#they can literally work on whatever else they want just pls not this ughhh anyway

[oreolesbian]

the duffer brothers…want to make (yet another!) live-action death note…for the love of god leave that series alone 😭

[tellmesomethinggg]

****

linking this here bc it was technically a journal? i just don’t want it on my notes anymore and if i ever (likely not to) want to re-read for whatever reason. please note that i knew people would read this so things are censored and are the basic version. also there was a switch at one point from **** to chris because i didn’t want things to be read

(for later when i got time lmao)

Matt is a piece of shit that just wants to fuck -Chloe

well fuck

here goes nothing

the plan: don’t get drunk bc i got shit to do early next morning and ill tell him tomorrow when i do get drunk. spoiler alert that didn’t work

Gaby (coles gf) came too btw

so i had a smirnoff ice and said no more than two shots after so id be buzzed but not fully drunk (i ended up having three and was very much drunk)

me jon and gaby we’re talking about guys and i mentioned something about liking a guy or some shit and gaby looks at matt and then me and confirms it with me. then she tells me that apparently when she met me and a few other friends at the beach last quarter, that she predicted the two of us would end up together and told cole this. im like wtf how and she claims she’s psychic lol

later, Matt and i are on the sack and he looks at me and goes do you like me and im thinking well fuck so i say yes and he’s like well shit sorry but (and then i forgot exactly what he said) something along the lines of it’s not mutual or it’s not the right timing (i forgot okay) and then he gets up after a bit to go to the bathroom (I’m pretty sure cole went out too) and then me gaby and Jon have a chisme session and they think that he does like me but whatever

so the guys come back and at this point i really need to pee again so matt offers to take me and we start talking and he’s all, oh im sorry if i led you on and shit and im like it’s alright ill get over it, it just might be a bit awkward for me for a bit. but then on our way back from the bathroom he asks me , do you wanna at least kiss your crush at least one time and im like uhh yeah so he kisses me and then we start talking but i forgot about what and im kinda dizzy so he says, oh let’s sit on the couches for a bit before we go back, so we do and somehow we kiss again and then start making out

and at this point im like bitch there’s no way you don’t like me like why would you do that if you didn’t

so we finally go back and it’s been some time so the rest of em are obviously curious

matt goes with cole to the bathroom again and the three of us have a chisme session otra vez and they’re like yeah he fucking likes you he’s prob just scared bc of his last relationship

cole comes back in and basically backs up their side based on his convo he just had with matt

and so it’s decided that we’ll both sleep on the sack, Jon sleeps on his bed and the other two together in coles bed

he comes back and we all “go to sleep” but I push for him to hold me like he usually does whenever we sleep together and around like 2,3 am we both start making out again and just like uhhhh

also we’re both very much drunk but of course i tend to remember things whenever ive gotten drunk, however, he did not and so now we gotta talk and figure shit out and go from there

also im not telling Emilou or Hanna yet until we figure things out so

yeah

fuck

alrighty, so after last night, ive decided to do absolutely nothing about it and decided to just let things play out the way things do. i don’t wanna say something and ruin our friendship that we have bc i trust him a lot and like hanging out with him, so, i guess the end of this note for now, unless the situation changes anytime soon

Can Tim see what I write on this?     -Chloe

Yes -Janet

Hi Tim!

-Chloe

Tim pls respond.

-Chloe

Hi Chloe! Sorry I have been busy at home LOL

He responded I’m so happy!

-Chloe

FYI im just going to add things at the top of the note so that its easiwr to see stuff when i add it bc then otherwise youd have to scroll a ton

and I’m dating shit so i know when I wrote stuff and my memory and yeahhh

FEB 15 1 pm

chillin in alp so lets get this chisme

alrighty so last night i stayed the night in pratts but it wasnt just me so calmate, it was me and jon bc long story short i was too lazy/dizzy to get up and jons roommate had her bf over. basically we both shared the bed, not a lot of physical contact but whateva

brb

anyways, there was also one point where he was watching a movie from his childhood and idk what tf it was but he was shocked that i havent seen those movies, so apparently now im gonna watch them so i told him for payback we gotta watch disney movies lmao

oh also! i fucking got back to my room and took a shower to get ready for class, and when hanna gets back from class shes all like oh you slept in HiS rOoM huh and i was like uhhh yeah and told her the truth like i was too lazy and dizzy to get up and then she didnt really say anything but uhhhh yikes

and then i mentioned this to emilou later when we were walking to class and shes like yeah idk why she did that that was weird and i was thinking like thank God she doesnt think the same as hanna bc shes also slept in his room on the bean bag a few times

