#theyoungnova

[inkxlenses]

What are the bravest things that you did?

1. Beat clinical depression- It was the lowest and darkest period of my life. I am SO proud of myself for not giving up, but instead had made a difficult decision to seek professional help after excessive deliberation, stubbornness, apathy, and lack of motivation (and nihilism, dammit). Yeah of course at present there would still be days when I would be upset or stressed about something, but they are nothing compared to what I had been through. (And sometimes I realize that those things just occurred during *those days in that time of the month*—you know what I mean haha). Thus, I always tell myself that if I could get beat my depression into a pulp, I could always get over my *monthly existential crises*. It was also after that dark chapter of my life that I joined a community committed to help people who are going through various difficulties in life (e.g. depression, anxiety, abuse, terminal illness, grief, etc). The stigma for mental health conditions are appalling even coming from professionals, and the discrimination these people experience could make their situations worse and make it harder for them to recover, thus, it was something that I truly want to advocate for. It was an absolutely rewarding feeling to know that I can help those people who are usually ignored and/or lack the courage to tell someone of their troubles, so they seek a somewhat unconventional support. Uhm yeah I’m lighting up the mood here, but I don’t need to elaborate how *dark* that chapter of my life was because I don’t want to look back. Instead, I look forward to all the great opportunities life has in store for me. I only need the courage to seize them.

2. Performed in a crowd (..in a foreign land)- As I was in the process of recovering, I decided to stay with my cousin, Akiko, in Ginza to get away from my normal environment and routine; kinda like my way to “revive” my natural enthusiasm in life. She loooooooves to perform in Harajuku, which if you are familiar with, is one of the havens for performers in Tokyo. One time she invited me to her band’s performances and had successfully persuaded me to sing in front of a crowd. This might be something trivial for someone who lives their life in the stage, but I am not like that. I had to pluck up my courage and face my fears. It really was a “dividing and conquering” moment for me because I finally realized that indeed, I am gradually recovering. And from that point in time, not only had I come out of my shell by performing in front of an audience (as I am NOT a singer at all), but for me it was also the moment when I made a conscious decision that I would always try to overcome and leave my irrational fears in the past. I was inspired to do my best to not be easily overwhelmed by people and the external world ever again. I was, in that moment, fearless and had embraced the beauty of the realization that I need not be afraid because I am a survivor.

(Hmm. I don’t really know if anyone else would be interested to read this aside from theyoungnova. What I’ve written under the line is a bit personal, so you might just want to ignore this post if you’re not comfortable to read drama™. And mate, it’s just embarrassingly long..)

3. Stood up to take control of my life- I’ve spent majority of my life submitting to the demands of an extremely toxic and abusive parent. I was pressured—to the point of being literally threatened—to pursue something she wants for me, and not what I want for myself. Eventually, I had “negotiated” something but I was still forced to yield to her initial demand. She never cared for what I want and had my dream completely dismissed because according to her “It would not be lucrative. It was impractical. I would be a shock-absorber. It would be emotionally draining blah blah blah”. I was always forced to comply and had always felt as if I was “regulated” to conform into their wishes, otherwise the consequences would be detrimental––traumatic, even. I didn’t have a voice. But then, recovering from depression was really the defining moment of my life because I learned that I need to stand up, take a risk and control my life. I know it looks completely absurd for someone to be almost in their late twenties, yet still somehow be “controlled” in their major life decisions. But guess what, you’re lucky you’ve never met my mum. I never was and never will be a defiant daughter, in spite of all the traumatizing things she did, but nowadays it’s like I stealthily make my plans unbeknownst to them. *diabolical laughter* She’s a tad better™ now, but you know.. whatevs. I also have a very supportive partner, my favourite brother, wonderful (but maniacal at times) bestfriends and my dad’s support, so I’m a step closer to my “calling in life”. Yeah I know that sounds cheesy haha

(Hmm. I’m still contemplating if I should edit something because what I just shared was something very personal to me. And I don’t want to be a sob story here.)

