#the shit i've repressed is unreal

[drdemonprince]

reading American Psycho for the first time because I loved the musical so dang much (having watched the Chicago, Broadway, and West End versions, and left comments about it on Duncan Sheik's instagram, he only has 10k followers so I hope he Notices me) and... it really is so funny. How silly BEE denies that he wrote Bateman to be gay. This man is the most Autistic gay man ever committed to paper. Full gayness and autism as narcissism swag. When I first saw the film I horrified my straight boyfriend of the time by telling him I kinda related to Bateman in some ways but now that I've seen an actual gay man funnel all the intensity of queer repression into the role on stage (great work Kyle Patrick of Kokandy Productions) and read much of the book, it's unreal how autism swag gay swag no empathy swag this shit is. its also all so goddamned POINTLESS and silly. its amazing something so nihilistic and goofy became such a success as movie.

[avelera]

Had a kind of interesting realization while working on the next chapter of Giving Sanctuary of how supernatural Hob actually is.

When juxtaposed with Dream, he comes cross as a normal human, but by 1689, the man is over 300 years old. That's roughly 3-6 human lifetimes at least (and on the longer end of the scale!). I can't even imagine having 3-6 whole human lifetimes to learn and grow as a person.

I had a moment when he was being philosophical about grief or insightful about Dream's inner torment--ie, realizing things like, "holy shit Dream you are so clinically depressed and from such an abusive upbringing it is unreal, and it makes all your buttoned up repression and strict adherence to The Rules make so much sense even to a man who grew up in the Middle Ages"--and I had a moment of like, "Am I making Hob too wise here?"

But then I thought about it and, here's the thing, I do believe Hob can have huge blindspots (like the "shipping" business) and not be a person who naturally tries to get ahead of the world on morality, he's pretty in lock step with the mainstream, male, middle class person of his time and place. But the man has been a father. He has certainly had many lovers and friends.

So giving him 3-6 lifetimes of insight into, say, taking one look at Dream and thinking, holy shit, this man is deeply depressed and in need of someone to help him break out of a self-destructive spiral, and it's very likely he had shit parents and a chaotic home life that led to coping mechanisms that made him functional but not healthy - like the aforementioned strict adherence to "the rules" and not realizing that his pain and grief had made him self-centered as a simple survival mechanism.

And Hob, because I headcanon him as experiencing a lot of grief from losing loved ones (like, literally all of them) but having had a fairly loving upbringing and again, the emotional intelligence of someone who has raised a son to adulthood and been part of society for 3-6 human lifetimes, can in fact spot these things and I think can in fact be pretty wise in ways Dream kind of isn't as far as diagnosing Dream's damage and maybe having actual solutions for it, and the only reason this doesn't happen more in canon is because Dream doesn't tell Hob anything and the one time Hob correctly diagnoses just how miserable and lonely Dream is, Dream flies off in a rage so again, canon evidence that Hob is emotionally not a dummy, and might in fact be incredibly wise as literally an ancient supernatural being that would be the most magical person anyone would ever meet if he wasn't in the same room with Dream of the Endless.

So anyway, expect more penetrating insight from Hob with regards to the "opposite of a suicide pact" he and Dream made with each other in Ch. 4 (we're going to live and be happy, dammit!) because I've put a lot of thought now into "Am I making Hob too emotionally intelligent here given his background and canon appearances?" and determined that, no, actually. In fact, someone who has lived 3-6 full human lifetimes by this point has every right to be more emotionally intelligent than "the entire human subconscious in a trenchcoat" if "the entire human subconscious in a trenchcoat" has been in a clinical depression coma for 3,000 years or more, ffs.

