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putschki1969 · 3 years

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Reflectin on 2020 at my own pace〜 Hikaru//’s Free Writing Vol.#6 〜

Hello, this is Hikaru//.

These days, I spend all my time in production, preparing to deliver new music to everyone. When I am not too busy I think it is very important to find time to relax, are all of you finding enough time to relax? I would really like to know how everyone is spending their relax time.

Well, this column I would like to reflect on 2020.

To put it simply, I think 2020 was the year that my solo project H-el-ical// started properly. I feel like H-el-ical// is slowly taking shape.

My big milestones were that I was able to release two singles, "Altern-ate-" and "disclose", I also produced two mini-albums that were exclusively available at the live venue and via mail order. So overall I felt like I was working all year round. Since I started working as H-el-ical// things have been very different since I no longer just sing the songs that are given to me, there is so much more to think about now, so many processes that I had never before taken into consideration. What kind of lyrics to add to a specific song? How to sing a certain song? People sometimes ask me, “isn’t it hard?” but honestly, I am enjoying myself.

It's a lot of fun to step into an unknown territory and to be able to write lyrics about whatever springs to mind. Even when it comes to my singles which are theme songs for animes, I try to find my own words to convey the atmosphere while still respecting the origin work.

As for the other songs I made, I tried to make them poetic, using words that came to mind when thinking about the overarching themes I had chosen for my albums. In a way, I was free to do whatever I wanted, it was a very casual production.

When being asked whether or not it was tough to do all that, I can’t really come up with a good answer but taking into account that I wrote around 15 songs throughout the past year, I will have to admit that I was struggling to find new words, there was certainly a lack of vocabulary. I realised that there were certain words that I really liked and I kept using them a lot *laughs* I want to increase my vocabulary in the future.

What I learned from writing lyrics is that I may want to convey something particular. So even if our world views are different, I want the core of my message to stay the same. But how to best express that thing you want to convey? I think that is one of the issues I will continue to tackle in 2021.

As for me as a singer, I feel that as I grow older, I have to find way of xpression and singing styles that suit my age. Even if I sing the same words that I sang many years ago, it seems that the meaning and colouring of the words is different depending on whether you sing something in your 20s or your 30s.

As I keep on living and gaining experience, a single word will become so much more loaded, by adding different shades to my singing I think there is a lot more that can be conveyed to everyone, be it people that are older, younger or the same age as myself.

Coming back to the previously mentioned singles, in May 2020, I made my major debut as solo singer when I released the theme song "Altern-ate-" for the TV anime "Gleipnir" under the label NBC Universal.

I was incredibly moved when the episode of "Gleipnir" with my song "Altern-ate-" was first broadcast on TV. I have not mentioned this before but my body was actually trembling so much, more so than I had ever expected *laughs*. I guess that was the moment I truly felt the gratitude of being a solo artist.

Of course I was always moved when I saw our our songs being aired during my time in Kalafina, but that felt a little different. Now it is only my vocals you hear in the song that is airing on TV alongside the end credits of an anime. At first, I couldn't even see the screen properly., everything was so blurry The tension was just too high *laughs*. When I saw the name H-el-ical// on the screen I almost broke into tears, I still remember that moment clearly now.

What was really though in 2020 was the fact that my live 『H-el-ical// Acoustic LlVE 2020～elements～』which was scheduled to be held on April 5 had to be cancelled due to corona. I'm beyond happy that I was able to have a proper comeback by holding 『H-el-ical// acoustic LIVE 2020 「咲 -SHOW-」』 on December 29. Thank you to everyone who came to the venue and send their support from afar!

My impression of my first live performance in about 13 months can be summarised in a few words, I felt completely "burned out ..." *laughs*. During my daytime MC I told everyone, "I'll do my very best without thinking about saving energy for my night performance" and as a result I sang with all my might and ended up being completely exhausted *laughs*. Afterwards I thought to myself, "Somehow I have to restore my energy in time for the night performance!" I did my very best to achieve a proper revival so I could stand on stage with all my strength.

To be honest, I didn't expect so many people to come to the venue. I was trembling and vervous when the performance started, but I was also so very touched when I saw how many of you had turned up *laughs*. When the first song was over and the audience are was illuminated, I got to see everyone’s face and almost started crying. I truly felt like I was able to hold a proper conversation with everyone that day.

I still cannot believe that I got the chance to hold that live in our current situation. I think some fans in the audience might have been curious because they were seeing me perform for the first time as a solo artist so they wondered what my solo live would be like but due to the pandemic, this live was quite different and many decisions had to be made by the organiser. Everyone who participated also had to think hard about whether they wanted to take the risk of attending. That's why I was really able to treasure and appreciate my luck, I was truly blessed to be able to hold that live. After it was over, everyone involved told me, "it looked like you had a blast," and yes, it’s true, for me it felt like, "if I didn’t enjoy this precious time to the fullest, wouldn't it be a great loss?"

