#they are still like this but i am less confused about gender now (conclusion: doesnt matter doesnt exist in me properly)

[amatureish]

empty

ive romanticized

amd gloryfied

the emptiness that comes

with being alone for too long

so now

each day

i resign myself

to avoiding conversations

and shoving everything down

as far as i can

i thought it was

a strange kind of beauty

where the silence could grow

and the true nature

of all things

would be found

but i was wrong

and now

when i try to say anything

i cant

my eyes well

my throat closes

my tongue numbs

and i cant say a word

without tears spilling

and that sound

that awful sound

becoming the only thing that

can be heard from me

i wish i had known better

when i was younger

and could still talk

without thw looming sense

that if o slip

and say something

i will be left alone

and empty

perhaps even

beautiful

[manic-panic-sapphic]

How did u figure it out you were a lesbian because I have no idea I can’t tell if I find boys attractive or if I just think they are cute (I don’t know how to word it) or if I think girls are attractive or if I just want to look like them. Can u offer any advice to figuring it out? Sorry to bother you.

You're not bothering me at all my friend, I'm happy to offer an answer! Well... I'll try, I'm not a good talker but I'm happy to do what I can to help ^^~♡

Now, before I say anything: I want u to know that its okay to be confused about sexuality, attraction and it's fine to question it - I sure as hell did! The best advice I have is to just take a deep breath and let it come to you. Let yourself fall in love and get into relationships in your own time. You don't have to label yourself, you can simply say "I just like people, I like what I like and I dont want to give it a label". Nothing wrong with that ^^ it's also okay if you dont know what kind of attraction you feel, romantic, sexual or otherwise - you can be pan- or bisexual and have certain preferences/attractions towards specific genders, I.e. you might really be into the idea of dating men but the thought of having sex with men grosses you out, whereas you could feel sexual and emotional attraction towards women. This doesn't make you explicitly lesbian, you're still pan/bi/label-less/whatever you choose to identify as, but just have a stronger preference for women. And that is okay - doesnt make you any less valid, so dont feel pressured about finding a label just yet ^^ it might come to you one day, it might change, and if you never figure it out, that's also fine! Sexuality is so fluid for some people that sometimes you physically can't narrow it down to something as simple as gay or straight.

I've personally always been a little on the fence regarding my sexuality. I dont think I've ever been into guys at the same level as a standard straight person... I've always felt pulled towards girls even if I couldnt really name the feeling. I just wanted to spend time with girls. Me being somewhere on the asexual spectrum and all, I don't really experience sexual attraction to any genders generally speaking, and throughout my high school years I never cared about finding a partner. I did not understand what my friends meant when they said "this person is so hot", be it male or female. I lied about a lot of my male crushes in high school because I thought there was something wrong with me and didnt want to be called out for being different. I wasnt too afraid of the 'lesbo-label', I've always been self confident in staying true to my identity, but the "you dont feel attraction? you must be a violent emotionless serial killer" rumours really scared me, especially because I was really into horror and black metal 😂😂

In terms of me realising I was a lesbian, I think I sort of figured it out when I came to the realisation that I had this massive need to protect someone, and to be the strong, dominant counterpart in a relationship. Unlike other girls I knew I didn't want a guy to protect me, to cuddle me, to buy me presents because I wanted that role. I've nicknamed it "the knight in shining armour complex" 😂. I preferred the company of girls, especially girls who were more feminine than me and physically smaller than me, who I could impress by showing my physical strength to them and taking stupid risks like trying to skateboard when I had no skill for it *cringes*. I didn't really like the idea of making myself look attractive to guys, or male attention, and I've always seen guys as equals in rivalry and friendships rather than people I'd like to date. Anyway I was 14 or so when I started silently identifying as bisexual because I realised how I was seriously into my best friend. I was like you at the time, not sure of what attraction I felt towards guys or girls, which is why I didnt jump straight to the lesbian label, but spending time with this girl who I'd known for 4 years sparked emotions that no guy ever had. I was the athletic one and always had a need to show her how "masculine" I was. I wanted to protect her from everything, I would feel so excited by little touches and hugs and when we'd share a bed at sleepovers, and I was really into the inside joke we had that she was my wife. She said it in the best friends way but I really wanted it to be true. I'd get super depressed and moody at her when she told me about male crushes because I wanted to have her for myself - again, I wasnt sure if it was me being a lesbian or a protective best friend. But yeah, it took me a year to think it over before I finally accepted that I might be a bit gay, hence why I took the bisexual label. Once the bitch I once called my best friend stabbed me in the back and caused me life long trauma and trust issues concerning relationships (thanks Kaye, really appreciate it), I didnt have any crushes on anyone for 3 years and just stuck to the bisexual ace label for that time. I was still really confused about sexuality but I had exams and university to think about so I thought 'screw it' and figured that it would just make sense once I found a partner... and it did. I met my first girlfriend at university, and spending time within a lesbian relationship made everything make sense: I had a 'eureka' moment where I was like "this is exactly what I've been wanting. This is what's been missing from my life. I now know for a fact that I like girls. I want this, I dont want a guy.". So in conclusion it took me near enough 5 years to work out that I was gay, and occasionally I'll meet a real soft super sweet guy and think "am I bi after all???", so even though I'm like 99% sure I'm lesbian and can't see myself ever getting married to and settling down with a man, that 1% swings by every now and then and makes me question everything.

