#the other stoner in the apartment… slay <3

[munamania]

tonight i am going to sit in my room and get wizard high. and then maybe watch queer ultimatum w my friend

[kingbugz]

Green Elephant

You don’t really see someone's true colors until you get yourself undone from their leash. I saw her as a queen, this beautiful chaos, a fearless woman. I admired her bravery; her body had all these scars with different stories. She unclothed herself to me, grabbed me by the hand and let me feel her scares. She wasn’t afraid to show me every part of her. So, I promised that I’d always be there for her, I promised that we were going to be forever. She promised it all back to me.

We did everything together. We’d spend all day at school together, go home and eat everything in sight because our school was way too poor to afford school lunches. Just vending machines full of extremely healthy Hot Cheetos. We had sleepovers almost every night, except when she had to stay at her father's house, even then we would always be on the phone.

She was there when I had lots of my “firsts”. Like my first tattoo, and the first time I smoked weed was with her. It was a warm November day after school, we went to a garden in the park, a basic stoner move. And we shared her weed she bought off this guy at our Lutheran private school we went to. That day was the first time we shared a kiss. Nothing more than a peck, so don’t get too excited with your creepy lesbian fantasies dude. It didn’t feel strange, I didn’t hate it. Afterwards, we never talked about it again. Not because we were ashamed of it, but because it felt...normal?

We spent the rest of the night cuddled in her bed together listening to Frank Ocean while we starred at the dark ceiling. We kept on talking about how much we loved each other, but it wasn’t like this romantic love you see in cheesy rom coms. It was the type of love where you would do anything for them, I cared so much about this girl. We connected so easily.

I still remember the day we saw each other for the first time. She transferred into my school our sophomore year. It was last period and I was in art class. I sat by the door so I could quickly escape my teacher when the bell finally rung. I heard someone slamming their locker, I looked, not to be nosey of course, but because with any noise I am instantly distracted. When I looked up, my eyes matched hers directly and then we were awkwardly starring at each other for what felt like the rest of class. The bell rang, I grabbed my stuff and went to my locker. Which of course was right next to hers.

I wasn’t that annoying girl to greet the new girl all aggressively, so I politely ignored her. It was kind of hard to ignore each other when we had class together, had lockers next to each other. Oh and also went to a school that had only 200 students. I’m not sure when we started talking, but I do remember how we stopped talking, now that had more impact.

I’ll fast forward all the boring high school details:

1. Morning bells

2. Class

3. Lunch bell

4. Hot Cheetos

5. Class

6. Last Bell

7. Leave hell

8. Go to her house and dance instead of do homework.

9. I go home

10. Sleep

11. Repeat steps 1-11

We did this almost every day of the school year until one day she got a nose piercing. Yes, that of all things is what took us out of our high school routine. We loved it, it was fucking dope. But our private school administration thought otherwise. She went to school confidently and the minute the morning bell rang she was called into the principal's office. I offered to go with her, but as usual she fights her own battles, so she told me to stay back. It wasn’t long before she came back with a smirk, me thinking everything was okay. I was wrong, she was being expelled. She gave the principle the big ol’ middle finger, walked out from his office, packed all of her belongings from her locker and walked out the school like a boss. Until she realized that she needed to find a new school.

So, unfortunately our high school experience together had to end short, but that didn’t stop us from being together. She lived right across the street from the school, terrible I know, so we still saw each other every day. Days went on, our routine stayed the same, for the most part.

So, I’m not saying I'm the jealous type, but I don’t exactly like to share. There was someone else who was trying to maneuver their way into our lives. He, who shall not be named because I can’t fucking stand him, was this stupid guy who started to like her. They started to hang out, ditching our weekend sleepovers so they could do some super lame stuff together. At first, I was fine with it, I was happy that she had a little boy toy. Especially after the first time I had to help her get over her last boyfriend. Who is also a pig, long story short; he cheated on the queen. Her boy toy at the time seemed nice, but a bit controlling. He didn’t like her staying out too late with me, even if all we were doing was playing dress up with my dog in my tiny little apartment. He didn’t like the fact that her and I spent so much time together, even though I was in her life much longer than he was and I will always know more than she will ever tell him.

