it was almost cartoonish. her competitiveness was hinted at in season 2 but she was always portrayed as self aware. ‘the beast,’ as she dubbed it to andy, was something she knew of and tried to contain, because she knew it could get out of hand. 

yet, in season 3 she suddenly forgets this and just. becomes the most power hungry/singularly focused person, ever. she goes after the captain position behind andy’s back, (citing andy’s emotional state, because of the death of her best friend as a reason she shouldn’t get the job?? huh. since when is maya this purely callous??!) she just doesn’t give af, suddenly, about andy at all, and goes for a job that she is hardly qualified for(she was lieutenant for like, a few months?)

and then after she gets the position, she just. loses all sense of reality? literally she was so unhinged(fun to watch but so much) and it was like. um?? maya has never been the uptight one (they've mentioned and depicted andy as being the one like this, multiple times!) and we know she knows how to have fun, so, for her to all of a sudden just. not know how to read the room? yeah okay. to make her so intense and severe, especially w the drills and training was, a choice. a bad one, on the writers part. like, i get that they needed her start as captain to be dramatic or whatever,  but there were ways to do that. and even the animosity with the team and her went so far, i just think that whole storyline was amazingly lazy, honestly.  

and the friendships!! andy and maya’s friendship is just, a mess. at this point they've spent more time at odds, and the idea that they're supposed to be best friends with this super close bond? yeah, i just... i dont buy it tbh. if they'd spent more time building up their connections and making us understand why they would be friends and showing them being there for each other past a few scattered scenes her and there? maybe. but so far, that hasn't been the case.  making that bond real, solidifying that friendship, would have made this conflict have more of an emotional impact. but doing it now? making maya ‘turn’ on andy, this soon and this drastically just. it made her seem like she was extremely jealous and had been waiting to pull the rug out from under andy all along. and also, why would they stay friends when, so far, maya has showed, time and time again, that she’s willing to let her wants/ambitions leech on her loyalty to andy? (jack thing, job thing, etc). although, it’s not like andy’s a good friend to maya either, she’s selfish and seems to like it when maya is in her corner but isnt always there for her. they went so far with the idea that maya was this coldly calculating asshole that she was almost a villain?? it was so silly to me.

and the traumatic home life plot they gave to maya was clearly their attempt at some adding nuance to her character and trying to explain why she would act the way she did, but to me? it fell flat. it was rushed, and they went from zero to 100(why did her mother come to talk about her divorce/abuse at maya’s job? like she was literally working? idgi. no boundaries lmaoo) 

and i actually relate and sympathize w maya a lot. and while i liked that they were exploring the many ways abuse can present itself, it was very... hm, ham-fisted. just super rushed and then wrapped up so quickly. they have, i think, written themselves into this dark place i fear they have no intention of exploring. 

and while i understand it, i hated how far they let maya go, especially because i don't feel they’ll adequately address it. they move on so quickly( maya was deaf for like half a season and then. she just. wasn't) and i hate the idea of her just being ‘fixed’. a relationship and an apology doesn't undo years of abuse, idc. also will they ever address maya’s um, thoughts about death??? because that was super heavy and not just something someone gets over? going to need for her to get actual professional help. that isn’t her girlfriend, like. asap. 

speaking of carina, i do like her and maya together a lot. big part of why i watch, ngl. but i need their relationship to be a lot more reciprocal. like, lets dial it back on the codependency, maybe. carina cant (and shouldn't have to) hold her up so much ! that’s not love. also maya needs to start being a good girlfriend. they started off that way, i know they can get back there. but like, we hardly got to see them settle into it, we got those cute 30sec clips of sweetness then maya was lashing out and cheating and it was like. wait a minute! what??? 

for s4, i want to see them working at reconciling—im talking, groveling, awkward in-between moments where carina isnt sure she can trust her. okay, tough conversations, hell, even jealousy because let's be real. maya working with jack is a lot for carina to just. take? i know i absolutely would not be happy about that, but i also wouldnt take maya back so... anyway! brushing over that would not just be a missed storytelling opportunity, but it would also be super unfair to carina and do a huge disservice to their relationship as a whole. as cute as they are, having cute moments with no real depth would get very old, very quickly.

carina: what can i say but-perfect, amazing, fantastic, WOW

seriously, carina is almost unrealistically perfect. she takes a lot and has been through the most (can they be nice 2 her this season? like just for fun) going forward, im going to need her to be more than a plot device to calm and soothe maya. i get that she was introduced as a love interest, but in season 4(as a season!!regular!!) that cant be all she is.

speaking of, it was really weird to me that she was promoted to station 19 and not greys because... what is a gynecologist going to do at a fire station? the general consensus seems to be that she’ll join warren’s PRT but like. she’s not a general surgeon so that’s a reach but, i want her around so ill buy it. i just want better and more for her tbh. not just screen-time, but also character development and depth! also friends! tired of carina being isolated, they did it on greys which. a waste! i meaaan, amelia was RIGHT. THERE. just look at the material! for s19, i want her, vic and travis to be friends or even just her and vic, like yesplease! i also want to know more about her and im tired of her being treated badly. like, i think society had progressed past carina being shitted on, thanks!

vic: my fave!!! they did so lazy by her this season ugh. she’s so charismatic and charming and just so good!! yet, her storyline was all over the place. we hardly got to see her sit with her grief  (spontaneous crying aside; barrett doss is so good!) she was just kind of... around. and that relationship w jackson. lol. it was so obviously for crossover potential and well. i didnt hate it or like it. actually, i was mostly indifferent. bored, even when they were onscreen together. i just didn't care and wanted more of vic, not vic and whoever. i know they're up in the air rn but i wouldn’t be torn up if he doesn’t come back. 

i want more for vic past just romantic entanglements. i know we’ve gotten a bit of her past, but i would like to see more! also, what about employment accomplishments? her artsy theatre friends? her family? just. more vic, please!!

she’s so fun and cool and when they let her, she shines. they need to let her! 

jack: my boy! so dumb, but i love him sm. he def needs like. major help, though lmao. and maybe it’s just me but im tired of his sex addict plot. like, we get it, but can we move on now? kthanks. they need to let him work on himself especially, the constant self sabotage. it's getting old. for ALL of them, actually, seriously, how many times can they all get in their own way.

andy: don’t really think about her. the mom storyline seems like it would be wonderfully dramatic, im intrigued. she and sullivan are cute, i guess. hope they make it.

ben: no major issues w his storyline, hardly remember it honestly. i liked the rapport he was building w vic and want them to explore that relationship more, its cute. 

travis: so funny and adorable, let him do more.

dean: loved him in all his entitled first born African son glory. i didnt so much love the baby plot but that always bores me. his sudden love for vic though. lol. since when? it def, came out of no where and while i really enjoy their friendship, to me, there is zero romantic chemistry there so i would prefer it if they just. stopped. lmao. also. the way he treated her because he could get a handle on his emotions? ridiculous. has humanity not like, gotten past the ‘he’s mean bc he likes you’ thing?? like grow up maybe?

and this isnt just about dean but like. are there not more single young people in seattle? why do they all have to sleep with the same 5 people. ik for the sake of plot, workplace relationships are easier but still. i think they should branch out. really. 

overall, i want better for all of them, and i think if the writers would just. take a moment and stop trying to tell so many stories in such little time, they could do better! also, whoever’s out there. please, enough w the crossovers! dont want to be forced to watch greys just to know what’s happening on 19. i get that they're in the same universe. it’s only mentioned every other episode. we. get, it. i liked what they did with private practice, it was like once every few seasons. and i know they won’t do that, but maybe, two a season. 

this is so much. but this how does have a ton of potential and i just really want it . like, get there.

