#this is actually an oc idea but it's also a funny joke soo

[lockhartandlych]

Two of the foremost Adeptus Custodes stand at their eternal vigil, minding the final set of gates, beyond which lie the Golden Throne. They don't move, barely blink. They only breathe once a minute. Such is how they were made by the Emperor of Mankind.

Augmented ears hear a voice. Distant, faint. High pitched with a lilt that marked it as unmistakably Eldar. It came from within the chamber.

"GOT YOUR NOSE!"

In less than a second the doors are forced open. The guards race into the room at an inhuman speed. But it is too late. They can only stare at the Throne in horror.

The Emperor lies before them, a rotting husk atop a brilliant Golden Throne, as usual.

But the nose? The nose is gone.

[blooming-violets]

Hi! This isn't a request but how do you think Peter would react to reader being a Funeral Director? Let's say it's like a blind date (set up by Auntie May ofc). Im asking because a good amount of your fics that you write with Peter revolve around death- weather it being Ben's, Gwen's, and/or what he see's around just being Spider-Man.

Lol this is coming from someone who's about to get their license to become a f.d if you couldn't tell :)

omg over a decade ago i used to roleplay with an oc who was my dark humored, lil goth queen and she was studying to become a funeral director and even though it was so long ago, once an oc, always an oc. she still lives up in my brain with the rest of every other character i've ever created in my life time. i'm going to channel her energy into my soul for this one

Ok, so! I love this.

(using gender neutral "they/them" for this character)

This might sound slightly gruesome but I'm going with it! May is getting a little older in age. Nothing crazy but she's a realist and she wants to be extra prepared when it's her time to go because she doesn't want to burden Peter with such things. She knows what it's like to go through the entire process of burying a dead loved one when you are in the middle of the worst grief of your life. She doesn't want Peter to have to make any of those choices like where to go and what casket to chose. She's a planner and is going to keep nurturing her boy even after death.

Soo she starts doing the rounds of looking into funeral homes, types of caskets, potential flower arrangements, details for the service, how she wants her body to be prepared...she's got it all figured out and in a binder with laminated pages. And she's having the time of her life doing all this because any chance to pull out some stationary is a good day in her book.

Peter freaks when he finds out because that's his girl and he refuses to let her die ever. But she calms him down by reminding him that death can happen to anyone, at any time, and she wants to be prepared for him. All he will have to do is hand over this binder to the director and they can do the heavy lifting so he can just take time to grieve. He's still not happy about it. Aunt May will never die. He doesn't even want to entertain the idea that it's a possibility even twenty years from now.

But then she throws in a lil twist.

"Oh, by the way, Peter...you have a date next Saturday night. I set you up with the director of the parlor. They were just lovely! So accommodating, so funny, absolutely gorgeous, not anything like I was expecting. I told them I had a nephew who was single. Showed them a picture of you. You know that picture I took last summer of you at the beach eating a Ninja Turtle popsicle next to the ice cream truck? I just love that picture...reminds me of when you were a boy...anyway, they agreed to meet up with you! Isn't that wonderful?"

And he's standing there speechless and mortified because only Aunt May would start prematurely planning for her death and then go around showing embarrassing, shirtless pics of him to his potential suitors...who are also helping her plan for her death. He tries to refuse to go but it's May and you can't say no to her. She will always win.

She picks out his best outfit for him and makes sure he's all dolled up (also to be sure he actually goes through with the date and doesn't bail).

He's shocked at how young and attractive they are when he meets them. Even though May insisted they would be a good match, he still was picturing some creepy old, sickly pale, skeletal man wear a dark suit. He's been dating a bit lately but nothing really sticks. This date feels different. He starts off by making a dark joke about dating the person who's going to bury his (still very much alive) aunt. Which gets a laugh from the both of them. They start in on how lovely it was to meet her and how she brightened up the house when she came for a meeting. And Peter talks about how baffled he was to find out she was even doing all that in the first place. He would have gone with her or been more than willing take care of everything. But they insist that May was adamant on doing it on her own. Peter asks a lot of questions on why they would ever want to go into this line of work but they just laugh it off. They're helping people, even after death. Helping their loved ones have the best final goodbye they can have.

The first date flows smoothly. They both try to avoid the death talk after the first few minutes and keep things light and happy. Peter is unknowingly smitten at the time but finds that once he goes home for the night, he can't stop thinking about them.

