#they’re teaching this bs to kids so I have to take it serious and argue against them or the kids there won’t know any better

[makkie-is-screaming]

funny that all the people in my family who walk around in their “kill your local pedophile” and “shoot a rapist” shirts constantly say and do things that perpetuate rape culture

[okayoonoh]

TEN’S FAMILY

here’s the guide to ten’s rambunctious family! i have so many ideas for ten’s family it’s hard to settle for just one main one lol

here’s the masterlist to all things nct dad related! a johnny family scenario is coming out soon ;)

CHITTAPHON LEECHAIYAPORNKUL (TEN)

he has three kids, 2 boys and 1 girl. kasem leechaiyapornkul (kaleb) is the oldest, 3 years later, somchai leechaiyapornkul (shawn) was born, and 5 years after that, amarin leechaiyapornkul (aria) was born.

(when aria was born, kaleb was 8 and shawn was 5)

KASEM LEECHAIYAPORNKUL (KALEB): >> as a baby <<

ooh boy

he was a trouble maker from the start

you guys thought you were ready for parenthood

which you were

but you weren’t ready for kaleb

he was a handful

he broke everything he touched

like he was gifted with a mountain of toys

broke every single on of them

how?

the world may never know.

he was a handful that never gave you guys a break 

but those few moments when he’ll flash you a smile that looks just like his dad’s?

everything was worth it

he honestly just was a lot tho

like if you know return of the superman

he’s a lot like ko seungjae with how crazy he can be

like he was really advanced as a baby too

like the second he learned how to crawl

he was already trying to stand up by himself

he was really good with rhythms at a young age

like most babies just bang on stuff

but if you played music

he would genuinely try to keep in time with everything

and he lowkey does

a musical prodigy tbh

he wasn’t that sensitive

like he wouldn’t cry at the smallest things

he just was full of energy 24/7

like if you didn’t swaddle him while he was sleeping

he would mess up the whole entire bassinet

he also loved to grab your hair like all the time

it was really annoying

it got to the point where either you tied your hair up constantly or you cut it

but he didn’t grab your hair just for the fun of it

he grabbed it because he wanted to bring your face down closer to his so you can give him a big ‘ole kiss

he was full of boundless energy but it’s with good reasons

>> as a child <<

still a trouble maker

he’s the main source of your’s and ten’s headaches

you know how like ten can be annoyingly cute?

that’s kaleb 24/7

loves to boss around his younger siblings

you’ve had to have many conversations with him about that

ten: kaleb, your siblings are not your servants.

kaleb: but i’m the oldest!

ten: that’s true. we take it back

you: nO THAT’S NOT TRUE TEN WHY DID HE SWAY YOU SO EASILY?

ten is so happy that his first child was a son

all of the things he mentioned in that one live about his son

he’s gonna do it

from a young age, kaleb already knew how to speak thai, english, and a little bit of mandarin

he taught him how to dance

he taught him how to play piano

honestly just like

baby ten?

that’s kaleb

ten is really good at handling him

but like if it’s logic that ten can’t argue with

then you’re screwed

for example

kaleb: dad, let’s cover the house with bubbles so it cleans everything and we can play in them

ten: that is a compelling argument son, but i like the way you think. so efficient

kaleb: anD MOM WILL LIKE IT TOO! WE’LL CLEAN THE HOUSE FOR HER!

thank god you were out of soap that day

the two of them feed off of each other’s energies tbh

like, again, return of the superman

ten and kaleb would be running up and down the streets

like you’ll send them on a task to just get some eggs or something

and they’ll return with the eggs!

but also like 500 different kinds of candy

and a cat

he loves animals

he’s really empathetic

he doesn’t deal with any bs tho

like if someone is complaining about something that isn’t a problem

he doesn’t deal with it

he’ll straight up tell them to stop

he’s best friends with johnny’s oldest, noah seo.

they’re honestly just like their dads when they hang out

genetics is weIRD

they relate with each other a lot because they both are the oldest and they both have a little brother and a baby sister

noah calms kaleb down

kaleb brings up noah’s energy

a dynamic duo if i do say so myself

>> as a teen/adult <<

a little better

he’s still pretty bubbly and playful

but when it gets serious

he can be serious

he became a dancer alongside lee youngchul

they work together in their studio

they learned baby don’t stop for their dads and their dads were sO HECKIN PROUD LIKE THEY CRIED

he loves to choreograph stuff for groups

he’s usually the one who choreographs the dance of the year like every year

he has tens nose and lips, but your eyes

he loves to tease people

not so much a prankster

he loves to tease people like vocally

he can sing, but he prefers dancing

everyone wants him to debut lol

he doesn’t really want to

he already kinda does

he’s so wholesome and goofy

but when it gets to dancing

he can be bad cop

youngchul doesn’t have it in him to be bad cop

but kaleb?

it’s all about the dance

he’ll apologize before every practice

like “i’m sorry if i say something that offends you, but you don’t get to your goals by slacking.”

he makes his dancers work HARD

youngchul usually deals with the rookies and the newbies and the younger ones

but kaleb deals with the advanced groups and stuff

and ooh boy

he tells it as it is

like if he can tell that no one practiced

he’ll just end rehearsal right then and there

people still want to learn from him tho

and they know that he’s not doing this with any evil intent

he just respects dance and visual arts so much that he needs to know that people will be as dedicated as him

he’s a genuinely cool person tho

like when it’s not about dancing, he’s one of those guys who you can do anything with

if he sees one of his dancers genuinely struggling, he’ll stay with them after practice as late as they want to work

he’ll order them food too while they work hard

he admires hard work more than talent

honestly, a really good person/teacher who gives off the best results because of it.

