#the starting equipment also sucks it takes like 15 hits to get rid of one tree and 15 hits to kill a slime and there are SO many levels

[forestryfae]

the worst part of stardew valley is Spring, Year 1

[kissmyshnymetalass]

Military Transition Information

Sections:

-          Actual GOMOR

-          REFRAD

-          SFL-TAP

-          Resources

-          General Separation Tips

-          Job Hunting and Resume

-          LinkedIn

-          Other Job Hunting Sites (ZipRecruiter/Clearance Jobs/etc)

-          Certifications

ACTUAL GOMOR Nothing to say about this really. It is what it is. You can’t fight it. My parents hired some hot shot civilian lawyer who was horribly expensive but there wasn’t anything he could do about it. Ultimately it all comes down to the fact that it isn’t LAW. It is UCMJ and there’s nothing to fight. Your command team has that power. They just do. It is pure bullshit. It drives me crazy. You could try writing your congress person or the army times to put the spotlight on unfair, maddening, preposterous nonsense judgmental decisions but…otherwise you’re boned. My recommendation is to keep your head down and try not to freak out. When my battalion commander told me it would be permanently filed I had a total rage glitch and yelled at him. Did not improve my position, ha. See if you can get moved to another battalion or brigade. That’s a big ask because you’re now branded. But if anyone is still in your corner (a Battalion XO or S3 or even a S1 who is respected and will advocate for you. Maybe the Brigade FSO if you have a good reputation) it can give you breathing room to no longer be in that environment. I had pull with division and was able to get onto staff up there after my flag was lifted. They knew I was only there to transition and were really cool about it- your mileage may vary. REFRAD

The first step is to get a copy of the REFRAD packet. It is mainly memos. Your S1 should have a copy. Then clarify what gates it has to hit (Battalion to Brigade to Division to Installation to HRC I’m pretty sure) and who the people are. You can do this while you’re flagged (if you’re flagged which I assume you are). You can’t submit until you’re unflagged but you can do drafts and send them to the S1 to get corrections. I’d let your command know of your intent to separate if you have any kind of ability to talk to them and let them know you’d appreciate if they could sign this stuff right away. I made it overwhelmingly clear that I disagreed with their handling of the situation and would like to just get out of there as fast as possible. They obliged by signing everything without the “required” counseling sessions.

I submitted mine on like July 6th or 7th and received my approval from HRC O/A 20 August but had to hand walk it. Basically had to call the S1 shop at Battalion every day until they routed to Brigade. Then the same thing with Brigade. Then with Installation. Etc. It is just best to be a pain in the ass about it because otherwise it can get stuck at a gate and require corrections and you’ll just never know about it because S1 sucks, ha. After you get your approval from HRC you still have to wait to get clearing papers and orders. That can take a while. I’m pretty sure I had my orders 9-10 days after getting approval and was given clearing papers six working days before my final out (which was around 16 October). SFL-TAP SFL-TAP was stupid but you may see benefits. There were a couple of contractors hunting for separating Soldiers so you maybe you’ll meet someone like that. Otherwise SFL-TAP went over pretty basic stuff like “consider benefits in addition to salary when job hunting” or “here’s what to wear.” It was FINE. But I wouldn’t say that officers are really the target audience. They will expose you to a few transition assistance programs which could be helpful though. Like I think there is a Microsoft administrator course that is 3-4 months you can do that SFL-TAP can give you info about. Other things like credentialing programs, certification courses, job fairs, etc. I did not use any of these services but I have heard they can be helpful. RESOURCES YOU WILL HEAR ABOUT, YMMV ACP Partnerships. American Corporate Partners. Basically you can apply on their website and they can hook you up with a mentor in your preferred field. I did this and it was fine. I received a mentor but she wasn’t super helpful. I think your experience really depends on your mentor. I’ve heard from others that their mentors are awesome. The nice thing about this is that they assign you a mentorship manager and that person will be very aggressive about providing you with resources (interview prep, resume reviewer, etc)

