#theyre like oh so pronouns.......dont equal gender?????

[tailss]

being the only trans person in your friend group be like: *asks friend to stop using slur* *explains why they shouldnt* *argues for ten minutes about why you should not support transphobes* *explains why they shouldnt* *asks friend to stop using slur* *tries to be nice about it* *uses yourself as example* *argues for ten minutes about why you shouldn’t use slur* *asks friend to stop using slur* 

[tumblunni]

Okay..uhh..man i dont even know what pronouns to use for this character

Like the few posts in their tag call them nonbinary? But it seems thats just because of that one line saying "gender is stupid" which was literally in response to someone saying "stop dressing like a girl, youre a boy". And like every single artwork of this character everywhere forever shows her dressed incredibly feminine and like.. Calling herself a girl. And the series just treats it as "quirky gay man who's lol sooooo gay that he crossdresses all the time" and seriously everyone else seems to call her a man and she calls herslf a girl? Like this really doenst seem like a nonbinary character this seems like an old manga with a poor understanding of trans people that was using kind of offensive language to refer to a trans woman and like.. Now just looking back on it through a a modern lens we'd say it seems like how we talk about nonbinary people.

Cos i mean seriously man this is just a girl who always dresses as a girl and calls herself a girl and loves girly stuff and its just meant to be somehow 'comical' because she's uhh..well..clearly flat chested and the manga makes it clear she was "born a man". And seriously wtf is up with this "comical" slant to all of it?? Like im glad to see trans rep and i understand that its so flawed because its a really ahead of its time bit of representation that was made in a time when bigotry was a lot more overwhelming and LGBT equality had made less strides. But still it seems so weird that even if they think of this character as "a gay man who likes to crossdress" then they'd be portraying "him" as a joke when they'd had other positive gay characters before. And like its not even outright "eww trans women" or anythingits just like they draw her SO exaggerated when she shows her crush on Toya and then he's drawn all..comically disgusted? And everyone is all shocked? And it was really confusing for the first chapter before they had a character staye that she was DMAB cos seriousky it just looked like everyone being weird to this girl for no reason.

And then just.. THERE'S A REALLY WEIRD UNDERTONE HERE

Like i wondered why on earth Toya's crush on Yukito was played so understated and never allowed to be outright confirmed even though its clearly canon and they were able to show Syaoran having a crush on literally the same guy before.

But seriously its starting to become WEIRD in regards to that! Like Ruby Moon is telling Yukito "i'll steal him away if you dont want him" so hey yes confirmation that it IS fuckin canon and they JUST WONT SAY IT. and then they have this really weird dance around conversation where toya is all "ugh gasp you're a-" and like he's...uncomfortabke with her being "a man" (SHE'S NOT A MAN DAMMIT) and she's like "but yukito is also" [suspicious gap in dialogue] "and you" [suspicious gap in dialogue] "him". Its all fuckin weird how much theyre dancing around saying the word gay or even saying a man loves a man yet they SAID IT BEFORE FOR SYAORAN! And then the dancibg around LGBT terms was actually used kinda cleverly here cos it could also mean "yes i'm a clow card and yukito is also not human". And probably the writers could point to that as reasonable denial if anyone accused them of writing a trans woman, i guess...

And uhh.. Yeah.. I think i get why these two situations are considered "different" by the writers.there was just a whole fuckin chapter about Syaoran realizing that her REALLY loves sakura and he only mistook his feelings for a crush on another boy because something something sensing subconciously that yukito had magic in him. And now its presented as CHARACTER GROWTH that he gives up on yukito and goes and has a straight relationship instead. And at the same time in the same chapter Tomoyo also decides to give up on her crush on Sakura WITHOUT EVER EVEN TELLING HER OR TRYING TO SEE IF SHE FEELS THE SAME WAY because she just thinks sakura will be happier witj syaoran. And this is meant to be noble and again be character development. And then looking back we had that whole plot of tomoyo's mom having a crush on sakura's mom and it being played all comical?? And her accusing sakura's dad of being a cradle robber and horrid for LITERALLY FUCKING HIS UNDERAGE STUDENT AND SHE DROPPED OUT OF SCHOOL TO MARRY HIM was again played for 'comedy' and she 'learns her lessonc that he's really a good guy and everything is fine.