[itsakpopalypse]

Lou/Kim Hosung Astrology: How He Loves

OML he’s so precious i wanna squish his cheekies

As always 18+ under the cut

“omg i loved your astrology ask - romantic breakdown with Ayno so much! Can I get one for Lou, please?😊” - @randomkpopfiction

A/N I'm so happy to hear you’ve been enjoying my posts ! Here you go , I hope that you like it !!

Let’s talk tall boi

okay so his big 3 by our best estimation is Aries Rising, Sagittarius sun and Taurus moon, 2 fire and an earth

His chart lean is pretty evenly split between fire and earth, with one more earth and one air. no water whatsoever

that’s notable because water is the emotional element, so that suggests he isn’t prone to big emotional driven actions

we will get into that more as we go 

it’s just something that sets the tone of his chart

also his perfect split between mutable and cardinal suggests he can take the lead or be incredibly adaptable

so he actually seems very chill just looking at those facts 

for the romance-y stuff lessgo

Aries are confident go-getters, so he will seem pretty sure of himself in all situations

whatever he does he puts his WHOLE DAMN ASS INTO IT

we do not half ass anything in this house we whole ass it

can be a little brash, but his moon will help stop that from being too prominent since Taurus is basically the slowest moving most careful earth sign. 

since Aries is a cardinal sign though, he may seem a little intense and take charge in situations where others don’t seem to have their stuff together

Sun in Sagittarius, he is adventurous, lacks fear, and longs for intellectual insights, like he will ask you so many questions and fire back anything he thinks fits his own life

is really interesting to converse with

probably really laid back but still willing to talk to anyone

the kind of person who could make friends anywhere and with anyone

probably super curious and less cautious than he should be 

Taurus moon is affectionate but a bit shy and likes things to be very familiar

they are generally uncomfortable with change so his sun is a great balance to push him into more outgoing settings and to try new things

even if his moon will be a little filled with butterflies 

aw im soft

since your moons is the depth of your feelings he is steadfast and intentional

slow moving but once he has chosen for himself it is his focus

he will be a steady and reliable partner, but still be fun and spontaneous since his sun is so fiery. 

honestly looking through this chart I’m like he would be anyone's coolest best friend and just vibe in the most interesting way what a neat person?? where do i get one ???

let’s translate these and his other signs into a relationship starting with 

FLUFF

listen Sagittarius is the peter pan right? 

he doesn't WANNA grow up 

he wants to experience life and DO THINGS

but his Taurus moon will probably make him shy away even though his heart is BURSTING OKAY

Taurus is also one of the more artistic minded and sensual signs 

so he is creative and romantic and probably loves a cheesy rom com with cuddles

you may have to encourage his courageous side when emotions hit but you may have to chill him out where danger is involved

since his Mercury is Capricorn which is the cardinal of earth he will be really smart about his communication

so he will think things out well and be incredibly clever and quick witted

it suggests his humor is a bit sarcastic and savage and honestly 

like i consider Cap the most ‘millennial’ humor 

as in sarcasm and self deprecation 

but since that Aries stands proud he will probably still simultaneously know he’s pretty fantastic

like he knows he is awesome but also judges himself really hard probably

Venus in Sagittarius so this is interesting

of the fire signs it’s kind of more reserved romantically

Has REALLY high standards when it comes to what he wants in a relationship and intends for them to be met

not like how you look or sound or whatever

but will not tolerate disrespect of degradation on either side

has a lot of pride in keeping his relationships solid and communicative

an enthusiastic speaker, once he has set you as a comfortable person to communicate with he will lean into that and probably has a zillion incredibly interesting things he has pondered over about life and love that he wants to have deep conversations about

he would be the coolest to have talks about really relative things

might need some pushing if you want to discuss emotions 

that Taurus moon will win out only if you nourish and validate his feelings

so if you meet and he likes you somewhere a long the line, it will be a push and pull between Sagittarius wanting to love everyone and Taurus wanting to be sure of someone

the philosopher mind of a Sagittarius will draw him to you platonically and if you are affectionate, steady and warm his Taurus will basically flop down like a huge dog and beg for pats-metaphorically

His venus suggests that he would love to entice you with his wit, his spontaneity and his laughs,

He knows he is charming and full of life and he will use it against you 

and probably tease the ever living shit out of you for it

say he is cracking jokes or being adorable and you stare at him fondly, or giggle at a joke

he will be playful back

expect him to call you out

he is going to say something like “Oh I know I am beautiful but you’ll wear my face out staring like that.” with a wink

honestly a little shit sometimes wtf

doesn’t get jealous and doesn’t tolerate jealousy

so if you start as friends it will be this seamless fit into his friend group and he won’t even care if Ziu lays all over you or whatever

it won’t even seem abnormal to him even if he likes you

in fact he will probably just join the cuddle huddle or make sarcastic jokes about it

Sagittarius venus love fun and new experiences but they are not about to enjoy a shallow relationship

expect him to solidify boundaries and ask you out officially pretty quickly 

They are not a flighty sign even though they are a bit in the clouds sometimes 

the love an intense and passionate love and will not settle for less

Get you those healthy boundaries Lou

so i imagine as adventurous but thoughtful as his blend of signs is, especially with a Virgo Mars

he is going to think of the most interesting and sincere way to ask you out

maybe plan a day trip somewhere special

idk a hike or the beach or something 

and after he’s spent the entire day building memories with you 

he will ask you if you want to keep making these memories

maybe show you a little album on his phone of the selfies he’s taken with you for the last few months

wow soft and cute i love it 

and if you say yes he is going to start by being like oh yeah okay cool

then he will walk a few steps away and turn his back and start freaking out about how happy he is

a bouncy giggle mess over there and you’re like.... are you okay

he’s like.... *cough* yes I am FINE

sure you are

his north nodes is Libra so he is likely to need you around as he accomplishes goals

basically he wants to experience life with you and not separate from you and will work to make sure those goals align with each other

probably neither against nor particularly for public displays of affection

it will matter most to him that you are there with him, and if you want to add affection into it he won’t be opposed

but expect snark

“If you need to hold on to me you can.”

