#the primary concern that kept me from suicide for years wasn't a hope for the future or a desire to live
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#I feel so alone and unable to connect with anyone#I have to fight so so hard not to isolate myself but all I can ever really drag out of myself is just lurking at the sidelines#terrified that saying anything (and thereby proving how annoying and shitty I am) will make even that too much to ask of others to tolerate#and the moment anyone tries to reach out to me or comfort me all I can stand to do is put on a mask and redirect and assure them I'm fine#so that I can go crawl into a hole and die alone#or at least lick my wounds til they become scars#the primary concern that kept me from suicide for years wasn't a hope for the future or a desire to live#it was not wanting to upset whoever found me and make more work for whoever had to deal with the wreckage of my failed life#even in death I feel bad for taking up space and being a bother#If I had managed to find a nice place that nobody would ever find I think I'd still be there#the moss and roots cradling moldering bones after my flesh had fed lives far brighter and more worthy than my own#and I can't help but feel a little envious#corpseposting
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