#this has got loads of 'embarrassing mum&dad' energy about it I love it so much

[lardedallwithsweetflowers]

Jeremy Irons and Sinéad Cusack attending a Bee Gees concert in London, 1989

[lu-undy]

Un-alone, Chapter 6!

Here it is!

“Go to hell!”

“L, it’s me.”

Lucien jumped out of his sofa and it was so sudden that he knocked the bottle of vodka. It fell on the floor and spilled a bit before he managed to grope for it and make it stand up. He rushed to the door and opened it. 

“Hey.” Fred was standing there but before he could add anything, Lucien grabbed him by his collar and pushed him against the wall in the corridor of the hotel, outside his room. He was fuming with rage. “Wow! L? What the fuck?!”

In his surprise, Fred dropped the briefcase he was holding and it fell on the carpeted floor of the hotel corridor.

“Why did you never tell me?! Why?!” Lucien roared.

“About what?!”

“You know very well what!” Lucien pushed his knuckles harder against the wall and Fred’s throat started to feel really uncomfortable. 

“I-inside… P-please..?” The American pushed the air out of his mouth but his vocal chords couldn’t produce a sound.

Lucien kept him there, breathing fast not an inch away from his face, and Fred smelt the alcohol in his breath, because he could hardly smell anything else but alcohol… Eventually the Frenchman let go and both entered the suite. 

“Tom told me you went to see him and he gave you the file. So I thought I should come and see how you were doin’...” Fred adjusted his collar, trying to get the air he had been lacking a moment ago. “And I see you’re doin’ brilliantly…”

“Why not tell me straight away?” Lucien couldn't raise his eyes. If he did, he wasn't sure he would be able to contain his rage.

“Because you were head over heels for her and married her before any one of us could run checks on her! Besides, I’m not supposed to run checks on her, you should have done that yourself! What did you think about marrying a girl you knew nothing of?! You’re a goddamn spy and she could have been another one!”

Lucien sighed and grabbed the vodka, gulping down from the bottle straight.

“I mean, there’s no one else to blame but you! And it’s not like she played particularly hard or anything! No! It’s like you never bothered to check at all! Like you never bothered!”

“Is what the file saying true? All of it?” Lucien asked.

“Of course it is!” Fred shouted. “She used to go around, pulling money out of men she thought had loads of it! And the kids she had?! God bless! She had seven kids before your one, seven?! How did you not see any one of them?! She’d always do the same. Find a guy, get him to buy her anything she wanted, maybe get knocked up and married and go straight to a divorce, only to get the child support! L, she did that seven fuckin’ times before she met you! Seven fuckin’ times?!”

Fred was as mad as Lucien felt betrayed and disappointed at himself. 

“Did you never see any of the other kids?!”

“Non.” Lucien was beyond ashamed, his voice was at the other end of loud. 

“Goddamn it!” Fred went on. “She played you like a damn fiddle! And you never wondered how on Earth she came to agree to you fuckin’ off and leavin’ her alone for years? It was for her to go and get around other guys! Continue her business! It was perfect for her! She’d continue receiving your money, your gifts, whatever the fuck you’d send her, all the while playing with other guys!”

Fred slapped his own forehead. He had been walking in circles in the room while Lucien was on the sofa, drinking each time the heat of embarrassment was too much to handle. 

“For fuck’s sake! You’re supposed to be one of the best spies in the world!”

Lucien winced. Fred’s shouting on his drunk ears rang loudly and painfully.

“I did not want to risk it.” He whispered.

“What?” Fred turned to him and sat next to him on the sofa. 

“Part of me feared to know why she was insisting on going to the restaurant I was singing in, despite barely having the money for it. I… I just… I thought she...”

“Fuckin’ hell…” Fred shook his head. “The issue isn’t even just her. It’s the mess she left!”

Lucien lowered his head. He was still holding the bottle of vodka.

“You mean Jérémy?”

“Yeah, Jeremy and the horde of others…! Half of them has already spent some time behind bars and Jeremy bein’ the youngest, I wouldn’t be surprised if he’d follow them!”

Lucien shook his head. The weight of his mistake increased by the second. He let a hand sink down his face from his brow to his chin, pulling his skin down but not digging his nails in. Not in front of Fred. 

“Although I guess the fact that he was bullied to bits by his elder brothers helped, or maybe not…”

“What?” Lucien asked, turning his head to his colleague. 

“His brothers, or half-brothers. Did you see them? You must have, at the funeral.”

Lucien winced. Again, he failed himself. 

“You didn’t pay attention, did ya? Pfff, Lucian… What the hell, pal…? Yeah, maybe retirin’ is the best option for you…”

The Frenchman hated to hear it because he hated to hear the truth said so bluntly. Again. 

“Anyway, they’re all twice as big as Jeremy and they never played nice with him. Most of them work like their mum. They go around holdin’ whatever shady business they can. Drug dealing, minor thefts, whatever’s big enough to get you a few months in the shade. The poor last boy got no rest at home and became good with a bat…”

Lucien raised intense eyes to Fred. 

“For baseball I meant, calm down. I guess he releases what he can’t elsewhere there. And he plays it with other people, not his brothers, so I guess for him hitting a ball as hard as he can with a bat is as close as he can get to release whatever frustration he has.”

Lucien sighed and drank more. 

“What a mess.” He simply said. “And quite ironic.” Fred turned to look at the French spy. “I am the spy, the one no one should trust and I trust no one. I trusted her, only her, I… Pff…”

Lucien’s hair was messy and he was still wearing only black. A black shirt and black trousers. They looked crumpled and it pinched the American’s heart to see that such a professional and outstanding man could be that deeply fooled and lost. 

“You really loved her, eh?”

Lucien bit his lip and looked away to take another swig of the bottle. 

“Goddamn it…” Fred sighed and shook his head. “I don’t even know what I’d do if I were you… I mean… Can I be honest with you?”

Lucien raised tired eyes to him. 

“You did not feel the need to ask so far.”

“Yeah, right… Look, I don’t know what it feels like to realise that the one girl you like turns out to have played you for all your life. I don’t know what it feels like to be a dad but never be called “dad”. I don’t know any of these things and may God preserve me from all of it. But I’m damn sure that if I did know any of this mess personally, I’d want to retire, fly to the fuckin’ Moon and bury myself there.”

Lucien nodded, his head still lowered. 

“But I know you, L. Nevermind that girl, you’re good. You’re very good at what you do and that’s why you’re still there. You can only thank God that she wasn’t another spy and going after you or you wouldn’t be sittin’ here downin’ that bottle like you are. So listen, there’s two things you can do. One,” Fred extended his thumb. “You can fly yourself to the damn Moon and bury yourself there. Or,” He extended his index finger. “You can take up the one thing you know how to do and do it. I told you before and now you might understand what I meant a bit better: if you take up that contract, you get Jeremy a job, you get him off the streets and give him a chance to set his life straight. The boy’s not lost yet and he is half you, at least.”

“He hardly has anything of me. He does not know me.”

“Not yet. But you can change that. That’s maybe the one thing you can do to make this mess a bit better. Give that boy something to put his energy in that won’t lead him in the shade.”

Lucien shook his head. 

“Alright, alright, look. There’s something else cookin’ and it might be better that you take that up.”

Lucien leaned back on the sofa and threw his head back, staring at the ceiling.

“Remember back fifteen odd years ago, there was this guy that you Frenchies and us managed to get. It was all you in the end. He was dealin’ whatever he could lay his hands on but what really got on our nerves was the smugglin’ of kids through the border, girl kids…”

“Oui, I remember.”

“He got out.”

“What?!” Lucien’s head swooshed to Fred. “He escaped prison?!”

“Worse, he got freed.”

“How could you let him free?!”

“Hey, I didn’t but he managed to get himself released. Here’s the file.” Fred handed it to Lucien who opened it and squinted for the letters to stop floating around. The vodka did not help his vision...

“Hm. Well, I cannot say I understand this decision but what can we change in it?”

“Well, here’s the thing, the guy disappeared off the face of the Earth the second he stepped out of prison. We know he didn’t leave the country but that’s as far as we got.”

“So he is resuming his business or starting afresh, depending on his clientèle." Lucien answered and Fred couldn't but crack a slight smile. The French spy raised his eyes and saw it. "Why the smile?"

"Give you a file and you become the good old L again. It's funny."

Lucien's eyes went back to the file. 

"I presume you want to find his whereabouts?" 

"Yeah. HQ isn't happy not knowin' what he's up to."

Lucien pondered for a second where his mind rolled like a hamster in a wheel. 

"I will take it." He concluded. 

"Oh, really?"

"Oui."

"I don't need to convince you any more than that?" 

"Non." 

"Alright…!" Fred exclaimed enthusiastically. "Well then, if you need anythin'-"

"Where can I find my son?" 

Fred's eyebrows jumped. He took a split second to make sure he heard it right but seeing the determination in Lucien’s eyes thrilled him. He got a pen out of his jacket and scribbled an address on the file. 

“Anythin’ else you need?”

“Oui, an answer.”

“Yeah? What’s the question?”

“Why give this to me?”

“You just want me to say that you’re the best again, don’tcha?”

“Not necessarily.”

“Look, you’re the best at trackin’ people. Say what you want about it but that’s the borin’ truth of it. That’s your answer.”

Lucien lit a cigarette and slowly nodded. 

“Now, you’ll really take it and your son with you?”

“I need to take a shower. I trust you can show yourself out.” 

This was Lucien’s answer and Fred knew what it meant. 

“Before I go, I talked to Francis from gadgets and he told me to give you this.” Fred put his briefcase on the coffee table. “He said he kept it simple and classic, like you used to like it.”

Lucien nodded and Fred stood up before taking his leave and leaving the Frenchman alone. 

The shower lasted a long time. Lucien needed it to think. The white noise was an excellent stimulant for his brain and he closed his eyes, feeling the water continuously drip down his face, his hair sticking on it.

Marie had toyed with him completely. She had played him like a damn fiddle indeed, to quote Fred. And as Fred had said, it was all but Lucien’s fault. He should have run the usual checks, to try to understand why a woman who could hardly pay to go in such an establishment insisted on frequenting the place and going backstage to talk to him. It turned out, more than twenty odd years later, that it was not out of blind love, or because she had thought he could sing well. But what about the letter then? She did say that she needed to hear him sing? Had she lied about this? Had she sent letters to the other men she had fooled? Where did the lies begin and where did they stop? 

One thing was sure, she married him for nothing else but his money. Maybe his looks helped.

Like all the other women who looked up at Lucien with dilated pupils, it was only because they saw the charm and the green bills through his clothes and in his bank account. That, or they wanted to kill him. Nothing personal, some lady spies knew how to use their charms. 

Lucien sighed under the running water of the shower. His shoulders were hunched and he put a hand on the wall in front of him, just to make sure to not lose his balance. 

There were a few things he started to piece together and still some missing links. Marie going to a place she barely could afford was all a strategy and she did that to find targets from whom to suck money out, like a leech. On top of that, she made sure to come and show only a few dresses, excusing herself for it, only to push him to offer her more. 

Everything from her was fake, everything from him was sincere.

All the gifts, all the letters he wrote with a trembling hand and a shaking heart, threatening to burst out of his chest… The countless drafts for each letter, trying to find the perfect words to describe his longing, the endless nights of solitude, keeping her souvenir in his head to try to sleep with a smile on his lips.

The money he sent to raise a boy, their son, his son.

She had also lied about him. 

Lucien did not want to show it in front of Fred but what his colleague told him contradicted Marie’s letters over the years frontally! She was saying that he was a brilliant little boy at school, that his teachers could not stop praising him and saw a bright future ahead of him, outstanding studies and a safe career…?

She had lied not only about her feelings, about their wedding, but also about someone who had asked nothing about this! The little boy was… He was…

Lucien opened his eyes under the shower water.

That little boy was the incarnation in flesh and blood of his mistake!

But Lucien wasn’t one who could hate him for it. The poor thing had asked for none of this. It wasn’t his fault and however hard Lucien tried, he couldn’t but feel something for the baby he had held and sung lullabies to.

If only....

If only Lucien had run checks on her, if only he had been a professional and not a hopeless romantic, if he had followed his head and not his foolish heart, yearning for a much quieter life, then he would have avoided all of this and the boy wouldn’t be wandering the Earth pointlessly! But no! After the war and on his way to America, the young man, even if very gifted for his craft, had to believe that most of the evil of this Earth had been purged. As if. As if...

In the end, it was his fault, as much as it was hers.

She tried, and he let her win.

But further than that, and the biggest part of the problem he was having with himself, was elsewhere. Non, the issue that he was trying to avoid because he did not know if he could stop himself, was him. 

Not him now, but him throughout all these years.

He had spent more than the past two decades living a lie. In his head, he had been a father, a husband, a heart bound by sacred bonds. Lucien wasn't very religious but on that day at the church, he had not lied! When the priest asked him if he would take care of Marie till death did them apart, the Frenchman had looked in the deepest blue of her eyes, where he saw his reflection, and had answered 'I do' with as much honesty as emotion. To him, he had tied his life to her!

But it all made sense now. As much as it hurt, it made sense. Thinking about it again and had the roles been reversed, he would hardly have accepted for her to leave him, travel the world most of her time and above all… He remembered a conversation with her that now took a whole other meaning.

“Marie, I… I cannot be married.” He took her hand. His was trembling with distress.

“Why? Are you already married?” She had taken a step away from him, as if she was disgusted by the idea that Lucien could have two ladies at the same time. Gosh, the talents of the most brilliant actress she had…

“Non, but… My job requires me to not be faithful, to sometimes share my bed with other people.”

Her eyebrows had jumped.

“You mean as a singer?”

“N-non. My real job is not a singer, but it requires me to be one now.”

Lucien now understood how on Earth she could have suggested a marriage that fast.

“What is your job?”

“If I told you, you would leave me.”

“No, Lulu…” She had cupped his face and looked in his eyes with hers, filled with lies. “It’s alright. Whatever your job is and even if you have to sleep with other people, I don’t care.”

Lucien’s eyebrows had jumped and tears had come to his eyes. In his enamoured eyes, he had accepted everything, he had let her guide his needs, guide his decisions, guide his everything… And if she accepted such harsh conditions, he had taken it for unconditional love and respect, not for anything suspicious. He thought she loved him as much as he loved her, madly, to the point of forgetting any and everything around him. Forget himself even, forget he was a spy, forget lies were something that he used so frequently, forget that they could be used against him. Non, with Marie, he was Lucien the husband, Lucien the man, Lucien the nobody, the normal Lucien. 

And he loved it, he revelled in it and adored her for it.

Finally, finally! Someone didn’t see him as a means to an end! They didn’t see him as an agent, as a blade, as a disguise, as a shadow of smoke.

Ha. The irony. 

Lucien was a spy, he was an expert liar, manipulator, a machine of deceit and cunning plans. And what other spies failed to do so far, what the war didn’t manage to do as he was a young man, what no one yet had managed to do, she did. 

How could he have let himself fall without a safety net…?

Worse than all of it. He had been living in a fairy tale of his own. Marie had never been his the way that he made himself hers. She had used him for the money and Jérémy was only a safety plan, in case Lucien wanted to sign out too soon for her to collect her prize. Beyond the heartlessness of it all, Lucien realised that he hadn't found a saint of a woman at all. He hadn't found a pearl rare enough that she profoundly trusted him, gave him a chance at being what his mind could barely thank her enough for: being a family man. 

He was working his head off for her and for their son who, as it turns out, was only a means to an end for her. Did she even see Jérémy as a baby at all? Or was he nothing but guaranteed money? 

Lucien put a hand on his chest. It disgusted him and maybe - maybe - in the grand scheme of things, maybe that was what he deserved. Him, the one who manipulated and got countless people to share a night with. Maybe that was only fair that sometime, somewhere, someone would manage to fool him. 

The Frenchman shook his head under the shower. 

And Fred knew about it. The Americans knew about it. The whole world knew about it. 

Anyone could blackmail him for this and Fred certainly did. Anyone could force him to do anything they wanted knowing that about him, and it had already started. His reputation as an outstanding spy, a war hero, a liberator of France; all of it now dangled from the ends of a twenty-odd year old ongoing lie. 

A woman, a nobody, had managed to manipulate him, to get him to do whatever she wanted. 

"Mon Dieu…"

Lucien stopped the shower and dried himself quickly. He put a black suit on, only the shirt was white. As he adjusted the cufflinks, he went to sit on the sofa and opened the briefcase. Francis from gadgets had prepared these, huh? Francis was a great engineer. What Fred called “gadgets” was the research and development department. They conceived and fabricated all kinds of custom weapons and equipment for the spies to use. 

Lucien retrieved a pistol, a suppressor, a revolver, some ammunition and oh, there was a plastic packet. He lit a cigarette and opened it. 

“Ah.” He couldn’t hold back a sigh and an almost nostalgic grin. 

He slipped the pair of black gloves on and emptied the rest of what the packet contained on the sofa. Fake glasses, a make-up kit, a fake beard, fake moustaches and…

“Le masque.”

[The mask.]

