#these ones are more recent cuz I wasn't disabled all my life

[dazzlerazz]

Saw your tags, incredibly based I do the same of unintentionally intentionally making my OCs start off as bi ace unless smth suits em otherwise/better. Loved reading the tags tho :0 fun plot trope u got there

AIOHDSGFJ9-FUGIOHGI9-0FOIHJGI=es()OXFIG=soiXFH9isFG0[S OH GOSH HI

It's very easy to fall into "this oc is just like me fr" island because of self projection lol

I genuinely don't think I have any straight ocs, and that's a very weird thing to see compared to how I used to write my ocs when I was like 8-12, but it's not a bad thing! I enjoy it!

Thanks for the ask lol I love to talk about ocs

[icantspellhocky]

My thoughts about the first doctor-donna special that I'm currently freaking out about (/positive)

Okay, first of all, there will be spoilers for the recent(ish) special about the 14th doctor and Donna Noble. This only includes the first one because I got too excited about it so I had to take a break.

I was very skeptical about David Tennant coming back (he was my favorite doctor, but repeating faces is an interesting choice), but I had to watch this because DONNA NOBLE and I was not disappointed. First, the fact that the Doctor had David's face again was important and it sent a message to the Doctor about what had to be done. This was a meaningful thing that actually effected the situation, so I actually like the choice now. It's also really funny how The Doctor did like absolutely nothing to pretend like he wasn't The Doctor (other than not say his name) like seriously he looked into Donna's eyes and talked about the sonic screwdriver. Dude. Also, the Doctor's new face is because he can't move forward right now and needs to take a step back and get some closure. Like he doesn't usually get that chance, but now with his new face he can fix things and get closure both for himself and Donna (and maybe hang out with the Nobles??? also I'm so excited to see Wilfred again!!!!!). The conversation with Donna trying to convince The Doctor to hang out also highlighted key differences between some of The Doctors, because 11 would never be able to do that. 11 was antsy and could barely stay in place in the box episode. 12 and 10 could probably do it, but I don't think they'd love it that much and they'd probably get a little antsy too. But the 14th seems more interested in his people than the adventure (???) like I don't know much about him yet, but there was this one line about how 14 was more willing to express that he loved people and I think that's kinda what he's going to be all about. He's The Doctor that wants to get closure with those he loves. He gets that from 10 I think because ten had the whole scene where he was saying goodbye to Everyone even the people he shouldn't say goodbye to. Omg this is a long paragraph. Sorry!!

Also, I'm so happy to see Donna again!!! I love her so much!! She is relentless in a good way and absolutely would not stop questioning people about what the fuck was going on until she had an answer and I love her for it. She definitely Noticed that things were weird based on how people were acting pretty early on and she's so wonderful. Also, when she was talking about how she was fired because she spilled coffee on a computer my immediate thought was that there were some dangerous things in that computer and she did it on purpose. And then she immediately "spilled" coffee on Sexy's console (definitely on purpose!!!! <3333) and I love her so much!!!!! (Could you tell I love Donna Noble??)

Also, Shirley (the UNIT scientific Adviser who's name was mentioned once)!!!!! I absolutely love her line about whether there are life forms on the spaceship: "But we don't know what kind of life we're looking for." LIKE OMG!!!! Recognizing that alien life might not be classified as "life" by our current deffinitions!!!! Because we don't know everything about the universe!! and we also might not be able to detect everything OMGGGG!! Also the bit where she finds the doctor and has a conversation with him is wonderful. Absolutely love it. (ALSO HAVING SOMEONE IN A WHEELCHARE WHO ISN"T COMPLETELY PARALIZED IS COOL BECAUSE YOU LIKE NEVER GET THAT IN TV) "What for?" "I don't know" "oh" lmaooo silly exchange right there. Also it's cool that she gets a specialized wheelchair with weapons. Also, the fact that she's disabled isn't ignored. Like it actually effects the plot. Cuz if she had been able to climb those stairs she would have been mind controlled too and that would have messed things up. And the fact that the situation wasn't accessible was mentioned and not like talked around. Like she was still seen as a full human, not just despite her disability, but including it. Ya know?