Corporate Fellowship Program. You can visit hiringourheroes.org. They can basically set you up with a corporate internship. Usually reserved for service members who are going to stay geographically close to their installation. Once again, I did not use this service but I have heard GREAT things and have a close friend who participated and she raves about it. Cameron Brooks/other junior officer recruitment companies. I did Cameron Brooks for a few months. I did not tell them about the GOMOR, ha. Didn’t mention the flag at all. They won’t call your command or anything so I just viewed it as keeping non-essential information to myself. It was also fine. It is free. They will give you books to read and counsel you and do interview prep and everything. It is a nice service. They told me they only “accept the best” as clients. Probably not true so don’t let them convince you they are some secret sauce. They just have a very codified approach. I have heard from others that they can land you in a good job but most are in less desirable locations (like the mid-west. Or Kansas). If you are afraid of transitioning this is kind of nice. Like having a bossy older brother who “knows a guy.” Other Useful “Leaving the Army” Tips Make sure you have a log in to mypay set up. Once you final out your CAC won’t work anywhere. Forward yourself anything in your military email that you may need or want. Download your medical records. Set up a DS login. Stuff like that. I lost a lot because I never did it. Oh well. But learn from my experience, ha. Print off your clothing record and do CIF prep now. At my last installation they wouldn’t make me a CIF appointment until the last six workdays I was in the Army and I had to go back three or four times and it was stressful. Do your homework and equipment cleaning now. All in all it wasn’t too bad. Military surplus stores will work with you. The one near me let me take what I needed from them for free (like a sleeping mat, grenade pouch and ACU print assault pack) with the agreement that once I was cleared I would give them all remaining equipment I had. They made out big in that deal because after a decade I had a ton of shit. Do all the basics. Clean your stuff, get rid of tape residue, etc. Job Hunting and Resumes Oh job hunting. You son of a bitch. First things first, get LinkedIn. Get Premium. I’m pretty sure you can do this for free as a service member but I’m not sure how. I will go into way more LinkedIn detail in a moment. I started job hunting in August. It took three months to find a job. It was NOT easy. You need to write a resume. There are countless agencies who will review it for you for free. There is certainly someone in your SFL-TAP staff who will review your resume. Don’t worry- they will broadcast who they are. I’m sure if you reached out now they could send you examples and review your stuff. Get a lot of eyes on it. Friends, parents, those who have transitioned. If you have any friends in HR have them look at it. De-militarize it. You need to be submitting applications every day. I had a goal to apply to at least one job every day and generally applied to 3 or 5 each day. I applied to 200-300 jobs easily. I received rejections from around 100. The others didn’t even bother letting me know. Of those applications I had the most luck if I went to their LinkedIn page and found someone in HR and introduced myself and offered to provide any additional information. I scheduled around 12 interviews and made it to the second round for 4. Was ultimately offered two jobs in the same week at my price point but it took work.

Find recruiters on LinkedIn. Basically you can search for recruiters in your preferred area. Just add them. Add whoever. And send them an email. I did this and probably met with 10-15 recruiters. None of them were able to place me but talking to them was good. They can help you figure out how to present your skill sets and will send you resumes to review/copy and will sometimes review your resume for you. They WANT to place you because that’s what makes them money so don’t feel weird about reaching out to them. Talking to them is also good general interview prep because they ask most of the same questions an interviewing company would ask.

When applying for a specific job read the posting and then incorporate as many of the words they use IN THE FORMAT THEY USE THEM into your resume. They will almost certainly filter your application through a software designed to separate those totally unqualified. For instance, if you hold a project management certification and on your resume you write PMP Certified but in the job description they say “Project management professional certification preferred” then go back to your resume and change PMP to Project Management Professional.

Biggest piece of advice here is Don’t Give Up. It is soul crushing. You will feel panicked and shitty and underqualified. That’s normal from what I hear. Don’t marry yourself to the first job. I’ve heard from professional recruiters that companies are more likely to hire a veteran after he/she has successfully held a civilian job for one year after separation. My advice would be to accept a job that pays you fairly for the security and reassess after a year. There’s absolutely no problem with changing jobs later. LinkedIn Fuck you, LinkedIn. LinkedIn is such bullshit. But civilians are rock fucking hard for it. So get a LinkedIn. Make sure everything is up to date. Have a picture- NOT a military picture. The same boring one everyone has on LinkedIn. You’re wearing a tie. You’re smiling like a goober. Write all the bullshit nonsense about how you’re a trendsetter and a problem solver and an out of the box thinker. Really sell yourself. Make connections. Make as many connections as you can. For some reason you seem more hireable when you have a ton of connections. Find recruiters and add them. Find people who are doing the thing you want to do in the city you want to do it in and add them. Interact with people. It is all a show but just do it because that’s the game and the prize for winning the game is a nice salary and a successful transition. Find all of the companies who typically hire vets if you’re interested in that. Deloitte, Raytheon, Leidos, Lockheed Martin, etc. Most recruiters associated with these organizations put out content regularly that’s aimed at transitioning service members. They will host classes and online information sessions. Attend them. Follow the advice of the recruiters. All advise basically boils down to market yourself, make connections, expand your network, tailor your resume, follow up in a personal way to applications (contacting HR people or recruiters within the company), send out resumes daily, interview well, repeat, repeat, repeat.