I guess what I'm trying to say in a really really unnecessarily long answer: take your time. Embrace those emotions for guys and girls, and let it come to you. Theres no easy way to work it out, unfortunately, but You'll find the right people by just taking it one step at a time. I believe you'll come to a conclusion that works for you by just taking it easy and not forcing yourself into slots that you don't necessarily fit in. 😁 hope I was able to help at least a little~ 💕💕

[thebarbieblogzzz-blog]

BBRT (Barbie’s Book Review Time) !!! #1

 Enyd Blyton- The Famous Five : Five Go to Smuggler’s Top

 Alright... so who havent heard of enyd blyton am i right? Her famous five book is very famous and been sold million copies. Shes definitely an author I’ve ever heard of, and a book I’ve once read- just one book I forgoteither it was The Kirrin Island / The Treasure Island series, I’ve read one. and thinking that I’d be forgetting her style of writing is, turned out i dont. İ still pretty much remember. Alright, so here it is. I mean, it’s a children’s book, when I was much younger than i was now, 21 , that book seems far far more interesting. Now, doesnt mean it doesnt interest me now, but its just far far less interesting. İt’s still a well- written book, readable, pretty worth your time if you want to spend time reading her books i mean its not bad, but, for adults, of course, i wouldnt really recommend it, cuz the stuff is basic as fuck but what can you expect? İt’s a children’s book, and even only by reading her book once, before i could only tell the pattern, the characterization might be strong, but , why is George, the look –like boy female character has to always too much stressing out about his dog? İ mean we get it, you love your dog, but doesnt it has to be in every series we’d be reminded of how much George so much loves he has (almost obsess, actually) with his dog, Tim? At first it was cute, and we can really tell the really sweet relationship between George and his dog, but like even reading it twice, its too much now. And its almost the same, becuz she’s naughty, she’ll be locked up in some place, and her motivation to leave will be because of tim, and while she gets out in the “hill, by the window, looking at the neighbor’s window” she’ll be somehow, hearing the culprit’s conversation, in which later is gonna be the mistery. And should we reminded everytime, that everyone thought George is a boy, everytime, as it was the biggest issue, thats happening to the world right now. İ dont know man. İ mean its an interesting story, for kids, maybe. And the characterization pretty iconic and strong. But like, i dont know if I will continue reading on this enyd blytons series, and i mean its a kids book what could you expect. And my favorite character there will be Julian, he kind of remind me of Fred. ( I have a crush on Fred when i was a kid btw) Ehe. its just something about a oldest, and the leading boy, who take care of anything, responsible and wise and manly.. huh... yeah , if i was gonna read enyd blyton again, itll be for the julian character hehe. But anyway, i remembered it used to be a quite enjoyful book when i was a kid, maybe not now. But i’ve finished the book in about 2 days and just keep reading it for i remember. İ mean, in conclusion, its a good children book, that would not be really enjoyful for an adult to read, but still its not gonna be a waste of time even tho youre end up reading it anyway cuz all in all its a well putten up book. And what i like? İ like the strong background, strong characters, and the simple but rich heritage of this book that it could turn into numbers and numbers of book series, so i like the simplicty and the simple but rich heritage of this book, and the consistency, somehow it has it perks. And i like this thing, im onto this thing, where a series of something is (like a book, or a movie) and be putten up as a book set or dvd) i just strangely have a (Whatdo youcallit?) “That” that makes me just.. i dont know  i like it its what i meant. (omg, my vocabulary needs to be improved immidiately) okay, and What i dislike about this book also could be in the league of consistency, i just thought that somehow it will seems so much repetitive, the pattern could be predicted, the somehow not too broad perspective, and the easy to predict character, anyway i cant blame too much cuz its a a childrens book, but also what i like about this, this hasnt much anything dirty in there, not that ive read so far so thats good. Even tho the gender- confused george, is a... i dunno. Anyway the qualities, i think this is a book with qualities, for a simple , consistent, sure choose of sentences, and the rich background and strong character and iconic name for the book, for the story, and for the choice of characters is memorable, the story is pretty visual so definitely could be turned into movies or series. My feelings about em- yea- its an iconic children book- and it could be a pretty well tv or movie series- pretty visual, do i liek it? kinda yeah. What i like the most about this that it has many series, i always find it so cute for a serial thing like that, and the book is so small, i think what i like the most about it is the packaging, the many series of it and how small and cute illustrated the book is, and it has some illustration in there too (even tho its kind of old illustration) but like.. i think thats what i like the most about the book, but still its a quite well wrtitten book, oh what i forgot about it also, somehow its quite visual but somehow when julians escape or when theyre in action, the description were kinda blurry, it wasnt visual enough, and i just didnt get so much tension, but like its pretty misterious but like, i just didnt get as much tension but anyway yea, its stil worth it.