#there isnt an end to the rope theres no fucking rope anymore

[piplupod]

the brain better figure out a way to fix this shit real quick or idk what is going to happen honestly. i feel very sick

[angelribbon]

DONT YOU LOVE ME ANYWAY?

tw: slapping, slight breeding kink, smut, dark!luke, corruption kink, daughter of aphrodite!reader

a/n: from your #1 yappist

There was something sacred about it-how he would desecrate-ruin you. Bruises littered your inner thighs, neck, anywhere he could find to mark you. Own you.

And he did.

There was some thrill in it for him, that you'd allow him to fuck with you like this, turn you into something as depraved and corrupt as him. Watching the guilt settle in your eyes when he finishes fucking you, mock disappointment crafting his words.

"should cover those up, yeah?, cant have everyone knowing what a cock dumb slut you are now, can we?"

People began to notice it, slowly. The way your face would burn with embarrassment turning into shame when they pointed out the hickeys. The fact that you were luke's toy to fuck and use as he pleases. And it was, until it became because even after he betrayed you, its his name that falls from your lips when you cum on your fingers.

You shouldve known better. Maybe checked the borders harder, more than twice-brought more weapons. Anything, that would take you back from being here. The metal presses against your throat, sending shocks of fear through you as he tilts your head up, back pressed against the rough bark of the tree.

Clarisse and the others had left camp for some special mission, chiron called it, leaving you and the other year rounders. It was calm for the first few weeks, until it wasnt.

Monsters started attacking more frequently, breaking the borders which you couldve sworn you thought could never happen. And there was only one culprit. The same one that had his head between your thighs-just weeks earlier and now a knife under your chin.

"isnt it past curfew sweetheart?" he asks tilting his head as he smiles "should report you for that"

Like the fucker cares.

Your eyes scan your surroundings, looking for atleast a dagger, seeing most of your weapons discarded too far from arms reach. He sees you, of course, eyes darkening in irritation.

"None of that yeah? just want to talk-"

Something in you clicks, anger that causes you to almost bite at him. "now you want to talk? you fucking left me luke!, no note, not even a simple goodbye-i had to hear about this from annabeth, a-and you want to speak to me with a sword at my throat?!"

He shifts, eyes moving to unreadable, as he backs up only slightly.

"There wasnt enough time-couldnt get you roped up in this shit and risk somethin' happening to you, you wouldnt have understood-"

His words fall on deaf ears, not caring-trusting-what he says anymore. You're quick to move, acknowledging that his sword is now at his side, completely out of the way. The first fist hits and you cant tell when the second one reaches. He lets you hit him, takes it until it actually begins to hurt, grapping your wrists as you attempt to fight his grip. He discards his sword on the ground, moving his other hand to keep you still. "Stop before you hurt yourself" he says sternly, backing you right up against the tree. Theres tears on your face now, he cant tell if they're from sadness or anger, choosing the latter pains him less.

"Just calm the fuck down"

Its the same tone he would use with you before, whenever you'd ask him to stay with you after he'd fuck you for hours on end. Producing the same result, tears brimming along your waterline until his tone changes. "I'm sorry okay? just dont-dont-fuck- stop crying, cant take it when you do that to me"

Your lip stops trembling, soaked eyes looking up at him as his hand cradles your chin. Its silent, none of you knowing what to say anymore and even though, you know better, you kiss him. Your lips are soft against his at first, but when luke gets over his shock? he's all teeth and blood. Violent and angry and so so desperate. Your brains in a fuzz, a high from the way hes kissing you. Maybe you've spent too long alone since he left, maybe you should've moved on. But whatever it is that leads you to do something like this, you're to fucked out of your brain to care.

Fuck elysium, he's got his own little heaven right here, in the way you sculpt your lips into his, letting him find solace in you after everything. His hand reaches to the curve of your waist pulling you into him, as he begs you to let him go further. To fuck out his frustrations onto you once again. He's sick for even asking, and you? you're just as bad for agreeing.

He practically rips of your skirt, ruining the pretty lace hem, muffling your protests with his lips. "I'll but you ten, okay a whole fuckin' set after-"

A promise you know he's not going to keep, but for now, you let him have it. His hand trails over your panties, pressing the damp spot he sees there. "That desperate huh? been waitin' for me princess?"

Somewhere in your stupor, your lips form into a pout.

"Dont be silly"

His lips form into a smirk at that, slapping your clit from your tone as you yelp. "Yeah? you've just been whoring yourself out since ive been gone?-looks like i needa remind her who she belong to hm?"

Another slap connects at your silence.

"Y-yes-fuck-please-n-need it so bad-" you babble out mindlessly, pushing your hips up into his hand-a desperate attempt to get some friction. He chuckles at your neediness, like his cock isnt leaking through his pants right now. He pulls your panties to your knees, fingers teasing at your hole, gathering your slick before he's sliding both inside of you. The sound you make is pathetic, giving him exactly what he wants, to see you pliant and indigent for him again. He's not slow or careful, instead fucking you with his fingers like hes almost enamored with the motion.

"L-luke-!" you whine, when you feel his other finger pinch your clit, the stimulation making your body jolt in pleasure. "I know, baby, I know-'s really abandoned her didnt i? dont even know how much ive missed this pretty pussy"

His words are so sweet, an illusion for how fucked up this all is. He continues to pump his fingers into you, feeling how you tighten up around him as his hand goes back to circle your clit. Your hips buck up into his hand, letting him use it as motivation to move faster. Head falling back, feeling the familiar tightening in your stomach as whimpers emit from you, eyes rolling back in pleasure. Your brain goes white when you cum, thighs trembling as you clamp down on his hand. He pulls out of you, watching the wetness that drips down your thighs.

"theres my girl"

He's quick to pull out his cock, all angry and red, precum dripping along his veins. He rubs his cock along your thighs, shivering at the feeling. He's slow at first, easing himself in, until he fully enters you, a wheeze coming from him.

shitshitshitshitshit-shit-" his thighs quiver, jaw clenching from holding himself back. "g-gotta relax for me, mami-fuck-"

He buries his head into your neck, gritting his teeth as his hands tighten on your hips. It take everything in him not to just rut into you right there.

For your sake, he tries to be slow, be patient as he thrusts into you at an antagonizing, gentle pace. You mumble something under your breath, begging him to go faster, to ruin you again, to break you. And he remembers that really? he was never a patient man.

His hips snap into yours, his movement prompted from that primal need to fill you with him to the hilt. Its disgusting, lewd-almost pornographic sounds that come from you as his curls stick to his forehead from sweat. He fucks you like an rabid animal, harsh, violent and angry-he doesnt understand whats wrong with him-why he needs it so bad. To feel you clench around him, scream out his name as if everythings normal again, as if he's human again. He presses against your stomach, causing a mixture of a moan and a sob to come from you, as he moves against you faster-harder.

He's on cloud nine when you clamp down on him. Hips stuttering, choked out whimpers falling from him as he buries his face back into your neck to try and stifle his sounds. Stars dance across your vision, and you swear you're drowning-mouth formed in a permanent 'o' shape, thighs trembling as you sink deeper. Crash after crash of ecstasy hits you-coming in relentless hard waves that make you see white. Your speech is slurred, rambling about how you love him so much-need him so much, begging him not to leave you again.

And thats what pushes him over the edge. He knows hes gonna leave you again, abandon you like the piece of shit he is, but the reprieve he has is too good to deny. He cums with a fucking sob, your name echoing from him like a solemn prayer, not even recognizing the fact that he just came inside of you as he holds you to him.