Her and I had this unbreakable bond, like dude you are not going to get in the way of us. Please stay in your lane. Or so I thought, I wasn’t long until I noticed her treating me different, distant maybe? She was always so warm and welcoming. She became colder as the weeks went by, he got into her head. I never thought that someone could come between us, especially not a little twig disguised as a boy.

Our relationship began to fade away like it meant nothing to her this whole time, we stopped talking out of nowhere. She was nowhere to be found.

I felt like I was going through a breakup, wondering what it was that I did wrong. I played nice with the guy you liked, I never got jealous the way he did when you looked at me that way. I was able to make you laugh the way he wished he could. He was the reason why we didn’t talk anymore.

Years went on, I finished high school and finally got that damn degree. She’d cross my mind once in a while, but not often. I searched for friends like her, gosh no one was ever going to fill those shoes. After all those years, I finally healed myself from that breakup. I got a new boyfriend, we slayed prom, all that cheesy high school shit. My life was back to normal it felt like.

Until that night she called me, it was a new number, but I answered. She asked to come pick me up, I gave her my new address because we finally moved out from the tiny apartment. I got into her fire red car when she pulled in front, got in and we just embraced each other. Those “I missed you hugs” hit different with the ones you love the most.

The whole car ride was just catching up after two years. Talked about new haircuts, new pets, my new boyfriend and her same old twig boy.

“Oh gosh, does he know you’re with me?” I laughed.

She was silent, a nervous laugh comes out and she says, “Not really. He thinks I’m with my mom.” I brushed that off, trying to not let anything ruin this night.

The red car took us to the beach, we walked and talked for hours. Laughing like old times, talking about our dreams for the future now that we both finished high school. It was nice to have her back in my life, it felt like things never faded in the first place.

After our long talks, she dropped me off home, she texted me when she got home. Telling me she was safe and that she had a good time and that we need to meet up again.

I didn’t hear from her for weeks after that, I felt like a fucking idiot. Her boy toy probably found out and made her delete my number again. Whatever, I didn’t care anymore. She gone for real this time.

I’m not sure if my women instincts are off, but I could have sworn that her and I were done. But again, she called me. Telling me that her boyfriend kicked her out the house and she needed a place to stay for a while.

And If you think that I am the type of person, who lets someone walk all over them, then you are god damn right. She stayed for a few days, we barely slept those days because she kept me up crying about how he kicked her out over who fed the cats or not. I cuddled her like old times, telling her that everything was going to be okay. But I wasn’t going to let him win again this time. This was her house too, her name was on the lease, she paid more bills than he did. So, one day when he was at work, her and I went back into her apartment and found that he put all of her belongs into big black garbage bags.

“This motherfucker.” I said while grabbing a bag. “Come on! We are unpacking your stuff, because you pay to live here too. He’s not gonna win again.”

She’s silent the whole time we are unpacking, but I play our favorite music and we dance the whole time to Beyoncé's Lemonade album. Iconic. Everything seems fine right, once again like nothing ever happened. But I couldn’t help but to wonder why she stopped talking to be again for the second time.

“Hey, so I have question. I know we are all good now, but why did you not talk to me after we met up that one night at the beach?” I ask.

“This is stupid so basically my boyfriend got really drunk one night and told me that you were prettier than me and that he’d fuck you.”

When I tell you I was ready to go to jail for murder that day, I was ready. I never wanted to push someone in front of a bus before him. He was the reason we broke up! Like how dare you tell her that!

“I got mad at you for no reason. That wasn’t your fault, but I blamed you. I never wanted to look at you again.” She continues.

