#they fully let you think the dogcatcher

[bee-whistler]

Reclaiming one of my oldest fandoms

All the talk of old cartoons led me to think about a short-lived one from when I was very little. I remembered it with the odd lingering embarrassment of a kid who was too young to do anything deserving of the level of humiliation I felt… all because I loved the show and found out my teenaged brother didn’t. I sang some of the jingle at him and he just stared at me and said he hated it. And just like that my new favorite show was branded. I was maybe six. Weird, I know.

So I’ve looked it up and it’s as weird and wonderful as I thought it was then, and I share it with you all now because it explains a lot about me and because in all the talk of Hanna Barberra and the like, I’m pretty sure NO ONE freaking remembers this strange little gem.

Feast your eyes upon Baggy Pants and the Nitwits.

Baggy Pants is clearly meant to be every silent movie comic merged into one and the Nitwits, I now recognize, are two characters from Laugh-In (y’all should look that show up too).

My brother has gone on to be a grade A dickweed as an adult. I think at this point I prefer the cartoon.

[dragonshost]

gintama, ginzura, promot: “I walked until I got arrested.” Please and thank you, i am a big fan of your blog

Thank you so much anon, I LIVE for these morons and I had so much fun imagining and writing this.  Special thanks go to @thatoneonfire for helping me out with this immensely!!

I must warn you that this is a bit crass because it’s... well, it’s Gintama.

Below The Cut

Knock Knock Knock

Gintoki groaned at the sound, like a jackhammer aimed at his head.  His hangover was particularly bad this morning.  Nausea swam through his body like a fish.  “Go away!” he yelled, and then winced at his own voice.

Knock Knock Knock

“I don’t care who’s there!” Gintoki shouted, picking up his pillow and placing it over his ears and trying to become one with his futon.  It was too damn early in the morning for this.

Knock Knock Knock

“I don’t have rent, old lady!  Go bother someone else!”  There was no possible way it was a customer.  Not this early in the day.  Customers for Odd Jobs never came around at a decent hour, because decent people waited until the afternoon to get shit accomplished, like proper, upstanding citizens should.  Not that they got a whole lot of proper citizens patronizing them, now that he thought about it.

Knock Knock Knock

“No one’s home! Leave a message after the beep!  Beep!”

Blessed silence fell over the office, and Gintoki heaved a sigh, choking back the bile that rose up when he did so.  Ugh, he felt like shit.

Ding Ding Ding

Dammit, they found the doorbell.  Now he was screwed.  He had to either get up and answer it, or let them wake up Kagura and she would answer it - with a kick straight through it.  Gintoki couldn’t afford to replace it again; he was starting to get a reputation for door theft in the neighborhood and he couldn’t bring that kind of heat down on his head again.

“Alright, alright!  I’m coming!”  With a groan, he heaved his corpse out of the futon and stumbled out of his room.

Ding Ding Ding

“I said I’m coming, you a**holes!” he snapped, bumping his shin into the table.  “C***s****ing a**holes!”

Ding Ding Ding... dingdingdingdingdingdingdingding

“Stop button-mashing!  Do you think this is Mortal *ombat?!  Are you here to avenge your sensei?!”  Throwing the door open, Gintoki continued, “I’m gonna show you exactly where you can shove that button-mashing finger, you peace-disturbing piece of-”

His rant abruptly cut off as he met the bewildered stare of the person disturbing his peace.

Or rather, persons.

There was a full squad of uniformed Shinsengumi in front of his door, and spilling out onto the stairway and into the thoroughfare.  Which would be sufficient cause for alarm on most days, but particularly alarming were the four people immediately on his threshold: a scowling demonic vice-chief, a sadist barely containing his glee, and a fully stark naked chief holding the leash of a renowned joui terrorist Katsura Kotarou wearing the shabbiest dog costume Gintoki had ever seen in his life.

Kondo cleared his throat.  “Um... sorry to disturb you so early in the morning, but I think I found something that belongs to yo-”

The door slammed shut in his face.