He cleans you up, carrying you back to the aphrodite cabin. Lucky for him, its empty. Most of the year rounders being in his old cabin. Laying you down on the bed, as your eyelids flutter, he sits on the side of your sheets, watching your face until you fall asleep.

And whether its guilt or regret, this time he stays and holds you until he disappears in the morning.

[red-dyed-sarumane]

every time i think about the oumen mokushiroku & unplanned apoptosis connections i take damage but in also eating it like candy.

like. current theory with the details i have now. we know the angel was supposed to be a protection figure, either agreed on by the others or just what she saw as her personal role idk which the songs are subjective so its hard to say, & we know she wasnt able to actually do anything about the situation, proven by the fact in all the the songs the whole world ending is still ongoing. she want to help, nothing she can do has made any difference and shes out of options. so, theory, the only thing left she can even try is to give up her retries, to really sacrifice herself so everyone else can keep going & make it out of the whole cycle alive & intact. its different from the other songs excluding aru sekai shoushitsu itself since the motif is in the lyrics not the instrumental but in direct contrast to the og lyrics hers are about wanting to meet again but everythings going dark on her. like in a heavy "this is the end" for her kind of way. maybe by saying it, its her way of giving up her repeats. details are kind of hazy i guess but i hope u get what i mean.

and then u have the direct counterpoint song about the girl whos taking it in the worst way possible. honestly i dont think she was that great of a person to begin with all thing considered but dear god girl got worse on purpose. again we know the two are directly linked bc this girls sitting outside the same window the angel was at, but now its dark & broken, & im willing to bet thats to show the angel's not there anymore. the girl in unplanned apoptosis has the Worst attitude ever, i cant blame her given everything thats happening but also wow she is NOT doing well. the world's ending on repeat, shes experienced the worst how many times, and now the angel went and left her too. having an absolute dog shit time & shes letting everyone know by being a brat about it, lying acting out pretending not to care etc etc. -another detail that ties in. we know from maximizer everyone involved is aware of the risks. we know the characters know they can lose their self so theyre no longer "human" & therefore cant continue.- so whats that mean for her? well shes at the end of her rope i dont think she wanted any of this to begin with and now she's been left all alone (by the angel. the others are still there but theres no contextual reason to believe shes particularly close to any of them) so whats left for her but to do the same and make sure she doesnt repeat anymore either? the "kill myself" line isnt exactly the suicide u'd think. she's not actively ending her life itself. she self sabotaging in every other way possible, digging herself deeper, becoming the worst version of herself so she can cross that "boundary of self" as its called in laboratory so that she can finally die for the last time when the world ends again. but the problem is even with all shes doing & acting out she cant cross that boundary. she still is forced to continue. "just as usual the day ended" for her. even after everything, after permanently losing someone & all the self destruction theres no change whatsoever, thats maddening in itself yet shes still herself so she has to live with it.

which, slight tangent, makes it all the more interesting to find out what the Fuck the laboratory chara did that SHE loses her self & cant continue but the one whos potentially actively trying to do that cant. my best guess rn is that labo got caught up in the details & forgot her personal values in pursuit of an end, where as apoptosis is acting in her own interests with less care on the fate of the world & doing so means she clings to her self but i dont really have the details to back that up rn.

[dropoutparty]

shurara corps ark fix-it concept babeyy!!

under a read more bc this shits long LOL

also this is kinda rambly but whatever

when it comes to shuraras motivations here, maybe he could have been another childhood friend of keroros. idk how they could have been introduced, maybe through pururu or just by meeting in school, but ig that part doesnt rlly matter. what DOES matter though is that shurara decided to tag along with keroro, giroro, zeroro, and pururu on one of their misadventures and he gets hurt during it. BADLY. pururu patches him up, and zeroro apologizes like crazy (since he knows how much this sucks), but shurara is left with a strong dislike of keroro and friends. except for pururu, who he still likes (but im not keeping the crush bc it serves no purpose here) and zeroro who he kinda forgives a little bit but just because he apologized so much. maybe this could have resulted in some major physical injury that affected how he lived for a while, or maybe it spawned a phobia, but either way it left an impact.

putata and mekeke are sent in first with the goal of beating up the platoon a little bit and taking the star because they are the most skilled team. shurara doesnt want the star because of some stupid bandaid, but he wants to take it in order to both deeply hurt keroros pride and also to potentially have his platoon no longer be officially recognized, taking away something that means a lot to keroro. they actually succeed in taking the keron star kinda. when they get back to base, they realize that the star is fake, its just a piece of fabric or paper with tape on it (like what happened in the original arcs ending). this way the shurara corps will be established as an actual threat and also the ending will have actual stakes.

gyororo sends word back to base that the keron star putata and mekeke got was fake, so giruru is sent in to ACTUALLY get the real star, as well as punish the platoon for embarrassing the corps like that. this one plays out kinda like the actual episode (bc im too lazy to think of anything else), but all that matters is that he still ends up captured.

after this, the platoon is like ok this might actually be serious so they go on high alert. one day dororo notices gyororo (who was sent in a little before putata and mekeke to scout the place out and gather info) bc hes the only competent member of the platoon and confronts him, outing his presence to everyone. gyororo fights back but he is also captured in the end.

after the platoon has captured giruru and gyororo , shurara plans to capture and torture a member of the platoon as revenge. before he can do this though, dokuku and nuii decide to rescue giruru and gyororo in secret. nuii serves as a distraction to everyone while dokuku goes to rescue the fellaz. theres some minor conflict but in the end the four of them escape. after that happens, shurara is furious about his subordinates disobeying him and doing things behind his back, but he keeps his goal the same.

im gonna change yukikis powers bc they kinda suck and hes confusing. anyways yukiki isnt actually a snowman, but hes the hat! kinda like in mario odyssey, you put the hat on anyone or anything, and it will immediately be controlled by yukiki. he was an experiment done to try to make a sentient object, and he got his name because he was first tested on a snowman (which also makes it the form hes most comfortable taking). anyways, shurara sends in yukiki to capture someone by taking control of them, but hes defeated somehow and returns empty-handed.

im also gonna change robobos powers a bit. with robobo i dont think that he should have the ability to turn people into electronics because thats dumb and doesnt make any sense, so im gonna give him the ability to just control other machines. he also doesnt have a giant form, and can switch his hands between their magnet form and their drill form. anyways, at this point shurara is furious and decides that he doesnt care about capture anymore, he wants the platoon dead. he decides to send robobo for the job because robots dont have the same margin of error that living things do, or at least theyre supposed to. turns out, they totally do bc robobo also comes back with a failure.

after this, shurara somehow lures the platoon to his base (just like in the anime) but this time everyone is waiting for them there in a big empty room together. shuraras disembodied voice gets a monologue like in the anime and the roof opens, lighting the room up because its a bright spring day. kagege then appears and takes control of the platoons shadows like in the anime! all of the shadows are used to fight the platoon, as well as the corps themselves fighting. its an epic fight, but just when it seems like the platoon is all gonna die, the corps suddenly decide to stop fighting. they all tell the platoon about how shurara has been acting worryingly erratic and obsessive, so they agree to spare the platoons life as long as they confront shurara. the platoon obviously agrees, and theyre taken to a holding area so that shurara thinks that theyve won. they give them this offer because theyre not personally invested in killing these nerds, they dont really care. they ARE worried about shurara though, seeing how obsessed with this hes become.