In fact, everyone’s joy and happiness was conveyed even through the masks, so I was also able to have a good time. Once again, I feel like I was able to have a solid “conversation” with all of you. It was a very, very special time. Thank you so much.

I'm looking for more things to do in 2021. I am taking in suggestions by staff members too because I want to broaden my horizon. First and foremost though I feel like it is very important to get more people to know about H-el-ical// so I will work hard and spare no effort in spreading awareness.

I will also contine to collaborate with SPICE by updating this column, I think I can learn a lot by doing this. How can I best write this to highlights the charms of my experiences so everyone enjoys reading about it? I always worry about this when I write my column but it is a lot of fun, especially when I get positive feedback on Twitter and you let me know that people are actually interested in what I have to say. This is a different kind of “conversation” that Iam able to hold with you.

In addition, I feel that I have the opportunity to do some self-reflection when writing down my thoughts like this. I guess it’s like having a dialogue with yourself rather than just thinking about something? In the future I would like to continue worrying and spreading joy by talking about all kinds of things. Of course I will have to keep my deadlines in mind! *laughs*

And here’s a bonus photo. One of my favourite ways to relax is to take a bath. Recently I have always had a candle and a bottle of water with me.

Well then, until next time.

#kalafina #hikaru #helical #otaku #my translation #hikaru//#H-el-ical// acoustic LIVE 2020「-咲 SHOW-」#Hikaru//’s Free Writing #Hikaru//の自由綴文 #helical spice series

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cartermarcian · 4 years

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4Kids Korner - Season 2 - Episode 3

I'm a bit late this week because I got caught up with work and school-related dread, but now I'm back to bring you more 4Kids products! This week we have an epic trifepic: Winx Club Magazine Issue one - the castle, Kirby Right Back at Ya - Ice Kirby (DVDouble-Shot) and Kirby Right Back at Ya - Kirby Comes to Cappy Town!

Let's start by getting the smallest one out of the way. Here's Kirby Right Back at Ya - Ice Kirby (2005)

There's something I oddly like about DVDouble-Shot. Starting In 2005, the DVDouble-Shot line was introduced featuring two-Episode DVDs of 4Kids most profitable shows as a way of promoting 4Kids TV. As for the consumer, the main selling point is that you could buy them for a low price, collect and possibly trade them with your friends, kind of like Pokémon cards. I like the idea of one kid saying to the other on the playground, "hey, wanna trade your Ninja Turtles for my YuGiOh?" How successful they were, I have no idea, but they're fun and easy to review on this show. Given their small portion size, practically every DVDouble-Shot is the same. This one had the episodes "The Chill Factor" and "DeDeDe's Snow Job," in accordance with the ice theme of the disc. It also features assorted promos for then-current and upcoming 4Kids shows identical to those seen in the 4Kids TV September demo disc (which I will hopefully review some time in the future.) Before we move on, though there's one little thing I want to point out about the box art. You can't see it in the photos I've provided, but the ice monster on the cover is far more pixelated than Kirby, if you look closely at it, so it appears to me that they lifted it right out of the episode and placed it on the cover. I guess that's just what happens when no official art of a character exists for your graphic designers to use...

Now that we have that one out of the way, let's talk about the stars of today's episode, which actually turned out to have much more historical value than most of the other stuff in my collection. So say hello to the Winx Club Magazine Premiere Issue, The Castle (2005)