“Hey!! What the hell do you think you’re doing?!” Hijikata yelled, grabbing the handle and trying to force it back open.

Using all of his might to hold it closed, Gintoki shouted back, “I’m going back to bed!  Whatever sick fetish this is, I don’t want any part of it!”

“Just open the damn door!  Do you think we want to be here any more than you want us?!”

“Stand back, sir, I’ve got this,” Okita piped up, a heavy clunking emanating from the other side of the door.

“Would you all shut UP!”  A red-pajama-ed leg sailed past Gintoki’s nose, punching straight through the door and knocking Okita and his trusty rocket launcher off the roof.  Gintoki stared through the gaping hole in his door as Kagura let out a yawn, and then stretched.  Scratching her belly, she crawled back through the hole in the door and stumbled past the furiously sweating Gintoki, letting out a loud belch on her way.

Meeting Gintoki’s eyes, Kondo cleared his throat once more.  “Um... sorry to disturb you so early in the morning, but I think I-”

“I heard you the first time!” Gintoki snapped.  “What do you want?!  You’ve disturbed my sleep, upset my ward, and now you’ve put a hole through my door-”

“Don’t you blame that on us!” hissed Hijikata.  He jabbed his finger at Gintoki.  “That was clearly your kid’s fault!”

“My kid?!  I clearly saw that rocket launcher your kid was about to blast me with!  And didn’t your mother ever tell you it’s rude to point?!” he accused, not following his own statement and pointing his finger back at the Shinsengumi’s Vice Chief.

Kondo cleared his throat.  “Um... sorry to disturb you so early-”

A vein throbbed on Gintoki’s head.  “I said that you already said that part!  Just tell me why your furry b**** are darkening my doorstep already, Gorilla!  So I can go back to sleep!”  Given that Katsura was in a dog costume standing with the Shinsengumi, it was sure to be incredibly stupid but that would be par for the course at this point.

“Well, we were out on an early morning patrol, and we happened upon the dogcatcher.”  Beside him, Katsura, in his costume, nodded along   “Then I saw this little guy looking out the back, with such sad eyes, and I could just hear that one commercial with Sarah McLaughing playing in my head, you know?”

“Understandable, but that’s clearly not a dog,” Gintoki pointed out.  “That’s a terrorist.”

“Being cute is not illegal,” chided Kondo, reaching over and patting Katsura on the head.  “The dogcatcher had caught him, and he knows his business, Gintoki.  I’m not about to question it.  Besides which, this good boy was holding this sign around his neck.”  He passed it through the hole to Gintoki.

“Where was this?” Gintoki questioned, taking in gingerly.  “Where were you hiding this?!”

“That’s not important,” replied Kondo, a blush spreading across his cheeks.  Both sets of them.

Disgusted and regretting the fact that he’d already taken the damn thing from him, Gintoki looked over what it said.

If FoundPlease Return To:Sakata GintokiOdd Jobs GinAbove Bar OtoseKabukicho, Edo

‘What the f*** was Zura doing?!?!  And he got caught by the dogcatcher?!?!  Does no one in Edo have eyes?!?!  And what is up with this “good boy” nonsense?!?!  Zura’s never been good a day in his life!’

“Woof,” said Katsura, helpfully.

It took every ounce of self-control that Gintoki possessed to stop himself from killing Katsura on the spot.  “I don’t want this package.”  Gintoki glanced down at Kondo’s crotch.  “Either of these packages.”

Hijikata rolled his eyes.  “Look, we have better things to do than stand around your place yakking all day long.  Just take the damn dog so we can go already.  Also, when did you get a new dog?  I could’ve sworn you only had the one.”

“Me too, buddy.”

“You know that you’re going to have to get a kennel license, right?” Okita pointed out, finally working his way back up through the rest of the squad and onto the walkway.  “We’ll overlook it this time as a favor to you, Boss, but you’ll have to turn in the paperwork within a week or two or else get a fine.”

Gintoki blinked slowly.  “...What?”

