#the small secret love i have for y'all. the way i am filled with gratitude.

[inkskinned]

i got my isbn today for the book. 8 months to go. my mom and i were talking about what the next steps are. i was eating trail mix, standing on one foot, phone tucked into my ear.

"yeah," i said. "the problem is that tumblr as a market is like, not something that can be studied." there's this weird wave of nostalgia and affection for this place that came up over me: how lovely we avoid consumerism. okay, it sucks as a creator. but also? keep stickin' it to 'em.

my mother made the sound at the back of her throat that i also make, the one that means i've got an idea. "you should figure out some kind of reward for presale amounts. maybe you give out poems or a mug or a signed book or something. would your followers like that?" my mother is sweet, and kind, and i have no idea how to explain on this website you can buy someone crabs.

i put more m&ms down the hatch. i had to speak through peanuts and almonds. "if it passes 25 thousand i will print the book out in its entirety and eat it live on camera."

"oh god. no, you don't have to do that." she was anguished. "just tell them that you'd love them to read it, and that they've inspired you to write. you got started on that site, and they helped you keep going. raquel, you love these people. the community? you talk all the time about the other writers and artists and whatever else. tell them that you're hoping for their support, they'll come through."

"no," i assured her. i discovered i had dropped an m&m, but an ant had already found it, so it belonged to him now. i will let his little life have a surprise blue treasure in it, too. "i'm gonna fuckin' eat the book."

[kuekyuuq]

At this point, I see things regarding Supercorp this way...

(Mxaybe... in another universe... *sighs*)

My head-canon for the show:

Lena had a crush on Kara since day one and vice versa. She tried to deny it, deny herself the ‘luxury’ of personal attachment... but Kara was quite persistent, and cute, and sweet, and warm, and such a dork, and... yeah... Lena got confused when she developed similar feelings for Supergirl, and then her disagreements with Supergirl caused her to not-like her anymore, but still felt physically attracted to her - damnit. Since oblivious Kara did not respond properly to her flirts (and they both verbally friend-zoned each other), Lena resigned to gaze and long for her in secret, thinking Kara was straight. Neither her short and tragic re-encounter with Jack - an unresolved comfort from her own past - nor her sudden enemies-to-lovers thing with James (Kara's ex of all people) could quite quench her craving for Kara's closeness and warmth or her verbal tension-filled jab-throwing matches with Supergirl. After the reveal, Lena was more hurt over her 'friend' betraying her trust, keeping a secret from her (yes, that's a double-standard, Lena! ...girl's got deeply rooted issues) than 'Supergirl' using her alter-ego to take advantage of Lena (which, hands down, Kara actually did on some occasions - so, ironically that one would have been objectively valid, but, hey, feelz shape our perspectives). She went through her lashing-out phase, only to realize she can't live without Kara in her life. And really wants to do good. Yes, that too... ...and it only took her trying to brainwash the whole world (good intentions and the road to hell) and Lex back-stabbing her a couple of times, to see the light and join the good guys for good... to be more like Supergirl, in her own small way...? Y'all know what I mean ^_- She came crawling back, continues to try hard to prove herself worthy, longingly watching on every time Kara and Alex hug, desperate to keep her sunshine-impersonated in her life, whom she truly loves, despite how much she tried to convince herself she did not...

...

Meantime, Kara is an alien (yes, I bold that, bc, people tend to not think this through). From a totally different culture and all, having suffered great trauma and entering Earth's culture during her puberty/informative years. A Kryptonian who crushed for Humans (males - James, Adam - and apparently 4 other dudes she broke the noses of when kissing) and other aliens (Daxamite Mon-El) ...uh, and even couldn't stop herself admitting how she likes how nice Lucy (female Human) smells (the most prominent other time such a statement was made, was when everybody was swooning over Kal). Who only in her adulthood realized homosexuality was even a real option, outside of high-schoolers slurring at each other. (And I am not saying, Kara is gay, as in lesbian... she incidentally spoke true when she denied that in the pilot. Repeat after me: “Kara is an alien.” ..I’d call her pan, but am also aware, that the textbook definition doesn’t include ‘all species’... so.... there’s that.) Kara, who so desperately hard tried to fit in, she got absolutely used to others telling her what she's supposed to feel and think.

...who crushed hard for Lena at first sight (possibly, also star-struck). But both Clark and Alex, her most important people to look for help, guidance and reference, told her any Luthor was bad news.

