#this film is my whale in that i want to kill it with harpoons and also in the sense that the whale (2022) was also terrible

[solovelyanddry]

Imagine watching an adaptation of The Yellow Wallpaper where the husband was proven to be correct in his treatment of the narrator and you will begin to understand my problems with Poor Things (2023) as an adaptation (and, frankly, as a film).

[luckycheesefoodie321]

I saw Avatar Way of the Water (spoilers)

Let’s get a few things straight.

The goddamn death flags on my boy Neteyam who was the older brother who has to look after his rambunctious and mischievous younger brother. We’ve seen it before but goddamn did I wish it didn’t happen. The fact that one of the last scenes was Jake and Neytiri visiting him through Eywa.

The way Jake just kept taking all his stress out on Lo’ak because of his desperation to keep everyone safe and feeling everything spiralling out of control to the point he doesn’t see his son for who he is and what he is doing and the fact that beyond the start of the film, he follows almost every single order his father gives him, bar one’s that impact people he cares for… but then at the end when Payakan helps Lo’ak and Jake reach the surface, he finally looks over at his son and sees him. Not their circumstances. Not the consequences of their situation. But his son.

Are we trying to imply Kiri is Jesus??? Like Grace’s avatar is randomly pregnant when the last we see her, she’s with Eywa??? Bc she doing something psychic…

First movie was heavy on the colonialism. We continue that through line in the further plundering of natural resources and destruction of habitat… and the obviously blatant disparaging of the whaling business…

Love that the Metkayina were heavily inspired by the Māori culture… the tattoos on both the Metkayina and the tulkun, to whom the Metkayina have strong kin ties… giving me Whale Rider vibes. Which is fun because Tonowari, the chief of the Metkayina is played by Cliff Curtis who is in Whale Rider.

kinda hilarious to me then that the main harpoon dude is Australian. Glad Payakan ripped that POS arm off as retribution.

Neytiri is a death goddess. Like bro when she mounts her ikran after Neteyam’s death, her eyes and stance just screams she’s out for blood. And was v worried she was gonna kill Spider. I hope that’s a relationship that improves because I don’t want Spider to have any reason to be crawling back to Quaritch bc Neytiri is shunning him.

I also really appreciate Ronal. Badass pregnant lady. Tonowari goes “you should stay” Ronal snarls back “I will ride!” Ain’t nothing gonna stop her!

Finally. Tuk is baby. Protect my snarling lil child at all costs.

There were a lot of familiar beats to this film story wise, and it did feel like one big set up to the follow up movies. The narration was a bit much bc you can’t explain it as Jake talking into the video logs anymore so it just got inserted a few too many times. And yes it felt a touch too long but we also barely spent anytime just immersing in the new part of Pandora we had just been introduced to. Especially after we so abruptly ran away from the Omaticaya and Jake stepped down as chief. I was genuinely upset when they stopped the montage of them learning the ways of the Metkayina to take in more of Quaritch terrorising villages and hunting tulkun.

But overall I think it was a very well done film. The ending hit hard. There were scenes that were just gorgeous to look at. I loved that different Na’vi have evolved differently to other Na’vi depending on their environment. But you see the similarities in culture, you see that they still have the spirit tree which ties them to the Great Mother, Eywa. So you’re eased into this new place along with the Sully’s because there are some things that are familiar, even if we’re no longer travelling through the trees. I’m curious to see how Jesus!Kiri becomes a thing. I hope no more deaths in the Sully clan because Neteyam was already too much.

[the-four-terrapins]

The Leader’s Dream

Warning! Graphic, mention of main character death. 

I wake with a start, my hand instinctively moves to my side table for the hidden blade as my mind screams danger. Just as the tips of my fingers reach the hilt it hits me and I take a deep breath. The walls of my room, my books my sanctuary, I am at home in bed…..safe.

  I feel the heat of you, to my side you sleep soundlessly, peacefully, and I thank the gods I didn’t wake you.

 I had the dream again, the atrocious waking nightmare that has haunted me for a few weeks now. Is it just a dream or is it a sign, a premonition of a horrible future? I hope it’s not the latter, I don’t think I could handle it.

 There is blood, so much blood painting the floor and walls with its crimson wave. Some of it is The Foot, some is my kin. I had failed them, served them up to the Shredder on a silver platter unable to see the treachery in our mist. I should have known better, I was trained for this, I am their leader. They knew we were coming, someone had betrayed us and I would never forgive myself if this truly happened.

 They take Raphael first right before our eyes; the scene plays out in horrific slow motion. We drop in and the hothead insists he should go first, always wanting the first piece of the action. It should have been me.

 The trap is set perfectly, designed to kill. There were no prisoners this round with the Shredder. The large metal harpoon, something meant for a whale finds the middle of Raph’s chest piercing the scrutes of his plastron like warm butter.  His eyes widen in shock as his fingers wrap around the pole lodged in his chest trying to pry it from his body on instinct. His mouth opens to scream but the only thing that comes is red. All I can process is the silence but I know I’m screaming, Donnie is screaming and Mike……..Mikey is running for him like a sitting duck and before I can stop him or he can reach our failing brute another hurtling projectile makes its home in our little brother. I can hear him scream this time, loud, filled with pain and the wet sound that follows makes my stomach roll. Everything becomes blurry as both brothers fall to their knees, reaching for each other; dying……I’ve failed them.