I also see him as the type to fall asleep on you during movies and really relish if he wakes up still in your arms

really low key affection is his thing

probably writes i love you on your leg with his finger when you are in the car or around people but he doesn’t wanna shout it out

likes to put his chin on your head and kiss the top of your head so gently

gently cups the side of your face and stares into your eyes all dreamy 

HAND KISSES

so cute I’m soft 

soft hours are closing

18+  below the cut

must he do this I’m scared

WOOOP 

spicy talk 

INTENSE

playful but intesnse

Sagittarius are exploratory signs  so that will probably make it into the bedroom ngl

like they like new experiences

so he is going to be learning things and sitting you down to talk about hard yes’s and no’s

we stan healthy communcation

maybe a little switchy?

I think he prefers to be in charge of your pleasure but I think he would be down to try laying back and letting you take the reins

to be honest he seems like he would really be into blindfolding ?

like blindfold him and tell him he has to make you cum but he has to do it with just his hands

jfc those hands i think you’ll be okay

lives for excitement and trust in a relationship

it has to go both ways, the Taurus moon demands it

he wants you to trust him with your whole being and he will give that in return

he wants you to be greedy with your own pleasure

“Touch yourself for me baby, I wanna see you”

looks at you like a work of art he wants to paint with his hands and tongue and cum

probably nasty but in the absolute most intimate way

hey you know what he sounds like saying give me more already I expect that’s what you hear after your third orgasm sorry I don’t make the rules

with a Virgo mars (his actions) mixed with so much Sagittarius expect him to treat you like his own personal experiment

really wants you to be as vocal about it as he is 

communicate what you like and don’t

wants you to ride him so he can watch you and comment on how beautiful you are

“you want me to fuck you hard you have to earn it.”

teasing little shit i stg

the Taurus makes me think he is kind of really intimate about it all

the kind of guy who might spank you , but will massage it gently after, 

holds onto the back of your neck and pulls you into his thrusts 

probably furrows his brow in concentration

and he has this like.. excitable side with all this fire energy that makes me feel like he gets really energetic about the whole ordeal

like he is SO AMAZED you are letting him touch you that he just kinda 

implodes

probably makes the softest little groans when you run your nails down his chest

wants to be marked in places no one else can see

doesn’t think of it as ownership or “marking” in  a traditional way

thinks of it as little reminders on his skin for only you two to know about 

that’s kinda beautiful tbh 

aftercare is probably haphazard but it will involve a lot of touching,

like none of his signs are particularly care-taker-ey 

but he will be sure you get lots of affection after more intense sessions so  you feel loved and protected

probably kisses your face all over and pulls you into an embrace

mumbles about your future together as you fall asleep 

it’s really cute aw

TWO MORE MEMBERS and both have been requested, expect them soon!

thank you for requesting and while I have a few more astrology posts and one request for a short story coming down the pipeline, I also have a oneshot I wrote on my own and am currently editing coming. Expect some stuff!!

Requests are open !

[bellatrixobsessed1]

The Mechanical Dragon (Part 7)

Zirin reaches out and strokes her cheek, the same cheek she had touched time and time before. She tilts her head and takes in the sight of her. Those golden eyes seem to have lost their shine to months of pain and distress. And her hair… she only has it in patches. Zirin brushes her hand over Azula’s head. It is somehow even more disturbing to view the various animal pelts and the clawed talons now that the hog-monkey head is off. Because now she can say for sure that they don’t belong. Because now she can see completely, the suffering they bring their wearer. And those wings, a paste-like yellowy ooze weeps from the places where they were jabbed in. Worser still, Zirin thinks that Azula’s skin is starting to grow around them. Her father will have to make quick work, the more her skin mold and fuse with the foreign wings, the harder they will be to detach. But he very well can’t work on her again now. He doesn’t have the supplies and she can’t imagine that Azula is ready for round two just yet.

 “Why didn’t you tell me that it was you?” Zirin asks. She knows that she isn’t going to get an answer. Regardless she pulls the princess into her arms, taking care to work around her wings. She doesn’t return the embrace, leaving a faint ache in Zirin’s heart. Azula tugs out of the hug. Looking into her eyes is like staring into dismay. She has seen Azula in moods before, but she has never seen the woman’s eyes so blank and hollow, so empty of all emotion save for a dash of agony and a flicker of fear, distrust.  

Distrust.

It stabs at Zirin, to know that the trust she fought to establish with her seemed to have evaporated. And to no doing of her own.

 She finds herself wanting to yell at the princess. To shout at her for this newfound mistrust. It is irrational she knows, but she can’t help but be a little bitter. She knows that it will do her no good to say anything about the matter so she, instead, offers Azula something to eat.

 With the hog-monkey head cleared away, she no longer needs Zirin to feed her. She struggles at first, to lift the chopsticks with awkward claws in the way. And struggles further to position them correctly. “Let me.” Zirin tries.  Azula shoots her the most agitated look, as though she is fantastically offended by the offer. Zirin knows then, that she is still Azula beneath all of that torment and fear. The same prideful and proud princess she’d come to know. She retracts her hand. “Kay, sorry.”

She watches her fumble with them for a while more before she finally gets a handle on them. However clumsily, she feeds herself. She eats fast, giving Zirin another painful reminder that she had been holed up in the ground only days before. She thinks that this may be the first time that Azula has eaten a decent meal in months. She sure seemed to be savoring the food, and Zirin always thought herself to be a horrid chef. Regardless she points to her empty bowl. Zirin can take a hint, she is requesting a second helping. She doesn’t really want to cook another serving but she promised that she would take care of the woman. If that means extra cooking and more dishes, she will do it.

 Eventually, Azula looks up. “Thank you.” It is the first thing she has said while awake since being rescued. Zirin almost goes teary-eyed again. She never thought she would hear that voice again. Though it is much weaker than she remembers, she clings to the sound of it.

 .oOo.

 The morning after brings more hurt. Zirin has long since learned that one has to suffer to heal in full. Her father and his work with Azula only reinforces this. Zirin wasn’t sure that it could get much worse than seeing the hog-monkey head come off. But the wings, those are proving to be worse. Her father orders her to mash herbs and mix aloe again. She hears him grumble something about the infection and how it treating it is going to be a tricky feat.

 She watches him clan his hands and pull out his set of scissors. He inspects Azula’s back for a moment before drawing a conclusion. He gloves his hands and pulls at a flap of moose-dragon fur. The one closest to the wings. “Stitched on good.” He grumbles and Zirin knows that this will be tedious work. She isn’t sure if he will even get to the wings themselves today. He pulls out a pair of scissors even smaller than the ones he just tried. He cuts the first thread and then the one below it and the one below that. Azula sits rigid, visibly tensing with each snip, bracing herself for some kind of pain that doesn’t seem to come. The first patch of moose-dragon falls to the floor. It would seem that she is a morbid quilt of the things. Zirin wonders if all of it is moose-dragon fur, she imagines that there might be other animals tossed into the mix.

 “Aloe gel, Zizi.” Okon requests.

 Azula hisses as he applies the aloe-herb mix to where the stiches had once been. She tries to push his hand away.

