#there could be more im forgetting but yeah. thats the gist

[trolagygirl2022]

please I cant count how much 2 baddies and 1 porsche makes me cringe in fact any song that mention brand name or car name, just gives me the ick it seem kinda childish or overdone. even lisa song I think shes more good at fashion and conceptual based imagery than coming up with actual flow. flower is more my fave song in comparison bc i can listen to the whole song of jisoos with ease so its more pleasant for my ears to take

money for exampke was harsh to listen to except for that one segment that i think is the viral part of the song "my money moves" and so on was my fave bit. so in a way i do get why songs go viral for just that one part however i wish i could like the whole song rather than just one aspect of it and songs a getting too short for me to fully get into it. sometimes i also find skz music quite harsh on my sensitive ears. i want to love them as a group and i think theyre so funny and adorable / talented to watch as a whole but their songs just dont hit my vibes at all, currently ateez are my main loves but even their songs dont always hit and i think its more so the production (sorry joong i just dont like autotuned vocals in songs ok it only works for some instances not all of them. also im still waiting for more san solo stuff)

my problem with kpop as a whole is generally groups are getting too young thus so is their songs and its genuinely hard for me to find actual need to hard core stan a group if theyre like teens to early 20s bc i have such a huge age gap from them, come on kpop dont be like stale bread... and as older or same age groups go into military i kind of have to find someone else to follow in the mean time or i tend to find im prefering older music than current modern i guess tiktok related music.

my qualm with general music today compared to older music is i think i like how organic older music is or was in comparison, it was more naturally made than a computer made song not that they arent talented at what they do it just doesnt always vibe with me or sometimes the lyrics can be really off when u try to read them in english yet at the same time i get why these songs go viral but its not for the simple pleasures of listening to a good quality song. i think kpop when it sees what someone else is doing is popular someone else tries to replicate it instead of bringing something new or fresh in i actually think its terrified of being too individual and not standing out or not being viral

its kinda why ateez caught my attention and the mfs did just that (if only they had been an older age group sighhhhhhhhhhh) i love their concepts and overall talents oml theyre such an endless group with not having too many members (sorry nct but i forget ur names after the first 5 members ok) like theres often bits of songs i will skip but then i feel bad for not liking the entire song or thinking what i wouldve done or added differently to make it sound a better song or what english word i wouldve switched and so on just so it would rhyme better maybe thats what kpop lacks i like that it includes some random english lyrics but it often make no real sense to me

not like how id feel if i listened to green day or another familiar song where i already get the gist of the lyrics that have slightly better flow than some korean songs theyre not all bad its just not often as hit of a song as they might think it is if thst makes sense? sometimes it do be just the name or face of idol that make the song more relevant than what it deserves peekaboo is good example of nice flow and high note mix so is some of nct earlier songs or even jopping is catchy song as a whole its more listenable than their latest.

sorry for rambling hehe.

Idk but I LOVED money, I think it's better than Lalisa. Yeah I know it's not the best lyrically but it's too catchy, plus the dance is so fun! But yeah, I agree with you a lot. I like SKZ as a group but some of their songs are a bit too much for me. My favorite songs would be Domino, LALALA and Miroh. I think that their older work was better than what they're pumping out. (Sorry but their album with 5 Star was not it 😵‍💫 it was too obnoxious to my taste). Sure LALALA can be found obnoxious but idk, I think it's at a minimum, plus the instrumental is so freaking good! Yes I love ATEEZ!! I think they are a good example of more "unusual" songs that keep it to a minimum. The system is becoming like McDonald's, cheap stuff that don't leave you feeling the best after and takes your money (that's why Wendy's is better 😛). The NCT part is so true 😭 I usually listen to their songs if there is a part that's catchy but the rest of the song can be... well!

[meruz]

i havent answered asks in a long time and im probably missing a bunch but i figure better to do some than none at all so

topics addressed: x-men, art school, car seat headrest, heavypaint studies

1) Do you sell stickers or prints?

yes! and i totally have bi flag alfred up as a print... uh ... not stickers because i only have this inprnt store but yes. prints. definitely. right here

2) Are you fine if we do fanart of your jubilee design? 

OFC I AM i mean its already fanart in its own right also i dont own jubilee. if you do any fanart of any of my designs all i ask is that you please message me it when ur done because i want to see...! also sorry im answering this so late u probably dont care to do fanart of it anymore LOL....

3) Have you heard about x-men 97?

yes ofc I’m very excited! Well actually I’ve never been super into the x-men cartoons im rly a comics-only type... but I’m excited that x-men gets more animated stuff and that probably a lot of people will watch it and like the x-men bc of it ^^ furthermore i want marvel to hire me to work on it??? i know people who have freelanced for the show and i had to pretend to be normal and not incredibly jealous that someone else’s grubby hands were touching my favorite comics ip... anyways if any of u know someone who has connections to the show, hook me up LOL.

