#they were sick and told me to mask but apparently they didnt bother to mask... IN AN AIRPORT ON AN AIRPLANE

[999-roses]

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[gale-gentlepenguin]

ML Fic: Nathalie’s Gift Part 1

She sat up in the middle of the night.

She took a moment to let her eyes adjust to the darkness. She knew it was late, likely an hour or two away from sunrise.

She examined her surroundings until she saw him. There he was, sleeping in the chair at the end of the room. Gabriel Agreste, her boss, her ally, and the one she had fallen for, was asleep in a chair several feet away.

Ever since the defeat of the guardian and the plan to use Chloé to get the miraculous, she had been far too weak to be as mobile as she was in the past. Gabriel had set her up in his quarters, despite the mansion having dozens of rooms. He had reasoned that Adrien would never walk into his room without permission, so that it would never become apparent how her condition was deteriorating.

His logic wasn't entirely unfounded. She was constantly teetering towards the brink. Overuse of the once broken peacock miraculous has left her bedridden most days. Despite the miraculous no longer having such a negative effect now, she knew the damage was already done. 

Yet he hasn't discarded her, was it out of loyalty that he felt the need to care for her despite being more of a burden? Did he perhaps start to feel something more for her as this whole debacle went on.

The later of which was unlikely, she knew better than anyone that Gabriel was far too loyal to his wife to entertain such a notion. So long as he believed there was a chance of bringing her back, he wont stop. She could never be Emilie Agreste, the love of his life and mother of Adrien. She was Nathalie Sancoeur, trusted assistant, and partner in crime. 

She forced herself out of bed. Moving quietly as to not awaken the sleeping mogul.

She snagged her tablet, and the peacock miraculous that was next to it.

She moved to the office and sat in the office chair. Perhaps she could get some work done while she was awake. And should she feel the need to speak to someone, the blue bird Kwami would be a fitting companion.

She started looking through work but her mind kept wandering to one thought

So long as Emilie could be brought back, he could never love me. I could never replace her.

She coughed.

“Not that it matters, I am on borrowed time as it is.” She commented to herself.

She stopped herself as she let her own comment sink in.

She was on borrowed time.

With how she was now, how much time did she have, a few months? A year? Maybe a decade if she really tried to take care of herself. But it wasn't like she was sick with a normal illness. But would Gabriel be able to get the miraculous? Even with everything they had, Ladybug and Chat noir always seemed to best them at every turn. At the rate things were going, she would likely end up in a glass coffin as well, and if Gabriel fails...

In that moment of worry. An idea that could fix everything slipped into her brain.

It was a long shot sure, there was a possibility that everything will backfire. But she needed to do it.

She exited out of her work and went into the security feed using her tablet. She disabled the secret camera hidden in the lair below.

She started making a few preparations.

_______________________________________________________________________

Gabriel awoke to his phone’s sudden vibrating.

He quickly shook himself and looked at his phone.

“The alarm was tripped. Someone damaged Emilie’s chamber!”

The fashion mogul rushed out of the room. His thoughts were firing through his brain a mile a minute.

Who found the lair? Was it one of the heroes? A spy? Who would dare desecrate my beloved wife’s container?

The fashion mogul made his way to the secret elevator.

A purple Kwami emerged from the pocket of the rushing fashion designer.

“Is something wrong master?”

“It appears there is an intruder in the secret sanctum.”

“What are you planning to do?”

“Im going to show them the error of their ways. Nooru, Dark wings rise.”

Gabriel transformed into the villainous hawkmoth, His face covered by a silver mask, and is candy cane color scheme replaced with a purple suit. 

He was armed and ready to fight should. 

As the elevator reaches the bottom. Hawkmoth dashes out as soon as it opens.

He would strike quick, and take care of the intruder before they realized who they were facing.

As he approached, he stopped dead in his tracks. As he noticed someone standing infront of the Glass container.

“Hello?” The figure called out. Her voice having a familiar tone that caught the butterfly villain off guard.

