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elixir448 · 4 years

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Good Girls 3x02 Thoughts

The Opening Scene

I think we all knew that Rio was knocking on Rhea’s door, rather than Beth’s. Even so, this opening scene was a gift. Of course, it is meant to mislead the audience into thinking that we are going to see Beth and Rio come face to face for the first time since she shot him but there’s so much more to talk about!

First of all, this season is really setting up Beth and Rio’s relationship as the major driver of the plot and, arguably, this has always been the case. The show is definitely about the girls but Beth and Rio’s relationship (both personal and professional) pushes the story forward. In my opinion, it’s second only to the girls’ changing motivations for being in crime, in terms of plot progression. Manny referred to Beth as Rio’s “archnemesis” in a recent interview and I know a lot of people disagree with this and think it’s funny. While I think the terminology is perhaps a bit off, I think the idea is there and what I love about it is that Beth and Rio’s relationship is so difficult to define, which I touched upon in my 3x01 thoughts post, and it’s impossible to encompass what they are to each other with one word. They have been so many things at so many different times and, gosh, now they have history. A painful, spiteful, kind of tragic, extremely messy history. I love that this season seems to be gearing these two up for what looks like a major confrontation at some point. I can really see things exploding between them later in the season, on a level beyond the alley scene in 2x07.

I’m digressing but the point is that this scene really sets them up as antagonists again, which they have been on and off for the past two seasons. In fact, I’d argue that the term never really departed from their relationship at all and it looks like we’ll be going back to the facade of one-dimensional antagonism for a little while but with the weight of the history they now share, it seems unlikely that they’ll be fooling anyone.

I think it was @foxmagpie who pointed out that Beth is staring into the mirror that Rio smashed in her fantasy in 2x05 and I practically had a stroke when I read that. The way the scene is set up, with Beth and Rio both looking in mirrors is so symbolic of their relationship and what they are to each other. While I would hesitate to call them mirror images, I certainly think that Beth and Rio are similar in the fundamental ways that shape a person but they are so different in others, particularly in the ways that they occupy the worlds that they live in and the lives they have lived.

While Beth is staring in the mirror, we hear Dean say “well, how much did you get for it?!” and it’s quite startling and almost intrusive. Beth and Rio aren’t even in the same room but they’re basically having a moment. And of course Dean has to intrude. Even though Dean is Beth’s husband and despite everything he did in season 2 to keep her, it really represents to me that Dean has been the outsider ever since Beth and Rio met. And, despite Dean’s belief that Rio has been forcing his way into Beth’s life, the reality is that he is the one who has been intruding into their relationship.

Rio has a new car! It’s a G-wagon, it’s loud and kind of pretentious. I do miss the Cadillac but I love that his new car lines up so well with how he’s been this season, which is loud! He had Agent Turner and several other FBI agents killed in the first episode alone. If that’s not loud, I don’t know what is.

Marcus and Rio’s reunion was the sweetest thing ever. I thought my heart was going to explode and release like a ton of rainbows and sunshine and unicorns. The way that Rio held Marcus really said everything about how much he missed his son. Rhea seemed a little ticked off about his sudden reappearance but happy and accepting overall, which really just adds to what we have already learned about the breakdown of their relationship and Rio’s presence in Marcus’ life. I know I said it last week but I have to say it again. I love how much this detail further humanizes Rio, beyond what the introduction of Marcus in 2x01 achieved. He’s not infallible and he has his own, very personal, flaws that affect his family. Just like Beth.

I’ve been seeing a lot of speculation that Rhea knows more than she has been letting on to Beth. Again, I don’t think that’s true. I think Rhea really just saw her relationship with Beth as a genuine friendship and I don’t think she knows anything else. Towards the end of the episode, Beth of course speaks to Rhea and I think that once Rio realised who Rhea’s soccer mum friend was, he filled Rhea in enough for her to realise that Beth intentionally sought her out and cultivated a friendship. This could mean that he told her everything but I doubt that very much. I think he probably told her just enough for Rhea to feel a great deal of hurt over Beth’s actions.

I am a little disappointed that we never got to see the scene where Rio clocks on to the fact that it’s Beth that Rhea is talking about. We’ve been robbed! But honestly I loved the episode so much that it’s fine I guess.

Annie, Sadie, Gregg and Nancy

I really love, love, loved the writers including how difficult transitioning can be because of people around you not keeping up, even if they are fully accepting. I’m not surprised though because the writers have handled Ben’s arc so well.

As for Gregg and Nancy attending couples therapy, I’m not exactly surprised. I do wish that they had parted ways but I do recognise that it’s such a difficult situation to handle with a newborn baby and I do appreciate the realism of it. I personally grew up with a mum who put up with way too much and lived a life that she was way above but she didn’t walk away because of me and my brother. I also see what people mean when they talk about wanting to see Beth take control and walk away from Dean for good because staying together for the sake of the kids is overrated, and I also see how this relates to wanting Nancy to walk away from Gregg. Believe me, I really want to see Beth and Dean part ways, with regards to their marriage. But I also really empathise with the situations Beth and Nancy are both in, for different reasons. Nancy can, of course, financially support herself and her child but Dakota is a newborn baby and I can see why parting ways with Gregg at such a time would be so difficult when they both want to raise their child and be around at all times as he grows up. For Beth, it’s really about financial security and stability and it’s so interesting to me that she continues to chase this with Dean, as he clearly has sunk the family business multiple times before (as discussed by Beth and Annie in 2x04). I think it’s become a bit of a habit at this point, which I am keen to see broken this season!