I forgave her, because I tried to understand the situation she was in. I always helped clean up her mess. It was my job now.

So now you’re probably thinking “girl why did you even let her go back to her apartment with this pig?!” Well, let me tell you, she didn’t have anywhere to go. She called her mom and told her about her living situation and her mom told her she didn’t have any more room for her own child. I wanted to let her stay with me, but my parents couldn’t take her and her two cats in. It was a mess. So, I thought that what I was doing was good.

After we were done unpacking, we parted ways. She kept me updated all night and I told her that she can come over anytime if she needs to. She told me that everything was fine, they talked it out and I felt happy with my work.

Then I was ghosted again. This time three weeks. I hated her now, I wished nothing but the worst. Like how stupid you must be to fall for someone repeatedly. I was so blinded by the toxic love she gave.

I gave up on our friendship, deleted everything from my mind about her. She was nothing to me anymore. I started forgetting about her, I went on like nothing ever happened. Those three weeks went by and you’ll never guess what happened.

My doorbell rings on a Sunday morning. It’s her mom. And then I see the girl that ghosted coming up the stairs behind her.

I open the door, “Hi.” I say confused.

“Hey love, I know it’s been awhile. I need tell you something and I didn’t think you deserved a phone call.” Her mother says, so I let them in and she continues on.

Her mother tells me that her daughter has been in an accident at work. Telling me that she hit her head so hard that she fell into a small coma and lost all her memories up until she was nine years old. She told me that she forgets how to talk, act, and she has constant seizures every day.

She tells me this while I am starring right at my old friend. My eyes don’t leave her, we don’t break the eye contact.

The reason why she has been M.I.A for the last three weeks was because she was figuring out how to walk and talk again at the hospital. While I was sitting at home deleting all our pictures and hating her.

Her mother told me that she only remembered me, she remembered my name. She told me that she didn’t stop talking about our memories at our private school three years ago. She didn’t remember anything after that, she didn’t know that she had a boyfriend, she didn’t know she had two cats. But she knew me, she remembered me and our kiss.

When they were about to leave, my queen grabs my hand and hands me a box.

“I made this for you.” She says in her nine-year-old voice. I take it and give her a hug thanking her. It was an earring set and a bracelet she made. With beautiful green beads and had tiny little beautiful elephants.

“I remembered that was your favorite animal.” She tells me as I hold my tears back. I give her a smile and another hug and say goodbye.

I closed the door behind me and break into a weeping cry.

[literateape]

Couplea Jerk Poets: In Conversation with Nic Souder

by Dana Jerman

So, there you are, out in the world. Looking at things and making stuff and doing stuff and working and thinking and by thinking considering a notion that there are people out there whom you would love to meet, whom it would change your life to meet, whom you will never ever meet. People who are out in the world, looking at things and making stuff and doing and working and thinking...

And in the best case, this thought reminds us that we're not alone. That good art, or at least fun and often therapeutic art, is being made. And that art doesn't happen in a vacuum. And that maybe if we're lucky, we can celebrate some of these folx we have had the good fortune of meeting, who possess a lens for making art and collating thoughts that leave us awestruck.

Chicago native Nic Souder is one of those people for me. A podcaster, a poet, poetry show host, visual artist and acquaintance (not at all in that order). One whom I admire because he manages to use his darker experiences and the everyday to lace everything he touches with a kind of mad hipster magic. 

He was gracious enough to let me steal him away after work for a few beers and a long chat, heavily abridged and presented here in celebration with National Poetry Month, about process and other creative curiosities…

-

NS: (After talking about the soundtrack to the movie "Akira") I read the manga this past summer. 1, 2 and 3 in one sitting. Then 4, 5 and 6 in one sitting. I was obsessed.  I cried when it was over. Just because there was nothing else to read. It's that good. I have a new long-term-life-goal for the next 20 years to adapt the manga into a live action three-part film. I need Netflix to give me a billion dollars.