This is a very special addition to my collection not only because it's part of what I consider to be 4Kids' absolute peak year, but since the book was presumably printed in January of 2005, it means this was one of the first pieces of of merchandise to feature the now-famous 4Kids TV logo. Heck it might have even been printed before then. As for the book itself, it's quite cute as it features everything an 8-11 year old girl wanting to be a hip and trendy 2000s teenager could want, and contains surprisingly few ads for Winx Club merch. And even more adorable, is the publisher's attempts to fit that description using words like "slammin'" in sentences. I call it a magazine, but it's really more dedicated to the comic included, "The Castle," which I would have read, but I needed to get some sleep the day I read it, so I skimmed the book's numerous activities, instead. But for those still interested, the comic is a retelling of Bloom's enrollment in Alfea, with original art that's pretty accurate to the actual show. But the book's real allure is the activities. Like the free trading card you'll see in the photo above. It even comes with a full-page description of what a trading card game is, making reference to YuGiOh in the process, which I thought was funny since 4Kids owned that, and also because it heavily implies that only boys play YuGiOh when the show itself has many female duelists. After that, you have a faux interview with Bloom taken from the perspective of a fellow Alfea Student. What I remember most clearly about that, is that Bloom says she listens to top 40's, which made me think "man, she's got some trash music taste," even though I, myself have said on multiple occasions off of tumblr that I listen to basically everything. Also included on the magazine are a paper fortune-telling toy, a best friend diary which includes a "secret crush" slot to fill in, a page for writing down predictions about the reader's future, and even a personality test which assigns your traits to a type of flower, as suggested by Flora on the page. The funny thing about this is that one question asks for the reader's favorite kind of movie, and one of the options is "anime everything," which I thought was funny since anime was just starting to get big at that time in America, and the online anime community was just starting to grow. Finally, on the last page, probably the most creative of all, is a step-by-step slumber party plan by Musa, which details inviting everyone over, having them show up dressed as their favorite popstar (like Brittany Spears, for example) and bring their favorite CD from said popstar, then taking turns playing them and talking about them. It sounds quite fun, and it made me smile imagining all the little kids who tried this. That's exactly what I think is awesome about children's entertainment: it makes them happy and builds their imagination. So that's the Winx Club Magazine, a really good buy, but I must admit they used the same art of the girls more than once on a few occasions, and also wrote in a plot hole in the interview with Bloom, where she says she discovered her powers as a child, but in the show she unlocks them at her current age when saving Stella from the first monsters of the series. So it may have a couple flukes, but still quite enjoyable.

And last, but never least, it's time for Kirby Right Back at Ya: Kirby Comes to Dream Land (2002)

This one is also historically significant for two reasons. One is that it was the very first release of one of the more famous non-Pokémon/YuGiOh shows 4Kids had to offer, but it also played a part in promoting the very launch of the Fox Box, as you'll see on the box art. This disc may only have the first three episodes of the show, but it super makes up for it with a plethora of special features, more than any of the DVDs I currently own, and that they strangely enough don't tell you about on the box. And speaking of the box, though you might not see it, the episode descriptions on the back are written entirely in comic sans. Yeah, it's clear to see 4Kids wasn't quite as sharp as they would be in the next few years... and the DVD menus are also written entirely in this font. But that doesn't take away from the outstanding value. much like the Fright to the Finish DVD, this one's special features are split between two menus. For this one, there's "More Kirby" and "Added Attractions," which is the far superior one, but more on that in a minute. The More Kirby menu features a character gallary telling you about the main cast, set to music from the show. Then there's "Kirbyoke," which is there to teach the kids the words to the theme song. And finally, we have a preview for the next DVD in the series, which at that point hadn't a proper name, so Mike Pollock's voice just refers to it as "Kirby Right Back at Ya Volume 2." Then, in the "Added Attractions" menu, we have a promo for Cubix - Robots for Everyone's first DVD release, a short promo for the newly-launched FoxBox.TV website, and the star of this review by far, "What's Inside The Fox Box?!" This incredible 14 minute long promo (which you can find on Youtube, by the way,) previews every single show in the Fox Box's initial lineup as a way of hyping up the network for it's September 2002 launch. Well, kind of... You see, 4Kids made multi-minute promos for their own productions, complete with plot synopses by Mike Pollock and others and theme songs for the shows. Meanwhile, Stargate Infinity, a third-party show, only got a promo featuring still images of the main cast, a paper-thin explanation of the plot and no opening, all clocking in at under a minute. So, yeah, pretty lame move on 4Kids part, but at least we get to see HD footage of 4Kids lost Ultraman Tiga dub. Ultimately, it's a really fun promo from 4Kids' very beginnings as a dedicated children's entertainment company, even though it uses some uncut clips of guns in Fighting Foodons since the dub wasn't finished at that point. One last thing to point out: the promo for Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (which hadn't even started production at the time,) features an unused theme song demo for the series which also made it's way onto the illusive Fox Box CD. So there you have it, one of the DVDs that started it all. Thanks for reading about it, as well as my other items this week. I will be back with more next week, so hang in there, and I'll see you all next time. Take care!

#4Kids #4Kids TV #4Kids Anime #4Kids Dub #4Kids Entertainment #Kirby #Kirby Right Back at Ya #Kirby of the Stars #Winx Club #Books #Fox Box #DVDs #Cartoons

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constantlyirksome · 5 years

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Pose 2x03: Love, Death, and Dorian Corey. (Review.)

Just as the House of Evangilista delved into real-world politics in the season premiere, this week on pose mother Elektra’s gruesome storyline mirrored a very real scandal. While the episode also included a much sweeter subplot (more on that in a sec, it gave me life!) the main thread involved the death of one of Elektra’s clients during their session. Scared of being charged with a crime that was in no way her fault, she takes some drastic measures to deal with the body.

