#there's no harm in trying dek is one of my favorite deks

[relatablepicturesofdekuu]

[thekeigospichula]

CW// bkdk/ panick attack/ death/ anxiety/ blood/ self harming/ depression

I look at myself through the mirror, I look at my scars and the freckles on the tan skin, I look at my eyes and the tears falling one by one until they reach the floor.

I listen to the sound of my heart and my cracked sobs, the water running in the shower and the loud music in my cell phone.

I feel the cold floor under my feet and the cold on my bare skin, my dirty skin, my bloody skin.

I look at my hands, all the scars in the same place, the dirt still there, full of blood. I remember having cleaned my hands, but the blood never let go of my hands. I look in the mirror again and my body is crimson, dirty, guilty.

I hear the sound of the water running, I hear my breath, I hear my sobs, I hear screams, I hear cries, I hear people screaming at me to save them, I see hope in my eyes and I see blood splashing in my face.

I feel my legs giving up, I feel my heart rise my throat, I feel my head heavy, I feel my eyes hazed, I feel my mouth dry, I feel my skin in fire, I feel my body in water, I feel-

"Oi, Deku, you've been an hour there, get your ass out"

Kacchan?

"I-I" I can't speak, I can't breathe, I can't stand up, I can't move, I can't save, I can't be useful, I can't be a hero, I can't be pardoned. Why am I still here? Why am I still trying?

"Deku" 

Deku...

Hero Deku is here!!!, He will save us

HERE, HELP, I CAN'T MOVE

DEKU!!!, HELP MY SON, HE IS THERE

DEKU

DEKU

DEKU!!!!

DEK-AAAAAHHH

"DEKU, OPEN THE FUCKING DOOR"

"sorry" 

I couldn't save you.

"sorry"

I couldn't move faster enough.

"sorry"

I couldn't use any quirk.

"sorry"

I couldn't reach your hands.

"sorry"

I couldn't be enough.

I'm not enough.

∆∆∆

The water is boiling with a couple of chamomile flowers from our garden, a light soup already warm on the table, bandages and a first aid kit ready to take care of  my husband.

Everything's ready, except that fucker. I know him, him and his dumb brain that overthink everything, and that reckless mind of him that always makes me feel like I'm about to die.

The tea is ready, I'll put it in his favorite cup, it's a teamed one of us, when we did that comercial to a coffee company, we looked badass as fuck together. 

I wanted to take a shower together, but the damn nerd said he needed time alone, but it's enough time to cuddle and relax the shit out of him.

"Oi, Deku, you've been an hour there, get your ass out"

Silence, I lean my ear against the door, only hearing the loud music inside.

"Deku"

Silence again... No, sobs, he is crying.

"Deku, please, open the door" The sobs are louder and he's breathing really fast.

"Deku, listen to my voice, I'm here" Shit, he is having a panic attack. And I can't open the fucking door.

"DEKU" fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuck

"DEKU, OPEN THE FUCKING DOOR"

"sorry"

What?

"sorry"

Why this shit don't give up whit my fucking explosions?

"sorry"

I need reach him.

"sorry"

I need save him.

"sorry"

I need him here.

Where the fuck are the shitty keys?

No in the drawer.

No in the kitchen.

No in the key holder.

FUCK

I can't explode the fucking door, it can hit him, I can't explode the doorknob, the same shit. Fuck everything.

The mother fucker has to melt under my fucking hands.

It's fucking slow, I'm sweating, but that's good.

"I'm coming baby!"

The damn shit gave up. Fucking finally.

"Izu-STOP '' I take his hands trying to stop him from hurting himself even more. He is in the floor naked, burying his nails on his arms, his torso has fresh scratches and his face is looking down, hi's under a panick attack, fuck. "Izuku, baby, i'm here" I need a fucking cold towel, but I can't let him "Hey, baby, look at me, please" fuckfuckfuck "Izuku" I hug him, caressing his curls "Izuku, listen my voice please, I need you breathing slower" fuck, I try to reach the damn towel on the wall... Yes, I got it, now I need cold water.

∆∆∆

Bakugo put a towel full of cold water on Midoriya's nape, making the curled man gasp.