4)

this was a weird ask

1) is it ok to use your art as a wallpaper for my phone or computer?

the answer to this is literally in my FAQ but also someone asked me about hi-res wallpapers a while ago and i made a bunch downloadable on gumroad for a couple bucks I actually meant to take it down a while ago but i keep forgetting so.... get it before I remember again and take it down for real.

2) I was wondering if you went to an art school and if you think someone can make it in the industry without a degree in art or an associated field?

Yeah, I went to art school. I went to the Rhode Island School of Design because when I applied for colleges in like 2012 it was ranked the #1 fine arts program in the u.s. or something and I wanted to impress my parents and give them something to brag about to other parents. I mean there’s other reasons obviously but I think that was rly the gist of it and I try not to minimize it because the social pressure to “go to a good school” is enormous for a lot of people - certainly was for me! Do I think someone can make it in the [art] industry without a degree in art? YES. ABSOLUTELY. I feel like this might not be common knowledge for students or people outside the industry but I think you can ask almost every working professional artist and they either are or have coworkers who never went to art school. It’s absolutely Not a requirement for a job in the industry, people really only care about 1) your portfolio 2) professionalism I guess but i wouldn’t even really call it professionalism so much as i’d call it “being easy to work with”. I personally have worked with many artists who have come from STEM careers or community college courses etc. there’s of course huge exceptions like for instance if you’re a non-u.s. artist and want to work in the u.s. industry... not having a degree is a career-blocking hurdle for work visa/immigration stuff. But thats just it like at the end of the day an art degree is little more than paperwork.

for what its worth though I did enjoy going to art school a lot and I don’t regret it. Often times I even miss it! I could do without the debt (sizeable even with my scholarship taking the brunt of it) but I don’t consider it a life-ruining decision at the end of the day. 3) do you listen to car seat headrest?

does something about my art give off the vibes of someone who listens to car seat headrest.....?

I think I have one or two csh songs in my spotify likes. but i gotta be honest the only time i was able to listen to Beach Life in Death in full is via the glass beach cover.

4) how long do your heavypaint studies take, and do you do them on the spot in one sitting or work from a photo?

approximately 20-40 minutes! maybe pushing 50 if I’m distracted or stumped but I don’t think any of them have taken a full hour...I feel like i would know if they had. I try to do most of them on location! And if not, I always START on location, take a photo to remember and then finish it later when I’m in a more comfortable place or have more time. I feel like the observations I make in-person are important... they’re what inspire me to paint in the first place! And I only rly have interest in painting my personal experiences for these observational exercises so I try not to work from a photo of a place I haven’t been or a photo I haven’t taken myself.

[crimeronan]

i told the trc group chat “adam probably has so much trouble convincing people hes fully human and not fey” to which the response was “is he really sure though”

which naturally spawned “changeling adam parrish who thinks hes human”

which turned into a whole shitpost AU are yall ready

blue is the human child who was stolen and raised by faeries

“but gender??” you say. adams a trans guy and blue is nb and doesnt understand the gender binary because we in the trc group chat can do what we want

the women of fox way arent the ones who stole her or gave adam up, but they are the ones whove raised blue

piper greenmantle did the swap and then realized she didnt wanna raise a human baby any more than a fairy baby so she was like hey do u guys want this thing or should i leave it in the woods or what

(why piper?? because: its hilarious)

the women of fox way really really want adam too but theyre waiting to approach him until hes an adult because they assume he has a loving human family (he does not) and if hes gonna be part of their world he shouldnt have to choose between them

so adam grows up really insistent that hes human and confused about why hes so fucking weird and then figuring out the trans thing is like AHA THIS IS IT and then he still feels weird and figures out the bi thing like AHA THIS IS IT and then still feels weird and is like HOW MUCH INTROSPECTION DO YOU WANT ME TO DO, UNIVERSE

so everyones like 19 or 20 at this point, right

gansey is an avid faery researcher whose life was saved by the fey as a child and since then hes been desperately trying to find them to understand the Meaning of his Life

his asshole roommate ronan lynch has no problem believing in faeries and joining him on the search

his other roommate noah keeps joking about being fey

(hes not joking.)

(no one believes him.)

(replace the cheek smudge with glitter and one pointed ear and youve got the gist)

meeting adam ganseys immediately noting the uncanny ethereal things about him like “do you think hes.....?” and ronans like “nah hes just a loser”

blue brings adam to the fox way house one day knowing exactly who the fuck he is like “hello my lovely family. this is adam he doesnt have a place to spend the night so hes sleeping on the couch”

when adam does find out about the fey thing blue brings him to cabeswater (because this is the place the faeries live when theyre not pretending to be human) and for adam theres this sudden sense of stillness and peace hes never had before

“this is my sleeping tree. that i sleep in” “why not...... your bed” “why would i sleep in my bed when i could sleep in a tree” “blue are you absolutely sure youre human”

adam is at first insistent that theres nothing faery about him and even if hes TECHNICALLY fey it doesnt impact how he perceives/experiences the world at all but then sometimes he’ll zone out and the groupll be like “what are you doing” and hes like “listening to the brook” and theyre like “the one.... half a mile away....?”

as the group coalesces and secrets begin to be traded ganseys like “what. how is everyone i care about turning out to be fey. well at least ronan’s human so im not the only one”

ronan: yeah, uh. about that

“ET TU, BRUTE????”