 “Let me do it, fa.” Zirin takes the gel and takes Azula’s hand and finishes running it over the line of needlework.  She backs off to let her father continue. He carefully clips away at another pelt. One after another, pausing only to let Zirin apply aloe. They work until every last pelt is removed and discarded alongside the hog-monkey head, which is collecting maggots and flies in the rubbish bin. Zirin shudders to see that some are clinging to the pelts that her father had just removed. They had burrowed there, probably when Azula was still confined. And they had been feeding and growing larger. She sees Azula’s eyes fall on the pelts and the insects thriving off of them. It disturbs Zirin to note that Azula doesn’t seem surprised to see them, she knew that they were there. She knew very well.

 The longer her father stares at Azula, the more closely he inspects her, the more her discomfort seems to grow. Zirin watches her shift uncomfortably. “He’s not going to hurt you…or say anything about you.” She offered. “He’s just trying to figure out what to do next.” She doesn’t think that her words helped, Azula doesn’t trust her Okon. As his eyes scan the princess, Zirin makes an observation of her own.

Another thing that brings a fluttering to her belly.

Seeing Azula’s naked body for the first time, it occurs to her that the woman’s once perfect, flawless skin is going to be a mess of scars resembling a pai sho board. The stitchwork had been so uneven, just one more slap. She can’t imagine that Azula is taking it well, she hadn’t even assessed the damage for herself yet.

 Zirin hands the aloe gel to Azula, thinking that she’d rather apply it herself. She does so wordlessly, her expression as unreadable as it usually is with her. As she tends to her own injuries Okon rummages through his drawers.

 “I have anuter job fer ya, Zirin.”

 “What do you need me to do?”

 “I needja to get summore things from the garden. Ash daisy, chili pepper juice, ‘n orange jade.”

 Zirin wrinkles her brows. “I’ll go ‘n get it.” She spares another look at Azula. Whatever is to come is unpleasant enough to warrant ingredients for a potent sleep inducer. She takes to the garden to fetch the plants. When she comes back her father is holding a saw, he takes care to keep it out of Azula’s line of sight. She watches him set it to the side and pick up the aloe paste, a rag, and a bucket of water. He begins scrubbing at the place where her skin seems to fuse with the bone of wolf-bat wing. The place that leaks a yellow-green and a coppery red. She needs the cleaning, Zirin finds it hard to watch and wonders if she should just head outside again and being concocting the liquid remedy to fight infection fever. She is about to step back outside when Azula lashes out. She does so in a weak but damaging display of teal-blue. Her father grunts as he hits the floor, muttering a couple of curses.

She is in so much pain, Zirin notes, enough to strike at the hand that tries to help.

 “Hol’ onta yer girlfren.” Okon hollers as he does when he is under pressure. His face is contorted into an angry scowl which does little to reassure his attacker that she is in tentative hands. Thing wings bob and she could see it on Azula’s face that it ails her so when they do. But she brings fire to her palms again and tosses them with a furious yell.

 “Stop it!” Zirin shouts. And when she doesn’t Zirin yells louder. She is worried for her dad as much as she is for Azula. Azula who is more akin to a cornered animal than her regal self. Zirin’s worry makes sparks a rage in her, one she is hard pressed to control at the best of times. “Don’ touch ‘im, Azula. He’s tryin’ to help. Don’ touch ‘im.”

Her words fall on def ears. She still has the sense to not body slam Azula. But that sense is fading rapidly as Azula’s barrage of fire grows more hazardous. Her father, a non-bender and the most non-violent person she’s ever met, sits passively. She knows what he is thinking, he doesn’t want to hurt the woman he is supposed to be helping. No sense in solidifying that distrust. But Zirin can’t let her hurt him and before she knows it, she and Azula are on the ground.

For a moment the princess’ eyes are wide they are almost frozen. But that suspended state is broken by a the most ungodly scream Zirin has ever heard and she realizes that she had partially ripped one of the wings off.

 Her heart leaps, she feels sick. Azula’s blood is streaming and Zirin is afraid that it can’t be stopped.  She can observe that some muscle tissue has been plucked with the wing. She actually gets sick.

And her cries.

Zirin has never heard someone cry like that. A terrifying cross between a wail and a shriek. Maybe she is alternating between the two. But it puts a decent hole in her heart, because she knows that it’s her fault. She only wanted to protect her father.

Okon himself is on his feet again. This time Azula lets him have his way, but the act of picking her up alone has her eyes rolling back. They wouldn’t need the sleep inducer after all. It was too much for her.

 “Hol’ ‘er wings steady.” Okon demands.

 Zirin doesn’t need extra coaxing, she holds the wings in place to the best of her ability as Okon lays Azula facedown atop a makeshift operating table. It is the one he usually uses when he’s working on his bigger machines.

 Zirin huddles in the corner feeling dreadfully ashamed at how she handled things. Her father finishes cleansing the infection. He is mumbling to himself debating over whether it is best to stitch the skin split from pulling the wing or if he should get on with whatever he was about to do before that. It doesn’t matter, Zirin has already concluded that she no longer has any business being there. She’s already made a mess of things and she can’t imagine that she instilled any trust in Azula. She stands up and pushes the door open. She only has it slightly ajar when she hears a gruff, “where ya goin’ ta?”

 “My room, father.”

 “No, no. I needja.”

 She pauses in the doorframe. “For what? I think I helped a’nuff for today.”

 Okon raises the saw. “I needja ta hol’ ‘er wings steady again. I gotta saw through the bone, make id easier ta take out.”

 Zirin cringes she can’t stomach it. The smell of infection is awful and she doesn’t want to see how badly she’d worsened Azula’s condition. But she does, she holds the wings in place as her father begins sawing through them. It takes too long, much too long. Azula gives a sleepy hum and her eyes crack open. Zirin leaves the wings to retrieve the ash lily, orange jade, and pepper juice mixture. Taking care to no breath it in herself, she wafts the fragrance in Azula’s direction until she fades out again. And Okon resumes his work until the bone is severed completely through.

 “This is gonna be the hard part, Zizi.”

It is a warning.

He begins snipping away the excess skin that has accumulated around the wolf-bat bone. When this is accomplished he places a hand firmly between her shoulder blades and yanks at the protruding bone. It comes out with a slurp.

 “It’s not gonna stop bleeding is it, father, we have to put it back.” She points at the gaping hole in Azula’s back.

 She sees it on his face, that he agrees. He doesn’t have the medical skill to plug the hole in a way that a professional healer would. It is late realized, but Zirin finally thinks about just what they were doing. They should hand her over to a real healer. They should give her to the royal doctors. But now she doesn’t have that kind of time. The blood flow is constant and urgent.

 “Ken ya clean it fer me?” He hands Zirin the bone. His own hands are busy wadding a clean towel and stuffing it into the opening. It will only slow the bleeding for so long, so Zirin makes the cleansing quick. They’re going to lose her, she can’t see how a person could survive this. Once the cleansed bone is back in Okon’s hand, he removes the cloth and sticks the bone back in place. He riffles through another drawer and comes away with a tin of blasting powder. He sprinkles it around the bone. “I needja ta fireben’.”