SOMCHAI LEECHAIYAPORNKUL (SHAWN): >> as baby <<

an actual sweetheart

it’s like the universe gave you grace bc kaleb was such a meanie

he didn’t really cry that much

he was pretty calm

even when he cried, it wasn’t super loud

like he made the face of a crying baby

but his volume was somewhat quiet

his brother would make him cry a lot (on accident tho)

like kaleb would just want to go and play with him

but then he forgets that babies can’t catch

and the ball hits shawn in the face

and shawn will start crying

but kaleb would go and hug him, just repeating

“don’t tell mom, don’t tell mom, don’t tell mom.”

shawn wouldn’t

shawn can’t even talk yet lmao

anyway

he was just a sweetheart and people pleaser

like his older brother, he started learning languages asap

he was pretty smart too

but he was way more empathetic than anything

like he knew when ten would be gone for tour

and he’d cry if he saw a video or picture of him

same for you too

like if you were gone, he’d cry too

he loves his family so much

he was pretty curious as a little baby tho

like he would always follow kaleb

he would even copy everything kaleb did

like from a young age he looked up to kaleb and wanted to be like him

he wasn’t too much of a hassle

he would play by himself well

he was a little bit of a picky eater

he had a weak stomach :(

if you gave him something that was a little too strong in a certain flavor, he would throw up

but he wouldn’t want you to worry and most times he’d try to hold it in

but his stomach is just too weak :(

it’s okay tho, he’s still a pretty happy baby regardless

>> as a child <<

still calm

adores his older brother

does whatever his older brother says

he thinks kaleb is the coolest person in the world

he looks just like you tbh

he’s really good at taking care of his little sister

he doesn’t boss her around

shawn tries to keep the peace

he doesn’t have the most overwhelming personality like kaleb and aria

he’s just chill

he’s best friends with mark’s oldest, ethan lee, and jaehyun’s oldest, jung lani

they’re honestly the dream team

like their all so smart

they just make such woke decisions

like for example

if you sent the three of them to go get snacks

they would combine their money and get one of those gigantic value bags

seeing the three of them together is so endearing

like the three of them listen so well

if you’re out with them and they walk together, they’ll all hold hands so they don’t lose each other

no one knows where this adorable bond comes from

but it’s just so nice

they’re all supportive of each other too

ug h

just the sweetest

i’ll stop now bc this is about shawn lol

he loves his friends and family

he’s not super sensitive

but if kaleb is mad at him, he’ll cry

he still likes to follow kaleb and do what he does

kaleb tries to mess with him, but shawn just replies with so much love

like kaleb would pull a prank

or say something like “why did you do something like that?”

“because i love you, phi*!”

*the thai version of hyung

kaleb can’t stay mad at him for too long lol

shawn likes to follow you around with whatever you do lol

like if you’re cooking, he wants to watch

if you’re cleaning, he’ll help you

he loves his family so much

he enjoys the sun and outdoors

he also enjoys taking care of the younger ones

he’s such a good older brother to aria

like he can prepare her formula, grab her diapers, etc. 

he’s so helpful and just a joy to have in the house

you’ve only had to scold him once or twice in his entire life lol

kaleb has to be scolded like once or twice a day lololol

honestly, he’s just so wholesome and made your’s and ten’s life easier

>> as a teen/adult <<

became a kindergarten teacher

he loves the simple life

doesn’t really want to be a full time idol, but he loves that his friends and family are

he is SO attractive tho

literally everyone is attracted to him

he does a little modeling on the side

after ethan and lani tricked him into going to an audition

but he prefers his job as a kindergarten teacher

he teaches at like an international school

he’s really good at it too

he teaches in english, but he can also teach in thai, mandarin, korean, japanese, etc.

moms put their kids in his class just so they can see him lol

he loves teaching kids

he loves seeing them get so excited over tiny accomplishments

he also loves being that positive role models in their lives

when it comes to girls tho?

he’s REALLY REALLY REALLY bad with girls

like

really bad

he cannot pick up hints for the life of him

like lani, ethan, and shawn would be out eating lunch

and the waitress would CLEARLY be flirting with hiim

like she even gave him his number on the receipt

and lani would be like “so... the cute waitress seems interested in you, shawn! go add her number!”

