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thedysphoriadiaries · 2 years

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Entry 11B - I'm taking this transgender thing too seriously - February 24, 11:50pm

Care to explain why I'm having intrusive thoughts?

I sure as hell don't mind if you don't understand.

Hell, I'm even beginning to think that this issue of mine is a first-world problem. After all, who the fuck cares about their gender when they know they could die to anything, at any time?

I don't know why I'm like this. I've resolved to try not to look at women when I'm out and about.

Yet, I do. It's unavoidable.

What do I do now? Move to Saudi Arabia? Syria? Repress by telling myself that when I'm done with transitioning (it's likely to be a decade-long affair), I'd have missed out on too much of life to make up? Accept that I'll never be a girl? Internalize the narrative that I'm the one with the issue?

I'd rather be dead.

I'd rather be dead over suffering like this, living in the liminality of screaming, “Why am I like this?”, over and over, and not getting an answer.

I'd rather be dead over feeling weird amongst guys.

I'd rather be dead over being a burden.

I'd traumatize my family, but it's better then having my parents see their son turn into their daughter. Better than painting a huge fucking target on their backs for transphobic people.

Again, how much more of me must die so I keep walking this earth?

...

And yet, they (not my family; I'm out to my mom and my brother, but not my dad, and they're cool with it; i refer to some of the people I hang out with) talk about it as if living as someone who's not me, is easier.

Eh bro, I've got something important, it's more important that your transgender thing.

You're taking this transgender thing too seriously, my guy.

Being trans is a first-world issue. (this came from me, to myself)

So, I'm the one doing all this shit for attention, huh? Being bisexual, only to turn trans. What's coming next? (What I think my cousin(s) will say)

I told you there's something wrong; you're not trans, [DEADNAME]. (What I think a classmate of mine would say; I told him I was a femboy, but he said no. Of course, he was right. I'm not one.)

I know the ones who spoke the first two sentences didn't mean it. I can't be so sure about the one who spoke the second sentence, though.

It doesn't make it hurt less.

I don't like being called a bro. Other guys don't want to be called bros. They don't want to be girls too.

What is wrong with me?

What is wrong with my own programming, that makes me want to be a girl?

...

just kill me already; I don't see a future for myself anymore.

If I'm too much of a coward to do it via alcohol, I'll just shoot myself.

i'll just need to be patient enough.

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carolap53 · 2 years

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Move On! TGIF Today God Is First Volume 1 by Os Hillman

01/14/2023

..."Why are you crying out to Me? Tell the Israelites to move on." - Exodus 14:15

Moses had brought the whole nation of Israel, approximately 600,000, to a dead end in the desert. The only thing between Israel and Pharaoh's pursuing army was the Red Sea. This was after ten plagues God had inflicted on Pharaoh to motivate him to free the Israelites. Finally, Pharaoh had freed Moses and the people, and they left Egypt. They thought they were home free. "Freedom at last," they said. But God did a strange thing. He directed Moses to take a route that led to the Red Sea, instead of the northern route around the Red Sea. God explained that He didn't want them fighting the enemies they would have encountered on this route. But still, there was the issue of the Red Sea.

They finally arrived at the Red Sea, and the people were wondering where they would go from there. News hit the camp: Pharaoh had changed his mind. He was coming after them with his army. Panic set in. The defenseless Israelites cried out,

"Was it because there were no graves in Egypt that you brought us to the desert to die?...It would have been better for us to serve the Egyptians than to die in the desert!" (Ex. 14:11b-12)

God sometimes brings each of us to a "Red Sea" in our life. It may be a work problem that can't be solved. It may be a marriage that seems to be failing. It may be a debilitating disease. Whatever your Red Sea, God tells us one thing: "Keep moving." The Red Sea was before them, yet God was angered at Moses and told him to "Keep moving."

"But Lord, the Red Sea is before me." "Keep moving." When we live by sight, we act on what we see. God sets this stage in dramatic fashion. God is into the dramatic. There is no way out without God here. That is just the way He wants it. No one will get glory except God.

A friend once admonished me when I was in the midst of an extremely difficult time in my life, "You must not withdraw from being proactive in your faith just because of this trial that you are in. God's hand is on your life. There are too many who are depending on you to fulfill the purposes God has in your life. Keep moving! Keep investing yourself in others." I didn't feel like it. I was in too much pain. But I did it anyway. God met me at the point of my greatest need once I decided simply to be obedient. Getting past myself by investing myself in others helped heal the pain. There is great healing when we look past our own problems and seek to invest ourselves in others for the sake of Christ. This is when our own Red Seas become parted. We begin to walk to freedom. But we will never experience the miracle of the Red Sea in our lives if we don't first "Keep moving."