Get premium so you can see who looks at your profile. Other Job Hunting Sites/Resources I actually got my job using ZipRecruiter, not LinkedIn. So I would definitely use ZipRecruiter. You can use ClearanceJobs if you have a clearance. You should go to whichever state you want to work in’s website as well because they’ll post local jobs (like working as a project manager for the department of transportation in Kentucky or whatever). I received a few interviews (well, 2) doing this. I think because it is kind of a pain in the ass to apply that way. Look at universities and hospitals in your preferred area. Often the jobs they post don’t make it onto other sites. Follow companies you’d like to work for on LinkedIn. Sometimes organizations will advertise openings that don’t make it to the LinkedIn job search function for some reason. Instead they’ll make a post about an opening and the link will take you directly to their website. Certifications Probably didn’t need this whole section but…get certs. They both matter and they don’t matter. I don’t think my certs really helped me get my job but they certainly didn’t hurt. PMP (as aforementioned) is a big one.

[aalexchuu-blog]

Chapter 3: Maybe it isn't that bad in here?

Today is finally the day when the classes begin. I couldn't wait. I had Defense Against Dark Arts with da... I mean with Professor Snape and Potions with Professor Slughorn. My favorite subjects. I had my books and other equipment ready and headed towards my first class. The class room was dark, very dark only a little light was coming off candles near Professor's desk. My father always liked creating scary atmosphere. I sat in a middle row between a girl from Slytherin named Alyssa and a boy from Hufflepuff named Aaron but his friends call him 'spike'. I think it's because of his little mohawk. Classroom was full, I looked around a little I always wondered what kind of a teacher my father was. I wonder if-

*SLAM*  

- Class... Quiet, please.

*Class room goes completely silent.*

- Take notes off the board, today I will teach you about gnomes, where to find them, what are their perks and how to get rid of them.

Damn he was scary. I followed his instructions just like the rest and copied the board. Topic wasn't too bad but I think after the war, it might be a bit too easy and somehow not really that scary when you compare it to the death eaters, Voldermort and other monsters. After two hours the class was over.

- For tomorrow I want one page about gnomes. I want to see what you learnt today. Now, you may leave.

*Severus gives Alex a reassuring smile.*

I quickly gathered my stuff and followed the rest of the class as I wasn't sure where the potion class was being held in. I eventually got to the class and grabbed the first empty stool. Not long after Professor Slughorn entered the room.

- Hello class. I'm Professor Slughorn and will be teaching you all about potions. I can see you're all excited.

*Awkward silence.*

I think I was the only one who was excited, it was my best subjects after-all.  

- I want to see your strengths in this subject so for today you will be working individually but the next time I see you, you will all be paired up. Alright, who can tell me what is the name of this potion?

*With one swing of a wand Slughorn unveils half- filled cauldron. Students not sure what to say all turn to look at Hermione Granger who also didn't know what this potion was for.*

- Sleekeazy's Hair Potion, sir.

*Everyone turns to look at Alex in shock.*

- Oh, yes! Perfect. What is your name, may I ask?

- Alex Shier, sir.

- Now Alex, the name of this potion is correct but can you tell me what it is used for?

- Of course, it's basically used for beauty treatment. It will smooth any type of hair within seconds. This potion was created byt Fleamont Potter.

- Good, good. Very good!

*Slughorn claps his hands in excitement.*

- 15 points for Slytherin!

*One student pats Alex on the back, gesture of happiness.*

- Now class. Please take what you need from the shelves and start brewing.