FEB 14 2pm

heyyy its valentines day and guess whos still single and workinggg

so uhhh last night, around 1, both me and pratt finished our shit (hw and studying) and im wide awake so im like hey, brooklyn 99? (because i got him into the show and i love rewatching the show bc its sooo good) and hes down so we start watching in his room. were both on his bed but were sitting (for the tie being) and eventually i decide to lay down and use one of his pillows but its the flat pillow so i attempt to steal his other one, which he protests and we lowkey wrestle over it and eventually i fail ugh and i fall over in frustration and land my head on his knee and then just quit and stay there, but get this, he just deals with it and lays on top of me, like his head is on my side. granted we both also have pillows so like his pillow is in between me and him and same for me but like ughhh

and eventually i fall asleep for like an episode (?) and wake up right before 3 am, and then decide hey sleep sounds important bc i have an 8 am and so does he, so i sit up but im too lazy to get up right away so i sit and go through twitter and shit so chris just lays down with his head on my leg and i set my arm down on his chest and he falls asleep for a few minutes and then i finish going through my social media and every part of me doesnt wanna move, but im also in a position that would be uncomfortable to fall asleep in so i wake him up and then go back to my room

oh and the other thing i forgot was that for a good couple hours we were texting and joking around and yeahhh

i feel like im reading a lot into what happens but at the same time, like i doubt id be this comfortable doing shit with guys like this and idk about him, but like sometimes i wonder you know?

also, saturday night, as far as i know, its just me and him going to the basketball game bc idk who else is going (eye emoji insert here bc im on my computer lmao) so we'll see what happens

FEB 10 11am

okay soooo last night,

the plan was to get buzzed, just me and matt and watch Brooklyn 9-9 but then Anthony and emilou joined us so never mind. after a bit, Anthony leaves so he can answer a phone call and pratt offers me shot #1 and not emilou (she’s laying on the bean bag, I’m on his roommates bed chillin behind her so she can’t see what’s up)

we take two and im slightly buzzed but i think “hey lets see how much we can take before she notices” and he’s down so uhhh let’s get this

later we have to include Anthony and he’s down to see how much we can take and he just lets us continue, i get to 4 shots and he finishes the bottle so i can’t have a 5th

brb im gonna go eat with him

okay im back now...

anyways were both pretty out of it, emilou still hasnt noticed and anthony finds this all funny i assume and so do i , and eventually she finds out and then the two of them leave i guess around 2 am and the two of us are both on the bean bag and were both tired and drunk and drunk me like petting his hair and apparently holding his hand and well yeah i kinda hate drunk me bc if that wasnt obvious enough lmao :/

continuin, we basically end up cuddled together most of the night until we both kind of sober up hella early in the morning and kind of separate a bit

and so in the morning guess who brought it uppp and i at least have an excuse that i was drunk and not thinking and just kinda doing whatever drunk me wanted to do (but omggg his hair is so fucking nice to play with omg) anyways imma just die real quick bc idk what happens now

also since no one else was in the room literally no one else knows about this and i think were keeping it that way bc lets be honest if anyone found out about that i think id be screwed for secret keeping and then well yeah

FEB 8 1AM

i remembered:

sunday 2-3

i forgot this happened but before I ended up in chris’s room i was chillin upstairs watching tv and then he came out on the phone with some one and long story short he said something on the phone to his friend along the lines of “you’re gonna have me in your life for a long time” and when he was saying that i was looking at him bc soy chismosa and i was curious and he winked at me and I died

Monday 2-4

so the other thing that happened was I had lunch/dinner with him before my writing class and no recuerdo que decimos, but uhhhh yeah

i like hanging out with him

also, just got back from his room and am more convinced that he may not like me but actually just sees me as a friend but at the same time maybe he does but IDK

i hate feelings and it’d be so much easier if i didn’t have them sometimes lmaooo