4. Said goodbye to someone I greatly admired- Last year, I was truly humbled by the chance to get to know perhaps the smartest person I’ve ever met: my long-lost uncle. (My mum’s family has a lot of drama™ I tellsssss you haha) He was the most accomplished real polymath AND polyglot I’ve ever met. But what made me admire him the most was his various interests and expertise in different disciplines, and his drive to continue learning (and he was so into conspiracy theories, the occult and esoterica as well BAHAHA). He had hundreds of books in his library (and those were just in his home in SG); he rarely read fiction—this person was truly passionate to learn, educate himself and master his craft. He was the first older person that I’ve met who hadn’t shrugged off at my inquisitiveness, my quirkiness, my incessant questions, but instead had attentively listened to my ramblings. He told me to never stop questioning things, and to always probe and seek answers for my curiosities. Sadly, he was terminally ill and he passed away a few months after :( But I know that the time you spend with someone is irrelevant to the bond you’ve built with them. I would always treasure our intelligent conversations because I’d learned so much from him.

I recall having this convo with my mum shortly after he died, and how she told me that my uncle’s life was really sad because he was estranged from them. He never married and had only reunited with his family when he’s already ill. I disagreed with her because for me, he truly was a testament that you could be extremely successful even if you hadn’t conformed to society’s definition of “what a truly lived life is”. (For instance, why is it that marriage seems to be the culmination of one’s happiness? EH?). Yes, he was successful™ on the very essence of society’s definition of what success™ is: financially stable, accumulated material possessions, etc. But for me he was successful not because of his riches, but because he chased his dreams, he explored what is out there in the world, and he never stopped learning. He didn’t have to have this classic Machiavellian conviction, nor had the need to trample anybody to reach his zenith. I seriously still couldn’t figure out how he managed to accomplish so SO much, had the time to travel around the world, and had read countless of books in his life. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, “It doesn’t matter what success means to you as long as you are genuinely happy about your life, you are productive in your own way and you are continually improving yourself, you are touching other people’s lives, and more importantly, you are doing these things to achieve your personal goals and not just to impress other people. Do what you want to do with your life because success–more than anything else–is about personal contentment.” Yes, I was heartbroken when I had to say goodbye to him, but I was even more dedicated to chase my dreams because he inspired me to.

5. Skydive- My first (of I hope many) skydiving experience was in North London Skydiving Centre and it was one of the most exhilarating moments of my life. I have this fear of heights and I’m not an adrenaline junkie, but I’m always up for anything exciting and adventurous, so I was very glad that I was able to experience it. I can’t wait to do it again in somewhere more dangerous xD

[clothestop]

What are the bravest things that you did?

1. Beat clinical depression- It was the lowest and darkest moment of my life. I am SO proud of myself for not giving up, but instead had made a difficult decision to seek professional help after excessive deliberation, stubbornness, apathy, and lack of motivation (and nihilism, dammit). Yeah of course at present there would still be days when I would be upset or stressed about something, but they are nothing compared to what I had been through. (And sometimes I realize that those things just occurred during *those days in that time of the month*—you know what I mean haha). Thus, I always tell myself that if I could get beat my depression into a pulp, I could always get over my *monthly existential crises*. It was also after that dark chapter of my life that I joined a community committed to help people who are going through various difficulties in life (e.g. depression, anxiety, abuse, terminal illness, grief, etc). The stigma for mental health conditions are appalling even coming from professionals, and the discrimination these people experience could make their situations worse and make it harder for them to recover, thus, it was something that I truly want to advocate for. Hence, it was an absolutely rewarding feeling to know that I can help those people who are usually ignored and/or lack the courage to tell someone of their troubles, thus, they seek a somewhat unconventional support. So yeah I’m lighting up the mood here, but I don’t need to elaborate how *dark* that chapter of my life was because I don’t want to look back. Instead, I look forward to all the great opportunities life has in store for me. I only need the courage to seize them.

2. Performed in a crowd (..in a foreign land)- As I was in the process of recovering, I decided to stay with my cousin, Akiko, in Ginza to get away from my normal environment and routine; kinda like my way to “revive” my natural enthusiasm in life. She loooooooves to perform in Harajuku, which if you are familiar with, is one of the havens for performers in Tokyo. One time she invited me to her band’s performances and had successfully persuaded me to sing in front of a crowd. This might be something trivial for someone who lives their life in the stage, but I am not like that. I had to pluck up my courage and face my fears. It really was a “dividing and conquering” moment for me because I finally realized that indeed, I am gradually recovering. And from that point in time, not only had I come out of my shell by performing in front of an audience (as I am NOT a singer at all), but for me it was also the moment when I made a conscious decision that I would always try to overcome and leave my irrational fears in the past. I was inspired to do my best to not be easily overwhelmed by people and the external world ever again. I was, in that moment, fearless and had embraced the beauty of the realization that I need not be afraid because I am a survivor.