“IT’S LIKE FOUR GENERATIONS BACK ON MY MOMS SIDE IT BARELY COUNTS”

anyway gansey isnt as human as he thinks because to save his life he was gifted with some faery life energy

but they dont figure that out until way later

there were other details im forgetting now but thats the gist of it. trc group chat is full of galaxy brains

[iampikachuhearmeroar]

okay, y’all, i’ve gotta back on my tl;dr bullshit soapbox about something:

so, the other day, i was just mindlessly scrolling through my corporate & capitalist hellscape facebook™️ (i.e. LinkedIn) and came across this totally trite mostly bullshit meme that was shared by some corporate executive search man (whose name i decided to crop out bc eh):

so i obviously agree with the last three points on this list, bc god yes my life would’ve been a bit better if I didn’t get all my dialogue about mental health only from teen mags and horrible portrayals in teen tv shows (and also this hellsite). and hell yeah everyone, and I mean EVERYONE needs to learn that failure is okay many situations (like failing a class in uni or school) bc everyone fails at something sometimes. and dealing with failure is HARD. and time management is something that I’m pretty sure everyone lies to fuckin hell about on their resume, bc lots of people really suck at it, myself included. so yeah. that needs to be taught. and i also agree with the “how to manage your health” point. bc thats becoming ever more prevalent and important with career burn out etc.

but entrepreneurship? people management? conflict resolution? creativity? how to manage money? public speaking? like y’all. three of those ARE taught/learned in school, who the fuck wrote this meme? 

for anyone who actually paid attention in maths class, (which is probably very few people outside of the top performing classes), there WAS A WHOLE FUCKING UNIT that focuses on financial maths (in australia anyway). I ignored this unit as well as maths in general at school, bc I generally hated maths and was convinced that I was somehow never going to get a job. but i remember the gist of the overall topic and its subtopics. one subtopic teaches you how to calculate your wages in various contexts (overtime, double-time and a half, holiday payments, im pretty sure maternity leave pay was jammed in somewhere? idk if other countries would have double time & a 1/2 like australia though). another subtopic teaches you how to calculate interest on bank loans and credit rates on credit cards. a third subtopic teaches you how to calculate savings (obvs in terms of discounts in shops)....im sure there was a bit about budgeting in there somewhere? im pretty sure there were some questions were about tax payments somewhere as a subtopic enrichment exercise? but you get my gist. are these not money management skills? in some sense? like if i could find one of my old maths textbooks or old maths books i’d give an example of a question, to make my point stronger. but the problem, like i said before, is that a load of people (myself included) just zone out in maths in high school and stop trying with it. they forget what they’ve learnt, and just remember how much they hated algebra and how they’ll never use it again. maths was one hell of a fucking strong bitch, guys. but maybe i’m wrong.

creativity? excuse me? have people forgotten about art classes? drama classes? english classes? music classes? need i go on? okay don’t get me wrong, most of these classes did focus a lot on memorising quotes or facts about people (artists/writers/poets/composers/dramatists etc) or specific  periods/movements in art or theatre or literature for example.... but the amazing sculptures/paintings etc people created in art for their final projects in year 12, or even in year 10 were works of their imagination. the scripts people write in drama or maybe english (if you had a fun teacher who did a screenwriting unit, for example) are creative asf. especially in year 12 when they do their major projects, where they may produce a monologue or a short movie, and then there’s a group piece. drama students might even make their own costumes for these performances. LIKE AIN’T THAT A LOT OF CREATIVITY RIGHT THERE Y’ALL????? and english. lowly old english. THEY HAVE A WHOLE FUCKING TOPIC ON CREATIVE WRITING FOR FUCKS SAKE. the original music people might create for their final projects too in year 12? does that not count as creativity? like yes, i know a lot of these things do still have to meet bs assessment criteria (especially in catholic schools, where the main things are you don’t offend the catholic education office and jesus/god lmao) to be considered worthy of a mark for your year 12 exams. but FUCK. HOW THE FUCK AREN’T ANY OF THESE SUBJECTS COUNTED TOWARDS BEING CREATIVE???????? like fuck your corporate creative ideation or w/e bullshit, Callum. drama and english even lend themselves to improvisation in some instances, like public speaking, which is examined further, below.