FEB 7 5-7 PM

so im currently in the room rn so im gonna try to make this as chronological as possible

saturday 2-2

alrighty so mind you this is the day ive volunteered with ship and have spent the whole day there, (i dont remember why i thought this was relevant :/)

so saturday night, i go to work in his room around 8 (?) so i can work on my essay and finish my shit bc he has a bean bag thats hella comfy to work on

andd so later on, jocelyn comes in to watch anime with him and then after i finish we all decide to watch gabriel iglesias and ended up squishing together on the bean bag with me in the middle of the two of them

and so were all chillin there, laughing whatever and at one point chris fucking pratt puts his head on my shoulder for a little bit and i dIeDddd

and eventually i fall asleep when we start watching emperors new groove and mind you im fucking next to chris pratt like uhhhh my GOD

so i wake up once the movies over and then go to the bathroom and come back and by then he has taken over the whole bean bag and im sad that i cant just get back and go back to sleep so i go back to my room

(hanna doesnt know what time i get back i think and im pretty sure it was around4 am) (emilous also not here bc she went home for the weekend)

sunday 2-3

so i decide hey i was productive yesterday and decide to return to his room to work on shit and try to get as much done before work in theevening

i finish around 1/2? and then i tell him im bored and i wanna do something before work but idk what so he says lets go to the rec room and its just the two of us and its chillin and he puts me on his story playing pool lmao

and then i go to work :(

but then THEN later after work i go for a run and end up back in his room and theres a couple other people there and so were all chilling (mind you this is around midnight)

and somehow i end up falling asleep on the bean bag next to this girl jon from my hall and (this is a secret in a secret) but i hear her get up at one point and then chris pratt then joins me and during the night im tossing and turning and leaning on him a bit (ughhhh i died a shit ton)

monday 2-4

so in the morning around 720 or so i wake up pay dumb and am like oh whend you get here and he explains and then hes like yeah i dont really know the girl who slept in my bed (one of jons friends) and i figured since im more comfortable with you id just move here (!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! fuck me upppp) [please note that when i say fuck me up i dont mean that type of fuck]

alrighty thats what i remember that i havent told you, and then the other bit from the screen record was tuesday and now its thursday and here i am in guess whos room again

possibly staying the night lmao

but jons also here so its not like im staying the night staying the night

[junmyuns]

so i am back from got7′s melbourne fanmeet and here are my thoughts!!

ok so, i’m ngl, i was not very impressed with the organisers of this event?? everything seemed like such a mess, and it made things awkward and weird. i’ve been to lots of kpop concerts/fanmeetings since i first got into kpop, but this one was the most messy imo :/

and it’s funny bc got7 aren’t even my fave group out of all that i’ve seen, but i was soooooooo excited for this fanmeet, more than for some other groups that i consider faves.

i got there kind of late though (5pm), and so most of the merch was gone (though i don’t think i had plans to buy any so that was prob good for my wallet), but most of the freebies ppl were passing out had gone too. i managed to get a pack of cute photocards and a banner but that’s about it. i was too busy in the gold queue for wristbands. i got the yellow one!

that being said, even at the very beginning when they had technical trouble (the curtain was supposed to drop and reveal the members but it never did so they had to bring guys in to manually remove it from the hanging), it was kind of like an omen of what was to come (this sounds so dramatic).

that being said, this is no slight on the boys at all!! they were wonderful! (and dealt with the curtain malfunction perfectly). just other things could have been handled a lot neater by the organisers tbh.

i think they performed q and sign first?? i’m trying to think back on everything... i really love q esp btw, it’s one of my faves on the album (just kind of sad that they didn’t do my fave: paradise).

so at the beginning, andy (the host) asked them a bunch of questions based on the arrival letters. idk i feel like that concept made things a bit awkward, esp when he’d have to prompt the boys to talk. i always like it better when one of the mcs is in the group itself bc since they all know one another, it kind of makes it easier to get a conversation/banter going? they did good though! and mark talked quite a lot in this portion, which warmed my heart. he was pretty good at getting the others answering the questions, and it was all really cute :’) (esp when it was revealed that he and jb have been stealing jinyoung’s shampoo and jinyoung told them it was ok bc “we are one”...he touched jb after that and i’m sorry but my jjp heart launched itself right out of my chest i love them i can’t believe i witnessed that live...I WILL GET BACK TO JJP IN A MOMENT THOUGH).