The method’s Elektra and miss Candy use to seal and stowed the body come from real reports from the house of Dorian Corey, a ballroom era drag queen who found fame as one of the girls from Paris is Burning, giving the girls lessons on reading and shade. After her death a body was found in her closet, mummified and preserved. (Read the story here.) While there’s no way of knowing why Dorian did what she did, Elektra’s reasoning was pretty sound. She was a black trans woman, a sex worker, and if she were to be found with the body of a white CEO it’d be game over. It may be different if she actually caused the death, but she didn’t.

So it becomes a story about the vilification of trans women, and of black women, which is a real, current problem, so you could see why some people would be more sympathetic with Elektra. At first she goes to Blanca, a woman of strong moral character who as Candy puts it “believes that the right thing to do is the best thing to do.” She wants to call the cops. Elektra doesn’t, so she calls Miss Candy.

I love Candy, and I truly hate how some of the other characters treat her because she’s strong-willed or a little explosive. But the way she put her anger aside to help Elektra and Blanca is a beautiful thing. She enlists the help of Euphoria, a trans girl who’s had previous issues with the law, played by drag race alumn Peppermint. Euphoria puts the fear of Jesus into Elektra and convinces her to go to Ms. Orlando, the woman who gave Candy some shoddy butt implants last season. Ms. Orlando knows how to deal with situations like this, so they do, in a truly disturbing montage as they prep and stow a body to some catchy theme music.

It’s a sad look at how pressured these communities feel to stay out of the way of the law because the law just doesn’t work on their side. But it was a special thing to watch the three women work together and support each other. And Miss Orlando is hilarious so the story never got too grim.

The little moment between Elektra and Blanca, where Blanca pleads her mother to call the police, that’s very sweet as the two women clearly still have a lot of love for each other. Elektra also knows Blanca isn’t the type of girl who could suppress the guilt or horror of dealing with the body without it getting to her so she sends her to her room… In her own house. Because Elektra is iconic. She ends the episode with this powerful sentiment: “The game ain’t fair. We may cut each other up like a pack of alley cats but when the outside world tries to tear us down, this army closes ranks.” A REALLY good message to end pride month, it’s comforting knowing the community has that power to support each other when the world is against us.

Janet Mock, who wrote and directed this episode always gives such care and thought into every choice she makes for these characters. She wouldn’t have taken on something so heavy if it weren’t anchored in reality, and didn’t have the chance to send a positive overall message. With her at the helm, you know that the show is going to go down the right route.

The second story of the episode was much, much sweeter. Angel and Lil Papi have been circling each other, romantically, the last couple episodes and this episode they finally make it official! After a super cute kiss in the park, they set up a date. However, Angel gets an offer for a dream modeling job that clashed with the time they set up. A gorgeous montage of Angel posing and working it out is cut with a devastating photo of Papi in a tux, holding roses, waiting for her at a fancy restaurant. Now I’m not fully condoning her behavior, it was 1990 they didn’t have cell phones whatever. But as Papi says, later on, you can’t get mad at her for doing what she had to do to change her life in a way that didn’t seem possible. Still, Papi lets her know, in one of the most mature speeches I’ve ever heard a man give, that he isn’t playing. She’s his dream girl and is willing to shower her with unconditional love, and support, but sometimes she has to think of him too because he’s also a prize. And he is seriously, every episode his stock just keeps rising, he’s handsome, hard-working, compassionate and loyal. They could be the ultimate power couple if they sort some of the smaller things out. I am VERY excited to see them thrive.

#pose #pose fx #blanca evangelista #mj rodriguez #pray tell #billy porter #angel evangelista #indya moore #elektra #dominique jackson #lil papi #angel bismark curiel

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aion-rsa · 4 years

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The Watch: Discworld Series Cast, Photos and Details for BBC America Adaptation

https://ift.tt/3ah6Avo

A corner of Terry Pratchett’s classic Discworld series will be adapted for the small screen by BBC America in The Watch.

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The sprawling universe of Terry Pratchett’s Discworld, a comic fantasy series of novels that has long since reached classic status, is getting a television adaptation treatment courtesy of BBC America in the form of a new original scripted series, The Watch, but the show will necessarily narrow its focus to the misfit cops that inhabit a subset of stories in the beloved series. BBC America will co-produce with Narrativia, and Simon Allen (The Musketeers) will pen the series with Hilary Salmon (Luther) at the helm.

The Watch's 8-episode inaugural season will follow the legendary City Watch along with recognizable characters such as Captain Sam Vimes, the last scion of nobility Lady Sybil Ramkin, the naïve but heroic Carrot, the mysterious Angua, the ingenious non-binary forensics expert Cheery, and Pratchett’s iconic characterization of Death. The series is described as a character-drive, punk rock thriller which will follow the City Watch “as they fight to save a ramshackle city of normalized wrongness, from both the past and future in a perilous quest.”