 Seconds, it was god damn seconds and my body finally catches up to my brain and I reach for my katanas. Donnie manages to dodge the next, his brain was working faster than mine. I can sense mine but I’m not quick enough. I’m turning, blades in hand and it sinks into my side. I cannot feel the pain, well not the physical pain and I slice the tip free and yank the poll free.  All I feel is rage, blinding hatred and as the warehouse fills with The Foot I lose myself in the battle, in my mind, in my anguish. It must be how Raphael feels when the anger takes over.

 I don’t remember much of that part of the dream, just blood, lots of carnage and death. When I come too I can’t see Don, I can’t find him and my panic skyrockets. I can barley breath as I begin screaming his name. There are so many bodies on the floor, did I do that? Did Don? I find a pile of corpses and I begin digging, yanking at limps coated in red sticky film.

 Then green, I can see green, Donnie I found him but he’s not moving. I rip the last of the bodies from him and I scream, no….. I bellow as if I’m dying because I am. I see swords sticking from his sides pushed all the way to the hilt protruding from the other side. His once vibrant eyes lay open, cold and lifeless. I scream again pulling his body to me, hoping life remains.

 Just then he appears before me the metal monstrosity that was Shredder laughing, gloating at my pain and suffering. His eyes are red, flaming with the evil that lurks within. He has killed my family but to my horror then man isn’t done. No, he pulls you out of nowhere. Bound and helpless you struggle in his grasp, no, no not you!

 I try to stand, try to save the last of what keeps me whole but it’s too late, the blade pushes through and all I can do is watch the life drain from your face. He has killed me without even laying a hand on me. The last vision I see before my mind pulls me from my hell is my own harpoon sticking from my chest carrying my still beating heart.  

 (How would you sooth him?)

[woozapooza]

Moby Dick 1998 reactions

Literally just the notes I took watching the 1998 Moby Dick miniseries. I enjoyed it a lot but I like the 2011 one better.

Elijah is pretty goofy here

Note to self--find video of Henry Thomas talking in his normal voice. Is he doing a weird accent for this role, or is that just how he talks? He sounds almost Irish. [BTW after I finished watching, I looked up a video of him talking in his normal voice and he does not sound weirdly Irish-tinged in real life, so I have no idea why he was talking like that in this adaptation.]

They shoehorn some narration from the book into Ishmael’s dialogue

Not sure if the problem is with the actor or the dialogue, but Henry Thomas’s performance is...rather stilted

Here, Ishmael has no nautical experience. 

“I fear I must make a confession. I used to be a schoolteacher.” HE SAYS THAT LIKE IT’S SO EMBARRASSING 

When Peleg says that Queequeg “doesn’t look like much of a Christian,” Ishmael fires back with “HE’S KILLED MORE WHALES THAN YOU CAN COUNT” and seriously looks like he’s about to punch Peleg until Queequeg puts his hand on his shoulder.

Queequeg is less worldly here than in the book. Ishmael takes him to church to teach him about the concepts of God and souls.

STARBUCK IS PLAYED BY BUFFALO BILL FROM THE SILENCE OF THE LAMBS?!

Ishmael is so serious here

Stubb is perfect

Interesting that Ishmael is a brand-new sailor, but he already knows the song (shanty?) the other sailors are singing

The guy playing Flask could stand to rein it in a bit

Pip is younger than I imagined him. But then, I don’t think his age is specified in the book.

Ishmael’s hands are burned by the rope. Later, below decks, Queequeg patches them up :) 

One guy literally refers to Ishmael and Queequeg as “lovebirds” and another guy makes kissing noises at them

Those guys try (pathetically) to bully Queequeg. Ishmael says to Queequeg, sounding kind of ashamed, “You pagans should teach us Christians the art of kindness.” Queequeg reassures him that they (Q & I) are friends *emotional emoji*

This is so weird! There’s a scene where basically the whole crew converges on Ishmael and tells him scary whale facts while he looks terrified!

I feel like Ahab needs to have a beard. I forget if he has one in the book but he SHOULD.

Ted Levine has the absolute BEST judgmental face.

They keep the scene of Ahab throwing his pipe overboard!

Pip sounds like he’s from the Caribbean? Interesting. I looked up the actor and he’s from Wisconsin. 

Fedallah is east Asian instead of Parsi for some reason 

“There’s no savagery of beast that’s not infinitely outdone by that of man.” I love that they retain Ishmael’s bursts of human-phobia!

The little swing Captain Boomer uses to get to the Pequod looks like so much fun

After the encounter with the Samuel Enderby, Starbuck openly stands up to Ahab, but Ahab shuts him down. Then there’s a shot of Pip angrily throwing down his tambourine. I like that. It adds some depth to Pip.