So..yeah. It seems like a bit of an undercurrent of "gay crushes are a thing for children that you grow out of". Cos seriously the way they play the "comedy" on these older characters is like.. Infantalizing them? Tomoyo's mom is meant to be seen as immature and overreacting. And sakura's mom of course 'grew up' and got a 'real relationship'...

Or like i dunno maybe this was all an accidental implication caused by writers who just didnt realize what itd look like when they make EVERY SINGLE QUEER CHARACTER LOSE THE LOVE TRIANGLE and also refuse to actually confirm the one singular potential actually happy, healthy and recipricated gay pairing.

Also calling a trans woman a man and making everyone act grossed out by her expressing interest in her and making it all so confusing that even actual LGBT people dont really know what to make of it...

And then like there's also some bit where they say "oh well clow card guardians dont actually have gender", by which they mean "biological sex" cos i mean clearly they have genders! And why would "having no biological sex" give them ALL THE BODIES OF MEN??? Like seriously why would "cannot reproduce" mean "male by default"? Why would one of these "genderless" creatures make fun of one of the others for choosing to be female if none of them were born aligned to either of the human reproductive categories in the first place? Like its not "ha why are you being female, we dont have genders" its "why are you NOT BEING A MAN, we dont have genders". That makes no sense!! Also double wtf cos like 90% of all the clow cards look feminine and even half of the ones who don't still use female pronouns and get listed as female in the profiles. Like yes, all of them are drawn flat chested or with barbie doll anatomy but that doesnt make them "men by default"! And nobody's ever mentioned this before, we havent had kero-chan being all "ugh this is the DEVIANT Windy card that PRETENDS to be a girl" or anything. Seriously i cant get over the fact that its her straight up sibling guardian who's the one who makes fun of her for wearing a girls uniform. You are a goddamn talking panther!! What do you care about human cissexism!!

I dunno man the whole thing's got me a bit grumpled.

Also they continue dojng the damn nasty "romance" between a 35 year old teacher and a ten year old girl IN A MANGA AIMED AT TEN YEAR OLD GIRLS, and its presented all wholesome and life goalsy with no criticism whatsoever. Its been getting even creepier and it fuckin STARTED with him giving her a wedding ring! Now theyre really drawing attention to how young she is cos she sews a makeshift teddy bear for him and gives it to him as a good luck charm thatll make their love last. Gahhhhhh

[flamewyrmz]

a late night rant from twitter im putting in one place, because its a trainwreck of several threads there. mostly copy/paste and still not proofread, but a collection of thoughts on gender, sexuality, personal identity, and love and support within the lgbtq community. i do really lay myself bare here so id like to ask that if you disagree or have criticism you do so respectfully and with that in mind, thank you <3 and if this means something to you itd mean the world to me if you shared it

dunno if ive said this here before but like. if you think you might be bi/pan but youre on the fence cos maybe youve never had a crush on a nonfictional guy or get more crushes on guys than on girls and you find yourself tied up in knots like "well im gay but im also attracted to nonbinary people unless theyre mostly woman-aligned but i dont wanna say im bi/pan because then people will think i like girls and like i like them theoretically but--" let go. just say fuck it! im bi/pan! 

try it out and if it doesnt feel right it doesnt feel right and thats fine and in the end no matter what youll have learned a little about yourself. this is actually my advice on any gender/sexuality dilemmas you might be having. go wild. try it out. see how it feels. dont feel like you have to confine yourself to something just because youve stuck with it for some amount of time. 

if youre questioning dive right into the deep end! no matter how it goes youll be a better swimmer in the end. its all not quite rigid and a little fluid anyways (for some more than others obv) so if youre unsure, man... go for it. its ok to backpedal

--

this is important advice to me because ive struggled with it multiple times in the past and this has only recently clicked and i really wish it had sooner. first it was with being... not straight in general. like i was actively dating someone of the same gender and i never considered that that meant, uh, im not straight. always "do you like boys or girl?" "uhhhhhhhhh. uh. UH" 

then with being in the range of aro/ace spect. then with being nonbinary! then with being nb but primarily male. and then goddammit im just a boy. accepting that God I Love Men And Only Men (and with it that i *wasnt* aro or ace in ANY capacity) and then, very recently (like up until a couple months ago. like im p sure this year. not 2017), going back on that and admitting i was bi. it is so so freeing to just say "fuck it" and test those waters!