Lucien took it in his hand and looked at the balaclava. It had been ages since he had last put it on; ages being since he set foot in America, almost a month ago now. He put the mask down and looked at the fake beard and moustaches. He didn’t need them, his own had grown over the past weeks. Lucien looked at his reflection on the cigarette case. Any hair he had on his face was tainted with grey streaks, including his beard of course. 

He shook his head and got himself ready. He put all these items away and slipped his cigarette case and his blade in his pocket. Before exiting the suite, he made one last trip to the bathroom to fix his hair and stare at himself. First impressions always matter a lot. 

Even if you give them more than twenty years later. 

[chill-that-ur-inmyhead]

Are you currently wearing anything red?

my red nail polish

Have you had a deep conversation with anyone today?

nope

What would you say is the most disgusting thing you’ve ever tasted?

not a fan of christmas pudding but would I say its the most disgusting thing ever? hmmm probs not maybe I need to try more foods and get back to you

What was the last food you got a random craving for?

toast, but that is a daily occurrence

Has anyone/anything made you angry recently?

yes.... I arranged to stay with my friend for a weekend to which she announces that she has also arranged for another one of her friends to stay. So instead of telling her friend that she’s busy, this friend is gonna crash and it made me angry because I wanted to spend the weekend with her, I don’t mind meeting her friends but now they’re gonna be there 24/7. I made my peace with it now

Who did you last go to the cinema with?

probs the same friend mentioned above haha

What was the last song that got stuck in your head?

Little Big Town - Better Man

When was the last time you listened to it?

the other day

Who was the last person to say something thought-provoking?

my friend questioned our group if we think we’re fat phobic so we had an open discussion about it and it got us thinking

On your Facebook friends list, who was the last person to have their b-day?

who knows

How old were they?

probs 22 or 23

What did you/are you having for dinner tonight?

I had steak, yum

Is your best friend in a relationship?

I have a few close friends, some are dating and some aren’t, tis a mixture

How old were you 5 years ago?

17

What is something you enjoy doing, but aren’t good at?

dancing, hehe

Who was the last person you talked to, whose name started with ‘C’?

probs Cara :)

What colour are that person’s eyes?

brown

Name some healthy foods that you enjoy eating.

CUCUMBER FOREVER

What is your favourite Studio Ghibli film?

hmm haven’t seen many Studio Ghibli films but Howl’s Moving Castle was a rollercoaster, note to self: watch more Studio Ghibli creations

Do you have a favourite hair accessory? What does it look like?

yes and no, I love using sunglasses or normal glasses to push my hair back so its both a hair accessory and isn’t

What’s your favourite type of insect?

one that leaves me alone

What’s your LEAST favourite type of insect?

slugs

Who was the last person you Facebook messaged?

Laura!

What’s his/her favourite food?

I do not know haha

Did you have a good day yesterday? What did you do?

hmmm it was a stressful day, my dad and brother were driving up to join us for my grandad’s 90th over the weekend but they broke down on the M1 and took the car back to home in a lorry. mum was stressed and I was sad that we wouldn’t have use of our car to travel back in 

When was the last time you went to a fancy dress party?

have I ever? maybe when I was like 10

Who/what did you dress as?

witch?

What genre was the last film you watched? Did you like it?

FANTASY - I re watched Narnia Prince Caspian and oh wow 

Have you made a sandwich today? What did you put on it?

nope I had a salad

Do you remember the last time you overheard part of a random conversation?

nope, I do like to eavesdrop but can never remember what I hear

Did it make you feel awkward?

nah, I doubt it

What were you doing at 10 o'clock this morning?

showering

How many vowels are there in your first name?

3

What was the last song you listened to? Does it mean anything to you?

Taylor Swift - right where you left me. It reminds me of my last relationship and it’s literally just ONE moment it reminds me of because the song is about the narrator being left at the restaurant and I can just vividly see the moment when my partner and I went for korean bbq. He didn’t leave me at the restaurant and I don’t know why the song would remind me of that moment besides it being at a restaurant. Crazy how taylor works her magic

What flavour was the last cupcake you ate?

tomorrow evening I’ll be able to tell you because we have cupcakes for my Grandad’s 90th :)

When was the last time you complimented a stranger?

in a pandemic? pfffttt hardly spoken to anyone let alone a stranger

What’s your favourite milkshake flavour?

nutella and oreo

Have you had an interesting or amusing dream recently?

nope they’re all stressful and weird

Do you know how old your favourite actor is?

27

Is there anything worrying you right now?

yes

If so, have you talked to anyone about it?

I want to but I just can’t bring myself to

Is there anything you desperately want, that you can’t have?

bread

When will you next see your best friend?

a couple weeks time but we keep in touch every day

Apart from sleeping, what do you plan to do tonight?

read

What’s the age difference between your parents?

5 years

You can only have one flavour of ice-cream for the rest of your life. Which do you choose?

chocolate always

Are there any foods you’ve been craving, or eating a lot of, just recently?

I always crave yoghurt so situation normal there

When was the last time you wanted to do something, but didn’t do it?

I wanted to drive my dad and brother back from the station

Why did you choose not to do it?

I knew it would cause a fight with my mum so I let it go

When was the last time you ate an apple?

within the last week for sure

What’s the nicest thing your best friend has ever said to you?

it’s not something they say once it’s more that they keep coming back to say more nice things :)

Have you ever experienced a hangover?

yep

What was the last food or drink that you tried for the first time?

blood orange gin

Did you like it?

yes

What do your friends think of the person you’re currently interested in?

I’m not interested in anyone rn

Name one of your favourite foods, that starts with the letter ’S’

sausage!!!!

The last time you hung out with your sibling(s), what did you do?

waited for my parents in the car whilst our parents went food shopping

Who was the last blue-eyed person you spoke to?

padre

Is there a person you’d like to speak to right now?

I hope to get a response from Rena soon but I can wait

Why that person, specifically?

She has organised a party and I need more details haha

When you woke up this morning, what was on your mind?

It is spider season :/

At this moment, what are you most looking forward to?

CAKE (for my grandad’s 90th bday) and ofc seeing the extended family

Do you have any scented candles in your home? What scent(s)?

I do, sea salt, bergamot & another one from & other stories

Are you planning any special outings with family or friends?

YES my grandad’s bday dinner is tomorrow

Who were the last 3 males you talked to?

my padra, mon frere and Yao

Do you ever wear lipstick? What colour(s) do you prefer?

either nudes or deep reds, difficult to not look like a clown in the latter, that is always the fear

If you have a pet, when did you last pet him/her?

I don’t :(

Do you have a favourite Celine Dion song?

nope

Name one of your favourite foods, that starts with the letter ‘C’

chicken!

Does the person you love/like have a car? What colour is it?

I’m sure Timothee Chalamet does not sure what colour

Have you ever received a compliment on anything you’re wearing?

yes

Have you had any caffeinated beverages today?

nope

What was the last alcoholic drink you tried for the first time?

blood orange gin 

Did you like it?

yes

Have you eaten any chocolate today? What kind?

so much

The last person you kissed - are they older or younger than you?

older

When was the last time someone wanted you to do something, and you refused?

mum wanted me to not have so much smoothie but I wanted the smoothie haha

What’s your favourite feature of the person you’re currently interested in?

nobody right now but I always notice a nice smile and kind eyes

How many people have you hugged today?

loads! twas my grandad’s 90th bday - we had the whole family come to celebrate

Do you have a favourite hair colour or eye colour on your preferred sex?

I don’t

Do you remember the first CD you ever bought?

it was probably taylor swift’s 1989 album. If it was the first CD I ever bought I dont know but I sure remember buying multiple copies of 1989 to get the polaroid collection

Is there anyone on your mind atm?

not in particular

The last song you listened to - does it remind you of anyone?

nope

Is your birth year an odd or even number?

odd

Have you eaten any of your favourite foods today?

CAKE!

What did you have for lunch yesterday?

fish finger salad!! I hope I’m never too old for fish fingers

Who was the last person you Facebook messaged?

Laura

How many different towns/cities have you lived in?

4

What are your parents’ middle names?

Steven & Anne

Are your eyes the same colour as your sibling’s?

nope

How many pets do you have? Would you like any more?

I don’t have any! we used to have bunnies and I would love some more again

Do you prefer still or sparkling drinks?

depends on the mood

Is there a song you can’t stop listening to atm?

Little Big Town’s Better Man is on repeat rn

Did you have a strange or interesting dream last night?

nope

Which friend do you confide in most?

I kinda tell the world my problems hehe

Who was the first male you talked to today? What colour are his eyes?

either my dad or brother, dad has blue eyes, brother has brown

Are you wearing any accessories in your hair? Describe them.

nope

When was the last time you felt ill? What was wrong?

I caught this WEIRD bug that would just make me feel awful all of a sudden and then drained my energy. It was unlike anything I’ve ever felt it made me miss the normal cold

If given the chance, would you change anything that’s happened today?

the food came later than expected so I would change how much breakfast I had

Who was your first best friend? Do you still speak to that person?

nope

Do you like your middle name, or does it embarrass you?

It fits my name

Are you wearing anything that was given to you as a gift?

nope

Have you received any compliments about your appearance today?

yes! my auntie said I looked like a doll and how much I’ve grown since we last saw each other!

Have you ever written a song or poem for someone special?

nope

Have you ever had an argument with the last person you text messaged?

probably

What colour is your shampoo bottle?

pink

Are you attracted to the last person you Facebook messaged?

she is wonderful but I am not attracted to her in that way haha

Do you have any ice-cream in your freezer? What flavour is it?

chocolate & raspberry 

Have you spoken to any of your neighbours today?

nope

[punkscowardschampions]

