#the mention of greggs arouses me tbh -vixen

[artificialqueens]

More than meats the pie (Shattiana) ~ Hobnob

A/N: More than meats the pie is a spin off of the critically acclaimed series, Trixie’s day out. I always related to the character of Sharron Needles in the first edition, she only had 2 lines but god they were powerful. As someone who regularly pops into greggs for a pastie here and there, this fic gave me the shivers.

It was the night of Halloween. Sharron needles stood behind the counter of greggs. It was chucking it down and some local roadmen were sparking a weed up outside.

This was her favorite time of year. They sold spooky confections like creepy cupcakes, bat biscuits and sharons personal favorite, monster mallows.

Yes. It truly was a night of magic in the greggs bakery. Sharron laughed jiggling her jaw.

She checked her casio sports watch. Time for a new batch of steak bakes!

Just as she was adding bones to the spoo0ky savoury treats a customer busted down the door, slamming their 3 hands on the table.

It was the manager of camden greggs, Miss fame! She had a few stab marks from a close shave with the roadmen, but other than that, she was positively stunning.

“Sharron stfu for a moment” Fame clucked, panic engulfing her. “Were in real deep shit man. Reeeal deep shit”

“Wott happened?” Sharron inquired, stubbing out her ciggy on a cheese and onion pastie then selling it to blind alan from down the road.

“Over in telford. all the workers died in a pastry related incident” Fame shook her head, pushing over blind alan in a fit of rage. “I need you to get down there as soon as possible”

“Will i get extra pay?”

“No, you’ll work for minimum wage and a slap”

Sharron was only passionate about two things. Partying hard, and greggs. She had to fulfil her duty.

“You can count on me fame! H0h h0h h0h!”

“Cool im going to play bingo with pearl” Fam said leaving. A flock of chickens followed behind her.

Time to put her training into action. Sharon popped on her yellow wellies and booted it down the A45. She was off to telford.

As sharron made her way down the A45, she couldn’t help but notice a car at the side of the road. Much like katya, it was coughing smoke and broken down.

She swerved off to talk to the driver. “Tf its chucking it down m8 what you doing in the middle of the road”

The driver rolled down her window. A disgruntled looking tatianna poked her head out. “Broke doon” she said in a thick scottish accent. “Cann yee fix eht?”

Sharon cracked her knuckles. Of corse she could. Ripping the hood off the car she licked the battery, feeling the machines emotions. This was a troubled vehicle.

“Have you got PPI?” sharron spooked, grinding against the car.

“Asha fooken ppaigh canny shittn bairn” Tattianna spoke elegantly, flipping of a lorry driver.

With one decisive blow, sharon thrusted a yum yum into the exhaust pipe. “The car was just hungry h0h h0h!”

On queue the engine started up. Tatty grinned and slapped sharron on the back. “Fooken gud ladd! Dae ye want ah lift?”

Sharron hmmed, it would save her the inevitable leg surgery of running from camden to telford. “Yeah go on then”

Sharron hopped in the passengers seat. There were some body bags in the back of the car, but she chose to ignore the warning signs. TatterTott stuck on the radio and kate bush was playing. Absolute bop.

The drive was a long one. In hindsight she shouldn’t of worn a discount wich costume from asda, she was sweating like a nonce in a playpark. Tatianna was also in a costume, her white shirt was covered in blood and human hair.

“I like your costume h0h”

“Ach eet aisnt ah costoume lassie”

“Lol”

Finally, after about 7 hours of silence and kate bush playing on a loop, the pair found themselves in telford, looking at iron bridge.

“Ah can taek yee noa further” Tateanna scottished, grabbing the body bag from her back seat. Sharron watched on as she dumped the body off the side of the bridge.

Exiting the car, she made her way over to the local greggs, the only solice in a shithole like Telford. Everyone was either a whore or 5 years old.

Over the horizon shone the beacon. She burst through the door to find all the employees dead, covered in flakey lattice crumbs. “Never eat the lattices” Sharon sighed, kneeling down to shut the eyes of the employees and give them forehead kisses.

She got to work serving customers spooky baked goods. They didn’t mind the dead bodies too much. kids would burst out crying occasionally, but that added to the Halloween spook fun!

After a hard days work sharron was finally finished. Her body could be released into the eternal void.

She locked up shop after dumping the bodies in the dumpster behind the back alley, fist bumping the local ladds along the way. Mickey D, Sammy shank-stain, and dobbin.

She decided to go for a pint, after all, she had no way of getting home on her salary. She stepped into Knob and jockey pub and scanned the surrounding.

A couple of Trinity’s were gathered in a circle playing conkers, and there were some schoolboys beating up the tappie.

From the corner of her eye Sharon spotted Tattiana chugging a dirty pint. She decided to sit by her.

“Ah ah remember yee! Hae did the job goo?” She rambled, grabbing a schoolboys hat and spitting into it.

“Best sales to date. Id be genuinely happy if my body allowed me to be h0h h0h!” Sharon sobbed. “I need a lift home”

“Ach whel thats tea bad the coppers caught me dumpen phi phi o'harahs body oot by iron bridge. I canny leave this puub fer at leahst…” Tattiana checked her casio sports watch “eeight years lass”

“Jinkies” Sharron snaggle-toothed. “Fuck am i going to do then”

“Legend seeys if yech sey phi phi o'hara three tiems in a rooh, she comes back tae life. If yea bring her tea life t’ rozzers will nea want my tight boody inn jail”

Amongst the slurs and poor grammar Sharron thought she could just about hear what she had to do.

She got up and went to the bathroom. Time for…the summoning.

She turned down the lights and looked in the mirror. She whipped out her travel pack of sacrificial candles from Morrisons and lit them. The local schoolboys looked on in horror.

Phi phi o'hara…

Phi phi o'hara…

Phi phi….. O’ Ooooooo Nghoooh! O’ Phi Hars Hara

Kzoom! Phi phi appeared in a puff of smoke.

“Lol where are we, party city?” Phi phi bitched.

“You are free, shantay you dont stay!” Sharon yelled holding up a holy cross, spooking her out of the bathroom and probably into the main road to get hit by a car.

Sharron sat back down besides tattiana who was absolutely smashed at this point, and in no state to drive. Just completely plastered.

“Okay lehts goo” she chundered, throwing a cheeky fiver at the waitress.

They both got into the car. A job well done. It was around 1 in the morning at this point and they were both sleepy boys.

Sharron had made her minimum wage, and most importantly, a new friend.

“Ahm a convicted criminal”

“Me too” Sharron whispered leaning on Tatty. “Me too…”