As for Annie attending therapy. I love it! I think Annie’s at the beginning of a really interesting, introspective path this season and we really saw it doubled down in this episode, with her being called out by Ben once again and comparing her life to a major road traffic accident. I really hope the writers continue with these random introspective moments for Annie, sinceI’m really enjoying them. Her scene with the kid prior to the therapy appointment was A+++, so funny! I wonder if that kid is going to turn up again, especially since he was in quite a few bts pics during hiatus. He’s such an amazing little actor too!

I’m really interested in seeing where her arc goes. We know that she develops an inappropriate crush in 3x04 and I think we all think it’ll be on her therapist; if this is the case, I’m really curious to see whether her therapist finds out and if he reciprocates because it would be incredibly unprofessional and unethical if he pursued something with his own patient.

Also, Annie is the manager! I straight up hollered during that scene. Mae’s line delivery continues to be hilarious and totally spot-on.

(Side-note here but I love that Beth was drinking a slushie again and that she answers the phone call from Ruby with “hey lady.”)

Judith, Beth and Dean

I really loved Judith and Beth’s scenes in this episode and the depiction of the archetypal mother-in-law and daughter-in-law relationship. I particularly loved how it emphasised that Dean cannot defend Beth at all; not once in the entire flipping episode did he say a word to help her.

Throughout the episode, we see that Judith is a lot like Dean when it comes to Beth. They don’t listen to her and they don’t see her. Beth had to repeatedly explain that her workplace sells “not just cards” and this is strikingly similar to Dean’s blatant disregard for Beth’s opinions and thoughts.

I think the writers and Jessica Walter did a fantastic job of capturing the complexity of a character like Judith. I’m quite passionate about this kind of thing because I grew up in a family where it was commonplace to see a sort of bitterness develop in women who had suffered a lifetime of simultaneous oppression and complete disregard from men and who had, as a result, developed a kind of internalised misogyny. More so, I love that the writers portray Judith as a character who is very much aware of this bitterness and yet she still personifies what those very men expected of her and she now expects the same from her daughter-in-law.

And yes! I wished that the writers would touch on mental health again and I got it! The discussion about post-partum depression is SO IMPORTANT. Women aren’t just mothers once they have kids; yes, it’s often a crucial part of their identity but it’s certainly not everything. Not even close to everything.

Judith sacrified her working life to raise Dean because her husband made more money than she did and it was expected of her to raise a child; she did not feel like she could have both. She patronises Beth in this scene, acting as though Beth should know better by now. What I love most about this is Beth saying that Judith’s happiness was important and that she shouldn’t have quit. It represents so much growth to me because we’ve seen Beth back-slide into the misshapen family she has with Dean. This really represents to me that, internally, she’s moving forwards and she won’t let herself be held back by Dean.

(Another side-note but I love that Beth affectionately calls Kenny “KB” and that his full name is Kenneth Irving Boland.)

Beth

We talk about it all the time but Beth is veeerrryy good at compartmentalising. We’ve seen it numerous times. With relation to this scene, I love that she clearly feels weird about Turner’s death and that the girls seem to appreciate the possibility that she might be upset over it, as her and Agent Turner did have a weird kind of relationship that she enjoyed sometimes. I think, in her own way, she resented him but also respected his ability to see through her and match her. She definitely really enjoyed the high she got from one-upping him.

Despite this, Beth lays down the flowers and is all about business again. She processes her emotions and moves on and we’ve seen her do that a lot. She did it with Dean in 1x01, when she wrecked his study with a sledgehammer and yanked the pig off of Boland Motors but then went straight back to sorting out financial matters with him and being civil. She resented Mary Pat for extorting them but she seemed to come to terms with how similar they were in season 1. She was tearful over Dean’s cancer diagnosis but she processed it and came up with the idea to launder money through stores. We’ve seen it now with Agent Turner, her processing his death and moving on. I love how perturbed the girls were by Beth’s reaction; they really have clocked on to this side of Beth that they never saw before the events of seasons 1 and 2, how she can’t quite get enough crime and they are maybe now realising that Beth has always exhibited a kind of ruthless pragmatism.

The only person we arguably haven’t seen her do this with is Rio; she’s never been able to process her relationship with him. Following the ‘breakup’ scene in 1x09, she was clearly grieving something and she couldn’t move on like she had with any of her other relationships. Instead, by having him arrested (even if it was only for a short time), she ensured Rio could not turn his back on her.