Here's everything we know about BBC America's The Watch:

The Watch Photos

The first official images of BBC America's The Watch have arrived, showcasing a gritty, levity-infused story centered on an embattled post-apocalyptic constabulary.

The Watch Story

As the official synopsis for The Watch reads:

Set in the fictional city of Ankh-Morpork, where crime has been legalized, The Watch is a uniquely anarchic drama. The series centers on a group of misfit cops as they rise up from decades of helplessness to save their corrupt city from catastrophe. The Watch is an inclusive genre-bending series inspired by the legendary ‘City Watch’ subset of Sir Terry Pratchett’s bestselling “Discworld” novels and its many iconic characters.

The Watch Release Date

We don't yet know specifically when BBC America will premiere The Watch, but we know it is slated to drop sometime in 2020. The series started filming in Cape Town, South Africa back on September 30th.

The Watch Cast

The announced cast of BBC America's The Watch consist of the following:

Richard Dormer (Game of Thrones) is set to lead the cast of The Watch. Dormer will play Sam Vimes, "Captain of The Watch, disempowered by a broken society that’s reduced his department’s jurisdiction to almost nothing." As Dormer said of joining the project: “I’m so thrilled to be part of this brilliant madness and mayhem! I was immediately drawn to the multitude of layers to Sam Vimes, and I find the dynamic between him and his band of disenfranchised comrades very compelling.”

Jo Eaton-Kent (Don’t Forget The Driver) is Constable Cheery, "the ingenious non-binary forensics expert, ostracized by their kin and finding a new home and identity."

Adam Hugill (1917) will play Constable Carrot, "the idealistic new recruit, raised by dwarfs, but really a human abandoned at birth."

Marama Corlette (Blood Drive) is Corporal Angua, "tasked with Carrot’s training and keeping the rookie alive."

Lara Rossi (Crossing Lines) has taken on the role of Lady Sybil Ramkin, "last scion of Ankh-Morpork’s nobility, who’s trying to fix the city’s wrongs with her chaotic vigilantism."

Sam Adewunmi (The Last Tree) is "the wounded and wronged Carcer Dun, out to hijack destiny itself, take control of the city and exact a terrible revenge on an unjust reality." Yikes!

Anna Chancellor (Pennyworth) is set to star as Lord Vetinari, The Patrician of Ankh-Morpork, and architect of the city’s normalized wrongness and ramshackle system of governance.

James Fleet (Outlander) will play The Archchancellor, a wizard, magical advisor, and the Head of the Unseen University.

Ingrid Oliver (Doctor Who) stars as the Head of The Assassins’ Guild, Doctor Cruces.

Ruth Madeley (Years and Years) will portray the wiry Throat, the city’s best snitch, with a gang of freelance henchmen at her beck and call.

Hakeem Kae-Kazim (Dynasty) will play Captain John Keel, former leader of The Watch and mentor to Sam Vimes (Richard Dormer), determined to save the corrupt and chaotic city.

Bianca Simone Mannie (Homeland) stars as the cunning Wonse, a wizard hopeful in waiting that is frequently underestimated.

The Water Writers & Director

In addition to Simon Allen as head writer, the following writers have been announced as part of the writing team for The Watch: Joy Wilkinson (Doctor Who), Catherine Tregenna (Torchwood), Amrou Al-Khadi (Little America), and Ed Hime (Skins).

The lineup of directors include Craig Viveiros (Agatha Christie’s And Then There Were None), Brian Kelly (Outlander) and Emma Sullivan (Doctor Who).

“The Watch has been startlingly reimagined for television by writer Simon Allen, while still cleaving to the humor, heart and ingenuity of Terry Pratchett’s incomparably original work,” said BBC America President, Sarah Barnett. “BBC America embraces what’s fresh and exhilarating in TV; we believe The Watch will astonish audiences.” “With events in our own world making the insanity of Discworld seem outrageously familiar, there couldn’t be a better time to bring Terry’s fun, fire, and fury back to the small screen or a better place than BBC America,” said Allen. “I’m grateful to them, BBC Studios and especially Rob Wilkins at Narrativia who has been a constant source of inspiration on this epic and emotional journey.” “The Watch is a distinctly British but defiantly global exhilarating thriller that is disruptive in its approach to the fantasy genre and also big on the themes of mortality, inclusion, alternative facts and justice,” Allen said of the series. “It’s a dizzying riot of hope, joy, suspense and audaciously dark humor. We can’t wait to work with BBC America to bring it all to life for existing fans and brand new audiences.” “Many years ago Terry made the brave decision to allow brand new Watch stories to be told with his existing characters,” Rob Wilkins, who will executive produce The Watch on behalf of Narrativia, said. “It’s taken a long time for anything to happen because we guard these characters with our very lives! So many of Terry’s biggest ideas seem more vital and urgent now than ever before and I am thrilled to be working with Simon and such a talented team, who understand the unique genius of their creator. They have really keyed into the subversive qualities of Terry’s voice and they clearly adore Discworld as much as I and millions of fans around the world do.”