As his rage diminished, he felt his vision clear and noticed the shattered glass on the floor, along with the glass container that was now broken.

“It... It can't be...” Hawkmoth’s words escaped as he realized who was standing in front of him.

“Can you tell me where I am? I woke up in this... thing over hear. Im not entirely sure what’s going on.”

“Emilie... is that you?” Hawkmoth questioned, unsure if this was a dream, or if by some miracle the love of his life was indeed back from the abyss.

“How do you know my name Mr. Masked man?”

“Nooru, dark wings fall.”

The blond woman watched as the costumed stranger revealed himself.

“Gabriel? Is that you?”

A tear spilled from his eyes as he rushed to her. 

“You're here. How is... How is this possible?”

“I... I dont...” She started to stumble as she walked towards him. Her vision was starting to fade and the world was spinning.  

Gabriel quickly moved to catch her as she suddenly fell.

He felt his heart panic, but he could hear her breathing. She was simply sleeping.

“Perhaps it would be best to take her out of her.”

Gabriel walked to the elevator, his wife in his arms, asleep yet very alive. 

His mind had 1000 questions, but in this moment, he didn't care. He was holding the woman he loved in his arms again, and thats all that mattered.

___________________________________________________________________

“Gabriel!” She cried out as she woke up.

Sunlight was beaming from the window, it was clear it had been bright out for sometime.

She felt sheets underneath her. What she expected was a hard floor in a weird sanctum but now she felt the comfort of a room that felt familiar.

She heard the door open and looked to see her husband carrying a tray.

“Oh good, you're awake.” He spoke with soft relief.

She looked at the tray.

“Are those.”

“Lemon tea cookies. Your favorite.”

She smiled at him as he brought the tray to her bedside. Allowing her to snag a bite of one of them.

“So good!” She said as she finished her first cookie. “I feel like I haven't eaten in years!”

Gabriel’s expression faltered. She could see the pained expression as she said that.

“Gabriel... how long was I gone?” Her question verbally stabbed him.

He took a moment to process the curious expression on his wife’s face as she continued eating the tray of treats.

He looked down at his hands.

“A year and 6 months.”

She gulped down her cookie hard at the revelation.

“Wow... I've been gone for so long... Adrien must be taller then... ADRIEN!”

Emilie grabbed her husband by the collar.

“Where is Adrien?!”

“He’s at school” Gabriel answered.

Emilie blinked.

“School? You mean he is no longer being homeschooled?”

“He still has some lessons, but he was insistent on trying to go to school like other children his age. It was more ideal for him to go out than for him to be stuck here most hours of the day.”

Emilie processed that information.

“I see, I am surprised you said yes. You always said you hated public schooling.”

“I still believe the school systems are... inferior, but Adrien’s grades haven't faltered according to Nathalie. So I don't bother intervening.”

“My boy has grown up so much since Ive been gone. Wait, is he dating yet? Please tell me I didn’t miss his first crush!”

“Emilie, I am sure that you didnt miss anything. You and Adrien can catch up once you are rested and he is back from school.”

Emilie took a deep breathe.

“Okay, You're right. It will be nice to hear everything from him.”

She looked around the room a bit and noticed the vase full of roses.

“Oh, fresh roses. Gabe-y you cheesy romantic.”

Gabriel felt his cheeks go pink.

“It was... the room needed some color in it.”

“Much like those red pants you insist on wearing.”

“They are fashionable.”

“If you were in charge of candyland perhaps.”

Emilie loved to tease him about is fashion calls.

“Who is the fashion designer here?” He said with a mock stern tone.

“Speaking of fashion, that costume that you were wearing. That didn’t look like the peacock miraculous.”

Gabriel’s tone shifted to genuinely serious. He figured the time would come to answer that question.

“It is the butterfly miraculous. After your...departure. Nathalie and I investigated the temple where you and I had found the peacock miraculous. We discovered a new miraculous, one that wasn't damaged.”