As I said before, Rio’s shadow hangs over Beth’s arc and Beth’s shadow hangs over Rio’s scenes. Beth continues to learn from what she saw of Rio and she continues to try and emulate him. What I love most of all is that this is rarely successful, compared to what she manages to achieve in this episode by playing on her own, personal strengths, for example the scene where she speaks to the manager and lists all of the community positions she holds. Despite this, she has a lot to learn and she really needs to stop and think sometimes (gosh, I don’t know if she’s ever going to do that haha) before barrelling into a situation. Annie is absolutely right; Beth will never be Rio, no matter how much she tries to think like him or act like him, because they have their own strengths and the world regards them differently.

I do love that she has clearly learnt a couple of things from Rio, such as outsourcing in order to launder the counterfeit cash and, my personal favourite, she’s finally realised that there are consequences for screwing up. In this episode, she teaches Annie a lesson about how, if they continue to be taken advantage of by criminals attempting to renegotiate deals, eventually everyone will know and exploit it. It really reminded me of Rio’s rotten egg lesson in 1x07. Say what you want but these two definitely have some good teaching moments haha.

Don’t even get me started on Beth completely zoning Dean out and thinking about crimeing. She’s just always thinking about crimeing, so much so that she lets her mother-in-law come into her house and belittle her, solely because Judith is cleaning up after the kids and Dean (and ironing Dean’s boxers, eewwwwww); clearly, Beth’s priorities have shifted alot over the timeskip. That scene where she just goes full mum Bethie mode, serving lemonade and walking like an absolute queen to the truck, to get what she wants from the movers. That hair, those big blue eyes, that sweater and that French music! Perfection! AND SHE HAS A CHINESE SYMBOL TATTOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!! ON HER HIP!!!!! OMG!!!!!!!!!!!! I NEED RIO TO REFER TO THAT AT SOME POINT THIS SEASON!

Ahem. Anyway, my second favourite scene in this episode was the scene between Beth and the mover in her backyard. Gosh, it was amazing. And I loved her blouse. The music, the intensity, the power play, the staring. Oh my god. I have watched it about 100 times already. It was genuinely a stunning scene and both actors killed it.

Dean and Gayle

I think there are two potential ways this is gonna go. Either Dean cheats with Gayle, after attempting to resist the temptation and grounding himself in Beth and their family, or he experiences some attention at work that he doesn’t necessarily appreciate, paralleling the attention he paid his female employees who were in a vulnerable position. Maybe it’ll be both?

Regardless, I think that this arc is really going to further separate Beth and Dean and their respective interests. I mean, so far Beth and Dean’s arcs have been entangled; even in season 2, Dean is drawn into Beth’s crimeing with Rio and the family business he inherited was used to launder money. Now, Beth and Dean have very different and separate storylines with regards to their work. Beth is crimeing and Dean is unaware of what she is up to, as she has absolutely no interest in confiding in him (I mean, she suspiciously asks him why he needs money from her; she clearly doesn’t see him as anything more than just Dean at this point). The only link they seem to share now isn’t the dealership, work or crime. It’s really only their kids. I think we’re going to see their paths diverge further this season, particularly following the kiss (which I think will be in 3x04 based on Beth’s flowery blouse in the released pictures but she’s worn it numerous times before and has already worn it in this episode, so who knows!)

Also, classic Dean paying too much gross attention to a woman’s body, even as a tattoo, making inappropriate comments and judging the movers for being ex-convicts. God, Dean is such a prick.

Ruby and Stan

The scene where Ruby felt that she and Stan were not being seen by the sales assistant was also really important. Gosh, I love how this show incorporates things that are not just relevant today but have always been relevant, you feel me. I also really loved that Stan defended his passivity in this situation with some very legitimate reasons. Fighting for what you believe in is great but it’s also okay to feel exhausted and just want to get something done. I really felt that and I feel like everyone can relate to that on some level.

I know nobody needs to hear me say this again but I’m so scared for Stan this season. Like, Manny has me scared by saying that he’s most excited for Stan’s storyline.

And yesssssss. Ruby confided in Stan. I’m so happy! What a stark contrast from Beth and Dean. These two really are the ideal relationship and couple.

That Ending!

It was basically painful to see Beth following up with Rhea throughout this episode, knowing that Rio had put the pieces together and was gearing up to reveal himself to Beth. I also love how genuine the phone call was between Beth and Rhea and it kind of broke my heart but it really is deserved. Gosh Beth, you are a whole ass mess and you and Rio really deserve eachother.

I have considered how this was going to play out so many times and I have thought of so many different ways it could have happened. We haven’t even seen it all yet but I genuinely think Rio revealing that he’s alive to Beth happened perfectly. I love the way we hear his voice first (just like Beth heard his voice first when she met him in 1x01), the way that the camera keeps Beth in frame and pans to Rio slipping into the chair next to her, not taking his eyes off of her and savouring her reaction. You can just tell that he’s thought about this moment so many times! I’ve said it before but there’s something in the way Rio moves, this kind of elegance and grace that I’ve never really seen before.

Him slipping into that chair is straight up perfection though. To me, it represents all the ways that Rio continues to just casually slip into all the parts of Beth’s life, just like he always has since the beginning of their relationship; it doesn’t even feel like an invasion, if that makes sense. That side shot we get of Beth’s face really captures how wide her eyes become, they’re practically swallowing her face she’s in so much shock.