The Watch joins the string of successful original scripted programming at BBC America including the Emmy-nominated Killing Eve starring Sandra Oh and Jodie Comer, the iconic series Doctor Who starring Jodie Whittaker, and the Golden Globe-winning Luther starring Idris Elba.

Read and download the Den of Geek Lost In Space Special Edition Magazine right here!

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Books

Michael Ahr Kayti Burt

Jan 17, 2020

BBC America

Terry Pratchett

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#aion-rsa #Books

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adambstingus · 5 years

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7 Dumb Back To The Future Products You Won’t Believe Existed

A good 80 percent of Cracked’s content is devoted to peeling back the kaleidoscopic layers of WTF-ness contained within Back To The Future, but this article isn’t about that. Nope, this is about an even more ridiculous topic: the many confounding ways people tried to squeeze big bucks out of the Back To The Future flicks.

This ordinary tale of a time-travelling eccentric and his pet teenager has spawned such baffling shit as …

#7. The Back To The Future Cartoon Was A Fucking Crazy Parade

As we’ve mentioned before on the site, Doc Brown’s character-concluding decision to father children with a historically dead woman and blast through time in a screeching lightning train was reckless at best. And so it’s only natural that the 1991 Back To The Future TV show would follow the horrific mishaps of this family, sandwiched with live-action science demonstrations by Christopher Lloyd and an oddly mute Bill Nye.

They’re like the Penn and Teller of mad science.

But despite its audience of the young and curious, an average episode of Back To The Future: The Animated Series played out like Rick And Morty episodes Adult Swim rejected for being too bleak. Don’t believe us? The pilot for the series starts with Doc’s younger son Verne stealing the time machine and traveling to the Civil War … followed by Doc finding a photo revealing that little Verne died for the Confederate Army.

“But hey, it says here that the Alabama chapter of the KKK is named in his honor.”

Doc eventually prevents this by creating a truce between Verne’s Confederate pals and the Union, and the gang happily flies home like they didn’t just irrevocably alter the outcome of a Civil War battle. That’s basically the story of the series, as Doc, Marty, and Doc’s kids manhandle historical moments while Doc’s wife Clara waits back home with sandwiches.

In the third goddamn episode, Doc brings his kids to the very moment the dinosaurs are wiped out by a meteor, saving the group by hastily stopping the comet and changing the future into a lizard-ruled wasteland. (One of said lizards looks like Biff, implying that a Tannen once fucked a dinosaur.)

This means that Doc is forced to go back and kill the dinosaurs himself, re-altering his actions so that the meteor gets back on a collision course with Earth … but not before one of his kids befriends a scared pterodactyl. So how does Doc handle this unfortunate attachment? Obviously, the rest of the series would involve the group goofing around with their adopted dino friend. I mean, otherwise, he’d have to …

… tear his son from the sobbing grasp of a doomed animal …

… stuff him into the time machine and fly away …

This also serves as the official series finale for The Flintstones.

… and watch as the comet tears through the atmosphere and vaporizes the boy’s dinosaur pal. That’s seriously what happens in the special “watch all the dinosaurs die” episode of this nightmare series. Happy Saturday morning, assholes!

#6. A Japanese Video Game Made BTTF 2 Into Crazy-Ass Anime

Anyone who played the early Back To The Future Nintendo games knows that whoever made them clearly didn’t bother to see the movies. Either that, or Back To The Future Part III cut a scene in which Marty ingests a crazy amount of peyote and starts seeing mutant cow men everywhere.

Presumably named “Beef Tannen.”

The Japan-only Back To The Future Part II Super Famicom game, on the other hand, tried to follow the plot of movie … and somehow ended up being even weirder. You control Marty, who spends the entire time on his hoverboard — because, realistically speaking, if you owned a hoverboard, why the fuck would you ever not be flying around on it?

The game starts on a grimly prescient note, with trigger-happy 2015 cops shooting at Marty for no apparent reason.

When we reach the alternate 1985, Marty goes around fighting disoriented crackheads, mistaking their agonized gasps for taunting chicken noises. Marty then discovers his murdered father’s tombstone, and he … seems pretty copacetic with this development, all things considered.

Doc, on the other hand, turns into an angry pink Gollum.