Gabriel felt a twinge mentioning Nathalie. When he had rushed to bring Emilie up here, he felt guilt and relief that his assistant wasn't in the bed. He would have quite a difficult time explaining that one, even if nothing happened.

“So with that miraculous you were trying to find a way to bring me back.”

“It was a means to an end.”

Emilie processed the information she was told.

“Gabriel, I want you to do something for me.”

“Anything.”

“No more miraculous. None.”

Gabriel blinked.

“But...”

“Those jewels are nothing but trouble. It has only caused our family suffering and pain.”

Gabriel was surprised by the claim, but he knew she was correct. The miraculous have been quite the curse on the family, despite the powers they gave.

“It will take time for me to stop using it outright, there is a... situation with how I’ve been using it. Your sudden appearance and the disappearance of Hawkmoth might be suspicious.”

Emilie looked at Gabriel intensely.

“Hawkmoth? Gabriel what did you do?”

“Well... in order to try an bring you back, the butterfly miraculous wasn't going to be able to accomplish that goal. So the only way I could bring you back with certainty was to attain the ladybug and Cat miraculous.”

The former actress listened as her husband explained how he became a super villain for the sake of getting the jewels.

“Unbelievable.”

“I admit, explaining it makes it sound a lot worse than it actually is. I planned to fix any damage caused once I got the jewels”

“And what if people found out your identity!? You would have been thrown in prison and left our son an Orphan!” Emilie pointed her finger in his chest.

“It was the only way I could think of to attain the miraculous. How else would I have been able to confirm the miraculous were in Paris?”

Emilie was ready to let him have it. But she felt herself calm down. She had to admit, in a weird way, it was quite romantic. Something out of a tragic romance novel.

“I should be angrier with you, but I know if the situation was reversed and I had a way of bringing you back, I would have likely tried the same thing, albeit in a smarter way.”

Gabriel felt a bit of relief seeing his wife not so cross with him.

“So we figure out how to orchestrate your ‘Defeat’ and then we say good bye to the miraculous for good.”

“We will plan it out when you are completely better. Though this does raise the question. How are you back?”

Emilie pauses, she tries to think back.

Protect the Agreste family... no matter what.

She heard that phrase echoing in her head. But she couldn't figure out why. Who said that to her. Why is everything so fuzzy?

“I don't know... I remember hearing glass shatter, and a flash of blue. But the next thing I remember was... seeing you.

Gabriel looks at her, he could tell from her eyes she was telling the truth.

“I will look into that later. In the meantime, you should rest. I will check on you in a few hours.”

He moves the empty tray from the bed.

“Wait.”

Gabriel stopped.

“Get Adrien here. I want to see him now.”

“Dear, he is in school. It will dismiss in a few hours. Besides you should rest.”

Emilie got up from the bed.

“Nonsense. Ive been resting long enough. I am sure Adrien can miss a few hours of school. I want to see my baby boy.”

Gabriel wanted to find some way to dismiss her request, but he knew he couldn't say no to her. She was far to headstrong and determined... and man did he miss her.

“Okay, I will have his driver go an pick him up.”

“You aren't going to pick him up yourself?”

“Emilie I have work to do. Besides that is why we have...”

“You can take some time off to bond with your son. Seriously, you need to stop putting up walls Gabe-y.”

Gabriel took a calming breath to compose himself.

“Very well. But do use this time to rest.”

She moves to kiss her husband.

“I promise.”

Gabriel’s expression turned into a soft smile.

“I will be back with our son shortly.”

Gabriel left the room to go pick up Adrien.

Emilie smiled as she moved to vase of roses. She picked on up and sniffed it.

The rose in her hand began wilting and shriveled up.

She looked in the mirror.

“Everything went perfectly.”