[roguetelepaths]

sparrow roguetelepaths — ey/em or they/them - read my DS9 postcanon fic where Odo adopts a Vorta daughter

used to be enbygesserit, follows from helplessnessxblues

old enough to remember when neopets breakfast cereal was a thing (21+ adult)

aroace to a terrifying degree. not the cool kind that writes smut and passes out water bottles at the orgy, either. sorry

no gender we die like [tv static]

psychospiritually nonhuman, but I don't talk about it here — DM me if you want to know where I do

vaguely anarchist & emphatically against all forms of punishment as foundations for interpersonal relationships

on bluesky! @justiceforlyta.bsky.social

psychiatric survivor and ex-patient. madpunk, psychpunk, neurodivergent in the original radical anti-pathologization meaning of the term. the social model isn't ableist you guys are just willfully misinterpreting it

on team "believe others about their subjective experiences". yes, this includes that subjective experience you're about to send me anon hate telling me is absolutely just kids roleplaying for attention.

my stance on proship/anti discourse can be summed up as "fiction may not literally be reality but it also can't be separated from the context of reality and it's good to foster an environment where that context can be openly talked about" and "freedom of fiction doesn't really exist without freedom of response" and "dislike and disgust are not indicators of morality but they also shouldn't be ignored or repressed, especially since they can teach you useful things about yourself" and "criticize ideas and works, not people" — some people call this neutralship but I've been known to describe myself as a pro-disliker or a pro-critic.

I don't tag unreality. if you need a blanket unreality tag this blog will probably be a bit of a minefield for you. a lot of things that are very real to me, including personal spiritual experiences, have been coercively defined as unreality for me without my consent, and I have a deeply negative association with the term. I will, however, do my best to tag specific things under the unreality umbrella (the goncharov meme, for example, which I tagged as #gonchposting at its height) with their own tags upon request.

fandoms you can expect to see (I care about themes and analysis over shipping, and when I do ship, it's always an extension of the themes I want to explore, so be prepared for me to be a pretentious piece of shit about all of these):

DS9 (especially the Dominion)

Babylon 5 (mostly telepaths but not exclusively. NOT a psi corps apologist in any way, just a season 5 telepath commune arc liker, which is almost as bad to some)

Team StarKid/Hatchetfield

Dune

Severance

The Hunger Games & The Ballad of Songbirds and Snakes

Percy Jackson/Riordanverse

non-media interests (may or may not post about these, honestly, it's anyone's guess, but feel free to tag me in these):

fucked up unethical social experiments, the more fucked up and pseudoscientific the better

relationship anarchy

aroace shit

community building

apartment solarpunk

the history/culture of Scouting and related youth organizations

[lunesprite]

GiTM Characters - as Tom Cardy Songs

A Good Enough Tm List.

Hello and welcome to a very silly list I decided to make this morning. It is now a full 12 hours later and my vision must be shared. 

Tom Cardy is fantastic, and even without this silly list, I do think y'all should check him out! But keep in mind, a lot of these songs are suggestive/NSFW for various reasons, so maybe put in some headphones first. 

Also, I make these silly suggestions, every single one of them, out of immense love for these characters, so if one seems mean… I am ragging on them. I am pulling on their rays in the playground or whatever. 

I love each and every one of them, scouts honor. And with that out of the way….

Wonderful @/venomous-qwille's Ghost in the Machine Cast - specifically as Tom Cardy songs only.

Part 1: I Will Not Be Taking Feedback I Am Correct: 

Clip.exe: Red Flags

I love Clip.exe so so much it is unreal. He's a freak /endlessly affectionate. If i am feeling particularly silly with him, then i can offer a second for young, baby Clip: Monster Truck. Either way, I am kissing him.

Sanii: Hot Shit

He is. I would pay an inconceivable amount of money to see this. I want to see him performing this in a silly glittering red jacket to try and cheer Misuta up.

Nova: The Ballad of Smokin' Joe Rudeboy

This beautiful, perfect man. Important context: Fool is singing it, narrating our wonderful tale, and Nova is performing his ass off and having a blast. He is wearing a cowboy hat and yes, one of his rays is sticking through it. I love Nova. I am kissing him right on his face.

Noon: Artificial Intelligence

He would sing this song and you wouldn't even need to ask him to.

y/n: Repress it!

Look at that, we get a song too. :) Almost forgot to, tbh.

Part 2: I Got My Reasons:

Soleil: Read Between the Lines

Can I picture him singing it? No. I will not pretend. There are certain lines, however, I absolutely can. He very nearly falls into the 'Didn't Wanna Leave Anybody Out' category, but I just. I needed to manifest this.

Fool: Perception Check

You know, I don't think I need to explain this one.