and he would turn beat red and be like

“sHE’S INTERESTED IN ME?? I THOUGHT SHE WAS JUST BEING NICE??????”

and lani and ethan both facepalm

and ethan would say something like “dude, she literally said that she’s never had a customer as cute as you.”

and shawn would be like “i thOUGHT SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT LANI!!!! :(((”

and lani would be like, “shawn... she was looking at YOU when she said that.”

poor baby is denser than a brick wall

he gets flustered and freaks out in a relationship

he’s just trying is best!

when he finally gets into a relationship

he’s so flustered like 24/7

ethan and lani would attempt to help him become more smooth and spontaneous

but anytime he does anything spontaneous it goes wrong lol

he’s not a super loud dude either

buT WHEN HE GOES TO HIS SISTER’S CONCERTS?

he’s the loudest in the room

he supports the HECK out of his siblings

he’ll go to all of kaleb’s shows/competitions

and he’ll go to all of aria’s concerts

he is decked out, head to tow, with their merch

it’s like he throws all of his pride out of the window when it comes to family

he’s honestly really good with fashion too

like he does enjoy shopping and keeping up with the trends

he like looks good 24/7

he’s just a wholesome brick wall living his best life

AMARIN LEECHAIYAPORNKUL (ARIA): >> as a baby <<

honestly

basically kaleb

but a girl

she was a little less troublesome

and more needy

kaleb would honestly be like straight up mean at times

but aria was more needy 

she always needed to be with someone

like if she was alone by herself 

she would cry

thank goodness your family was full so someone can always be with her

she loves her older brothers

to be 100% honest, she hated ten at first lol

i think some babies go through a phase where they hate their dads

i for sure did lol

like aria would just not vibe with him at all

anything bad that happened, she would blame ten

ten started getting super sad about it

kaleb and shawn would help their dad tho

and aria started warming up to him

she eventually became clingiest to him

it was just a phase i promise

ten would dress her up in the prettiest things

like there’s a whole closet in your house dedicated to aria’s pretty dresses

ten is a really good girl dad

like he’ll throw away his pride for her

if she wanted to leave the house in her sleeping beauty dress

ten would leave dressed up as the prince

(he would even dress up kaleb and shawn in animal outfits or something lol)

she has been a big eater since the beginning

like the second she could eat solid foods, it was over

she was eating everything that she could eat

her favorite foods were fruits tho rip ten

she was happiest when she was surrounded by her family with food

>> as a child <<

she became the sweetest little princes in the whole world

ten spoiled the HECK out of her 

like he bought her a whole section of toys once bc she couldn’t decide on just one

she fights with kaleb a lot

they don’t physically fight

they argue tho

kaleb tries to tell her to do something

she does it reluctantly

shawn does his best to be an amazing older brother

she listens to shawn more than she listens to kaleb just to spite him lol

she’s best friends with johnny’s youngest, luna seo, and taeyong’s youngest, lee youngmi

the three of them are like the powerpuff girls

aria is like bubbles

she is so sweet and kind and rainbows and butterflies

but the second something goes kinda wrong

she’ll freak out, cry, and/or get super duper ultra mad

no one wants to let anything hurt her bc she’s so cute and sweet

everyone is drawn by her energy lol

she’s always been tiny from the start

and she remains to be tiny

but this girl can EAT

like she can easily eat her entire body weight and then some

she loves to dress up her brothers

shawn will do it, no question

kaleb will do it too, but reluctantly

honestly, everyone in the family is so whipped for aria lol

she’s usually not super shy

but the second she meets a handsome older boy?

she becomes hella shy

she loves to color and draw

she’s also super optimistic

when she’s with luna and youngmi

she becomes so chaotic

she will YELL about how happy she is

aria is honestly a delight to have around :)

>> as a teen/adult <<

honestly

the most happy and bubbly personality

she’s so sweet and giggly like all the time

she’s tiny too

she joins a girl group with luna and youngmi

and she’s the littlest in the group

she’s their main dancer and main vocalist

this girl can BELT out notes

like she’s so little

but her voice is so strong

like her range is amazing

she has perfect pitch

and she can do runs like no tomorrow

she loves her brothers

kaleb and her still fight a little bit

but their fights aren’t serious at all

she loves animals

but she especially loves cats

she also does art as a hobby and she’s honestly really good at it

as an idol, she’s pretty wholesome

she’s really goofy

aria is the groups translator

she’s just as good as her brothers at the different languages

she has a little bit of a british accent 

she the maknae of the group

the most humble person tho

she has a hard time learning dances lol

she just takes a little bit longer than everyone else

kaleb helps her out tho

he doesn’t treat her like he treats his dancers

like he’ll tease her a bit more, but he’ll slow the moves down for her and stuff

when she does learn the moves tho ooh boy

she can be so creative with her freestyles and stuff

she loves all things cute

like her room is full of plushies

she barely throws away the plushies her fans get her because she loves all of them

she’s the type of person to find the beauty and love in everything

she loves to visit shawn’s classes and help him out with the little ones

she’s so thankful for her brothers and her dad and you!

aria makes sure that she visits home as much as possible

she’s really empathetic and will cry if things get too much :,)

honestly, everyone is thankful she became such a positive and nice person

you and ten raised her and your boys well, despite all of the headaches!

