#these two are just kissing and canoodling and everyone else iS SUFFERING

[jayceart]

Book 3 was so wild everyone was having such a bad day and then they're just-

[ceealaina]

Title: America’s Ass[Hole] Collaborator Name: ceealaina Link: AO3 Square Filled: C5 - Retirement Ship: Bucky/Steve, Bucky/Steve/Sam  Rating: Teen Major Tags: Alternate Universe - No Powers, Alternate Universe - Coffee Shops and Cafes Summary: Steve and Bucky have been together for years -- and they've been crushing on Sam for nearly as long. Turns out all they needed to seduce him were some inappropriate comments about doughnuts, an asshole customer, and one of Steve's famous 'Captain America' tirades. Word Count: 1854

Bucky looked up as the bell dinged over the door, a lazy smirk crossing his lips at the two figures elbowing each other on their way through the door. “Well,” he purred, leaning forward across the counter in the most seductive way possible -- not easy when he was wearing a hot pink frilly apron -- and waggling his eyebrows at the two of them. “If it isn’t my two favourite Captains America.” 

Steve rolled his eyes, but Sam gave him a pointed look. “There’s flour on your nose.” 

“You’ve gotta let that nickname go,” Steve grumbled as Bucky made a face at Sam. There was a slight flush on the top of Steve’s cheeks and Bucky preened a little, because oh yeah, fifteen years later and he could still make his boyfriend blush (the fact that Steve blushed as easily as he breathed was neither here nor there). 

“Hey, it’s not everyday that your boyfriend gets picked to be the PR face of the good ol’ US of Army,” he pointed out, going a little cross-eyed as he tried to see the tip of his nose to rub the flour off.

Steve huffed, but Bucky could see the small smile fighting its way onto his lips. “That’s not even me anymore.”

“Hence the Captains, Stevie,” he told him, giving Sam a wink. “I’m not gonna forget about Captain Handsome here. Try and keep up.” 

Sam rolled his eyes, though neither Bucky and Steve missed the little nose wrinkle that he always did when he was feeling flustered. “You two are gross,” he informed them. “It’s been like a hundred years. Aren’t you sick of each other’s ugly faces?” 

“Constantly,” Steve agreed easily, grinning look Bucky gave him. “Can’t stand the sight of him.” He shrugged helplessly, grin turning soppy. “But what can I do, I’m in love with him anyway.” 

“Gross,” Sam confirmed. “I’m gonna grab a table. Call me when you’re done flirting and being all smitten with each other.” 

In unison, Bucky and Steve both turned to watch him go, Bucky leaning forward over the counter to get a better look. “Hey, Sam!” he called, grinning when Sam’s steps faltered slightly but he didn’t turn around. “Hate to watch you go, but I love to watch you leave,” he drawled. Both Sam’s hands came up, flipping him the bird over his shoulder, and Bucky laughed. 

“Buck,” Steve hissed when Sam had settled into a seat. “Come on, you’re gonna scare him off.” 

Bucky just snorted. “Hate to break it to you, pal, but if we haven’t scared him off yet, we’re not gonna.” He waved his metal arm at Steve. “He stuck around when I lost my arm, and had to get out of the army. Remember? I didn’t shower for like a month, don’t know how anyone besides you could stand to be near me. But Sam? He stuck around. Dragged me out of bed and outside, and I know he took you drinking when you didn’t know what to do with me anymore. And!” He gestured around the bakery. “Who was the one to back me up when I had the ridiculous idea to open up a bakery for both people and their dogs, despite having no professional training whatsoever? Sam.” 

“This place is great!” Steve insisted. “Giving people a chance to share a treat with their service dogs? That’s brilliant, Buck.” He was just a little too earnest though, and Bucky fixed him with a look. 

“You thought I was crazy, Stevie. Sam was the one who convinced you to let me give it a try. It might not be quite the way we want yet, but he’s been a part of our relationship almost as long as we’ve been together. He’s not going anywhere.” 

Steve made a face at him. “When the hell’d you get so smart?” 

“I’ve always been smarter than you, punk. You were just too dumb to notice.” 

Steve huffed at that, but he was obviously fighting back a smile. “Still,” he protested. “I thought we agreed we were gonna take it slow.”

“This is slow!” Bucky insisted. “If I don’t flirt inappropriately, he’s gonna know something’s up.” 

“Hey!” Sam shouted, interrupting them both and making Steve jump. He looked up from the table in the corner where he was scrolling idly through his phone, giving them a grin. “Are you two gonna stand there canoodling all day, or can I get a goddamn doughnut over here?” 

“Yeah, yeah!” Steve waved him off as the bell rang over the door, another customer coming in. “I’ll be there in a minute.”

“Oh!” Bucky’s face lit up. “I almost forgot, got a new doughnut for you idjits to try. Hang on a sec.” He darted out back and into the kitchen, returning a moment later with a tray of chocolate doughnuts, all covered in red, white, and blue sprinkles. “Ta-Da!” he proclaimed. 

Steve gave a long-suffering sigh, although he was grinning too. “You’re a jerk,” he told him, shaking his head at the tray. “I can’t believe I’m dating you sometimes.” 

Bucky just grinned even wider. “Wanna know what I’m gonna call them?” 

“I really don’t think that I do.” 