 Zirin hesitates. She isn’t awake, she can’t feel it. She repeats it over and over as she cauterizes the wound.

She has to keep up with the mantra much longer.

They have to replicate the process on the left wing. If they are going to leave it where it is, they have to clean it. Clean it and shorten it.

 Again Zirin feels like crying for Azula, not only is she going to be a mess of stitch marks, but those bones are there to stay. Her father manages to shorten them enough for her to be able to lay on her back again in time. But she can’t imagine that it will ever be pleasant.

 “That’s a’nuff fer tanight.” Okon declares.

 Zirin doesn’t protest, it was more than enough. She doesn’t know what else there is to do, save for keeping an eye on the infection. But she somehow feels that there has to be something else, something to make Azula feel better about the removal that is to dangerous to preform in full. She contemplates it as she dresses the woman. At least that would hand the princess some dignity.

 The princess is still drowsy so Zirin has to help her into bed. She can feel tension ebbing from her. “I’m sorry, I couldn’t let you hurt my father. He was just tryin’ to help.” She waits for a reply that Azula won’t give. “He really was, see.” She brings Azula to a mirror and lifts the night shirt some. “They’re smaller so they won’t get in the way.”

 Azula blinks at her reflection and then averts her eyes. She isn’t any pleased with the results, Zirin can tell. All of that suffering and the wings are still there. If only she can find a way to make something pretty out of something dreadful.

 “Please don’t be mad at me.”

 The worst thing is that Azula doesn’t seem furious. She is so far from who she had been and it scares Zirin. On a normal day she would probably find herself in an Agni Kai for her life. But today, the princess looks at her forlornly. All the same she is relieved to know that Azula isn’t going to push her away. Maybe she realizes that intentions had been at their best. Zirin allows herself to believe that, Azula is smart. She can read a person. She helps Azula find a place on the bed and bundles her up in blankets. “We cleaned the infection.” She holds out her liquid remedy. “You’ll have to drink this to get fightin’ the one you already have. Every day, ‘til it’s gone.”

 Azula takes the cup in her hands and sips at the mix of herbal juices. She makes a face, bitter was never a favorite flavor of hers. But Zirin watches her drain the cup. She holds the cup out for Zirin to take back. She sets it to the side and urges Azula to rest her head and close her eyes.

 She longs to run her fingers through Azula’s hair as she always used to when comforting the firebender. But the princess’ long locks are gone and she no longer responds to touch…not affectionate touches anyhow. She is so damaged and Zirin doesn’t know how to fix her. She think and fears that Azula is gone. She takes her hand anyhow and strokes it until she sees her eyes close. She wants to give her cheek a gentle kiss but can’t imagine her receiving it well. So she holds back on a motion that used to be so natural.

 Long into the night she peers at the other woman. Her eyes never seem to leave the small bumps that jut out from her back. She takes in the sound of Azula’s breathing and savors it, the princess is at peace. At least until morning. For once she seems to be sleeping soundly, she imagines that slumber comes much easier now that she is free of the hog-monkey head and the worst of thing wings.

 The wings…

How darkly poetic it is that a fierce dragon of a woman is ailed by wings…

The wings simply weren’t right for this dragon.

An idea finally comes.

[survivorbehemoth]

Episode 13: “The new strategy is to ignore me unless they want to use me.” - Chips

Vocaroo

Vocaroo 2

Vocaroo 3

Video

So I assume everyone is voting me this round. Just like I assumed last round.

The new strategy is to ignore me unless they want to use me. So thats fun.

Anyway i was told at the last minute rhe vote changed to Brandan and... lol it did? Poor Brandan and whoever probably was either not let in or was scared of his idol.

Anyway, I was told to vote Seamus this round and I would be okay. Im putting my faith there.

this confessional is gonna be messy and i dont wanna cry on camera so here it goes. im basically just copying and pasting from my DR.

EARLIER IN THE DAY: ive made an executive decision that im going to be loyal to daisy and szymon and i don’t care if i lose to them at the end i dont have the heart in me to betray them it’s not worth it i wanna win and if i get to the end and they ask why? when you know it’s a good game move? The Winning Move? bc i think sometimes winning ain’t everything and i think getting to the end ad losing to someone worthy is fine!!! and maybe one day i’ll be able to like be ruthless in games but !!! LMAO today is not that day and it won’t be ever u know — plus they both have to know they both win to me? right? so yeah i just don’t have it i me and ill defend that in jury and also cop to it like i’ll OWN it i fucking get it but if i could still get to the end at all that should be recognized a bit and yeah maybe i’ll lose but idk it’s not worth it i don’t like how i feel rn and i don’t want to make another person feel that way bc let’s face it i can’t hinge my games on winning things ive won nothing myself this whole game it’s okay but i can’t center shit around it but i think ive played a good game and it’s different than theres and there’s so many times when they have both come to me there’s a lot ive done too

LATER IN THE DAY:

instead of chips we're cutting seamus. which fits into my boot order and what i wanted to do anyways since f9. but. daisy it not happy and i tried to explain it to her like this:

okay a few facts 1. im loyal to u and szymon first and foremost 2. next to either of u at the end i will not win 3. im okay with that at this point bc i cant really emotionally justify cutting yall and not going to fire for either of yall + i doubt ill win fic if its a f2 between the two of yall but i want to do SOMETHING game wise u know and yeah idk, i know u and seamus are close and i do feel like bad about this especially on an emotional level but i know that either way if i get to the end with either of u im losing but i wanna say at least i could make a move that showed some foresight game wise idk i hope that doesnt come off as like GUILT TRIPPY OR WHATEVER IM JUST BEING REALISTIC at this point bc i know i have my loyalty and i know it something im not good at breaking and if i get shit on it at the end if i make it, so be it, but that doesnt mean i didnt know what moves needed to be made and idk yeah and i get it if u dont feel the same way especially after this or anything but thats where my head is at.

ME IN MY DR AND TO SZYMON AN HOUR BEFORE TRIBAL:

anyways im going home tonight i feel it i really do i promise i wont throw a fit ive already been crying about another org and how dumb i am in games bc im too loyal but it is what it is and thats how i am and its not gonna change to win an org like i know this is all on me but yeah like i said to szymon if ive made daisy angry i voted for chips last round chips/daisy/seamus vote for me to go 3-3 revote dylan flips i leave period i know its over i just feel it i really do and maybe its just bc i felt the same way literally 24 hours ago in survivor week in another and i had my closest ally saying ur not going home i promise ur not going home and etc and just literally playing mental gymnastics and now mind games and using her TAROT CARDS AGAINST ME basically like the irony isnt lost on me that szymon is telling me the same thing im just calm about it im sad but im calm bc i know its happening im sad bc i dont want it to end i dont wanna go but its the end

so brandan went home and ive been nervous all round. i finally feel kinda comfortable with my 5 and yet i don't. so i didn't have time to really try on the challenge because i went out with friends and had work all day so i had 30 mins to do the challenge. sorry i don't wanna use my only free time in my day to try hard on it i actually have a life. so nOW everyone wants me out bc apparently i was playing the middle and throwing challenges. like NO BING BONG. MY GAME HAS NOT BEEN THAT GOOD AND IM FINE ADMITTING THAT. the real reason they r voting me is bc daisy is immune. that is a fact.

so all day no one speaks to me and iM LIKE IK SOMETHING IS WRONG. and finally daisy calls me and tells me jules/dylan are leading the charge against me and everyones voting me. so we whipped up this plan to pull in chips and force a tie. or rocks. either im fine with. and szymon just now 20 mins before tribal tries to bs me how theres nothing he can do. so hopefully this shit ties or jules GOES HOME.