---

shawn is honestly a mood lmao

the johnny scenario is done now and will be posted soon :)

i hoped you guys liked it! i’m definitely excited to write my ult’s babies haha

also! requests are open! go ahead and drop by some suggestions about the families or even just a fluff scenario for anyone! i love writing, but sometimes, i just need some prompts to help me out lol. go ahead and drop by and let me know what y’all want!

- amy <3

[disappearinginq]

Sorry if you’re not here because you know about my Deception fics (a fandom that has taken up most of my time recently). But you’re about to get vaguely rant-y updates. 

I like guest reviewers. Really, I do. I’m not a huge fan of the ones who use anonymous mode to complain about the way I expand on a head canon who ask me questions without a way of answering without posting it in an update or new chapter. So you poor people get answers here. 

1) I have serious problems accepting MW as any source of legitimate information. Of her own feelings or otherwise. As the audience, we know she didn’t know there were two Black kids when she first met Johnny as a kid. She thought he was Cameron. So that supposed ‘kindred spirit’ thing she keeps going on about is based off of false information. When she thought it was Cameron on the roof, she was going to shoot Johnny in the back of the head in 1x08. Doesn’t sound like she had any idea who she was talking to, or who she supposedly had a connection with, and considering the episode ends with her telling her minion ‘she picked the wrong brother’. Up until Cameron had no idea what she was talking about when she mentioned Iceland, she thought her ‘soulmate’ was Cameron. Even when she’s talking to Jonathan at the bar in the finale, when it shows how they met the second time, she thinks she’s talking to Cameron, because at this point, she doesn’t know there’s two of them. Which means her connection she thinks she sees is the one where they’re kids doomed to the life their parents laid out for them. 

2) No, I don’t think Jonathan has it in for Cameron. Anyone who has siblings knows you can hate one another, but if an outsider butts in, all bets are off. I can call my sister a jerk. You call my sister a jerk, and you’re losing teeth. And I think Jonathan has been told his whole life how to feel about his brother by other people. You can even see the change in him when he hears Cameron whine that MW electrocuted him earlier in the day. Or when Cameron accuses Johnny of betraying him. Siblings are complicated. But when some Senorita Psycho shows up to try and kill your brother because of something the father you hated did 20 years ago? Suddenly shit gets kinda simple. Also, his first reaction when he’s been arrested for ‘murder’ (don’t even get me started how mad I am at the case presented by the FBI) is to point out that whoever set him up wasn’t setting him up, they were setting Cameron up, because no one even knew Jonathan existed - which includes MW at this point. 

3) Jonathan has knowledge that MW doesn’t. She thinks Cameron is just like Sebastian, and she’s been holding a grudge against him (technically, against Jonathan, since he was the one Sebastian warned her away from) ever since. Her speech to him about being truly happy in Iceland away from Cameron for the first time is entirely BS because of information we as the audience already know: that she didn’t know who she was talking to at the time. She is a master manipulator who is more than a little unhinged and wants to cause harm to Cameron - which is what she intends by pitting them against one another. But her plan hinges entirely on convincing Jonathan they have this magic connection of hating Cameron. Jonathan isn’t stupid. Annoyed, yeah. Pissed off, sure. But Jonathan is just as much to blame for sticking it out after Sebastian died as Cameron is. Johnny could’ve walked. He could’ve left. He could’ve told the whole world that he existed. But he didn’t. The only thing that makes sense is that he loves his brother more than he hates the life. Again - siblings are weird. We do stupid shit for love of siblings that we would never do for anyone else (parents included). And here’s the important part: Jonathan knows what it was like for Cameron growing up with Sebastian. Where MW thinks that Cameron was Sebastian’s darling angel that he didn’t want mixing with the rabble and that he was ‘too good’ for her. The only flashbacks we have are 1) Sebastian purposely endangering Cameron during a bank heist when he was a little kid [no, just because Sebastian was the man behind it doesn’t mean that things couldn’t have gone wrong - it was a heist - and people had guns] and 2) Sebastian locked Cameron in a small, dark container with his hands cuffed and then left him for hours to teach him to get over his anxiety and learn to do a trick more proficiently. Even talking about their childhood, Cameron points out how badly their dad fucked them up. The biggest difference was that Jonathan didn’t care about Sebastian’s approval, but Cameron did. He also knows that the woman Cameron loved left him because she thought Cameron was cheating on her - and instead, it was because Cameron was spending time with Jonathan and didn’t tell her. Having that knowledge means he would know off the bat that MW’s issues with Cameron were based entirely off a delusion or perceived ancient insult when she was 11. 