next, we move on to public speaking. this shit is basically taught from the first goddamn day of “show & tell” in kindy/kindergarten, and this fucker has the gall to say that it’s not fucking taught in schools? someone call in miley cyrus/hannah montana to throw the fuck down in this motherfucking hoedown BC THIS STUPID-ASS MEME-FUCKER HAS NERVE. i hated public speaking. absolutely hated it. even though it was ironically one of the places i ended up excelling in in english classes. even when i fucked up in my english speeches with like “oh, fuck.... said nelson mandela,  i’ve seem to’ve lost my palm card. wait, shit! there it is... excuse me while i pull it out of my ass. whoops, sorry miss” *bats eyes and finger guns at my year 9 english teacher who has her head in her hands and is done with my shit, while the class laughs at my gaffe* i’d still end up with like 73% or like 26/30. it was baffling. but for people who weren’t the class clown/smart alec like i was from years 7-10 (and like i actually wasn’t once i moved schools).... public speaking is like the leading cause of anxiety, right? like by the time i got to doing speeches/presentations at uni i was having panic attacks... the thought of presenting to my classes made me fucking sick with fear and anxiety. nearly every subject i did at uni (even when i tried to avoid subs with public speaking assessments) and throughout school had some type of presentation/speech whatever you want to call it project/activity in it. even fucking SPORT/PDHPE at school and even philosophy at uni. and these fuckers are saying its not taught in schools. FUCK  OFF. like yeah, i get that they actually mean it in the professional sense.... where people can give the sappy bs motivational speeches or an insightful ted-talk worthy 20-minute presentation... or a great sales pitch. but like??? save that for mike “my dad phoned in to EY and i have a job waiting for me after uni” mcfuck in a business major or law degree? or for clubs like toastmasters? fuck. ok enough of the skills we learn in school. let’s move onto the businesslike-sounding ones of “people management”, “conflict management” and fucking “entrepreneurship”. like. what the fuck? okay in some sense people management and conflict management could potentially be used in managing friendships and relationships in your personal life. but like. i can feel the business underpinnings and i dont like it lmao. like why do you want fully functioning adults straight out of school, franklin? and there’s extra credit conflict management subjects at uni??? or at least my home uni had it... and i never did them bc they were intensive courses during summer break lol. but the one that pissed me off the most was entrepreneurship. LIKE ARE KIDS NOT FUCKING ALLOWED TO BE KIDS NOW????? well  apparently: “NO! YOU MUST ALWAYS THINK OF MONEY MAKING WAYS TO BE RICH! YOU MUST BE ENTREPRENEURIAL!!!!!! YOU MUST GENERATE BUSINESS IDEAS FROM THE TIME YOU CAN FUCKIN’ WALK!!!!! AND SPEAK!!! CHILDHOOD AND BEING A TEENAGER DON’T EXIST WORKER BEE!!!! CAPITALISM FOR ALL!!!! WORKER BEES!!! CAPITALISM IS YOUR FRIEND!!! OWN A BUSINESS BY THE TIME YOU’RE 8 YEARS OLD!” like it’s insidious asf. and it doesn’t acknowledge that most entrepreneurs are already privileged people anyway, who usually have some type of money to start off their venture (or that’s what it feels like anyway). and yeah throw all the “THIS BOY IS AN ENTREPRENEUR AT 18!!! 18!!!???? BY STARTING HIS OWN BUSINESS AT 12!!!! WHAT A CHAMP! 😁🙃” clickbait news stories at me, but i don’t fucking care. the concept and perceived over-importance and almost preaching mindset of entrepreneurship is slowly becoming insidious and toxic asf. call me paranoid. but that’s what it feels like.

but with those last three topics, i want to make a point that school curriculum’s (in australia at least, and probably worldwide) are so jam-packed already with sport (which is pointless and shitty), geography (ok how to read maps is important, but i never bothered to learned to do it properly), history, science, english etc etc etc..... that like.... where the actual fuck are the gonna jam the above bs (people management”, “conflict management” and entrepreneurship) into the curriculum???? and also teachers are already over-worked enough as it is, they don’t need another load of shitty subjects pushed onto them. and they sure asf don’t earn enough (especially in the states) to have this bs pushed into their subject schedules either. keep them at uni, where they should be. or just in the workplace/in the general public where they belong. and if people suggest that you could probably push these subjects into the year 11/12 business studies programs or elective commerce courses in years 9/10, save your goddamn breath. like i remember looking at business studies hsc papers in years 11/12 to see what they did.... and it was pretty chock-a-block anyway. and my experience of my year 9 commerce was horrible, to say the least. let kids be kids, for fucks sake. they shouldn’t have to be fully functioning adults in the workplace, by the end of high school, for fucks sake. AND ENTREPRENEURSHIP IS NOT AN ESSENTIAL SKILL????!!!! FUCK OFF WITH THAT SHIT, WILHELM. anyway. that’s my rant over about how i hate how corporate people are trying to be #relatablewiththeyouth🙃 with their shitty versions of “10 things i wish we learned in school” memes.... and failing.... without realising that this is why millennials are suspicious and cynical about meme usage by corporate people/corporations.