anyways kagege reports to shurara (in my headcanon hes like shuraras right hand man or something like that) and is like "we beat the platoon, but we didnt kill them. theyre our prisoners right now and were gonna torture them before we let you do the honors" and then shuraras like "poggers!!! thats a great idea!!" and then proceeds to drink his choccy milk and play minedcraft. meanwhile, some of the others are actually patching the platoon up and telling them what to do with shurara. they tell the platoon to try to hurt him as little as possible, and DEFINITELY dont fucking kill him, but just try to knock some sense into him and restrain him or something.

the platoon asks why shurara hates them so much and whoevers patching them up doesnt know, but kagege comes down soon after and tells them shuraras motivations. after this, some understanding can be felt by giroro and dororo (bc they were there, even tho dororo is the only one who remembers shirara like at all) and keroro feels kinda guilty but not too much bc head empty. later, the corps has a big celebration feast and shurara declares that hell painfully kill the platoon bright and early tomorrow. in all the commotion, nuii convinces gyororo to sneak down into the platoons holding cells to bring them some leftover food.

the next day, the platoon is brought to the same room that they fought the corps in, and theyre tied up. shurara is talkin abt how hes gonna kill them all super painfully and stuff but little does he know that the ropes holding the platoon are actually not secure at all (on purpose), so the platoon all escapes their bindings and a fight with shurara ensues. when the platoon is in a tight spot, one of the corps will show up real quick and help them out, kinda like a support in a fighting game. eventually, shurara is tied up and defeated technically.

shurara is whining and stuff and calling the corps a bunch of traitors, but the corps talk to him about how worried they all are about him and that this whole thing has gone too far (you rlly think these goobers are worth all this effort??). shurara says something about how keroro hurt him before, so he wants to hurt him and his platoon back. the corps are like ya i get that but killing them is wayy overkill no pun intended. keroro apologizes and maybe dororo can say something about how keroro also hurt him in the past but hes been able to move past that or whatever and shurara is like bro ur right and he starts crying like da babey he is lmao and there u have it!!! the arcs over and everyone is ok and happy!!! found family trope pog!!!!!!

[blookmallow]

playing rusty lake Roots... theres so much going on 

i wrote this post at like 2 AM last night so its kind of incoherent lmao

ok so now im following the family history of... maybe the founders of the rusty lake hotel? someone who is Involved Somehow. some weird shit is going on and im really into it but not quite following yet 

oH god theres a dead guy in the clock. ok 

i spent like 10 minutes solving puzzles in this room with that dude in there the whole time and i had no idea OK SURE 

then i had to burrow into his chest to steal his heart, as you do. sorry sir apparently i need it for some reason but it doesnt look like you’re using it anymore anyway 

very romantic

the absolutely batshit solutions to some of these are so good like. “she likes him! he likes her! help them communicate” “ok i will... give her a rose” “she likes the rose! oh she pricked herself and is bleeding everywhere now” “i... use her blood. for ink. with the feather i got from a raven earlier. so he can write her a love note. with her blood” “great job! they’re engaged now” “i see” 

and you’ll NEVER GUESS where i found a ring for her 

god damn it its you again

why is this disembodied hand following me everywhere i go... i didnt kill it this time it was already dead but like, Why 

oh fuck its the dudes!!!! from the hotel!!!! its the guys!!!! 

i can also see them in the hotel across the lake despite everyone else being humans this time and it feels like this should be Before the events of the, uh. dinner party. but it might be shadows of the future to come or something, there’s a lot of ominous Fate and something to do with memories happening here 

oh. that’s why i needed the heart. i see 

im collecting sacrifices for some kind of revival i think, im betting this is gonna end up being how mr. owl happened somehow 

oH god that’s. ok. fuckign christ 

thats not. how any of this works but sure ok that happened 

really not a fan of the fact that the solution to “how do i get the key from the dog” ended up being “feed it the woman’s fucking placenta after she gives birth” lmao ok

i do like when the solutions are like. unexpectedly horrifying, though. that moment of “wait. no. no. oh god. thats it isnt it” 

also the woman would only give me one bottle of milk (there’s three babies) so i had to fill another one with wine and another with water. i feel like this is a bad method of caring for your triplets but what do i kno 

i know this all isnt really meant to be taken literally tho i think... everything happening here is highly symbolic but im not sure exactly how

the milk goes to samuel, who seems the most normal/put together child, maybe the one who was treated the best/the most privileged one/the one closest to the mother 

the wine goes to albert who ends up being the most fucked up one so maybe thats a sign he was abused/maybe one or both parents had an alcohol problem they took out on him the most 

im not sure what the water would mean though, that one goes to emma and shes a botanist so, water for the flowers, i guess, she later commits suicide but i dont know why yet (or maybe it might not be explained at all) maybe it’s a. wasting away/neglected thing? 

hm.

im missing a shot i thought i had here but you’re in an alchemy lab trying to make this elixir and the alchemist won’t take it, and the only other thing in the room is.... the dog 

so i was just like :( im gonna kill the dog arent i 

but then 

the dog drank the elixir and was fine so the alchemist tried it and immediately died, so apparently it’s a 50/50 chance of either reaction and not “it works or it doesn’t” all around and now we have an immortal dog :’  ) 

either that or it just doesn’t affect dogs. time will tell i suppose

anyway this is how albert turned out and i would do anything for him LOOK at this baby boy 

he wanted a butterfly so i solved a bunch of very strange puzzles to obtain one for him 

fuCKing hell 

albert you’re not gonna believe this look what i found

FUCK yeah you look great 

i brought him the butterfly and he immediately stabbed it to death but really im more concerned with the fact that it’s BLEEDING RED 

look at him go

i carved a pumpkin mask for him and he loves it 

i hope albert knows i would die for him 

ok anyway uhh its 2 AM as of when im writing this so i should stop but im trying to work out thoughts on what the fuck is going on here so far 

ok so

james married mary and they had three kids

james might have murdered his uncle or something im still not sure why there was a dead guy in the clock at the beginning 

somethin sure happened there

james became fascinated with alchemy and eventually died trying to create an elixir of life. something or someone is trying to do some kind of weird revival ritual with body parts. i highly suspect that might be where mr. owl comes from

its not totally clear what’s going on with albert, he had a mark on his head when he was a baby but im not sure if his face is like that just bc birth mark or if the wasp incident made it worse or something, i feel like it wasnt as visible in the childhood scene but i dont remember now 

he wanted the butterfly when he was a kid too but it wasnt clear if he liked it or wanted to kill it then too. not sure if the wasp incident Changed Him/was the start of lifelong rivalry with samuel, or if albert’s just mentally ill and that was just One More Incident with his siblings bullying him, or maybe a combination of both

emma grows up to be a botanist but commits suicide for reasons unknown

there was a really weird disjointed flashback on emma’s side of the tree where albert kind of inadvertently dumped a kid into a well (he was... spinning the crank thing mayb stimming or something, the player makes the swing go too far to make the kid land there in the first place so idk if thats just The Hand Of Fate or what, but albert didnt technically do it he just was the reason he lost grip on the. thing where the rope goes/he didnt help the kid) (but again he’s. not mentally well, i think it was ‘he didnt understand what was going on’ more than ‘he committed a possible murder’) so idk if maybe that was emma’s kid?? she also may have been impregnated by plants. dont know what the fuck that was about either 

samuel marries a fortune teller named ida (and has more kids i think. i wasnt paying close enough attention to the photo on the wall) who albert also loves but she seems to think of him as the devil and has visions about him i think

it looks like albert loses it and puts some kind of curse on samuel possibly black magic/voodoo/something which MAY have turned him into mr. crow, which, fucked up if true 

but im hesitant to accept “albert’s just Fucked Up And Evil” bc... the wine bottle seems to imply he was not treated well as a baby/possibly abused, samuel knocked a wasp nest onto his head which isn’t massively outside the realm of like. sibling rivalry stuff (my brother once smacked me in the head with a snowglobe so hard i had to be rushed to the doctor when he was rly little/i was younger and we’re Completely Fine now lmao) but maybe fucked him up worse than they realized 

and the whole thing with ida, too. theres no detail given but it definitely seems like samuel is the favorite child and albert is the “we don’t talk about that one” child so its like. years of abuse/unequal treatment/etc and we dont necessarily know how samuel’s treated him all these years or if there could’ve been more/worse things going on 

i dont know!! i like him and i want him to get help and not just be condemned as the family demon just bc he spooky 