hell, you find something you resonate with but looks a little silly? go for it! use those bun/buns/bunself pronouns. go with stargender! ace-flux demibiromantic? hell yeah rock that shit! it can always change and you can always decide its not right and go back! h4y dudes

--

all of that especially goes for teens who dont know what the fuck theyre doing. im only 20 yea and barely 20 at that but man i wish id heard this sooner

and please dont take that as me saying "well if youre a lesbian sexuality is fluid and maybe youre actually bi"! hell no. if youre a lesbian and you KNOW youre and lesbian and couldnt ever be anything else then rock on you funky little lesbian! but if you id as a lesbian but are teetering on something like "well im attracted to some fictional and theoretical men but not any real ones and maybe its just compulsory heterosexuality but im not sure and--" dont be afraid to try a different label. its all what feels right to you and theres absolutely no harm

--

people bash on like. """mogai genders""" and nounself pronouns and the split attraction model and all that and like. yeah! those things can hurt people! personally i struggled with the split attraction bit combined with how broadly people define the ace spectrum. it can be used to hurt. and it is used to hurt. sometimes its deliberate, sometimes its not. but the hurt is there. but its not inherently good or bad. 

and yeah, some of it sounds silly. hell, it sounds silly to me sometimes! but to some people hearing that label makes everything click into place, even if just for a little bit, and i take that very seriously. it is one of the best feelings in the world and i want as many lgbtq people (of any age) to experience it. 

for some people it feels right to zoom waaaaaaay in and section it into lots of little bits and for others its "fuck it! i dont know shit! im just queer!" and those are both equally valid (that words been thru 12 garbage disposals but i cant think of a better one) maybe you go back n forth and thats fine too! as long as youre open to it changing or being wrong it cant hurt and, like i said, its one of the best possible feelings to have it click like that

--

as an aside: being bi can *totally* mean "im attracted to men and nonbinary people are long are they arent primarily woman-aligned" or it can mean "im attracted to everyone fuck it" personally? i use bi over pan because i feel like it better encapsulates that i *do* have preferences (i say this all the time but God I Love Men) but ultimately gender doesnt really matter to me cos everyones cute and hot and generally attractive and im not leaving anyone out because im just a little more inclined to kissing boys. but thats me!

--

as Another aside: i do still to some degree identify with uhh this is gonna sound contradictory but agender boy? or more like boy agender? boygender with left none? i just dont personally feel like its worth taking the time to explain over n over. but it used to be, for me, n i dont regret that a single bit! i wouldnt regret that even if i *didnt* still feel that way in any capacity. honestly? 

i dont regret any of the ways ive identified in the past even though feeling stuck and cornered into some got a little harmful to me (and if youve gone through somethin similar and DO regret it and wish youd never heard whatever term you used thats good too. im very strongly advocating for "use whatever labels you want and if it dont fit it dont fit" here but if they did hurt you and youre still hurting about it i understand 100% just dont use it to pull others down. if it concerns you say your piece and let them decide)

--

this is personally a little hard to admit so bear with me here 

honestly? ANY sort of strong identity didnt start developing in me until i was.... 14 or so? and very slowly at that. like gender evened out around 18 and sexuality just a few months ago LMAO. but up until i was a teenager i didnt really feel much of anything re: gender or attraction (and the attraction thing is pretty normal for kids and even teens tbqh!) 

and i just.... didnt really think about it! i had This Name and apparently was a girl and i didnt really get what it was like to BE a girl but thats what people said and i didnt know there were other options so i went with it! the name didnt bother me either (except for when people made jokes about a Certain Historical Figure with the same one. just thinking about that i get tired) 

and when it came time to actually grapple with the whole concept of being *into* people i just kinda... slunk away! no joke until like 10th grade if someone started a rumor that i was dating x or y had a crush on me i would start to avoid them entirely. lost a friend in 4th grade that way but then in hs hed turned into a TOTAL DICK so no loss there. i think part of that was also people making the assumption that i was straight though? big shrug! 

i didnt even realize attraction was a thing i had until i got asked out and just kind of "oh wow??? that sounds so nice??? i feel the same??? yes??" and thats WHY i went thru varying aro/ace labels. cos it unfolded slowly (which again is totally normal if youre a teenager, so dont worry about it if youre going thru that. roll with the punches. and if youre a teen and youve got it figured out? thats totally normal too!) 