[alrangerz]

Does this work? (Sorry about the format)

“Amélie, are you sure you can scale this building without being caught? There are over 48 cameras…I just don’t know how I feel about this.” I say, grazing my thumb over my lips as, I often do when I’m thinking.

“Oui, oui, yes. Can we just skip to the post-planning sex, please? You know I don’t like being made to wait.” Amélie frowns slightly as she grabs my hand to pull me closer.

“Darlin’, you know we don’t celebrate until after we’re sure that our plan is guaranteed to be a success.” I say, shaking my head at Amélie.

“Yeah right. When has a plan ever gone wrong for us.” Amélie argues, trying to pull me close again.

“That’s the kind of thinking that causes shit to go wrong. Let’s just go over it one more time so we are sure we get it right.” I say, wrapping my arms around her neck.

“Je veux juste être baisée putain,” Amélie sighs in frustration.

“Now darlin, you know I’m a sucker for french and I get the gist of what you just said, but I don’t think I like your tone.” I say, slowly dragging my hands up her thighs.

“‘Make me pay for it then, my love.” Amélie says, laying back on the table, pushing our planning and sketches to the side.

“Oh I plan on it.” I whisper, crawling on top of Amélie and kissing a trail up her stomach.

“Hey Boss! Ya have a visitor. I don’t think it can wait.” One of my shitty goons shouts, knocking on my door, totally ruining the fucking mood. 

“It. Can. Wait,” I growl against Amélie’s neck.

Amélie digs her nails into the back of my neck and I have to hold back a moan. She knows how much I love how rough she gets when she’s turned on.

“Gee Boss, man I dunno. This chick looks like your clone or something. But like younger I guess? This is really trippy for me. Am I tripping right now?” Idiot goon replies and I sigh because I really fucking thought he could take a fucking hint..

“You have a girl looking for you? A clone? Should I be jealous?’ Amélie jokingly pushes my face back with a raised brow.

“She said she’s lifelong friends with B.O.B and wants to talk, but maybe it can wait til later.” Idiot goon says and God, what does it take to be able to get some action around here?

I roll my eyes and grumpily rub my temple. A younger clone of me who is a lifelong friend of B.O.B? What the everloving fuck? I guess we stole a bad shipment of drugs, because that is the craziest shit I’ve ever heard one of my crew say. B.O.B doesn’t even have any friends other than the Deadlock Gang.

The only other people he’s ever really known are -

My neck starts  burning with a prickly sensation and I feel like I’ve been punched in the gut.

Holy Shit.

No way… This can’t be true. She can’t be here, surely? Didn’t she live all the way in the north east? Possibly even Europe?

“Very well. Give me a minute.” I reply.

“She’ll be with ya in just a minute.” Idiot goon says to our guest and I hear a sassy “Yeah, so I heard” in reply.

“Mon Chéri are you okay? You look so pale, what’s wrong?” Amélie asks, stroking both of my cheeks at the same time.

“It looks like a mistake of the past has caught up with me. I’ll explain to you later tonight? Okay?” I say as I straighten up my hair and my clothes.

“Oui, of course.” Amélie says and I can see that she’s still studying my face.

I take a deep breath as I reach forward to open the door. For some reason I feel incredibly nervous, which is not like me at all. Holding the door open for Amélie, I let her walk out first and she gasps in shock as she takes a look at our special guest.

“Quoi?” I hear Amélie whisper and she looks back at me, understandably confused but I just can’t make eye contact with her. I’m feeling embarrassed and guilty which again isn’t like me at all.

What the fuck is wrong with me?

I raise a hand bye to Amélie and she gives me a sad sort of smile and I feel even worse than I did in the first place.

“Hey kid. How did you get here?” I ask. Might as well just get it all over and done with.

“I took the midnight train going anywhere and just ended up here.” This kid says sarcastically and I have to hold back a laugh.

“I guess you want to know everything right? Why I did it, if I regret it, if it was hard to do, et cetera et cetera?” I ask her, looking at her for the first time and holy shit, she really does look like my twin. She has his eyes though. And his color too. She’s definitely a looker.

“You hit the jackpot, Sherlock.” Mini me says and I’ve had about enough of her sass.

“Listen here kid, if you knew who I was, you wouldn’t be talking like that. I’d watch it if I were you.” I warn her and fuck I need a drink.

“I have a name. It’s Delilah. And I know exactly who you are - you’re the leader of a shitty gang with nothing better to do, right?” Delilah says and I must admit, I do admire the balls this kid has.