also, when he got to the letter V, bambam started talking about taehyung?? then he and the translator had the most awkward exchange ever bc bambam joked about it being nice when he’s next to taehyung?? something like that, and the translator thought he said the sun (taeyang), and bambam was like nope this is bad joke sorry. it was so awkward to watch but thinking about it now makes me laugh so much though oh my god.

everyone seemed in a good mood but jackson :( idk if something is up with him, whether he’s not feeling well/he’s tired/misses his mum (bc it’s her birthday) or maybe even his brother and niece, but i don’t think he even talked at all during the first question round. he kind of just sat there looking sad while everyone else talked. i have seen jackson get like this in varieties and stuff, but it’s really heartbreaking to see in person, esp bc jackson is usually so hyper, and he’s my fave too. however, he did talk more towards the end, and i just think he was having an off day (which i don’t blame him for at all bc the amount of stress and work that they have is ridiculous). i think i spent most of the performances staring at jackson and feeling really worried about him, which gave what i was watching more of a sense of realism that i usually don’t feel when i’m at a concert. either way, i really do hope he feels better soon whatever the case.

also, i didn’t talk about youngjae yet!! he wasn’t there (he’s in korea bc he’s not feeling well. he’s with coco according to mark :p), so we didn’t get to see him :( he did have a video message for us though, and the cheers were so loud for him every time they showed him on screen it was great :’D i hope he feels better soon too!

anyway after that, they had a games round and i think the first one was the cheek to cheek round and the JJP LET ME TELL YOU. so basically, it’s that game where two ppl are blindfolded and then there’s an object held between both of their cheeks and they have to guess what the item is using only their cheeks (jackson: “any object?? even a PINEAPPLE”). jb and jinyoung  were put together and i y e l l e d bc i never thought i’d get to see jjp live but boy did i. i actually legit got choked up and i’ve never felt that way at a concert before. like my bias could be dancing right in front of me but give me my otp and i am a fucking goner. THEY DID THE JJ CROSS THING. also one of the members (bambam??) took away the object at one point and jjp were cheek to cheek/sort of kissing?? i can always trust the other members to give me A++ quality jjp content so thanks guys!! (btw their object was an apple). jackson and yugyeom were next (object: plush toy parrot) and then (after some discussing) it was mark and bambam (foam plane).

either way, the jackson/jinyoung/bambam team lost and jackson had to do a girl group dance (aoa’s excuse me) and it made my life. he’s so cute. also at one point jinyoung had to do aegyo and he apologised after but it really was adorable i love aegyo.

i think they did the x2 dance speed game after that? this is another thing that annoyed me. the speed was wayyyy too fast, and yugyeom even brought it up after the first round...that not even weekly idol did it that fast, and whether the organisers could make a bit slower, but nope, just as fast during the second round... and idk. i just didn’t like how the organisers dealt with that.

but before they started dancing bambam was like “i need to take my earrings off for this”. i love this kid.

mark/jb/yugyeom lost and their punishment was another fast dance oh man.

i’m prob messing up all the order with everything that happened, but i can’t remember too well haha.

i know that they performed fly and skyway at some point in the middle though. and it’s funny bc fly isn’t my fave title track of theirs at all, but i loved watching that performance.

i haven’t talked about how cute both yugyeom and bambam were though!!!!! they were so fun and if i didn’t have my bias already locked in place they would have threatened that position so easily :D also bambam kept dabbing but does that come as a surprise to anyone. pls. they seemed really happy :)))

so at some point they had a draw to win an all member signed placard, and they were supposed to pull seat numbers from a box. like a lucky draw type thing. each of the members was supposed to pull a seat, BUT when they started they kept drawing blank pieces of paper?? and so andy had to go backstage to see what was up with the blank pieces, and then got7 were told to entertain the crowd in the mean time, and it was just so disorganised? like the members were kind of confused, and the organisers were kind of scrambling to figure out some way to choose ppl (at first they wanted the members to point out ppl from the crowd, but then they managed to get the lucky draw thing to work somehow idk). anyway, to distract us all, bambam made yugyeom do a sexy dance which was awesome, but also yugyeom is a BABY to me. he’s younger than my lil bro and he can sexy dance all he wants but i still feel like his mother haha.

also, at some point a fanboy won one of the placards and bambam (and mark) got super excited about it. bambam wanted another fanboy to win one it was cute.