Video

HOLY MOLY IS STUFF HAPPENEING AT THIS FINAL 6 LIEK!!

ugh all the outside of game stuff going on doesnt really matter but yeah sorry for no videos once again <33

i feel like this vote is really going to solidify whether or not i sit in the end or as one of the last jurors and it has me really stressed out. if i can use my extra vote this round to make a play against seamus it doesnt even matter if i win immunity at f5 bc i have an idol to play. it's really crazy to imagine myself in f4 and be like, just 1 step away from potentially winning the game

i feel like if i can stick with szymon, jules, and daisy at the end i have a good chance of making final tribal and from there it just depends on who i can beat. it is going to be hard going up against helgamine people in an all helga jury for the most part but i feel confident in the game that i've played thus far and i know im capable of speaking well so, hopefully i can convince people to see that my game is a winning one and that im not just being dragged along for the hell of it!!! newayyssss SEE YOU IN FINAL 4 <33

________________________________________________________________

Seamus is voted out 4-3. He becomes the 6th member of our jury.

Watch the Cast Assessment Below:

[skywailer]

✉️ hii so im like an outgoing person who has their shy moments. i love tigers. i dont really have a fav song but rn i love learn to let go by kesha. when i listen to music i love to go all in and like do a mini performance. emerald green is my fav color. winter is my fav season cause the snow is so pretty. im always ready to fight. not like fist fighting but more of im ready to defend anyone. might get me into trouble one day but oh well. i hope thats enough and i love ur writing omg

I am the exact same when it comes to music, and favorite seasons lol.  Thank you so much and that’s definitely good material (plus blog stalking).  Here you go!

Wanna know what your first year at Hogwarts looks like through caffeinated eyes?

how you got your Hogwarts acceptance letter: you’d been traveling for the summer with family, and though you hadn’t said much about it: you were keeping track of the days.  Not to say you didn’t enjoy your vacation, but you were 12 years old, and you knew very well what that meant.  Or at least, what it should mean.  So, you were highly aggressive about getting back home within the week that you were supposed to receive It.  It’s a just a letter, you’d tell yourself, but your feet were dancing to get inside, to see if it’d arrived.  But you’ve done the count, and you were in time.  So, you spent the next day listening to music, waiting close to the door, feet itching, when the mail door creaked open and in slid one, crisp letter.  Right into your hands, before it could dare touch the floor.  Again, it’s just a letter, but it’s The Letter that you’ve wanted- were slightly worry you might not get because your magic actually hasn’t surfaced yet.  But that was it, you were fine.  Your name was written in loving script on the envelope, it’s yours, and you breathed a sigh of relief and joy.  You wouldn’t have to tell your family some lie to get to the doors of Hogwarts.  You’re magic, and you are psyched.

head canons about your trip on the Hogwarts Express: going through the wall was a little too much fun for you, to be honest.  You wanted to freak out the muggles a little bit by just standing half-in, half-out, maybe making a little jig out of it, but your friends were quick to yank you through to the other side (rats!).  You’re one of the new students who, thankfully, is not completely fresh-faced nor side-tracked by the spectacle of people rushing to and fro.  You know where you want to go, and who you want to go with.  Your friends, a mixture of students your age and some Hogwarts veterans who’ll show you the ropes, are a small group that pushes through the noisy herd and claims a cabin for good measure.  Most of the trip is spent in good company, swapping tips about how best to avoid awkward ghost encounters, quickest routes to and from classes so you can spend more time having fun and less time running around like a chicken with your head cut off, and the Slytherins of the group are full of cheat-sheets for success that sound both extremely tempting, but a little bit too easy for you.  At one point, you grow curious to see what the rest of your school populace looks like and, when the conversation dies down, adventure kicks in and you’re out and about searching for the candy trolley (and chasing down a few chocolate frogs you ‘accidentally’ knocked loose of the cart) and you gravitate towards the groups that linger in the corridor- the ones that are loud and laughing, with stories to tell that you want to hear… but you keep most of your stories to yourself for now.

what happened when you went head-to-head hat with the sorting hat: you saw green long before your feet touched the steps leading up to the sorting hat.  You knew exactly where you wanted to be, but were a little unsure if the house would welcome you - even with all the friends you’d made on the train, and before then.  There were cheers from the Slytherin second and third years you’d already bonded with through family ties, and even friends from your year - the ones who didn’t get Slytherin, even though they thought they would - were grinning when you sat upon the stool.  But their sudden change in fate gave your feet the jitters again, and they thump hard on the floor as the hat is laid upon your head; after all, your parents were both from a very different house, and maybe you’ll be like them?  You recited a song in your head to keep your cool, keep the feelings from bursting like mad when the hat cries out “Slytherin!”  Before the “s-” was even out, the table roared with the new edition, though your friends already knew who you were, and so did you- but that moment solidified everything.  

who’s your squad: Hilariously enough, despite the rivalries, you have loads of friends from Gryffindor.  Their sense of adventure attracts you and you’re known to fraternize with the enemies (Ginny and Harry specifically, but also Lee Jordan and sometimes the Weasley twins).  But your Slytherin pals forgive you, because you’re a tough cookie and they know who you’d fight for.  They’d fight for you, too.  Because of this, you’ve made such pals as Pansy Parkinson, who’d take a blow to the knee for you- or well, would blow someone in the knee for you.  Because you’d do the same.  She’s protective of you, but she can also be Quite A Basket Case to you sometimes and you’ve gotten in your share of arguments, especially about blood status.  To balance her influence out, you hang with Astoria Greengrass, and the Patil sisters who stimulate your thirst for knowledge and neutralize you.  When you’re around them, you can relax long enough to enjoy the things around you, and they love your energy and how it lets them unwind, too. 

general first-year shenanigans you were up to while Harry was being Harry:

your first year is during That Time when a hairy Azkaban escapee was rumored to be roaming the Forbidden Forest, and werewolves were a thing, and that was the best and worst news you’d ever heard.  You were, on multiple occasions, caught with your posse trying to go out in mock search of the adrenaline rush and possible heroics of catching a wanted man (and you were actually really freaking relieved you got caught, to be honest).  

You picked a fight with Peeves once for egging a friend of yours.  It didn’t end well for him.

On that same day, Draco thought it was in his best interest to say Something Stupid and you got him real good.  His hair hasn’t been the same since.  And he still has a bit of a haunted look in his eyes, really.