“A kennel license.  Because with four dogs, you have to get one.”  He started ticking them off on his fingers, “The white furball, this decrepit looking one, the old one you keep downstairs...”

Gintoki wondered if Okita was referring to Hasegawa or Otose with that.

“...and the red bitch with hair buns that-”

“WHAT WAS THAT YOU CALLED ME?!”  A red blur whooshed past Gintoki’s head for the second time, breaking apart more of the door and sending Okita over the edge once again.  Her work complete, she turned and stared at Katsura, finally noticing him for the first time.  “Look, it’s dog shit in a dog costume.”

Katsura wheezed painfully at Kagura’s harsh words.  “Leader!” he protested, only to garner the immediate and intense appraisal of everyone around him.  “I m-mean... W-woof.”

Narrowing his eyes at Katsura, Hijikata addressed Gintoki.  “I’ve been meaning to ask you this, but what kind of dog is he?  That was a pretty human sounding ‘Woof’ just now.”

‘What about the rest of it?!’ Gintoki internally shouted.  ‘It’s only the bark that concerns you?!  Why are you only starting to question this right now?!’

“...I’m a spacedog,” Katsura himself offered.  “We can talk, actually.  Sorry I didn’t say anything before now.”

Kondo nodded.  “That checks out.”  When it looked like Hijikata might protest after all, Kondo silenced him with a raised hand and a shake of his head.  “Calm down, Toshi.  Remember where we found him.  I’m sure the dogcatcher knows better than anyone what is and what isn’t a dog.  It isn’t our job to question fellow officers of the law.”

“I’m personally questioning the ones right in front of me,” muttered Gintoki.  “Since you’re talking now, just what was it that you did to get captured by the dogcatcher?”

“I was just walking around, until I got arrested out of the blue by that scary man with the net.  It was terrifying.”

‘I mean, it’s clear that you’re a highly suspicious person, and I’m glad that someone took you off the streets, but come on!  Getting caught by the dogcatcher is not the same as getting arrested, you moron!  Speaking of which, it’s a miracle you haven’t been up to this point!’

“Aww...”  Kondo petted Katsura on the head once more, the look in his eyes tender.  “I’m sorry, that must have been quite the ordeal for you.”

“It’s been quite the ordeal for me so far, honestly,” Gintoki observed.

Shuffling sheepishly, Kondo tentatively asked, “By the way, I’ve been wondering... what is his name?”

“It’s Zura,” offered Kagura, before Gintoki could stop her.

“I’m not Zura!” Katsura declared.  “I’m Katsura!”

‘I shouldn’t even try to save him.  Zura is just asking to get arrested at this point.’

Kondo blinked, then let out a huge laugh from deep in his belly.  “That’s hilarious!  What a fantastic name!  So that’s why you called him a terrorist before!  I will say that it’s apt.  He’s certainly hijacked my heart, the little rascal.”

Begrudgingly, Hijikata nodded.  “I have to say, I’m surprised but naming an animal after a fellow animal is a pretty clever idea.”

Gintoki opened his mouth, and then quickly shut it with a snap.  He sighed heavily through his nose, and rubbed his aching head.  “Shinsengumi... someday, we’re going to have to have a talk about your face-blindness.”  Deciding it would be faster to get rid of them all by playing along, he continued in a monotone, “Thank you for returning my pet.  If you will just hand him over to me, you can be on your way.”  The sooner they were gone, the sooner he could kick Katsura out and go back to sleep and possibly his anti-nausea medication.

Shockingly, Kondo hesitated, staring deep into Katsura’s eyes.  His own were soft around the edges, and his hand on the fake-dog’s head was gentle.

In The Arms Of The Angel

Katsura gazed back at him, thinking the other man was challenging him to a staring contest and not wanting to back down from it.

Fly Away From Here

“Stop that!” Gintoki demanded, looking around desperately for the source of the music.  “Stop with the melodramatic music!  This isn’t a touching moment!  Neither of these two are on the same page!  One of them clearly thinks this is a staring contest!”