*Students scatter around the room to grab equipment and ingredients.*

- Oh and the recipe can be found on page 116! Whoever brews the perfect mixture or will be the closest one to perfection will gain 30 points for their house! Begin!

*CLINK. CLANK. TSSSK.*

Alright, let's do this. Two drops of this, five spoons of that, pinch of grey sand and dragon's hair.  Oh! I almost forgot the special ingredient. Now it just needs to brew for a little while. I looked around to see efforts of other students but no one came even close to what I or Professor has not even Hermione Granger who is suppose to be the smartest witch of our generation. She actually looked very frustrated. Her brew smells like orange juice when it's supposed to smell like lavender. She probably added 5 1/2 spoons of dragonfly liquor. I could fix it but... I didn't want to attract too much attention.

*Slughorn can be heard in the distance, commenting on other students work.*

Mine is almost finished. I actually might grab some of that potion for my hair, it always gets frizzy in the mornings. Oh, it's finished.

- Professor Slughorn?

- Yes? Who said that?

- Me, sir. Alex Shier?

- What can I do for yo- Oh! would you look at that, it's perfect... it's absolutely perfect! Its proportions, ingredients and perfect temperature. I think we have a winner! You have a talent, pure talent which kind of reminds me of when Professor Snape was a student in here. He also has a gift!

*I swallowed... hard.*

- Thank, thank you sir.

- 30 points for Slytherin!

*Silent 'yees' can be heard in the background, some Slytherin students showing their appreciation of gained points.*

- Sir! Do you mind if I grab some of this potion?

- Of course, knock yourself out. There are empty vials at the back.

*Slughorn all happy from seeing Alex's work returns to grading the rest.*

I got off the stool to see a lot of hateful glares from Pansy, her friend Laurie, some Hufflepuffs and strangely Hermione. I acted like I didn't notice them, grabbed 2 vials, poured some potion and threw them safely in my bag.

- For our next class, can you please read a little about every ingredient that is in this recipe. I will be asking questions. Class dismissed.

*Students moving around, leaving the class room while Alex is having trouble with zipping her bag.*

Finally, I thought that I'd never close it. I was about to leave the room when Professor called out my name.

- Alex? Could I speak with you for a second?

- Yes, of course. Did I do something wrong?

- No, not at all. I just wanted to compliment you on the work that you did today, not many students are able to brew this potion especially on their first day. Magnificent. May I ask, who thought you about it?

- Oh... It was my father. He loves potions.

*Slughorn goes completely silent and stares at Alex's necklace.*

- It's a beautiful necklace...

- Wha-

- Your necklace, lily is it?

- Yes...

* Alex is shocked from the sudden change of topic.*

- I used to have a student here long time ago, she had a good heart. One day I found a half-filled bowl of water on my desk. There was lily, floating inside. It suddenly started to sink and when it hit the bottom of the bowl it turned into a little goldfish. It was a beautiful and pure magic.

*Slughorn stops for a minute, Alex not sure what to do looks around nervously.*

- Her name was Lily, the student that gave me the goldfish. In return I gave her this necklace.

*Slughorn points at Alex's necklace.*

- But... it was my mothers. My father said that it belonged to her, you must be talking about a wrong necklace. There could be hundreds of them in the world.

I grabbed my stuff and quickly ran out of the room.

*Alex slams the door and leaves.*

- I must be... *Murmurs Slughorn.*

He doesn't know what he's talking about. My mother, he couldn't know her. My father said she died in young age. That she only attended Hogwarts for 2 years. I believe my father. How could he say that to me. He's old... he probably gets confused a lot. That must be it.

*Alex calms down and goes to the dining hall for dinner.*

I decided to go with the roast beef for dinner tonight, it looked delicious. I started with the beef, and then made my way to the vegetables.

- I heard you're quite smart!

* A strange student unexpectedly sits in front of Alex making her jump.*

- Sorry, I didn't mean to frighten you. So tell me, is it true?

- Is what true?

*Alex still shocked.*

- That you scored us 45 points in one day, smarty pants.

- Oh... that... yes.

*Alex puts down her cutlery and wipes her mouth.*

- Nice, thanks to you Slytherin is leading the race.

- What race?

- You don't know? Each year all houses compete with each other to win a house cup. Slytherin hasn't won in years. Maybe thanks to you this year will be different.