4) Mystery Woman canonically takes things out of context. She saw Sebastian Black as a ‘father figure’ despite knowing him for a perceived...five days? Give or take? He showed her one coin trick and gave her a quarter and that was about it. She insists that she and Johnny have a connection based on a conversation he doesn’t remember at all until she mentions the coin - which, he was right, was Sebastian’s, he’d just given it to her first. It could be argued that Jonathan lied about not remembering anything from Iceland, but why lie to Kay when she asked him about it? At that point, MW had just tried to trick him into killing Cameron. He was prepared to shoot her that afternoon as she fled the scene. This momentous point in her history that is the basis for her vendetta against Cameron is hardly even a blip in Jonathan’s memory. I think she’s hands down crazy, and not the kind that would be fixed with therapy and some going prescription drugs. I think she is her mother’s daughter, she wants the money that Alistair hid and presumably Sebastian has been adding to over the years and she’s now found a way to simultaneously hurt Cameron and get access to it. 

Whew. That looks like a lot of griping. I suppose it technically is, but you know what? I love Johnny and I love Cameron, and people can pry the head canon that Jonathan is trying to beat MW at her own game from my cold, dead hands. 

[jeremystrele]

The Show Must Go On, With Photographer Sarah Collins And Family

The Show Must Go On, With Photographer Sarah Collins And Family

Family

by Sally Tabart

Photographer and performer Sarah Collins and actor and TV writer Justin Kennedy, with their daughters Polly (6) and Daisy (1). Photo – Zoe Eley.

Sarah and Polly in their gorgeous garden. Photo – Zoe Eley.

Hanging out on a beautiful day in the garden. Photo – Zoe Eley.

The family live in Victoria’s Dandenong Ranges. Photo – Zoe Eley.

Baby Daisy was born in the height of lockdown in 2020. Photo – Zoe Eley.

Polly is a born entertainer! Photo – Zoe Eley.

‘Polly adores her little sister so much and Daisy thinks Polly is a total rockstar’, says Sarah. Photo – Zoe Eley.

Polly and Justin having a kick in the back yard. Photo – Zoe Eley.

The family love their life in the hills. Photo – Zoe Eley.

‘If we take Daisy out of the house she looks as though her mind is being constantly blown’, says Sarah. Photo – Zoe Eley.

Patting the chickens. Photo – Zoe Eley.

Justin and Polly. Photo – Zoe Eley.

Daisy exploring the garden. Photo – Zoe Eley.

Photo – Zoe Eley.

Polly getting her cowgirl on! Photo – Zoe Eley.

Polly exploring the garden. Photo – Zoe Eley.

Justin and Sarah, who first met while judging an improv comedy show! Photo – Zoe Eley.

Photographer and performer Sarah Collins and her husband, actor and TV writer Justin Kennedy, have one of the best ‘meet cute’ stories of all time.

There was a Hairhouse Warehouse commercial on air around 2006, and Sarah became inexplicably captivated with its starring character dubbed the ‘freaky bald guy’ (Justin!). ‘I was living by myself at the time, and if the ad came on and I was in another room, I would literally race through my apartment to get to the TV’ Sarah recalls. ‘I thought the freaky bald guy was the funniest person I’d ever seen in my life. I would think about him constantly.’

In a completely random coincidence, a year later the pair ended up judging an improv comedy TV show together (although she didn’t clock him then) and randomly bumping into each other at a party shortly after. It wasn’t until they eventually went on a date that Sarah figured out that her new beau Justin was, in fact, the ‘freaky bald guy’ from the Hairhouse Warehouse commercial she had been so obsessed with! And the rest, as they say, is history.

Sarah and Justin are now married and have two daughters – Polly (6) and Daisy (1). Daisy was born during the height of lockdown in 2020, and Polly has experienced her first year of schooling almost completely through a screen. They’ve been through the full spectrum of pandemic parenting highs and lows.

But despite all the scary stuff,  Sarah, Justin and their two girls are making it work, mostly by making each other laugh. This is a family of born performers – and after all, the show must go on!

hey Sarah! Your second baby, Daisy, was born during the pandemic. What has her first year been like?

Sarah: Well, it’s basically been a massive sociological experiment. I think all babies born in the lockdowns need to be studied. Will they have better attachment because the parent-child dyad has been unbroken for the better part of two years? Will they have more anxiety? Less? It’s so fascinating.

For the most part it’s been hugely positive. No one ever came up to me in the grocery store asking to rub my pregnant belly. I got very little unsolicited advice from strangers.

At the hospital, all the midwives were saying there were better breastfeeding rates because parents weren’t trying to navigate loads of family members coming in to see the baby. They were saying it had been so positive to the experience new parents were having.

If we take Daisy out of the house she looks as though her mind is being constantly blown. People comment on it. She looks at other humans like they’re the biggest novelty because she’s very rarely seen ones other than us.

In lockdown I’ve had no in-person family support or babysitting, but because Justin has been home this entire time I’ve felt so supported. When we had Polly he was head writer of The Project so he would spend the morning with Polly but not be home until 8.30pm. He worked Sundays too. He was such an attentive dad when he was home, but he was absent for a lot of milestones. With Daisy, because he’s working from home, I’ve been able to call out to him to come see when she crawled for the first time or started waving.