"Izuku, baby, hear me" the blond caress the green curls with one hand, and the other arm holding the bare freckled body "Please breath with me" Midoriya feel his lungs about to explode, he shake his head, breath hurts "No, don't gimme that, breath whit me, in" Bakugo inhale air and hold for a couple of seconds "And out" then exhale the air " Do it with me, in... and out, yes, like that, again" 

For a while they just still like that, Bakugo caressing the green curls of the man sitting in his lap, and Midoriya cuddles in Bakugo's chest until Midoriya holds himself.

"Do you wanna talk?" The crimson eyed asked caressing the wet cheek. Midoriya shook his head, he was really tired. Bakugo pressed his lips together in a line holding his husband closer "You know that I love you, right?" Midoriya nod his head "And you are loved" Bakugo kiss his head "And you're amazing" he kiss his forehead "And I need you" he kiss his cheek "And you are the most wonderful human being that I have meet" he lift the green haired chin, trying to look at that green beautiful eyes only founding pain and guilt in the dark eyes.

"I'm sorry" Midoriya said tears falling of his freckled cheeks "I'm so sorry"

"Why?"

"I-I couldn't" his voice cracks. "I heard them, they were relieved a-and then" he feel fall again, covering his eyes with his hands trying to continue, but he hear the voices again, the screaming, the fear. A warm hand caress circles on his back after to take off the wet towel on his nape, encouraging the green haired "I couldn't do anything" Midoriya said in a broken whisper "I HAD to save them" his hands lifting in his hair and pulling of it "But I was useless, I kill the-"

"No" Bakugo said in a soft voice, that one only used when he tried to comfort him "You didn't" the blond held the hands on the green hair and kiss his knuckles, relaxing the hands and kissing them again. Midoriya retracts his hands looking with fear at the crimson eyes.

"I did Katsuki, I used black whip to hold the structure, but I was week and I couldn't keep the thing still, I kill them I FUCKING KILL THEM" his voice sound broken and full of hate, because he hate himself for not being enough "THEY WERE RELIEVED TO SEE ME AND THEN I KILL THEM, THERE WERE KIDS, GOD" Bakugo was surprised, this is really huge. 

The freckled look at his hands, bloody again, dirty, disgusting.

"Izuku'' the blond hold his face with both hands, squishing the freckled cheeks "Hear me now, you didn't kill anyone, this is our work, sometimes we can't save everybody, sometimes we fail, sometimes there are hands that we can't reach, and that it's not our fault, okay?" The green haired look at his husband smiling, god, the most broken smile.

"If I can't be useful at least in this, then why am I here?" Crimson eyes wide in shock.

'Da fuck?

"Hey, what the fuck was that shit?" Bakugo stand up, holding the man in his arms and sitting him in the tub of his shower opening the warm water. Yes he knows that that is not the right way to full the tub, but yeah, fuck it.

"Listen to me fucking asshole" the blond said furious, but rubbing gently the green head whit the cucumber shampoo "You are a fucking human, piece of shit" gently clean the soap in the green eyes, and continuing rubbing the green curls.

"You value as a human doesn't have anything to do whit a stupid "use", stupid" he take the sponge and put on it liquid soap of orange and rub gently whit so much care the frackled face.

"It's about love idiot" he take off the soap again of his eyes "And ya love whit all your heart, you love like a stupid" he start to clean the scratched and sore arms and torso, the muscles legs and the rough feet.

"And you was the fucker that tough me that" Midoriya feel his chest warm, the way Kacchan touch him like he was something precious is priceless.

"And that is one of the million fucking things why I love you like a stupid" he washed the soap on the tan skin, caressing the beautiful skin, ful of constellation and thunders, he isn't soft, no, his body is rough and hard, but is warm and safe, being held for that scared hands feels like heaven, feel that beautiful skin against  his feels like home, almost like he was a child again, when he and his husband only mattered, no the world, no the heroes, no the civilians, only them.

"I'm sorry" Midoriya said, with tears in his eyes again "But I don't know what else to do" his wet hands reach his face "I feel that I need to do something" his body tremble under the crimson sight "I-I feel that love it's not enough" a sob broke into his lips "My love couldn't save anyone" and suddenly he feel dirty again, he feel the world on his shoulders and the pain in his chest.

"Now I'm fucking offended" Midoriya look at the crimson eyes whit confusion.

"Why?" The blond sighs, takes out his clothes and enters the tub with his husband splashing water out of the shower. His chest against the scared back and his chin on the green curls.