Lola & Astrid

Lola: [come in to get your tattoo then, which is on the back of her neck/shoulder blade moment which isn't the worst but I think it vibrates on those bones pretty hard, also the embroidery technique/colour will make it worse/more time, overall vibe a sassy, confident bitch but lowkey nervous on this tattoo] Astrid: [I like to think she's already in there and probably has been for hours because whether it's big or small on this occasion they obvs let her stop whenever she wants and for as long as she wants cos they know her so we just chilling with the dog BFF who goes everywhere with her lowkey and both having a drink of water casually so the dog can go up to her like hey gal] Lola: [have loads of pictures of her with dogs and cats, so gonna say we're an animal hoe and gonna be extra over this lil dog then AFTER you've stroked and loved upon it 'Shit, I've not distracted it, have I? I'm so sorry' like when you aren't meant to with blind people service dogs] Astrid: [just straight up talking to this dog like she's a person like are you okay, do you wanna go and the dog's like nah I'm fine by giving a Lola a toy or something like I think we should play with this gal] Lola: [straight up throwing this toy like we aren't in a tattoo shop like please be careful, probably getting told off by a grumpy tattoo dude and just loling like whoops 'cos the kind of carefree hoe we are 'what's your name?' but we are talking to the dog] Astrid: [being like 'did you forget we like rules?' @ the dog as if she caused this trouble herself and full naming her like a cross mum but we not cross we're more playful about it because autistic bants] Lola: ['so distinguished, suits you madam' and shakes her paw, then touching one of Astrid's leg tattoos as is clearly ground level with this dog rn 'that's gorgeous, how many do you have?'] Astrid: [when you an affectionate af person but you don't know her like that so then you can't answer that question and she must think you're being so rude sorry gal, but let's say the tattoo person answers for you cos probably did most of them but not all so gets it wrong so then you have to answer whatever the right number is] Lola: [you really shouldn't grab people but that's the kinda hoe you are so that's the vibe lol, undeterred but do let go of her leg thanks, just talking about ALL the tattoo ideas you have] Astrid: [at least you can likewise go off about that babe because they are literally another thing you collect/comforts you and makes you feel safe so like you always wanna get more, try not to actually talk over her and listen but it's okay if you do, she'll get over it] Lola: [just listening intently anyway and bowing to her superior knowledge on it 'cos you wanna get more even though you have yet to start this one and are gonna be sobbing in a sec lolll, very seriously turning to the dog 'Winnie, will you hold my hand?' then turning back to Astrid and rolling her eyes 'my girlfriend was too shamed to be seen with me'] Astrid: [just going OFF about aftercare too before she's even started this tattoo because as far as you're concerned there is only one right way to do it and everything else is wrong and a huge no, the grumpy tattoo dude from earlier who Lola's gonna end up having is just gonna try and be like nah she's wrong, this this and this is fine but shh sir tbh. The dog just grinning through all this cos she's buzzing about the energy 'She's not ever going to be heavy enough for proprioceptive stimming but it's still calming when she lies with you, she's soft and she smells nice, does that make sense?' her confused face when she then doesn't understand what she means about her girlfriend not wanting to be here though like um why] Lola: [just ignoring the man like the true lesbian you are, be careful girl, nodding 'total sense, Miss Winifred is a vibe' and giving her an approving sniff like yes 'it smells like bleach in here' probably a good thing babe but we're not happy lol 'ugh, 'cos she's so tough and I'm going to embarrass her' shakes her head like oh girlfriends] Astrid: [repeating back to Winnie that she's a vibe because you like the sound of that thank you but whatever you're gonna say about how it smells in here is interrupted by grumpy tattoo dude complaining that it's because Astrid always has to OTT clean up the station etc and blah before they start, like don't out her like that sir and don't be a dick so we're not happy about his vibe rn] Lola: ['you should be happy she's doing the hard work for you' even though we were the one complaining about the smell, we're not about it] Astrid: ['he's not a happy person' hahaha suck it sir] Lola: ['that's so sad, what happened?' oh gal] Astrid: [just telling her this dude's life story like he's not right there because we don't understand sarcasm bye] Lola: [when you weren't even being sarcastic but you were not expecting her to reply and you know he's not gonna be thrilled so you put your finger to your lips like shh but smiling at her so she knows you aren't being a dick like stfu] Astrid: [being like oh do you want some quiet, like offering to get them to turn down the music they always blast in tattoo places] Lola: ['can we change the station?' like this rock shit is not a #vibe honey and getting out your phone and aux cord from your bag] Astrid: [just like 'it's not a vibe [name of your tattoo gal] can we change it to a vibe?' because we're saying vibe now and obvs this woman will cos she's a good egg] Lola: [putting on your femme gay girl bubblegum pop playlist like every other person in here/grumpy tattoo man is going to be taking the piss but we aren't aware 'cos we're that bitch and just dancing around like it's the clerb] Astrid: [Astrid and Winnie are vibing, picking this dog up like do you wanna dance lil queen as if we're not in the middle of a tattoo sesh] Lola: [hyping them up in a very yasss queen manner and then getting interrupted by this dude being like are you done pissing about and just twerking at him like mwah 😘 as you climb your ass up onto this bench, then being like 'WINNIE, I NEED YOU' very dramatically with grabby hands and all, this man like oh my god] Astrid: [we're loling at her antics and then putting Winnie on her lap because this angel will look after you gal so we can finally get some more of our own tattoo done] Lola: [good incentive not to drop this dog or shriek in her ears gal, 'cos gonna be so OTT about this pain obvs, all of this painting a picture as why your butch tatted gf did not wanna be here, just 🥺🥺🥺 at Astrid 'does it hurt you?' 'cos gf popping off like it doesn't which is a lie like when people say childbirth doesn't like admit it even if you can hack it] Astrid: ['not as much as other things' because we matter of fact about it instead of being like her girlfriend and pretending nothing is happening here] Lola: [we aren't really listening anyway just talking to talk here 'beauty is pain'] Astrid: [just repeating that like hmmm idk ' you're saying you feel more beautiful now, they'll want to put that on the signs outside'] Lola: ['They've got better promo' and giving Astrid's tattooist a look, 'cos the insecurity jumped out when pain] Astrid: [just going off about how much you like it here and you've told everyone about it like lol peeps have said they should pay me] Lola: ['yours are so cool' and asking her why she got that one and when etc etc] Astrid: [telling her everything even if like some of this shit is personal like tell me those roses aren't because of Ro you can't] Lola: [when you're an oversharer so you are 1. not phased by this 2. can say how this is for your abuela who's dying] Astrid: [genuinely is upset about this and asking loads of questions about her like obvs how old is she but also about her as a person and what she likes and how she was living before this] Lola: [we was already crying from the pain so you know, just carry on lmao, telling her that you live with her, that she's your only family and she's a bomb cook and she loves you even though you're gay and you go to bingo together on Thursdays] Astrid: [when you're just like are you gonna live with your girlfriend and cook together and go to bingo with her] Lola: ['I don't know' big sigh 'Do you live with your dad?'] Astrid: [hardcore like BUT WHAT WILL YOU DO because we're so upset about this like we can't answer your question until we get one that's okay here] Lola: [reaching over like hey it's okay 'I'll work it out'] Astrid: [just like oh yeah I do live with my dad btw after ages has passed and she's probably forgot she even asked but we needed a sec there] Lola: ['what's he like?'] Astrid: ['he's weird but not like I'm weird, just not how everyone says a dad should be-' trying to find a way to word wtf Drew is like lol 'he doesn't like rules or keeping things clean oh and he's a really shit driver who plays music too loud and he dresses too young'] Lola: ['sounds like every dude I've ever met' lols, wiping her tears 'has he always been like that or is it a midlife crisis moment?'] Astrid: [lols too because oh Drew you hot mess 'he fell out of his pram and wasn't claimed for 7 days'] Lola: [nods solemnly 'mine too'] Astrid: ['but he makes sure my food doesn't touch and never makes me eat anything I know will be fucking gross and he took me to go get Winnie' like but I do love him] Lola: [gives Winnie love and smiles 'not all bad then' pauses 'mine used to take me to ballet, and never get bored of me showing him my routines'] Astrid: [just going off about this Barbie ballet movie called Barbie and the pink shoes like have you seen it because I figure why not have dolls as a special interest, thanks Ro, though she'd fuck with Bratz and Monster High more] Lola: [talking about the red shoes 'cos assumedly what it is based on and saying you'll look up the Barbie version online 'when Ren is at work'] Astrid: [just chatting about it to the point that she doesn't even need to see it cos you've told her everything but letting her know that Barbie isn't your fave and making sure she knows what you fuck with more like this is vital info okay] Lola: ['Like Yasmin is technically the Hispanic queen like me but I do be looking more Jade and she fucks with cats so ME' 'cos definitely a girl who was into dolls and the bratz are making a resurgence in the culture anyway huns] Astrid: [we're living a life where we only accept the OG's so of course she gotta be that blonde hun who is described as wide-eyed and bubbly and loves her friends more than anything in the world so pop off but we not fucking with soccer and we gotta let Lola know] Lola: ['I see it' like just being like you're an angel there nbd] Astrid: [being like I do support cheese pizza ONLY but thai curry wtf] Lola: [loling like 'food isn't food unless it has at least two carbs and all the cheese you can throw at it'] Astrid: [just listing off everything Jade likes in the known world like do you like these things or no] Lola: [replying like this is a vogue 73 questions I bet tattoo dude is delighted lol] Astrid: [we're having fun here sir excuse you] Lola: ['do you have a Jade in your group already?'] Astrid: [The calming force that she is, Winnie is the group's Yasmin, she can handle a sob story, as you've seen so that's wrong' looks at her like soz gal I know you're offended 'my other best friend is most like Sasha, I don't know if I'm allowed to say that when she isn't black though'] Lola: [looks around at how white everyone here deffo is like I won't tell on you, claps her hands like yay 'we can be friends then'] Astrid: [when you're clearly buzzing about this, giving her your phone like this is my number take it thank you] Lola: [saves it as angel, oh that won't cause any drama with your gf no no lol, taking the tattoo dudes biro or whatever and being like hold out your hand? but thankfully NOT just doing it 'cos she may not vibe gal] Astrid: [at first is like ?? because hasn't connected the dots of what she wants her to do and why but then is like oh okay and does] Lola: [being like to the tattoo lady 'now make it permanent' loling like hohoho] Astrid: [loling 'when I know you better' like we considering this] Lola: [so flattered like omg me and blowing kisses] Astrid: [gotta get some more water cos we recognising that we're getting a bit too buzzing rn so obvs asking her if she wants some] Lola: [just like lifesaver 'cos we been crying so hard over here lol] Astrid: [gotta get some for Winnie too even if she don't want because that's a routine hun] Lola: [live your best life babe you deserve it] Astrid: [let's say her tattoo is then finally done and she abruptly leaves like it was nice to meet you I gotta go now bye because it kills me how they all did that on that show every time] Lola: [the only time you've been shooketh 'cos you'd be a hang around saying bye for ages bitch] Lola: WHERE DID YOU GO?! Astrid: hOmE Astrid: is YOuR tattOO fiNishED? Lola: [sends a progress picture she's made that man take lol] Astrid: 25-30 miNS leFT Lola: yeah? Lola: 🙌 I am about to PEE my pants Astrid: iT'LL bE lONgEr wiTH BreAks but YOu Wont bE alloWED bacK iF yOu dONt TakE oNE foR THaT Lola: 😄 I did a little but we've had no leaks Lola: got my big girl panties on Astrid: 👙 is A GooD iDeA tOooooOOOOO Lola: so NOT letting him do my underboob though Astrid: nO ⛔ no ⛔ Lola: the chick you were with seemed kinda cool though Lola: not gonna write off the whole shop Astrid: 🌟 ✨ sHE MAkEs me fEEL coMFoRTaBLe 🌟 ✨ Astrid: thE reVIeW Astrid: & thE VIBE Lola: love that Lola: don't know how he can do such colourful work and be so sad ❤️ 🧡 💛 💚 💙 💜 🖤 🤍 🤎 Astrid: van GOGH? Astrid: 🌻🌻🌻🌻👂💛💛 Lola: 🤯🤯🤯 Astrid: Do thEy ShARE a SOUL doEs thAT maKE senSE? Astrid: hMMMM Lola: reincarnation baby Astrid: dO you BEliEVE in it? Astrid: a BIG quESTion Lola: I think it's technically a ❌❌❌ Lola: but I think it's cool Lola: like past lives, all the AMAZING people in history you could've been Astrid: I DonT unDERstAnd wHY is iT ❌❌❌ if YoU liKE iT? Lola: Jesus and Abuela 💘 Lola: 💀 is very important to us Astrid: oHhhhhhhH Astrid: hEAvEn ☁👼☁ Astrid: mY muM taUGHt mE about THat Lola: 🧹🌻🦋🌞🍞 Lola: we believe souls come back, but not as other people, always themselves, even if they take a different form Lola: and they come back all the time, though Jesus hasn't come back YET Astrid: 👻👻👻👻 Lola: I can do an offering for your mum if you like Astrid: shE woULdNT coMe bACK for 🍞 Astrid: wHaT ElSe can THey be? Lola: you can put all the person's favourite things on their altar, you can skip the bread Astrid: 🕯🌹🕯🩺🕯🥀🕯🦴 Lola: wouldn't look out of place Astrid: sHe LiKEd DollS tooOOOO but thERe's No emoJi?? Lola: that's so RUDE Lola: did she get you into dolls, what was the first one you got? Astrid: 🧚🏻 thoUGH & 🔮 & 🧙🏼 Astrid: [sends her a picture of some creepy doll because of course she still has it and cue a huge ramble about everything possible about this doll like soz gal you didn't ask for that level of detail] Lola: looks like la catrina's 👶 Lola: I like it Lola: what doll would your mum be? Astrid: [when you disappear forever lowkey to do all the research you can about that just falling down a rabbit hole without saying bye] Astrid: ❤️ 🧡 💛 💚 💙 💜 🖤 🤍 🤎 💀❤️ 🧡 💛 💚 💙 💜 🖤 🤍 🤎 Astrid: eVErYoNE is EqUAL in tHE eND Astrid: loVE that Lola: right?! Lola: we STAN an inclusive queen Astrid: caNT waIT tO TeLl mY otHER bFf she is GOiNg to bE so ExCitEd Lola: do you bake? I will send you a recipe for some sugar 💀 cookies Lola: i always loved decorating them Lola: and eating them, duh 😋 Astrid: I dOnT know hOw TO dO that Astrid: ❌❌❌ Lola: I can make them, if you wanna meet up again Lola: or come teach you, that would be fun Astrid: here? Lola: if you want Lola: you could come to mine but you'd have to meet abuela and that might be a LOT ??? Astrid: iTs nOT a ⛔ no if weRe frIeNds Astrid: i THinK yoU couLD bE heRE Lola: I'm a good guy, I promise Lola: I'll be super polite and say please and thank you and take my shoes off Astrid: buT 🍭 🍬 🧁  🍫 🍩 🍪 🍨  wILl maKE mY mum 😢 oR 😡 iF sHE is a 👻 Astrid: 🤫 Lola: it's all about celebrating life anyways Lola: what's better than tasty food Lola: my mother was the same though Lola: but abuela loved food because it made people 😄🥰 she didn't care if it made you fat too Lola: plenty of time to be 💀🦴s Astrid: hMMMmmm Astrid: 👌 Astrid: I wAnt to BE 😄🥰 Lola: maybe your friend would like some too Lola: not Miss Winnie though, too much sugar for 🐶 Astrid: IlL exPLain Astrid: sheS vERY 🤓 Astrid: thATs sMArt noT an INsult Lola: I could tell Lola: I very much enjoyed meeting her Astrid: & mE? Lola: OF COURSE you, gurl Lola: you were so nice and helpful Astrid: 😀 😃 😄 😁 😆 😅 😂 🤣 Astrid: thANKs Lola: you're welcome ❣️ Lola: are you from here, I like your name, it's unusual Astrid: I dOnT liKE to bE reFErRed tO bY it Astrid: it maKEs mE FeeL liKe PeOPLe ARe 😤 😠 😡 Lola: oh no, I'm sorry Lola: is there anything you would like me to call you instead? Astrid: ...... Astrid: I doNt KnOw Lola: no probs Lola: don't need to call you anything we'll manage just fine without 🙃 Astrid: iS thAt aN oKaY anSWer? Lola: of course it is! Lola: it wouldn't be okay for me to call you a name you didn't like, that's just rude Lola: my gf HATES the name she got as a 👶 so she changed it Astrid: liKe @ scHoOL Astrid: I goT caLLed loAds of namES thERE Astrid: 👿 👹 👺 🤡 💩 👻 💀 ☠️ 👽 👾 🤖 🎃 Lola: 😢👎 Lola: school SUCKED Lola: you're cool Astrid: thEy jUsT doNt unDERsTand mY 🧠 Astrid: mE eiTHeR mE eiTHeR Lola: who does Lola: still don't have to be a 🍆 Astrid: eVErYoNE is EqUAL in tHE eND Astrid: ❤️ 🧡 💛 💚 💙 💜 🖤 🤍 🤎 💀❤️ 🧡 💛 💚 💙 💜 🖤 🤍 🤎 Lola: that's what I'm talking about Astrid: yOu aRe GoiNg To LikE mY aUntY 🧠 ❤ 👀 Astrid: bUt U CaNt bRInG hEr HeRE foR 💀🍪 Lola: why not? Astrid: mY DaD & hER ❌❌❌ Lola: family drama Lola: say no more Lola: abuela only talks about my mother when she wants to cuss her out, and that's her daughter so 🤷 Astrid: hEs BaD buT nOT to ME? I doNt unDERstAnd hoW thAT iS suPposED to maKE seNse Lola: you're special to him Astrid: BuT whY aREnt my SiSTeRs sPEcial toOOOo? Astrid: beCausE theIR muMs aRE dIFFeRenT or Astrid: my BrOThEr haS anOTher DiffErent mUm agaIN Astrid: itS conFUsinG Lola: people are a lot of different things all at once, I think Lola: they don't all fit together right, it is confusing Astrid: wHEn yoU DiE aRE yOU NoOOO thiNGs Or moRE thinGS? Lola: Hmm Lola: I think more Lola: everything, and then the missing pieces make it all make sense Astrid: maybe they ARe tOOOoo sPEciAl then, THaT sisTER & ThOse mums dAD canT DeaL Astrid: hmmM Lola: could be Lola: being dead is meant to be easier than being alive, but it isn't perfect Astrid: & mY OthEr SisTER diDnt diE whEn sHe NeaRLY diD sO mAYBe heS coNFuSed AbOUT THat Lola: could you ask him? Lola: or would he be 😢 or 😡? Astrid: heS not my TaLking To pErsoN heS mY DoinG peRsOn Lola: that's important too Lola: sometimes it's actually better not having the answers Astrid: I sHOULDvE saID that @ scHOol Astrid: BettER not HAVinG thE anSWERS sORRy Lola: 😅 Lola: if ONLY Lola: I wouldn't say ANYTHING at school Astrid: I diDnT taLk unTiL aFter my mUm dIeD Astrid: moSTlY Lola: at all? Astrid: ❌❌❌⛔⛔ Lola: did you talk to your dad? Astrid: somE WoRdS Lola: the rest you just got what you needed in other ways Lola: that's cool Astrid: i THiNk it waS BaD oF mE Astrid: maYbe Astrid: .... Lola: but was it bad for you Lola: that's the important thing Lola: its frustrating when people don't understand you, but people get frustrated when they don't understand, even though they might not still when you tell them with words Astrid: iS thAT wHy yOU didNT talK @ sChooL? Lola: i took up too much space just being there Lola: without taking up the 💬 too Astrid: tOo muCh Space Astrid: hmmM Lola: that's what they thought Lola: basically Astrid: pEoPLe DoNt unDErstaND yOu Astrid: how mUch spaCE yoU neEd Lola: they don't like it ❌❌❌⛔⛔ Lola: i'm not trying to take other people's space though Astrid: tOO muCH iS ❌❌❌⛔⛔ Astrid: toOOOo mUch AnyTHiNG Lola: it is? Astrid: ItS 😢 or 😡 Astrid: itS beInG weIRd Lola: there's no such thing as too much 🐶😸 though Astrid: NeVEr!! Lola: exactly Lola: don't think there's any rules that you can stick to everything Lola: always exceptions Astrid: I wriTE liKe thIs beCauSe thOse rULes are Boring Astrid: loAdS of RulEs doNt maKe sEnSe Lola: I like how you write Lola: it's more interesting to read Astrid: yOu cAn Do iT toO if You waNT Lola: really? Lola: thanks, I'll try it out 😄 Lola: ITs actUallLY REAlLY hARd tO Be TOtallY raNDoM Lola: oTHER New RuLES poP UP in YOuR hEaD Astrid: ItS a VIBE Astrid: 😀 😃 😄 😁 😆 😅 😂 🤣 Lola: tOTAlLy Lola: LikE THOse nEwSPApEr RAnsOM notEs Lola: aEStheTIc Astrid: ??? Lola: you know in films, when a killer or a kidnapper sends the person a note, they cut up bits of newspapers and magazines so the note is all different fonts and sizes and stuff Lola: [examples Lola: I liKE ThAT LOooooooOOoOKk Astrid: OhHH WoW Astrid: cAn I sEnD YoU onE? Lola: THaTs whaT IT RemINDS mE OF Lola: UM yeS Astrid: TheY dO it So NoBoDy knowS itS from THem YeaH? Astrid: hoW wiLL you Know ItS from mE? Lola: YEah Lola: do the outside of it normal, so the postman isn't 😱 Lola: I nEVEr GeT 💌 Astrid: do the outside of it normal, so the postman isn't scared Astrid: do the outside of it normal, like this Lola: [her address] there you go Lola: a stamp and it'll be perfect Astrid: ThiS is ReAllY whERe U Live? Astrid: I knoW whEre tHiS is Lola: you do? Astrid: yEAH Astrid: itS By a SHop I lIkE Lola: maybe you could show me 🙃 Astrid: I JuST geT 🍓 thEn I LeAVe Astrid: thEY haVe to Be from ThEre Astrid: a RuLe Lola: nOW i waNt TO tRy SomE Astrid: diD yoUr GirLfrIEnD liKE youR TaTTOo? Astrid: I caNt STop THinkiNG aBoUT iT Lola: She lIKEs 🖤 🤍 bUT I seNT hEr ThE piC & She SAid wAs cUUUUUuUuUUuUuTeeeeeeE Astrid: iS shE gONna coMe wiTh yOU neXT timE? Lola: mAYb ❓🤔 Astrid: tHats noT 🖤 🤍 Astrid: sHe shOUld saY yeAH oR NO Lola: TrUuUuuUuUUUUUUUu Lola: I'll tell her Astrid: Do YoU lIkE haVinG a girlFRieND? Lola: 🤗 & 😘 R gOoOOoddD Astrid: ❓🤔 Lola: you like hugs and kisses? Astrid: PlaTOnic is DiFFeRent Astrid: i LikE theM thOUgh Lola: yeah Lola: with a girlfriend, you just get them all the time Astrid: ? ShE dOeSnt asK you ? Lola: she doesn't need to Lola: if I said stop she would Lola: it's just nice having a person around, is what I meant 🙃 Astrid: 👌 thAT maKEs SeNse Lola: do you like 🧑 or 👩 or none or both Astrid: 👩 👩🏻 👩🏽 👩🏾 👩🏿 Lola: hi-5 Lola: me too 😄 Astrid: but i DoNt have a GIRLfrieNd Lola: would you like one? Lola: we could go out 💃💃 Astrid: !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Astrid: yeAh Astrid: yOuRe a GooD 💃 Lola: YOU TOO ❤️ 🧡 💛 💚 💙 💜 🖤 🤍 🤎 Lola: I KNOW A BAR THAT WOULD LET WINNIE IN Astrid: yOU dO????????? Lola: i KNow tHe OWneR Lola: heS SO coOL Lola: and he has his own dog Finola who sings with him Astrid: I diDNT knOw dOGs coULd sING Astrid: WiNNie coULd hAVE a SeCRET talENt Lola: they do somewhere over the 🌈 it's very good Astrid: wheN cAN we Go? Lola: 😄 When are you free? this weekend? Astrid: FriDAY Lola: 👏 let's DO IT Astrid: 🕐 🕑 🕒 🕓 🕔 🕕 🕖 🕗 🕘 🕙 🕚 🕛 🕜 🕝 🕞 🕟 🕠 🕡 🕢 🕣 🕤 🕥 🕦 🕧 Astrid: ? Lola: 🤔 8? Astrid: To bE @ yOUr hOUse oR ThEre? Lola: we could get 🍓s first and eat them in the park Astrid: 😀 😃 😄 😁 Lola: 🙌 IT'LL BE FUN Astrid: WeRe bOTh eXciTed Astrid: 😆 Lola: 💃💃💃 Lola: have to plan my outfit Astrid: I liKeD uR ouTfit yOu werE weaRing Lola: you're so 🍧 🍨 🍦 🥧 🧁 🍰 🎂 🍮 🍭 🍬 🍫 🍿 🍩 🍪 thank you 😚 Lola: you looked amazing Astrid: I nEEd to dyE mY haiR a new ColOur Lola: have you done every colour??? Astrid: ⛔❌ 🖤 🤎 Lola: boring in comparison to the rest of the 🌈 Astrid: & hARd to GEt Out ❤️ & 💜 sTAY TooOO bUT thEY caN bE maDE inTo a PaTTeRN sO its Not 😢 oR 😠 Lola: 🦜 Astrid: BiRdS aRE weiRD Astrid: mY AunTy haS 🐓 & I ONLy liKE thEm WhEn TheYrE 🐤 🐣 🐥 Lola: DOES SHE HAVE ANY BABIES RIGHT NOW Astrid: yEaH Astrid: thEyre sOFt Lola: 🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺 that's so cuteee Astrid: doNt be sad shE wonT eaT thEM Lola: but i don't have any🐤 🐣 🐥 Astrid: IlL aSk heR iF you CAn Lola: our apartment is tiny Lola: wouldn't be fair for the poor chickie Astrid: YoU cOuLd VisIt THem Lola: I'll have to buy some 🌽 too Astrid: TheYll be YouR FRIEnds ToooOOOOo Astrid: loVe ThAT Lola: new friends are always welcome Lola: especially fluffy ones Astrid: WiNNie aGReeS Astrid: & saYs dOnT foRGet sheS the FLUFFiest Astrid: she gETs JeaLOUs Lola: 🤭 Lola: of course Lola: she's a babe Astrid: evERYoNe saYs I was wHEn mY brOTHer waS a 👶 bUT i Dont remeMBEr thaT Lola: aw, you helped out? Lola: that's so cute Astrid: 👶 NeED lOAds of HeLp Astrid: haVE yOu EVer heLd onE? TheY caNt suPPOrt their Own HeaDs Astrid: itS wilD Lola: I've actually never held a baby Lola: or really met one, which is weird, I'd never thought about that Astrid: !!!!!!!! Astrid: My FamILY iS SoooOOOOO BiG Astrid: 👶👶🏻👶🏼👶🏽👶🏾 Lola: do you like it? what's good and what's bad? Astrid: YoU aRenT evER aLOne Astrid: thatS gOod OR Bad Astrid: Good & BAD Lola: I can picture that Astrid: bUT itS FUn & LOud Astrid: you LiKe hugS so Youd likE it Lola: yeah Lola: I think so Lola: abuela was from a big family Lola: but it's just us here Astrid: WhERe aRE TheY aLL? Lola: her family? Lola: mostly dead Lola: the ones she would've known, sisters, brothers Lola: their kids are probably still in Mexico but she doesn't know any of them properly Astrid: Im SoRrY Lola: you don't have to be sorry Astrid: ItS saD fOR hER Astrid: I mEAn Lola: yeah Lola: she left a lot behind Lola: but she's been happy here Astrid: & YoURE haPPy? Lola: mostly and most days Lola: not 🖤 & 🤍 Astrid: nOT 🖤 & 🤍 Lola: nothing is ever perfect, is it Astrid: mAyBe WinniE is Astrid: 😀 😃 😄 😁 😆 😅 😂 🤣 Lola: I am willing to believe that and let her have it too 💝🐶 Astrid: [a happy picture of this dog like thank you I'm buzzing] Lola: an angel Lola: or princess, I should say Astrid: [a picture of this dog with some kind of tiara moment on because of course we can] Lola: 🙇 Lola: I'll find mine when I get home Astrid: YoU hAve One? Lola: duh gurl Lola: it's a vibe Lola: 👑🌈💃😘 Astrid: iT is A Vibe Lola: you know a vibe when you 👀 one Lola: i CaN TeLL Astrid: I haVE tO gO Astrid: doNT fORget FriDAY Astrid: @ 8 Astrid: 🍓!! Lola: Oh, okay Lola: Looking forward to it ✨