______________________________________________________________________

End of part one

(Should I continue? Let me know your thoughts)

[fantasyfandommaiden]

Adrien’s Mentorship: Telling the Truth

Ladybug didn't know what to expect when Chat Noir asked to talk about something serious with her one night during patrols. She half expected him to confess his undying love for her again, or to have some sort of over the top date planned… She did not expect her partner to be sitting quietly at the top of the Eiffel tower, patiently waiting for her with a serious expression on his face, and an even more serious discussion he wanted to have with her.

In which Chat Noir reveals to Ladybug how someone knows his identity, and how she is giving him the help and attention he needs. 

The two hero’s of Paris sat at the top of the Eiffel tower, staring out over the city. Ladybug was waiting for Chat to tell her why he called her here at the end of their patrol, however he seemed hesitant to start, and the more the silence carried, the more she began to worry. 

“I have something to tell you, Milady…” he began softly, not looking at her but over the city. Ladybug looked at him with a concerned expression on her face as he continued “And I ask that you don’t interrupt me until I am finished speaking…”

Ladybug looked at her partner, eyebrows furrowed slightly as she nodded “Okay…”

Chat Noir took a deep breath, as if steeling his nerves before he began to speak. “I know secrets are important. I know there are some things you can’t tell me because they arent your secrets to tell, or the Guardian asked you not to, and I get that. It still hurts a lot, but I get that, and secret identities are super important to you, I get it. It hurts that there are so many secrets between the two of us, I’m not going to lie.” he told her softly, his hands gently gripping the edge of the platform where the two of them were sitting.

“That's not what I want to talk about tonight though.” he stated, taking a deep breath “... I’ve gotten a magic mentor, and she knows my identity.”

Ladybug’s eyes widened as she stood up suddenly, staring down at her partner in horror “WHAT?!” she yelled, recoiling slightly when she noticed Chat flinch and his ears fall flat against his head. “Chat how could you let this happen?! Our identities-”

“Are very important, I know. Can you please let me finish?” he asked her, still looking out over Paris and not at her. Ladybug looked at her partner, her concern for her partner over writing her shock. 

She slowly sat down, taking a deep breath as her partnered continued.

“I didn’t tell anyone my secret identity, least of all my magic teacher.” he explained “My teacher can see through glamour, and we run in similar circles, so apparently when she saw me up close in person the first time she recognised me…” Chat stated to her “She only told me recently however when she saw that I… wasn't doing well.”

Ladybug looked at Chat, her frown ever present “... why weren't you doing well?” she asked him softly. She knew that this was going into civilian lives territory, but this was her partner! Her best friend… he never really spoke of his home life but she always just assumed he did well for himself with how happy he always was. 

“...Without going into detail Bugaboo, my home life isn’t the greatest. I’m not abused or anything, no one hits me or denies me food, but my… parents aren't exactly the warmest towards me.” he explained softly, looking everywhere but at Ladybug. “... The only ones that pay any attention to me at my house are the people who are employed by my parents, and they have to remain professional towards me otherwise they could lose their jobs, they try to be there for me but its just… I don’t really have anyone to give me guidance, or teach me important skills.”

“And then with Master Fu trusting you so much with the Miraculous and getting training from him…” Chat said, frowning “... that hurt too, and she saw that. She saw that, and offered me the chance to teach me.” 

He finally looked at Ladybug, his eyes misting over slightly as he tried his hardest not to cry “... she actually takes me out to do things with her not out of obligation or because its her job but because she really, and TRULY wants to. She is teaching me magic to help me become a better asset to you and the fight against Hawkmoth, and she doesnt turn away from me or tune me out when I have questions. Milady, I can tell you have a great support both in and out of the mask, I can just tell…” he looked at her, a sad smile on his face as he sniffled “... I don’t. I NEED this, and I didnt want to keep this from you… so please trust me.” 

Ladybug looked at her partner for a long moment. Every single logical part of her brain told her this was a bad idea. Even if Chat has not revealed his identity on purpose, anyone knowing who they were was a danger not only to the hero’s but also the person themselves, but the more she looked at Chat… the more she realised how much he desperately needed this.