*Stranger grabs one of the chicken wings and bites into it, grinning.*

- I'm Eli. I'm attending Hogwarts for 3 years now, well 2 if you exclude last year. I'm also a seeker in our team!

- Nice to meet you Eli, I'm Alex. I started this year.

*Eli wipes his hands and proceeds to shake Alex's hand.*

- Lovely to meet you too. *he smiles*

- So have you met any cool people yet?

- No... not really. Most people in here suck, they're all mean.

- You. are. breaking. my. heart. girl.

*Eli pretends like he's about to cry.*

- I guess there might be an exception.

*Alex smiles at Eli and his dramatic act.*

- Thank you!

- I gotta go, but if you ever need a friend to talk to. I'll be there. I know how hard it is to fit in.

- Thank you, it means a lot.

*Both smile at each other, Eli begins to leave but stops halfway and says something.*

- And Alex, generally every school suck and most of the people in it but, try to find people who don't there is a few. Trust me.

*Eli smiles and leaves.*

Eli was right, and he was one of those people who didn't suck. He was nice to me, and from what I've noticed he isn't mean to anyone and I'm pretty sure that he is friends with everyone even Gryffindor. He doesn't really fit into Slytherin, he's more of a Hufflepuff type. He was tall with mid- long brown hair, he was sporty and had green eyes. He seemed cheerful and was friendly where most of Slytherins are cold and mean. Maybe I could be friends with him? After-all he made an offer... didn't he?

The rest of the day went pretty fast. I finished my homework and also used some of the sleek potion on my hair, it was all over the place. I thought a little about what Professor Slughorn said maybe the girl that he talked about was my mother? I wonder if there is a yearbook in the library that I could look at, maybe I would recognize her somehow? I'll look for it tomorrow, the library is closed now so no point in going. Instead, I went for a refreshing bath, at this time no one was really around students either were in beds or sneaking off with their girlfriends or boyfriends for some alone time. It was a plus as the bathrooms were completely empty. I turned all of the taps on, it was amazing. So many different colors of water and soaks started to fill the bath. It was the best bath I ever had. I dried my hair and dressed myself in a pajama with house crest on it. I went back to my room. I still wasn't tired so I decided to read a little. I had my first muggle book that I have ever read with me, it was called 'Winnie the Pooh'. It was a kid's book but I didn't mind, even if it was a muggle story it was still magical, at least to me. I sat at the windowsill and found the page where I left the other day:

                                                                    'How sweet to be a Cloud

                                                                         Floating in the Blue!

                                                                           Every little cloud

                                                                         Always sings aloud.

                                                                                'How swe...'

*Alex reads the book for a while but eventually falls asleep on her windowsill.*

[junker-town]

Grading the 2017 Winter Meetings

There weren’t a lot of trades and free agent signings, but we’ll grade what we have.

T-shirt idea, free of charge: “Marcell Ozuna was traded at the Winter Meetings, and all I got was this lousy t-shirt and four days of crippling, depressing boredom that almost made me watch classic hockey games on YouTube.” Sell that sucker for $29 and have yourself a happy holiday season.

No, these weren’t the most active Winter Meetings. No, I’m not including the Giancarlo Stanton trade in the final accounting. No, I’m not expecting you to be interested in these Winter Meetings grades, considering that these were the most boring meetings since they were invented by Armand J. Winter 87 years ago. But I have a box to check off. Help me check this box off.

Man, this was a boring Winter Meetings. Straight D-. There’s the only grade you need. But on to the grades you don’t need!

St. Louis Cardinals - A

Acquired Marcell Ozuna, traded Stephen Piscotty, signed Luke Gregerson

The Ozuna trade was a splendid centerpiece, and at the risk of being “that guy,” it’s far to ask if he was an even better fit than Giancarlo Stanton. Financially, it’s not a question, and now the Cardinals can do all sorts of things with the money they didn’t spend, like acquire Manny Machado, which they’ll do any second now.

It’s the Piscotty trade that gets me, though. Not because the Cardinals were looking for a way to get him closer to his ailing mother, and this trade was a classy way of doing that. That might be true, but did you see the prospects the Cardinals got back? Yairo Munoz is a versatile infielder/outfielder who hit .316/.348/.532 in Double-A, and I’m sure they’ll figure out a way to make him a contributor, but I’m more focused on Max Schrock, a 5’11” left-handed infielder who hit .321 in Double-A, with nearly as many walks as strikeouts.