(Hmm. I don’t really know if anyone else would be interested to read this aside from theyoungnova. What is written under the line is a bit personal, so you might just want to ignore this post if you’re not comfortable to read drama™. And mate, it’s just embarrassingly long..)

3. Stood up to take control of my life- I’ve spent majority of my life submitting to an extremely toxic and abusive parent’s demands. I was pressured—to the point of being literally threatened—to pursue something she wants for me, and not what I want for myself. Eventually, I had “negotiated” something but I was still forced to yield to her initial demand. She never cared for what I want and had my dream completely dismissed because according to her “It would not be lucrative. It was impractical. I would be a shock-absorber. It would be emotionally draining blah blah blah”. I was always forced to comply and had always felt as if I was “regulated” to conform into their wishes, otherwise the consequences would be detrimental––traumatic, even. I didn’t have a voice. But then, recovering from depression was really the defining moment of my life because I learned that I need to stand up, take a risk and control my life. I know it looks completely absurd for someone to be almost in their late twenties, yet still somehow be “controlled” in their major life decisions. But guess what, you’re lucky you’ve never met my mum. I never was and never will be a defiant daughter, in spite of all the traumatizing things she did, but nowadays it’s like I stealthily make my plans unbeknownst to them. *diabolical laughter* She’s a tad better™ now, but you know.. whatevs. I also have a very supportive partner, my favourite brother, wonderful (but maniacal at times) bestfriends and my dad’s support, so I’m a step closer to my “calling in life”. Yeah I know that sounds cheesy haha

(Hmm. I’m still contemplating if I should edit something because what I just shared was something very personal to me. And I don’t want to be a sob story here.)

4. Said goodbye to someone I greatly admired- Last year, I was truly humbled by the chance to get to know perhaps the smartest person I’ve ever met: my long-lost uncle. (My mum’s family has a lot of drama™ I tellsssss you haha) He was the most accomplished real polymath AND polyglot I’ve ever met. But what made me admire him the most was his various interests and expertise in different disciplines, and his drive to continue learning (He was so into conspiracy theories, the occult and esoterica as well BAHAHA). He had hundreds of books in his library (and those were just his in his home in SG); he rarely read fiction—this person was truly passionate to learn, educate himself and master his craft. He was the first older person that I’ve met who hadn’t shrugged off at my inquisitiveness, my quirkiness, my incessant questions, but instead had attentively listened to my ramblings. He told me to never stop questioning things, and to always probe and seek answers for my curiosities. Sadly, he was terminally ill and he passed away a few months after :( But I know that the time you spend with someone is irrelevant to the bond you’ve built with them. I would always treasure our intelligent conversations because I’d learned so much from him.

I recall having this convo with my mum shortly after he died, and how she told me that my uncle’s life was really sad because he was estranged from them. He never married and had only reunited with his family when he’s already ill. I disagreed with her because for me, he truly was a testament that you could be extremely successful even if you hadn’t conformed to society’s definition of “what a truly lived life is”. (For instance, why is it that marriage seems to be the culmination of one’s happiness? EH?). Yes, he was successful™ on the very essence of society’s definition of what success™ is: financially stable, accumulated material possessions, etc. But for me he was successful not because of his riches, but because he chased his dreams, he explored what is out there in the world, and he never stopped learning. He didn’t have to have this classic Machiavellian conviction, nor didn’t have the need to trample anybody to reach his zenith. I seriously still couldn’t figure out how he managed to accomplish so SO much, had the time to travel around the world, and had read countless of books in his life. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, “It doesn’t matter what success means to you as long as you are genuinely happy about your life, you are productive in your own way and you are continually improving yourself, you are touching other people’s lives, and more importantly, you are doing these things to achieve your personal goals and not just to impress other people. Do what you want to do with your life because success––more than anything else–is about personal contentment.” Yes, I was heartbroken when I had to say goodbye to him, but I was even more dedicated to chase my dreams because he inspired me to.

5. Skydive- My first (of I hope many) skydiving experience was in North London Skydiving Centre and it was one of the most exhilarating moments of my life. I have this fear of heights and I’m not an adrenaline junkie, but I’m always up for anything exciting and adventurous, so I was so glad that I was able to experience it. I can’t wait to do it again in somewhere more dangerous xD