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darealsaltysam · 3 years

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this trailer is so bisexual

#hot people. hot people everywhere #the walking dead #twd #twd 11b #the walking dead 11b #twd mercer #general mercer #twd magna #yumiko okumura #maggie rhee #maggie greene #rosita espinosa #negan smith #king ezekiel #twd ezekiel #carol peletier

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vvalliu · 3 years

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#twd #the walking dead #TWD 11.10 #TWD 11x10 #the walking dead 11.10 #the walking dead 11x10 #king ezekiel #carol peletier #Carol x Ezekiel #twd family #couple #ezekiel twd #carol twd #my gifs #TWD 11b #the walking dead 11b

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allthegothihopgirls · 3 years

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!!!TWD 11x14 SPOILERS!!!

my take on the latest episodes of twd:

!!! heavy spoilers for twd 11x14 ahead !!!

before i get started, sorry for being inactive, i got caught up in school stuff and then got covid on friday. doing a lot better now though. rlly missed doing this :)

its been a while since i’ve done one of these, mainly due to the fact that i didn’t actually watch the latest three episodes until today. but now i’ve had lots of free time to catch up. i did consider making individual posts for each episode but decided against it as i’ve found myself not as interested in these episodes compared to the first couple of 11b, so take this post as a general take rather than strictly for 11x14.

anyways, enough about me, let’s discuss

i’m not too sure if it’s just me, but i’ve found myself a lot less interested in 11b compared to when the trailers were released, not because it’s boring (imo it’s been excellent so far) but because it’s missing something. i couldn’t quite put my finger on it, but i came to the conclusion that it’s because of how wide-spread everything is becoming. i feel as though all the characters are becoming absurdly distant and hard to keep up with, especially with all the side characters there are nowadays, and although relevant to the plot it still annoyed me, that was until i realised it was all intentional.

what has happened every other time like this? although this example is miniscule in comparison, remember when the prison group took in the woodbury citizens? it was short-lived, and made the characters quite hard to keep up with for a little, but it was all relevant.

we then saw the governers final attack, which took out the filler characters and left the core group closer than ever. the plot needed that “wow factor” to give the group another reason to trust each other like family. imagine if the governer had attacked in a circumstance where they hadn’t taken in extras and it was just the core group to begin with, there’s multiple flaws:

1. it wouldn’t have set up for the realistic amount of character deaths, ultimately leaving a mc to die, which in turn sets up for an unnecessary grief period

2. the core group’s main bond is over the fact that even though they’ve come from many different periods in the plot, all from different backgrounds, they all survived. they’ve survived against all odds, even though almost everyone else they’ve been with haven’t made it. not having those filler characters die to accentuate the fact doesn’t bring in the same sentiment.

you get the point

i’m currently under the impression that we are going to see history repeat itself one final time in this regard. the characters being distant right now is still very frustrating, but it keeps me hopeful for what’s to come. (especially about how big that event that brings them back must be, they’re more distant than we’ve ever seen, and former repercussions of that have been massive, what could be in store this time??)

at the moment though i do dearly miss the closeness of the characters that we saw in moments such as the lead up to terminus where there was only a core group of characters with no side pieces to distract them.

in terms of 11x14:

(fore-warning most of this is about negan lmfao, absolutely in love with him atm) point 1 OMG THE LYDIA AND NEGAN REUNION!!! almost had me in tears “hey kiddo” fdosjdfds WITH THE HEAD MOVEMENT TOO, enough to make a grown man cry :’) point 2 i really liked the scene between annie and maggie, annie was saying everything the viewers wanted to say. i truly do believe that negan has changed, and what she said has really confirmed to me that he is a different person canonically. it was also really refreshing to see someone actually tell maggie that she can’t hold onto who negan was forever. i understand her pain, and i do understand that she shouldn’t have to forgive just because negan wants to, but it’s dragging on too far. maggie needs to realise that she’s just as wrong as negan has been.

i think maggie has finally realised that she’s holding a grudge against a changed man. negan has so much loyalty to her that is completely disregarded. maggie’s reaction to negan telling her that “it’d have to happen to me first” before he would let hershel get hurt was really heartwarming as well, it was like a switch just flicked.