DJ: Is there any specific work of your own you'd adapt to manga?

Huh. Well it would probably be something from my collection Kill My Idols. One about Kim Gordon being dead. There's a lot. It's like a 3-act narrative. Something like that.

So say a little bit about Kill Yr Idols the live show.

Started five apartments ago. Twenty... twelve? Having a goodbye reading for my friend Jes who was moving to NYC. We wound up having two of them. At one I read a piece that I didn't finish, because that's a thing I always do. Never goes well, but... Then we did another one right away. It moved over to Cole's Bar and then we were in the Reader as one of the suggested things to do. We did a flip-show where it was a bunch of musicians and one poet at Gallery Cabaret. Slaying or roasting Iggy Pop or Kim Deal or whomever as a theme. Now after a long hiatus it's at Bucket of Blood Books in the weird back room. I overbook because a lot of jerks cancel or don't show up. "A variety show featuring poetry, music, comedy, and conspiracy theories."

You had a photography show last year, how'd that go?

Disasterously. I actually really liked the prints I made. I haven't done a photo show in a decade. But nobody bought anything, and I needed to sell one to make some money back. I went overboard and made too many prints which is another thing I always do. Going back to re-crop and reprint. I would always stay too late at the photo lab in college and they would have to kick me out of it. Anyway I also didn't eat before the show and immediately started drinking. Work sucked. Whatever. But they hung up the big stuff and what they didn't hang I went in the back and wrapped up in my coat and took off. The show was supposed to be up for a month but a week later I texted the gallery curator I was coming to pick up my shit. Over it. I'll still sell them though. They'll become gifts. Eleven by fourteen and quality.

Would you consider yourself to be an "analog" guy? Like, when you write, do you start on paper?

More or less. Well, I start with notes on my phone until I get stuck. Then re-write what I already wrote and hope I get going again. What I used to do a lot, because I feel like a lot of my poems need to be read out loud, I would write them out loud. Kind of as performance pieces. I'd get stoned in the middle of the day and start walking around the house and sort-of just keep different pieces of paper in different places and cycle through those, then bring them together at the end. 

That's genius! I've never tried that. Strategic stations.

Yeah, those are my favorite ones. Pieces that are meant to be performed for people. Wandering around and timing it out as I went along. But then, my editing process is so stupid. I hate it. It's like newspaper journalism editing of poetry. How do you get this many words to fit into this many breaths. How do you get this point across using only this set of words. How do you make this a headline. And it comes from schooling, journalism. Even in a text message I won't allow myself to have two contracted words in a sentence.

Oh yeah, rules after a while are meant to be undone. Don called me out on my routine phonetic spelling of "thourally" and "thru", and he's correct, but I like the way they look.

I like that. I like that a lot. I use "yr" all the time for "your" then one day I tried "y're" for "you're" and said, fuck that, that looks awful. 

Composition is kind of funny right? Things have to sound good and look good. 

It has to be both. It sucks to have poems that you really like but sound like shit and you'll never read them out. I spent a lot of time on a few of them. The whole idea at that point is to finish them. But out loud feels like my tongue is too big for my mouth. They just don't sound natural. Rhythm is huge. Which is funny because when I do a reading it's always something unfinished. Just so I can hear how it sounds out loud. Touring on my new shit. Five years of Kill Yr Idols I think I've saved two pieces.

Oh sure. There's always a handful of works that will forever remain 99.99999% finished. There's always a word or two that could switch back the other way. Not the same necessarily as the struggle to actually finish something...