“Now look,” I say, holding back a smile, “You’re not wrong. But if you weren’t you, I’d have killed you for that talk.”

“Then why don’t you?” Delilah asks.

“Because I at least owe you an explanation, first.” I sigh. “Come on kid, let’s head to the bar.”

“But I’m 17… they won’t let me in.” Delilah says, still following me regardless.

“Shit kid, they will if you’re with me. Don’t worry about it.” 

BREAK

The door jingles as we walk into the somewhat busy bar and I can see feel the stare of multiple looks towards us.

“Leave.” I say and chairs scramble as they take the hint.

Luckily B.O.B is our bartender and he starts happily clapping his hands when he sees Delilah. She runs up to hug him and he spins her around in a circle, just like he did with me when I was young.

“You want a drink, kid?” I ask.

“Can I get a shot of Jack?” Delilah asks. I’m pretty sure she’s testing to see if I’ll stop her from drinking alcohol but honestly I really don’t care. B.O.B looks for my reaction so I just I shrug my shoulders.

“Sure,” I say, not letting her know it’s my favorite drink.

We both take a shot and I’m actually surprised at how well she takes it. The burning sensation is a welcoming feeling and I wave at B.O.B for another.

“We are going to be here a while so let’s get B.O.B to cook you something up. Does a burger sound good to you?” I ask Delilah and she nods her head happily. 

“A burger sounds great to me.” Delilah says. “B.O.B’s a great cook. My parents loved when he came to visit.”

Taking the second shot, I rub my temple, confused on where to start. Like surely this kid hates me. Surely she wants nothing to do with me. So why is she here? Why am I so uncomfortable with all of this?

“Look kid. I understand you want to know everything, I do. But how did you get here? How did you find me? How did you even know I was your… you know ” I ask, because honestly how does a 17 year old kid get through all my security and half a fucking desert too.

“I was hoping you would ask that.” Delilah says, clapping her hands together.

“So basically I’ve always wondered who my ‘birth giver’ was. None of my friends in school knew I was adopted and there was this one time when we were all in the cafeteria at lunch. There was a breaking news story on all of the TVs about the most successful heist in history and people were shocked because the leader of the gang who pulled it off was a woman. Not just anyone, but a ‘beautiful’ woman who had the face of an angel but the heart of a devil.” Delilah says.

“Sounds familiar. Carry on.” I smirk.

“So my friends and I start to pay attention, cause we are like ‘wow, who is this chick, she sounds badass’, right? And then next thing I know, they show your wanted posted and my insides froze and I’m like ‘holy shit, that lady looks a lot like me’ and I think I’m crazy, but my friend Casey is like ‘Oh my god Delilah, is that like your evil aunt or something? Were you adopted?’ And we all laughed but inside I was freaking the fuck out.” Delilah continues.

“Understandable.” I agree.

“I go home and my parents are acting kind of odd, but everyone has their bad days right? I try to forget about it, but then I remember them telling me when I was younger that my birth giver had a troubled life and that they didn’t want to bring an innocent life into that.” Delilah says, looking at me questioningly.

“That’s kind of true I guess.” I say with a shrug.

“Right! So I forget about it for a while, I start to move on and then we get a surprise visit from B.O.B.” Delilah says smiling at B.O.B, who gives her a happy ‘that’s me!’ wave.

“I was so happy to see him again. I’ve loved him since I was a kid. This time I noticed he had a symbol on his body that I recognized… and I couldn’t work out where. But then I realized it was the symbol from that gang that that me lookalike was in. A crazy coincidence right?” Delilah asks.

“Ain’t it just?” I reply.

“I’m not proud of this next part, but here goes. I ask B.O.B if he would be okay with me looking into his gear so I could see how he works, because I’m super interested in engineering. He was more than happy to take part. But what I really wanted to do was scan through his memories and see if I could catch a glimpse of you. It worked. I was able to search through a folder with my name on it, I clicked on the very first file and I saw you, shortly after you had given birth to me. You said ‘it’s okay B.O.B, don’t cry, I’ll let you stay in contact with her if you really want’’ and cause it was from B.O.B’s point of view, he looked down and I saw he was cradling me as a newborn.” Delilah smiles sadly. “I’m sorry for hacking and violating you, B.O.B.”

B.O.B tilts his head to the side, studying Delilah’s face and then shrugs. He’s loved that kid since the day she was born, I doubt she could do anything to upset him. Hell, if he’s put up with half the shit that I’ve put him through, then I’m sure he’s very happy with her indeed.

“Damn kid, that’s kind of wild. I’m sorry you had to find out that way. Honestly I was hoping that you never would. I didn’t want to be another disappointment to someone.” I tell her honestly.

“Disappointment? This is the most badass thing to ever happen in my life. It’s awesome!” Delilah laughs.