“... What's her name?” Ladybug asked him softly, and Chat let out a small sniffle, laughing.

“So, um, funny story. I asked her if I could tell you about my magic lessons, and she agreed under a few conditions, one of which was that I couldn’t use her real name, so I'm going to call her by a fake one, so I chose the name Kiki.”

Ladybug blinked a few times, looking at him in confusion before she let out a small laugh “Please tell me you did not-”

“Name her after Kiki’s Delivery Service? Of course I did Milady, it was such a purfect chance I couldn’t afford to miss it!”

~~~~~~~~

Adrien didn't know what to expect the five days when he was informed that Mr. Chan wanted to squeeze in another lesson. He knew that Ladybug would have most likely told Master Fu about his new mentor, he hadn’t told her not to. 

So he sat there in his room, his knee bouncing as he waited for Master Fu. 

“Kid relax, your making ME anxious!” Plagg started with an eye roll.

“He is going to be mad isn't he?” Adrien asked, his leg continuing to bounce “What if he decides I can't be Chat Noir anymore because of this?” 

Plagg looked at Adrien with wide eyes, and was about to say something when the door opened and Master Fu walked in, closing the door behind him.

Master Fu looked at Adrien with a neutral expression as he walked up and Adrien found himself gripping his ring tighter. “Master.” Adrien said to him. 

“Chat Noir.” Master Fu said, giving a slight bow before he sat down. “Ladybug has informed me that you have recently gained another teacher as of late…” 

“Yes.”

“And that they know your identity.”

“... Yes.”

Master Fu let out a small sigh “... I understand the reason for your impatiences Adrien, however to go out and seek a magic teacher when you yourself are already the wielder of a Miraculous was very unwise-”

“I didn’t seek her out.” Adrien interrupted him, giving him a hard look “She came to ME offering ME the chance to learn magic from her. She isn’t afraid to give me the answers I seek, or to give me a chance.” he stated to him.

Master Fu gave Adrien a hard look in return “You do not know if she would even be a good teacher to begin with in regards to the magical arts-” 

“Oh, and you would?” Plagg stated, speaking for the first time. Adrien and Master Fu looked at the kwami in shock at his statement as Plagg looked at Fu with an almost condescending expression.

“Tell me Master, what is YOUR qualifications to teach magic exactly~? Sure, your guardian, you have the skills to heal us kwami’s when were sick, and you can now make these magic potions to help me and Tikki get power ups we need in order to fight Hawkmoth, but outside of that, you aren’t exactly Merlin.” Plagg stated as he floated closer to Fu, not stopping till he was no more than three inches from the elderly man’s face.

“But the kids magic teacher? The lady were gonna be calling ‘Kiki’ whenever we talk about her? She is a real, genuine, bonafide, born and raised mage.” Plagg stated, smirking widely as Fu’s eyes widened noticeably. “I couldn’t tell at first, since she was hiding it so well, but now that she doesn't bother to hide it with me and the kid around? The air vibrates with the amount of magic she emmits!” Plagg exclaimed, continuing to smirk. “In regards to teaching magic, you could barely hold a candle to her.”

“Plagg, there is no need to be disrespectful-” Adrien tried to intervene. 

“No kid, I am not being disrespectful. I’m being truthful.” Plagg stated, not taking his eyes off Fu. “We aren't gonna find a better magic teacher than Kiki anywhere close. If you're not gonna teach my kitten a useful skill, at least someone is, if you aren't happy about it, too bad. You can’t control what Adrien does outside of the mask.”

[oahumyheart]

on the 3rd i had surgery. it feels like such a  long time ago but it was only like 20 something days. that day itself was incredibly stressful and hard on me. so when the nurses took me to the operating room i remember the guy putting a mask on me and telling me to breathe deeply. i remember looking at the clock 8:27am and then next thing i remember im in recovery. but im incredibly thirsty!! and im still so weak and i keep telling the nurse who is with me “water, please im thirsty” but i could only whisper, when she finally heard me she gave me a cotton swab soaked in ice water. i tried waking up from the anesthesia myself but it was too strong so i fell back to sleep. i woke up in my hospital room and my mom and mardany are standing over me. i didnt’ feel good, my stomach hurt and i had to pee really bad. apparently my heart rate was really really high, its suppossed to be 90/100 but mine was 130/140. they wanted to transfer me to the cardiac department. they ended up giving me medicine in my IV to lower my heart rate and they also gave me anxiety meds. that seemed to help me becasuse my heart rate slowed down to normal range and i was able to get up and walk around and drink water. in the evening my dad and jocy came to visit me but i was still so out of it i just sat there. i remember crying to my mom and struggling to hug her. my emotions were just all over the place, i was sad and scared and emotional. i kept asking her “what did i just do? why did i do this to myself?”