and the gender thing was similar once i learned that it was an actual possibility (especially being nb, and ESPECIALLY especially being agender) i slowly just... poked at it until i figured something out (fun fact: what set me off to finally go "fuck it im not a girl at all" was being stuck in an awful hair salon chair while my mom got a haircut that took FOREVERRRRRRRRR and i was having godawful period cramps. like i knew not being a girl wouldnt DO anything about them but i made that decision then n there n didnt look back!) 

and then i kept pokin at it and watching it like the seed id planted finally started to sprout and i realized i didnt actually know what kind of seed it WAS. i guess ive always been very nebulous in those aspects and its just now forming into something solid. like i said, its a little hard to admit and i... dont think ive actually talked about this in this depth before to, like, anyone? 

because the "oh ive always known" narrative is the only one you ever see in popular media and sometimes even from the community itself! and theres nothing wrong with having always known! but theres also nothing wrong with being like me! but i still feel a little anxious talking about it like it somehow means im a sham. 

hell, id even go so far as to say i WAS a girl as a kid! i WAS varying shades of agender and nonbinary and ???? as a teen, and i AM, like, 95% a guy right now! maybe in a few years ill be something else. none of those things contradict each other. things like that can change! its not set in stone (but like i said: for some people it is! or, like, set in slime that you left out for 5 years so now its pretty much a rock but if you really try it still squishes into something else?? none of these things invalidate the others! were all unique). 

i wouldnt say that at any point ive been cis or straight, cos even when i just went with being a girl and stuff it was always a little ??? but, yknow. even if i HAD been those things at some point it wouldnt matter to me? things just are the way they are and were the way they were

--

im making myself really vulnerable here and my thought process is a mess and i ramble and repeat myself and my memory and attention span is like 2 seconds and i dont proofread but. its important i think. i dont have a lot of followers and fewer still thatre active but... that really doesnt matter. 

maybe someone will retweet at least one of these messy, messy threads. maybe link it to a friend. maybe screenshot it and post it on tumblr [note: LMAO YEAH AND ITS YOU DUMBASS], or to keep for themself. if any of my words help anyone out even a little then it matters and honestly? then its the most important thing in the whole danged world. if even one person sees any of the things ive said tonight and it means *anything* to them, even if just "oh, im not alone in this" then ive succeeded here. 

i dont want any of us to ever feel trapped or alone because shit! lifes too fuckin short for that! its goddamn hard being anything but cisgender and straight! sometimes it sucks! like really sucks! there have been so many times ive broken down completely over being trans and felt like, for myself, its the most awful thing in the world. its why prides so important. its why community is so important. 

because even when the pressure of the world brings you down so low you think youll never escape theres something or someone there to take your hand and pull you back up, put you on your feet, and say "i know its hard. and itll get hard again. but i believe in you, and youre strong enough for this, and im here with you through every step". that goes for anyone but especially goes for us. and im not just talking about lgbtq youth here. all of us. which is *why* im laying myself completely bare here. 

most of this stuff? ive either never talked about or only vaguely mentioned. but im putting it out there. because there was a point where i needed it but didnt have it, and even if its just one person, i want to give someone this advice so at least they dont have to deal with the same stuff i did. and if youre reading this? i love you. im here for you. im my dms are always open and if for some reason they arent its almost definitely an accident and if you say something ill reopen them. 

and if youre someone who hates me? maybe even mutually? if it came down to it id let you come to me at your lowest moment, no questions asked, no judgement held, and at the end of it still be the same kind of enemies we were before and never speak again. there are some exceptions of course but honestly ill forgive a lot for someone who needs that kind of support. and if youre one of the people this applies to, i know youll probably never take me up on it. i dont expect you to. i dont expect you to even for a second be comfortable with that idea. thats fine. but if for some reason you ever need it, its there. 

i can count on one hand the ex friends that i wouldnt give that to and thats ONLY because theyve legitimately hurt me and left lasting damage (and for some of them? its mutual. and im sorry for that, regardless of how i feel about your treatment of me im truly sorry for my actions. that probably sounds fake and anyway i digress) 

and if youre a complete stranger? someone who follows me but has never interacted with anything ive posted? a mutual i havent spoken to yet? im here. and im bumbling, and awkward, and not the best at comfort but you can always come to me if you need someone. im only one man and im under a lot of stress but i swear ill do the best i can, even if its only reading and replying 3 days later and even then just listening and offer whatever gentle comfort or reassurance youll accept. 