[reesewestonarchive]

chapter ten / rem belongs to @forlornraven / masterpost

The trouble with a man like Michael is the guy has shit all over the country. He’s well known, if not by his full name, and well-hidden. Nakoa’s never known him to be even close to discovered by authorities.

He hides his tracks well, and living in Withervale, not flaunting the money he must have… It must makes things easier.

Unfortunately for Nakoa, it means he’s stuck in one of the warehouses, chained to a fucking car, waiting. The warehouse is in the shitty end of town, though, quiet and rundown. A lot like Withervale. Nakoa screams, but he can’t hear the sounds of the road, so why would they hear him?

Nakoa bangs his hand against the car, against the door until more of the paint scrapes off, then starts scraping HELP into the side of the car, with the metal chain.

If Michael’s gonna do what he fucking pleases, he might as well make him work for it. Nakoa already plans on fighting as much as he can, but Nakoa’s not a fighter.

“Good,” he hears, over loud speaker. “You’re awake. I was hoping I’d be able to send in one of my men, test your limits when you least expect it, but…” A sigh, then Michael continues, “I’ll bring your friend in soon. Don’t go anywhere. You and I have plenty of fun to get to.”

Fun. Is that what they call this? When does ‘fun’ turn from fun to torture, when does Nakoa stop getting chained to cars and gets back giving Rem blowjobs in the back of the van?

Nakoa sits. Waits. Tugs on his wrists and lets panic consume him. What does Michael have planned for him? Why bring in Rem?

Minutes tick by, so many that Nakoa loses track of how many. He rattles the chains and swears and waits.

And waits, but Michael doesn’t return. No one does. The sun sets and Nakoa feels a chill in his bones because still, no one comes. He thinks maybe Rem got him, somehow, that Michael’s nothing, anymore, but… Rem would have found him.

The chain holds strong.

Nakoa dozes, sings Queen and Bowie and Billy Idol and tries, fucking tries, to put the thoughts behind him, but he keeps remembering Rem on the ground, on the asphalt, and—

The door slams open. Nakoa can’t make anyone out in the dark, and the light that turns on blinds him.

Something drops to his feet in the dark, brushes against his leg, and Nakoa peers between his fingers, and—

“Rem—” His voice is choked, already, immediate at the sight of Rem crumpled at his feet, and Nakoa’s heart plummets and speeds up, a thumpthumpthump against his ribcage. Eyes wide open even as the light burns, Nakoa tries to reach out to him.

From above, Michael chuckles. “Little fighter, this one. Too bad for him. Dropped the knife.”

Nakoa holds his breath—don’t—he can’t—and waits for the rise and fall of Rem’s chest, counts five seconds, six, until he sees Rem breath, hears his nose whistle.

His shirt, one of The Clash, has been ripped to shreds, blood dotting the grey fabric and matting it down against his skin. His knuckles are a mess, a bruise is forming around his eye, around his neck.

A cut sits, still bleeding, on his cheekbone.

“Nakoa,” Michael says, his tone no-nonsense. “I expect you to cooperate, if you value your friend’s life.”

“Fuck you,” Nakoa responds, his voice breaking. Relief is a monster in his chest, thrashing with anger and fury, and he lifts his gaze to Michael, finally, says, “Fuck you.”

Michael looks worse than Rem. There’s a long, long gash spanning most of the side of his face, scratch marks, /teeth/ marks in his neck. His nose is swollen, blood dripping down his lips and staining his mouth red, but he grins through it.

“Fine. You want a fight, Nakoa, I’ll give you one. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.” He disappears into the darkness, for a minute, footsteps fading, and Nakoa takes the break to search Rem’s face, his body—to will him to wake up.

He does. 

Rem stirs with a groan, then, barely; tries to sit up, but he can’t. Nakoa watches, helpless, as he struggles with his position, his surroundings. More than anything Nakoa wants to reach for him, pull him into a hug, into anything, into bed if that’s where Rem wants him, but away. Safe and not here.

Anywhere else. Michael’s footsteps are returning, double now and Nakoa wonders if he’s just hearing things, but when Michael returns, he’s with another man.

“Na—” Rem chokes, forces his voice out, “—nakoa, what the—” Then stronger, as Michael grips his hair tight: “Hey, asshole, get your fucking hands off me!”

Nakoa reaches a hand out, knows that Rem can’t grab it, that Michael won’t let him even if he could reach, but Nakoa still does it. Wants to feel Rem’s skin under his fingertips, wants to feel Rem’s flesh against his own.

“Nakoa.” Rem’s voice is gentle, though, edged with worry, and though he’s already being pulled from the room, he keeps talking. “I’ll fix this, Nakoa, I’ll fix it. This asshole won’t know what hit him.”

Okay. Okay. Nakoa thinks it’s garbage, that it’s not something just anyone can do, take out Michael. And Rem probably is the first person in a long time that even fucking tried.

“Vaughn,” Michael calls, over Rem’s voice, “make sure you break him. He’ll be a challenge.

Rem keeps swearing as Michael hauls him out, and the lights go off, and Nakoa is left in the silence once again, Vaughn grinning down at him.

“Shall we get started?” Vaughn says, taking a knife from a holster at his hip. “I’m eager to make you sing, little bird.”

-

“Nakoa,” but his voice is far away. In his mind, maybe? Nakoa can’t open his eyes, too heavy, but he smiles at Rem’s voice, anyway. Reaches his hand up, even though it aches, hurts worse than anything he remembers, the pain reverberating from his shoulder through his chest. Rem’s voice is sharper when he speaks next. “Nakoa. Are you fucking okay?”

“I’m fine. I’m great,” Nakoa says, but his words come out as, “Mmm,” and he makes no attempt to correct himself. He feels cold, but he feels like he’s on fire, too.

“I need to get you out of here.” Shuffling, then swearing, before Rem grabs for Nakoa’s wrists Rem makes quick work of the ties at his wrists, though, sawing through the ropes holding Nakoa down with a pocket knife. He brushes his fingers along rope burns Nakoa can’t feel through the fog in his head. “Can you walk?”

Nakoa moves his leg, but pain rockets up into his torso, and he moans, drops his head back against the concrete. Tears form in his eyes, but he says nothing.

Swearing, then, “Okay. Okay.” He can feel Rem’s hands hovering, over his stomach, his face, his legs. “I’ll carry you.”

Nakoa wants to ask where the fuck Rem got out, how badly his father hurt Rem, if he did. If Rem got revenge, or…

“But we need to move, now.”