. then i started dry heaving super bad, like i would cough and try to throw up but there was nothing in my stomach to throw up. i didn’t sleep that night in the hospital because i kept dry heaving. i did that so much throughtout the night the next 4 days my chest, throat and neck were so sore. i even lost my voice! so my night nurse gave me medicine for naeusa and gave me some sleeping medicine so i can sleep. i ended up falling asleep on the chair. 

the next day (wednesday) i was able to go home in the afternoon. that night too i cried. unsure why i was really crying i hugged my mom and cried harder. looking back it was mostly pain from my scars and just feeling confused and scared. 

i was put on a liquid diet for 3 weeks. protein shakes, water, greek yogurt, and sugar free pudding i lived off of. i couldn’t stand the smell or taste of broth or jello. the liquid stage was so fucking hard! i smelled food and wanted to eat it but knowing i couldn’t i got so emotional at times. but i just keep reminding myself of the reward in the end, a good healthy body.

this week i was allowed to progress into the next stage, soft food. now i am able to eat tuna, eggs, cream of wheat, cooked veggies, cheese. omg on sunday i cried eating tuna hahaha it was my first taste of food in 21 days! and im so grateful i am able to hold down these foods and not get sick. 

ive been living with this for 3 weeks now, and ive handled this so good. i have only told sissy exactly what i had sugery for. none of my coworkers know, not even juan knows! and only select family members know as well. im just nervous to hear their response, im embarrassed i guess. so its this big secret. it sucks not really having anybody to confide in. ive gone through this experience alone basically. i dont have friends, or someone to text 24/7. im alone and ive been dealing with this alone. 

this month has been one of the most difficult times of my life. ive had to learn to eat again and giving my stomach time to heal. my scars still hurt and bother me on the right side. im not allowed to pick up anything more than 5lbs. so i sit at home feeling like a bum. i nap like 2 times a day and i took off 6 weeks off of work. so i go back the day after easter. and while at times i feel inadequate i realize my body is so fucking strong! it survived intense surgery, recovered and is managing. my body is fucking strong! im strong! as of today i have lost 80lbs. im so close to 100! after 100lbs ill celebrate, because that is amazing. but i have so much further to go. 

so whenever im in a mood i just remind myself that i went thru hell and survived. i survived and im getting healthier and stronger. and watch, by summer time ill be looking a motherfucking snack! ill be fucking glowing inside and out and i cant fucking wait! 

[yourehalfaworldaway]

Free Association #29

I’ve been trying to put this off, for so long, so long. I feel sick, my heart is breaking... I’ve been seeing someone. The moment I saw his name, something within me pulled me to him, I had no idea what. I’d lay in bed at night and wonder why I couldn’t stop thinking about this stranger I hadn’t seen or talked to or thought about in years. When we started talking, everything became rose colored. He’s passionate, with goals, going to university, and brave. He’s a musician, an actor, a singer. On our first date he impressed me with his knowledge of old black and white films. I became head over heels, much, much too quickly. When we kiss, it feels like his lips are meant for mine. But when we kiss I don’t see him, I see you. I see green eyes and dark pink lips, dreamy looks. But once again the universe is asking me to settle, to live against my morals. 