because thats important to me. thats the impact i want to leave on this world. i dont ever want anyone to feel as small, as scared, as worthless, as alone as i have. im no fighter. im not going to lead any revolutions and hell im too anxious to even go to protests but im here for support. im here to help and heal. and thats important too

--

and if you listened to that? thank you. if you just skimmed? thank you for that too. if you shared it with someone? thank you (so much). and if you dont? thank you anyways, just for the time

just know this: i love you. i dont care who you are, if youre reading this i love you and im behind you 100%. im here if you need it. stay strong, do something that makes you smile if only for a moment. take that leap of faith. dont restrict yourself for even a second

i meant to go to bed at least two hours ago so goodnight <3 be safe, drink some water, if you have any kind of pet give it some love. take care of yourself. youre the most important person in your own world and never forget that, even if you dont think you are. even if theres something or someone you treasure above everything else. dont diminish your own worth! you are alive, and you are here, and theres nothing more important than that, really. the things you love matter more than anything else. hold them close

[cardigans-and-bowties]

While I’m making long, rambling personal posts, why not talk gender

I remember thinking that I wish I was more open on tumblr or a journal or anything about my sexuality. I think the same thing about gender... but Im still afraid to put it down somewhere to an extent. 

It’s so hard to parse through everything when youve been told for so long that you have to be a certain way. I wouldn’t say I was particularly girly growing up, save for Disney movies and loving animals - neither of which make sense to gender. I wasnt really into make-up. I was “allowed” to wear it in 6th or 7th grade but (despite being given it at holidays by certain family members) did not care for it. I wore pretty much whatever but my stepmom cared a ton about clothes and my cousin would pick on me about clothes. 

This insecurity regarding clothes and make-up has fucked a lot. There was a lot of thinking that I was ugly and bad at make-up when I did wear it. When I started wearing it regularly in high school, I’d only wear certain kinds of make-up because I thought I was just bad at doing it any other way. I was equally bad at doing it other ways - I was just used to my face looking that way. The times after high school that I’ve done make-up consistently, as much as I wanted it to be “for me”, a lot of it was feeling like people would think I was ugly or tired or like a 12 year old without it. 

Sometimes I really am feeling it. But more times, I feel like a clown. Sometimes it is nice, but a lot of the time I just end up feeling weird and ignoring it. 

A lot of the time, especially when I was younger, I really don’t know why I picked certain clothes. But I know that how I specifically looked in them was not something I had a full picture of. 

Honestly saying most of this makes me feel so fucking weird. I dissociate a lot. I was depersonalized a lot. I don’t remember a lot of what I thought about myself because I didn’t think anything about myself. Am I making shit up at that point? I am not about to go into a spiral like that. 

There was a period Sophomore/Junior year of college where I wore dresses and make-up a lot. I thought that I didn’t like wearing certain things because I thought I was fat or ugly - which maybe wasn’t entirely untrue - but I told myself that negative thoughts about my body was bad. And truth be told, at that point I looked super cute in those clothes. If I didnt think about the fact that it was me in those clothes, nothing would be wrong with it. I was thinner than I’d been (and have been since then). I didnt have a bad face - but I still felt bad. I just thought I was fucked up and Bad™ and didn’t have words for it so I chalked  it up to me thinking I was fat and ugly. So I wore those so I could condition myself to feel less bad about it. Eventually I was sure enough that I could wear more clothes that I liked without worrying about other people and as I’ve gone more that direction, I’ve gone more androgynous with hints of femininity. 

I’ve been trying to wear just what makes me happy (which is fucking hard - this post doesnt even really touch that mess). And I definitely gravitate towards more neutral things. I do wear feminine things sometimes - sometimes it’s fun but it’s more like dress-up.. It’s not me, it’s just a fun thing to do occasionally. When I do wear make-up (like cat-eyes and eyeshadow), it’s in that dress-up context or when I’m dressed more neutral/masculine and feel like the femininity gives it a good contrast. Or when I feel like looking like a 2000s emo kid (eyeliner all around).. mostly that tbh. I still feel the need to wear it in some contexts. For instance, I found this awesome outfit for a wedding I went to. A simple patterned button up and guys pants - so I thought id wear make-up for that contrast (but mostly bc I was seeing people at the event). At first I felt good about it, but more in the dress-up kind of way - it was just fun. But before we even got to the event, I really hated it. It was a mask to make the people around me feel comfortable. And I took some really cute pictures that day! I just wish I’d worn less or no make-up. 

