#the mortifying beautiful ordeal of being known. et cetera

[swinging-stars-from-satellites]

man imagine being caught in a seemingly neverending loop of the same day over and over again and no matter what you do you just can't win and everything except for restarting the day is completely out of your control and it's confusing and frustrating and terrifying and then you get out of it, which is also completely out of your control, and you have to live with all that and then some random dude turns up and he gets it. he's in the same thing. and you're inadvertently sucked back into a loop again but this time you can't remember it, you have to take this guy's word for it, trust everything he's telling you about how you're going to die in his effing loop, how to act and what he's telling you to do and how to avoid your own seemingly-inevitable death, and that's terrible, just awful, on so many levels one of which is putting your life in the hands of someone you have only one reason to trust, but at the same time, for the first time in who knows how long, someone else gets what you've been through, knows how your world works now, the ways you've had to adapt and what is now the reason you tick, and for the first time in the longest time, you're understood

[skippydiesposting]

ughhh I just keep having these feelings of overwhelming intensity about art/literature/music/science/et cetera and the simultaneous feeling of grief like nobody else knows or understands or cares about all the wonder and genius and beauty of it all

and it's like. maybe I should use all that energy to actually write about it and stop being afraid of being seen or being cringe or being visible or embarrassing or whatever it is. like maybe if I feel like I'm the only person who gets something maybe I should share it and make something out of it bc that's the most honest part of me and the part I wish that the world could see. like I could use my blog as a blog. start taking my 100+ fucking drafts out of storage. all the stupid little essays and comparisons and overlapping themes I think about every single fucking day. just say fuck the rules that I've made for myself out of feelings of inadequacy and actually start showing myself and talking about the things I want to talk about. the Mortifying Ordeal of Being Known and all that. maybe. maybe.