And how many times has someone caught you dancing in between bookshelves at the library?  Too many times to count.  You’ve claimed, every time, that a song got stuck in your head and you had to get it out somehow, and thus got sidetracked from doing your class research.  You aced the test, anyway so who cares.

during winter, you’re less rowdy and have been known to wander around in the snow, making doodles on the ground.  You especially liked hanging around the Quidditch Pitch and watching people practice.  You couldn’t wait to try out one day.

on campus, you became known as That Girl who refuses to deal with sexism and stupidity at Hogwarts.  You’re a viper of justice, and have been known to viciously wound idiot Slytherin boys who think they know how girls work- when obviously they need to hit the books again.  But your hearing wasn’t and still isn’t biased; you’ve lashed out at a few girls, too, for downgrading others and to hear a little thing like you yell is something no one wants to see, anymore.  So, people started to behave.  And respected you.

despite your ability to keep people in check, you were dumbfounded when people do the same for you.  Your magic has struggled to the surface and it ate at your self-esteem at times; what Slytherin can’t summon their magic?  And you could be hostile about it, were known to keep it to yourself: the worry, the self-doubt and the fear that you might not be able to ever match the fire in your heart to your wand.  But even though you were quiet, your friends heard you and protected you.  Like you’ve protected them.  

When Hogwarts is put into lock down thanks to That Hairy Guy, Sirius Black, and everyone is placed in the Great Hall, Pansy is the one who bunkered down next to you and told you how it is, how it’s gonna go, and the next day she kicking your butt into magical shape.

Your magic finally kicked into full gear with a blast of blinding light: your patronus- the tiger.

[actually-impostor]

Heroes and Anti Heroes (5)

Saturday Update! ...kinda! sorry this took me longer because i wanted to start the full on plot. Reminder that Anxiety is called Enhos in this fanfic

Tagged list @deafinatelyfangirling, @fearinghope, @mira-jadeamethyst, @featuredfander

Warnings for this chapter: Implied violence, description of injuries, stress

Prologue, Chap 1, Chap 2, Chap 3, Chap 4 (You are here!)

AO3

-0-0-0- Chapter 4: Friendships and Contacts -0-0-0-

It wasn’t easy getting used to the General Education Bedrooms, but Enhos was somehow trying. Thankfully he had Patton as a roommate, so he didn’t had to meet someone new and hope for the best, he already knew Patton was friendly.

Roman, on the other hand, was having a huge amount of trouble adjusting. When the Hero Course announced they were having roommates Roman was shocked, he had slept all his life in a single room for himself but apparently there were a lot of people and not enough rooms. The roommates had been selected by roulette, and Roman was still angry at that

“Sweet Freya, what have I done to deserve this?”

“What happened now?”

“Im sharing a room Enhos, me! And worst of all I’m sharing it with Logan!”

“Why is that the worst part?”

“Because he is an incredibly light sleeper with a horrible wake up”

Enhos couldn’t help it, he burst out laughing. That was almost a text book description of Roman himself except for the fact that Roman was not a light sleeper. Roman grunted frustrated and threw a pillow at his still laughing friend. It ended in a weird and impromptu pillow fight that had both boys laughing

When the laughing fit stopped half an hour after they finished their pillow fight (every time they looked at the other they busted out laughing) both boys sighed, lying down in Enhos bed.

“Do you miss your mom?”

“Yeah… I had no idea I would miss her this much” Roman sighed “It feels really lonely without her random bursts of singing or dancing, or the whole “We are cleaning up the whole house with background music” thing she always did”

“Oh yeah I remember those”

“It was fun. I just never figured I would miss it this much. What about you? Do you miss your dads?”

“Yeah, like, Papa had this routine of kissing my forehead before going out to work? And dad was always hugging me or reading me one of his new novels but now...”

“Yeah…”

“Do you think we’ll get used to this the longer we are away?”

“Probably, after all it’s only the first week”

Enhos nodded, that was a logical possibility. But no matter how logical it was, it wasn’t making him miss his parents any less.

When both boys were drowning in their shared melancholy they suddenly felt a change in their mood. Enhos groaned and snapped his fingers, Shadow swirling on top of him and Roman

“Pat, stop trying to change our moods!”

“But I can see the negativity even over here!” Patton entered the room, a concerned frown on his face “are you two okay?”

“Yeah, homesick. Sorry”

Patton smiled and messed up Romans hair, he could relate to what the other two were feeling but Thomas had made sure to remind him that he could go visit whenever he wanted and if he saw fit to do so he could even spent the whole day there and only go to sleep at the dorms. They were really close and Patton didn’t wanted to lose that link to his dad

“Well, I’m not letting you two to wallow in homesickness, so we are going out!”

As soon as the words were out of his mouth he heard a small draw out “no” out of Enhos mouth and saw the boy trying to burry himself in his covers. The image was honestly adorable and it made the other two in the room giggle.

They spent almost half an hour trying to convince Enhos to go out with them, and then Patton spent another half an hour trying to convince Logan who looked just as happy as Enhos. The two more energetic ones dragged the other two all around the center of the town. They went to play at the arcade, Patton insisted on them watching a movie, then Roman insisted he was remodeling every single one of their wardrobes (thing he might or might not have fulfilled, Logan and Patton were impressed by how much money Roman actually had)

By the end of the day they were exhausted but happy. Whatever weird rivalry was between Roman and Logan had dissolved to almost nothing and Enhos and Patton were as happy as can be. They were solidifying themselves as a group, and Enhos couldn’t have been happier about that.

The weeks went by fast, and Patton and Enhos saw the other two less and less. They understood though, the hero course was harder than Gen Ed. It took another week for Logan to kick their door down and throw an exhausted Roman on top of Enhos bed.

Both boys were in horrible condition, they looked exhausted, Logan had a cut on his cheek that was still bleeding and Roman had actually passed out

“What the fuck? Guys what happened?”

“Training went a little over the top today” Explained the drained boy, somehow still standing up

Enhos and Patton shared a look, that definitely didn’t look like training. Both were slowly starting to develop purple patches on the visible parts of their arms, Logan was massaging his head and he was still bleeding out of the cut. It looked like they had gotten caught in the middle of a fight.

Enhos went to the bathroom he shared with Patton and took out the first aid kit while Patton was currently in the common kitchen, fetching ice and preparing tea for both wound boys. Enhos sat down in front of Logan and started patching him up

“Shouldn’t you worry more about Roman?”

“He’s passed out, his wounds don’t hurt currently. And you are still bleeding, that makes you priority”

“I was under the impression you both were in a romantic relationship?”

“Wha-? Come on dude, Roman is like a brother! That would just be creepy” While he talked his hands were currently applying alcohol to a cotton ball “This will sting, try to sit still”

Logan hissed, the ardor was slightly annoying and painful. But Enhos was trying to apply the alcohol as painless as possible and Logan could appreciate it

“Im surprised you are offended at the fact that I said a relationship with Roman more than at the fact I thought you were gay”

“I mean, it’s not a good thing to assume. Besides I’m bisexual so you’re wrong” He put a band aid on the cut and smiled “But it doesn’t offend me. I have a preference to men anyway”

Logan nodded and touched the band aid softly

“Thank you for patching me up”

“Yeah, no problem. Are you hurt anywhere else?”