[angrylizardjacket]

M1 {Daniel Webber}

Summary: You and Daniel visit his family, and his mother is the one to pick you both up from the airport.

A/N: 1440 words. Ok so my home town is about an hour away from Daniel Webber's home town and I was traveling back to this weekend and it turns out you take the same Highway back to mine as you do to his and I saw the sign for it and I was like fucking Gosford and then I was like...... he's probably travelled on this highway, and then this idea seized me by the eyeballs and I wrote half of it half asleep in my childhood home and then half of it today after I got back to my uni home. I'm using talk to text so it's a bit rambling. anyway no warnings just sickly fluff and I also don't know anything about his actual family so this is all made up for fun, but if I, a suburban Australian, can't romanticise suburban Australia, like, who will? So yeah I wrote this on my phone, pretty sure it's not great, like genuinely I'm not super happy with it but it is what it is and it exists now.

His mother picks you both up from the airport. His manager had tried to insist on a personal shuttle to escort the two of you from the airport back to his family home, but his mother would not back down so easily. He has a place of his own, a car of his own, all in Sydney, but since you were only stopping in for a week for his dad's birthday, it seemed silly to take his car only to drive it back and store it again before you're off, jet setting back to America to start the press tour for The Dirt.

So now it's nearly five at night, and you've just landed. You stretch and yawn in the line for customs, having thankfully yet uncomfortably slept for the better half of the flight from LA to Sydney; business class seats are very nice, but they're not perfect. He's tired too, travelling always makes him tired, suitcase in one hand, the other holding his passport and the documents he'd had to sign on the plane to reenter the country. He presses a kiss to your shoulder, only for you to look at him in confusion, before your mind registers the moment and it fades through to a soft, fond smile.

You kiss him gently, a quiet moment shared in the 'no declarations to be made' line at immigration, too tired to care about the blatant PDA, nor the potential onlookers. He just grins when he moves back, steps forward in the line, and you're right beside him, leaning against him, excited beneath your exhaustion, to get to see his family and eat their home cooking again.

His dad always makes a mean barbeque whenever you and Daniel come back to his home town; his pineapple fritters are to die for, a family secret, he always says with an exaggerated wink. It makes you laugh and Daniel roll his eyes, though he's smiling too.

He'd been so nervous the first time he'd brought you to meet them, and it was awkward and a little bit tense for all of three minutes before his dad cracked a joke to which you'd actually, genuinely laughed; you were in.

Back in the present, his mum's waiting with a huge grin, waving and calling to you both as you descend the ramp from immigration to the departures collection point. She gives you both a big kiss on the cheek, talking a mile a minute, offering to take your things, asking if you need a hand with anything. Daniel assures her that you're both right, but you're still leaning against him, and you try to stifle a yawn.

"Please, sweetheart, at least let me take your suitcase; I know it's on wheels but I parked a fair ways away and you look so tired."

You don't even have the energy to fight her on this, though you're grateful when she takes the suitcase, leaving you with only your carry-on leave to deal with, which was far more manageable.

His mother talks a mile a minute, filling up the conversation enough for the three kg you without needing many interjections. Daniel adds an aside here and there as she updates him about the rest of the family, and she leans over with a kind smile, cutting you off where you're mid-yawn, mentioning how excited the rest of the family is to see you. Ducking your head to hide your embarrassed smile, you murmur about being excited to be back too, and she doesn't seem to require much more from you for the rest of the conversation, for which you're grateful; you're adjusting back to the Australian heat, and are still pretty tired, and at the very least she was good at recognizing and adapting to that.

Once at the car her chatter dies down as she pops the boot of the car and loads both your suitcases in. After a moment, she turns, sizing you both up, giving you a look you can't quite describe, before she wraps Daniel in a tight hug. He leans into it, hugging her back tightly, and then she's moving over to you, holding you just as tight as she did her son. It means something, like you're safe, like you're home, like something else sentimental you can't quite describe. You hug her back.

And then she's off again, shutting the boot and unlocking the rest of the car.

"You know, I'm so proud of you, Danny, but I always worry when you're away, I'm your mother, it's my job." She laughs a little and gets in the driver's seat, while you and Daniel climb in the back; he's in the middle, leaning forward a little to talk to his mother, and you're by the window seat, arm tucked into his as you look out the window to the parking garage, thoughts still a tired, hazy fog. "America's such a terrible place to be right now." His mother goes on to say, and neither of you in the back disagree, but then Daniel's off and talking about his next project that's set to start filming in Adelaide soon.

You're halfway out kg Sydney before his mother suggests getting something to eat, stopping for dinner since home was still a few hours away. Daniel stifles a yawn, waves her off with a smile saying you'd been fed on the plane. His mother makes a face at that, makes a comment about the quality of plane food, and though neither you nor Daniel necessarily disagree, you're too worn out to enjoy a restaurant meal. Taking one look at the both of you in the rear view mirror, his mother softens on the matter and agrees, gently assuring you that there would be food at home.

It takes time to get out of the rat race that is Sydney traffic at peak hour, and by the time you're on the first stretch of the M1 bound for home, the sun is well and truly sinking below the horizon, painting the landscape between the trees golden.

There's a dreamlike unreality to Australian highways at sunset, and when conversation dies down and his mother turns on the radio, you bask in it.

"I like coming back here with you," Daniel's voice is quiet. You're leaving against him, tucked into his side with your head on his shoulder, enjoying the world through the windshield where it's looking like an expressionist painting through your half closed eyes.

You hum, giving his arm a squeeze and turning to press a kiss to his shoulder in lieu of a real answer.

"You two are so cute," you can hear the smile in his mother's voice, can see the way her eyes crease with her grin as she glances back at you in the rear view mirror. You can't help but snicker, pressing your faintly embarrassed grin into his shoulder. Daniel's turning a little red.

"Thanks, Mrs Webber," you laugh sleepily, and Daniel presses a kiss to the top of your head.

"We'll be home in no time, dear," his mother adds, "but if you wanna take a nap, go right ahead."

The world dulls around you as you let your eyes drift closed, heeding her advice. Daniel and his mother's side chatter becomes as easy to tune out as the radio as you drift to sleep going down the highway.

When he looks down, sees you napping soundly, even in this less than ideal position, Daniel's heart softens. In a moment, he's got an arm around you, pulling you closer and into a more comfortable position. In your sleep, you make a quiet hum of appreciation.

"Love you," you mumble in your sleep, and he laughs quietly.

"Love you too," he assures, and gets a smile and another pleased him in return.

"Daniel," his mother says with a surprising amount of quiet seriousness once the moment had passed, and for a moment he's worried, though those fears are almost immediately alleviated, "I really like them; I know I don't say this a lot, but I'm proud of who you've turned into as a person, and I'm so glad you're getting to share that with Y/N." She pauses for a minute, grip still firm on the steering wheel add she looks out to the road, but she was smiling gently, "it warms my heart to see you so happy."

There a long moment of silence in which he can't help but grin, holding you a little tighter as he basks in the praise.

“I appreciate that, mum,” he says softly, “because, you know, I really think I made the right choice.”

[normalforglastonbury]

A Tranquil Oasis in the Heart of the Somerset Countryside.

James and Tara White got in touch to ask me to write about  Old Oaks Touring and Glamping Park. I was curious, although the Park is at the foot of the Tor and less than 2.5 miles from Glastonbury Town centre, I had never visited.

While Old Oaks wasn’t quite what I expected, having only experienced ‘glamping’ in a festival context and is certainly not what I’d think of as ‘Normal for Glastonbury’, I was to discover that those things are precisely what recommends it to thousands of visitors, who enjoy its tranquil surroundings and luxurious accommodation. Plus, it’s one of the most eco-friendly businesses in town, driven by James’s obvious passion for biodiversity, wildlife and the natural environment.

I asked James and Tara what they wanted from a post about Old Oaks, they knew that I don’t write straightforward advertorials for the blog, but I am interested in sharing pieces about people’s relationship with Glastonbury Town. It quickly became apparent that their main aim is to forge closer ties with businesses and creative people in Glastonbury. James said “We’ve got customers here, we want to maximise the benefit for the whole local economy”

A Short History of Old Oaks Touring Park

One of the Cedar Lodges at Old Oaks

James’s family have been in the area for “7 or 8 generations”. His grandad bought the 90 acre farm in 1918, and his mum and dad started the park in 1981, with pitches for just 5 vans. In 1987 they were granted a license for 40 pitches. It was a family park for 15 years, but children were often left unsupervised by their parents and would investigate the working farm, putting themselves in danger of falling in the slurry pit, or worse!

In view of this, and the lack of specific activities for children locally, it was decided to make the park a quiet, adults only site. At the same time, campervans and caravans were beginning to replace tents in popularity, so the grass camping pitches, which rapidly became muddy due to the heavy clay soil and frequent rain, were replaced with areas of hardstanding surrounded by generous swathes of lawn.

The Park covers 15 acres and has 100 pitches including 6 camping pods, 4 cedar lodges and 2 shepherd’s huts, with splendid views towards Wells Cathedral and the Mendip Hills. Nowadays, it is managed by James and Tara, although James’s Dad still helps out. James’s Mum and Dad still live next door and his brother Dan runs the farm, which supplies ethically reared beef and lamb to the likes of Stephens Butchers and the park’s own shop.

Years ago I’d heard grumbles from hippies in home-built campers that they’d had a less than friendly welcome from the owner (James’s Dad), so I was interested to discover how James, coming from such a long established local family, feels about the changes in the town.

He tells me that he and his brothers have grown up in (for want of a better word) ‘multicultural’ Glastonbury and he’s seen how many of the more ‘alternative’ in-comers have become part of the local economy. He praises Glastonbury’s wide choice of music, with gigs every night, the different coloured shops and the vibrancy of the town. He feels we don’t make enough of being a year-round destination, despite the fact that many people now take their holidays in every season, particularly loves the Frost Fair and thinks the Carnival should have activities going on all weekend, though he’s embarrassed by the town’s lacklustre Christmas decorations. He tells me their daughter loves Glastonbury and feels really lucky to have been bought up here.

I wonder what it was like for James growing up on a campsite, Tara tells me that when he was a young teenager, and the park still hosted families, he would inevitably check out the girl visitors of a similar age to him, but he’d also check their booking to see if they were staying around for long enough “to make it worth putting in the groundwork”. I can’t help thinking that this sort of forward planning put him in good stead to run a large and successful business. Nowadays James comes across as a very respectable, hardworking chap, but Tara also revealed that he was well known in his twenties, before he started working for the family business,  for occasionally “getting naked in the Rifleman’s Arms”.

James and Tara outside one of the Cedar Lodges

In her twenties, Tara would visit her sister who’d already moved to Glastonbury. on most weekends, drinking in the Rifleman’s Arms and finding Glastonbury a refreshing change from ‘Conservative, straight, boring Sussex’, Eventually she realised she was spending most of her earnings as a PA on petrol to travel to and from the town, so decided to move here.  She married James 13 years ago, but initially worked outside the family business, including a stint as a waitress in Nick Cottle’s ‘Monarch’ cafe, and then as a PA for Mendip District Council. She hadn’t wanted to get involved in the Park, but got pulled in after realising that PA work was ‘mind-numbingly boring’. She now loves her job, except for the endless paperwork, and shows clear delight in finding ways to offer guests unexpected special touches to make their stay more enjoyable.

James is the Head Gardener on site (as well as all his other jobs) and he proudly pointed out the razor-sharp neatness of the many hedges. I couldn’t help but ask if he was a Virgo, to which he replied: “It’s all a load of nonsense!”. He then had to admit that he is a Virgo and that I was the second person within a week to correctly guess his sun sign. Other people might attribute the success of the park to its being crossed by ley lines, but James leaves me in no doubt that, in his opinion, “there’s no such thing as leylines!” and besides, the park is clearly a product of many long hours of hard graft. Later, when I suggest that I am obviously more ‘cosmic’ than him he surprises me by revealing an interest in Chinese Medicine, because “it actually works!”

A Passion for Biodiversity

James and Tara take me for a walk around the site, the camping areas are in beautifully manicured gardens. I’m not keen on tamed nature as a rule, but there’s a great variety of shrubs, trees and flowers, and there’s a cider apple orchard at the centre of the park, it’s all rather lovely. James points out the plants that have been put in to benefit bees and birds as much as human visitors. Next, we walk through a field which James, true to his commitment to biodiversity and wildlife, is determined to turn into a wildflower meadow. He sowed it last year but wasn’t satisfied with the result, so he’ll be trying different plant varieties this time. Far be it for me to suggest that only a Virgo would demand perfection of a meadow.

Fisher-woman at Old Oaks Pond

There’s a lovely woodland walk through mature trees to the fishing pond, where several people sit quietly and happily casting their lines for tench, carp, roach and chub. Massed lily pads form circles in the centre of the pond, I imagine James wading in and nudging them into these perfect curves, Tara tells me they occurred naturally, but then mentions that James ‘tidies things up a bit’. Emerging from the calm stillness of the pond we come to the large chicken enclosure which provides the Park’s shop with fresh eggs, alongside the old apple orchard, kept to provide a home to wildlife.