A second date is soon to follow. And a third. And fourth. And so on until they are officially dating.

I think as they get more comfortable with each other and open up to each other more, Peter will start to reveal how badly of a relationship he has with death. Reader has a healthy outlook on it. They don't mind taking care of the dead. They enjoy being able to provide that kind of service. Nothing really turns their stomach at this point. Peter can't remember much about his parents or their funerals, Uncle Ben's was a blur, and Gwen's is blackened out from his memory. It really upsets him to picture Reader doing any kind of body preparation. He keeps having intrusive thoughts about them working on Gwen's corpse and it kinda fucks him up. (They obviously weren't the one's who did that but his mind is putting the two people he cares about together without reason). Sometimes it makes it hard for him to look at them. It causes tension in the relationship. He starts to resent that they do that job. He think that they are "better than that" and they should leave that sort of job to someone else. He thinks it's gross and upsetting.

Reader would take massive offense to that. They love what they do. It's very important to them. Peter keeps not being able to hear what they're saying and is throwing his own uncomfortable attitude into the mix. They represent death to him and he hates death. Almost like they're a constant reminder of everyone he loved who has died. Cue the climaxy fight part where they separate for a bit in order for the growth to happen. Peter goes off to sulk and eventually ends up on May's doorsteps like a lost, sad puppy.

He'd need to go have a heart to heart talk with her about why he feels so uncomfortable dating someone who is so close to death. She'd talk about his past traumas, losing so many loved ones, and how he never allowed himself to put those people to rest. That's what Reader does. They helps other's put their loved one's to rest. And that frightens Peter because he's afraid of letting go. They represent someone who is at peace with themselves and Peter is living in a constant state of turmoil. In order to love properly again, he has to let go of the past. Reader can become a healthy path forward but only if Peter is able to cut off the baggage that is holding him back.

He'd let that talk sink in for a few days until he finally crawls his way back to their home with a box of their favorite chocolates (not flowers because they've seen enough flowers to last them their entire life time). He's met with nothing but a gentle smile and open arms. He'd open up to better explain himself to them so they can understand where he's coming from and see into his past. It's a healing moment for him to overcome.

Over time he'd warm up more and more to the idea of them working so closely to death. They both like to lighten any dark moods with some terrible jokes and dumb comments. A lot of silly ghost/ haunting talks. A lot him questing them about things. Like if guys can get an erection after death. Or what exactly is embalming fluid (bc he likes science-y things). And trying to find out the craziest things they ever experienced while working. They have endless stories to share so there's never a dull moment.

And when they finally find out about Mr. Parker and his big, giant Spider-Man secret, they threaten Peter that he better never end up on their table or else they'll mutilate his corpse by cutting off his dick and keeping it in a jar. (too dark? lmao not for them!)

Peter loves it. It makes him feel loved.

[vespertin-y]

THE ASK MEME AGAIN what about...... miu kaito and himiko?

it's been an ENTIRE YEAR since the first time we did this. h o w.

MIU

Sexuality Headcanon: not the slutty bisexual rep we wanted, but the slutty bisexual rep we needed.

Gender Headcanon: i firmly see her as a trans woman because she's going to make jokes about her genitals and i find dick jokes funnier than vagina jokes. yes, that is the entire basis of this headcanon.

A ship I have with said character: her and kiibo are bland for my taste but still sweet. her and kaito are fun also (what if we were both soo smart and also sooo stupid...and we're both trans😳!?). honestly i don't ship her with a lot of people in the cast? i should make up an oc for her to date. hm.

A BROTP I have with said character: her and kokichi are great, and not just because they're funny! it's fascinating to think of how long they were cooperating behind the scenes. sometimes i get really mad at miu because kokichi (presumably under the cover of the first electrobomb) TOLD her his plan, he tried so hard to work together, and she rejected him, tried to beat him to death, and sent everything spiraling off the rails for the rest of the game!! but then i have to reel myself back in and remember that she was just as paranoid as kokichi, that she didn't go with the plan because she was terrified "someone" (probably kokichi imo) would betray and kill her, and Not Everyone Mean To Your Blorbo Has To Explode, Mem. miu tried her best. it just wasn't enough. that can be said for 99% of the v3 kids.