From This Dark, Cold, Hotel Room

“THIS ISN’T EVEN A HOTEL ROOM, IT’S MY HOUSE!!  PLEASE STOP IT, SONG FICS AREN’T EVEN ALLOWED ON FFN!  DRAGON’SHOST IS GOING TO GET SUED AT THIS RATE!”

And The Endlessness That Y-

The music abruptly cut off, Kagura proudly holding up a broken boombox.  “I took care of it, Gin-chan!”

“Good job, Kagura!”  He gave her a thumbs up.  “Zura, let’s go.”

Breaking eye contact with Kondo at last (mostly because the other man’s were tearing up from strain and he wanted to save his opponent some dignity), Katsura waddled over to Gintoki in his tattered suit.  As he passed by him, he laid a paw on Gintoki’s shoulder.  “Thank you, my friend,” he whispered so only they could hear.  “I was afraid my cover was blown.  But thanks to you, I can continue with my undercover infiltration plans.”

“The only thing you’ve managed to infiltrate is my house, you moron,” Gintoki muttered darkly.

“Nevertheless, I will not forget this debt.”

“I hope that debt comes with a monetary reward.”  He wasn’t going to hold his breath, though.

Katsura smiled, and continued past him into the house.

“There,” Gintoki stated, beckoning for Kagura to come inside as well.  “Now that your business is concluded, please go away now.”

“Wait.”  Kondo motioned his hand towards the broken boombox Kagura was making off with.  “That’s my personal property.  I’m not mad about you destroying it, but can I at least have it back?”

Kagura looked him up and down coldly, a sneer spreading across her face.  “Mine now.  Finder’s keepers.  If you wanted it so badly, maybe you should have taken care of it and not broken it.”

“That was you that broke it, idiot,” Gintoki pointed out.  “Just give it back to him.  We already have Zura, we don’t need more pointless junk.”

“Had Zura, you mean.”

The man blinked.  “Eh? What do you mean, by ‘had’?” he questioned, his voice pitching an octave higher.  “Eh?  Kagura-chan?  What?  Why are you using past tense?”

Pointing into the main office, Kagura stated, “Sadaharu got jealous of a new dog in the house.”

Right on cue, Katsura’s bloody form collapsed in the entrance to the hallway.

In The Arms Of The Angel

A strangled gurgle erupted from Gintoki’s mouth.

Fly Away From Here

Katsura shakily raised his head, blood streaming down his face.

From This Dark, Cold, Hotel Room

“NOOOOO!” Kondo screamed, time slowing down as he ran towards the injured spacedog.  Only to stumble and fall just short of his goal.  He reached out towards Katsura, his fingers straining to reach him.

With a trembling hand, Katsura reached back.

And The Endlessness That You Fear

Just before their fingers could touch... a giant white paw slammed down on Katsura’s back, dragging him back into the office.

“NOOOO!” Crying, Kondo curled his fingers and slammed them against the tatami.  “Why?!  Why did it have to end this way?!”

You Are Pulled From The Wreckage

A horrible ripping sound penetrated the air, followed by a wet squelch as a tattered and bloody tail of Katsura’s dog costume hit the mats right in front of Kondo.

“ZURAAAAAAA!” sobbed the Shinsengumi chief.  “ZUUUURAAAA!!”

Of Your Sile-

The music cut off again, and Gintoki turned to stare as Yamazaki put down his own boombox.  He shrugged.  “It seemed appropriate before, but now that it’s become a horror, I thought I should stop.”

Gintoki stared at him.  “How long have you been there?”

Offended, Yamazaki huffed, “That’s rude!  I’ve been here the whole time!  Didn’t you see me?!”

He thought it over.  “...Nope.”  When Yamazaki continued to stare at him in accusation, Gintoki defended himself.  “You’re like Shinpachi levels of bland, but without even glasses to give you some sort of presence, I didn’t even notice you were there.”