The ringing in her ears, the way all the noise disappears from the room but we can hear the thunk of the chair as Rio sits in it and the sound of his hands clasping together, everything else becomes unimportant. THE WAY HIS HEAD IS TILTED. HOW MANY FREAKING TIMES HAS HE THOUGHT ABOUT THIS?!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Don’t even get me started on Rio’s extra AF ass kissing the bullets she shot him with as he lays them down in front of her and lists the organs that she injured in the 3x03 promo. We see how close he leans in but doesn’t touch her. I am so curious to see how he leans in and how quickly it happens. The faux gentleness in his eyes and face and voice, referring to her as “his girl”. Where is the lie?! Beth really is his mess to clean up. I am really loving the dimension that is added to their relationship with this. Like, I hate you and I want to kill you and I’m planning to kill you so nobody else can do it. It has to be me. And then when Rio realises that he can’t kill Beth, because of the bombshell she drops, I can’t wait to see that shift into something like I hate you but I guess I have to deal with you and nobody else can touch you.

As for what I think the bombshell will be. Lemme just get this out there. I don’t think it will be pregnancy for so many reasons, which have already been discussed in the fandom. It may have something to do with Beth’s operation, maybe it’s something that she does in 3x03 that we haven’t even seen yet or maybe we just won’t know until we watch the episode lol.

Anyway, I’m super excited for 3x03 and can’t wait discuss it and them speculate on 3x04 afterwards.

#nbc good girls

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gotoveritstillloveyou · 3 years

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I'm just writing to let you know that I've pet Christ into my heart and all my sins are forgiven, I've been in an AA program and I'm on step 7 and I just want to make amends with you, everything was my fault, and I'm on a mission to spread love and light and I've found my true path as an empath moon child, I've found healing and now I must heal the world.

Jesus, if I actually wrote you something like that, I know that you love me enough that you would do the right thing and take me out back and shoot me.

Now just hold you're fuckin horses. I know you probably don't want to hear from me. Maybe you've even forgotten me. You probably have an idea of who I am and what kind of bullshit letter I'm about to write you. Just wrangle your ponies for a second and throw out that idea. This is not what you think it is and not what you're expecting and I am not the person that comes to mind. Just let me explain before you bail.

I know what I'm writing. So we had this thing together. "Figuring it out". We were on a mission. We were gonna figure out life, figure out ourselves and become our best happiest versions, figure each other out, and we had this big dream. It went well at first, then it really went to shit with a high fiber diet. You left forever. I accept that. I kept going. I kept working on the same mission. Not just working on my life and mission. Our mission. That thing we worked so hard on and tried so hard for. I just kept going. Again, not for me. For us.

This may seem like a stupid decision. Maybe it was, but it was my decision. It was barely a choice honestly, but I stuck with it. I kept you on my mind and I kept working on those things. I kept loving you, again not much choice in that, but I still love you. I love you more than ever honestly. Again, not your fucking problem. You owe me nothing and hold no obligation to return those feelings.

Here's the thing. I succeeded. I triumphed. I am victorious in what we set out to do. It was extremely difficult. There's one thing left. I hold all this information and discoveries in my head and all these thoughts of you and something in me is just screaming that I must write it down.

Why should you care? It is long forgotten and in the past. Look, have I bothered you at all? Have I did one single thing? You knew me for 2 years, did you ever know me to respect a law? No, that's not what's been stopping me. I haven't had anything worth saying. Now I do. This doesn't have to mean anything to you, but this is more than some love letter or some old boyfriend.

There are things you don't know that I think you should. After you left I started writing and investigation and experimenting. My main goals were to get an answer about what happened between us, to figure out what was wrong with me, and to somehow recover and get over you or to come up with something to say to you. Over the course of trying to do this I discovered some shit. I found something to say to you.

I discovered that things were not what they seemed. Never once in this letter will there be any gas lighting, any denial of what happened, any denial of facts. But I found out that there was truly something else going on. I found out that we seemed like somebody else to each other. I found some things truly paranormal and supernatural in nature.

I came to a deeper understanding of myself, you, God, and life. I began to realize that it had to happen like that. I brought it full circle. When I look back and see who we were and what we set out to do, I see that what has happened was the only way to actually achieve that. What I went through was the only way I was ever going to truly change as a person, and I'm not talking about the mean messed up guy I was back then, I'm talking about everything. I'm not talking about baby I've changed, baby things could be different. I am talking about a fundamental change from top bottom, from the tip of my nose to the bottom of my soul, everything that I ever was. The experience was nessecary to you too. What we experienced was not some good/bad failed relationship. What we experienced was God's plan. It was a psychedelic horror show.

I've began making some lofty claims, and I can promise you I have proof and explanations for what I'm saying. Give me a chance.

Again, pull the rains on your unicorn. I know what's probably going through your mind, so let me finish my intro.

I know writing you and thinking something is going to happen is absolutely futile. That's not what I'm doing. I've climbed so many mountains and died so many times. I'm not quite done with what I'm working on, I'm in a period of transition and rest, but I've got past the hard part. I am empty of any desires or any problems and things are kinda finally over with, but since the day you left, to this day, on this day more powerfully than ever, I am driven to write this. There is not much left to do, and not much going on, but these thoughts in my head are beyond important, greater than meaningful, and they are screaming to be let out, and there's only one person they could possibly be said to.