Wait, Bulkington’s name is in the credits??? He’s here??? I looked up the guy who plays him and I don’t recognize him but apparently the character is here somewhere. 

The whale looks so silly

Pip is in Starbuck’s boat here, and the emphasis is on Starbuck, not Stubb, choosing not to bother helping him. That’s an odd choice. I like that Ishmael is trying to get Starbuck to go back for Pip. When the hunt is over, Starbuck proposes going back for him and Stubb argues against it. Now that I think about it, I kind of see what they were going for. Starbuck’s first priority is to get the job done and his second priority is morality. 

A SHARK ALMOST GETS PIP?! WHAT’S GOING ON

When the rescue boat approaches the Pequod, there’s a shot of Ishmael holding Pip in his arms <3

When Pip is lifted aboard, Stubb celebrates. Sir, kindly shut up. You were in favor of leaving him to die. Okay, to be fair, I guess the novel is coloring my view of the miniseries’ take on the character. Here, Stubb wasn’t the one who left him behind, that was Starbuck. Stubb just thought he was probably dead, which I guess is reasonable.

Out of nowhere (unless I’ve forgotten something), Bulkington is an actual character in Part 2.

I love the choice to literally film from Pip’s point of view to depict his terror and disorientation. 

I don’t love this portrayal of Queequeg, to be honest. He lacks subtlety.

Pip starts dressing up as Ahab. I’m trying very hard not to find this funny. I KNOW it’s serious. It just reminds me of when I was a kid and I would entertain my mom by putting on her hat and shoes.

Unlike in the book, here Pip doesn’t become...I don’t know the word for it. Disidentified with himself? He doesn’t talk about “Pip” in the third person or say that Pip is dead or missing.

I like that, unlike the 1956 and 2011 versions, this one is really making an effort to depict the bond that forms between Pip and Ahab. However, the fact that it only forms once Ahab sees Pip dressed up as him cheapens it a bit, I feel. 

Ooh, they have Queequeg stand up to Ahab! That’s a fun choice. 

Ishmael is very angry that everyone on the ship is going mad. 

Why do some of the actors pronounce Queequeg’s name “kee-quay”???

THEY HAVE QUEEQUEG DECLARE THAT THERE IS NO GOD ON THE PEQUOD AND THROW YOJO IN THE FIRE??? 

Starbuck catches Bulkington trying to jump ship and go home to his wife. Instead of trying to stop him, he gives him a letter to deliver to Mary. Bulkington suggests that Starbuck just come along with him, but Starbuck can’t bring himself to do that. That’s really interesting. I like that.

Starbuck comes into Ahab’s cabin, where Ahab and Pip are both asleep, and stands menacingly over Ahab. Maybe thinking murderous thoughts? I’m not sure, but DEFINITELY thinking malicious thoughts. But then he sees Ahab put his hand on top of Pip’s, and he softens. I love that.

Ahab takes the wheel in a storm. Major Flint vibes!

Patrick Stewart seems to be having a great time

I THINK QUEEQUEG JUST DECLARED AHAB HIS GOD? WTF 

Ishmael and Starbuck commiserate about how everyone else on this crew has lost their minds. In the book, Ishmael is clear about the fact that he was under Ahab’s spell just like the rest of the crew (minus Starbuck), but I guess they wanted to give him stuff to do in this adaptation aside from just being one of the crowd.

Whoa there is something weird going on between Starbuck and Ishmael. I’m starting to ship it, frankly. 

I don’t like what they did with the “let me gaze into a human eye” scene. In the book, it’s really moving. Here, Starbuck literally has a knife in his hand. Ahab puts his hand on Starbuck’s face and Starbuck looks extremely uncomfortable. However, as the interaction continues, you see Starbuck start to feel less murderous and try to reason with Ahab, so I guess that’s good. 

Oh snap! Starbuck holds the knife to Ahab’s chest...and then starts crying. And then voluntarily lowers the knife. This is wild. Ahab says “what have I done” and you get the sense that he’s on the verge of being persuaded...when the guy on the masthead spots the whale. 

I like that this version includes Fedallah at all but Kee Chan is simply not given a whole lot to work with. 

OH GOD QUEEQUEG GETS BADLY INJURED—I THINK HE SOMEHOW GETS HARPOONED?—AND HIS LAST WORD IS “ISHMAEL” AND THEN HE SINKS UNDER AND ISHMAEL SCREAMS AND DIVES AFTER HIM AND TRIES TO PULL HIM UP BUT QUEEQUEG SHAKES HIM OFF I’M GONNA DIE

AND THEN WHEN ISHMAEL RESURFACES HE SCREAMS AGAIN I AM DEVASTATED 

The cook and the carpenter are both trying to get the doubloon. Guys...priorities.

Starbuck is just hanging out inside the boat this whole time and then the whale rams into the boat and Starbuck and Pip both get overwhelmed by the water :(

As the carpenter dies, there’s a shot of the doubloon in his hand. I like that. 

As with the 2011 version, the “epilogue” feels a little rushed. I guess maybe it just doesn’t translate all that well to the screen. Oh well.