they did their ments then. it went: jackson, jinyoung, jb, mark, bambam and yugyeom. all of them did it in english except jb haha. jinyoung’s english is REALLY good. like i knew he was good, but i didn’t expect it to be THAT good, you know? i also really like how whenever jackson tells everyone to stay healthy, he always stresses both physical AND mental health. it’s nice :’)

they performed hard carry and never ever then, i think? suuuuuper hype!!!!!

ok so another awkward moment is that during encore, one of the members (mark?) told everyone to get up out of their seats and literally everyone started rushing to the front of the stage. like everyone in gold. and then the security guards had to yell at everyone to go back to their seats, and bambam was just like “...i just meant get up, guys. not go forward...” and it was just a confusing mess of awkward but also kind of funny now that i think back on it. but then they came out and performed out and go higher and ppl swarmed to the stage again, but i don’t think the security guards could do anything at this point since they were performing already. either way, i got a good view of all the boys since the ppl in front of me had headed to the front and it was BEAUTIFUL. got a good view of pretty much all of them tbh since they moved around the stage a lot.

LASTLY, HI TOUCH!! so everyone in gold was given an armband at the start (either green, yellow or pink). they announced at the end that green and yellow were hi touch and pink was the photo opp. i’m actually SO GLAD that i got hi touch bc i wanted that more than the photo opp. so yesssss, i’ve actually seen up close and touched all the members (except youngjae ughhh). order was: yugyeom, bambam, jb, mark, jinyoung and jackson. i was telling myself that THIS TIME i would gauge their heights (bc i always want to do it when i do hi touches but never end up managing it bc it goes by too fast). i was soooooo nervous when we were lining up. maybe even more so since i waited longer than previous hi touches, and when we were lining up all of us got a nice view of them and they’re so good looking irl it actually pains me. and no, i didn’t remember to check our their heights. hah.

it went by so fast (like most hi touches), but i remember yugyeom and bambam’s hands are pretty soft. jb and mark smack five you a bit more. i don’t remember what jinyoung and jackson did bc i literally forgot how to word and exist the moment i saw jinyoung. he is GORGEOUS. you think you know but you don’t k n o w. i also very clearly remember yugyeom bc he was first and there was a tiny lag in the line so i was prob in front of him the longest. bambam was really cute. jb gave me direct eye contact. i love him. mark tbh i don’t remember all that much bc it was too fast :( jinyoung, like i said, ethereally beautiful. and then jackson wasn’t as smiley. i think he still wasn’t feeling so great, so he just looked a bit sad/serious :( anyway, i didn’t manage to say anything other than “hi” to them, and i don’t think any of them said anything either? just smiled mostly.

also, when i was lining up the security guard told me that her fave was jackson and i was like saaaame girl.

either way, the last person i touched was jackson and the first person i saw was my bro who told me to touch his face so i rubbed jackson on him haha.

and it’s funny but i don’t feel that post concert/fanmeet depression feel as much lately when i go see groups. i just feel kind of happy and a bit nostalgic, which makes it a lot easier to deal with. i’m so happy and fortunate to have had this experience (despite my qualms), and i like feeling like this. it’s a lot better than being devastated that it’s over. of course i’m sad that it’s finished, but i’m also really looking forward to looking back on this whole experience as a fond memory in years to come. and there’s something really nice about that, i think :’)

[rhyglizzy]