You.

I know who you are, and who I'm writing to. Through this journey I've been on I've come to a deeper understanding of you than probably anyone ever will. But I'm not living in the clouds any more. I know that the person I'm writing to is someone from the past, who has changed a lot since I last saw her. I'm writing to someone who does not want to hear from me, someone I will never ever see again. Someone who I hurt and betrayed who will never forgive me. I have absolutely not change at changing your mind, writing to you likely will even have bad consequences for me, or it might upset you to hear from me. You might have a kid now, or be with someone else, or become someone else. Maybe you're horrible now, maybe all those bad things I thought were true. Maybe you're even more amazing now, and would never let a wretch like me cross your mind. My point is, I'm not being some romantic fool. I'm writing a letter to a memory, someone who has long moved on and forgotten me, and no matter how badly I want it, someone who will never be in my life again, someone who ultimately will not give a single fuck about what I'm about to write, someone who most likely would laugh at this and share with their friends so they can all laugh at it together.

And I do have a fantastical notion of who you are, but believe me I would never let myself be dumb enough to believe and hope for it to be real, that would be suicide. But I think of a girl that truly loved me so much and tried so hard for us. I write this weird cryptic shit and think man nobody would understand this, but I realize that I used to know someone that would get it. I write this, and my other even crazier Tumblr, and think God I could never show this to anyone, and then I remember a girl I knew that showed me her fucked up Tumblr that was way worse than this on our first date. Every day I have all these thoughts and I know there's only one person that would understand, and I have this feeling in my heart that just won't quit, and then I came upon these revelations and discoveries and I know that I have to tell you them.

Hold the fuck on I'm not even done, put your Pegasus back in its hangar.

You're remembering the wrong person. You're sitting here reading this bullshit and you're thinking it's bullshit because you're thinking of someone else. You gotta let that go or you're gonna miss out on what I'm about to say. You have some really bad memories of me. I was broken. What you saw and what we experienced together was full of secrecy and illusions. You will understand if you read this whole thing. I was hidden to you. I purposely hid myself from you, I acted a certain way on purpose, I was scared of you l, I refused to give my true self to you. Beyond that, I was fundamentally broken, in more ways than you have any clue of, I was hidden from myself beyond my own control. I didn't know who I was. You were in love with me, but you weren't in love with this hidden version of me, or this broken piece of shit I was on the outside. You saw right through that, and I don't know how, but you were in love with the truest form of me, you were in love with my soul and nothing else, and despite all else. I think that's beautiful. And then you went through all that shit with the other me. That other me said and did so many things to you. Finally, just one time, read what the real me has to say.

Rein in your rhino. I'm not saying what you think I'm saying. I am not forgiven or absolved. I am not saying I'm different now so those things don't matter. I will provide no excuse, no rationalization, no justification. What I got for you are reasons, reasons I fought hard to obtain. I have a story to tell you. I will not ask you for forgiveness, I will never be able to undo what happened, nothing changes it, but there's a story you need to hear.

And just park your fucking chariot right there. I am not insane. God what a relief that would be. I know what it's like to be insane. Currently, I am the most stable, well balanced, clear thinking, and consistent I have ever been in my entire life. In fact, for a few years there, I kept thinking I figured it all out! And I would eventually get a moment of clarity, and be like damn, I've been mentally ill for the whole past 3 months and I was wrong as fuck about everything. That day refuses to come. It would be such a relief. Because what I'm about to write I know is true, and it being true is the greatest Hell I probably could've landed in.

Do you truly hate me for what I did and wish the worst for me? Then that's why you should read this. This is my punishment. I truly lived in torment for about a year after you left, so enjoy that. But then I began to figure it out. I figured out what happened. You think I'm guilty and you hate me about all the mean ways I acted? Oh, what I really did is much worse. It is entirely unknown to you, and this is my confession. I did find some peace and health through the journey after our relationship, and through working through all those memories, but then I found all the missing puzzle pieces, and I truly know what I've done, I truly know what I've missed out on, I truly know what was possible, and what it all meant, and the conclusion I've arrived on is the most painful and brain shredding thing I ever could've imagined.

I really want you to read and understand this. Just give it a chance. None of this made sense to me for so long, but I began to uncover all these hidden truths, and all this secrets, and all these connections. Despite who you are now and what you think now, we went through that together. We were together almost 2 years and lived with each other for almost a year. We felt extremely huge emotions and put in so much effort and changed our lives so much. You deserve to know the truth.

Please put aside, just temporarily, whatever you told yourself about what happened, what you told other people, what you remember happening, what you told yourself in order to move on, and what you have done since then. I know it's something from the past and that it's so pointless, but every cell in my body is screaming that you need to hear this.