[almasexya]

Moby Dickheads (Whale God, 1962)

“What, you’ve gone out of order?” I hear none of you saying, because something tells me the chronological order of these reviews isn’t something getting a lot of attention.

That said, the reason I’ve jumped back a year to focus on another kaiju movie with a spurious claim to the title is twofold. One, this movie is damn hard to find. Unlike every other title on this list, Whale God has never seen a US release in any capacity, meaning that the only way to watch it is either to be fluent in Japanese, or hope somebody has undertaken the task of translating it.

Two, now that my Gamera set is here, it’s time to do something I hadn’t initially planned, which is to add the non-Toho kaiju movies into my rotation, which will only serve to make an already massive project take even longer. But what the hell, I’ve got the time to spare.

So if you haven’t caught on by now, Whale God is not a Toho production, but was produced by Daiei, the studio best known for the Gamera and Zatoichi series. While it’s not a typical kaiju film by any stretch of the imagination, Whale God definitely represents Daiei dipping its toes into that pool, and ironically is a far better film than their first true entry into the genre, which we’ll get to soon enough by god.

It honestly took me some time to find a copy of this film that was worth a shit. There’s an upload on youtube that’s okay, but if you want to check it out for yourself, I’d recommend the version on Internet Archive, which is how I found it. It doesn’t seem like Daiei paid much attention to this film either - as far as I can see it’s gotten one DVD release in its home country over a decade ago, so I wouldn’t expect this one to come stateside anytime soon, if ever.

That said, Whale God is not for everyone. It’s more of a period picture than a kaiju movie, and it’s the only film on this list I anticipate including trigger warnings for. Even the bloodiest of the Gamera pictures don’t hold a candle to the violence depicted here, not to mention the fact that one character rapes another. Whale God is very much for adults, at the far end of the pendulum away from the kiddie fare most kaiju movies are known as.

You could call the film a Japanese Moby Dick, and you wouldn’t really need to say much more. A small whaling village in Tokugawa Japan is terrorized by a monstrously large whale that, no matter how hard they try, they cannot kill. Generations have tried, and all have failed, leaving protagonist Shaki (Kojiro Hongo) to avenge his family and kill the beast. The village elder and permanently grouchy old Samurai played by Takashi Shimura fills in for the Ahab role by offering his land, titles, and even his daughter to the man who can slay the beast, which leads the drifter Kishu (Shintaro Katsu of Zatoichi fame) to come to town and try to kill the whale himself.

Katsu is nearly unrecognizable as Kishu, a psychotic rapist who is about as far from the noble Zatoichi as you can get. It’s almost disturbing to see him at his most depraved, but he clearly relishes the chance to cut loose. The conflict between Kishu and Shaki drives the film to its conclusion, as the two characters serve as foils to each other: Shaki cares for nothing aside from killing the whale, his obsession driving him to mania, while Kishu couldn’t seem to give less of a shit as long as he gets to kill something big and get rewarded for it.

Watching these two actors square up, both psychologically and at one point literally, is damn exciting to watch, with both men giving it their all. Kishu is an absolute bastard, but he’s a compelling bastard you just love to hate, while all-around nice guy Shaki is almost depressing to watch as he slips into whale mania, abandoning everything in his personal life in a single-minded pursuit to take down the Whale God to avenge his family. Obsession and the damage it causes is a powerful theme here, and it’s made quite clear that going after the whale god isn’t going to end well.

Scaring up info on the production of Whale God is difficult. According to IMDB, the special effects director was Takesaburo Watanabe, who worked on a few of the 70s Godzilla films but otherwise wasn’t involved in any other kaiju films. From what I could glean there were two whale props, one smaller one designed to swim around, and another one large enough to climb on. Both get their fair share of screen time, with the latter one appearing at the end as the Kishu and Shaki stab at it with their harpoons in showers of blood and gore.

The whale itself is based on a real living thing that I confess I had to look up, called a North Atlantic Right Whale, which is apparently threatened with extinction today. For a baleen whale, the Whale God sure smashes up a lot of boats and appears to either be eating people or just swimming into them, but it serves to make him a frightening antagonist, and we can chalk up any odd behavior to how damn big he is anyhow. The Whale God doesn’t have the personality of most kaiju, but he doesn’t really need it: he’s wild nature personified, and he does let loose a few roars near the end of the film that should satisfy kaiju fans.

Between this film and the Daimajin series, it’s a shame the Gamera movies weren’t initially shot as period pieces, because Daiei’s team definitely seemed more suited to this kind of work. Whale God is a well-paced and compelling character study that also has a giant baleen whale that inexplicably eats people. It’s also a film you definitely need to be in the right mood for, because the dour atmosphere, punctuated by Akira Ifukube’s score, never lets up. Whale God is a bleak and often downright miserable film, but it has a way of sticking with you after the end card. If you’re in the mood for a mature period piece, give this one a look.

[shipburner]

Fallout: Atlantis

A Fallout game by somebody who has never played Fallout and is just now reading the wikis

So, I took @tyrantisterror‘s “Your Own Personal Fallout” post way, way too seriously for someone with no connection to the games.