ok i always step onto tumblr and look around to make sure i’m really alone so i can post whatever i want bc i literally have no mutuals and none of my friends use tumblr and posts get buried so easily when they’re not tagged or u don’t use common tags or whatever and i tag my stuff so i can look back later fondly and be like haha this is how i felt a long long time ago :) but anyway im boutta post my mans bc... iwgsilhb... idk... inbiarroasikifmtkwli i guess but like i’ve always said even about yuck!, the feelings i have toward whoever i like are tciegtfl and i feel like your personal definition can change as you discover the true depths that you are able to feel different things, soooo THIS??? definitely the closest i’ve ever been and what’s funny but also like... gives me hope i guess?? is that i literally cilamtilhrn so if that’s possible??? bro move lmaooo y’all better not say nothing to me when i lose my mf mind bc if ilhamtiad i WILL be clinically insane like i don’t think my heart can beat any faster or i can smile any more bc of someone else like... if it gets better than this i will NEVER wanna die like wtf i been thinking earth is the real hell lately but man iweut... that switch will flip so fast and i’ll think it’s heaven like nothing can be better wtf aaaaa i can’t believe this turned into a tangent like this all because i wanted to avoid saying i love him bc that would be dumb but like... as seriously stupid as it sounds if this ain’t it then idk what is bc i can only define love as the strongest feelings i’ve ever had for someone and this is that soooo 🤪 just for kicks i’ll say it lol I LOVE HIM BITCH!!! idk it just feels weird to say when u know it’s not reciprocated 😔 so hopefully it is soon. i was gonna say one day but i wanna keep a tone of optimism and certainty so instead of questioning if i’m gonna question when 😌 but fr god pls i know i need to focus on bettering myself to make myself like me before i try to make someone else like me but ughhh wait NO this is my own fault i need to make myself into a person worth being around before i question why someone isn’t in my life duh bitch :) i’m working on it. also, while i’ve got a long post going that nobody is gonna read, (FUTURE ME IF YOURE READING THIS ESPECIALLYYYYY IF YOU HAVE A S/O,, PLEASE STOP HERE LMAOOOO) i wanna say that i do also feel kind of dumb for wanting to better myself so that someone else will like me, but at the same time i feel like that’s a totally natural and common way that people think and behave. like i should and DO want to be better so that i’m happy with myself but like the thing that would make me be hmmmm happiest with myself is being someone who’s worthy of the love of someone else if that makes sense. and i’m not talking about changing myself to fit someone’s mold for their dream girl. but i think the part i feel has a negative connotation is that i’m ALSO not trying to become “who i want to be” independently and THEN finding somebody who loves me for me after i’ve already become a fully realized person who is worthy of love. like is it so bad to love somebody and aspire to be someone who they would love?? like i feel like that’s the foundation, wanting to make the other person happy. but i think my drawback is that i like him for who he already is/who i see him as at least and... after seeing what i’m viewing as a fully realized person and finding out what they like and wanting to be that... i’d feel like i manufactured myself for them and they might like me but like... at what cost?? my whole personality and all my good traits were developed with the thought in mind that i want them to like me. and that would suck so i REALLY do want to become a version of myself that I!! really like and then hopefully he likes me but ALSO i do think it’s part of loving someone for you to want to grow with them and for them and

(FUTURE ME IF YOU WANNA KEEP READING START AGAIN HERE LMAOOO HEY BITCH ITS YOUR DUMB YOUNGER SELF WHATS CRACKIN) the text block got too long haha but i think one of the biggest reasons i like him so much (aside from the fact that he’s a source of genuine happiness and i don’t get a lot of those hehe) is that he really makes me wanna be a better person somehow like i literally am so inspired to improve myself and live a better life and idk if that’s so that i can “become likeable” like i said earlier or if that’s because he really just inspires me idek how to explain why he just does :3 i do wuv him just a little bit, just like as a human :) he is great ugh a true angel on earth. but again one of my mental blocks is that i don’t think i can be the same for him so what do i have to offer!! like that’s something that i feel validates and invalidates my desire to be with him at a same time (haha wait every time i type that word i’m like ;) lol) because my lurve comes from him making me happy and inspiring me to be better andddd if i can’t reciprocate that same happiness or inspiration or something else idk, then why would he like me??? like the one thing i’m certain i can offer is making someone feel unconditionally loved and deeply admired and like someone truly believes they’re a gift to this planet because that!! is how!! i feel!! and i make sure to convey that, but i don’t know if that’s enough to at least start a relationship, it’s definitely a stepping stone to maintaining one but i just highly doubt we would meet and he would be like “wow this bitch worships me i should date her” like no so obviously being interesting and fun and beneficial to someone’s quality of life are my GOALS. i just view that in a couple different ways, the negative one being that i would be building myself to earn someone’s love which i kinda don’t even wanna believe but at the same time i think it’s kinda normal, and the positive way i view it is that love is one of my aspirations in life and regardless of whether they overlap with the desires of a potential s/o, i really do have my own genuine goals and hopes for myself and the development of my personality so that i can reach the two goals of self love and falling in love with someone and having them be in love with me too :) and i think i’m gonna stick to that positive energy and keep working on it :) next time i look at a pic of him i’m prolly gon cry now bc wtf