Inevitably the subject of the planned bypass to the North of the Tor comes up. James told me he’s not concerned about the bypass affecting business, but he’s been walking the fields that the bypass would cross for his whole life and he’s horrified at the idea of this massive block of beautiful, unspoilt land being destroyed. He says “It will be a fox, badger, deer massacre!” He isn’t too worried, however, as the bypass has been talked about for his whole life, and nothing has happened yet.

You definitely can’t describe James as laid back, he’s clearly got tons of drive and energy and likes to see things done as well as possible. As he says “I don’t do mediocrity”. He’s particularly damning of the flower displays on Glastonbury’s roundabouts, with their single-use tulip bulbs and unimaginative bedding plants that are of no use to butterflies or bees, he has considered sponsoring a roundabout, as long as he gets to design the display with his choice of sustainable and bee friendly plants.

Keen to power the park with as much renewable energy as possible, James designed the beautiful and huge new shower block, with underfloor heating powered by renewable heat pump technology and a massive bank of solar water heaters on the roof. It may be super Green, but it’s also hotel quality. Unlike most campsites I’ve come across you’ll neither get splinters from bare wood or be looking at a whitewashed breezeblock wall while you wash, this place, like the rest of the park, is seriously plush. There are LED light mirror surrounds, hairdryers and high stools, I feel like I’ve wandered into an expensive hair stylist’s studio.

Sustainably powered shower block

Plush showers

Hotel quality facilities

A very hi-tech addition to the park is an emptying and cleaning station for chemical toilets, it’s the size and shape of a vending machine, but definitely doesn’t dispense chocolate bars. Campers drop their toilet cassette into a hatch and it is returned emptied, clean and topped up with eco-friendly toilet fluids. Unlike old-fashioned camping toilet chemicals, the waste can be processed on site, rather than having to be transported to the chemical waste treatment plant in Avonmouth. Their site sewage is processed through their on-site treatment system, before further treatment in the natural Victorian style reed bed system. The next plan is for a compost loo by the fishing lake.

Engaging with the Community and Local Businesses

A walk around the pond

Tara and James’s passion for sustainability doesn’t end with the Green initiatives in the park itself, they want to contribute to the financial sustainability of the town too. It grieves the couple that campsites are often seen as the ‘poor man’s B&B’ as they are supplying a 5-star service and know their visitors make a very significant contribution to the local economy. The average age of their customers is 55, they are towing £25k caravans, or paying equivalent rates to those charged by hotels to stay in the park’s glamping cabins and shepherd’s huts. These are not people packing their own sandwiches and looking for a cheap holiday. The glamping options are proving popular with younger couples looking for something luxurious but a bit different – proving the Old Oaks isn’t just for old folks.

They want to partner with as many local businesses as they can, they have lots of ideas for services that would be of benefit to their visitors. They’d love to work with someone offering bike hire and bike tours of the local area for instance. Tara runs a ‘Glastonbury Tours’ side business providing their campers with minibus transport to local events like the Glastonbury and Bridgwater Carnivals. the Extravaganza and Glastonbury Festival, as well as coaches for locals to events such as Pilton Party and West Fest. This creates a great opportunity for others to offer talks and walks to the campsite guests – like birdwatching on the Nature Reserves of the Avalon Marshes.

The Old Oaks Camping Shop

They often work with Mary from the Abbey Tea Rooms who makes the cakes they sell in their shop. On carnival night they book 3 coaches who ferry campers to and from the town (saving 100 cars from having to drive into and park in the town). Campers go to the Abbey Tea Rooms for a buffet and can stay and watch the carnival from there too.

Another of their initiatives is the ‘Good Food Club’ offering special deals at recommended local eateries to their campers. Also, rather than having their own restaurant on site they chose to partner up with local takeaways who deliver to the site, while I’m there a wood-fired pizza oven is being set up in the courtyard. Their modern and well-stocked shop sells essential supplies, camping goods and a wide variety of local produce – Orchard Pig ciders, Rose Farm preserves, meat from Steve the Butcher on the marketplace and beef, lamb and eggs from the family farm, White’s of Wick, you can’t get more local than that!.

Supporting Local Artists and Craftspeople

Anthony Rogers Sculpture

Local carpenter John Tucker made their first wooden glamping pods, with all the materials being locally sourced. When they found out an old oak tree on the drive was diseased and would have to be cut down they called in Anthony Rogers from Frome to carve it into a beautiful organic, spiralling form.

The first thing you see when you enter the park’s shop is a photograph of the Tor taken by Kev Pearson on two walls and Phil Holly’s locally made stained glass is for sale here too – check out his website Lost in Glass. The shop will soon be stocking Tara’s sister Donna’s beautiful ceramics.

Elsewhere on site, faced with what was a hideous concrete block wall, they commissioned local artist Jon Minshull to paint a huge mural of a Somerset landscape, featuring the Tor and an abundance of local wildlife. I’m blown away by it, it’s spectacular.

Jon also painted the mural on the wall of the Glastonbury Experience Courtyard alleyway, it features Tara’s sister’s naked bottom, painted slightly larger than life.

A Tranquil Retreat in Nature

Walking to the Tor from the Old Oaks

So who stays at the Old Oaks Touring Park? It’s popular with visitors who appreciate quiet, it’s part of ‘Tranquil Parks’, there are no big events, no screaming children and no big groups (as “even the Goddesses make loads of noise”). They don’t offer one night stays before or after Glastonbury festival, as before the event festival goers are hyped up and overexcited, while afterwards they are really just looking for somewhere to wash off the mud. As they explain “it’s not snobbery, it’s just business” they are giving their guests what they want – luxury facilities, glamping and peace and quiet in nature. They must be doing a lot right as they are the overall winners of the AA Campsite of the Year for England 2018 award.

Interior of an Old Oaks Shepherd’s Hut

The facilities are a far cry from my experience of campsites. The glamping options – shepherd’s huts, lodges and cabins, are quirky but luxurious, two even offer a tastefully screened wood-fired outdoor hot tub. The cedar lodges are beautiful and offer wonderful views, plus all that cedarwood smells amazing. For those whose accommodation doesn’t include fitted bathrooms, the park’s original shower block has been refurbished to create individual shower and changing rooms, so you won’t have an audience when you are hoiking your knickers up.

Unusually everything really is as immaculate as the photos in the brochure. I can’t imagine the amount of work that it takes to keep everything so spotlessly clean, tidy and well maintained, an army of elves with invisible brooms is the only logical explanation. Or it could be down to the hard work of the 6 wardens who work in pairs, the 3 cleaners and the apprentice gardener, altogether a staff of ten, plus James and Tara.

Doggie Shower

Tara tells me that the park is very popular with people who want to take their canine friends on holiday. It’s very dog-friendly, with a dog walking area and a fully featured, split level, dog shower, with doggie shampoo. Tara tells me they are getting a dog hairdryer next, I assumed she was joking, but then I saw all the other facilities and decided she probably wasn’t. I imagine a walk through affair, like the final stage of a drive-thru car wash, from which the pampered pooches will emerge with magnificent bouffants.

With the Somerset Levels on the doorstep, it’s an ideal spot for cycle touring. I’d cycled to the Park myself from Benedict Street. I’m not fit enough to tackle the most direct, but very hilly, route up Wellhouse and Stone Down Lanes, so I chose the cycle path along the bypass to West Mendip Hospital and then Brindham Lane and Wick Lane to the Old Oaks. I was surprised at how quick and easy this (virtually) flat route was. For walkers, there are the 15 acres of the park itself, the Tor and many walks into Glastonbury Town and across the Levels.

James and Tara doing the sort of camping they enjoy – at a festival

James and Tara tell me that they are the kind of people who would get into trouble if they were guests in their own park – they like camping with big groups of mates, drinking, partying and festivals. When they go to Glastonbury festival they take their caravan to stay with friends in a backstage camping area. But Tara says “It makes for an easier life when the customers aren’t running around drunk”

I ask them if they have any ‘Normal for Glastonbury’ stories where the peace and quiet were disrupted. James describes an incident with a young guy, probably on magic mushrooms, who alarmed the other campers by running around naked shouting “I am God” and “I’ve seen the light!”. A few years ago another young man, just wearing pants, emerged onto the park scratched and bleeding, having forced his way through the thorny hedgerow, he explained he was “following the leyline”. James remarks wryly “that’s worse than following a sat nav”.

James and his family clearly derive some dry amusement at the antics of some visitors. He tells me they once had a customer who checked out early “because the energy of the earth on the site was too strong”, Another wanted him to wash the pitch as “the previous campers had left negative energy”. James’s dad’s most oft-repeated comment on Glastonbury’s High Street is “We’ve got one butcher, one baker and ever so many candlestick makers”

Tara tells me they want to do something different, exceed expectations, make people go ‘Wow!’. She says “We’re constantly being complimented on our park, how can that not be a nice thing, knowing we’ve provided people with a really memorable holiday?”

If you provide a local service that might be of interest to the users of the park then do get in touch with Tara at tara.oldoaks@gmail.com, she’d love to hear from you.

If you are visiting the town and want a truly tranquil experience in nature then I’m sure you will be well looked after, if you are attending a retreat in the town Old Oaks Touring Park would be ideal. Those of us that live here might want to recommend the park to their visiting relatives who love nature but not mud, especially those who’d like to visit Glastonbury but might find some of the quirkier aspects of staying in the town a little alarming!

This post was kindly commissioned and sponsored by James and Tara White of Old Oaks Touring and Glamping Park, but the opinions are all mine! Would you like to commission me to write an article about what you do, for Normal For Glastonbury? You’d be reaching thousands of readers who love the Town. Please click here for more information. Would you like to write a piece for Normal For Glastonbury about your experience of the town? Please get in touch.

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All photographs copyright Old Oaks Touring Park. Text copyright Vicki Steward.

  Old Oaks Touring and Glamping Park A Tranquil Oasis in the Heart of the Somerset Countryside. James and Tara White got in touch to ask me to write about  

[anavoliselenu]

Confessed man chapter 8

‘Don’t lie to me, Ward. I look like shit.’

‘Selena,’ he scorns me gently. I don’t apologise, mainly because I can barely muster up the energy to speak. ‘You need to eat.’

I retch at the very thought of trying to get food into my stomach and shake my head pleadingly. I know that I’m fighting a losing battle. He won’t leave me alone until I’ve had some breakfast.

I hear the front door open and close, and then the chirpy sounds of Cathy singing. All I have on is Justin’s shirt, but I can’t even find the strength to be concerned by that, so I remain exactly where I am, unconcerned, unbothered and very unwell.

‘Morning!’ she sings at us as she places her huge carpet bag on the worktop. ‘Oh dear. Whatever is the matter?’

Justin answers for me, which is a good job because I’m incapable of speech. ‘Selena’s not feeling too good.’

I scoff at his understatement and direct my forehead straight to his chest. I feel positively dull—dead, even.

‘Oh, the dreaded morning sickness? It’ll pass.’ Cathy declares, like I don’t look like I’m ready to keel over. She knows, too, then.

‘Will it?’ I garble into Justin’s chest. ‘When?’ I feel his hand stroking my back and his mouth in my hair, kissing me dotingly, but he remains silent. It’s a good indication that he would love to know the answer, too.

‘It depends. Boy, girl, mum, dad.’ she says, and I hear her flick the kettle on. ‘Some women have a few weeks of it, some struggle throughout the whole of their pregnancy.’

‘Oh God.’ I howl. ‘Don’t say that.’

‘Shhh,’ Justin hushes me and increases the rubs of my back. I’m not even being a baby. It really is that bad.

‘Ginger!’

That one random word drags my splattered face from Justin’s wet torso. ‘What?’

‘Ginger!’ she repeats, rootling through her bag. I look at Justin, but he looks as equally confused. ‘You need ginger, dear.’ She pulls out a pack of ginger biscuits. ‘I came prepared.’ She pushes Justin from in front of me and opens the packet, presenting me with a biscuit. ‘Have one every morning when you wake up. Works wonders! Eat.’

I wisely note that with Justin hovering in the background and with Cathy behaving all motherly, there’s little point in refusing, so I take the biscuit and have a little nibble.

‘It’ll settle your stomach.’ She gives me one of her warm smiles and cups my cheek with her hand. ‘I’m so excited.’

I can’t match her enthusiasm, not when I’m feeling like this, so I smile weakly and let Justin place me gently on a barstool.

‘The new boy gave me these,’ She hands Justin a pile of post. ‘Cute little bugger, isn’t he?’

That makes me laugh, especially when Justin lets out a disgusted snort and snatches the envelopes from her wrinkles fingers. ‘He’s very sweet.’ I confirm, suddenly finding the energy to form a whole sentence. ‘But won’t you miss Clive, Cathy?’

‘Oh, not at all,’ She gets the bagels out and holds them up, Justin and I both nodding our acceptance. ‘He’s taking me out this evening.’

I nudge Justin with my elbow as I nibble away at the edges of my biscuit, but I’m ignored. Instead of indulging my curious mind, he starts opening his post. ‘That’ll be nice.’ I chirp.

‘It will.’ she agrees, loading the toaster and fetching the eggs.

I’m happily chatting away to Cathy, eating my breakfast, listening to where Clive is taking her and filling her in on my recent bouts of sickness, when it strikes me that Justin has been silent for an eternity. He also hasn’t moved. And his bagel is sitting untouched in front of him. I push his plate towards him. ‘Eat your breakfast.’

He doesn’t move, nor does he acknowledge me.

‘Justin?’ He looks like he’s in a trance. ‘Justin, are you okay?’

He flips an envelope over and runs his eyes across it. So do I.

Justin Ward.

Private and Confidential

‘What is that?’ I ask.

He turns his eyes to mine. They are glazed and wary. I don’t like it. ‘Go upstairs.’

I frown. ‘Why?’

‘Don’t make me ask you again, Selena.’

I withdraw and try to assess him, but the only thing that I can determine is he’s not happy with me. Despite that, though, I know I need to get my arse upstairs before he asks me again. This is one of those times when I know not to argue. He’s starting to shake and though I have no idea what about, I’m certain it’s not for Cathy’s ears. I drop myself from the stool and excuse myself, leaving the kitchen and walking quietly up the stairs to the master suite, all of the time wondering what on earth is wrong with him. I don’t get long to ponder it. It strides into the room, still holding the paper and envelope.

He’s bubbling with anger. I can see it in the slight shaking of his hands and in the flash of black in his eyes. He pins me in place with an incensed stare. ‘What the f**k is this?’

My eyes fall naturally to the paper that he’s holding up, but I have no idea what it is. ‘What is it?’ I ask nervously.

He chucks the papers into the space between us. ‘You were going to kill our baby?’ He says it so calmly.

The ground falls away from under me, and I feel like I’m free-falling into a black hole of nothing. I can’t face him. My eyes are burning up with hot tears as they trace every square inch of the bedroom floor at his feet. My brain has failed me, but even if it did give some inspiration and load my mouth with the right words, I would be lying and he would know.

‘Answer me!’ he roars, and I jump, but I still can’t bring myself to face him. I’m completely ashamed of myself, and having spent the last few days with Justin and seeing how truly blissful he is, how caring and attentive he’s being, the guilt couldn’t get any worse. I thought about terminating this pregnancy. I thought about ridding my body of this baby. His baby. Our baby. I’m inexcusable. ‘Selena, for f**k sake!’ Before I can even think to try and form any words, he’s grasping the tops of my arms and bending to get his face in my line of sight. But I still evade his greens, not being able to bare facing what I know will be there. Contempt… disgust… disbelief. ‘Damn it, look at me.’

I shake my head faintly, like the pathetic coward I am. He deserves an explanation, but I don’t know where to begin. My mind has completely shut down, like I’m protecting myself from the inevitable that will be Justin flying off the handle. He’s pretty much there already.

My jaw is grasped harshly and pulled up so I’m forced to acknowledge him. My eyes are glassy with red-hot tears, but I can see with one hundred per cent clarity the hurt on his face. ‘I’m sorry.’ I sob. It’s the only thing I can think to say. It’s the only thing I should say. I am sorry for having such horrid thoughts.

His face crumbles before me, enflaming the guilt further. ‘You’ve broken my f**king heart, Selena.’ He drops me and stalks into the wardrobe, leaving me a pathetic form of shaking body parts. Sickness has moved aside and made way for crippling shame. I suddenly feel disgusted with myself, so I have a very good idea of what Justin thinks of me.

He appears again with a handful of clothes, but he doesn’t stuff them in a bag or go to the bathroom to get anything else. He just walks out, still only wearing his running shorts. My throat has closed off on me, so I can’t even scream for him to stay. I’m paralysed on the spot, nothing working, except my eyes, which are releasing a relentless flow of tears. Then I hear the front door slam, and I find myself in a heap on the floor, silently sobbing to myself.

‘Selena, dear?’ Cathy’s soft, warm voice is only just detectable through my heaving. ‘Selena, my goodness, whatever is the matter?’ It must be glaringly obvious that I’m not suffering with morning sickness, and she must have heard Justin bellowing at me.