Name and Location of The Wasteland: the Tidewater Expanse (the Chesapeake Bay plus several feet of sea level rise). Distinct from the Capital Wasteland due to the 30 miles and water barrier separating them.

Time Period: the more I try to learn about the Fallout timeline the more my head hurts

Primary Slice of Americana: Kitschy tourist traps, the way some states have urban and rural areas abutting each other so closely (the Tidewater Expanse transitions very quickly from settlement to farmland/waterways/waste), a soupcon of Moby Dick-esque whaling yarns

Central Thematic Conflict: Identity: who are you, in a world of chaos and change? What do you choose to center yourself around? Do you find solace in ideals? In aesthetics? In challenges? People have different answers to that question.

PC’s Title: The Reporter

PC’s Motive for Exploring the Wasteland: You're a newspaper with a staff of one, but by gum are you going to make your paper the best ever! You travel around the Tidewater Expanse looking for people's stories, interviewing them and possibly doing journalistically unethical things by involving yourself in their stories.

Bestiary

Recurring Creatures and Robots: ‘Cause it’s not Fallout without radroaches, Deathclaws, and ghouls

Humanoid:

Ghouls

Super Mutants: Some dipshits tried to keep FEV at the Aberdeen Proving Ground and made super mutants again, proving that we never learn from our fucking mistakes.

Synths

Mammalian:

Brahmins, which curiously have red-and-white or black-and-orange patches

Dogs

Radstags and yao guai, which likewise have the Maryland flag pattern

Reptilian:

Gulpers, which are human-sized, fast, brightly colored, and hide in the undergrowth/under logs and buildings. They're referred to as burners, since some of them can breathe fire.

Lakelurks/mirelurk kings, evolved diamondback terrapins. Referred to as landlurks, they can use tools, have language, and are treated as people in the Tidewater Expanse, often retrieving things from the drowned cities.

Pinkclaws, deathclaws whose shrimp-rich diet has made their keratinous structures bright pink. Their horns have fused into head-crests that vaguely resemble beehive hairdos. They are found exclusively as the battle mounts of the Hons.

Arthropod:

Bloatflies

Bloodbugs

Giant ants

Giant mantises

Mirelurks (referred to as baylurks), since they're canonically blue and horseshoe crabs.

Radroaches

Wanamingos, using @bogleech​'s flea-wanamingo idea.

Robots:

Eyebots

Mr. Handys/Gutsys/Nannys

Assaultrons, protectrons, sentrybots (found at the Aberdeen Proving Ground)

New Creatures and Robots:

Various kinds of giant fish (pumpkinseeds, eels, perch, killifish, and whatnot).

Bagels, shrieking flocks of seagulls which lower your Karma when you kill them as a "Rime of the Ancient Mariner" reference.

Bugbears, giant jumping spiders taken from the Bogleech Fallout bugs article, occupying the same "killer rabbit" role as wig-wigs in the Edge Chronicles.

Chessies, otter-like creatures that are actually Chesapeake Bay Retrievers mutated to live in a watery environment. They mob your boat, although sometimes it's out of affection.

Crabkens, colony organisms made of hundreds of thousands of blue crabs, which wrap tentacles made of crabs around boats and pull them to the bottom of the Bay.

Goblins, hairless raccoons that dig through ruins.

Hugbugs, giant, mutated lovebugs, the corpses of which can be made into goo bombs and the living of which will swarm you and cook you to death like Japanese honeybees.

Iron crabs, aquatic spy robots that look like crabs.

Loxo zombies, humans infected with a mutated version of Loxothylacus panopaei, with larva-bearing barnacles on their guts. Loxo zombies are obsessed with the propagation of their larvae, but often retain their original personalities.

Misties, island-dwelling wild horses with the ability to turn invisible.

Pentecost lice, a mutated version of Cymothoa exigua found in various fish and in some humans. They have human-sounding voices, and some claim they are oracular.

Snakeheads, humanoid snakehead fish who wear human masks and try, buffoonishly, to infiltrate our society.

Snallygosters, vaguely birdlike/dragonlike creatures with one eye, metal beaks, and a fringe of tentacles surrounding their beaks.

  Factions

Faction 1: The Watermen (The Well-Intentioned But Flawed One)

Leader: Captain Cate Claw, a salty-mouthed woman who runs a fishing boat and uses a mirelurk claw as a hook

Goal: To care for the Tidewater Expanse and survive off its bounty

Distinctive Visual and Behavioral Theme: The Watermen all wear stereotypical yellow hats and raincoats, often with some sea-beast trophy. While they make an effort to care for the Tidewater Expanse, there are many who backslide into overfishing.

Faction 2: The Proven (The Obviously Evil (But Partially Justified?) One)

Leader: Jack Utsumi, a severe-looking and internally tortured scientist

Goal: To utilize the technology of Edgewood (see below) to bring order to the land and possibly restore it to its former glory. Utsumi doesn't want conflict, but many of his henchpeople do.