"Well, because you love saved me" he say hugging the muscle body "Me, the white hair child, the little asshole, All Might..." He pause to kiss the nape before him and thighing his embrace "And more people, that is here being loved for another one thanks to you" Bakugo rest his forehead in the smaller's man shoulder "And you love is really warm, and makes me feel all this stupid and dumb" he whisper "But makes me feel that maybe, I'm not a completely asshole"

"You're not an asshole Kacchan" the freckled man answer with a tiny smile caressing the blond wet hair.

"That's what I'm talking about, I'm an asshole, but you just treat me like, like I'm wonderful and I deserve you love, and that makes me think that I'm doing something good enough to make you think that I deserve being loved for you"

"Hey, Kacchan, you deserve love" Midoriya says a little angry "And you are incredible and amazing, and I know you are rude, but you're kind too" Bakugo chuckles funny.

"Ya, shutup, I'm the one comforting, you just let me cuddle you and take my stupid love" The green haired man smile "Fine, so, I was saying, I'm an asshole, I was more than an asshole, but you save me and now I'm a better human than before" he lean his cheek against the another man "Save is reach the hands that you can reach, win is save the ones you reached whit a smile, and sometimes you don't need necessarily win"

"Hey, who are you? What did you do with my Kacchan?" Midoriya jokes caressing his husband's cheek.

"Shutup, I'm madure now Deku" Midoriya laugh soft, forgetting for a moment his problems "I know that is hard, and... We need help okay?, I... I know that I'm not enough to you"

"Hey, no, Kacc-"

"No, let me speak'' he sigh leaning his forehead against the another shoulder again, whispering soft and gently "I know Deku, I'm bad with words, all that I told you, I had written before, I planed to told you this to comfort you when we were taking the dinner, I... Know that I-I, well, shit"

"Kacchan, it's fine, you don't need-"

"Yes I need, you are a vocal person, you need to hear the things and I'm not good at that" he tight his embrace even more "I can't help you with that, even if I try, so that's why we must visit a psychologist" Midoriya widens his eyes.

"But I though..."

"Yes, and I was a shitty stupid, we can go together or separate, I want to know how to help you, I want to know how to carry with you the weight on yours shoulde-ers" A sobs broke his last word.

"Kacchan..." Midoriya turn his face to see the blond hair still in his wet shoulder.

"Don't look at me, it's embarrassing" Bakugo bury his face in the freckled skin, trying to hide his tears.

"Sorry" Midoriya say with tears in his eyes "I make you cry" Bakugo lift his face, looking at the tears on his husband's face.

"Nonononono, fuck, don't apologize" he doesn't care about his tears "Stop crying" he say still crying.

"I can't, see you crying makes me cry, I'm so sorry Kacchan"

"Aaaaaahhhh, fuck" Bakugo try to clean his tears and stop his sobs.

"It's fine Kacchan, you can cry"

"But I don't wanna see you cry, makes me fucking cry"

"Kacchan is a crybaby like me" 

"Shut the fuck up" he hugs him again hiding his face in the curvature of his shoulder, sobbing in silence trying to hold himself, whereas Midoriya just let himself cry.

He remembers when they were children, one day playing in the little forest close to their houses, he fell, hurting his little hands and his knees, they were bleeding and looked worse than what they really were. He remembers crying so much, because really hurted, and remember seeing the crimson eyes staring at him, tears forming in his big eyes and falling on his childish cheeks.

"Kacchan, I'm bleeding, '' he said sobbing. Katsuki knelt down before his friend without knowing what to do, so he just hugged him. The little Midoriya could feel his shirt wet for his friend's tears"

"Don't die Deku" he said in a sob, scaring the little freckled"

"M going to die Kacchan?" Midoriya said crying harder"

"NO, you don't, I'm gonna carry you to a doctor to save you" the little Katsuki said trying to carry his friend, but his little arms couldn't whit the weight of his friend, making him cry harder, until a little hand tug his red shirt"

"It's fine Kacchan, let me here"

"NO, I DON'T WANT" in the end, they stayed together until the moon raised the sky and their parents found them cuddle in a tree with his cheeks wet"

Midoriya smiles before the memorie.

"You aren't going to let me alone, don't you?" Midoriya says with a smile.

"Never" Bakugo answer without hesitation.

"You're going to protect me, even if you don't know how, right?"

"Of fucking curse, I'm gonna learn how to help you" Midoriya smile whit watery eyes hearing his husband sobs against his skin.

"Fine, let's do this together"

FIN