I feel her squidgy body against me, and I instinctively turn into her apron coated body, wrapping my arms around her back.

‘Oh dear, oh no.’ She starts rocking me gently, shushing me and whispering quiet words in my ears. ‘Oh Selena, come on, dear. Tell me what’s happened.’

I try to form some words, but it just results in me crying even harder. My compulsion to spill my guilt, to share my remorse, is just emphasising how incredibly selfishly I was thinking.

‘Come on. Let me make you a cup of tea.’ Cathy soothes, hauling her round body up from the bedroom floor before tugging on my arm, encouraging me to stand. I just about manage it, and then I’m cradled under her arm and guided down to the kitchen.

She hands me a hanky from the front of her apron, then sets about making a pot of tea. I watch her in silence, except for the odd judder of breath that escapes as I try to gain control of my shaky body and erratic breathing. I’m trying my very hardest, but it’s inevitable for me to think about all of the other times I’ve sent him crazy mad, except this time he really looked unhinged. This time I’ve really sent him over the edge.

Cathy sets a pot of tea down on the island and pours two cups, putting a few sugars in mine, even though she didn’t ask and neither did I. ‘You need the energy.’ she says as she stirs, then picks it up and places it between both of my palms. ‘Drink up, dear. There’s nothing tea can’t cure.’ She takes her own, blows across the top, and a wave of steam streams through mid-air and disintegrates in front of me. I stare at it until it’s gone, and I’m left gazing blankly at nothing. ‘Now, tell me what’s got my boy in such a pickle and you in this state?’

‘I was thinking about having an abortion.’ I say to thin air. I don’t want to see the look of horror that will have undoubtedly jumped onto the face of Justin’s sweet, innocent, wholesome housekeeper.

Her silence and the mug of tea that I can see in my peripheral vision, hovering at her lips, only confirms my thoughts. She’s shocked, and having heard the words aloud, so am I. And embarrassed. ‘Oh,’ she says simply. What else can she say?

I know what I should be saying. I should be explaining myself and the reasons, but not only do I feel like I’ve let Justin down and trampled all over his happiness, I feel protective of him. I don’t want Cathy to judge him if I tell her how I ended up pregnant, which is ludicrous. It’s the only reason I considered a termination, and the fact that I didn’t think I was ready, but the last few days have proved me wrong. Justin has unearthed a deep feeling of hope, happiness, and love for this baby growing inside of me. A piece of me and a piece of him mixed together to form a life. Our baby. Now the thought of ridding it from my body is absolutely abhorrent. I’m disgusted with myself.

I turn towards Cathy. ‘I would never have seen it through. I soon realised I was being stupid. I was just so shocked. I don’t know how he’s found out.’ Now I’ve calmed slightly, I’m wondering how he does actually know.

That paper. The envelope.

‘Selena, he’s obviously shocked. Give him time to come round. You’re still pregnant and that’s all that matters. He’ll see soon enough.’

I smile, but Cathy’s words haven’t made me feel any better. She doesn’t know what happened the last time he walked out on me. ‘Thank you for the tea, Cathy.’ I say, getting down from the stool. ‘I’d better get ready for work.’

Her wrinkled brow furrows, and she looks at my mug. ‘But you’ve hardly touched it.’

‘Oh,’ I quickly scoop it up and take a few hot sips, probably burning the roof of my mouth in the process, but there’s a piece of paper lying on the floor of the master suite, and it’s screaming for me to read it. I give Cathy a quick peck in the cheek, and she rubs my arm affectionately before I escape the kitchen.

I run upstairs fast and pick the paper straight up, being immediately greeted with a bunch of pamphlets, stapled to the corner of a letter. The letter is a scan appointment. The pamphlets are a wealth of information on abortion. The information sinks in very fast, and as I lift my eyes to the top of the letter, I notice my name and address. No, not my address. It’s Matt’s address.

I gasp and screw the paper up, throwing it at the wall on an infuriated yell. I’m so f**king stupid. I’ve not changed my address with the surgery. I’ve not changed my address with anyone. All of my mail has been going to Matt’s and clearly the f**king bastard has been opening it. He must’ve been in his element to find this. What the hell is wrong with him, the nasty f**king lowlife? My damn emotions are all over the place. I’m sad, I’m hurt, I’m blood boiling mad.

At the risk of lashing out on the door or the wall or anything I can lay my hands on, I throw myself in the shower instead.

* * *

I’m still shaking with anger when I walk into the penthouse foyer only half an hour later. I’m already late, but my work, for the first time ever, is the least of my priorities. And it’s a good thing because I’m standing staring blankly at the keypad, with not the first idea of what numbers to punch in. I glance back at the door, contemplating nipping back in to ask Cathy, but I decide against it, instead bashing in the code of the fire exit door and pushing my way through. I need to burn off some of this fury before I’m in the close proximity of people. I might rip someone’s head off, and I want to save my wrath for Matt.

‘Good Morning, Mrs Ward.’ Casey’s friendly voice is the first thing I hear when I exit the stairwell, panting from exhaustion as oppose to panting with anger.

‘Casey,’ I puff, putting my heels back on.

He looks me up and down. God only knows what I must look like. I didn’t even bother to use a mirror, instead blasting my hair and firing pins in all over my head where I felt they needed to be. ‘Are you okay?’ he asks.

‘Fine,’

‘Congratulations,’ he says. I look at him in alarm. Justin wouldn’t share our good news with the new concierge. He doesn’t like him. ‘On getting married,’ Casey adds. ‘I didn’t know.’

I’m frowning. Would Justin have told him that? Probably. He was probably trampling at the time, stamping his ownership. ‘Thanks,’ I stalk past him and slip my shades on before I hit the sunshine, hoping the oversized things might conceal most of my harassed face. John’s here. He shrugs, and I shake my head. ‘I’m not coming with you, John.’ I fire my key fob at my Mini and start across the car park.

‘Come on, girl. Let’s not push it.’ His voice is a low rumble, even though he’s pleading with me.

‘John, I’m sorry, but I’m driving myself today.’ I insist in the firmest tone I can find. It’s hard. I just want to cry some more. He’s so mad with me, but he still sent John to take me to work. As usual, he just can’t help it. I stop and swing around to face the big friendly giant. He’s standing at the hood of his Range Rover, holding his big arms out to me pleadingly. ‘Is he okay?’ I ask.

‘No, he’s gone mother f**king crazy, girl. What’s going on?’

‘Nothing,’ I say quietly, feeling so thankful that John is unaware to why Justin has lost the plot. He’s probably too ashamed of me to admit it to anyone, and he has every right to be.

‘Nothing?’ He laughs, but then his frightening face turns deadly serious. ‘It’s nothing to do with that Danish mother f**ker?’

‘No,’ I shake my head, thinking Mikael might be something else for Justin to fly off the handle about.

‘Are you okay?’ His wraparounds are still firmly in place, but I know he’s looking at my stomach. He thinks something has happened to the baby.

I nod, my hand naturally sliding across my cornflower blue shift dress and onto my navel. ‘Fine, John.’

‘Selena, girl, let me take you to work so I can at least go back to The Manor and tell him I got you there safely.’ He gestures towards his shining heap of black metal.

It’s hard for me to refuse John. He’s thinking about Justin, and I know that he cares about me. Under any other circumstances, I would, but I have an ex to deal with, and I can’t wait to rip him to shreds. ‘I’m sorry, John.’ I jump in my car and dial Casey to open the gates. No code, no gate device. Anyone would think that he was trying to keep me prisoner. I leave a clearly exasperated John in the Car park of Lusso and drive myself to work.

* * *

The look I flash all of my work colleagues the second I walk into the office makes them cautiously put their heads back down to work. Mindless chit-chat and feigning happiness is not something I can be bothered to do today. I need to focus on getting through the day as quickly and as quietly as possible. Interacting with anyone is a risk I can’t take. I might explode, and then all of my fury will be wasted.

I’m left to work in peace, my only distraction being my racing imagination, which is flicking from what Justin will be doing now, to what I’m going to do to Matt. I’m surviving fine, until Patrick perches on the edge of my new desk. I see him before I hear him, which has absolutely never happened. The creak that I usually get in warning is absent, and it throws me a little. I grew rather fond of the familiar sound of my boss perching on my desk, even if it did make me hold my breath and pray for reinforced wood.

‘Flower, update me. We’ve not spoken for a few days. My fault, I know.’

I don’t need this. My brain is awash with everything, except work, and I’m dreading the Mikael question. I’m living on borrowed time here, I realise that, but I can’t broach this now. ‘There’s not a lot to report, really.’ I continue composing the email that I’ve been working on for the last hour. I’m two lines in, and it’s only a simple sample request to a manufacturer.

‘Oh, everything’s in order, then?’

‘Yes, everything.’ I sound short and terse, but I’m trying my best not to be.

‘Are you okay, flower?’ My boss’s concern is clear, when he should actually be telling me to buck up and answer him properly.

I stop typing and turn to face my cuddly bear of an employer. ‘I’m sorry. Yes, I’m fine, but I’ve got a heap of things I want to get done before the day’s out.’ I mentally applaud myself for blagging my way through that whole little speech. I did sound fine and like I was keen to get on, something Patrick will never argue with.

‘Excellent!’ He laughs. ‘I’ll leave you to it, then. I’ll be in my office.’ He lifts from the desk and for the first time in four years, it doesn’t creak, but I still wince anyway.

‘Selena, I’m sorry to bother you,’ Sal’s apprehensive voice almost makes me feel guilty.

‘What’s up, Sal?’ I look up at our plain-Jane, turned office siren, and force a smile, until I see the plaid skirt. It’s back, and I was so busy throwing cautionary looks at everyone when I arrived this morning, I hadn’t noticed. I also hadn’t noticed the lack of polished nails or scoop neck top. Or the face that looks like it’s just been dealt the most dreadful news. She’s been dumped.

‘Patrick has asked me to run through all of the invoices due for payment. Here’s a list.’ She hands me a printout of clients. ‘All of the highlighted sections are due within a week, and he’d like you all to gently remind your clients so we get the payments on time.’

I frown and cast my eyes over the spread sheet. ‘But they’re not due yet. I can’t remind them when they’ve not even forgotten.’ It’s embarrassing enough chasing overdue invoices.

She shrugs. ‘I’m just the messenger.’

‘He’s never asked us to do this before.’

‘I’m just the messenger!’ she snaps, and I recoil in my chair. Then she bursts into tears. I should be jumping up and soothing her, but I’m just sitting here, watching her wail all over my desk. She’s snorting and sniffling, attracting the attention of everyone, including Patrick, who has ventured from his office to see what the commotion is all about, but he retreats hastily when he spots Sal in tears. Tom and Victoria sit tapping their pens, neither one of them coming to aid me in my distress. And I am distressed. I don’t know what to do with her, but as no one else seems to be willing, it’s down to me to sort her out. I slide the spread sheet into my tray and stand, taking Sal’s elbow and leading her into the toilets, where I stuff her hands full of tissue and wait silently for her to pull herself together.

After a good five minutes, she finally speaks. ‘I hate men.’ Is all she says.

It makes me smile. I think every woman on the planet has said that line at some point in their life. ‘Things not too good between you and…’

‘Don’t say his name!’ she blurts. ‘I never want to hear it again.’

It’s a good job because I can’t remember it. ‘Do you want to talk about it?’

‘No.’ she spits, rubbing away at her cheeks. There is no make-up transferring onto the tissue. She has well and truly returned to boring Sal. ‘Never!’ she adds on a filthy look.

I’m relieved. My brain wouldn’t absorb it, even if she did tell me. I’d be listening, but not engaging. ‘Okay,’ I rub her arm in a gesture to suggest that I understand when I’m actually more relieved.

‘He’s here, then he’s not. He calls, then he doesn’t. What does that mean?’ She looks at me expectantly, like I might know the answer.

‘You mean he’s messing you around?’ I’m engaging.

‘I’m on call when he wants, so yes. I sit around waiting for him to ring me, and when he does want to see me, it’s lovely, but all he wants to talk about is me. My friends. My job.’ She sniffles a bit more. ‘When will he want to have sex?’

I cough on a laugh. ‘You’re worried because he hasn’t tried to get you in bed?’ That’s a rarity. She should be pleased.

‘Yes!’ She collapses against the wall. ‘I don’t know how much more we can talk.’

‘It’s nice that he wants to get to know you, Sal. Too many men are after one thing.’ Is she sexually frustrated? Or is she sexually clueless? Has she ever even had sex? I can’t imagine it, and if I go by the deepening red of her cheeks, then I think I might have my answer. Sal’s a virgin? Fucking hell! How old is she, anyway?

I’m suddenly more than ready to engage, but Victoria’s head pops around the door, halting my intended interrogation tactics. ‘Selena, your phone is ringing off the hook.’ She can’t resist a quick inspection of herself in the mirror before she leaves.

‘Sal, I’d better get that.’ It might be Justin, and he’ll be beside himself. ‘Will you be okay?’

She nods, sniffles and blows her nose before running her teary eyes all over me. ‘Are you feeling better?’ she asks.

‘Yes,’ I frown, forgetting my recent absences from work. I’m not ready to share my news yet.

‘You don’t look it. What’s wrong, anyway?’

I search my brain for a feasible reason for my constant dashing to the toilet and bad moods. ‘Tummy bug.’ is the best that I come up with.

‘And married life? Good? Honeymoon?’

I stand for a few silent moments, wondering how this turned around on me. ‘All great.’ I lie. ‘Maybe we’ll catch a holiday soon. Justin’s busy.’ I lie again, but Sal is one of the few people in my life who hasn’t worked out my bad habit, so I’m confident that I’ve not been rumbled. I leave her before she can pry any further and rush back to my desk, hoping to find a mass of missed calls from Justin. I’m sorely disappointed. It’s Ruth Quinn. I haven’t spoken to her since I abandoned our meeting, and I’m not sure I want to, but it starts wailing again in my hand. I don’t need to call her back. She’s going to call me until I answer, and I can’t avoid her forever.

‘Hello, Ruth.’ I sound normal enough.

‘Selena, how are you?’ She sounds normal, too.

‘Good, thank you.’

‘I was waiting for you to call. Did you forget about me?’ She laughs.

Actually, I did. Her lesbian crush has made way for other more important things. ‘Not at all, Ruth. I was going to call you later.’ I’m lying through the skin of my teeth.

‘Oh, well I beat you to it, then. Can we meet tomorrow?’

I sink into my chair, my mind whizzing through a million excuses to put her off, but I know I have to face this head on. I can be professional. ‘Sure, how about one-ish?’

‘Perfect. I look forward to it. Bye!’ She hangs up, and I hang my head. I bet she is. I’ll be wearing trousers tomorrow, and I won’t be making too much of an effort either.

Tom lowers his fashion specs to the end of his nose. ‘Dumped?’ he asks. I don’t need to push for an elaboration on his one word question.

‘It’s complicated.’ I brush him off and start to mark up some drawings, but something catches my attention outside the office.

My brother.

He’s standing on the pavement looking into the office and after what seems like an age of us staring at each other, he pushes his way through the door. ‘Hi,’ He smiles.

My hand comes up in a little wave gesture. ‘Hi,’ I whisper. We’re in that awkward place again.

‘Lunch?’ he asks hopefully.

I smile and collect my bag, joining him at the front of the office. My simmering anger has cooled, but I’ll re-stoke it later. Right now, I want to fix things with Dan, get things back on track before he goes back to Australia. He’s been a complete arsehole, but I can’t hold grudges, not with my brother. ‘Tom, I’ll be back in an hour.’

‘Hmmm,’ he replies. I look back and see him staring dreamily at Dan. ‘Bye, Selena’s brother.’ he croons, waving a limp wrist and actually fluttering his lashes. I purse my lips and shake my head, especially when Dan’s eyes enlarge in alarm and he starts walking backwards.

‘Urm, yeah,’ He coughs and straightens his shoulders in an obvious attempt to make himself look more manly. ‘See ya,’ His voice has gone deeper, too.

I laugh. ‘Come on,’ I push Dan through the door. ‘You have an admirer.’

‘Great.’ he quips. ‘Not that I’m homophobic or anything. You know, whatever tickles your fancy.’

‘I think Tom wants to tickle your fancy.’

‘Selena!’ He looks at me in horror, but then breaks out in a grin. ‘He’s got taste, obviously.’

‘I don’t want to burst your bubble, but he’s like that with most men. You’re nothing special.’

We start walking side by side down Bruton Street, towards Starbucks. ‘Thanks,’ Dan laughs, nudging my shoulder.

I nudge him right back and smile up at him. We’re going to be okay.

* * *

Dan sets down the coffees and his sandwich, and I immediately tip three sachets of sugar into my cup, momentarily unaware that what I’m doing is completely out of the ordinary, until I look up and see Dan’s brow all knitted as he watches me stir it in. ‘Since when have you taken sugar in your coffee?’

I freeze mid-stir, frantically searching my brain for a viable excuse. We’ve not talked, but things are comfortable. Advising him that I’m pregnant will catapult us straight back to awkwardness, so I’m going to be a total shitbag and wait for him to go back to Australia, then I’ll get our mum to tell him. ‘I’m knackered. I need a sugar hit.’ It’s the best I come up with.