If you’ve ever wanted to see these iconic moments reimagined as demented Sailor Moon episodes, you’re in luck. When Marty discovers the 1950s girlie mag instead of the sports almanac, the mere sight of boobs gives him a stroke.

Which is weird, because this is after meeting his mother’s gargantuan dystopian breasts. Marty’s perma-smirk in that scene is somehow even creepier than when he was standing at his dead dad’s grave.

Also, why are they in the Technodrome?

By the time Biff seemingly vampire-bites the almanac away from Marty and gets covered in a sea of 16-bit horseshit, you’ll probably never see Back To The Future the same way ever again.

“I won’t close my mouth. I deserve this.”

And speaking of which …

#5. A Hot Wheels Biff Car … Complete With Manure

There aren’t a ton of Back To The Future toys, but the ones that do exist are mostly DeLorean-based. There’s a DeLorean Lego set, a remote-control DeLorean, and even a Power-Wheels-esque DeLorean for ’80s kids whose parents wanted them to explore their confused Oedipal feelings outside the house.

Sadly, this kid was easily taken out by Libyan terrorists.

So it’s only natural that the DeLorean be adopted by stalwart toy car company Hot Wheels. Recently, the company decided to expand their Back To The Future line to include not only Doc’s DeLorean …

Oh, sorry. Doc’s “Time Machine of Indeterminate Brand.”

And Marty’s sweet 4×4 …

“Complete with two coats of wax and Fat Biff’s tears!”

And even Biff Tannen’s Ford Super Deluxe Converti– oh, shit.

You can get a non-poopy version for an extra $300.

Yes, they produced a beautiful classic automobile overflowing with rancid manure, as seen in that scene and that other scene and that variation of the scene. It looks like an amusing Internet Photoshop job, but it’s a real toy which you could go buy right now … or, you know, make at home yourself with a toy car and some laxatives.

Couldn’t Hot Wheels have mass-produced Doc’s hover-train? Or one of those kickass police cars from 2015? Nope. Instead, we get the shit-encrusted rapemobile. Think of all the ways kids could play with this. “Oh no, Biff’s car got covered in manure … again …” Assuming your kid even knows what Back To The Future is, how are they supposed to integrate Biff’s car with their other Hot Wheels products?

“Yes! The race is delayed due to track turds!”

#4. ZZ Top Turns All The Characters Into Ogling Creeps

Along with “The Power of Love,” Huey Lewis and the News wrote “Back In Time,” the surprisingly engaged recounting of the events of Back To The Future from Marty’s perspective. Sadly, we were less lucky with ZZ Top’s “Doubleback,” a jabbering spray of temporally-themed rhymes in no way related to the third film.

The one band you’d think you could trust to hitch their beer-drinking, hell-raising wagon to Wake-Up Juice, but noooooo.

Now, “Doubleback” is a fucking abomination, an artistic charley horse clearly farted out 12 minutes from the studio call time. But then there’s the music video, which superimposes the band into random clips from the movie in such a disjointed, cookie cutter way that it comes alive like a serial killer’s scrapbook.

GOOF: ZZ Top were only teenagers in 1885, so they shouldn’t have beards yet.

It’s everyone’s third-favorite time travel movie, perpetually interrupted with the looming presence of three guys who look like the personification of bathroom assault. By the end, they’re literally sticking their faces over the action so that we don’t forget to be bummed out by their existence.

We’re all for them supplanting Marty’s mom in this scene to make it less creepy, though.

But the weird stuff begins when this monochromatic onslaught changes the movie’s finale to include a pimped-out ride randomly rolling into Marty’s standoff with Mad Dog Tannen …

… and releasing three jean-short bombshells of various ’90s fabric patterns and foxy accessories, to which the movie’s characters react with stock disbelief appropriated from the original scene.

OK, we have to admit that these guys clean up nicely when they shave.

That’s right — Doc reacting to Marty’s fakeout death is the same expression as his boner face. Or maybe he’s wondering how a Cadillac Sedanette went back in time without a bunch of nonsense sticking out of its hood. Either way: boner.

#3. Pizza Hut’s Back To The Future Ads Are Rather Sad In Retrospect

Having the ability to engorge on a puck of meat and cheese has been every child’s dream since Marty’s mom hydrated a Pizza Hut pizza in Back To The Future II.

The most fantastic concept here is a 2015 pizza without a gimmicky crust.

So delicious. At least, if you ignore the fact that eating a waterlogged dough slice sounds like a fucking nightmare, and that the Pizza Hut of this future solely makes the equivalent of microwave meals. In fairness, the brand’s own advertising campaign had a slightly different take on their role in the future:

Their kinder, gentler take on Robocop was probably their lamest (and most inaccurate) prediction of all.