Distinctive Visual and Behavioral Theme: The Proven are very clean-cut, and enjoy white garb and well-maintained equipment. They incorporate the Brotherhood of Steel's tech thing, but with a less shiny aesthetic than regular Fallout: their tech is black, boxy, and flat, with a somewhat ENIAC switchboard look. The Proven aren't xenophobic, but they do buy heavily into the myth of "make it on your own", ignoring that they're the ones who found all the fancy toys.

Faction 3: The Hons (The Amoral But Not Necessarily Evil One)

Leader: Attila the Hon, a powerful, motherly woman with a scarred face, stilted way of speaking, and flamboyant feathered overcoat

Goal: To make the world a safe space for arts and performance

Distinctive Visual and Behavioral Theme: Think Baltimore "Hon" culture meets old sword-and-sandal films. They employ press-on claw gauntlets, detachable beehive hairdos filled with angry bees, and floral-patterned lorica armor. As previously mentioned, they ride pinkclaws.

Faction 4: The Criers (Actually Interesting Fourth Choice)

Leader: Mr. Raven, a ghoul and former Edgar Allan Poe reenactor, who tries to use "Nevermore" at any opportunity he can get

Goal: To remember history that would otherwise be forgotten

Distinctive Visual and Behavioral Theme: The Criers dress like a mishmash of historical periods, having been cobbled together relics from historical reenactment societies. They research the history of the Tidewater Expanse, both before and after the Great War. Many of them stay permanently in character.

Companions

Male Unaffiliated Companion: Carl Cramer is the smiling-crab-logo-shirted proprietor of the Crab Mart, the convenience store in the Cape (see below). He can be convinced to come adventuring with you to give the Crab Mart a proper mail-order service. He has no fear, but also no sense of self-preservation, and his morality is heavily centered around whether or not people will be able to acquire snacks and household goods with ease and efficiency.

Female Unaffiliated Companion: Ori Paimana, a tall and friendly woman who runs the Cape Marina, and is perhaps overly eager to talk to you about spears, harpoons, and other implements of pointy death. She makes a mean clam chowder. She can be convinced to come adventuring with you to cover any perceived ineptitude with boats or fear of bay monsters.

Robot Companion: Joanna, a synth who wants to leave Kent (see below) behind and find her own way in the world.

Canine Companion: Dwayyo, a loner, a rambler, a rogue, a Captain Ahab with a twinkle in their eye and significantly better intentions than Ahab. Dwayyo is a humanoid dog-thing on the trail of Schnell Geist (see below); think the Kate Beaton "Nemesis" comics.

Third Nonhuman Companion: Dr. Dinky is a landlurk and a skilled science educator. He is also extremely small and frequently falls on his back. It is implied that he is centuries old and can remember his life before the Great War. (There is a real Dinky, a denizen of the education center at the Smithsonian Environmental Research Center in Edgewater, MD.)

Evil Companion: vehicle and weapons dealer Big Bill Hell isn't a bad person, necessarily. However, he is incredibly foul-mouthed, claims that he'll fuck the spouses of people he dislikes, and will cheat you out of every cent you've got. Has a horrifying "Challenge Pissing" attack.

Faction 1 Companion: Barnacle Billie, an ecologist working for the Watermen. She may or may not have deliberately become a loxo zombie in an ill-thought-out if effective attempt to transition.

Faction 2 Companion: Babs Eldridge, a computer programmer with the Proven. She has a mother and a sister to provide for, and wants them to be safe.

Faction 3 Companion: Sweet Sal, a beehive-sporting protectron who talks in a LARGE, HAMMY VOICE about GLORIOUS COMBAT. May harbor a crush on the Reporter.

Faction 4 Companion: Samuel Smythe, a minuteman with the Criers who fights with an oversized town crier's bell, and loves the idea of spreading news to the Tidewater Expanse.

Other NPCs:

Violetta Vaughn, one of the Criers in Naptown, who's trying to build airships to ease travel in the area.

Schnell Geist, a giant albino Snallygoster. Reputedly intelligent, Schnell Geist is the Moby Dick of the area.

Natty Boh, the flamboyant, one-eyed mayor of More, and Domino, his hulking assaultron bodyguard. Mayor Boh is head-over-heels in love with local desalination plant owner Ms. Utz, but is absolutely terrible at words, leaving Domino to play the Cyrano.

Locations:

Starting Town: the Cape (Cape Saint Claire, an Annapolis suburb). The Cape's primary conflict is a Hatfields-and-McCoys-esque conflict between two families whose initial conflict is implied to have been competing soccer moms.

Small Town 1: the Glen (Glen Burnie). Here you'll meet the Proven, accused (in one case rightly) of atrocities by some local Watermen. There's also a collection of Criers trying to focus on exploring the ruins of BWI.

Small Town 2: Kent (Kent Island). Kent is a Stepford Wives-esque community, with synths (some of whom don't know they're synths) turning out cheerful, idyllic trinkets for people using what remains of the island as a stop on the water routes.

The Big City: More (Baltimore). More is the bustling metropolis, and the trade hub and entertainment center of the Tidewater Expanse. It is the headquarters of the Hons, and where you meet Sweet Sal, as well as Big Bill Hell.