He tells me he’s slept with many women, casually... I didn’t mind, I was a bit surprised, but my first inclination was not to judge when he told me. But then the paranoia and self doubt set in: Is he just looking to just sleep with me? How can people just casually have sex with so many partners meanwhile I’m having trouble getting aroused with even a close friend? Who were these women? Does he still talk to them? Am I expected to be a porn star if we ever sleep together? I can’t help but have occasional venomous, sarcastic thoughts about his promiscuity. But he’s so positive, so warm, and cheerful. Incredibly non judgmental and supportive. He was inspiring me to do the same. But then everything came spiraling down. Some days, lately, he can spend the entire day without talking to me. He doesn’t say goodnight, doesn’t really say good morning. I wasn’t sure why; I brought it up to him a few times that it bothered me, as it was just cordial, polite thing to at least let someone your texting knowing you’re going to sleep. He blamed it on the fact that it was because he was smoking and drinking with friends and forgets. So basically, drunk and high. I’ve never particularly had trouble with the alcohol prospect, but he drinks incredibly heavily for my taste. But of course my immediate reaction was to the smoking. I knew I had lost. If it ever came down to me or that, I didn’t stand a chance. I told him this. He told me he didn’t want to lose me, that he would never put that in front of me. It was sweet. I don’t think I ever believed him. 

This was proven to me when we decided to spend new years together. He came to pick me up, and when he kissed me and hugged me, he smelled like Mistah J. I was stunned, but thought, no, there must be some mistake. We got into his car, and he handed me my gift: photographs of flowers around the world his mother had took. I flipped through them and noticed the lighter in the cup holder. “It smells like cigarettes,” I casually reported, I looked over at him and saw him squirm. “Sorry about that”. He stopped to get me an energy drink and him a pack of gum. It did nothing to mask the smell that clung to his clothes. We went to downtown San Jose to spend the new year at a bar with his friends. I was surprised to see what his friends looked like. On the outside we probably look like a bunch of freaks and geeks. But this was not so. First, we went back to one of his friend’s car, they opened the trunk, and began publicly drinking just on the open street. Lawful Neutral, I just watched. His friend pulled out a cigarette and offered him one, he paused but shook his head and patted his pockets, “I’ve got my own”. That was the second pang, I felt so cold. 

We finally got into the bar, but I waited to drink, attempting to decide if I even wanted to. They decided they wanted to move to the outside back patio- so they could smoke while they drank. The DJ finally started to play good music, and of course with that, I was the first one to dance, not just within my own party, but of the whole place as well, completely sober. I flirted with one of his friends, I don’t know if he noticed. It was the green eyes. Yours will haunt me forever. I look for you in everyone. We found a good corner spot, and I finally decided I could go for a drink. I got 2 different beers, but they tasted the same to me. I had told him I only really drank when I was upset. I wonder if he thought I was celebrating. I was sipping my first beer when I smelled it. I turned around, he was a couple paces behind me smoking, attempting to nonchalantly hide it at his side. I turned back around, I drank faster. Everyone was numbing themselves, I wanted to be numb too. I had been right. I had lost. He would never give up these type of friends, this party life, his smoking for me. This validation left me colder. He left to get more drink and in that time one of his friends came up to me and forced kisses on my face, told me I was beautiful, and lucky to be with Jacob. “I am no ones,” I replied. 

He came back and I noticed he began another cigarette. That hurt more than the smoke burning my lungs. I turned around and closed my eyes, I put my hand on my chest, and tried to breath as much as I could. I was definitely feeling choked by the fumes and in the grip of alcohol, but I felt more hollow than anything else. He came up behind me and wrapped his arm around my waist, asked me if I was ok. I remember I nodded, I dont remember if I answered. I then began to fluctuate between being happy and dancing, and standing absolutely still and stone faced, holding back tears. I’ve never been the one to cry while drinking, but it all was becoming so heavy. 