“Rem,” Nakoa says, brushes his finger against Rem’s wrist, and even that movement makes pain burst behind his eyes. “Rem, I need to tell you something.”

Rem’s laugh cracks, humorless and broken. “Fuck no. Not here. Not—not now.” His hands are warm under Nakoa’s neck, too warm, but Nakoa still turns into him. “Might hurt— ready?”

No, but somewhere in the back of his mind, Nakoa knows he ought to be more hurried to get away from here. Instead, he’s grateful for the proximity. “Sorry,” he says, his voice a mess. “Fuck, Rem, ‘m sorry.”

“Don’t fucking apologize. Gonna get my revenge in a second—hold still, okay? Try not to make a sound. I can’t fucking run with you.”

Nakoa braces himself for the pain, which hurts in itself, but Rem moves him carefully, aware of Nakoa’s shoulder, and Nakoa holds the sound in his throat when Rem lifts him into his arms. Instead of screaming, Nakoa shoves his face into Rem’s shoulder and huffs a warm breath out

“Okay. Good. Quiet—stay quiet.”

Though Nakoa isn’t walking, it still hurts, still jostles his injuries and sends him through the roof with pain, but he grips Rem tight and doesn’t let go and hopes for a pleasant ending to this.

Not sure if there’s one for him, as long as Michael’s still around.

The world fuzzes out, turns black, over and over. Nakoa tries to focus on Rem’s breathing, something to keep him conscious, but with the pain throbbing through his leg…

Nakoa’s slowing him down. Nakoa’s going to get Rem caught up in his bullshit, and Michael’s not a merciful guy. Never has been a merciful father. It’s doubtful that wouldn’t extend to Rem.

Without Nakoa, Rem has a change, and it’s Nakoa’s fault they’re in this in the first place. Michael’ll be furious, but—at least Rem will be safe.

“Rem,” Nakoa says, reaching for him. His hand hits some of the spikes on Rem’s jacket. “Rem. Listen to me.”

“Shut up.”

“Leave me here.”

A huff of unamused laughter, then, “Fuck no.”

“I mean it.” Nakoa swallows, already terrified at the thought of Michael finding him in a failed escape attempt.

“I think I prefer you unconscious.” But Rem bites his lip, says, “You sure you didn’t hit your head?”

“He’s just gonna keep finding us. He has people all over North America.” The world’s blurring black again, shadows along the  edges of his vision. Sweat beads across his forehead. “Look at me, Rem. You gotta leave me.” He’s not being dramatic, not doing it to force Rem’s hand; he’s just right. Nothing Michael does surprises Nakoa anymore, but Rem… Rem doesn’t need to know the secrets Nakoa has kept from him about his father.

“Fuck you,” Rem says. His expression hardens and he scowls. “This is the thanks I get for trying to fucking help you—”

“Rem.”

He shuts up, goes quiet, staring down at the ground, anywhere but at Nakoa. “Can’t put you down.”

They’re close to outside, now, Nakoa can smell the fresh air coming through the cracks in the doors, through broken windows. Rem still won’t look at him, even in the dim light. “What did you do?”

“We’ll talk about it later,” Rem says, turning to open the door, and—

It’s outside. Freedom. Nakoa takes deep breaths, despite the pain that creaks in his chest, and lolls his head against Rem’s shoulder, taking it in. Rem leads them past a bleak landscape, out past the road, into a clearing behind some trees. He sits Nakoa in the grass and says, “You good?” Head lifted, Rem says, “Gonna be loud—cover your ears—”

“What—” Nakoa starts, but shoves his fingers in his ears anyway, trying to crane his neck to whatever it is that Rem’s waiting for.

He hears it through plugged ears, a loud explosion that shakes the ground. It lights fire in Rem’s eyes, a grin on his face—which Nakoa can now see is blood covered and bruised, but Rem looks so fucking pleased with himself.

“Should buy us some time,” Rem says, but Nakoa can’t hear him, just sees his lips move. He pulls his fingers out of his ears, turns around, heat warm on his face, and—

Oh. “How the hell—”

“Michael has more secrets than he lets on.” Rem clears his throat. “Let me look at your leg.” He tugs a knife free from his pocket and cuts a slit up Nakoa’s jeans. At Nakoa’s protests, he says, “Relax. You have others.” He whistles, says, “Shit,” under his breath, and starts ripping from the bottom of his t-shirt. “You remember anything that happened?”

Nakoa barely remembers five minutes ago, barely remembers Rem carrying him from the building. He reaches out, grasps at Rem’s wrist, makes a noise, and drops his head back against the floor.

Fuck.

“All right. Okay. Up.” Rem puts his arm behind his neck, the other behind Nakoa’s legs, and hauls him to his feet. “Hey. Stay with me, right?”

But Nakoa’s consciousness is fading, and the last thing he says is, “Rem, I l—” as he grips at Rem’s hair, and…

Darkness.

[cerulean8looded]

25!!!!!!!!

okay that one i literally made bc i look like john, love just dance, and want to be loved but here we fuckin go

25. John being a just dance twitch streamer and all the boys being gay for it i mean youtubers au

so im thinking that all of them make WILDLY different content. lets start with the beta kids.

so john has a gaming channel, clearly, and he decides he wants to lose some weight in a fun way that also helps his channel, so he starts the just dance thing. other than that, he mostly plays things like minecraft, five nights at freddys, all your basic bitch stuff, along with a fair few horror games. he really likes minecraft and sims 4 though.

rose has a witchcraft channel. she practices witchcraft and makes videos about spells and sigils and crystals and all the other cool stuff that goes along with that. i dont know much about witchy stuff anymore, its been a while since i was into that stuff, so id have to do a bunch of research for her.

dave has two channels: irony channel and music channel. the ironic one is where he posts anything to do with sbahj, and just generally fucks about, does weird trends and stuff. he never shows his face on his music channel, never shares his name, and it’s all remixes, so no one hears his voice either.

jade has the most chaotic but pure channel. she does anything she feels like doing, from kids show reviews to “Look at this cool pumpkin i grew” to “heres my favourite gun”. she has no theme, and never plans to change this.

Trolls

aradia is similar to jade in chaotic energy, but she tends to stick to stuff like creepy antiques she finds, weird animal bones from the fields she just wanders about in and that kind of odd stuff. she also talks about dark conspiracy theories a bit.

tavros mostly focuses on animals; animal care, animal facts, how to spot animal illnesses, how to deal with hostile but injured animals in the wild, what to do if you see an animal you think might have rabies, all that kinda shit. theres always at least one animal in every video, whether its a ferret in his lap, a cat walking over him, a snake around his neck, a guinea pig on his shoulder, and so on.

sollux does a gaming and tech help channel. he plays any game that people claim is difficult and tends to beat them so fast people think he’s hacking. he slaves over every fnaf game to try to beat the custom night first. as for tech help, hes basically that guy who runs the channel on how to fix discontinued apple products.

i lost my fucking karkat paragraph, im furious. basic recap of what i lost: he does general content like dan howell and phil lester kinda, with a couple staple series, such as his rant series, where his followers give him a topic and he rants about it for about twenty minutes (after editing). he also does livestream versions which can sometimes last for several hours per rant.

nepeta does cosplay videos with whoever she can rope into helping her (usually terezi, vriska, equius, or feferi) plus a lot of fandom videos in general. she usually comes off really lighthearted in her videos, but she also makes a lot of important comments about fandom culture and shipping wars etc. on her second channel she does vlogs, which exposes her absolute gremlin side. these vlogs often feature things such as her climbing up a tree, getting stuck, and screaming until equius saves her.