“Delilah. You seem like a smart kid. I hope you realize this isn’t going to be a super happy ending where I cry and tell you I’ve loved you all along. Cause the harsh truth is I’ve never really loved anyone. I don’t know how to.” I admit.

Even with Amélie, I don’t ever really tell her I love her. It’s just not me.

I expect to see a frown or maybe even a look of anger or betrayal on Delilah’s face but I’m a little shocked when I see a small smile.

“I’ve known that for a long time. The fact that I never had any letters or contact from you kind of made that clear. I just want to know my backstory. Like, if you never loved me, why didn’t you just get rid of me?” Delilah asks, twiddling her thumbs.

“I hardly even know that myself, kid.” I sigh.

And it’s true.

Getting knocked up and going through with the pregnancy was the most ‘unlike-me’ thing I’ve ever done in my life. I’ve spent half of my life trying to forget it.

“I guess it’s because I wanted to see how my life could have been if I was actually loved as a kid. By people who actually wanted a family, people who were actually there for you.” I admit. “It’s all kind of selfish really. I didn’t even stick around to see if you were happy in the end. You are, right?”

“As happy as someone who was adopted could be, I guess! My parents really do love me. I couldn’t ask for anyone better. They totally supported me coming here. I didn’t tell them how dangerous it was of course but they were actually happy for me.” Delilah says.

“That’s good to hear I guess.” I say. “So, what next? I’ll be as honest as I can.”

I’m pretty sure I know what she’s going to say. It’s still a sore subject for me but I don’t really care anymore.

“Who was my dad? What was he like? If he’s who I think he is, why isn’t he around anymore?” Delilah asks, confirming my suspicions were correct.

“Gee, kid. Might as well get the nail out of the coffin.” I groan. “Jesse McCree… god that man really knew how to get under my skin. He betrayed us all in the end, so naturally he’s on my kill list.” I say and Delilah laughs, thinking I’m joking. 

“We met when we were both teenagers. We had a love hate type of relationship. He was the first human to ever show me genuine affection that wasn’t based on fear. We were invincible. A stunt had never gone wrong for us. We were sought after by everyone - enemies, the law force, criminals who wanted us to join them, the lot. Our egos had never been bigger.” I say.

“Sounds fun.” Delilah comments and I nod my head.

“It was. We did so many wild things. I miss the impulsiveness of it all, really. Eventually I found out I was knocked up. Deep down I knew Jesse would have been happy, but that just wasn’t our life. I left the gang for a year, telling them I was travelling with B.O.B to get him an upgrade that would make him invincible. They believed me and I was so relieved.” I admit.

“I traveled to the east coast, as far away from our base as I could go. I think I ended up in New York. I had been looking around online for families looking for kids. Some I was skeptical about, but then I saw a posting by your parents. A teacher and a dentist who couldn’t conceive naturally. They had mentioned that they would give all of their savings to whoever would give them a child. Eventually I met them and I actually really liked them, which said a lot considering how much I hate people in general. They gave me my space, let me stay with them for a while and even offered me to stay after the kid was born. I left as soon as I could though.”

B.O.B walks over with our lunch and gives Delilah a milkshake to go with it. He brings me a jack and coke and I nod my head as a thanks.

“Thanks, B.O.B, you’re the best.” Delilah says, happily tucking into her food.

“All the way up until I gave birth, I wondered if I’d change the way I felt about the baby growing inside me. Like I said, I had never grown up with affection, praise or even the slightest bit of human attention. My parents were never home and B.O.B is the closest thing to a parent I ever had. Don’t get me wrong. When you were born, I was happy you were healthy, but honestly I just wanted to get you to your family and leave. I was never meant to be a mother. It’s nothing I’ve ever dreamed or thought about. Even now and I’m almost 40. So I’m sorry about that, I guess.” I admit avoiding eye contact with Delilah again.

Delilah has a mouth full of food, so I take advantage of her silence by continuing on with my story.

“Back to your dad - McCree. Honestly he wasn’t a bad guy. Don’t get me wrong, he betrayed us and he’s going to pay hell for that. But Jesse McCree was a better person than I ever will be. And it fucking kills me to say that.” I say, hating myself for even mentioning it.

“Does he know about me?” Delilah asks.

“Yes. He always had his suspicions and could tell something happened during that year I was away. He found out during a fight. I couldn’t take the guilt of keeping it quiet anymore. He cried when he found out and he was pissed off he didn’t get a say, but he knew it wouldn’t change anything. He knew we weren’t supposed to be together, never mind be parents. He wanted to meet you and I forbid him until you, if ever, made an attempt to contact us. I didn’t even know if you were still in New York or not, because I told your parents to use those savings to move out of the country. I knew my past could come back to haunt me and I didn’t want an innocent kid to get hurt because of me. Whether they moved or not, I don’t know.” I say, shrugging my shoulders.