Polly and Daisy are around 6 years apart. What does she think of Daisy?

They are nearly 6 years apart and it has been an amazing age gap for us. There is no jealousy because they have literally nothing in common. Polly adores her little sister so much and Daisy thinks Polly is a total rockstar.

It took us 2.5 years to have Daisy and we nearly gave up trying because we felt the age gap was getting so large. Now I cannot believe how much of a blessing it’s been. Daisy has kept Polly engaged all lockdown with her development, and Polly adores reading and singing to Daisy and making her laugh. They’re such sweet little buddies.

What kind of kid is Polly? How has everything that has gone down over the last couple of years affected her?

Wow. That is a huge question.

Polly is like a supernova. By the time she was two she was already the most interesting person I’d ever met. She was that kid freaking out the the educators at daycare with her oracle insights. She has an immense inner world and seems to know things long before she logically should.

In a five minute period she’ll ask questions about anything from Harriet Tubman and slavery, to Marie Antoinette and the Boston Tea Party. She’s morbidly into celebrity deaths and constantly gets me to check how various people she’s interested in have died.

At times it’s hard to believe she’s 6. She calls BS on so much stuff adults say and do and doesn’t suffer fools. She’s both totally cynical and yet spent most of 2020 pretending to be a horse. You can’t argue with her. If you tell her to go to bed she’ll just point blank tell you she’s a cowgirl and needs to stay up late to stargaze. We’ve learned you can’t easily negotiate with cowgirls.

This also means she can be highly anxious and her brain is so busy she can get really overwhelmed. She started having nightmares after Daisy was born that were so debilitating she couldn’t go anywhere in the house without us. She was so worried something would happen to Daisy. It was both the most heartwarming and horrendous thing to witness as a parent.

How has homeschooling gone for you guys?

Teaching Polly through the pandemic has been tricky to navigate, because she absolutely loathes learning through the screen. During term three it was getting progressively harder to hold her attention and I was pleading with her to at least give her teachers some respect and honour the work and time they were putting in, but she would sit in front of the screen for five minutes then walk away.

Then I had this big realisation: She is learning all by herself constantly. She’s such a good learner! She might be walking away from the screen, but then she’s asking about the Great Fire of London and researching how Harry Houdini died – who cares if she hates subitising?!

We’re just letting her do her thing and watching on in awe and fascination for the most part, with support where she needs it.

You’ve talked a little on social media about how the Pandemic has really affected your household financially. Things got a little scary for you guys last year, with your incomes so greatly impacted. Can you tell us a little about that?

It was an absolute perfect storm.

I discovered I was pregnant in early January 2020, right as this thing called Coronavirus was in its infancy. Because of morning sickness I had to stop the majority of my photography work earlier than expected. I had started up a pretty successful Airbnb that we ran out of our home, but once things started ramping up with the virus, we cancelled all our upcoming reservations. At the time everyone was quite shocked because they didn’t think it was that serious.

Of course we know what happened then… we never reopened and I never went back to work.

Once the Government assistance packages kicked in, I wasn’t eligible for Job Keeper and wasn’t able to do Job Seeker because I was so ill, but also worried about getting the virus while pregnant. Then, despite the fact that you pay tax, Airbnb’s don’t count as real work, so I wasn’t able to claim for that. My days turned into being a full time sick, tired, pregnant lady/mum/kinder educator to Polly.

In 2020, the filming schedules for Justin’s work changed and he had a 6 month gap between shows which had never happened before. We lived off our savings and he began to re-skill, teaching himself how to do SEO work. He received Job Seeker for a short while too, but it was barely enough to make a dent in our outgoings. We began realising things were only going to get worse, and would most likely have to sell the house. We were looking to possibly move back to Toowoomba (my hometown) until things calmed down, or renting in Melbourne for a while.

Once Daisy was born we thought we could get the parental leave payment, but her birth certificate didn’t arrive for 8 months (the Registry of Births Deaths and Marriages closed its offices completely throughout the pandemic) and so that was another stress. Our parenting payment finally came through last week after 12 long months of waiting!

Despite everything though, we feel genuinely lucky because despite huge pockets where neither of us was working, we were able to just scrape by (some days by the skin of our teeth).

Another thing you speak about a lot is the ongoing challenges for the entertainment industry as a result of the pandemic. Can you explain a little more about this impact, and how it makes you feel as both a part of this community, and also as a parent?

Well, you know that old adage about parents not wanting their kids to go into performing arts? For the first time in my life, that is finally making sense.

Seeing other friends rehearse show after show and have them literally all close before they’d even opened was, and still is, completely shocking and heartbreaking.

There is no assistance on offer to the smaller productions and artists in general, but shockingly who knows how many of our seasoned artists Australia will lose because of this? And who is to say that when we finally do get to go back that it will even be sustainable? The insurance will be an absolute nightmare. At the other end of the scale, how many school leavers will choose not to pursue performing arts, because… why would you? HOW could you?

