#theres more to add but im too tirwd to even finish this post

[darkvveb]

realities of being mentally and physically ill:

"I'll just lay down for a bit until i feel better." its 11pm and i still havent moved.

my apartment is a disaster, and i mean that in the most literal sense. theres trash everywhere, laundry on the floor, i need to clean the litter box, my sink is full of gross dishes. i cant force myself to do anything about it. sitting in the mess stresses me out and makes me feel sick but i literally cant do it. i feel like a terrible pet owner because i feel like the cats dont have enough room to run around.

i spent over ten minutes the other day curled up under a blanket rocking myself because something triggered my ocd.

i havent showered in a week. when i finally do, i wont shower for another week after that. this has been going on for months.

i forgot to respond to my moms text five days ago. i cant even open it because i feel like its too late now.

there are three bags of trash sitting by my door. i havent taken them to the dumpster for two weeks. i probably wont take them for a while.

the only times that ive eaten a real meal are when ive ordered takeout.

i went to the grocery store last week and got fruit because its my favorite. i didnt wash them that day because i was too tired from going out. i still havent. theyre not any good anymore and need to be thrown out.

i havent brushed my teeth in months. i just cant do it. i feel disgusting. i dont know how to work around this.

ive been living in this apartment for almost two months. im still not unpacked. i dont know if i ever will be.

getting around the house is hard because im in so much pain, but i cant use my wheelchair because theres so much clutter on the floor. i cant clean up the clutter because, you guessed it, im in too much pain.

i just had to quit a job that i absolutely loved because my pain got so bad. i feel awful about leaving but i would have ruined myself by pushing any further.

most of my safe foods are unhealthy. i want to eat better but i cant stand most foods anymore.

im missing most of the skin on my fingers. my fingerprint sensor is struggling to read it.

i have a long list of projects i want to work on. i havent started any of them. i probably never will.

my mother texts me to ask how i am. i tell her im good. next to me, i set my drink down amidst the trash.

i used to be the high school valedictorian. now im a college dropout with a shitty part time job. i feel like my life is falling apart and i dont know if i want to keep it anymore.

every day i lose more of my vision. i dont know how much longer ill be able to drive. once i lose that, ill lose my current job too. i dont know what ill do when this happens.

my knee pain is getting worse. im scared to see a doctor because i worry that ill need surgery. i cant afford surgery. i also cant afford to take time off of work to recover. i put on my knee brace and get dressed for work.

my tics are getting more frequent. theyre happening at work now. nobody has said anything yet. it wont be long until they do.

i spend my days in a haze. i cant remember if that important event happened a day ago or a week ago. i dont know what day it is.