#they drive him crazy but Charles seriously did miss this nonsense in a way

[black-klok-youth-pastor]

Totally Real Legit Metalocalypse Movie Script Leak

PICKLES: Yeah but how exactly are we supposed to do this whole "chosen heroes of ultimate destiny" crap?

NATHAN: Yeah can't we get like a Facebones video or something to figure out how to defeat Salacia?

ABIGAIL: I'm sorry, you want...Facebones?

TOKI: Yeahs our cool cartoons pals alway knows how to explains stuff to us!

ABIGAIL: Guys I'm afraid there is no Facebones video on how to defeat Salacia to my knowledge.

DETHKLOK: (indistinct mutterings of disbelief)

MURDERFACE: Ugh juscht when we needed him moscht! That fucking dildo left us juscht like Charles!

ABIGAIL: That's because Charles is Facebones!

DETHKLOK: ...

NATHAN: What?!

SEVERAL SCENES LATER AT THE CHURCH OF BLACK KLOK

CHARLES: Boys, I know it's been a long time, but we don't have any more time to waste. Salacia's forces are closing in and the Black Klok is almost at zero. The hour of the Metalocalypse is upon us now and we have to be ready for it.

...

PICKLES: Do the voice!

CHARLES: I'm sorry the what now?

NATHAN: Yeah we miss that little goofball Facebones! And also you obviously ,but you're Facebones which means we missed the both of you!

RANDOM BLACK KLOK MEMBER: Wait a minute, you were the voice of Facebones this whole time? We seriously cracked Falconback before we figured out who the voice was?

CHARLES: It's an industry secret and there are serious consequences to anyone who violates the NDA. Or rather "were" but you get what I'm say-Look, the fate of the world is at stake right now and we're wasting time with all of th-

TOKI: Buts we wants Facebone!

SKWISGAAR: Yeahs we haven'ts seens hims in ages! I donts knows how wes even survives how without hims for this longs!

CHARLES: ...

DETHKLOK: ...

CHARLES: (using the Facebones voice) ...Hey guys, it's me Facebones.

DETHKLOK: YEAAAAAHHHHH!!!

CHARLES: *sigh*

[thenotoriousgib-blog]

Havin’ a Few Drinks and Watching: Judgment Day ‘08

The title of these posts are self-explanatory. Occasionally I will have a few adult beverages and watch an old PPV. All the writing (aside from this introductory paragraph) was written live by me throughout the night and unedited from its original form.

My first reaction of the night is that I already absolutely loathe this PPV’s theme song three minutes in. It is called “Take It All” by some Danish band called Zididada, and I’m convinced that it’s the same line over and over again. I hate it more than I hate myself.

According to research, the dark match for this show was World Tag Team Champions Cody Rhodes and Hardcore Holly (what) defeating Carlito and Santino Marella. Can’t believe they didn’t air that sure-to-be greatness.

The show starts with JBL fighting John Cena in a match I already regret watching. If you’re curious what period of time we’re in, there’s a sign that says “JBL = EPIC FAIL!” so we’re right smackdab in the middle of when “fail” was A Thing. Another sign says JBL stands for “Judgment Day’s Biggest Loser.” Get fucking wrecked, Bradshaw. John Cena is wearing an NES Cover-inspired T shirt that I wish I owned. This match had some solid heat. The people love John Boy (I believe this is before the “JOHN CENA SUUUUUCKS” chants) and hate JBL (as everyone should). However, everything else is putting me to sleep. I’ve never really enjoyed Bradshaw in the ring, and this John Cena isn’t the Greatest In The World John Fucking Cena we’ve got 10 years later. JBL dominates most of the match with a slow pace. Cena’s selling really looks goofy as hell. JBL’s just destroying Cena at a really deliberate pace, and then out of nowhere Cena hits the FU for the win. Classic “Super Cena” that would get people to hate his overpowered characters before he became Actually Good in recent years. This match was bad and the ending being so sudden and nonsensical didn’t help matters. If we’re rating stuff it’s probably about *3/4.

We cut to Raw GM William Regal as the match is finished. He seems to have enjoyed the match just as much as I did.

We get clips from an episode of “The Dirt Sheet” (which you can see first every Sunday on WWE.com) with Miz and John Morrison. They’re going to face off against Kane (the ECW Champion) and CM Punk (Mr. Money in the Bank) for the WWE Tag Team Championship. Miz-as-Kane and Morrison-as-Punk have potential, but goofy ass sound effects (FART!) take away from whatever comedic value the segment would have had. Miz is wearing a fedora, a “chick magnet” shirt and some goofy-ass short pants (long shorts?) and it’s nice to see an entirely different Miz have the same level of hate-ability. Mike Adamle keeps referring to Punk as just “CM” and it sounds weird. Punk gets taken to Slamtown with a Moonlight Drive after getting distracted by Kane chokeslaming Miz into oblivion. It’s a fine match. There’s not too much that stands out but I enjoyed the ride. **3/4-***.