kanaya does makeup and fashion advice videos, mostly with a vampire theme to them. occasionally she’ll do cosplay makeup too. her favourite videos to do are when her subscribers send in pictures of themselves and their closets, along with some general information on what they wont wear and all that, and she gives them advice on how to spruce up their look a little and declutter their clothes, etc. she likes feeling like shes making a difference to people.

terezi focuses on true crime mostly; cold cases, current cases, sometimes she runs through the process of solved cases. she prefers to do unsolved stuff, since it gives her the ability to talk about her own theories on it, and she does often get it right, but for particularly interesting cases she will do a video anyway. she also does a little bit on mental health and the reasons behind crimes and shit.

vriska is another kinda general youtuber. she does whatever the hell she wants, plus anything anyone says she cant do. she also lets some of nepetas fandom stuff leak into her content. no one really knows how she got so many subscribers. she also has the most merch out of all of them.

equius makes videos on whatever happens to be his current hyperfixation at that moment. hes the most inconsistent. one week hes picking apart the homosexual subtext in certain scenes of jaws, the next hes teaching you how to put together a microwave. he does a lot of lgbtq+ videos too; his most popular video is of him and nepeta and some others at pride and most peoples favourite part is nepeta racing around a small clearing with equius on her back while vriska cackles behind the camera

no one is really sure what gamzee actually does. his videos are all filmed on a phone camera and are never edited. he doesnt have an intro or an outro. sometimes it seems like he forgot to start filming until halfway through whatever he was talking about, but he never repeats the bits the camera missed. theres no theme, no clear goal, no one knows whats happening and theyre pretty sure hes high in every video. one time he posted a video that was over 48 hours of the phone just pointing at a wall, which appeared to be covered in blood just out of sight of the screen (as in you could see the edge of it but not the actual blood) and there appeared to be a hand sitting at the corner of the screen. everyone was fucking terrified for a while, but the next video posted to his account was karkat explaining that hed had a bit of a mental break and thrown a jar of jar at the wall (the “blood”) and that the hand was just a doll. hed taken out his phone to film a vent video, but promptly forgot about it, dropped it, and went to do something else. he finally remembered over two days later, posted it without thinking and called karkat. a few weeks later he started posting again like the whole thing never happened.

eridan’s content mostly focuses on harry potter and magic (which he definitely doesnt believe in because that would be ridiculous), but he makes a lot of environmental PSA videos about littering and pollution and stuff. in his fandom videos he comes across as just really excitable and doesnt seem like he cares about much else, but he really shows off his intelligence in PSA type videos. he also posts a lot of videos of him just talking about whatevers going on in his life, usually whenever he gets a new crush. his most popular video is the one he made right after seeing johns just dance streams for the first time, because he looked like he was about to cry or scream the whole time.

and feferi! her content mostly focuses on social and political issues. she talks out against “canceled”/purity culture a lot and tends to end up involved in discourse for it. shes that person in the middle of the argument whos literally only stating facts and saying that we shouldnt jump to unnecessary conclusions, but somehow ends up being accused of being jack the ripper or some shit for it. she isnt afraid to share her honest opinions and makes sure to remain as polite and level-headed as is humanly possible when responding to others.

i was gonna do the alpha kids and dancestors too and like share some plot and that kinda stuff but this is long as fuck, so we’re gonna stop here for now! feel free to request again for even more info dumping. also i just wanna say that i planned none of that gamzee stuff i had no idea what i was doing when i started that

[gobbochune]

I literally have a stage management BFA and still know next to nothing about the Heathers musical. Enlighten me on why it is The Worst.

Disclaimer: I have not seen the play live, only shitty cam recordings on youtube and anamatics of the popular songs. If there is a level of nuance to the play that I missed in modern performances, feel free to correct me. The same could be said for the film, but I have had no exposure to the film so I am not including it in this rant.

Part 1. “This situation does not exist.”

So like, I get it. you wanna have your relatable portrayal of highschool and with the cliques and drama and the petty squabbles of the popular vs unpopular kids is often magnified by inexperience and raging hormones. Everyone remembers highschool as being more intense then it actually was, so often the melodrama in these sorts of stories is amped up to eleven. 

The ‘Popular Clique’ characters are never going to act like any rational person would ever act. When you’re a boring loser in highschool you will instinctively find ways to put yourself above the people who you consider to be your ‘enemy’. You’re smarter then them, they’re all druggy sluts, you’re a good person etc.

But the reason why this trope works is because its often presented from the perspective of the teenager, but by the end of the narrative has widened to a more mature point of view. We learn that everyone has their own shit going on, their own insecurities n crap, and by the end of the narrative the characters have literally and figuratively ‘graduated’ from the naive idea that there are inherently good and bad people. 

But Heathers is not about that. 

The popular girls are actually satan. Listen to that song “Candy Store” and think to yourself “do these characters feel like actual people? can i imagine how or why the girls act like this?”

The reason why popular girls are more popular then you is usually because they’re better then you. They’re prettier, funnier, nicer, or altogether more charismatic, and it still boggles my mind that anyone in this school would care what these Heathers bitches think of them. I actually knew girls like the Heathers in highschool myself, and everyone mutually hated them and ragged on them behind their backs because of how vapid and annoying they were. They had power over the freshmen for maybe five minutes before their targets found their own friends to hang out with those bitches are left in the fucking dust. 

And its not just a misconception of the main character, no she seems to be the only girl in her whole fucking school who is like “Um, maybe its????bad to be mean???” and the story treats her like she’s some fucking martyr for it. They even sing a song parodying the fact that a decent highschool narrative you’d expect Heather to be a human being with emotions, by having main girl make up a bunch of bullshit about “Pretty girls have feelings.” the whole thing seems to be a big fuck you to highscool narrative tropes but instead of going in a more realistic direction it just spirals into a petty unrelatable hell. 

Part 2: “If this situation did exist, it wouldn’t be happening to this character.”

Does anyone else find it incredibly far fetched that for some reason whenever a bunch of beautiful teenagers pick on another equally beautiful teenager its usually just because they dont like the color of her hair? I wanna know when we as a society decided that the shorthand for evil beauty is blonde hair, not because I find the trope harmful but just because it feels lazy.

Why isn’t Veronica one of the popular kids? Because she’s a brunette. Why does everyone treat the Heathers like royalty? Because they’re blonde. Does being blonde somehow make you a terrible person? I guess so. Its just a mutually agreed thing at this point. 

But again the reason why the blonde vs brown thing works in other highschool dramas is because the entire thing is based on the main character being petty, and in reality the brown haired girl is just as popular and surrounded by friends she just doesnt realize it because she’s too busy being jealous of some other bitch. 

Veronica is not this. For some reason, a beautiful, intelligent, kind, and generally cool girl has no friends besides The Fat One and everyone treats her like garbage. The fact that she has to seek “protection” from the Heathers at lunch because she gets bullied just for existing would be hilarious if it wasnt so pretentious. 

The play lets is know in no uncertain terms that Veronica is the only decent student at her school, and that none of the ostracization she feels is in her head. Its all real. They all hate her because she’s good and they’re bad, and there is zero tongue and cheek about it. The whole thing feels like a play within another piece of media. Like maybe theres a playwrite who is trying to depict her highschool experience, and its intentionally written to be as shallow and petty as her memories there. 