New years came or it happened or… people were counting down. Everything was happening at once fast but in slow motion. I knew I didn’t want to kiss him. I was supposed to turn around and kiss him, that was the plan right? But I didnt, so he went to hug the nearest friend near him and then me. That ended being a side hug and a head kiss. I didn’t look up to meet his gaze, I dont think I even said anything to him. He went to hug his other friends, and I just… stood there, feeling like a shell, surrounded by people I didn’t care about or knew. He came back and hugged me again, and this time tried to properly kiss me, I didn’t come up to meet him. Just turned my head and said, “I don’t kiss smokers” “I know…” he said sadly, and gave me a quick peck on the mouth. But I couldn’t help it, my heart skipped. I grabbed his face and gave him a proper kiss. He tasted like Mistah J. 

His friends ended up getting kicked out for trying to take a piss where they weren’t supposed to. Party’s over. We left, but not before he had another drink. I stood there quietly, sadly at the bar and sipped my water. He left to use the bathroom before we left, and I couldn’t remember the last time I was surrounded by so many people and felt so lonely. He came back for me and we went looking for his piss drunk friends who apparently went to a 7/11 several blocks away. I couldn’t keep up with him, he’s tall of course and takes long strides. I had to keep asking him to slow down, it wasn’t really the alcohol, it was the smoke that I had been surrounded by beginning to catch up to me. It made my breaths short. We found his friends and they were talking about going to another party. He asked me what I wanted to do, I told him I’d go with him if he wanted to go. We walked with his friends for a block before he abruptly stopped and looked at me, “Babe, I think I’m gonna call it” I think I said Ok. He called out to his friends that we weren’t going and they nodded and wished us well. We went back towards the 7/11 and I bought us gatorades so we could sober up. I wasn’t going to let him drive until he finished the entire thing and I felt clear headed enough.

His mother works in downtown, and she let us use her garage pass for the building she works in, he parked us on the highest floor on top. When we got to his car…. I must have been walking slower behind him. I just remember he was sitting on some sort of metal box that was next to his car. I was still feeling upset so I just roughly, irritatingly placed my gatorade on the trunk of his car… I noticed the cigarette boxed placed there also. I leaned up against the car and I just looked at him. I think I may have looked around and talked about the planes or buildings, I was just trying not to fall into his arms, which I knew we both wanted. But I pitied him… and I felt… wrong for withholding my affection. I ended up in his embrace, with his head laying on my chest and mine on top of his head. Him sitting was the equivalent to my standing up height. He held my waist and kissed my neck. He was attempting to work his way up to my lips and when he finally did, I turned my head. “You taste like cigarettes” I pouted. “I know,” he mumbled and buried his face in my chest, “I know they’re bad for me, I’m trying to stop”. I don’t think that did much to console me, but I stood there with his face buried in my chest, arms around my waist and I stroked his head, neck, and ears. Occasionally, I stopped and kissed him lightly around the face. Then I caught a glimpse of his eyes. And I felt myself being pulled closer like a magnet and kissing him. We ended up in the back of his car, with the kissing never stopping. He had found my spot since the very beginning and loves to feel me quiver, so as soon as I ended up sitting on him he began to slowly drag his fingers along my back … 

He drives frightfully fast. I don’t why he’s always in a hurry. He drives as if the world was ending. Maybe it is. I cannot contain my sadness… I wake up this morning, and feel like I can still taste him on my breath, smell him on my hands. I feel betrayed, but even more so I feel like a betrayer. Like a widow who can’t move on because she knows her husbands still watching over her. I thought I had… made a mistake originally. That surely this must have been the Jacob I was supposed to love. But I’m finding him to be…. Everything I loved about you and hoped you’d be… with the habits and lifestyle of Mistah J. I love Mistah J, but there was a reason I refused him again and again. I feel… insincere. I see flashing images of Mistah J and you… comforting images of what I’ve loved; security, wonder, warmth. I’ve once again fallen in love with love, not so much the man. Can I live with myself? Can I live at all?