I don’t even know how to approach body stuff. CLOTHES were hard to figure out because I have felt so separate from my body - Imagine trying to figure out my body. The only times I’ve liked how my boobs look has been in a performative context. My boobs had to look like x y z because theyre boobs and theyve got to be presentable (??? yeah I know it makes no sense - a lot of engrained shit doesnt make sense). When I bind, I feel comfortable with how I look with myself. But I get scared to go out because I don’t want people to notice BECAUSE it’s different. They will notice it’s different and say something about it. And its not like “oh no - theyll think I dont have boobs” - its about them noticing something is different and asking me why Im doing it. Or I even get scared of positive attention. I don’t want people to notice if I start binding or dressing differently. I REALLY wish I could just do and try different things with that and just have no one say anything about it. Like compliments are fine but noting that its different or asking questions is just incredibly uncomfortable. 

Words are a bit easier to talk about. Ive ignored discomfort, just like Ive ignored a lot of discomfort. I know that feminine language sounds weird and fake. But Masculine language is largely just as weird. I’m not a “girl”, I’m not pretty,  I’m sure as fuck not a “woman”, but I’m not a “boy” and definitely not a “man”... but sometimes I can get behind “boi” (why is that more neutral in my head? I dont know) and “handsome” and I’m mostly always down with “cute”. I don’t even really like feminine pronouns. They feel fake - it’s just convenient and asserting neutral pronouns just sounds like way more explaining that I want to have to do. 

My name is harder to talk about though. “Rebekah” makes me feel like I’m supposed to be Amish or have braided pigtails or something. “Bekah” is okay - but mostly because my friends use it and it’s a lot nicer than “Rebekah”. “Bek” has specific connotations to specific people and I don’t think I could use that as my primary name. So Mostly I feel kinda weird about the name situation. But I sure as fuck wouldn’t tell my family if I wanted to change it. I’m not even out as not-straight to most of them. I don’t even want to think about that. Honestly I can’t imagine trying to implement that kind of change. I don’t like the idea of people potentially asking questions about why Im binding - this is a whole nother level. 

Sometimes I think maybe I should just shove everything down. Just dress really femme - hell, buy a wig - and just make myself be super feminine... maybe Ill just stop thinking about it then. But I know thats not how life works. Repressing has always just brought more shit to deal with. 

[tumblunni]

Oh fuck i cant stand this

Ive already almost used up my damn mobile data again and i only bought it yesterday. Fuck i want to go home. You guys are like the only comfort i have here and i dunno what im gonna do when i cant message you again

Fuckin hell stupid shit day! I was supposed to go to a therapy class thing today but the stupid bus went past where my abusive father lives and i had a MASSIVE FREAKOUT and had to go home and then ofcourse to go home you have to go back on the stupid same bus!! I fuckib failed and wasted the doctor's time and he had to grab me to stop me from running off the bus crying and back to fuckin hell dad's house because im shit and i deserve everything he ever did to me

AND THEN fuckin same doctor continues the relentless constant tide of everyone misgendering me and making crass transphobic jokes

"You see you've gotta understand the other opinion" he says, as if trans people werent fuckin raised SURROUNDED by cis people's predjudiced opinion of us and taught it was fact. As if it didnt take me SO MUCH WORK to even become confident enough to stand up for myself! I've gotta see the 'other opinion' that "yknow well families and children use public bathrooms and theyre scared trans people will molest their children so its understandable they want to kick you out or even act violent to you". Yknow the OTHER OPINION that MY OPINION DOESNT MATTER and also MY ENTIRE EXISTANCE IS A CRIME but i'm the one being predjudiced for not accepting that OPINION, right?! Im here trying to tell him that no that isnt rational because there have been LITERALLY NO RECORDED CASES of trans people molesting children in public bathrooms, or even "evil men faking being trans" to do the same thing. There's been more cases of actual cis men breaking into women's bathrooms to drag women out for merely LOOKING trans. More cis women have been harassed because of anti trans laws than they ever did before! But hey "respect that other opinion", right? And also "at least its not as bad as russia" and "but gay pride is everywhere now, that one footballer had rainbow shoelaces." Hey wow i never noticed that not only was homophobia totally over but also transphobia was remotely related to that! Wow! I seriously had to bring out the fuckin 1600s historical investigation on pre-british olde englishe that showed the existance of a gender neutral pronoun before the word "he" ever existed, and the existance of transgender pride and pronoun discussions in the 1800s before the word transgender was even popularized. I cant believe i fuckin had to do a 'show your sources that queer people existed before the internet' IN REAL LIFE. WITH A MEDICAL PROFESSIONAL. I can point at the damn NHS website but nooooo!