‘You look tired.’ He sits down, eyeing me suspiciously.

‘I am tired.’ I admit. No hair twiddling needed.

‘Why?’

‘Work stress.’ Half true, but now I’m fighting my hands to keep them on the table. ‘So, you’re okay?’

‘Kate told me to take a leap, but I’m sure you know that already.’ He un-wraps his sandwich and takes a bite.

Yes, I do, but there is little point confirming it. ‘You should never have gone there, and you really shouldn’t have gone there on my wedding day.’

‘Yeah, I was out of line. I’m sorry.’ He reaches over and places his hand over mine. ‘We’ve never had cross words.’

‘I know. It was horrible.’

‘It was my fault.’

‘It was,’ I grin, and he dips his finger in the froff of my coffee and flicks it at my nose. ‘Hey!’

‘Congratulations, anyway.’ He smiles.

‘What?’ I blurt.

‘I never congratulated you on your actual wedding day. I was too busy being an arsehole.’

‘Oh, thanks.’ The relief that takes hold makes me sag in my chair, but just as quickly, I’m stiff as a board. Matt knows, and he has been doing a fantastic job of keeping my parents informed and up-to-date on my love life. He’ll be like a pig in shit over this. That cooling fury has just boiled over into the realms of panic. I quickly disregard the possibility that he’s called my mum and dad already because if he had, then Dan would know, and he wouldn’t be sat opposite me happily chomping his way through a tuna melt. This is bad news. I need to get to Matt before he gets to my parents. Or I could just ring my parents and tell them myself. That would be the sensible thing to do, but I want to see them with Justin. I want to do this bit right, which is absurd, but after how they found out about Justin and the shock of a rushed wedding, I want to make this part special.

‘You okay?’ Dan’s worried tone pulls me from yet more mental meltdown.

‘Yeah, so when are you going back?’

‘I’ll get on-line when I get back to Harvey’s to see what’s Selenailable.’ He dabs his mouth with his napkin and proceeds to launch into a proper apology speech.

I spend the next half an hour listening, nodding, yes-ing and no-ing, but I’m a million miles away from the conversation, my head struggling to decide on what to do for the best. Why hasn’t Matt called them already?

‘You’ll get sacked.’

‘Huh?’ I glance down at my Rolex, noting its two fifteen. I’m already late, but I feel no sense of urgency to hurry back to the office. The only urgency I have is to resolve my little Matt issue once and for all. ‘Yeah, I’d better shoot.’

‘Nice watch.’ He nods at my wrist.

‘Wedding present,’ I stand and brush myself down. ‘Which way are you heading?’

‘Back to Harvey’s.’

‘Okay, will you call me? I mean, you won’t just leave, will you?’

His eyes warm and he stands before pulling me into him and giving me the biggest cuddle. ‘I wouldn’t go anywhere without saying goodbye to my little sister.’ He kisses my head. ‘Let’s not fall out again, okay?’

‘Okay. Keep it in your trousers then, and try to be civil to my husband if you ever have to share company with him again.’

‘I promise.’ He assures me. I’m a little surprised he doesn’t point out that Justin was discourteous, too, because he really was. ‘Take care.’

‘You, too.’ I leave Dan, but instead of going to the office, I call in sick again and go to get my car. I’m walking on thin ice, but this really cannot wait. Matt won’t be home, but he’ll be at his office, and I really don’t care where I verbally bash him.

Chapter 18

But he’s not at his office, and he hasn’t been for weeks. After driving across the city in mid-afternoon traffic, I pulled up to the glass building which houses the sales centre of the firm that he works for, only to be told by the receptionist that Matt lost his job a few weeks ago. I remember him mentioning it, he’d used it as an excuse for his shitty behaviour, but I never gave it another thought.

Despite his misfortune, though, I don’t feel pity or concern. Nothing is going to dampen down my resentment and contempt. I sit in my car and pull my phone from my bag, full of determination. I’ll track him down.

It rings once. ‘Selena,’

I was expecting a voice laced with smugness and deep satisfaction, so when I hear this one, which is broken and strained, I’m thrown completely. It takes me a few moments to piece a sentence together and when I do, it’s not at all what I had intended to say. ‘Are you okay?’

He laughs, but it’s weak. ‘Why don’t you ask your husband?’

The back of my head hits the headrest of my seat, and I stare up at the ceiling of my car. I should have predicted this. ‘How bad?’

‘Oh, just a couple of broken ribs and a black eye. Nothing major. Your husband knows how to do a job properly, I’ll give him that.’

‘Why did you do it?’

‘Because I want everything he has with you. Or I did. Kate took great pleasure in telling me you were marrying him, and then that letter fell on my doormat. I wondered why you would be seeking an abortion if you were married, so I guessed he didn’t know. I took a chance. Why are you having an abortion?’

‘I’m not.’

‘Then why…’

‘Because I was shocked.’ I shout defensively. I’m not explaining myself to him. Silence falls down the line, and I’m not in the least bit compelled to explain myself further. ‘I think this is where you give up, Matt.’

‘Well I won’t be setting myself up for another beating from your unhinged husband. Not even you are worth the pain I’m in right now.’

I laugh to myself and my stupidity for almost feeling sorry for him.

‘Oh,’ he continues, ‘and don’t worry about Elizabeth and Joseph. I’ve been given a little taste of what will happen if I share your news. Can I suggest that you get your address changed so I don’t receive any of your shit in future?’ He hangs up, and I stare down at my phone in disbelief. I didn’t blast him with half of the words I’ve been mentally preparing throughout the day. I didn’t get to spit my hatred at him, or even slap his face. I’d love to slap his face. I smirk to myself, my smile only broadening when a mental image of Justin pounding on Matt’s loser arse springs to mind. I’m not a violent person, but if Justin wants to take his anger out on someone, then Matt would be my person of choice every time. He deserves everything he gets, and there’s no doubt in my mind that I won’t be hearing from him again and neither will my parents. It’s one more thing ticked off my list of issues. Sarah has apologised, for what it’s worth, but she’s gone and that’s all that matters. Kate and Sam are together, and Kate and Dan are not. I’ve made friends with my brother, and Matt has been trampled. That one makes me smile again. But what I really need to be doing is finding my husband and making friends with him. I chuck my phone on the passenger seat and make my way back towards the city.

I feel like I’m on a cleansing mission. Our new life together will be free from troubles very soon, and it’s right now that I decide to tackle the final issue tomorrow. Mikael. I’ve still not heard from him, but there’s nothing he can say, anyway, nothing he can tell me, so I don’t know what the point of our meeting will be. He’s not back from Denmark, or if he is I’ve not heard from him, but I’ll call him. I’ll beat him to the punch. I’m full of determination to eradicate this final issue. I’m making it my mission objective. I’ll do anything.

As I’m driving over London Bridge, I glance up to my rear view mirror and spot a familiar car. Justin’s car. He’s dipping in and out of the traffic in his usual haphazard style, overtaking and generally causing traffic mayhem in his wake. I spend a few moments flicking my eyes between the road ahead and my rear view mirror, the potential of what I’m about to face slowly settling in the pit of my stomach. He’s been following me, which means he has followed me to Matt’s office, which means he is going to hit the f**king roof. I didn’t see Matt, but the intention was there, and I’m not going to try and convince myself that Justin wouldn’t know where Matt worked. Of course he knows where Matt worked. I’m fighting the clash of extreme worry and extreme rage. I’m worried for obvious reasons, but the rage is overshadowing that right now. Following me? This shouldn’t be a surprise. I need to stop being so astounded by what lengths this man goes to—the things that he does, the reactions that he has, the extreme reactions he draws from me.

I know it’s him, but that doesn’t stop me taking a right, and then a right, and then a right again, bringing me back to where I started, and as I knew it would be, the DBS is still tailing me a few cars behind. I’m leading him on a merry dance. I feel around on the seat for my phone and stab at the buttons.

‘Yes?’ he spits, short, curt and clipped. Not his usual baby or pleasure filled tone. I’m astounded.

‘Nice drive?’ I ask.

‘What?’

‘Are you having a nice drive?’ I repeat myself, this time the words pushed through clenched teeth.

‘Selena, what the f**k are you talking about? And when I send John to fetch you, get in is f**king car.’

I ignore that last part and glance back up to my rear view mirror, just to check I’m not imagining things. I’m not. ‘I’m talking about you following me.’

‘What?’ he yells impatiently. ‘Selena, I haven’t got time for f**king riddles.’

‘I’m not talking in riddles, Justin. Why the hell are you following me?’

‘I’m not following you, Selena.’

I glance up again. ‘So I suppose there are hundreds of Aston Martins driving around London, and one just happens to be following me.’

Silence falls down the phone line, then his heavy breathing starts. ‘You’re driving?’

‘Yes!’ I shriek. ‘I’m driving around in bloody circles, and you’re following me. You’d make a shit detective!’

‘My car’s following you?’

‘Yes!’ I actually hit my steering wheel in a temper. Does he think I’m stupid?

‘Selena, baby, I’m not driving my car. I’m at Lusso.’ He doesn’t sound impatient anymore. He sounds concerned, which only concerns me.

I take another look in my mirror and find the DBS is now only one car behind me, drifting in and out of my sight. ‘But it’s your car.’ I say quietly.

‘Fuck!’ he roars, and I instinctively pull the phone away from my ear. ‘John!’

‘Justin? What’s going on?’ My stomach is suddenly a knot of panic at his reaction.

‘My car’s been stolen.’

‘Stolen? How can you steal an Aston Martin?’ Surely it would be impossible.

‘Where are you?’ he asks.

Frantically looking around, I search for something familiar. ‘I’m on the embankment, driving towards the city.’

‘John! The embankment. City bound. Call her in two.’ I hear car doors closing. ‘Baby, listen to me. Just keep driving, okay?’

‘Okay.’ I agree, my earlier anger giving way to pure fear.

‘I’ve got to put the phone down now.’

‘I don’t want you to.’ I murmur. ‘Stay on the phone, please.’

‘Selena, I’ve got to put the phone down. John’s going to call you as soon as I hang up. Put it on loudspeaker and place it in your lap so you can concentrate. Understand?’

He’s trying to stay calm, but he’s failing to conceal his distress. It’s thick in his husky voice, and I’m frightened by it.

‘Selena, baby. Tell me you understand!’

‘I understand.’ I whisper, and then the distinctive roar of a motorbike pours down the line. One of Justin’s bikes. The phone goes dead.

My heart has gone berserk and is punching its way through my chest, my hand is visibly shaking on the wheel and my eyes are glazing over with panic fuelled tears. When my phone starts ringing, I fumble with the keypad until I manage to connect the call.

‘John?’

‘Hey, girl. Are you on hands free?’

‘No, wait.’ I quickly place the call on loudspeaker before dropping my phone into my lap and replacing my hand on the wheel, gripping harder to try and stop the shakes. ‘I’m done. I’ve done it.’

‘S’all good, girl.’ He sounds so calm. ‘Just take a quick peek and tell me how far back Justin’s car is.’

I do as I’m told. ‘It’s only one car behind.’

He hums a little. ‘I want you to drive as slowly as possible, without looking suspicious. Just below the limit, you got it?’

I instantly ease off the accelerator a little. ‘Okay.’

‘Good girl. Now, tell me exactly where you are.’

I glance to my left. ‘I’m approaching Millennium Bridge.’

‘That’s good.’ he muses. ‘Concentrate on the road now.’

‘Okay. Why are you so calm?’ I ask. I’m not complaining because it’s rubbing off on me. An air of serenity is traveling down the line and calming me, which is crazy, considering the source of it—a giant, mean looking, wraparound wearing black man, who oozes terror.

‘One crazy mother f**ker is enough, don’t you think?’

I manage a small smile through my growing fear. ‘Yes,’ I agree.

‘Now, tell me how you’ve been today.’ He asks it like we’re having a perfectly normal conversation.

‘Fine. I’ve been fine.’ Of course, I’m not being truthful, but what sort of question is that when I’m being chased down in a car? What next? An axe wielding madman? Jesus, since I’ve met this man I’ve been through the wringer, but this is going into the realms of a Hollywood blockbuster. Who the hell is following me?

‘He’ll be an extraordinary daddy, Selena.’

John’s softly spoken words that seep from the phone and seem to linger in the closed air around me, immediately pull me back. ‘I know he will.’ I can’t see John, but if I could, I know I would see that illusive gold tooth.

‘So you two are going to stop f**king about and sort this shit out?’ He sounds like a father, and my fondness grows for the burly beast of a man.

‘Yes,’ I agree. ‘Oh!’ I’m suddenly thrust forward in my seat and my seatbelt locks, pulling straight across my collarbone and burning the skin beneath my dress.

‘Selena?’ John’s voice is distant and muffled, and I can’t work out why. ‘Selena, girl!’

‘John?’ I feel around on my lap, but there’s nothing. ‘John!’

Bang!

I’m jolted forward again, my arms instinctively locking on the wheel and sending a sharp flash of pain straight up to my shoulders. ‘Shit!’ I look in the rear view mirror and freeze when I see the DBS now directly behind me, but it’s quite a way back. ‘John?’ I yell. ‘John, can you hear me?’ My eyes are moving constantly from the road ahead to the mirror, back and forth, and each time they’re back on the mirror, Justin’s car is closer. I attempt to step on the accelerator, but all body functions are failing me, except my eyes which are watching in horror as the DBS gains on me.

Bang!

‘No!’ I cry, as I swerve and struggle to regain control on my Mini. I don’t stand a chance. My brain is being inundated by a million different orders, but I can’t gather any cognitive thought to establish my best move. I straighten up my car to be immediately hit again. Now I’m crying. My emotions are taking hold, telling me that I should be crying, that I should be frightened. And I am. I’m terrified.

Crash!

This time I lose complete control. I scream as the wheel starts spinning of its own accord, and I’m suddenly travelling sideways down the carriage way. Then I’m hit again and facing forward once more. I frantically grapple with the steering wheel, but it’s got a mind of its own and in a total panic, I yank at the handbrake. I’m not sure what happens next, but I’m thrown forward and back again, and I’m dizzy, blurred images whirling past the windows. Buildings, people and cars are all spinning around me until eventually a loud crash rings through my ears, my body jolts violently and my eyes close. I don’t know where I am. But I’m still. I’m not moving anymore.

I flex my neck on a groan and open my eyes to look out of the window. The traffic has stopped. All of it. People are getting out of their cars and wandering over to me. I shuffle my legs and move my arms, quickly noting that I have feeling in all of them, before I unclip my belt and let myself out of my car. People are walking towards me, but I’m walking away. I’m walking towards the DBS, which is sitting a few yards away, the engine still purring. I should be running in the other direction, but I’m not. I’m running towards it. The desperate need to know who would do this has suddenly flattened my fear. Date rape, threats, and now this? What planet if this person on? The accumulation of incidents is now hitting me hard.

I’m only a few yards away when the engine starts revving, like some sort of eerie f**ked up threat. It doesn’t stop me. What does, though, is the sound of a high powered machine getting louder and louder. I halt and stand rooted to the spot as I watch the DBS screech off, and then John’s Range Rover go sailing past in pursuit. This isn’t happening to me. I want to pinch myself, slap myself across the face, or, at the very least, wake up. I slowly turn when it sounds like one of Justin’s superbikes is speeding around in my head. He skids to a stop and throws his bike down before sprinting towards me, no leathers, no helmet, just some faded jeans and a plain black t-shirt protecting his body—the clothes that he yanked from the wardrobe before he walked out on me. I can’t move. All I can do is wait where I am for him to reach me, and he soon does, his hands starting to work fast strokes all over my stunned face as I stare blankly into his green eyes, which are drowned in pure terror.

‘Selena? Jesus, baby.’ I’m pulled into his chest, one hand cradling the back of my head, the other wrapped around my waist to hold me tight. I want to hold him back, I need to hold him back, but nothing is happening when I tell it to happen. I hear Justin’s phone ringing and he releases my head to fish around in his pocket. ‘John?’

Being buried under Justin’s chin, I can hear the low rumble of John’s pissed off voice, and I distinctly hear him asking why the f**k he has to own such a stupidly fast mother f**king car.

‘Where are you?’ Justin asks, kissing my head between words.

This time I can’t hear him. All I can hear are sirens—coming from every direction are sirens. I pull out of Justin’s chest and find a mass of police cars and two ambulances. Just for me? But then I notice a crumple heap of a car, and it’s not mine. Neither is the one wrapped around a lamppost nearby. I search through the chaos of people and abandoned cars and spot my Mini crunched up against some railings that are separating the road from the pavement. I shudder.

‘John, don’t stop until you’ve found out who’s in my f**king car.’ Justin hangs up and stuffs his phone back in his pocket. He pulls at my chin. ‘Look at me, baby.’

I gaze up at him. I’m not sure what to say. ‘Where’s your helmet?’

He takes a deep breath and claps my cheeks in his palms. ‘Fucking hell.’ He kisses me hard on the lips. ‘Why do you refuse to play ball?’ He kisses my nose, my lips, my eyes, my cheeks. ‘I sent John to get you, Selena. Why didn’t you let him take you to work?’