“How?!” Kondo demanded, rising to his knees.  Snot dripped down his face, and his eyes were rimmed red with his tears of despair.  “How can you all just stand there and talk so calmly?  He was your pet, wasn’t he, Gintoki?  A dog, man’s best friend?  He just died in front of you!  How can you stand there like nothing happened?”

Shoving a finger up his noise, Gintoki hummed in thought.  “Eh...”  He pulled his finger out, contemplated the treasure he’d just excavated, and then flicked it at Yamazaki, who flailed to avoid the projectile. “He’s probably fine.”

Kondo gestured with an open hand towards the murder scene.  “He’s dead!”

“I’m sure he’ll get better.  I have absolute faith in how impossible he is to kill.”

Sniffling, Kondo wiped his face with one arm.  “I’m going to... I’m going to pay my respects.  To the bravest dog I’ve ever known.”

With a sigh, Gintoki begrudgingly followed Kondo into the room.  He nearly ran into the man as he stood inside, his jaw dropped.  “What the heck, Gorilla?  Don’t you know better than to just suddenly stop in front of someone?”  When there was no response, Gintoki stepped around him and got his first good look of the room.  And then immediately wished that he hadn’t.

“What the hell are you doing to my office, Zura?!”

The man looked up, the bottom half of his dog costume pulled down to his ankles as he popped a squat next to Sadaharu, who was doing the same.  “I’m not Zura, I’m Katsura.  And Sadaharu said that he would respect me as junior member of the household if I could prove myself to him.  So we’re doing that.”

“What part of that translates to ‘take a dump in Gintoki’s house’?!  And when did you learn how to speak dog anyway, you mangy mutt?!”

“I am a dog,” Katsura reminded Gintoki of his cover.  “Maybe not originally, as I’m just a gun that ate the Dog Dog vegetable.”

“What do you think this is, One Park?!  And didn’t you say you were a spacedog, before?!”

“A space gun that became a dog. But I will prove myself here and now as a proper pet with the best cannonball that I can produce!”

A brown mosaic dropped onto the floor.

“It’s a big ball of SOMETHING all right!” Gintoki shouted.

“Don’t interfere, my friend!” cautioned Katsura, holding up a hand to forestall Gintoki stalking over there and beating the literal crap out of it.  “This is a battlefield!  It’s about honor!”

“No, it’s clearly about crap!”

Kondo clenched his fist, bringing it to his hairy chest and holding it over his heart.  “I was right about you, Zura.”

“I’m not Zura, I’m-”

Tears glistened anew in Kondo’s eyes.  “I was right in thinking that you were the bravest dog I had ever seen.  Would you... would you allow me to fight by your side, as your comrade?”

Katsura stared up at the naked man, his eyes glistening with the depth of his emotions.  “Kondo... Yes, I would be honored if you fought alongside me.  Comrade.”

“NO!” Gintoki screamed, about ready to throttle all of them.  Only a healthy fear of being arrested kept him from actively doing so.  “GO OUTSIDE!!  I’M BEGGING YOU!  THERE’S A CHILD HERE!  WE’RE ALREADY PUSHING THE RATING OF THIS WITH YOU GUYS EXPOSING YOURSELVES IN FRONT OF HER!”

“Wait!”  Kagura ran into the room, already dropping trou as well.  “Don’t leave me out!”

“You see?!  You’re a bad influence!  Kagura, don’t follow their example!  You’re better than that!  The PTA is going to come after us again!”

“Hmph.”  Pushing past Gintoki, Okita stared down the scene in front of them.  “Just as I thought.  What a crass bitch.”

“Thank you, Okita.”  Gintoki looked at him with hope in his heart.  “Finally, someone with some common sense-”

Okita shook his head.  “Sorry, Boss.  But I’m not about to let her outdo me at something,” he said, before rushing in to join the literal sh**show.