There was Mon-El, whom she didn't even like, at first. When he lied told her he wasn't in love with her, she was utterly relieved. She was all “Oh, golly. That’s unexpected and awkward. What now?!” when he confessed to her, and tried (and failed) to let him down gently. (I am actually convinced, that Kara was more ego-hurt, that he moved on to Eve so quickly, and.. where she and James ended things once Lucy was out of the picture, Kara only started thinking/feeling differently about Mon-El when he was taken... just sayin’ I maybe spot a pattern there.) But, Alex told her, that she had a thing for Mon-El and that she should give him a shot... ...even when Lena got involved with Cadmus, and Kara found herself passionately defending the youngest Luthor against ALL her friends, when she could not explain her bone-deep trust in Lena but by "I can see it in her eyes" and other instinctually tainted expressions... Well, she and Mon-El made it work, they were actually a sweet couple when they weren't butting heads... Didn't stop Kara from having mixed feelings when Lena ran into her ex. And yes, Kara did mourn Mon-El. If only for the concept of what they had together, but I do think, she did feel love for him... Me thinks, Kara would be one of the people who simply can not separate physical and emotional. So by kissing and sleeping with him, stronger emotional attachments came to be. Not to invalidate them, but... personal history is important.

....long story short, Kara kept trying not to stand out. Lived and loved on the safe-side, hurt one too many times by circumstance. And yet kept feeling drawn to Lena, kept trusting her, kept wanting to reveal herself to her - despite what everybody else said. But, emotionally and 'culturally' on the safe side.

Kara friend-zoned herself.

The reveal happened and... Lena HURT her and Kara STILL kept her hope and trust up... and while towards the end of it, being incredibly hurt and worn out, she still let Lena back in. And within 24h decided that Lena came through enough times and Kara was ready to accept her apology...

And then Lex happend (again) and Phantom Zone...

Now...

[*] My head-canon for RL:

Katie is such a natural flirt, that even though the SG writers (after introducing both Lena and Mon-El to the show) have been told "no gay Supergirl" by the CW in 2017, Melissa just never knows what hit her...

Director: "CUUUT!" Melissa: "--...wait, what? I'm married. I mean... huh?" Melissa: "Wait! We have to redo that! We were told, not to-" Katie: "To what?" Melissa: "...uh, the Supercorp-thing... you know... the heart-eyes?" Katie: "What heart-eyes?" *raises an eyebrow the typical Katie-way* Melissa: "...the... um.... you..." Katie: "Wait, did you-..?" Melissa: "Me!? Oh, no. I am married!" Katie: "What has that to do-... Are you okay?" Melissa: "Yes!" Katie: "Okay, then." *Katie swaggers off stage & hi5s one of the writers on her way out* Melissa: "...darn it." *calls Chris* "Honey, I love you." Chris: "...it happened again?" Melissa: "..." *Chris starts laughing* Melissa: "...so not funny."

So, yeah, that's where I am at. Kara friend-zoned herself and Lena is totally mush for the Girl of Steel. ...and Katie is just being Katie :)

Also, I am currently 99% sure Supercorp will not be endgame. But I would be 100% pleased to be proven wrong.

[* In all seriousness, do not bash on the actors, please. They are just doing their jobs, have a life and family, real relationships and feelings. So, my above 're-enactment' is completely fictional, purely for light-hearted entertainment and not meant to do any harm or spread any hate or to be actually transcribed onto the actual, real people. We do not really know these people! They - and the writers, too - do bring characters to life that we invest in - for that they deserve our gratitude. My gut feeling (or shipper-heart feeling?) is, they are doing their best to sneak Supercorp in whenever they can - not to bait, but because they may actually not be allowed (yet..?) to make SC text but see the same chemistry we do. Have fun, but be respectful, please! We can disagree with the CW's executive decisions - although, we do not really know what’s going on bts - and express our dismay, but do not in all seriousness spread hate.]

[swatheford]

golden anniversary

(swatheford short #1) gary and miss wilkins are some blog favorites (some might say a few might love them too much) and i actually had a backstory for them! i promised that i'd release it when i reached 400 followers and i did yesterday so thank you! a little 1k short awaits below the cut! :)

"Savannah! Reese! It's time to frost the cupcakes!" A frail voice calls out as feet frantically pad across the wooden floor. Two children around five and nine, peek over the tall table. Miss Wilkins wore a gentle smile on her face; one that held a warmth which never seemed to weather as she grew old.

24 cupcakes were placed on a platter and the children started to grab at them. "Remember not to add too much, okay?"

"Yes, Gran!" Multiple bowls filled the table, each packed with colorful frostings. All three of them sat around the table and the boy wasted no time decorating. With an eager grip, he took a spoon and heaved a rather generous scoop of frosting on his chocolate cupcake.

"Gran?" a quiet voice piped up. Savannah looked up at her grandmother in awe, dark locks held into two sprouting pigtails.

"Yes, dear?"

"Can you tell us more stories about Grandpa?" At that, Miss Wilkins' smile wavered as she took a deep breath.

"Of course I can. But first," a shaky hand reaches out to wipe a swipe of pink frosting from her granddaughter's cheek. "Remember the aquarium we go to in Castellan with all the jellyfish and sharks?"

"Ooh, yeah! Those were so cool!" The boy chimed in before messily drizzling his cupcake in frosting.

"Well that was where your Grandfather proposed," her heart swells fondly at the memory. She remembered the confident grin on his face as the light ripples of water danced across his features. His eyes glimmered like opalesent pearls. She couldn't forget him if she tried.

"What was he like?"

