#theres a macbeth opera happening this month and swan lake is being performed a little before my birthday.
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having a bad enough time that i am looking at what performances are scheduled for the ballet+opera near me and fantasizing about going on my own and having a nice time. which is maybe a normal thing for people with jobs to do but as i am a shut-in who has trained myself to stop having earthly material desires like tickets to performing arts things or any say over what my life looks like whatsoever is a dire sign
#in fairness i think it would actually be possible for me to walk to the center where performances happen.#theres a macbeth opera happening this month and swan lake is being performed a little before my birthday.#i would like to see them both very much. even though i know better.#i am feeling unwell for many reasons these days. it is bad enough that ive considered trying to learn how to drive#which goes against all of my moral and ethical beliefs.#i need the ability to do things for myself on my own. i really. i really wish more things were walkable here#well. in america generally. isnt that a nice thought. fucking alas.#im sorry im having a moment. the despair im feeling is crushing. there is nowhere i dont impose.#my life is tied to other people and what theyre able to help me with and so i dont have many options and its#i am so fucking afraid of everything. and everyone. and i dont know how to survive like this. but like#what else is there.#i know what else there is and if i had any sense i would have done it a long time ago but now im stuck here
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