Sunspot: My Secret Shame

Oh darling Spot, it might very well be there's another song that fits you better, but imagining this one, which is so sweet and harmless but absolutely on point for something that WOULD be his shame, made me almost break down laughing at work.

Misuta: All the Stupid Things I've Ever Done

:)

Sandman: Level Clear!

Sandy is kind of riding the line between this category and the next, but like. I give him this one because I cannot wait to see what this little man has going on, and I really wonder what his life has been like! I just know there's trauma under that hat.

Harvest: About 8 hours

There was another song here but this was a late suggestion that I realized was simply. Too correct.

Part 3: I Didn't Wanna Leave Anybody Out and By This Point I Was Invested And Too Proud to Back Down (I Will Take Cardy Suggestions Here):

This section is particularly silly. 

Ruin: Love Language

The angle. I confess: I forGOT them. I am a fake fan. But I come with a secondary song for Ruin.

Call your Mother (just links now because there is a 10 video limit woopsie): https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AV5HKWRMyAY

Profanity aside - and the funniness of imagining Influencer Ruin - I think this is about as accurate as this section gets.

Part 4: JK i backed down instantly

Sunflower & Sombra

I had to admit defeat with these two. I don't think there is one by Tom Cardy that fits Sunflower, but I know so little about her I... As for Sombra, I did have a joke one but later (right now) accepted I also know very little about him. I toss in my hat on these two, I have done my best. 😔

I also debated an extra song for Nova - and a particularly silly one for Sol - but I thought I should cut myself off before I lost myself completely in the sauce. I suppose it works out, since I ran out of video embeds (oops).

Thank you for attending this uh. Post? Yes.

[incarnateirony]

I hate when updating myself comes in a nice relaxing zone like the shower. Just minding my business, hot wet and naked, scrubbing my shit when it hit me.

"If Steven was hurt during this, this marks the second time, 11 years apart, that she collaborated with friends to pretend to be doing well, but ultimately attacked the psyche and mental body of a Hermes Man."

Cuz they didn't realize it but, he was going through what I was going through, about 11 years ago, when she attacked me then. He was saying very similar things to what "Oron", the Bird that didn't know how to spell his name, was saying, when she and hers went out of their way to try to shatter my chakras in self declared righteousness based WHOLLY on lack of understanding, even then. I forgave her for that, but like.

"I've never been outside before." "I like it here." "What are streets like, really." And so on. What is that? That's a repressed shadow of an unrealized ego and whole self I was trying to pull out from under his shattered psyche that had him deranged babbling and was trying to put him back together, and the bitch fucked up and attacked a Hermes Man during the exact same life advent AGAIN. Just like she fucked up my life reboot in portland, just like she's betrayed and been forgiven again and again, but these two things are so distinctly similar and so tied to the solar cycle that I came to a conclusion.

Bitch has always been fake. She's always been his enemy. And she's his enemy because he refuses to let her cage him, no matter how hard she tries, no matter how many people she sends after him, no matter how many cults she can build, she refuses to understand why she cannot find or keep him, even when he uses very tiny words to explain it to her, because then she turns and runs away and drives in reverse.

But no these bitches and their fandom drama convoluted into LARP channeling excuses for stalking decided to fuck around for their own personal agendas and it might have a high cost. And if it does, that blood is on your hands, just like all of these other mistakes and sins are.

I tried to sort of ping back, but that form of updating an adjacent doesn't really work the same as updating a prior, it's more reunification than a constant line, so I will LITERALLY have to remove my hat and peace out to go check on this man if he doesn't say shit in a few days. The lowkey vibe I'm getting is "institutionalized" but I wholly hold that may be my current perspective projecting a hopeful option out of this from my job, and unlike some people, I check on that before acting on it.

[katherine-mcnamara-archive]

there's nothing wrong with making connections through other characters though? i swear the rpc is full of babies who just want their character to be special and loved and popular.

No nope nada we’re not doing this. 

When you, as a person, look at a female character and want to plot that your two have a connection/know each other, not because you like HER but because she’s friends/related to/connected to/dating, a male character that you want to jump on. that’s just shitty. 

and lets be real it is only really plotting a connection, y’all would never thread with the girl y’all are using to jump on some e-dick you like the look of. you don’t even properly read the dude’s bio lmao half the time you can’t even spell the dude’s name right. 