A NOTP I have with said character: YOU GOT ME TO RANT ABOUT IRUMATSU LAST TIME YOU'RE NOT GETTING IT AGAIN. i will say i dislike sairuma though, but mostly because i think shuichi hating her ass is the funniest way for that relationship to go.

A random headcanon: i know it gets lost in the whole "haha funny she thinks she's a cyborg, aren't tsumugi's backstories so fucking stupid" thing, but i think she *did* get a traumatic brain injury in that car accident that eroded her impulse control and sense of boundaries and that's a large part of why she behaves the way she does. does that count as a headcanon or is that just extrapolating from canon. hm.

General Opinion over said character: every day i think about kodaka designing her to be a deliberately unlikable character who everyone would hate, and then getting super shocked and mad at the popularity polls showing she's rlly popular. GET FUCKED NERD

KAITO

Sexuality Headcanon: either aro or gay. headcanoning him as not attracted to women is the only way i can get any enjoyment out of the clusterfuck that is the harumota plotline, because at least it makes the scene where maki confesses and he says "...good for you, off to die now!" extremely funny.

Gender Headcanon: a bro. a broski. a brotato chip. a brotein shake. a brofessor. a member of the broman empire.

A ship I have with said character: i've grown fond of oumota if only bc those fics tend to have really good kokichi characterization. him n gonta are the embodiment of the "i lied, i don't actually like sex, now put your pants back on and let me infodump for three hours" meme and i love that for them. but most of all i like the idea of him and rantaro in a qpr postgame. i think those two would get a lot from just...existing quietly in each other's space, slowing becoming the center of the other's life. i should write a fic about that...

A BROTP I have with said character: him and shuichi are sooo unhealthy and that's what makes them so interesting to me. i think about them postgame a lot...about shuichi trying to support kaito the way he was supported, and about kaito fighting against it. it's hard not to slip into old patterns, but i think they could do it.

also i think about "i don't care if you're sick! i don't care if you're dying! i won't let monokuma touch you!" EVERY GODDAMN DAY

 A NOTP I have with said character: him and maki. i can’t even rant about them like i do with my other NOTPs. they just make me...tired.

A random headcanon: he never gels his hair again after the game. i’ve said it before but i really think he should’ve been more messed up when he came out of the exisal - no gel, no coat (where did he even get the second one??), covered in blood, etc. and i think after that, when he wakes up, he can’t bring himself to gel it again. he buys the supplies and goes into his bathroom and just Stares into the mirror. he can’t make himself do it. he leaves.

General Opinion over said character: ehhh...mixed. he’s a very good and complex character but he’s also a raging homophobe in the og japanese, yknow? it’s difficult for me to have super positive feelings on a character who calls people homophobic slurs and is treated as right for doing so by the narrative, no matter how deep and complex they are and how many cute gay headcanons i have. maybe that’s more of a flaw with v3 than a flaw with kaito, though.

HIMIKO

Sexuality Headcanon: she engages in lesbianics

Gender Headcanon: none beef with left girl.

A ship I have with said character: WAH i already talked a bunch about tenmiko in the tenko post,,,i think himikiyo’s surprisingly cute! it’s not a ship i considered before i found it but ao3 user platonics has gotten to me what can i say...

A BROTP I have with said character: the survivor trio makes me very soft,,,they deserve a very long nap together under the softest warmest blankets mankind can acquire. i have a pin of the scene of gonta giving her a piggy back ride because i am not immune to the ancient fandom dynamic of Tol and Smol. i enjoy thinking about the tension she’d have with angie postgame, even if that doesn’t quite count as a friendship. and platonic oumeno is always 👌, their scenes in ch3 are so good.

A NOTP I have with said character: uhh i dunno...maybe her and rantaro? he seems like he’d peg her as a little sister pretty fast.

A random headcanon: nobody ever talks about it but i feel like her master was probably?? not great??? i mean he abandons the child he’s been teaching because she gets more popular than him, what the hell.

General Opinion over said character: i love her so mucjh,,,,she was the most relatable character in v3 to me. her relating everything that happens to her through the lens of her childish interests punched me right in the gut :’). her *choosing* to combat her natural fatigue and depression in order to live a better life because she won’t get another chance was so moving. wish she had a better outfit tho.