Yeah, I either finish or get to the point where it's unsalvageable. I do this a lot. Throw out the whole thing except for one or two lines I like, and just carry those around for years until they finally slide into place. I've got a series I've been working on for five years. "Stoner Review of ___." Reviews of movies that aren't about the movie. When I go back to smoking it'll come back with a bullet. I go back and work on it every once in a while. The beginning and the end are fixed. It's hard to edit because it's so topical. Now wherever I am editing is at some point in the middle. I haven't been back to it in a year. "The words shot out of her mouth like an accidental fart popped out of a slapped ass." That's the line at the end. Eventually I'll finish it and read it once at that'll be it. (Laughs) They're super long, but right now I've got less then ten unfinished pieces, but if I finished them I wouldn't know what to do with my life. Which is a strategy I've also applied to reading. Sometimes I'll get to the last ten pages and never pick it back up again. Ambiguity is the best thing ever.

What? Ha! Seriously? I could never do that. Wild. Well another question I had for you: is there a habit or a physical manifestation that mirrors writing for you? Or that aids concentration? 

Like during the process? I clean. Do dishes. Sweep. Laundry. I used to do this when I had panic attacks when I was younger. Cleaning the house helped me calm down. Now I'll clean my room and have a few beverages. After work I'll go to my local gas station. Get a coffee for the next day. A Topo Chico and a Gatorade. Topo Chico never lasts into the next day. I should have a sponsorship. Making lists too. When I make lists I do things. The worst habit I probably have in general is Lyft. I've been trying to get better, but I'm never on time anywhere ever.

When did you start writing?

The pretentious answer is six. The honest answer is sixteen or seventeen. Six because that's when I saw Tim Burton's Batman in the theater, first movie on the big screen, and wanted to start making movies. Worked on some films when I was younger. Was in a scene in one where I was supposed to get pissed 'cuz a girl threw a rock at my face but we had to retake because I was actually really into it. I've downloaded some scripts and written some scripts, but haven't taken any screenwriting courses. But I wanna shoot 'em. Wrote a script for my friend Erin Rose, who hates everything that we watch and doesn't use computers, and her brother Bob who loves getting wasted. We've got a really bad podcast together called Erin Rose's Never Seen It. They're on iTunes and I made a dumb Squarespace website for it. But really I just want to nerd out and not care. I have a short attention span and want to make homage. I feel comfortable with dialogue and have lots of ideas, just no real discipline. Easily distracted.

Oh lordy. Nice. That's fair. Ooo, before I forget tell me about Hobo Slumber Party and other new self-publishing endeavors.

I don't know how long it's going to be. More than seven pieces probably. Five act structure per poem. Maybe a line or two as an act. Somebody asked me once to describe my poetry and I said "it's pop music". There'll be one called "Roll Call". An alphabetical alliteration in the middle of which is a palindrome in iambic pantameter. It doesn't work yet, but when it does it'll be great! That's the thing! It's all form, then function comes later. I'd say body of writing as a whole is like a staircase. But be careful because parts of the railing have worn away and there's no board on the third step.

[survivorandalucia]

“Well Stone boy, let the games commence.”- Amanda

Too busy socializing and not sounding bad for once to make a long one but FUCKKKKK!

Welp.... there goes my plan, both of the people i could control the votes of are gone.

Jenna thought she could get me out? Ahaha, you're gonna have to try a little harder than THAT. Took me all of two hours to get an eight vote majority against you girl, maybe next time try and target somebody you can actually vote out. Catch ya later, little miss last place.

OMG BYE JENNA! You little snake ass bitch!! *booty drop* im so happy that snake is gone! BUT NOW A TRIBE SWAP OMFG! Already this game is so crazy! Amanda is safe so bless! Im gonna bring my social game in today and try to talk to the vets and then tmw for only a little bit I don't wanna be seen as a big social threat yet or overplay anything! I made an alliance with everyone that is left an good thing i was in an alliance with all of them! But the fact that i have previously made a doc with all the info from the past players should help my tribe out! Chris stoner is a big threat he won a season and got second out! I want him out but only if somone else brings up his name! I'm so anxious now oh my lordy!