Tears began to stream down Gintoki’s face.  He wasn’t altogether sure if they were from his despair or from the rancid stench starting to fill the small space.  “Please, you monsters,” he begged them.  “Think of the animators who have to draw all this sh**!  Think of their training, their hard work, their hopes and aspirations they must have had!  Only to culminate in working on a tower of excrement!  Think of how accurately they have to draw this, for the mosaic program to pick it up?  Think of what you’re doing to them!  For something that we totally can’t air now!  The only ones going to be happy about this are your proctologists!”

His heartfelt speech fell on deaf ears, as the crapping contest continued unabated.  Gintoki watched the whole thing, numb inside.

When it was finally over, and the participants were quite literally and thoroughly crapped out, Kondo approached Gintoki.  “I was wondering if I could speak to you, Gintoki.  Man to man.”

Gintoki sighed heavily.  “Don’t you mean gorilla to man?  But yeah, sure.  What is it?”

Laying a hand on Gintoki’s shoulder, Kondo confessed, “I think I love your dog, Gintoki.”

“Yeah, okay.  Raise the rating on this thing, why don’t you.”

He shook his head.  “Not that like that.  I mean, I’ve fallen in love with his samurai spirit.  It’s the same spirit which forms the basis the Shinsengumi’s heart and soul.  I was wondering, since your pets don’t seem to get along, if I might take him back with me to the Shinsengumi.  We could use such a noble mascot among our ranks.”

Completely numb and wanting to be done with this whole affair, Gintoki could only nod.  “If it will get all of you out of my house, I don’t care anymore.  Just take him and go.”

Kondo smiled. “Thank you, Gintoki!  I will not soon forget this favor!”

“Good, because I’ll be sending you the repair bills for this.”

Ignoring him, Kondo repeated, “I will not soon forget this favor!”

“Didn’t you hear me?  I said I’ll be sending you the-”

Hijikata stepped beside Gintoki and shook his head.  “Don’t waste your breath.  We’ll take care of it, if you forget this ever happened.”

“Deal.”

As everyone began to pack up and leave - including Kagura, who was out of her favorite pickled seaweed - Katsura walked up to Gintoki.  “Gintoki.  Words cannot express my gratitude.  Thanks to your sacrifice, I was able to successfully infiltrate the Shinsengumi.”

“You literally crapped your way in, but okay.”

“Regardless...”  Katsura paused, and looked deep into Gintoki’s eyes.  “I heard everything you said before opening your door, you know.”  When Gintoki opened his mouth to reply, Katsura shook his head.  His eyes flicked over to the gathered Shinsengumi members waiting at the door for him to join him.  “Gintoki.  I know that it will be difficult to see your friend leaving, and wagging his tail for a different master.  But I will always treasure the times we spent together - both the difficult ones, and the easier times where we were full of laughter and hope.  I will always treasure you, even though are paths are different.  Even if others would not agree with my decision, and hate you, I never will.  Do you understand?”

You Are Pulled From The Wreckage

Gintoki found he had no more words left in him as the soft piano playing from Yamazaki’s boombox began to fill the room.  Nothing he could say to express the well of warmth rising inside his soul at Katsura’s words.  So he said nothing, and just nodded.

Of Your Reverie

Katsura smiled.  “Good.  I will see you again someday, I’m sure. Take care of yourself, and your new comrades, Gintoki.  I know how much you treasure them, too.”

You’re In The Arms Of The Angel

He nodded again, shortly.  “Yeah.”

May You Find Some Comfort Here

As Katsura left with the Shinsengumi, Gintoki followed him outside.  As Katsura reached the bottom of the stairs, he paused and looked back up at Gintoki, a warm smile on his face.

You’re In The Arms Of The Angel

Then he turned slowly, and departed, the piano notes fading softly behind him.

May You Find Some Comfort Here

Gintoki stood out on the balcony for some time, leaning against the railing.  Once Katsura was out of sight, he returned back into his office.

And came face to the face with The Great Tower of Mosaics.

He stared at it for a moment, flies attracted to the stench buzzing around his head.

Then he shut the door, and left the building.

“Pachinko time.”

This was a problem for Future Gintoki.