Just for a minute, remember me. Remember how I just kinda appeared in your life and changed everything. Remember in what a shit place you were, both of us were? Remember how bleak and empty life was. How you were all messed up and nobody could help you? And then boom it all changed. I watched you transform. You can't deny that happened and that I helped you. I watched you go from someone near death to someone glowing like the sin. I'm sorry I was so blind to it then, but I look back and I see you trying so fucking hard and putting in so much effort, I saw that you were incredibly in love with me. Remember that feeling? Don't you remember how it all felt like it was all meant to be? It all felt like it was all clicking together and it was some big adventure. It wasn't all bad, I'm sorry I ruined most of it and it was overall boring, but remember the times we had fun? Remember triumphing over problems, and growing together? Remember when we would finish a project and it actually went well and we were happy? Remember the real me. Remember that you always had a protector, someone always looking out for you. Someone that finally could handle and understand your bullshit, someone you couldn't scare off. Someone that swept you off your feet and carried you off on an adventure.

Yeah it went really bad and turned out shit and ended. I'm not telling you to forget that. But you stuck through all that for a reason. I tried hard as fuck to get rid of you. Everything that was happening was horrible. But still you stuck around. Because I did something for you, and you were hoping it would turn around. Remember that big dream life we had and trying so hard to make it happen? Remember all the times I held your hand when you were scared, calmed you down from a panic attack, woke you up from a nightmare and soothed you back to sleep? That guy that had a million dreams and always had a cool idea or a cool something to show you. The guy that always brought you a cool rock or specimen from nature? The guy that cried like a baby when the betta fish you picked out died? I know you knew the real me, like I said you knew and loved my soul. Don't you remember how confusing it was for it to all fall apart, what a contradictory experience it turned into, this crazy push and pull of emotions, a collapse we fought so hard to stop?

Don't tell yourself it was all a mistake and a lie. It's not. Don't tell yourself your just a Pupina that had yet another bad relationship with a crazy person. That's not what happened. Forget the story as it stands. You and I were the only ones that know what really took place and what it felt like. I have explored every single memory and feeling and discovered the truth behind all of this and you deserve to know it.

What I'm about to write is complex and crazy. I've been working on figuring it out for 2 years and I've tried multiple times to write it. Just please hear me out. I never would've ever considered even writing you a single paragraph if it were not for the truth I've discovered. What happened happened, I will not change any of the facts of that or explain away a single thing that went down. But what I discovered was supernatural in nature, I found many things that were kept secret and unknown to the both of us, I found deeper meaning behind every meaning, I found all these little clues scattered throughout that led me right to where I am, I found that the things that happened were often illusory in nature and had something greater under the surface. In fact, I discovered that most things were SUPPOSED to seem exactly what they seemed like, but were actually something else. And, most of all, I found that we were supposed to break up, and that a massive wall was put between us, and that we were supposed to think exactly what we think of each other and that that big wall was supposed to be there. Please peek over the fucking wall. Don't let them blind you to this.

I'm sorry you don't get a love letter or an apology. That's in here though. You get a psychedelic psychological spiritual conspiracy theory. That's just who I am. I will address all the facts as well, the normal view of things. I will confess to everything, apologize for all the bad, admit all secrets, unveil the hidden truth, describe my punishment, explain everything, I will do it all. It's all in here. This is something I never thought I would understand, and I understand it now. I never thought I would have anything to say to you, I always had a million things to say after I left but none of them were worth it to say, but this is. Please read it.

So go ahead saddle up your pony. Ride on out of here if you want. If that's what you wanna do I have just one last thing to say. There are no words on this world that can describe how sorry I am for the bad things. There is no book of poetry that could ever describe how I feel about the good things. You owe me nothing and are under no obligation. I owe you everything. Everything I am and everything I've done, the fact that I am even alive, I owe it all to you. You have given me the greatest things that life could ever offer. I love you more than I could ever love anything, I don't care what the future brings, you will always be everything to me and I will love you beyond the day I die. I love you forever and ever. You are the best thing that ever happened to me and as far as I'm concerned you're the most amazing person that ever existed.

People do a lot of shit after a break up. You've told me about your past relationships. You have to have a way to explain it to yourself and a story to tell other people. That's not for me. I want the truth. I've been in a relationship and a breakup before, and I didn't have a books worth of shit to say about it, I told myself a story but all in all it wasn't hard to understand. With you? The most complicated thing I've ever experienced. In fact I could keep going but I must write this then stop.

I did one thing. I followed my heart. I needed answers and I wanted true answers. Looking back and sorting through everything that happened, it leads to something else, and it leads to you. I followed my heart and it leads to you. I ended my fued with God and he is pointing right at you. I remembered the things you taught me, and the good things I felt, and I just followed my heart and accepted my feelings. It was a singular and narrow path and it gave me everything I ever wanted, except you of course. Just that one simple thing I chose to do after you left, to keep loving you, changed everything about me, answered all my questions, and fixed everything that was broken. I know there is nothing I can do to change anything. Every time I write I fail to make it make sense. But what has happened and what is happening is inevitable. The truth is inevitable and you must face it. The past has passed but you must face the real truth. Whatever hate or love you have for me you must face the true me. It won't be by anything I can or will do, but it has to happen.