The Less Big City: Naptown (Annapolis). Naptown is abuzz with activity from the Criers, looking to recover historic items, and home to some very good crab places. You'll meet Barnacle Billie here.

The Sketchy City: Edgewood (Aberdeen Proving Ground). Edgewood is full of weapons dealers, mercenaries, and folk seeking to plunder the stores of the Aberdeen Proving Ground. You'll meet Babs Eldridge, and the rest of the Proven, here. The Proven look down upon the rabble of Edgewood.

Faction 1 Headquarters: The Academy, formerly the Naval Academy and now repurposed as the largely pacifist and scientific academy of the Watermen.

Faction 2 Headquarters: the Arsenal, a former army compound near Edgewood.

Faction 3 Headquarters: Hon Street, an enclave located within More, patrolled by pinkclaws and actually a nice, if very loud, place to live.

Faction 4 Headquarters: the Historic London Town and Gardens, remarkably well-preserved.

Scary Sidequest Dungeon: Druid Ridge. A drowned catacomb beneath the former cemetery. Something haunts it. Something powerful and monstrous. Something that you'd mistake for the statuary. Something artificial that came back to its namesake's old resting place…

Funny Sidequest Dungeon: The Maryland State House, final goal of a National Treasure-esque mission the Criers send you on. Its puzzles are … pretty dang goofy.

Tedious and Enormous Sidequest Dungeon: Crabcracker Cove. A giant mirelurk nest where you have to collect samples from every single mirelurk you kill. It takes a long-ass while to get them out.

Super Weird Sidequest Dungeon: Long Bridge. A covered bridge in the north that is far bigger, far darker, and takes far longer to cross than by rights it should. Contains the holographic ghosts and ghost people from Dead Money, way too many crying baby noises, and a Goatman.

The Obligatory Vault: Vault 18. Vault 18 was designed to protect the culinary knowledge of the world, and taught its denizens to treat recipes with ritual importance. Its denizens wear yellow metal armor and plague doctor masks filled with 18 sacred herbs and spices.

I fucking hate Old Bay seasoning.

[my-nameless-bliss]

Hey it's me the Black Sails anon can we talk about what the frig James did with his hair inbetween s2 and s3 (I miss his ponytail A Lot) and how they spent 2 full season building up the Urca plot only to then brush it off at the start of s3 with a 'oh yeah we split it fairly everyone's happy' and I never thought I would l be happy to see someone harpoon a whale

Black Sails anon here again I’VE JUST FINISHED IT OMG I’M SOBBING I’M IN SUCH A STATE I KNEW THE ENDING BUT ACTUALLY EXPEREINCING IT BLOODY HELL. I will never get over the Flint Hamilton ending. Things I'dve liked- Max having more screen time, killing Rogers off and not dragging Eleanor down with his shit characterisation, Madi with more screen time and developing her character and her and Flints relationship, not making me think Anne was dead BUT MAX ANNE FLINT THOMAS MADI JACK I CAN’T DEAL

MY DUDE I know there’s a lot in these messages but first I gotta say that I am STILL mourning the loss of James Flint’s Ponytail (r.i.p.). Like, the Depression Haircut/Beard was super effective and definitely fit the development of his character but I just loved that ginger ponytail so goddamn much???????? The ponytail and the epic coats and the general ‘I’m Terrifying But I Still Have Some of my Shit Together’ aesthetic, as opposed to the two latter seasons where he’s full-on ready to End at any moment.

Also, remember that time Flint and Silver literally murdered a fucking shark with their bare hands????? Season 3 was WILD and I’m still not over it.

And I absolutely know what you mean about the ending being so much more poignant when you actually watched it in the series. I only started watching the show in the first place after the finale aired (since I had no interest in a show where everyone ends up sad and dead, but a show where everyone is sad and dead but ends up alive and happy is MY SHIT), so I always knew that’s where it was gonna end up and I’d seen The Scene a million times before but my god it was NOTHING compared to actually watching it in context. The imagery, the music, the cinematography, even the goddamn costuming??????? Literally the most beautiful thirty seconds ever put to film. I will never recover. No matter how many times I watch it.

There’s so much good shit in your messages and I could easily rant about Black Sails for years, so please feel free to keep shouting as much as you want, or use messenger/skype if you want a more effective platform for two-person ranting. 💜👍💜

[mick-doherty-blog]

Assassins Creed Rogue

Previously hosted on TheGameJar (Dec 2014) before it's closure. So as I’m one of the few people that don’t seem to have a next gen console I’m going to be reviewing 360 and 3DS games primarily but, on the plus side, that means I get to try out games like Assassins Creed Rogue and tell all you lucky people about it! The game is set in the mid-18th century during the French and Indian war, with the main character being Shay Patrick Cormac. If you hadn’t guessed from the title he is the Assassin turned Templar. Chronologically AC: Rogue is set after AC IV: Black Flag but before the events of Assassins Creed III with younger characters from AC III and older characters from AC IV turning up occasionally. The game was actually quite enjoyable but really short, if you don’t plan on doing many of the side missions, with only 6 Shay sequences and a few modern day sequences which means completing it shouldn’t take you too long. Even after completing most of the side missions it didn’t add too much extra time onto it unfortunately.