Tell me that the Cardinals aren’t going to weaponize this guy. Tell me with a straight face. He’s going to annoy Cubs fans for a decade. And if you think I’m off base when it comes to my Cardinals predictions, behold:

Jose Martinez is going to hit .300 with 15 homers for the Cardinals this year

That was in March. Martinez hit .309 with 14 homers. Don’t fear me. Fear the Cardinals. Because Max Schrock is going to fill in for someone who gets hurt and hit .294 with 20 doubles, and you’ll be focused on Marcell Ozuna like a noob.

Miami Marlins - F

Acquired whatever

The Marlins are Toys R Us, and their new owners are depleting their tangible assets to pay back their own debts. Trash.

Los Angeles Angels - B+

Acquired Ian Kinsler

When a soon-to-be 36-year-old second baseman loses 100 points off his OPS, that production doesn’t have to come back with a little rest and fresh start. There’s at least a fair chance that Kinsler will get sucked into the same quicksand that Brandon Phillips did with the Angels.

On the other hand, all they had to give up was two prospects who weren’t even in the top 20 of a widely panned system. There isn’t a lot of risk with this one, but there’s a whole lot of reward. The bigger risk was punting on second base, which is what the Angels have done since Howie Kendrick left. This is much better.

Plus, it allows me to reuse this GIF of Kinsler’s slide.

Seattle Mariners - C

Signed Juan Nicasio, did a bunch of random Dipoto trades to get international slot money, unless they were moves to trade away international slot money, look, I don’t even know anymore

Nicasio is a solid reliever, even if two years, $17 million is definitely on the higher side for him. At the very least, it’s worth remembering that the Pirates put him on waivers in August, even though he was having the kind of season that would earn him $17 million, and they just let him go when the Phillies claimed him. Then the Phillies immediately traded him for a prospect. It still makes me laugh.

There were a bunch of moves mixed in that I don’t really understand because Dipoto is the GM equivalent of the Winchester Mystery House, and if he stops making transactions, he will be attacked by vengeful spirits.

Houston Astros - B+

Signed Joe Smith

Yeah, he’s pretty good.

Oakland A’s - B

Acquired Stephen Piscotty

Piscotty is a former first-round pick who struggled for the first time in the majors. He’s locked up for the next five seasons at reasonable rates — six, if he becomes a major contributor. If he repeats his disappointing season, he becomes something like a latter-day Jose Tabata, someone whose salary doesn’t ruin the payroll, but sure doesn’t help. If he repeats the season he had in 2016, he becomes a bargain.

I’d gamble money on the 2016 scenario, too. The A’s gave up some interesting prospects, but there’s a lot of upside to Piscotty.

Washington Nationals - B+

Re-signed Brandon Kintzler

The new Brad Ziegler. Heck, you can almost rearrange Kintzler’s name to be Brad Ziegler. You have to take the “K” and move this piece here and that piece there to get a “Z,” but it’s all possible.

Solid reliever. Someone you wouldn’t want on the mound to protect a one-run lead in Game 7, but a solid reliever.

Minnesota Twins - A-

Signed Fernando Rodney, Michael Pineda

Rodney is 58 years old and still effective, but the A- has more to do with the Pineda signing, which I absolutely love. The Twins won’t see many benefits this year, but they’ll have one fewer box to check off next offseason when it comes to building their rotation. This is almost like a football team trading a second-round pick for a first-round pick the following draft. It’s not exciting, and then that later draft comes around, and it’s like, “OH, RIGHT, this is awesome.”

Assuming the money going to Pineda doesn’t hurt the Twins’ chances of signing Yu Darvish, this is a very prudent, forward-thinking move.

Chicago Cubs - A

Signed Steve Cishek, Drew Smyly, Brandon Morrow

Smyly is like the Pineda deal for the Twins, except there’s a chance for him to help the Cubs in 2018. It seems weird to consider a Tommy John pitcher a “fresh arm” heading into the postseason, but the description will probably fit here. My guess is that Smyly will move into that Mike Montgomery role, except he’ll be a little better equipped for it because of his strikeout stuff.