I would love to say the future looks bright, but there is a cost to all of this. As a parent I feel so deeply sad at the cultural cost to our children as they grow up without seeing their experiences reflected back at them.

And I’m just so sad for any kid who had hoped to go to performing arts school and will be robbed of the opportunity to be a cherry blossom in a rehearsal room for three hours a day like I did. Those were really good days. And really good things come out of pretending to be a cherry blossom.

What brings you joy, and what are you hopeful for?

Our beautiful hills life brings me so much joy. The trees, the fresh air, the parrots and cockatoos. Justin and I are also loving seeing what fun things Daisy finds to put on her head. Today it was undies, followed by pants then a Christmas ornament. 

Honestly the next generation gives us so much hope. Have you met them? They’re awesome.

Kallista in the early springtime. Photo – Zoe Eley.

FAMILY FAVOURITES

Family outing?

We love love love visiting shops in our incredible hills community. Nat at The Patch Store, Josephine who runs Kallista Cellars, Mirakye at Epoche and Jo at Clementine By Design. All of them have known our children from birth, and they are the aunties to so many children and families in our community.

Restaurant or cafe?

Bam Bam Italian – it’s the favourite restaurant of every child in the hills. 

Go-to album or playlist?

Because Polly chooses the music so often (thanks Alexa) we’ve been stuck on a heavy rotation of Hamilton, Trolls 2, Vivo and Hamilton. 

Sunday ritual?

Now that picnics are allowed, we go and see Justin’s mum in a park on the cusp of both our 10km radiuses. After months of not seeing each other it’s something we will never take for granted again.

And we always get Pizza from Mad Raven in Kallista. Like, it’s a non-negotiable. We’ve eaten it every weekend for a decade haha. Best pizza in the world.

Follow along with Sarah’s family here and check out her beautiful photography work here! 

[buzzdixonwriter]

“Fire & Forget” Theology

About a month ago I posted the following link on a Facebook page administrated by mi amigo Art Greenhaw.  Art liked this clip of Ron Austin, a retired screenwriter and TV director, speaking to a Dominican gathering earlier this summer and asked my opinion on it in the context of his Facebook page’s theme, Methodist Renewal: Reversing the Decline.

Well, I tried. 

Really.

I put a lot of serious thought into it, and since I couldn’t see how to fix current problems without addressing some systemic issues going waaaaaaaaay back, I decided to include a brief overview of how we got to where we are today, and by that point I was at the 1,400+ word mark and I still hadn’t addressed the main issue that Art wanted to me address.

But in the meantime, reality happened.

Reality in the form of Roy Moore and far too many evangelicals normalizing his behavior and in celebrities and politicians on both sides of the aisle being revealed as amoral sexual predators and other politicians being willing to lie and various religious leaders overlooking the sins of their own and pundits defending the indefensible bad behavior of those who benefited their ideological POV, and I realized my previous lengthy response was now rendered null and void by a rapidly changing cultural environment so I’m going to cut through all the BS and get straight to the core issue of what Christian churches and denominations should do right now, today, this instant:

Shut it down.

Mind you, this is a far more optimistic and restrained improvement over my original version:  Burn it down.

But the frank, ugly, brutal yet irrefutable truth is this:  American Christianity as a movement is over, and whatever Christian movement replaces it, it’s not going to be church as usual.

Period.

Full stop.

Now, I know this will dismay a lot of people who love their local churches and their denominations, but I am not the sort of person to offer a criticism without offering a solution as well.

So bear with me, we’ll get to the religious / spiritual / theological issues in a moment, right now let’s discuss what to do with the organizations that exist today under the Christian banner.

Turn them into chautauquas.

No, seriously -- bear me out!

Chautauquas would satisfy almost all the needs and functions offered by churches today. 

For those unfamiliar with the term “chautauqua”, they were old fashioned tent shows that traveled the US, offering cultural / educational / inspirational lectures and entertainment to folks in the hinterlands.  Elvis made a movie about them -- The Trouble With Girls (And How To Get Into It) -- and while it isn’t very good movie even for Elvis, it does paint a vivid and mostly accurate picture of what the chautauqua experience was like.  (And how many Elvis movies have Vincent Price and John Carradine in them, hmm?)

By turning churches into chautauquas, the local / neighborhood congregation would become a social magnet for the community, offering inspirational lectures and classes and scouting and public service events, but stripped of all specific American Christian content.  The larger denominations would turn into networks of speakers and performers to supply programing for the local meeting halls, providing administrative and logistical support.

Denominational institutions such as hospitals, orphanages, soup kitchens, etc., would continue as tax exempt secular charities.

The local chautauqua would operate seven days a week, with numerous classes and lectures for all ages and interests, some supplied by local staff, some by local volunteers, some by the various former denominational networks, some by itinerant freelancers.