Also, Sexy (the TARDIS) is gorgeous!!!! Like she's so pretty. Her circle-ey platforms and sleek look and the dots that change colors!!!!!! I love her. Lovely.

Also, it's so funny that The Doctor sneaked into the area with the space ship when he could have just walked right in because he's The Doctor.

[sjweminem]

do you miss your dad in a quantitive way? ive recently lost someone close to me and it hurts but you seem to be coping so well even tho its been years

i think a whole lot of it has to do with some of my own illnesses/disabilities (especially autism and SZPD), actually, as well as a severely trauma-ridden life..so i guess the """""""short"""""""" version (literally this fucking essay IS a short rundown) of the deal is this:

not only was i born with a predisposition for emotional scarcity, but also live the damage done by a life so harsh it just drains you of the more basic human emotions. i think that's why i'm so obsessed with math? everything is an equation to me. now, i loved my dad more than anybody on earth, but i don't know what "grief" means since i wasn't equipped with it, i don't think i know what it means to be "sad" (i'm recalling this old journal entry in which i said i was jealous of people who got sad, cuz like their mom died or they had a breakup or put their dog down etc. because my definition of the word "sadness" portrays it as a state of being with an inherent end-point, and good god did i wish i could be sad for that fact alone (i still have that journal, i can post that page or others if anybody wants, it's probably explained better there). the last time i cried was in drug detox like 3 years ago and that was due simply to the physical pain of opiate withdrawal. otherwise i straight up CANNOT cry, it's like i'm physically incapable of it. i think the ability has been taken.

it would make sense to cry over my dad, that exact moment while i was talking to him and felt life exit and soften the hand i was holding; at the moment we were looking each other in the eye and then suddenly..weren't. no tears; the mathematical equation had just been completed- when you become an adult it is the natural progression of things and has been for millennia. it made sense, it added up.

maybe, for weeks to come, it looked to others like i was repressing my Sadness (my WHAT?), that i wasn't letting myself Mourn (umm i don't think anyone ever taught me that ability?) but i'm still like that to this day. personally i just appreciate that i had him as a father, that he cared for me while my mother worked, taking me out for fun little adventures. i love that i had a father who so openly showed his love for me, was affectionate and never closed-off, and also he was brilliant and hilarious. moving on, i appreciate that the remainder of his life post-diagnosis was bright, that he moved in with us, that he and i got to be close again, that he continued with his passions. i hope you can gather past memories/positive facts to be seen through this kind of lens that eases your hurt.

i'm proud that i was the one to take care of him, driving him to and staying around for every single chemo session, sitting up next to his bed where he'd watch me draw in amazement. i'm delighted that the very last thing he felt while still a living human was my hand on his, that the very last thing he ever saw was my smiling face, that the last thing he ever heard was my voice. that's enough for me. i don't understand why i should feel hurt. i have plenty of "oh man i wish my dad could see this drawing!/hear about this stupid thing i did today!/etc but i mean..hey, i wish a lot of things! i wish i lived with mobius in a little house in maine! i wish there weren't so many dirty dishes in the sink right now! i wish my skin didn't get so dry no matter what i do why is it so fucking dry! i don't dwell. maybe the fact that i can't feel sadness and loss and whatever but am still able to feel love and affection work out in this case.

all that being said though, i wouldn't call any of this "coping well"- i just never HAD to cope. and i wanna make sure this doesn't come off as braggy abt how Strong i am or make you feel jealous for how i handled this loss!! like i come on here for people and content and i cuz i think i'm funny but the downside is it can project an inaccurate picture. like even if you've read the worst of the worst about my life and self i've cared to mention here over the years you've still only read the children's edition. if anybody ASKED for a real rundown i'd be totally fine writing that dissertation and pop some pics in for extra fun but i'm not the kind of person who whines all woe is me on their social media as if everyone cares lmao