Third match of the night is Shawn Michaels vs. Chris Jericho, so hopes are high. I’m not as big a Michaels fan as I used to be, but he was still a heck of a wrestler. Combine that with the GOAT Chris Jericho and you’ve got a stew goin’. That scumbag Shawn Michaels faked an injury to get the edge on Batista in a match where Jericho was reffing, which is how we got here. Jericho’s IC champion, but it’s non-title for whatever reason. Match starts out with some nearfall exchanges and Michaels’ smarmy, cocky ass pissing Y2J right off. Slightly off-topic, but no matter how many times I see them, I will never get used to Shawn Michaels’ Jesus-themed assless chaps. Match is fun, and it’s hard to be snarky or insightful when things are simply “fine.” Michaels tunes up the band right into a codebreaker OUTTA NOWHERE which was a fun moment. Ending is kinda weird. Jericho goes for Lionsault, but Michaels has double knees up. Jericho somehow sees that coming and prevents himself from landing on the knees but Michaels reverses into a pinfall. So that’s why it was non-title. This isn’t a classic match like these two could have, but it’s still very good, even great. **** overall methinks. Jericho and HBK shake hands as a show of respect. Regal reacts to the action by staring off into the distance some more.

JBL interrupts Todd Grisham and Mickie James by saying that actually he beat John Cena and not the other way around. Also he’s not mad, he’s actually laughing right now.

We’ve got a Women’s Title match with Beth Phoenix vs. Melina vs. Mickie James. Because this is a women’s match in 2008, everything feels rushed. Even introductions. Lillian Garcia takes absolutely no pauses in the introductions. Just gets it done. You can tell all three women want to get as much of their stuff in as possible in their token 5 minutes of the show, and things are fast-paced but still pretty smooth and REALLY fun. Beth Phoenix lifts both Melina and Mickie for a backbreaker, and it gets one of the best reactions of the night. Mickie finishes Melina with a DDT in less than 5 minutes. They really made the most out of the time they had. They left me wanting more here. ***1/4

Next up is the World Heavyweight Title match, which was stripped from Taker by Vickie Guerrero. Vickie’s fiancée Edge is naturally the one in line for the shot. There’s a sign that says “I only came 4 Edge,” which… extremely same, IF YA KNOW WHAT I’M SAYIN HERE. There’s also a man in the first few rows wearing a very large, floppy sombrero, and I hope whoever was behind him beat the shit out of him after the show. As for the match? It’s an Edge vs. Undertaker match. So just imagine you’re seeing one of the many Edge vs. Undertaker matches, but not, like, one of the BEST ones. Just a good one with some shenanigans thrown in. LITTLE BABBY versions of Curt Hawkins and Zack Ryder show up to distract Charles Robinson while Edge exposes a turnbuckle. Undertaker wins by countout, but Vickie makes sure to note that the title can’t be won on DQ or countout. So we get a countout finish and still no champ. Fun stuff! Match is like a ***1/4-***1/2 overall. Taker’s mad so he gives Edge a tombstone after the match for his troubles.

WWE only scheduled six matches for the night, so MVP is out to complain that he’s off the card. He challenges anyone who wants to fight. United States champion Matt Hardy comes out to accept the challenge for his Brother Nero. The crowd’s loving the impromptu Jeff appearance since he had just returned from a wellness suspension. Apparently MVP is the highest-paid athlete in Smackdown history. I like him just fine but that seems like a poor investment, doesn’t seem worth it. Like we just saw a match with Edge and Taker. You’re paying MVP more than them? Is everyone on like crazy cheap Steph Curry contracts where you didn’t know they’d be this good? Anyway, the match is mostly okay, but nothing too special. Weeeeeeeird ending though. Jeff misses the Swanton Bomb. MVP sets him up in the corner, misses the charge, and loses to a Whisper of the Wind literally like 20 seconds after the missed Swanton. Sloppy as hell there. **1/4.

There is nobody I hate more than Sombrero Guy. Seriously. Imagine paying hundreds of dollars to be sit up close at a PPV only for some dude in a floppy ass sombrero to block your view.

I am starting to feel very sleepy. It is 2:15 a.m. as I write this. All that remains is the main event. The main event is Triple H vs. Randy Orton in a steel cage match. There are few things that seem less appealing than this match in this moment. Lillian Garcia pronounces Randy’s last name as “Or-taaaaan.” It starts with a moment where Randy immediately rushes for the door and dives (heh) for the exit before it’s even closed as the bell rings. I’m not expecting too much more where either guy really rushes to do anything, though, because this is a Triple H and Randy Orton main event, and we’re gonna have to sit and suffer through it, dammit. There’s a comment about how these are the kind of matches that shorten careers, but really all this match is shortening is my patience am I right? You know what looks silly as hell? When Randy Orton’s selling submissions and just randomly starts flailing around like a Bayley buddy. When dude’s trying to reach for the ropes he looks like a cat trying to paw at a ball of yarn. A chair comes into play as Randy grabs one while being dragged back into the ring. We get a few spots based around that. Lots of cage-climbing spots down the stretch. I complain, but I do like the overall oldschool feel of the match in that they’re not going overboard and keeping it simple. Lots of focus on escape, no run-ins, only one weapon introduced outside of the cage. How well it works is obviously up to debate. But I give it some credit. The match isn’t bad, honestly. It’s just that Trips and Orton lack the chemistry to bring it a step above “good,” and it lacks consistency because Trips has gotta have his matches be more “epic” than they need to be. I’m tired. Triple H retains with a Pedigree. ***1/4

Overall, Judgment Day 2008 is a decently solid show. There’s only one match that’s too essential, which is the Jericho-Michaels match. However, the Women’s triple threat, Edge-Taker, tag team match and even the main event don’t make me regret watching too much. The MVP-Jeff Hardy match is easily skippable, and the JBL-Cena match is straight up bad. I’m not gonna rush to revisit even the better matches soon, but you could do much worse than this on the Network.

Overall Grade: C.