And even that might be okay if she is portrayed as being just a huge fucking whimp who lets people walk all over her, but nooooo she’s a strong female character! She sings a whole song about how she’s not gonna put up with their shit or let it bother her anymore and says she’s gonna fight back before they ‘come after her’.

Is anyone going to tell her that murder isn’t usually a thing that bullies do?

Like seriously. Bullying is a huge problem that can seriously damage people from the inside out, but its usually not because of any physical damage. If she’s decided that she doesnt give a shit about the Heathers, then thats it. She’s already won. They can’t touch her anymore because if she doesnt care then they’ll inevitably grow bored and do something else. she even has her own friends to hang out with now so its not like she’s being threatened in that way either. But instead she makes a big deal about how she’s a ‘dead girl walking’ like she thinks she’s gonna be shanked in the locker room or something.

But then we get to JD. 

Oh Jason Dean, you poor innocent soul. Unlike Veronica this kid is actually a victim of bullying and abuse, but its not from the so called ‘popular kids’, its from fucking Veronica herself.

Part 3. “Are we not going to talk about the fact Veronica raped a dude?”

Yeah. That shit happened. Here’s the official lyrics:

J.D.(spoken) Veronica? What’re you doing in my room?

VERONICA(spoken) Shhhh.Sorry, but I really had to wake you;See, I decided I must ride you till I break you.'Cause Heather says I got to go;You’re my last meal on death row.Shut your mouth and lose them tighty-whities!Come on!Tonight I’m yours,I’m a dead girl walking!Get on all fours,Kiss this dead girl walking!Let’s go, you know the drill;I’m hot and pissed and on the pill.Bow down to the will of a dead girl walking!

Like I know later on in the song he gives consent n’ shit but its more framed like he lets her because he’s intimidated more then anything else. And whats more from this point onward in the play Veronica pretty much becomes JD’s only emotional outlet. 

As someone whose known a lot of guys in this situation I can tell you that often they will do things they don’t want to to impress the people who they think are their only ally in life. More then anything these kinds of kids just want someone on their side, and will be roped into whatever toxic shit they need to keep these people with them. 

Veronica goes through this guilty arc thing where she blames herself for ‘creating’ him but ultimately realizes that he was always doomed to be this way because of his shitty situation. 

How fucking evil is it to perpetuate this idea? Oh no, Veronica isnt a bad person, she was just trying to help this kid by wrapping him around her finger and making him kill the people she doesn’t like but really its his fault for having a shitty childhood. 

The song “Meant to be Yours” is supposed to be a picture of how twisted and evil JD has become in following revenge, but in reality its nothing like that. It wasnt his revenge, he was doing it for her. Veronica very much did break into his life and rip him to pieces for no reason other then she wanted a lackey to help her get revenge on people who shouldn’t have even bothered her in the first place.

But no, he is ‘damaged’, and the only way to redeem him is to blow himself up so the girl who destroyed him wont have to accept any of the consequences for her actions. 

How the hell does Veronica ‘make things better’ at the end? She slaps a bitch and plans a sleepover. She was already doing that in the beginning. Why did JD have to die? He didnt. He fucking didnt. And the worst thing is that no even cares that he’s gone. 

Not even Veronica. 

She treats him like some kind of tragic monster that had to be killed for the good of mankind and everyone just fucking accepts it. 

So just a recap: Blonde people are evil, everyone will hate you for being a saint, its okay to rape teenage boys if you’ve properly gaslighted them first, and if you are ‘damaged, far too damaged’ it is your responsibility to kill yourself so your abuser can be popular like she always wanted.

What a great show. 10/10. hope it runs forever.

[hdawg1995]

Death isn’t pretty nor is it peaceful. its load, startling, and slow. you feel useless and yet you’re doing everything you can at the same time. you’re scared but everyone is. you’re load too and its hard to be quiet but you’re trying so hard cause she isn’t having a good time and you don’t want to stress her out while shes already laying in a puddle of mucus, saliva, and you think stomach acid. all you can do is pet her face and tell her shes a good girl and she’ll be okay. your mom isn’t helping and almost antagonizes you but you have to be there for her cause shes scared- who wouldn’t be scared? Shes a dog, she already doesn’t know whats going on or how to tell you, let alone why or what is actually happening. shes fighting something- she snarls and growls and screams, her lips curl up in such a way you only saw once and it was right before she attacked that bird right out of the sky. Dad comes home and gives you a hug but you’re so numb you can’t feel it. he doesnt want you getting too close because he doesnt think she knows what shes doing and later you’ll learn he was right. it takes hours to find a vet and than it turns out they are booked so your mom is on hold for thirty minutes with the humain society. the entire time shes moaning when she isnt sleeping- you think shes sleeping, shes breathing like shes sleeping and snores but it could have been the foam in her mouth muffling the snarls she makes at Death or her imagination or her situation. She growled at siturations- your sister not being home, being told she can’t go outside, being put in the wheel chair. She slowly throws her head back and for a moment you pray to God its a nightmare because the sounds she makes and the way her eyes roll back and the foam and the smell all make movies like The Grudge or The Conjuring look tame or even heart warming. She moves her legs as if to stand up and you ask if it would be a good idea to move her off her side and onto her belly. its decided this could be dangerous so you sit and pet her back. this goes on and on and on like a broken record or a video on loop. the silence, the moaning, the snarling, the head roll. you clean up the puddle as best you can and you rush to the toilet to vomit. you’re sure its not just mucus, stomach acid, and saliva now. a dark and twisted- no, terrifying!- thought enters your mind: you don’t want her to survive this. This is suffering. the damage will be too much. your mom says you’re not being realistic because you want her to describe the situation to the people on the phone instead of just saying “Our dog is dying.” so you scream. you scream and wail and hug yourself because your dog is suffering and you can’t help her. you dog is suffering and you can’t help her. your dog is suffering. and you can’t help her. she cries and screams and snarls all at once and you’re sure that sound will haunt you forever. you go back to petting her and cleaning the fluids away from her mouth. theres bits of flesh. you don’t acknowledge them since no one else did and the silence explains that every did indeed see them. mom gets though and she says two people are coming. you tell Bear she is going to be okay, that there are people she isn’t going to like because they are strangers coming to help her. she barks a sad bark that gets cut off by her gargling on foam you wipe away. shes quiet after that, but the head rolls continue and at one point she puts her paw on you. you think she wants you to hold it so you do. you’ll find out soon she wasn’t aware you were there or that you were holding her paw. you don’t know what to do so you trim her nails; she never let you trim the ones on her back leg so you do that. the others are fine. she has a matted chunk of fur you never saw on this paw. you trim it up and hear the sound of a truck stopping near the house. you go outside and two women in MHS uniform walk up: they see you crying and understand, one of them had a pet die recently. they ask dad if its okay to go inside, if theres other pets, what the situation is besides “the dog is dying”. when they come in your sister tells Bear “Bear, i know you’re not gonna like this, but there are TWO strangers here!” and she doesn’t react. the one lady speaks to dad while the other speaks to you and your sister. its explained they are going strait to the humain society with Bear because of her condition. Bear doesn’t loll her head, but she is pressing into Haley’s knee. Its explain she will be put down at the society. Its explained since they are taking her you can’t be with Bear in the room when they euthanize her. you remember how angry you got at a class mate when they said they hated these people for euthanizing dogs and you want to show him Bear. you want to scream at him “You think she can survive this?”. the lady says something about a paw print and it is explained unless we want to Take The Body Back you can’t have the ashes. you think about that and almost vomit right there in the living room while you pet Bear. Haley breaths out “fuck” and shes crying just as much as you. Haley says we can’t wait to take her some place else and the ladies agree. you want to go with them but you can’t, its not allowed. you want Bear’s ashes but the thought of going in, getting Her Body, and Holding On To It Until You Or Your Parents Or Sister Find A Cremation Service horrifies you and one of the ladies expresses she herself could never do that- she would break. Bear is going to be cremated with all the other dogs that need to be cremated At The End Of The Month. They have a guy that comes by. they’re going to send you a paw print- they were going to do that if you wanted it or not. Bear lolls her head and presses into Haley’s knee again. Dad asks how much this will all cost and the second lady leaves. “we don’t charge”. the lady comes back with a blanket and a rope leash you’ve seen on that Animal Planet show where they follow around Humaine society members and film them working. you tell Bear they have a blanket, just for her! the lady loops the rope leash around Bear’s neck and mom finally sees Bear. she asks all these questions that haley answers “thats how its been all morning.” Bear gets muzzled and the two women hoist her up onto the blanket and wrap her up. her nose sticks out and you reach out to wipe the foam from her chin but they move away and take her to the van. you follow them out and your legs are trembling. Haley says good bye first and thats when you learn Bear Had A Stroke. A very bad Stroke. Shes seen it lots of times. her own dog died of it. seeing a dog go though a stroke is terrifying. when they survive its heartwarming but they never survive ones this bad. mom says she wants to give Bear a treat. “She wouldn’t eat it. shes checked out up here.” she taps her head. “She doesn’t even know shes been moved. She probably doesn’t even hear your daughter, ma’am.” Haley gets out of the van and you climb in. you rest your head on Bear’s neck and tell her how much you lover her, how she was always a good girl. How you’ll see her again. “not soon” you assure her because you know Bear was always worried about you. she did everything she could to be by your side. “I’ll be okay. You’re going to be okay too!” you tell her and you’re positive she isn’t breathing anymore. you pet her again and climb you. the humanie society lady gives you a hug and it takes you a minute but you hug her back. she has good advice and assures your family you took great care of Bear. they say if you need anything to call them, and they remind you that if you get mail from them not to throw it out- it’s Bear’s paw print. the van leaves and you wail into your dad’s chest. mom ushers everyone inside and you stare at Bear’s food bowl. She didn’t get to eat breakfast. you and your sister sit in her room. you cry and shutter as you watch youtube on the xbox. it hits you that you should eat something but the thought of going into the living room rips a scream from you. your sister gets yo some water- she gets you three glasses of water- and she makes parsnip chips. you can barely sip the water and you eat the chips because you havn’t eaten all day since 9am and its 4pm now. you realize how long Bear suffered and you want to vomit. you realize how long Bear suffered. and you want to vomit. eventually Haley wants to go to bed, so you get up. you don’t want to be alone, you don’t want to be alone, she didn’t get to have breakfast she isn’t here anymore she wasn’t even aware you were comforting her you were useless and powerless you decide to stare at the ceiling as you walk into the living room and notice how quiet it is now that Bear isn’t barking you pawing at the standing fan trying to knock it down because she didn’t like it. you make yourself some chicken nuggets and fall to your knees in a silent scream. you go non verbal as your sister comes in to give you the water you left in her room and she hugs you. you eat your nuggets. you stare at Bear’s bed. you decide to make a tumblr post.