I survived first tribal with no votes and I'm so excited. Though now we are switching tribes are im a little worried because I was in a good position and now I don't know where I stand

OKAY SO I made an alliance with Jacob Payton and Toph and we were ready to slay the game and stuff and then we have a tribe swap which meant we lost Jacob but we decided to do a newbies alliance so that's cute 

Payton is cute and it distracts me that is all

I am kinda alining myself with Madison just cause she won the thing at first and i think she's cute and i feel like that's gonna bite me in the butt. She's also though the only one i even remotely trust though atm.

So we swapped and there's some good things about this tribe, thankfully. They've got an inactive, and I screamed for joy when I saw that. The fans want Willa gone, we want Willa gone, so when it comes down to numbers the fans will be scrambling and that puts me in a neato position to work with either the newbs or the veterans, and I love that gig. As for the newbies, I'm really liking Toph, Payt, & Amanda so far. I haven't talked too much with Madison off-call but Amanda and I sent memes and did some good ol' Game of Thrones chatter, Toph is a fellow atheist (which there's less of us than I'd like rip) and Payt rocks his dino onesie and seems like a fun fella. But as for the returnees, I can't say I'm fond of many of 'em. I've barely spoken with LA and Jordan M., but I do like Adrian & Chris. Hopefully I'm on decent footing here, I just gotta stay chatty and stay sunny. I'm not going anywhere, bet on that.

JENNA WAS ROBBED also me socio-strategic icon not getting any votes except for the one i gave myself B) jk i was afk all day whoops, but this game is crazy already yikes cant wait to flop <3

The returners are some shady motherfuckers, like seriously the first fucking challenge they backstab us, like i trust that madison didn't and i'm pretty sure jordan lied to us and maybe poteet knows.

Surprise!

Tribal again, rip. I'm a little worried this round.

So, I planted the seed into the newbies alliance chat that we should get Chris out as soon as we can. I saw his games, he's a comp beast and has made FTC both times he's played. I feel like he's going to become a huge threat in the game if we don't take him out soon enough. I also feel really insecure with my newbies alliance, they haven't done anything shady, I just have a bad feeling. Thankfully, I can't get voted out this time! I love Jenna for giving me immunity. Payton wants Jordan out, but I kind of like him. He has been acting shady, but I think now is the best time to get Stone boy out. I don't think anyone will wind up listening to me, though. I told Poteet I'm debating between getting a threat out or someone annoying or someone shady and he was like "Well the other tribe isn't bad at challenges so I think we should stay strong for now." I get where he's coming from, but I have a feeling that Chris will be impossible to get out once merge hits. I'm having a (bean) dilemma right now and I just don't want to put a target on my back for mentioning Chris to any returnees. Payton told me he made an alliance with Poteet (and I think LA) and he told them to get Jordan out, so I guess we have to get him out now unless something (hopefully) changes. I'm happy though, I can remain a bit calm because in the end, I do have immunity. If something happens though and one of the newbies goes home, we're all royally fucked.

Omg we won immunity. It was close but we did it. Aah I'm just trying to make it a day at a time I personally didn't know what the heck I was doing during the challenge Out of all the vets, I have a pretty good relationship with Daniel And I have a good relationship with the newbies So hopefully I have a really good social game going

So, winning that challenge was AMAZING! I led Malaga to a big fat W, and I've made a group of friends doing it. I had a rocky start to this game, but I ain't going any where for a while yet, so I guess y'all are stuck with me.

guess who has no fucking clue what's happening? it's me it's been a busy couple days and my cat died and i died inside and there is this org going on that i'm probably losing and there are new people and old people who probably know each other and there's a shea and an angry tomato in our tribe chat for some reason i'm actually so confused about life i think there was a challenge