Bucky giggled a little. “Cap’s Asshole!” 

Steve nodded, eyes going skyward. “Of course you are.” 

“Get it? Because everyone wants to eat it!”

“Yeah, no, I got it the first time.” Steve started to say something else, but before he could, he was interrupted by the customer who had walked in behind him. 

“That’s fucking gross, man. What, are you gay or something?” 

Bucky shared a look with Steve, arching his eyebrows and not even trying to hide his smile as he peered around him to take in the new customer. “Uhhh, yeah,” he acknowledged easily. “Well, bi, technically. But, like, super bi.” 

The customer, it seemed, didn’t quite know how to take this. He’d apparently been expecting Bucky to be offended at being called gay (even though he’d just been talking about rimming Captain America’s asshole, for fuck’s sake) and he shifted awkwardly, obviously uncomfortable with his easy admission of his sexuality. His mouth opened and closed a few times. 

“It’s still gross,” he muttered. 

Steve didn’t try to hide the laugh that slipped out. 

“And anyway!” he added, more triumphant now that he thought he had a point. “It can’t be Captain America. It’s a chocolate doughnut.” 

Bucky stared back at him blankly. “And…?” 

“And Captain America’s white, dumbass. He’s not fucking black.” 

He said ‘black’ like he meant something else and Bucky’s eyes went wide. But before he could say anything -- probably kick the guy out -- Steve was whirling around.

“Excuse the fuck outta me?” He stepped in close and the customer’s eyes went wide, both at the sheer size of Steve and at being met with Captain America in person. “I don’t know if you noticed, dumbass, but I’m not Captain America anymore, he is.” 

He pointed across the room at Sam, who was looking a little startled at being called out like that. Sam’s gaze shifted over to Bucky, who gave him a quick, reassuring wink. 

“And he’s already ten times the Captain America I’ve ever been. So we don’t need your fucking mansplaining ass coming in here telling us that like the colour of his skin makes one ounce of difference to the kind of man he is.”

“Jesus, alright,” the customer muttered, eyeing the doorway a little desperately. “What is he, your boyfriend or something?” 

“Nope.” Steve popped the p. “That one isn’t my boyfriend, but that one is.” He pointed his thumb over his shoulder at Bucky. “Although, we’re taking applications for, uh… joint chief of staff. And you’re probably too straight to even know what I mean. But if Bucky wants to rim Sam to kingdom come, he’s more than welcome to.” 

He stopped then, seeming to realize what he’d said, and the customer took advantage of the break in his tirade to make a run for the door. Steve slumped back against the counter, cutting eyes briefly over to Sam. 

“Did I just say that outloud?” he asked, answering his own question before anyone else could. “Oh god, I did.” 

He groaned, burying his face in his hands, and Bucky gave his back a couple comforting pats before chancing a look over at Sam who… Didn’t look upset. He was leaning back in his chair, arms folded across his chest, a small smile playing over his lips. 

“Joint chief of staff, huh?” he asked. Steve peeked at him from between his fingers, and Bucky held his breath. “Not your best metaphor, Rogers. Still…” He got to his feet, sauntering over to the two of them. “I am a huge fan of the way you defended my honour there. Not that I need it, mind you, but still. It’s kind of hot.” 

Steve’s arms dropped heavily to his sides and he swallowed hard. “Is that… Is that a yes? Cause Buck and I…” He glanced back at Bucky, who was leaning forward against the counter, positively beaming. “We’ve talked about it, a lot. We, uh…” He ducked his head a little. “We were trying to figure out how to ask you out.” 

“Not for a threesome!” Bucky added quickly before making a show of looking Sam up and down, ogling and waggling his eyebrows. “Well, not just for a threesome. We want that too, obviously, but we also just want… All of you.” 

Sam was still smirking, but his nose was wrinkling again and he couldn’t keep his eyes from going all soft and pleased. “I know,” he told them. “You two are about as subtle as an infomercial.” He glanced behind him. “You know that table is only like a foot away, right? I was just waiting to see which one of you broke first.” 

Bucky snorted, shaking his head. “You’re such an asshole,” he declared, sounding thrilled about it. Sam just shrugged. 

“Doesn’t that mean I’m gonna fit right in with you two?” he offered. 

And then, while they were still absorbing that, he leaned in, curled his hands around Steve’s neck, and pulled him down for a slow, lingering kiss. Steve made a startled noise, eyes wide, before he sighed and sank into it, hands moving to squeeze at Sam’s hips. Bucky just watched the two of them, his mouth hanging open as he grabbed at the counter for support. 

“Holy shit,” he drawled. 

At the sound of his voice, Sam pulled away from Steve, ignoring his whine of protest, and leaned over the counter to give Bucky an equally mind melting kiss, grinning against his lips when Bucky groaned loudly. 

“So listen,” Sam said. “You’re the boss. Any chance of closing early today so we can get the fuck outta here?” 

“Yup!” Steve decided, even though it wasn’t his bakery, but Bucky was nodding too. 

“Sure thing, handsome,” he promised, just as the bell rang over the door again. “Sorry, we’re closed!” he hollered, not bothering to look away from Sam and Steve. A wicked smile crossed his lips. “I gotta eat Cap’s Asshole!” 

@buckybarnesbingo