‘Because I wanted to shred Matt.’ I admit. ‘But you beat me to it.’

‘I was so angry, Selena.’

‘I would never have seen it through. I wouldn’t have killed our baby.’ I know I need to say this, at the very least.

‘Shhh.’ He continues placing his lips all over my face and my arms finally lift to hold him tightly. I never want to let go.

‘Excuse me, sir.’ The strange voice pulls both of our attention to the side where a policeman is standing. ‘Is the young lady okay?’

Justin looks back at me and starts doing an all over visual assessment. ‘I don’t know. Are you okay?’

‘I’m fine.’ I smile awkwardly. ‘What about the other drivers?’ I look across to the two wrecked cars.

‘Just a few cuts and bruises.’ The copper says. ‘You were all very lucky. Shall we get you checked over before we run through some questions?’ He smiles kindly and signals over to an ambulance.

I feel all dramatic and a bit of a bother. ‘I feel fine, honestly.’

Justin growls and tosses me a fierce scowl. ‘I’m going to take that fine in my palm and slap you all over the arse with it.’

‘I am fine.’ My car’s not, though. It looks terrible. Mum’s insistence that we should never leave each other on a cross word has never hit so hard. I appreciate it fully, and I don’t ever plan on leaving Justin on bad terms again. Never.

Justin makes a meal of exhaling and flopping his head back. ‘Selena, don’t defy me on this, please. I have no problem with pinning you down in the ambulance so they can confirm you’re okay.’ His head drops back down. ‘Are you going the easy way, or the hard way?’

‘I’ll go.’ I agree quietly. I’ll do anything he says. I free myself from his chest. ‘My bag,’

‘I’ll get it.’ He sprints away.

‘My phone’s on the floor!’ I call after him, but he just waves his arm over his head to acknowledge that he heard. He’s back in seconds, and the policeman leads us to the ambulance, pushing his way through the growing crowds of pedestrians.

A paramedic on the back puts his hand out to me, but I don’t get the chance to grasp it. I’m lifted and placed in the white van. ‘Thank you,’ I smile down at Justin and watch as the copper gets a pad and pen from his pocket.

‘Sir, while she’s being taken care of, do you mind answering a few questions?’

‘Yes, I do. You’ll have to wait.’

‘Sir, I’d like to ask you a few questions.’ The policeman isn’t asking nicely this time.

Justin turns his full body into him, the edge of threat clear in his stance. He’s trampling a copper. ‘My wife and child are in the back of that ambulance and the only way you’re going to stop me from seeing to them is if I’m dead.’ He steps back and holds his hands out to the side. ‘So f**king shoot me.’

The policeman looks up at me, and I smile apologetically. The last thing I need is Justin being arrested. I don’t know whether it’s put down to emotions running high, but the copper nods and gestures for Justin to join me. My trampling Lord’s glower is still fixed to his face as he turns back towards me, but it soon falls away. His face is level with my stomach, but his eyes are currently dropped and looking at my bare legs.

Reaching forward, he runs his finger up the inside of my calf. ‘Baby, you’re cut.’

I glance down. ‘Where?’ I can’t feel anything. I pull at my dress, hitching it higher, but there is no sign of any cut. Higher it goes; still more blood but no cut. I look at Justin in confusion, but he’s frozen as he watches me searching for the source of the blood. His eyes lift to mine. They are wide and uneasy. It doesn’t sit well. I start shaking my head as he moves forward, taking my dress up as far as it can go.

There is no cut.

The blood is coming from my knickers.

‘No!’ I cry out, realisation crashing into me like a tornado.

‘Oh Jesus,’ He yanks the hem of my dress back down and jumps up to the ambulance, engulfing me in his arms. ‘Fucking hell, no.’

‘Sir?’

‘Hospital. NOW!’

I’m placed on gurney gently and hear the slamming of metal doors, making me jump. I turn into his chest, clutching at his t-shirt and hiding my face from him. ‘I’m sorry.’

‘Shut up, Selena.’ He grabs the back of my hair and pulls me out. His eyes are a cloud of green. ‘Please, just shut up.’ His thumb drags under my eye, collecting some tears. ‘I love you.’

This is my punishment. This is my penance for having such toxic thoughts. I deserve it, but Justin doesn’t. He deserves the happiness I know this baby would’ve given him. It’s an extension of me, and I know that he can’t get enough me. I’ve destroyed his dream. I should have seen things clearer sooner. I should have changed my address at the surgery. I should have let John take me to work. I shouldn’t have gone to Matt’s office. There are so many things I have and haven’t done that could have changed how things are playing out.

My shame is eating away at me and it will do for the rest of my life. It hasn’t happened how I had stupidly first thought, but the end result is the same. I’ve killed our baby.

Chapter 19

The silence surrounding us is painful. The whole way in the ambulance, I sobbed and Justin constantly told me how much he loves me. I can’t help but think it’s simply because he doesn’t know what else to say. There’s no comfort or reassurance coming from those three words. He hasn’t said it doesn’t matter because I know it does. He hasn’t said it’s not my fault because I know it is. He hasn’t said that we will be fine either, and I don’t know if we will. Just when I was beginning to see light at the end of the never-ending tunnel of issues, we’re hit with the worst kind of devastation—a damage that can’t be fixed. Our love for each other will be tested to the absolute limit now, but the dwelling ache deep inside of me is not filling me with hope. I’m not sure if we can survive this. He’ll resent me forever.

He carries me from the ambulance, rejecting the wheelchair that’s brought out by a nurse. He silently follows the doctor down the busy corridor, all of the time looking straight ahead and flipping one word answers to anyone who asks him questions. I can’t feel anything except Justin’s thundering heartbeat under my hand, which is resting on his chest. All of my nerve endings seem to have died. I can’t sense a thing.

After what seems like an eternity of gently bobbing up and down in Justin’s arms, I’m lowered onto a huge hospital bed in a private room. He’s gentle and all of his actions are tender and loving as he strokes my hair, props my head up slightly and covers my legs with the thin sheet that’s lying at the foot of the bed. But there are still no comforting or reassuring words.

We’re closed in from every direction by machines and medical equipment. A nurse stays, but the ambulance men leave after giving a brief rundown on me, what has happened and the observations they have already performed on the way to the hospital. The nurse takes notes, sticks things in my ear and holds thing to my chest. She asks questions, and I answers quietly, but the whole time, I keep my eyes on Justin, who’s sitting in a chair with his face in his palms.

The nurse pulls my reluctant eyes away from my grieving husband when she hands me a gown. She smiles. It’s a sympathetic smile. Then she leaves the room. I just hold it for a while, until so much time has passed, I think it could be next week, or even next year. I want it to be next year. Will this crippling pain and guilt be gone by next year?

I finally slide myself to the side of the bed, my back to Justin, and reach around to unzip my dress. In the quiet, I hear him stand, like my movements have suddenly snapped him from his nightmare and his obligatory duties have kicked in.

He comes and stands in front of me, but my stinging eyes remain on the floor. ‘Let me.’ he says softly, taking over the removal of my dress.

‘It’s okay. I can manage.’ I counter softy. I don’t want him to do anything that he doesn’t want to.

‘You probably can,’ He pulls my dress up over my head, ‘but it’s my job and I’d like to keep it.’

My chin starts to tremble as I fight to restrain the persistent tears, not wanting to enflame any guilt he might be feeling himself. ‘Thank you,’ I whisper, still keeping my welling eyes from his line of sight.

It’s an impossible task, especially when he bends and pushes his face up into my neck, forcing my face up to his. ‘Don’t thank me for looking after you, Selena. It’s what I’ve been put on this earth to do. It’s what keeps me here. Don’t ever thank me for that.’

‘I’ve ruined everything. I’ve lost your dream.’

He pushes me down onto the bed and kneels in front of me. ‘My dream is you, Selena. Day and night, just you.’ My vision is hazy and blurred, but I can clearly see the tears trickling from his green eyes. ‘I can manage without anything, but never you. Not ever. Don’t look like this, please. Don’t look like you think it’s the end. It’s never the end for us. Nothing will break us, Selena. Do you understand me?’

I nod through my quiet weeping, unable to form words or even say them if I could.

He brushes the back of his hand roughly across his cheeks. ‘We let these people tell us you’re going to be okay, and then we go home to be together.’

I nod again.

‘Tell me you love me.’

A loud sob spills from my mouth and my arms find his shoulders and pull him into me. ‘I need you.’

‘I need you, too.’ he whispers. His hands all over my back, despite being cool and a little shaky, give me all of the comfort I need. We will be okay. Heartbroken, but okay. ‘Let me get you into this gown.’

I’m pulled up from the bed, but he remains kneeling, and starts peeling my blood stained underwear away from my body. I can’t look. I clench my eyes shut and feel instead of see my knickers being slowly drawn down my thighs. The familiar feel on his fingertip tapping my ankle prompts me to step out, but all of the time, I keep my eyes clenched shut. For the briefest of moments, I know he has moved from in front of me, and then I hear a tap running before he’s back and gently sweeping a wet cloth up the inside on my thigh. My heart constricts painfully in my chest, and I’m gulping back tears repeatedly.

‘Arms,’ Justin’s soft instruction encourages me to open my eyes. I find him holding the gown in front of me. My arms thread through, and I’m turned so he can fasten it. ‘Up you get.’ he orders. I shift myself back into position, just as there’s a knock on the door. Justin calls an okay.

The same nurse has returned, but this time she has a white coated doctor with her. He shuts the door softly and nods at Justin, who is suddenly more alert, and I know why.

The doctor has a fiddle with the machine at the side of me, and then perches on the edge of the bed. ‘How are you feeling, Selena?’ he asks.

‘Fine.’ The one word that Justin has threatened to spank my arse with just slips right out. He sighs but doesn’t say anything. ‘I’m okay, thank you.’

‘Okay, no aches or pains, cuts or bruises?’

‘No, nothing.’

He smiles mildly and folds back the sheet that’s covering my stomach. ‘Let’s see what’s going on. Would you like to pull the gown up so I can feel you tummy?’

Even now, when we are in the darkest most desperate place, I can feel Justin’s tenseness at the prospect of another man laying his hands on me. I glance over to him and give pleading eyes, but he just shakes his head. ‘I might step outside.’ he says quietly, stepping back towards the door.

‘Don’t you dare!’ I cry. ‘Don’t you dare leave me.’ I know he’s struggling, and I know the idea of another man touching me is unbearable for him, even if it is over-the-top and only part of his unreasonable possessiveness, but he can overcome that now. He has to overcome that now.

The Doctor looks between us, a little baffled, and waits for Justin to take the initiative and join me at the bed. What will I do if he walks out? I don’t think I could bear it, but then he inhales what seems to be a long, controlled gathering of strength and comes to sit next to me. My hand is picked up and encased in both of his before he brings the bundle to his chest and drops his head to it. He can’t watch.

I’m flanked on both sides, one man pushing my gown up and feeling around on my stomach, the other breathing deeply and squeezing my hand. I just rest my head back and stare up at the ceiling, wishing this could be over so Justin can take me home and we can start painfully processing what has happened. Who was in the DBS? This is sheading a whole new light on my blacking out episode in the bar. Surely Mikael isn’t so wrapped up in revenge that he would go to these lengths.

tyle: initial;t!16"�

[the-wh0le-sheb4ng]

Whilst I know I’m a bit late on the #InternationalWomen’sDay I would like to introduce you to one of the many women in my life that have influenced me massively. This in particular woman has to be up there at the top of my list. This my Nan. Today is her birthday (as you probably guessed from the title lol.) I’m writing this post to let her know how much I love and appreciate her because every once in a while it’s nice to be reminded that you’re one #AMAZING human being. So this one’s for you Fre x

“A little bit parent, a little bit teacher and a little bit best friend.”

My Nan is a superhero. Despite being late to my birth she’s always been there for me whenever I’ve needed her most. She’s my best friend. A woman I can literally tell anything to. Some people find it a chore taking the time to speak to their grandparents but I most definitely DON’T. It’s quite sad really, that some people get old and are forgotten about. Visits slowly decline due to busy lives and the people who were there for you before you were even born end up being all alone. But I know that will never be the case in our family. God forbid if that happens to me when I age. (Future Family: know that once I pass, I will haunt you if you ever let me get old alone.) However, my Nan is very much still in her youth and is best drinking partner anyone could ask for. She’s a ‘Progress Coordinator’ at Dorset Gardens and she makes it very clear that that’s her title – and so she should she’s worked extremely hard all her life. Whether that be babysitting for her elder siblings children or delivering newspapers around her block. She has so many fantastic stories to tell and that’s why I love sitting on her sofa in the back room, sipping tea together and casually chatting. You learn so much from your elders, you really do. I sometimes forget that they’ve lived the life we live and know a lot more about it than we do. It’s never a dull moment chatting away with both my Nan and my Grandad whilst watching Eggheads. They wind each other up in the best way. It’s hilarious. I want to have that kind of love they have for each other when I’m older. It’s beautiful.

  Now my Nan will always say I was TERRIBLE when I was younger, a right nuisance. And YES she was correct. She always speaks of the times I would wake up first and how she would have to take me away from Jason when he was sleeping because I’d purposely wake him up. Or how you could never take me anywhere because I would go on and on and on. And to be fair that’s still very true today haha. I would always have to be entertained. Growing up we were always at her home and she would always cook us our teas or pick us up from school. I remember often peeling her vegetables for the tea and painting her nails. I guess I’ve just always been close to my Nan, I see so much of myself in her. My Dad was very fond of her as well. He loved her like a mother and she loved him back like a son. When we did go on holidays together it was always my Nan, my Mum and my Dad going off getting drinks leaving my Gramps with the kids. Thinking back, we did have the most amazing times and I’ve got memories that I will treasure for the rest of my life. I miss those holidays. She, alongside my Grandad, was there for us when we lost my Dad. They always have been and they always will be. She was a rock during that time and kept everything together. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to explain how thankful we all are for that. I hope you give him a good crack when you eventually see him up there from me.

Always been the best of pals – celebrating my birthday back in the 90’s.

I absolutely love spending time with my Nan and Grandad. Whether it be days out to Widnes for fish and chips or nights at the pub. They really are party animals and I have many stories to tell about their ordeals. I hope that I’m exactly like my Nan and Grandad when I grow up they’re the best. Trips to Wales – most weekends, are fabulous. I’m always laughing when I’m with them, they’re just so infectious. We always go the market that’s a MUST and she buys some real good steals there. My Nan stays in the caravan usually if we’re taking trips to the beach – My Grandad is more of the adventurous one – his latest thrill has been boats. Gotta love him. She often tells of a time when he hired out bikes in Cyprus. Let’s just say it didn’t end well. Sitting in the club of a night is always funny, taking the piss out of each other is also a MUST. We’ve even got Jason up there dancing once. What I have learned is that my Nan remembers EVERYTHING no matter how drunk she gets. She can drink for England, she really can. So you’re always reminded of that embarrassing thing you did or said the night before.

The time when she slept in the awning and woke up with a bad back. SORRY

Since being here in London she’s been one of the many people I’ve missed. I miss being able to ring her up and say “Hey Nan, I’m just finishing work now, can I pop round?” to which she usually replies “Oh Ey George, I’m up to my eyes in it, I’ve got loads to do today. You’ll have to go when your Mother comes” and I’ll follow with “Oh I see doesn’t matter then.” To which she usually says “Oh you can come if you want, see you in a minute.” When I arrive she’s smiling and putting the kettle on. She proceeds to tell me about the latest show she has been watching and we usually watch bits of it, getting me hooked. I must admit, she does watch the most amazing shows!! She makes the best poached eggs as well! Before we know it its time for me to go and she exclaims that she is going to bed before anyone else comes. This is why I love her. She never fails to make me smile.

Trip to see ‘The Bodyguard’ at the Liverpool Empire.

I wrote this little something for you inside your birthday card but I can assure you, these are merely a few of the countless things I love about you. I hope you have the most amazing day and hopefully get a chance to get your feet up and relax. Once I’m earning the big bucks I’ll whisk you away, I promise you that.

Happy Birthday Nan,

All my love – George x

9 things I LOVE about you.

1. I LOVE to see you laugh & smile – it’s contagious. 2.I LOVE the way you cheer me up when you find me with a frown & always raise my spirits when life has got me down. 3. I LOVE how your home is always open to me as well as your biscuit box. 4. I LOVE how you drink your bitter in 1/2 pints because its more ‘Lady-Like.’ 5. I LOVE how you’re always proud of me & strive for my success but I want you to know that it is I that should be proud of you for all you have done for us. 6. I LOVE the way you cook fantastic dinners & make superb cups of tea. 7. I LOVE you for your stories, our drunken outings, our karaoke duets & our chats about life and TV shows. 8. I LOVE how you bend over backwards, even when your energy is low, to keep your family happy. 9. I LOVE you for your patience & honesty but mostly I love you for the way that you love me & because you’re not only my Nan, you’re my best friend.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY NAN Whilst I know I'm a bit late on the #InternationalWomen'sDay I would like to introduce you to one of the many women in my life that have influenced me massively.