Death isn’t quiet and peaceful. Death is hearing your dog scream as she has a stroke.

[gypsysoulwanderer23-blog]

Im a spirit existing in a World I dont belong in. Never felt human as far back as 9 years old...

Just drifting. But Grayson. Grayson changed all that. But that meant facing A LOT of demons. Mark only gave me a year to "get better" after being diagnosed with PTSD, Bulimia, Borderline Personality Disorder (and she put "extreme" what ever the fuck that means) Anxiety to the max. Fuck. It took me a year to actually trust someone to BEGIN talking. I got kicked out of treatment centers, kicked out of detox, kicked out of hospitals, and if I wasnt kicked out I was right on the edge to be... Mental Ilness is fucking hard when you have to face it after being arrested at 29 years old. Living life a lie. Alls fine. I self harm, drink at 9 in the morning (no Mark, Im not an alcoholic, "ok". End of discussion). Shoplifting addiction to the max, you guys dont even know, I was good, I was bold, even challenged the manager of homehardwear for a loss prevention Job haha, I was good, I know I was, they dubbed me a "career shoplifter", its hard not to be proud of that when you remember the first thing you stole- a small pack of kleenex at age 8 or 9, and I said to my only 2 friends- you never know, when you gotta blow! So cleaver. Its an addiction, like any other. If you struggle with this, message me. I can help. If you struggle with suicidal thoughts, message me, I can help. If you struggle with drug/alcohol, well, were in this together, so lets get out. We're slowly dying and its painful. Everyday is painful. I dont want this anymore. I want to finally live. I dont want this artificial shit to keep me alive anymore. My Psycologist pointed out that I use my drug habbit as a replacement for human connection, and after some thought, he's a 100% correct. I can only stand so much "human contact". Thats why I come to a city I can hide. Thats why I came back. But now I have Grayson. I NEED to step out of this barrior I created. Im so sorry to the friends who tried to help along the way, and the friends who are still with me now... Donna, Corrine, Kendra, I owe so much, Janine for making me aware that I had an "eating disorder" I didnt even know what the hell "binging and purging" was! Until I described to her what I was doing... It was just something I did. I believe I was 28 when I found out. If your struggling, please just message me. Im not gonna lie, Im struggling too. But Im sick of hearing "if you just do this", if you think about that differently, if you could just get back out into the world, not all people are like that, the world isnt as bad as you think, theres a better future, your thoughts are what you think, think positively, just move on, get over it, oh I could go on. I was up-right abandoned by my husband. When I thought I was "better" in his timeline, he lead me to beleive things were okay for 6 fucking months, then bAM, one argument over text message and i asked "do you want a seperation or something" and he answered "yes I do". By this time I had bonded with Grayson soooooo much was sneaking into his bed at night to cuddle with him, putting him to bed at night, reading him stories, watching him learn, telling him imaginary stories.... my heart Is broken. And the only four other things that could replace my broken heart are either dead, or gone. Im all alone. Try fighting this fight all alone. I dont get it tho.... I used to be so independant... where the hell did that go??? I'll tell you where. Love. Love for Grayson and yes, even Mark. Love will fuck you right up. Leave a scar on your heart when its taken away. I. WILL. NEVER. LOVE. AGAIN. Grayson already told me he doesnt want to be replaced and so I promised him, I wouldnt. I was hurt enough now by too many guys to think anyone new is genuine. I can hardly keep in contact with my friends. Grayson. Hes my life now. Mark and the Grandparents arent letting Grayson have anything "of me" in their house so Im going to fight for more of Grayson in my house! I. Just. Have. To. Get. Better.

Just thought you all should know. Im not actively ignoring my responsibilities as a mother. When I came out of ponoka hospital in january I begged Mark to atleast let me take Grayson to school in the mornong, but nope, he would take him to his parents where his step dad got to take him to school, got to watch him walk down the line with the rope :'( i missed it all. Then I would get from 5-7pm of playtime with grayson, Mark would come home from work, plop on the couch, put his head phones in and listen to his podcasts.... how the hell did I not see he was done?? I was too involved with loving my boy, experiencing a new kind of love... Love. It ruined me. I will Never love Again.