Do you really want to get into this ok.

How many times have you done this to men? been like you know what I’m going to plot a connection here and then ignore them and their player just so I can get close to this female they’re dating/friends with? YEAH ZERO EXACTLY.

Female characters are only of use to the rpc when they serve a purpose of jump starting y’all with a male you like. 

While we’re on that if y’all don’t stop ignoring trans men and women and aro/ace men and women and nb people too i will come out of your mirrors and choke you!

You all condemn female characters enough for things you praise men for.

You want examples? okay here’s two from RECENT personal experience. people can feel free to add on.

Sofie: (mexican lebanese - bisexual) bounty hunter has a wide range of contacts want ad for a found family type of deal she’s extremely perceptive personable,has a good humour, extremely loving to people she’s close to, family orientated, protective. other traits etc. snake mom. we’re a powers site (she has animal communication as a power) and she loves her two venomous snakes she calls her daughters more than anything, she’s protective of her, they are of her.  human rights activist animal rights activist teaches self defence in her spare time. she’s happy, she’s confident, she loves herself.

Just from that brief description, you’d think she’d have an easy time plotting? she would if she was a man. I get four reactions to Sofie and y’all know whats coming.

1. straight up ignored / ”i’m not racist but her attitude makes me uncomfortable” 2. asked for threads just to “put her in her place/knock her down a few pegs.” (male rpers only reaction to her so far) 3. people just assume she’s easy and dtf any time and oversexualise tf out of her and it makes me extremely uncomfortable.  4. they use her to try to get to my best friends male character and ignore me any time i try to plot these “friends”. 

Cassia: (white - bisexual) hacker she’s extremely smart, has a genius level iq she’s dealing with ptsd and anxiety shes in recovery for being an alcoholic from a traumatic experience she was abused when she was younger so she has low trust in men. preferring women’s company. she’s a genuinely nice person, she’s quiet, she shows her affection because she’s bad with words. she’s protective of her friends, she’s even more protective of other women. she uses her powers (electrokinesis) and her hacking skills to hack into databases and help women/people in danger in general. she’s so damn loving when you get to know her. has an adopted son she raised and kept alive when she was in captivity. she’s funny, not to toot my own horn but her reaction to stress is humour. like people start arguing and she peaces out through the window and scales the drain pipe. she ain’t here for it. Again, prime to be a good friend/more/easy-ish to plot with right? HAH y’all wanna know the reactions I get to Cass? I’ve posted a few horror stories before. but here’s some points.

1. she’s terrified of guns/authority figures. first thread with a person and he goes OFF on her about his right to carry and then taunts her with it. player then OOC calls her a bitch and stuck up because she wasn’t instantly all over him/she was cold to him. 2. people assume she’s a bitch so often with the only evidence being that she has anxiety and is quiet around new people. 3. people try to put her in threads with alcohol because they think it’ll be fun to test her self control. nobody really takes it serious because it’s not drugs. so people use it as a joke. 4. trying to thread with females is a pain in my ass, like she’s specifically geared as more towards threading with them. but people are not interested at all.  5. the misogynistic comments towards her past are usually made by women rpers. 6. on the addiction topic, someone didn’t like that she was being friends with the man said female rper wanted her char with so on purpose left out alcohol beside her and then the player joked about it OOC.  7. people trying to knock her down a few pegs also. 8. or they try to befriend her/plot connections with her just to get to the one of the two men she knows. never any of the females.

another point for both of them is that people keep treating them like absolute shit, as if that would somehow prove to the men these rpers are after that these girls are connected to. that they are better than cass or sofie. and I just sit here like ????? i don’t know about anyone else but if someone was literally being gross to me, to try to impress my brother or a friend i know they would drop them like a hot potato so I have no idea why people think that’s a good idea in the rpc.

Also I know my friend Alyx, has way more worse stories and shit of what people have done to her females, not jsut to try to get to my males but just for daring to exist so like. choke anon.