"You know your Grandad,” she chuckled. "Even then he was funny and confident." Her husband had always been smooth, anything he did wasn’t complete without a golden grin. It wasn't long until she fell for him. "We were looking at the otters and two of them linked arms with each other. He tapped my shoulder and said ‘apparently otters link arms with the one they love so even when they sleep, they won't drift away from each other. Just like us," her voice grew shaky and a breeze whipped past her thin arm, as if his ghost softly linked arms.

Reese tilted his head, "What about the fish? Didn't Grandpa love fish?"

"He loved all kinds, especially the koi fish in the garden area. We'd go there so often that it became our second home. By the end, he gave every single one of them a name."

"Did he name one of them Reese?"

Miss Wilkins chuckles, "He sure did."

Savannah raised a hand covered in coloring, "What about Savannah?"

"Of course, my love." The siblings shared a smile.

"So what happened next?"

"Well we were at the koi pond and he searched his pockets, fishing for something-"

Another set of footsteps interrupted Miss Wilkins' train of thought. Her son, Ethan, emerged from the backyard, pants stained with dirt. He wipes his brow and smiles at the sight. "You telling them about how Dad popped the question?" She nods as he silently asks to finish the story. He takes a seat at the table, unwrapping a cupcake. "Let me tell you, Gramps was really something. He was actually a magician,” Ethan flourished as his children looked at him, fascinated.

“Why didn’t he teach me?”

“A magician never tells his secret,” he winks and sits back. “Anyways, he was searching for the ring and found it behind Gran’s ear! Just like that, he proposed.”

“What did the ring look like?” Savannah asked, practically jumping out of her chair in anticipation. Miss Wilkins slid her hand across the table, revealing a golden band with two small diamonds in the center.

“Wow,” she gasped. Ethan stood up, stretching before ruffling Reese’s red locks.

“That’s Gramps for you,” he chuckled before clapping his hands together. “Start to finish up your cupcakes, kiddos. We’re gonna leave soon.”

“But I wanna stay with Gran!” Reese pouted and pushed himself off the chair before tottering to embrace Miss Wilkins.

“You’re coming over next week, dear. Don’t worry,” she rubbed his back soothingly. At the mention of visiting again, Reese completely forgot about his sadness and replaced it with excitement. He resumed to cover the cake with sprinkles as if nothing happened.

-

Ethan clicks the seatbelts in place before closing the backdoors of the car. He turns to face his mother who presses a kiss to his cheek. The look in his eyes was all too similar to her husband's. "Thanks for watching them, Mom."

“Castellan’s got you all formal, dear. You don’t have to thank me,” she chuckled. “How’s the backyard looking?”

“Spotless if I do say so myself,” he grins. “The pond is ready by the way. I’m guessing that it’ll be home to a few koi?” Ethan already knew the answer and the look on his mother’s face confirmed it. He nods, brushing away dark locks from his face before reaching into the car. “I was cleaning up the house the other day and I found this old thing collecting dust.” He places a box in her hand. "Happy Anniversary, Mom.”

From the red cardboard, she knew what was inside. With gratitude, she wrapped her son into a warm hug. “Thank you, dear.”

Ethan shoved his hands into his pockets sheepishly before looking back to the car where Reese giggles. "The more he grows up, the more he’s acting like Dad.”

“You know, you were like that too. I guess it runs in the family," she chuckles. “I’ll see you next week, okay? You have a long drive ahead of you.”

With one last hug, Ethan waved goodbye. “Love you, Mom.”

“Love you too.”

-

Miss Wilkins gently opens the box to reveal a photo album. It was like opening a time capsule as her mind drifted to the same mentality as her wedding day. She remembered how youthful and free she felt that summer afternoon. The tattered page flipped to reveal a photo of the radiant couple at the altar and her heart soars, soaking in the happiness and longing. A thumb caresses over the closeup of her husband, clad in a crisp suit.

"Oh Gary," she whispers. "Happy Anniversary, dear."

It would've been their 50th anniversary if he wasn't taken away too soon. As the days passed by, he grew weaker and weaker; barely hanging on. Through his final moments Gary still wore the same charming smile on his face as if nothing ever happened.

Her moment of sadness faded away as she reached for a container in the cupboard. The lid clicks open as she pours out a scoop of fish flakes before standing in front of the tank. A small goldfish swam around aimlessly as she softly poured the flakes into the water. Miss Wilkins takes a seat in the weathered armchair by the fish tank, fiddling with the golden band on her left hand.

Apparently otters link arms with the one they love so even when they sleep, they won't drift away from each other. Just like us. She smiled knowing that Gary kept his promise through fifty years and fifty more.

-

yay! now y'all know about gary's namesake! hopefully this made someone emotional because i was tearing up while typing this up. granted it might've been because of my depressing cello playlist or the fact that it was 1 am, but hopefully it made y'all feel something! thank you again for 400, i'm constantly blown away by y'alls support and i'm truly grateful for y'all! i can't wait to share more with each and every one of you. :)