point 3 sebastian can die.

point 4 “are you a bad man?” “i was” THE WHOLE SCENE MAN, SO AWESOME negans monologue was really reminiscent as well, what he said about just because he might deserve to die for being a bad man doesn’t mean that everyone else deserves to die (because if hershel killed him they would all be found out and killed) really hit hard. it reminded me of the line up, negan killed glenn (ik abe died to but this is about glenn) because he was associated with who he thought to be the “bad man in charge” which wasn’t right. further proving my point that negan is a changed man.

point 5 daryl and rosita man. so wholesome how much they’re willing to give up for their kids. i hope daryl kills sebastian.

i knew from the second guns started firing that it was mercer, which was relieving because i knew he would understand what was going on. i also loved how daryl didn’t even have to defend himself when mercer told him he was under the impression they were stealing money. man, mercer didn’t even believe what he was saying lmfao

point 6 “it’s that goddamn priest again” captured absolutely everyone’s reaction to a tee, in a good way though. when the guy (forgot his name lol) said that, i was celebrating behind the screen because i knew gabe and aaron were about to pull some epic shit. aaron got me so happy though. i was celebrating so hard when elijah came out with his weapon and again when aaron shot the bitch off the roof. amazing scene visually.

point 7 i was going to go on about how carol’s back on her badass era shit, but then hornsby pulled out the walkie and i figured that he knows.

however, i still want to believe that carol is 10 steps ahead and ready to serve him some cookies. also that look she gave when she turned away?? actually terrifying. i hope hornsby’s ready to look at the flowers.

point 8 negan with kids. i really appreciate the way negan interacts with the kids, it’s the gym teacher coming out in him. we saw it with judith, we saw it with lydia, and now hershel. it’s really refreshing to see him treat them as equals, like when he got down on his knees to be at hershels level, or when he said to judith “i like to swear in front of my friends”

i’m a little confused on where hershel stands with negan now though, especially after the last scene where he death-stared him. point 9 for the love of god i’m done with leah.

now let’s talk predictions/questions:

- april (the woman in the office) was connected to tyler davis. reddit user u/mistertrouble189 pointed out that in the promo for 11x15, the name on the sheet of paper (the one from a few episodes ago with all the names of people connected to tyler) changed from april kelly in the original episode to april marten in the promo. take that how you will - stephanie. i called it. i deadass called it straight up in my 11x09 analysis.

- where are the others? the only downside to 11b so far has been the distance between characters. i just wanna know where characters like gracie, princess, jude’s friend, and connie and kelly are and what they’re doing. and luke! we saw oceanside but no luke, it’s so confusing

- one of my original predictions was hershel jr being in some kind of danger, and i am now being led to believe that him being hurt/kidnapped will be the premise of the negan and maggie spin off.

- i also predicted aaron’s death, and a lot of people are saying that he’s going to take rick’s comic death, which i can definitely see happening

-death predictions include:

1. gabriel i feel like his story is over. if he dies i don’t think i’ll even care that much (plot-wise, emotionally i’ll be destroyed, i love gabe sm)

2. mercer (maybe idk) with him it’s a 50/50, they’ll either leave him to live, or kill him to send a message that not standing out for the wrong will get you killed. we’re already seeing this a bit, with daryl standing up for himself in front of seb, but mercer still giving him the money

3. aaron will prolly get rick’s comic death

4. NOT rosita will be crushed if she dies, but they are setting her up as a “main” main character this season, i have hope for her.

5. sebastian i don’t care how he dies, but i need him dead.

6 months later scene

i’m beginning to see how it’s all supposed to seem at the hilltop scene. the way i see it, daryl, rosita, and co are oblivious to the outside corruption in the commonwealth, whereas aaron, gabe, maggie, etc are oblivious to the inside corruption in the commonwealth. it all adds up for a midseason finale that leaves the audience conflicted as to who’s the good people, because everyone is in the right, just unknowing to some things. i’m open to any ideas you guys have

on another note

are we going to talk about sarah callies new ig post?? actually sobbing

i told my dad about it bc he watches twd and i was complaining about how swc does not have the right to tug on my heartstrings like that, and he’s like “but how does that work? carl’s dead” THATS THE WHOLE POINT, he forgot that lori was dead for a solid 30 seconds though lmfao. i think he understood me after he remembered that

excited for next weeks episode! until next time friends :) (also i NEED a negan and jude reunion by the end of the season)

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