#they came to ME telling ME they wanted to be more fmeinien bc they felt like everything outside of them didn't want them to be

[wyrddog]

so apparently the way i manipulated my ex into “not being themself” is by myself feeling like their posts they would tag their ocs in reminded me too much of me and so i tried seeing if we could just unfollow eachother from all social medias to avoid seeing eachothers posts (so they could keep oc posting and i dont hafta feel all fuckey in myself) which they didn’t want to happen and begged me not to do, so then i continue on, every other month, bringing up that i feel invalidated by seeing these things about their oc and them ignoring me or just saying “ i wont post about them anymore” which i kept saying?? i didn’t want them to do??? it was fairly clear to me that things werent wqorking out for so long but they would just convince me to stay-- anyways they randomly spring on me that they dont feel like this oc and this oc reminds them of their dad and the way their dad traumatized them making that oc militant or toxicly masc etc. and i’m like “okay sure, be whoever you wantg to be man” and then go on to say “tumblr demonized being feminine to me so now i want to be feminine” so like.... all of this shit about me trying to convince them to be feminine.... kinda smells of bullshit to me

esp since i actively let them imprint on pretty much whichever character they felt suited to at the time-- sometimes they were mj, other times they were tao-- taos not exactly what i would call feminine (neither is mj for that matter tbqh) though he can be? tao seems more masculine than me, at least traditionally.

so apparently what i end up doing is being their oc because in my mind i want to be the man of their dreams but at the same time i dont want to change so id say im their oc because if i was then anything ig whatever id be doing would already be natural for that oc, even though what im like and what this oc is like are different in various ways-- like this oc is really punk and thats kinda it but im like punk but also into psychedelic stoner shit so i’d be all of those things. and this point-- from reading all these tagged oc posts that i resonate with and hearing all these stories they tell me about this oc that i resonated with in my mind it sort of became that i just *was* that character because i keep seeing them tagged in things that remind me of myself-- so this character, in a way reminds me of me but i laos felt like i was more than just that but that being more than just that was threatening to them or that they wouldn’t like it.

so i find this [them talking about their inner voice that’s telling them to k/ themselves and that they’re worthless a series of messages but i picked this one out bc relevent];

so apparently they felt like they weren’t good enough to be with me? which quite honestly... after what they did to me, no they aren’t good enough for me, but this insecurity seems to be what was driving them to keep begging me to stay-- i just cant find any real evidence of me telling them they have to be different though-- what i suspect is going on, however, is they were expecting a lot of the same shit they went through with their ex friend/roommate who was abusive and manipulative in ways and thought i was manipulating them to be feminine the way he did????? i just dont find myself caring enough about extrenal people to control them, all i can control is my own experience and idc about what they did but i knew the kind of person i wanted to be with and sometimes they were that person ,its just when they would change and become someone else, and not just bc of mental illness or something just become an entirely different person i couldn’t handle it and i just wanted distance

-whatever-

either way, my ex is clearly to me insecure and has been insecure from the get go. i only became insecure when i realized i wasn’t what they wanted :/ its like they tricked me into thinking i was but then they slowly revealed what they truly wanted and it just wasnt fully what i am so :/