Oh and yknow what got me the most? YKNOW WHAT GOT ME THE MOST?? "We have sick people here, you cant expect them to remember stuff like that. Dont ruin their recovery by bringing up stuff like that." Like..fuckin..IM A FUCKIN PATIENT TOO. I wasnt even asking the other patients to stop hurting me i was asking you the staff to maybe consider it! And seriously you want me to be so super ultra perpetually prepared and perpetually rational and able to keep my existance secret and out of every conversation yet theyre too ill to learn about lgbt people existing? Just a sentence would be too painful? And me living every day being misgendered doesnt impact my ability to recover at all, eh? Fuckin shitting fuck hell.

And i hate it i HATE IT because he's being nice so i'll be the bad guy if i complain. Likehe fuckin..doesnt even know he's being rude and doesnt want to consider the idea. He says 'i dont like your tone' if i suggest the concept and FUCK in that moment i was so fuckin scared he was gonna hit me like my dad did. Or at tge very least kick me out of the hospital if i dont cooperate with him. He just fuckin..thinks he's perfectly unbiased and accepts everyone and "oh but i like to make fun of everyone equally". And i even fuckin raised the subject that people who say that often only make fun of minorities and never themselves, the majority, or major power structures. And he's just like 'yeah yeh i hate people like that'. Whoosh. Rigjt over the head. God i wasnt even TRYING to be passive aggressive i was trying tk outright tell him why what he said was upsetting me but NOPE. Trying to explain how its just so hard and tiring to have to verrrrrry patientlyyyyy explain yourself to EVERYONE EVERY DAY CONSTANTLY while they sling loads of rude words at you and it should be just allowed because they 'dont know better'. Like you ask me to educate you but at the same time im rude if i actually tell you?? And god i also tried to explain how the fuckin bathroom violence thing isnt an example of 'educating another opinion' AGAIN by saying like... If someone just asked me to explain being transgender i would. If someone just said they were uncomfortable i would leave. That's 'another opinion'. Reacting with slurs and violence to a trans person existing and not doing anything to you is not 'another opinion' and its not someone who 'just didnt know'. He was seriously trying to argue that it WASNT BIGOTED it was just someone rationally being afraid for their children because of a danger that doesnt exist, and rationally reacting with extreme violence rather than doing anything else. Rationally. RATIONALLY. oh just MISTAKENLY committing a hate crime! Cos they just didnt know trans people exist! Not cos they hate us! Oh no! Yeah sure we totally have a fucking DUTY to educate these POOR UNKNOWING PEOPLE while theyre attacking us, and its our damn fault if we didnt...

And just fucking FUCK i hate how someone can say all that stuff and still be "nice" and still not hate me personally? Like its so messed up?? He's not anti trans or anything he just has so much more damn sympathy for cis people than trans people, and puts all the onus on us to somehow prevent our own murders. And he thinks that "i dont have a problem with trans people" means doing LITERALLY NOTHING to change your behaviour to make trans people feel accepted. They should just magically know that your jokes are jokes when theyre surrounded by so many people saying it honestly, in CONSTANT FEAR OF THAT EXACT THING LEADING TO VIOLENCE. And like in order to be "a guy who has no problem with trans people" he has to do nothing, while in order for me to be not bigoted against HIM it means i have to never get offended by his jokes and also never talk about myself and also constantly educate him about things because he doesnt want to learn, even though he works in a hospital thats supposed to have an anti discrimination policy. Like fuckin just NOT HURTING LGBT PEOPLE doesnt make you discrimination free, shit like telling me to misgender myself because my pronouns would confuse the other patients is kinda fuckin fucked up. Also "that's a question for later" is all i CONSTANTLY get when it comes to talking about legal name changes or therapy or even just talking to an lgbt support group. I have to wait until i stop being depressed because oh no im talking about too many mental illnesses at once. Its been seven years and i havent fuckin stopped being depressed, bitch! Ever consider a fuckin symptom of gender dysphoria is a big ol fat depression!!! And just gahhhhh he was so fuckin baffled and angry that i would dare to get emotional about the subject?? Like he just saw DEBATING WHETHER TRANS PEOPLE ARE REAL and WHETHER PEOPLE WHO MURDER THEM FOR USING THE BATHROOM ARE JUSTIFIED as a perfectly normal casual discussion that a Non Transphobic Man could have with his transgender friend. Why oh why would i cry about this casual hypothetical discussion? Hey its not like it fuckin affects me directly! "Well its never happened to you right?" A Ha Ha Ha Ha. Also fuckin "so which bathroom do you use?" and "well you're not really transgender if youre not getting the surgery-oh wait you do want the surgery? How does that work then?" I swear i could just see the gears turning in his head and he was about to say "do you want both down there". Gahhhhhh *cringes myself into a tiny tumbleweed and blows away*

