#the whole aim was stupid but she intimately understands that loss does that to you. hollows out heart and brain.

[eclipsecrowned]

on the other hand though....

'i was going to give her my child (…) she said she'd raise it, teach it magic, take care of it.'

[a party tank must get a firm grasp on hel lest she explode bigger than netherese magic]

[12-99-30]

Unorganized Thoughts from April

*Warning: contains a lot of unnecessary quotes. It’s the 2012 Tumblr in me that can’t escape*

Each month I feel like I’m a different version of myself than I was before. I’m tracking progress where there are days that I’m excelling, and days where I feel like I’m exactly where I started. I don’t realize how fast time is moving, and how much I’m growing with each passing day until I find myself in a different spot with a different mindset than before. 

April was the first full month of experiencing quarantine lock-down. Most mornings, I start off by listening to The Daily podcast and try to wrap my head around this new normal. We probably won’t get to experience “normalcy” until at least another year, and that’s generous. Even with the production of a vaccine, there’s the issue of mass-production and mass-distribution. We also need to consider priority to people who are most vulnerable. Even then, the virus will still be spreading. I’m mourning the lost luxuries of everyday life (*sighs*). 

The first two weeks of April in lock-down were therapeutic. I’m privileged enough to look at this quarantine as a time to slow down, pause, and invest in things I’ve been putting off. I know many families in the world can’t experience that right now. This is a financially stressful time for most, and a period of prolonged anxiety and fear. I’m sorry if this post offends anyone. 

Being inside protected me from the outside world. Somehow, the idea of the world stopping put a cap on how much of my worries could grow. I wake up with assurance that my mom will be sitting on her blue exercise ball, greeting me with a warm “Good morning, darling” as she does her work in the kitchen. My dad will be sitting in his dining room chair, on the phone yelling at his coworker who he refuses to acknowledge as a friend. If it’s past 10 AM, N-- will be playing Animal Crossing on the Switch or “working”.  Y-- will be comfortably sleeping in bed after a night of playing Fortnite until 4 AM. There is always an aroma circulating around the house - baked banana bread, chocolate oatmeal cookies, brownies, or even dumplings. In quarantine, I’m able to control the things around me to maximize my time and well-being. I am grateful to have so many things to celebrate during this time. 

But like all things of this earth, it leans towards corruption. As the weeks inside passed, my indulgence in anxiety-ridden, thoughts became overwhelming.

My 83 year old grandma got COVID-19. I was never close with her, so I had this guilt sensation that I should’ve been feeling more worried, scared, and saddened, when I didn’t. Instead I felt weighted by the sight of my dad feeling helpless.  The “strongest” man of the family suddenly transformed into a man of anger, tears, and a man desperate to make up for lost years. It’s times like these where you learn to apply everything the church is teaching you; to not live in fear, to love thy neighbor, and to seek God fervently. I attest that it’s so much easier said than done. 

As a person popped into my life for a passing moment, I felt like a girl ready to ditch her antibiotics just because the symptoms were being relieved. But J-- C-- (of course lol), sent me this piece of wisdom:

5 Better is open rebuke

    than hidden love.

6 Faithful are the wounds of a friend;

    profuse are the kisses of an enemy.

As the cheesy, Tumblr, teenage, coming-of-age, film quote states: “We accept the love we think we deserve.” Since tasting the love of God, I realize I deserve so much more. I deserve a friend who is honest, who values me, who won’t make me feel like I’m a choice out of convenience. A friend who comes clean of all things the first time. If this is him, trying to sweep the guilt for the pain he caused me under a rug, I don’t want it. If this is him trying to hold onto to two worlds, I withdraw from this game. I am slowly learning how to die to myself. To not let my emotions rule, and submit to the wisdom of Jesus. I’m working through forgiveness, but texted-apologies are empty unless there is action. Action has continuously proven to me that selfishness will continue to rule. 

“When someone shows you who they are, believe them.” - Maya Angelou

I believe what I saw. I believe what I continue to see. Until God takes hold, I refuse to fall into quicksand again. 

But even understanding these truths, there were many days where I slipped. It felt like I was chained to the thought of them, weighing me down and disrupting my peace of mind. There continued to times where I got vivid memories of everything. How it felt to read those texts that they were in NOVA, to see the location and know she was there, to have to take an exam with a hole in my gut. I feel chained to this embarrassment and shame that I was so ~stupid~ to miss him while he was in Richmond, DC, and her apartment. To convince myself that I was somehow on his mind. To not feel like a failure in all of this. I’m reliving these things over and over and I just want to escape. But God is calling me to remember it all. To remind myself to not be foolish. To put up a guard and draw closer to Him. 

I reread 2 Corinthians 4 many times this month, each time with a new reason (and sometimes the same). 

“8 We are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not driven to despair; 9 persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed;” 

 “ 16 So we do not lose heart. Though our 17 outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day.  For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, 18 as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal.”

Light and momentary compared to the eternal weight of glory. 

The mourning of COVID-19 and my own heartbreak feels like forever. But in this life - it’s so short. It’s passing. There is a Forever with God to remind me that this pandemic, this grief, and this anxiety will pass. The spiritual transformation that God intends for us through our struggles is to make us more like Jesus. This is an invitation to let God do deep work in us. To strip us down of everything and turn us into something beautiful. Suffering is one of the few things that can turn us into the image of Jesus, but only if we let him. Only if we have the capability to be honest with ourselves to say that we want to surrender our whole life to Him. Live like God is among us, because He is. 

“Aim at heaven, you will get earth thrown in. Aim at earth, you get neither.” - C.S. Lewis 

I get to ~proudly~ say that I’m not perfect by any standards. But I am working on the person I am becoming, and focusing less on the final product of my character. Pastor D.L. puts it plainly: “The secret to life is your life in secret”

Our public failure is always preceded by private failure. Success as a married person is your success as a single person. I am striving for success in all realms of my life. A heavenly mindset that everything in this life is temporary, but the person I am is the person that will meet the Father one day. I am working on patience and care within my family, the people I take most for granted. I want to be a person who everyone can rely on to be consistent. It starts within a home. 

A Moment of Gratitude: 

Despite being alone for most of quarantine, I’m thankful to never feel lonely. I’m thankful that despite church not meeting physically in-person, we’re able to continue to meet and cultivate faith in our own homes. I’m thankful for my friends who continue to hear me list the same problems time and time again, and reaffirm me that they are always walking beside me.

I’m thankful for this momentary affliction. It reminds me I’m human (lol), and I need God. People come out of suffering - in spite of the bitterness, devastation, and loss - as better people. They come out as the best of people. I’m starting to see resilience being built in my family and myself. A new definition of love. A holy mixture of patience and hope. 

I’ll end this post with a snippet of quarantine life: 

We gather around the family sofa, rewatching childhood videos. I could feel all our eyes glued to the screen; the room echoes with reminiscent laughter and immense warm gratitude fill our chests. The videos of raw scenes of sharing coco puffs in the morning seemed exciting. Walking around Georgetown was an adventure. To anyone else, these are poorly edited videos with no climax. But to us, it reminds me of where I’m rooted. That no matter what I’m doing, where I am, everyday is exciting when you’re surrounded by the people you love. Thank you, Dad for capturing the ordinary moments. I hope to share these videos with someone who finds beauty in these intimate videos. Who will feel what I felt and see what I see.