According to one 1989 commercial, the Pizza Huts of 2015 are built like techno mosques. It makes sense in the context of the ad, which begins with two unknown ruffians taking the DeLorean out for a spin, presumably after swiping the keys from Doc Brown’s ransacked corpse.

To save you 15 minutes on IMDb: It’s Mikey from Parker Lewis Can’t Lose.

The ne’er-do-wells zoom to 2015, where, to the sad grumbles of their stomachs, they find the streets barren of any pizza eateries, as Domino’s has long been converted into a hardware chain. Luckily, there’s still one place in business, and it’s the all-hail Pizza Hut temple.

The Noid was executed after a show trial in ’94.

It’s unclear why a restaurant that makes cookie-sized products needs multiple neon spires, but it probably has to do with the announcer’s assertion that, even in the future, Pizza Hut is the “only one place to get a great pizza.” The fact that Pizza Hut was envisioning an all-exclusive Demolition Man scenario with their brand is made that much more heartbreaking by the company’s actual 2015 situation:

Also depressing: the current state of journalism, since no one realized this graphic should be a pie chart.

Turns out that all the movie projector pizza boxes and eye-tracking tablet menus in the world can’t get us to that Utopian Italian palace where dressing like it’s the ’80s is still hip and (according to another tie-in ad) absolutely everyone wears futuristic solar shades.

The nuclear fallout has melted all of our eyes by now.

#2. Doc Brown Teamed Up With Doogie Howser For Earth Day

Back in 1990, people were really committed to saving the environment … as long as the extent of that commitment was appearing in some kind of extravagant TV special instead of cutting back on fossil fuels. Regardless, this newly-discovered sense of eco-awareness led to one of the craziest moments in pop culture: The Earth Day Special.

The special starred a slew of wacky creatures, like the Muppets and Danny DeVito and E.T., who looks to have been living in a filthy alley since the events of his film.

He’ll touch you with his “magic finger” for $5 and some Reese’s Pieces.

Since this was the year that Back To The Future Part III came out, Doc Brown naturally joined the cross-promotional fray. Who better to promote environmental activism than a guy who hoards large quantities of plutonium in a garage in a residential neighborhood?

The loose plot of the special is about the personification of Mother Earth dying. Doc Brown shows up in his DeLorean and offers his assistance to the doctor in charge of healing Mrs. Earth — who, because this was 1990, is Doogie Fucking Howser.

“Not even Edward James Olmos’ mustache could revive her.” “We’re doomed.”

Doc whips out his suitcase TV and shows them footage of how screwed over the Earth is, which is kind of a dick move, considering how she’s right over there. It doesn’t help that the clips are seemingly stock footage pretentiously edited together by first-year film students.

“What are those ladies doing with that cup …?” “Whoops, wrong year.”

As always, Doc ends up finding the solution: science! Not any specific science but, like, the act of reading and shit. Look, it was 6 a.m. and someone wanted to finish that goddamn children’s TV show script already.

#1. The Back To The Future Novelization Gets Dark

Movie novelizations are generally terrible, but the one for Back To The Future takes it to a whole new level. It’s the Back To The Future of bad literary cash-ins.

“What do you mean it’s not about a kid with a camera who farts fireworks?” — the author, probably

The book opens with a vivid description of a dead family getting bent out of shape by the detonation of a nuclear bomb, which turns out to be a scene from a film Marty is watching. This never comes up again in the book — because the author is too busy thinking up even crazier, tangentially BTTF-related shit. For instance, we get a scene featuring the Libyan terrorists casually hanging out in a shitty motel, which answers the question you always had: Yes, one of them is a psychotic former fashion model.

You can only be told to look “sexy like tiger” so many times before something inside snaps.

And she doesn’t mind offing Doc Brown because he … “looks Jewish.”

Doc goes commando in his jumpsuits in this version.

Even when it’s a scene we recognize from the movie, the author’s prose manages to make everything seem a tiny bit seedier:

Not that “Let’s hire your attempted rapist as our live-in manservant” is any less creepy.

The novel also features the most disturbing context for the phrase “giggled naughtily” in all of fiction:

A parent’s naughty giggling is typically reason #1 Protective Services gives when taking away their child.

The whole book is so bizarre and creepy that it wouldn’t be surprising to learn that it was imported from the shitty alternate 1985. And we’re only scratching the surface here. A whole other book could be written just pointing out all the fucked up moments, page by page. Did we say “could”? We meant “someone on the Internet did exactly that.”

from All Of Beer http://allofbeer.com/7-dumb-back-to-the-future-products-you-wont-believe-existed/ from All of Beer https://allofbeercom.tumblr.com/post/181924707857

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allofbeercom · 5 years