“I don’t think so, but ‘m worried about Roman, he did passed out after all”

“Don’t worry, he passes out when he forces his Quirk. It creates matter out of his own energy; he needs to eat a lot”

With that Enhos patted Logan’s knee and stood up. He wrestled with Roman to take off his shirt and started checking for wounds. Roman looked beat up, but he wasn’t bleeding. He only had some burns on his elbows that looked more like clothe burn than fire-Quirk burn.

While he was taking care of his best friend wounds Patton entered the room. He passed an ice bag to Logan and started applying some sort of cream over Logan bruises. After a few minutes the bruises didn’t look half as bad.

When both boys were in better shape, and Roman had woke up, Patton and Enhos sat them down and forced them to tell them the truth

Logan sighed. He didn’t wanted to explain what had happened, but he also knew Enhos and Patton were in danger of ending up the same as them. He stared at them and frowned

“There’s some random idiot harassing Roman”

“Someone caught wind of who my mom is. They think I got in thanks to her paying for the school to give me an easier exam”

“That’s bullshit!” Enhos had jumped to his feet “Who is giving you shit?”

“Some random idiot. Don’t mind it Enhos”

“We are just telling you guys so you are careful. We don’t want you two to end up like us”

Patton sighed, he was just surprised the two boys in the hero course were beat up that badly. On the other hand he knew Logan would only attack if his life was on the line, and Roman didn’t looked like the type to try to solve everything with violence first

On the other side Enhos was shaking in anger. How dare that person hurt his best friend? How dare that person hurt two of the people who had accepted him no matter how dark his Quirk was? If he ever found out who was hurting Roman and Logan he was going to make sure they never forgot who Enhos Farandole was.

Both hurt boys had ended up passing out on Patton and Enhos room, while the other two were looking at them with worry. It wasn’t right that they had been beat up in a Hero Making school, and it was weird that someone had found out who exactly Roman was. The teachers were aware that Roman mother had a lot of enemies, some who wouldn’t think twice about hurting a kid.

When morning came all four of them were exhausted, but feeling slightly better. A month went by without much problems, and they all generally had sleepovers, it seemed less lonely that way. So it was no surprise that when both Heroes came by with a troubled look on their faces the other two had jumped out of their beds checking for injuries and asking what happened

“No, no, we are okay. We are just concerned”

“Why? What’s wrong?”

“The teacher made us think of our future hero names, they explained how it was the most important part of our future identity along with the suit” Logan was frowning and Roman was muttering under his breath

“Okay, but why is Roman worried then?”

“What do you mean?”

“Roman has had his hero name thought of since we were… what? Ten?”

“Around there, yeah”

“Then why are you worried?” That was Logan; it was illogical for Roman to be worried if he already had his hero name thought out

“Because im starting to doubt it”

“Why?”

“I don’t know Enhos, isn’t it a little too… egocentric?”

“Look, im your best friend and it’s my job to tell you things straight. But you are egocentric Roman”

“Yeah” Patton was biting back a giggle

“Additional affirmation”

“Im offended and hurt” but even saying that Roman was smiling

“Don’t be” Enhos waved his hand around “Is part of your charm. But let’s get back on topic”

“Okay, so you think I should keep on with the Hero Name I made when I was ten?”

“Why not? Regal fits you”

“Your hero name was going to be Regal?” Logan raised an eyebrow “As in, someone who is fit for a monarch?”

“Yeah, see I told you Enhos, it’s weird!”

“No, I apologize. I didn’t mean it in a mean way” Logan had a pleased smile on his face “It does in fact fits you. You have… prince-like tendencies”

“So we only have Logan name to worry about”

The mentioned boy groaned, throwing his head back and resting it on Patton’s bed. This was going to give him a headache

“I’ve been trying to come up with something for years, and I’m still not sure how to call myself”

“What exactly is your Quirk, besides some type of telekinesis?” Roman stared at him confusedly, he knew Logan had telekinesis but there was something the other boy was hiding

“I can get inside people’s head and manipulate them. Is really useful when I want information but I dislike using it”

The other two nodded and Patton looked at his friend sadly. There were secrets that Logan felt obviously uncomfortable in sharing. No one would press him for information.

“So everything you do has to do with your brain?”

“Yes, why?”

“We can go the… like…” Enhos made some weird hand movements to try to explain without words “obvious route with your name”

“And which route would that one be?”

“Something about neurons… Nerve cells… Nerves” It was obvious that Enhos brain was playing with the idea

He frowned at the floor, trying to come up with something that had a nice ring to it. Suddenly he faced them with a grin, he had it.

“Nervei”

“May I ask why?”

“Nervei is just the masculine plural of Nerveo. The Italian word for nerve”

Patton clapped, and Roman smirked. Logan looked impressed

“You know Italian?”

“Sure, where do you think I get the last name from?”

“Well, I wouldn’t have suspected”

“Don’t believe him, he only know a handful of words” Enhos glared at Roman

“Still way more than you pretty boy”

They laughed, and at the following Friday, when the teacher asked them all for their new names, both boys were known as Regal and Nervei

The school day went fast for the two boys in General Education, and once it was over both went to their room to pack their bags. They were family-boys; if they could spend their weekend with their parents they would do it.

Roman was the same. Every weekend he went out to spend it at his mother side. Logan on the other hand had assured Roman he was okay with staying alone on the room, he had no wish to go back home and his mother was currently under the care of his older sister. There was nothing to worry about on his end.

When Logan was finally alone he allowed his mask to drop, he was exhausted and the whole family topic was only exhausting him more. He just wanted to sleep. Seconds after he succumbed to sleep he felt his phone vibrating. He stared at the number, his tired brain unable to process the number, but when he did he shoot up on his bed. Why, why were they calling him?

“Hello?”

“Logan Williams?”

“Yes, he is speaking” Logan gulped; he had a bad feeling “Is something the matter?”

“Is about your father”

-0-

Enhos was tired; the school day even if really fast was exhausting. He was on his way home, his brain full of possibilities for the day. Maybe Jeremiah would make his favorite food? God he really wanted to eat his dad food. It wasn’t that Patton was a bad chef, but he really missed the things Jeremiah would make.

He was walking with those trivial concerns he didn’t realized he was being followed. He only noticed it when a hand was covering his mouth. He tried screaming but his voice was muffled, so in a moment of desperation he forced Shadow to surround them both. It was surprising but Enhos was never affected by his own Quirk.

“Wait, I just want to give you a message” It was a deep voice, and it felt hypnotic. The hand in front of his face disappeared and Enhos breathed heavily

“Fucking bastard” He spat “What do you want?”

“It just a simple message. Your real father says hi, and to wait for him with your eyes opened”

With that the presence behind Enhos disappeared, and the boy fell to the floor on his hands and knees. He wanted to vomit, he felt sick. This all felt like a nightmare.