Hiiiii! Your fave floppy fan from the last FvF is here and is ready for his second shot at the virtual million bucks! I love everyone here, from the hosts to the people that actively tried to talk to me: Jordan Pines, Rhone, Poteet, Jake and Jordan M! But we're not on the island coming off the boats or whatever, and these twisted hosts say that we have to vote someone off from both tribes?!?! Also, noting the fact right now that I was completely oblivious that there were 22 people to begin with and not 20 AJNAJSND I HAVE BEEN A MESS SINCE THIS GAME STARTED AND I HATE IT ALREADY! So, I have been somewhat inactive in the first 24 hours of this game. Half of the returnee tribe has not responded to my add request, and I have only been talking to Jake, Rhone and Poteet a whole lot. Both Jordans are chill, but Pines is acting all fucking smug ever since it was announced that he found that immunity? Okay chill. We get that you're immune for the first tribal of the season, but most of this community knows your reputation of being a dick and asswipe, and I wasn't apart of that mindset until you demonstrated it with our short 15 minute talk. I pray we lose this first challenge so I can take you out. Day 2 and WHEWWWWW ALREADY A TRIBE SWAP? Amazing. Just amazing. Also there is a thing called "Trials of Terror" this season? But like, where is the trials part of this twist.... and how is it terrorizing? All we have for premergers is for them to hand immunity to some unsuspecting flop from either tribe, only for them to advance to the next round of gameplay? Again, terrorizing? No. Good idea to be buddy-buddy with the person who's name you are writing down tonight? ABSOLUTELY!

So this round is a god damn mess. Payton really is trying my patience right now. First you want me and poteet to target each other. Now you want to target me. Oh hunny no you gotta try harder than that. The best part is poteet helped me in the challenge to try and get the advantage so that was his first mistake. Also Madison I see you leaking information. That's noted and wont be forgotten. I'm so ready to get votes at every tribal I attend honestly. Shower me in votes daddy.

It is Day 4? Idk I lost count already that's so sad :( But, my new tribe lost the challenge and I'm not even too worried. The newbies are like digging their selves into a ditch and I'm just sitting back and watching the show unfold. Willa is an inactive mess. Thank god I got to see how he played in Athena ORG, cause then I would know to keep him on a leash. Amanda and Toph are like the only cool ones I had the pleasure of talking too. Madison is something. Girl, I personally think is oblivious to the fact that we swapped tribes and did not add me back until the challenge results went up, and there is Payton. Sweet lovable Payton. Dude you're  a mess, and you already fucked up saying that you have an alliance with someone by posting in the tribe chat "but don't tell anyone we're an F2"..... Typical newbies. Its hilarious to watch honestly. Literally, how people are like offering me these alliances offers is truly baffling. Because I am really at most a 6 on the activity scale at this point, and with us attending tribal tonight, they're really looking and scoping for a vote that they can use huh? But alright, I'll play dumb and go along with your plans. Just don't be shocked when its you tonight that goes home!

So after we lost immunity I started talking to Jordan who said that Payton kept beans for himself during the challenge so of course I immediately told Payton so then we got the anti Jordan train rolling BUT WAIT now Jordan wants to work with our newbie alliance so idk how I got out of this bean mess unscathed nobody even blamed for it which offends me deeply and I would just like to say that Jordan Means rhymes with beans so he was the one that held out that is all

I'm not agreeing with Amanda or Payton so that nobody can use my words against me but now everyone is turning against Payton who I trust so very much so I feel really torn about the vote and Ahhhh