All lectures and performances and presentations and events would be dedicated to uplifting their audiences, encouraging integrity, tolerance, compassion, honesty, and charity. 

Jesus would not be banned from the chautauquas -- a lecture on the Beatitudes would be a fine thing for all audiences, believers or not -- but other philosophical and spiritual leaders would be taught as well.

There could even be Bible classes…for adults only.

Because you see, the way in which American Christianity has presented the Bible is a YUGE hunk of the problem we’re having today, and arguably the number one contributing factor into the implosion of American Christianity.

I do not believe we should be teaching the Bible to little children, certainly not to anyone under the age of 12, and we should only teach the Bible to those who want to understand it fully.

We cram little kids into a Sunday school class, tell them fairy tales -- and that’s how they’re processing the dumbed down Bible stories we’re feeding them -- and end up creating false impressions in their minds of what those stories mean in proper context.

We give them crayons to color in a big bright rainbow over the ark, let them glue cotton bolls over the sheep gamboling down the plank, put glitter on Noah standing there with a big smile plastered over his face that God spared him and his family…

And we never really take them past that point, do we?

Our entire approach to the Bible is kept at that dumbed-down-and-not-at-all-accurate first depiction.  When they become adults, the lesson plans and sermons don’t deviate much from that initial image that completely belies the meaning of the flood story, that completely ignores the complexity and the contradictions of Noah and his behavior.

We argue we do that out of deference to visitors who may not be familiar with the Bible, or to keep from confusing young kids in church with a more thorough study, but a story told badly should not be told at all, and the messages we should derive from Bible study have to first fight their way past a morass of misconceptions that have been carefully hammered down on us for years.

So, no, no Bible stories for anybody under the age of 12.  Teach ‘em Christ’s parables, those are okay:  Little bite size tales that vividly illustrate and illuminate a specific moral or spiritual point, but please stop trying to hammer the Bible into their heads.

It only warps and distorts them.

(The Bible stories, that is; not their heads.)

I recognize that due to varying methods of organization it will be more difficult for some churches and denominations to reorganize into chautauquas -- the process will be more than simply changing letterheads and signage -- but it can be done.

Because the alternative is that they go out of business.

I want to focus on that word:  Business. 

Let’s not mince words:  American Christianity is a business.  It provides a living for tens of thousands of people.  It has income, it has expenses.  It has a house nut to meet.  There are gas and electric and water bills to pay, insurance to cover, salaries to be met, etc., etc., and of course, etc.

Whatever the ostensible purpose of this business, it’s a business.

Americans like business, and while it’s absolutely true that the business model of Christianity originated thousands of years ago in Europe (and to be fair, all the major religions are run like businesses, going back to the paganism of ancient Greece and the polytheism of ancient Egypt), this business model has distorted, diminished, then discarded the gospel of Christ.

Christ’s message was not how to make a buck.  (Yeah, prosperity gospel shills are quick to point to the parable of the talents, etc., but tap dance around the far more numerous admonitions that rich people will go to hell.)

Christ’s message was not about how to achieve and maintain power.  (Christ did not care about specific institutions and governments; he wanted his followers to live and act justly no matter what system they were in or under.)

Christ’s message was about how to live righteously in an unrighteous world.

There’s an old Jewish legend of the Tzadikim Nistarim, the 36 righteous people who stave off the day of judgment simply by being in the world.

The legend is emphatic that these righteous people need not be Jews, or for that matter even particularly devout or religious.

They just have to be righteous, and by their mere presence in the world, the world is saved.

Metaphorically, that is what Christ was teaching us to be.

Yeah, he had a lot of teachings on heaven and hell, but he crafted his message for his audience so that they would grasp his teachings at their level of understanding.

They were anxious about their future; Christ taught, “Don’t be anxious.  Your Father in heaven loves you.  Love one another as He loves you.”

American Christianity teaches:  “Be anxious.  God doesn’t love you unless you do what we say.  Obey our rules and you’ll go to heaven.”

That’s the business of American Christianity speaking.  A business that needs repeat customers to keep the coffers filled.

You cannot serve God and Mammon.

Becoming a Christian is like learning to ride a bicycle.

Once you learn, you just ride the bicycle.

You don’t keep coming back to take the same lessons over and over and over and over again.

Christ taught a “fire & forget” theology. 

“Fire & forget” is a military term for self-guided weapons that, once locked in on a target, can be fired and trusted to find and destroy the target on their own, without direct control from the person who launched it.

The lone wolf terrorists of various ideologies operate on the same principle.  The ideologies radicalize them, encourage them, spur them on, but don’t actually provide logistical or tell them what to attack.

Having absorbed the message, they go and act on their own.

Followers of Christ should operate on the same principle -- though obviously for the sake of righteousness, not hate and terror.

Once we have the gospel of Christ -- the good news -- we don’t need any organization to guide us.

We will not act unrighteously.

We will not willfully harm others.

We will not let others suffer if we can help.

We will not worry about the day, but have faith.

We will be the light of the world, the salt of the earth.