You can deny it all you want. You can be whoever you want to be. You can tell yourself whatever story you want about us. I know the truth. I know that it was a dark and light spiritual experience and a story of true love. I know it was supposed to happen and it was the most meaningful thing that ever happened to me. I know that I'm not even supposed to know the truth. I know what God has been up to and I know the secrets of this world. On everything I've ever loved, on all the energy I've ever possessed, I put it all into this, and I throw it at your feet. The truth will be shown. I have returned and the circle is complete. Come and see. Be not afraid.

"And I heard, as it were, the noise of thunder

One of the four beasts saying,

'Come and see.' and I saw, and behold a white horse"

… There's a man goin' 'round takin' names

And he decides who to free and who to blame

Everybody won't be treated all the same

There'll be a golden ladder reachin' down

When the man comes around

… The hairs on your arm will stand up

At the terror in each sip and in each sup

Will you partake of that last offered cup

Or disappear into the potter's ground?

When the man comes around

… Hear the trumpets hear the pipers

One hundred million angels singin'

Multitudes are marchin' to the big kettledrum

Voices callin', voices cryin'

Some are born and some are dyin'

It's alpha and omega's kingdom come

And the whirlwind is in the thorn tree

The virgins are all trimming their wicks

The whirlwind is in the thorn tree

It's hard for thee to kick against the pricks

… Till armageddon no shalam, no shalom

Then the father hen will call his chickens home

The wise man will bow down before the throne

And at his feet they'll cast their golden crowns

When the man comes around

… Whoever is unjust let him be unjust still

Whoever is righteous let him be righteous still

Whoever is filthy let him be filthy still

Listen to the words long written down

When the man comes around

… Hear the trumpets hear the pipers

One hundred million angels singin'

Multitudes are marchin' to the big kettledrum

Voices callin', voices cryin'

Some are born and some are dyin'

It's alpha and omega's kingdom come

And the whirlwind is in the thorn tree

The virgins are all trimming their wicks

The whirlwind is in the thorn trees

It's hard for thee to kick against the prick

In measured hundredweight and penny pound

When the man comes around

… "And I heard a voice in the midst of the four beasts

And I looked, and behold a pale horse

And his name that sat on him was death, and hell followed with him"

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limitless-muse · 4 years

Text

Harrison James Potter

Character Development Questions: Hard Mode

Does your character have siblings or family members in their age group? Which one are they closest with?

His closest in age family member was Dudley Dursley, his mother’s sister’s son.

Dudley has been a bully to him all his life.

So, no, not close.

What is/was your character’s relationship with their mother like?

Never got to have one, she was murdered when he was one.

What is/was your character’s relationship with their father like?

Never got to have one, she was murdered when he was one.

Has your character ever witnessed something that fundamentally changed them? If so, does anyone else know?

Besides his mother’s murder when he was one?

Abuse at the hands of his aunt, uncle, and cousin.

For the first eleven years of his life and every summer after that.

Inadvertantly killing his first defense teacher.

Almost got mind wiped by his second defense teacher, instead they mind wiped themselves.

Watching his friend’s sister get the life drained out of her.

Killing a like... twenty-foot deadly snake with only a hat, a phoenix, and a sword?

Almost had his soul sucked out by Dementors.

Almost expelled for self-defense.

Ran into giant man-eating spiders in the forest beside his school.

Learned his parent’s best friend was the reason they were dead (later learned to be a lie and learned they were imprisoned without trial).

Chased by a werewolf.

Once again almost had his soul sucked out by Dementors. This time dozens of them.

Entered into a deadly tournament where no one believed he didn’t enter himself.

Did we mention a DEADLY tournament?

The entire school shamed him.

Almost killed by a nesting, mother dragon.

Threatened by merpeople.

Repeatedly in danger in a giant maze.

Watched his fellow student killed because they were “an unnecessary spare”.

Used and witnessed a dark ritual to resurrect his parent’s murder at the hands of his parent’s REAL betrayer.

Fight for his life to get away from the murderer and murderer’s followers.

Took his fellow student’s body home.

Was called a liar about it all.

Forced to obey as secrets were kept from him when it was HIS life in danger by the adults around him who were fickle about how they treated him.

Forced to endure his fourth defense teacher who steadily called him a liar (Umbitch, people, Umbitch).

Tortured by his fourth defense teacher with a corporal punishment like tool: the blood quil

Almost spell tortured by same teacher and almost forced truth serum and interrogated by same teacher

Went on a rescue mission where he ended up getting his friend’s hurt, almost killed, and the person he went to save died saving him.

Everyone changes their views and he’s not a liar

Guilt over his godfather’s death

All those below depend on the universe. His main does not include them

Not listened to or at least heard out when warning about someone suspicious

Tortures his Headmaster - at his prompting - for a dangerous artifact then is forced to silently watch him be killed by his fifth defense professor

Forced to go on the run on a treasure hunt

Used an unforgivable

Robbed a bank and saved a dragon

Dealt with his friends being tortured at school

His friends tortured in front of him

War and all that encompasses it

Being killed by his parent’s murderer

Killing his parent’s murderer

Living while other’s died

On an average day, what can be found in your character’s pockets?