Looks like I'm the only newbie here that grew a pair of balls today. Jordan told me that he knows Petra and I was like "Oh shit, I have to flip this vote on my own!" So, I suggested it to the newbies alliance. Turns out, I was right for having a bad feeling about them. Payton goes to Chris and tells him that I'm throwing his name out there. This little hoe is really testing my patience huh??? I rallied up myself, Jordan, Madison, Toph, Adrian, and Willa to get Chris out. Things should go smoothly because I highly doubt he has an idol. I heard that people were also trying to get Payton out, but I brought up the point that if Payton goes he will give Chris immunity. I thoroughly believe Chris is a very smart person so I think he would throw immunity just so he can take out one of our numbers, which could wind up being me. Also, this is how I know Payton is out to get me. [3:15:32 PM] Chris "Fabio" Stoner: hmm [3:15:37 PM] Chris "Fabio" Stoner: just be careful [3:15:58 PM] Chris "Fabio" Stoner: watch your back [3:16:20 PM] Amanda Sledge: okay then [3:16:23 PM] Chris "Fabio" Stoner: look [3:16:25 PM] Chris "Fabio" Stoner: dont be fake [3:16:28 PM] Chris "Fabio" Stoner: dont come at me w that fake shit [3:16:29 PM] Chris "Fabio" Stoner: ill get u out [3:16:33 PM] Chris "Fabio" Stoner: easily [3:16:35 PM] Chris "Fabio" Stoner: trust me [3:16:38 PM] Chris "Fabio" Stoner: im not some fool [3:16:46 PM] Amanda Sledge: okay [3:17:35 PM] Chris "Fabio" Stoner: just done be fake thats all [3:17:38 PM] Chris "Fabio" Stoner: otherwise im a great guy! [3:17:43 PM] Amanda Sledge: aight lol [3:17:45 PM] Chris "Fabio" Stoner: if u wanna come after me have some balls [3:17:48 PM] Chris "Fabio" Stoner: say yo ur a threat [3:17:50 PM] Chris "Fabio" Stoner: boom game done lets go versus [3:17:56 PM] Amanda Sledge: aight then [3:18:00 PM] Amanda Sledge: game on pal [3:18:09 PM] Chris "Fabio" Stoner: this is where the fun begins [3:18:11 PM] Chris "Fabio" Stoner: gluck [3:18:16 PM] Amanda Sledge: thank you [3:18:20 PM] Amanda Sledge: good luck to you as well [3:18:34 PM] Chris "Fabio" Stoner: ur safe tonight [3:18:42 PM] Chris "Fabio" Stoner: but not next round [3:18:46 PM] Amanda Sledge: yep Well Stone boy, let the games commence.

God, I've been torn all day, but I decided to vote Payton out. Chris gave me a really good case, and I decided to listen to it. Let's hope that it will benefit me in the game! Fingers crossed. [5:24:29 PM] Chris "Fabio" Stoner: well this is my pitch to you in regards to not voting me [5:24:33 PM] Chris "Fabio" Stoner: I am loyal to those who help me [5:24:43 PM] Chris "Fabio" Stoner: you came after me in a good attempt but without getting to know me [5:24:51 PM] Amanda Sledge: fair point [5:24:54 PM] Chris "Fabio" Stoner: i don't judge that or hold it against you, I expected it coming into the game [5:25:08 PM] Amanda Sledge: my messages are gonna send later my wifi sucks sorry [5:25:10 PM] Chris "Fabio" Stoner: im pretty loyal, I'm good at comps. i am the only winner in this game so there will be plenty of time to get me out [5:25:12 PM] Chris "Fabio" Stoner: no worries youre good [5:25:18 PM] Chris "Fabio" Stoner: no one will let me win twice [5:25:29 PM] Chris "Fabio" Stoner: let alone make finals again [5:25:36 PM] Chris "Fabio" Stoner: i got luky a second time cause i had 2 very very close friends who i knew for 6 years [5:25:46 PM] Chris "Fabio" Stoner: this time im alone with a big red target on my back [5:26:31 PM] Chris "Fabio" Stoner: thats the jist. im loyal to those who help me. my allies make it to the end with me. I'm strong in comps and I will always have a big target [5:26:37 PM] Chris "Fabio" Stoner: this big move of yours will paint a target on your back [5:26:48 PM] Chris "Fabio" Stoner: and i think it benefits you to have me in the game to keep that target me and you in the shadows

After tonight Imma just shut up for a while XD

Dora the explorer becoming my best friend? more likely then you think