“They did. We lived in England for 3 years but then moved back to New York before I started school. They loved the city too much.” Delilah explains.

“It’s better if no one ever knows about you. You’d be targeted and they’d go for your parents too. Does anyone else know about us?” I ask.

“Other than my parents? No. But I’m pretty sure your gang knows too. That guy earlier seems to have worked it out.” Delilah says.

“I’m just going to tell him he had a bad trip. And to never talk about this again. He might be dumb but he’s not dumb enough to blab about my personal life. None of my gang are.” I say.

“Wow, you’re such a good role model.” Delilah smirks sarcastically and I’m reminded of myself as a rude teenager.

“Well you definitely got my sass, kid. God your sperm donor would kill to see that.” I say, downing my final shot of the night.

“Gross. Don’t say it like that.” Delilah says.

“Well it’s true. That’s all he is to me. And even that is saying too much. When you’re older you’ll learn that men are more trouble than they are worth.” I warn Delilah.

“Thanks for the heads up. Luckily all I’m focusing on right now, apart from finding out about you, is school work right now. I have chance of getting accepted into Harvard and I want to take that chance.” Delilah says, stretching and cracking her fingers.

“Shit, Harvard, really? God my parents would have loved you.” I say, slightly impressed with how bright Delilah is.

“Yeah. Do you think if I tell them my birth giver is the most wanted female in the continent, they’ll give me a scholarship out of fear?” Delilah jokes and laughter escapes my lips, making me spill my beer.

“Shit kid, that could work. It would be the least I could do for ya.” I say, smiling and shaking my head.

“Nah, I’m totally kidding. I don’t want people to know about us anyway. I don’t want anything to happen to my parents.” Delilah says and I feel slightly bad about scaring her, but it’s better for her to know the truth.

“Good choice kid, good choice.” I sigh. “Look hun, it’s too dangerous for you to stay here long, but you can stay the night if you want. Have you ever shot a gun before?”

“A gun? Hell no.” Delilah says, looking confused.

“Yeah, a gun. Tell you what. How about this… you stay here for a night, tomorrow I teach ya how to shoot and then B.O.B will take you home after we are done.” I say.

“That actually sounds perfect.” Delilah smiles.

“And uh… look kid. If you wanna stay in contact and you want to meet your sperm donor, it’s best if all of our contact is done through B.O.B. We are less likely to be tracked that way.” I say.

“That would really mean a lot. Thank you.” Delilah says happily.

BREAK

It’s 15 minutes past midnight by the time I make it to my room. Man, my head fucking aches. What a day. I’m about to take off my clothes for the night when I hear a familiar tap on my window.

“Hey.” I smile sadly as I pull the window open for Amélie. “You could have come through the front door.”

“I didn’t want to make things weird for your daughter.” Amélie says.

“How did you know?” I ask.

“Because, mon Chérie, I am not an idiot and she is beautiful just like you.” Amélie says, straddling me as she pushes me into the bed.

“You don’t have to tell me everything now. Is she staying? Is she okay?” Amélie asks and I’m just so glad she’s not mad at me for never telling her about this.

“Thank you for not hating me for keeping this quiet. Honestly I  never thought I’d actually meet her and I was okay with that. But meeting her has been… surreal. I don’t like kids and never have. But she’s a teenager and so mature. I can’t explain it. I see so much of me in her. She’s becoming everything I dreamed of being as a kid.” I admit. “She’s staying for a little tomorrow. I’m gonna teach her how to shoot and then she’s leaving. B.O.B is going to go with her.”

“Whats her name?” Amélie asks, stroking my lip with her thumb.

“Delilah. I didn’t name her though. This is the first time I’ve seen her since the day she was born.” I say, pulling Amelie’s hand away to trail kisses up her arm.

“Pretty name for a pretty girl. Are you going to miss her?” Amélie asks, eyebrow raised as she studies my face.

“Honestly? I don’t think so. If anything it makes me hate my parents even more for never allowing me to experience love as a kid. It makes me mad that I never got to love or care for her. But she does have a family who loves her plenty so that makes me feel better. And I doubt I would have ever met you if my family actually cared, so I guess all that neglect was worthwhile.” I say, laying back on the bed, pulling Amélie with me.

“I’m glad you’re dealing with it all so well. I was worried earlier.” Amélie said, taking off my tie and unbuttoning my shirt.

“Now worrying about me is something you never need to do, darlin’. I can take care of myself, believe it or not.” I tease.

“I know, I know. It’s just that I had never seen you look scared or worried before. It didn’t feel right.” Amélie says.

“I wasn’t scared. I was nervous.” I say, avoiding eye contact again.

“Same thing.” Amélie says, pulling my face to meet hers, leaving small kisses along my jawline.

“Whatever.” I roll my eyes. “What do you say we start where we got up to earlier? We just have to be quiet tonight.”

“I like that idea very much.”