Also the entire time he kept calling being trans a sexuality and also asexuality. "No youre not trans youre asexual right?" Yeah sure ive just been saying im trans and saying im not a girl and wearing a chest binder and talking this entire conversation about my experiences as a trans person in public bathrooms just to pull an elaborate prank on you. And like i know what he meant is that he thought the word for nonbinary was asexual (has asexuality REALLY made so little progress towards getting into the sex ed curriculum in the entire 25 years of my life?) But like seriously he was like "youre not really trans if youre nonbinary". And then fuck dude i dont wanna explain how surgery works to you!! And especially not also my entirely unrelated sexuality that has entirely different equally upsetting predjudices!

Ans gahhhh fuck i just got no sympathy for crying and he acted as if it was just some wildly unexpected occurance he never could have predicted. And i hate it cos he's nice to me whenever the subject is about anything else. I cant get any symoathey from ANYONE because he's A NICE GUY and why dont i just understaaaaaand other opinionnnnnns

I wanted to fuckin quit this whole thing on the spot and go home. Only reason i cant is because my support worker is off work until thursday auauauaughhh

Fuck at least one positive i guess is that ive made progress in the social anxiety or at least gotten better at giving the impression im making progress. Cos i want to LEAVE AS FAST AS POSSIBLE. And also fuck all my other worries seem less suicide-inducing when im actually getting the closest ive ever been to killing myself on a daily basis because of a stupid other thing that i never could have predicted. Go here for one form of self hate, come home with another! Yayyyyy

And fuck i havent even made a single bit of progress on drawing or writing anything and i cant practise making ganes cos my laptop cant run rpgmaker and i havent even started reading my giant pile of books cos they fuckin LOOK THROUGH THE WINDOW EVERY SINGLE HOUR TO MAKE SURE YOU AINT KILLED YOURSELF. i have no fuckin pribacy and its making me wanna kill myself even more!! I just live constantly on edge looking at the fuckin door window and i cant even do anything to distract myself because im too scared of them looking at me!! Or barging in at no notice to tell me i have to do some big stressful thing RIGHT NOW because i dont even get advance notice of anything aaaa! And fuck i dont have anywhere to go to even calm down from a panic attack cos i have no privacy so at least im getting over being scared of going outside cos outside is the only place i can go to cry. Fuckin strangers in the crowd at least wont cause shit if they see me.

Fuck i want to go home. Fuck i wish i had enough money to keep buying mobile internet. Its like fuckin 750mb a day to run tumblr but its all ive got to talk to any person who doesnt hate me or patronize me or think im faking a bunch of shit or whatever the fuck. And im not even any fun to be around when im like this so im probably just ruining your day too. And im probably gonna vanish again soon and then just go back to crying alone and getting worse and probably never being able to leave

I knew it was gonna be stressdul but i didnt predict any of this.. I just wanna fuckin die. I wanted to jump out the car and go to my old dad's house and have him pull open the door and slap me around a bit. Like call me a fucking dyke, call me a sick retard, be honest about your feelings! I'd fuckin take being abused over this "oh youre the bad one for being mad because i had goooood intentions" reverse psychology bigotry from hell. Either these people are evil geniuses or theyre even more stupid like me. Fuckin shit dad please manifest in my room and slap me, killing me instantly. I feel like being scared of you would at least be a faster emotion than this nebulous sensation of confusing unease and dysphoria 24/7 for 6 fuckin months. One week done, haha! Hahahabahahahahahahahahahahahahshahahahahahshshshahshahahahhahahaaaa