[albatris]

hello logan i feel obliged from love to finally ask a burning question about jacob greer: how much therapy does he receive??

this question can be generalized to all atdao, ofc, but you know my feelings for jacob

hello!!!! how's it going?? :D :D

thank you so much for the question, I am literally always waiting to pounce on any opportunity to ramble about jacob ahahaha

so I think I've joked before on this blog about how a potential ATDAO sequel is just "jacob greer goes to therapy".......... there's enough content there for at least a whole 'nother book imo

but anyway anyway yes hmmmm, a good question, ok, alright

short answer....... none for 90% of his life so far, then a lot of it

long answer,

well, he was never in any therapy as a kid because his 'rents didn't really ""believe in"" it......... n like, there was a lot of pressure on jacob growing up to keep up this image of the perfect golden child, n samuel and shauna saw him more as a prized object to be paraded around to make them look good rather than a human person..... so this meant no straying outside the norm, n if you had any negative feelings or resentment or anxiety u better repress that shit RIGHT away

so the rhetoric surrounding mental illness for jacob was very much..... any symptoms you experience will be fixed if you just try harder! and the fact that his parents saw him succeeding at everything that was important to *them* and were like??? you can't possibly be unhappy?? what do you mean?? you're doing fantastic in life??

and unfortunately he internalised all that so he kinda just........ Dealt With Stuff on his own for most of his life because he just always assumed his experiences were Perfectly Normal and he didn't have it "bad enough" to warrant therapy

n like. jacob has absolutely no issue with other people getting therapy. he just thinks, oh, but that's DIFFERENT, they actually NEED it, their problems are real not like mine

as a side note samuel and shauna greer's only motivation for allowing tris and becca into therapy was because they were Difficult and Not Like Jacob, it was not done with the intent of being supportive or out of concern for their wellbeing, it was basically just "we are at our wits end trying to make you normal so maybe this will"

n even then tris only landed in therapy initially cuz he got himself hospitalised and they were like "ma'am psychosis is not caused by the devil your son needs to see a psychiatrist"

anyway. jacob!

so....... he thankfully gets a lot of therapy after the climax of the story is over and done with!! to begin with, it's mostly to try and handle the aftermath of the unreality and all its associated trauma. poor sweet boy's been through a LOT. like, yeah, of course the unreality was fucked up for tris too but jacob spent weeks there terrified and alone and convinced he was dead and in hell the whole time...... lots of fun! yeehaw

n even SANS all the unreality stuff that ensued, dude almost got crushed to death in a car accident which is. hm. a lot

he basically gets out of hospital post-unreality, goes home, and is like. ok. here we are. time to get back to regular life. huh. why is my vision clouding over. why am I hyperventilating. why does my chest feel like it's going to explode. I think I'm having a heart attack

various people around him are like "yeah fam that's a panic attack also you went through something super fucked up and traumatic you should probably do some therapy about it" and he's like "nah"

he has to get over this mental hurdle of how like..... him going to therapy wouldn't be "cheating" (whatever that means) and how you don't have to have a capital M capital I Mental Illness to go to therapy (although he has several)

n after some gentle coaxing from tris and some "dude I love you but you're a dumbass" he agrees to it

and it's great help for coping with post-unreality life! it also opens up the floodgates to 25+ years' worth of trauma that he didn't realise was trauma

so ya, it starts off as mostly centred around his experiences in the unreality and around [redacted other story content I can't reveal due to spoilers], but also opens the door to him finally starting to work through...... a looooot of other stuff

complicated feelings towards his shitty parents, self-worth issues, identity issues, obsessive perfectionism, the ever-present panic that people will abandon him the instant he's not useful, his tendency to land in awful relationships because he's incapable of setting boundaries and can't recognise red flags, the years of stress from trying to protect his siblings from the same treatment his parents gave him, and the usual Growing Up In A Literal Reality-Unraveling Apocalypse

I feel like that's kind of an oof note to end on but, like, he's...... absolutely heading in the right direction? he has a lot to untangle and a lot of work to do and it’s probably not something that’ll ever have a definite End Point, but as with all (story) endings in ATDAO it's kind of just like....... yeah, he's gonna be alright, he's got this

y'know

he does make it to a place in life where he gets some consistent peace and happiness and is surrounded by good people who love him very much

so to answer your question, lots of therapy, finally, at long last, thank god

in conclusion,

*gives jacob greer a gentle kiss on the forehead*