His wand, chocolate frog, wallet, his life in a trunk

Does your character have recurring themes in their dreams?

When he was young, it was the flying motorcycle

Then him flying a broom chasing the snitch

Does your character have recurring themes in their nightmares?

In his legit nightmares, there’s his parent’s murder or the abuse or all the bad things at school

Then you have the special category of nightmares given to him

Has your character ever fired a gun? If so, what was their first target?

How about a wand? If so, since eleven. First target: a matchstick.

Is your character’s current socioeconomic status different than it was when they were growing up?

Orphan adopted by family.

Hero orphan boy.

Last of many families, many times over Lord, and rich orphan

Does your character feel more comfortable with more clothing, or with less clothing?

More yes.

In what situation was your character the most afraid they’ve ever been?

Depends, which life endangering scenario do you want to talk about?

In what situation was your character the most calm they’ve ever been?

On a broom.

Alone in a potions lab.

Reading a book in a quiet nook.

Is your character bothered by the sight of blood? If so, in what way?

Not really, no.

Does your character remember names or faces easier?

Faces.

Names becomes a necessity.

Is your character preoccupied with money or material possession? Why or why not?

Material. Not money, but he knows that it’s necessary and that’s it.

Which does your character idealize most: happiness or success?

Happiness

What was your character’s favorite toy as a child?

His blanket with his name embroidered on it

A broken toy soldier

Broken crayons

Is your character more likely to admire wisdom, or ambition in others?

Depends, those who all claim to be or are regaled as wise have all done him wrong. Those with ambition have as well.

So...

He’s met some good ones, but he has no hopes up for such people.

What is your character’s biggest relationship flaw? Has this flaw destroyed relationships for them before?

The fact that he has a constant target on his back and is in the limelight

Oh and the fact that he’s a rich Lord

So people are grabbing at him and it’s hard to determine who’s being genuine

In what ways does your character compare themselves to others? Do they do this for the sake of self-validation, or self-criticism?

Self-criticism

He tries self-validation, but it doesn’t really stick. Especially when what people laud over are the things he doesn’t like.

If something tragic or negative happens to your character, do they believe they may have caused or deserved it, or are they quick to blame others?

Generally, it might be his fault.

Most of the time, he’s wrong place, wrong time.

Occasionally he’ll blame the wrong person, but that’s because he doesn’t have all the facts and what he does have leads to that conclusion.

What does your character like in other people?

Truth

What does your character dislike in other people?

Lies

Wanting to kill or torture him

How quick is your character to trust someone else?

Not really

How quick is your character to suspect someone else? Does this change if they are close with that person?

Generally does, but for good reason as dictated by facts.

Plus, everyone seems out to use him or kill him so...

How does your character behave around children?

He is a child

How does your character normally deal with confrontation?

Head on, like a Gryffindor

Until his change of heart to his true calling, Slytherin

How quick or slow is your character to resort to physical violence in a confrontation?

Not really his thing. Last resort if words and his wand don’t work

What did your character dream of being or doing as a child? Did that dream come true?

His dream was to leave his relatives and... still hasn’t happened fully yet

What does your character find repulsive or disgusting?

Dudley and Vernon’s appetites and eating habits

Several potions ingredients

Killing a unicorn

Describe a scenario in which your character feels most comfortable.

Riding a broom

Brewing in a potions lab

Reading a book in a quiet space

Describe a scenario in which your character feels most uncomfortable.

Anywhere with people

In the face of criticism, is your character defensive, self-deprecating, or willing to improve?

Depends on who says it and what it’s about

Generally defensive

Occasionally willing to improve

Is your character more likely to keep trying a solution/method that didn’t work the first time, or immediately move on to a different solution/method?

He might try it twice, but it’s easier just to try something else

How does your character behave around people they like?

Smiling, joking, affectionate

How does your character behave around people they dislike?

Sarcastic, sassy, leave me alone or be cursed

Is your character more concerned with defending their honor, or protecting their status?

Considering he’s a Lord now... he has to do both

Beforehand? Just his honor, he doesn’t care about the status of Boy-Who-Lived

Is your character more likely to remove a problem/threat, or remove themselves from a problem/threat?

Depends, but he’d rather not deal with it

Has your character ever been bitten by an animal? How were they affected (or unaffected)?

A dog because it was his Aunt Marge’s and she told the dog to do so.

How does your character treat people in service jobs?

Nicely. He understands more than most what it means to be treated like shite.

Does your character feel that they deserve to have what they want, whether it be material or abstract, or do they feel they must earn it first?

Both

His upbringing makes him feel like he has to both earn it, but he deserves it for what happened to him

Has your character ever had a parental figure who was not related to them?

His uncle Vernon

Has your character ever had a dependent figure who was not related to them?

No, unless you count Hedwig

How easy or difficult is it for your character to say “I love you?” Can they say it without meaning it?

Difficult, very difficult considering he’s never felt such a thing before that he can remember

What does your character believe will happen to them after they die? Does this belief scare them?

Life’s next great adventure

#harrisonpotter #headcanon #harrison headcanon #character development: hard #TW: Abuse

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