But the A is for Cishek and Morrow, who are relievers they might be able to trust. Was there anything sadder than Carl Edwards, Jr. being called upon constantly in the postseason and looking like a college kid telling himself “I can do this I can do this I can do this” before explicitly not doing whatever this was? It wasn’t his fault. It was only partially Joe Maddon’s fault. They needed more arms.

Here are two more arms. This is a start.

San Diego Padres - C

Acquired Chase Headley, Bryan Mitchell

I love the idea. The Padres’ payroll is currently around $65,000, depending on if you count holiday bonuses or not, and there really isn’t a way under the new CBA to use their extra cash on international prospects or to convince late-round picks to give up college. Taking on an unwanted salary is the new paying a 35th-rounder millions to ditch his LSU commitment, and I applaud their creativity.

That written, I’m not convinced that Mitchell is the best use of that $13 million? He’s on the older side, and there’s a reason the Yankees were probably willing to lose him off waivers this spring. You’re right to trust the Padres’ scouts more than me, but I’m skeptical.

New York Yankees - INC

Got rid of Chase Headley’s salary

This is probably an A, but we still need to see what they do. If they use the money to get Miguel Gonzalez and six utility infielders, this wasn’t a masterstroke of genius.

They’re probably going to use it on Alex Cobb or something, which will help them, and also, WHAT IN THE HELL, THEY HAVE GIANCARLO STANTON NOW, WHEN DID THAT HAPPEN, cripes. If you include Stanton, this is an A because they have a generational superstar at $100 million less than Manny Machado or Bryce Harper are going to get. (From the Yankees, probably. Nothing matters anymore.)

Philadelphia Phillies - B+

Signed Pat Neshek, Tommy Hunter

The Phillies have the same strategy I would have if I were running a rebuilding team: Spend money on relievers, and deal them for prospects if they’re having great seasons. They did this just a few months ago with Neshek, and apparently it was so fun that he’s willing to do it again? Interesting! But also prudent.

I would like to point out that the Phillies got J.D. Hammer back in the Neshek trade in July, and that is an excellent pitcher name.

Now pitching, number 14 ... J. D. HAMMER

HELL YES, and “Welcome to the Jungle” starts playing as J.D. HAMMER jogs in from the bullpen to humiliate the other team with a steady diet of fastballs and curveballs, which he calls J.D. HAMMERS, and the crowd eats it up, whooping and cheering every strikeout. You don’t have to watch the game to know that J.D. HAMMER is in the game; you’ll be able to hear it. No, you’ll be able to feel it through the vibrations from the ground.

Anyway, here’s what J.D. Hammer looks like:

He seems like a nice kid, but he sure doesn’t look like a J.D. HAMMER needs to look. That’s a Doug Harkey if I’ve ever seen one, and he needs to work on that. First, get a handlebar mustache. Rent one if you have to. Second ... look, we have a lot of work to do. Cancel my appointments for the afternoon.

New York Mets - B+

Signed Anthony Swarzak

Yeah, just giving all the solid relievers a B+, here. It’s better for a team to develop their own Anthony Swarzak, but it’s not like the Mets gave him a six-year deal. He was excellent last year, and if they don’t contend, they can turn this money into deadline prospects, just like the Phillies

Colorado Rockies - B-

Re-signed Jake McGee, signed Bryan Shaw

They’re close to re-signing Greg Holland, too, I believe. On the one hand, I’m fascinated with what the Rockies are trying to do. Building a Colorado pitching staff with expensive relievers is very build-the-airplane-out-of-the-little-black-box, and I’m more than curious to see just how much they can shorten the game.

On the other hand, I know that expensive relievers will break your heart, so while it’s fine if you’re the Mets signing one of them or even the Cubs signing two of them, I really think these signings (and Holland, probably) are going to constitute the Rockies’ entire offseason. I can’t get behind that idea.

If they make more moves, I reserve the right to come back here in a month and edit the grade without telling anyone.

Texas Rangers - INC

Signed Chris Martin

The stats from Japan sure are pretty, and it’s not like the Rangers haven’t had success going with a repatriated pitcher before. I can’t give it an A because I have no idea what Martin is, really, other than a very tall pitcher, but it’s an A in my heart.

I would make Coldplay puns, except I’ve managed to avoid Coldplay very successfully for the last 17 years, and I don’t really know any of their songs other than “Clocks” and that one that got them sued by Joe Satriani. I’m not bragging; I’m just bragging.