There aren’t many new things added to the game to make it vastly different from previous games in the series but the few new things it did offer was a couple of new weapons both for Shay and his ship the Morrigan. For Shay there’s an air rifle which you can shoot Berserk and Sleep darts as well as fire crackers to cause diversions (although I accidentally shot a guard with the fire crackers and it killed him so they can be lethal as well) and a grenade launcher which shoots three types of grenades, Berserk, Sleep and Shrapnel. There are upgrades which increases the area of effect for each of the grenades as well as the proficiency for each grenade. Hand to hand combat has also been upgraded so that enemies are now countered by timing kind of like the Batman games. For the Morrigan there is a new editions of the Puckle Gun (which kind of isn’t a new addition but it can do new things, I think) and an oil slick which is released when the camera is pointing to the rear (or stern or aft, if my nautical terms are right) which is then ignited. There’s also the new edition of an enemy ship being able to crash into and board you. It’s the same as you boarding another ship except you have the luxury of not having to leave your own ship. If you manage to survive it (which isn’t too hard) you’ll automatically capture the other ship and gain the spoils without all the hard work. Another addition is the Assassin Stalker that show up every now again. The edges of the screen will go a hazy orange colour and you’ll start to hear faint whispers that get louder the closer you get to the Assassin. You can use Eagle Vision to bring up the radar (introduced in the multiplayer) and eventually tag the Assassins in their hiding place but where’s the fun in that? One thing that was taken away was the diving missions from Black Flag. As you’re in North America and surrounded by freezing water, diving is impossible due to your health starting to drain if you spend too much time in the water!

Story wise the game is really interesting as it shows another side to the story. Since AC there’s always been the whole ‘You’re an Assassin, Assassins are good Templars are bad. Deal with it!’ but this time you get to see it from a Templar point of view. The game takes place one year after the modern day events of Black Flag and starts with you turning up at Abstergo Entertainment ready for you to go about your business and get some material for a potential film or whatever they’re using the footage for. Once you login and make your way through some of Shay’s memories you inadvertently trip a hidden memory corrupts some files and puts Abstergo into an emergency lockdown. Enter Melanie Lemay who tells you that you’ll be staying behind, while the rest of the building is evacuated, to work through the rest of Shays memories and sort out the system. It’s at this point you’ll have the side missions of unlocking and fixing everyone else’s computers (if you want to) and finding random tablets, phones and post it’s with the little wireless symbol that you can collect for extra background on things. It gives you something else to do while back in the modern day, I suppose. Although if you don’t finish whatever modern day objective you have quick enough, you’ll get constant messages from Melanie telling you to get a move which gets kinda irritating really quickly. So if you want explore the office it’s probably best to put the sound off unless you have a high tolerance for hearing the same thing being repeated over and over!

You have your usual side missions for Shay like collecting animus fragments, treasure chests, syncing viewpoints, finding treasures from treasure maps and upgrading your ship. There are a few new collectibles that will unlock some new outfits but they don’t offer anything other than a change of look. The animal hunting makes a return with some random challenges in some cities where you need to collect so many hides from a certain animal in a given time. The downside to that is you don’t get to keep the hides which is kind of annoying. The harpooning also makes a return but this has been downsized so it’s only 5 sea animals but they’ve kept the White Whale so you can still pretend your Captain Ahab for a few minutes. Although everything you need for crafting can be bought at a shop making the hunting kind of pointless although you’ll need a fair bit of money. SPOILER WARNING This is a bit of a spoiler here as I’m going to talk about the end of the game so stop reading here if you don’t want to know about it. Once you’ve made your way through the sequences of Shay going from Assassin to Templar, and carried out all the tasks that have been asked of you, you end up in France where your last mission is actually the prologue to Assassins Creed Unity. The effort to key the game in to the future of the Assassin’s Creed franchise appears to be in full effect here and here’s hoping it stays ‘revolutionary’ for a long time to come. Summary So to sum up, the game is enjoyable even though it’s really short but it does fill in some backstory for other AC characters. It also does a good job of linking AC III, Black Flag and Unity. While not bringing many new things to the series it did introduce the grenade launcher and ship battles and hand to hand combat have been improved slightly. I’m disappointed that the diving missions had been taken away and that your health decreases if you’re in the water too long. Good Points – Interesting story from the Templar side and some background on some character from other AC games – Links up all 4 games quite nicely – Ship battles (gotta love them ship battles) – All characters kept their faces and no falling through the ground (the only glitch was when I somehow got stuck in a cupboard and had to fast travel outta there)

Bad Points – Extremely short for an AC game – Nothing really new added to the series – No diving missions Why a 7.5? It loses points for its short length and lack of anything new but it was good to the story from a different perspective. I really liked how it referenced and starred some of the other characters from the series and how everything tied together neatly to finish off the American part of the story.